u/CorsetCloverPart

First off, I want to say I love this job. I really do and for the most part my geography isn’t terrible.

And I’m at the end of my FTO. But the pressure of someone sitting next to me watching me is killing me.

I get flustered a bit, turned around, etc because I’m on an extension for it.

I’m not mad at anyone but myself.

I have two nights to get this right.

They said everything else like report writing, talking to people, arrests, etc is good.

But this issue is the only issue standing in my way. And I hate it.

I’m thinking I might just hang it up. Because now even more pressure is on me. That is no one else fault but my own. So I own up to my mistakes and struggles.

I don’t want to walk. But I think it might be best for everyone else and myself.

My FTOs have been nothing but supportive and great.

But it’s that one little issue.

I just wanted to vent. I hate this.

I applied back in August of 2025 and became an alternate.

Never got contacted. I think the job market was a tad bit more desperate back then.

Had to reschedule due to conflicts at my current job. The guy said he would reach back out if there was more slots for an interview.

Well he did and I got another one.

Hopefully I can secure a position this time.

It’s for conductor.

Wish me luck next week.

I’m 31, no kids and no spouse. So I got the time lol

The drugs that took my ex away from me are finally banned.

Not took her away from me in terms of her dying. But who she became.

If you would’ve asked me if I would fall in love with an addict post a divorce back in 2024, I would’ve told you no so fast.

The two years we were together was rough. The verbal abuse, sometimes physical, but mostly verbal was rough.

Of course we had good times.

The endless withdrawal symptoms was rough. We couldn’t even sleep in the same bed when she was over. Endless tossing and turning, twitching all night, restless legs, etc. sometimes I would have to ask her to please go to the couch so I could get some sleep.

Anyways, apparently she’s getting better. But we don’t see each other much anymore anyways. She said she didn’t wanna break up. But take a break. I would warn her that coming off this stuff, your brain is gonna take time to adjust. That means depression, feelings of loneliness and probably other sad feelings will be present.

Maybe she’ll financially get herself together too.

Maybe not.

I’m just thankful we don’t live together.

I haven’t even really let her spend the night in my house in months. Because for some god awful reason when she was on the stuff, would withdrawal, she would never want to leave. It was weird. She would tell me she wasn’t leaving despite my home literally being MY home. Like she was entitled to my space.

That jacked me up so bad that I don’t even want her here anymore. Even while she’s clean and getting her life back together.

We’ve just been through too much together.

Bailed out of jail, bills paid for her (won’t do it anymore), given money to her for her habit to avoid her getting sick, given food, let her house sit and run my bills up when I was away because her water was turned off and so much more. Y’all have no clue.

All I wanted was to get a house in the country, marry her because I genuinely loved her, have her move in and just finally settle down.

But will she pick up a new habit? Probably. Idk. I could believe in her all day. But we know belief doesn’t get people clean and I’m paranoid at this point.

I know I need to let go completely.

I’m glad the ban happened. But I think everything has ran its course.

Relationships with addicts are so weird.

I know you don’t need a kid to be broke.

But you’ll have people who have a kid or kids and complain they’re broke.

Yeah, it’s because feeding, clothing, daycare, etc costs money.

Maybe, just maybe kids costs extra money?

Idiots.

That’s one of the MANY reasons a lot of us don’t have them in the first place. Because kids costs money.

Look, I don’t wanna hear how online dating sucks. Yes, we know it sucks.

Dating can just suck sometimes period. It’s apart of wading through the ppl u don’t align with to find the one who works for you.

But it’s absolutely annoying when people WITH kids don’t fill out the portion that says they have them, or they don’t read where you don’t want kids, then you learn they have them, then you say you’re childfree and aren’t interested anymore.

And then they try to convince you to stay and say “oh, they’re teens, or pre teens.” Or the classic “they don’t live with me all the time. Their dad sees them”.

So?

Childfree doesn’t F’ing mean childfree sometimes.

A child is a child FOR LIFE and I don’t wanna be involved.

It doesn’t help I’m a lesbian, childfree and in my 30s.

Why would I make my life harder with children?

My options are slim as it is.

I don’t want a step child making my life harder than it is and I’m not dealing with the baby daddy or baby momma. Idc if yall have a good relationship outside of who gets custody. You’re probably just “friends” for the kids anyways.

I’m not dating someone who is still in contact with their ex in that regards.

On top of that, I have a demanding career as it is.

I just shut my dating profile down for the time to just focus on myself at this point.

If we’re together, I wanna come home to PEACE, my cats, my video games, go to the gym, take random vacations, etc. Why would I give that up?

Nah. 🤣

I can’t post pictures here. But this is basically what the comment said.

“I went inside a house of a woman who was bitten in the neck by her dog. she bled to death running from room to room trying to save herself. there was SOOOO much blood on everything. she tried holding herself up aking the walls. hand prints, foot prints, she tried holding a towel to it and died in the bathroom.”

That is scary as hell. Just imagine you’re chilling, and your damn dog takes you out.

I knew I was weary of medium and big dogs for a reason and this is why.

I was a huge horror fan before becoming an LEO.

Im not trying to appear all deep or anything when I say this what so ever. But I tried watching the newest evil dead movie.

And I just can’t handle all the blood, gore, guts, killing, etc.

Had to cut it off like 30 mins into the movie.

Anyone else feel the same?

With the little I’ve seen already in this job because I’m still new to it, I can’t anymore.

Edit: I’m already in therapy yall. I promise I’m not gonna go off the hinges or anything. lol. But thank you for your concerns truly. Yall are awesome. Thankfully I have someone I can talk to. 💜

To say I went through a lot is an understatement. This is something I should’ve just walked away from a long time ago. But finally glad I came to my senses 2 years into the relationship.

So it wasn’t super long. But with all the BS I put up with, it felt like a life time.

One thing I’m learning how is how to be happy single.

For some reason towards the separation of the relationship I started seeing people.

But then I realized I need to take some time to myself and be okay with being alone in this regards. It’s rough, it’s hard sometimes.

I already live alone with me and my 3 cats. But I prefer it this way. Coming from someone who use to be married, I’ll never share a house with anyone ever again. What’s mine is mine.

But after the end of my relationship idk why I went out seeking someone else. Like I never even gave myself time to just be by myself. You know?

Sure it gets lonely and your brain replays the good times only. But I never really mourned the end because I mourned the person I was with through the relationship tbh.

Anyways, I’m learning to realize it’s totally cool to be single for however long you need to be, working on yourself, spending time with family and friends, spending time alone and overall just treating yourself right. Giving your nervous system a little to adjust to not being with someone and appreciating it.

My goals are to be consistent with the gym, enjoy my new career, make more friends, etc.

I don’t have to worry about dealing with someone while they are high, drunk, being lied to anymore, dealing with someone financially unstable, and I can focus on finding a well rounded and stable person down the road. Something NORMAL!

I don’t need to be with someone to be happy.

So I have a really good friend with kids. I want to preference this by saying I love her kids. I truly do. I enjoy hanging with them for the most part. I have no kids (obviously) and I’m still a child at heart in multiple ways. Like video games (I know, not a strict kid activity), trampolines, watching cartoons, etc.

Normal kid shit.

But holy hell, we went swimming today and they couldn’t leave me alone for a minute. Lmao.

Now I was tossing the kids in the pool, playing with water guns, floaties, swim rings, you name it. We were all hanging out. And at first? I did NOT mind.

But after a while they kept calling my god damn name and climbing on my back. And my friend (she’s a good mom and person) said to leave me alone and give me space.

Anyways, they did thankfully. They listen very well and they’re good kids.

All I’m saying is I had no clue kids will be all over you like white on rice in a pool.

And here I thought I could maybe date someone with kids. Even my cats wreck my nerves sometimes. (I treat them well, ive had them for 10 years. So don’t worry) 🤣

No thanks. Hard pass.

All I can say is it was really hard on me.

Obviously not as hard as it is on the family and I know it’s not about me.

But it was just so sad yall.

I can’t stop crying. I just feel so bad for the person, their family and everything.

Applied to conductor trainee position last year and got selected as an alternate then encouraged to reapply after 6 months.

Saw another opening for a city I moved closer to.

So decided to give it another shot.

We shall see.

Probably gonna get told no again. Lmao.

I know people will say do this hobby, go find a group of friends, do this or do that. But sometimes that loneliness creeps in sometimes.

And no, I’m not saying I’ll have kids or get married as a substitute to get rid of being lonely. I’m not that desperate. 🤣

It just gets rough to make friends sometimes.

Plus I have a demanding job that requires 1 week of working 12 hour shifts and then 1 week off. I love my job. But damn.

Weird schedule, no kids or partner anymore (we broke up) and so on. It gets lonely.

Since I’m 31, I’m less picky with making friends with kids since my options are slimming down as time goes by.

I spent nearly the last two years getting my life together like getting a new career, getting my credit right, navigating a divorce, moving, etc. But finding a solid community has been hard and I feel not having children has kinda shifted my social life to also go a certain way.

Anyone else feel the same?

Don’t even get me started on dating. 🤣

Anyone else have a weird story like that where they got deactivated for whatever reason and years later decided to come back?

I was just using my Cash App account back in 2018 just to receive my disability check.

Then boom, got shut down.

Decided to try it again earlier this year and got accepted.

Edit: never knew the reason why. They told me they couldn’t tell me.

I think everyone in my department has kids so they don’t have tons of downtime outside of work aside from another officer who has quite a bit of kids but still makes time to hang out with me.

Anyways, just wondering. Kinda feel weird how everyone has a family and I’m over here like I don’t have one. 🤣

I just have a question I’ll post in the comments.

I just need moisture wicking sports bras recommendations for the field.

You don’t even have to be in law enforcement either. But I prefer it since we’re in vests all day.

I’ve been using gold bond anti moisture spray under my chest as well. Kinda like a body powder spray.

Thanks in advance.

So I’m 31 years old. You know what that means. I’m usually bound to have a friend who has children to a degree.

Sure we can all go after friends with no kids. But depending on location, where you work, etc. you’re bound to probably make a friend or two with kids.

So growing up I did NOT like kids at all. But as I’ve gotten older I wouldn’t say I LOVE them. But I’ve gotten more patient with them. Especially when it comes to my friend’s kids and kids in my family.

I always tell my friends hey, I’ll help you if need be because they’ve always been there for me when I needed them.

Well me and my friend went to her daughter’s softball game a few days ago and she had her 3 younger kids with her. Now I love running around with kids, playing outdoor games, playing video games together, playing duck duck goose and all that good stuff. I’m pretty good at. They always wanna hang out everytime I come around.

My friend knows I’m childfree. But she said “you really would be good with kids if you decide to date someone with kids”.

Now again, I know I’m pretty solid with kids. So I didn’t take this as a “she’s trying to force parenthood on me” because we were talking about the topic of single moms, dating, etc. I can’t put the whole conversation in here, or we’ll be here all day reading. But she’s a really understanding and solid individual and knows children can be hard to keep up with.

But I got to thinking “could I date a single mom and have a successful relationship?”.

But then I realized that thought came from a feeling of loneliness. I can’t guarantee I’ll be happy in a relationship with a single mom. Or be okay with the idea of raising someone else’s kiddos.

And then if we break up and it doesn’t work, I know for a fact not seeing them would make me pretty damn sad.

I know as I get older the dating pool for us childfree folks becomes slimmer and slimmer unless it’s a mom who already has kids outside the house already grown up and moved on. I know this isn’t still dating childfree if you did date someone like this.

I just wouldn’t want life to revolve around school age kids. I like the freedom that comes with not having to worry about not taking care of a child. Because life is already shackled by bills, jobs, duties, obligations, etc.

I had to hold myself back from lowering my personal standards in the name of loneliness.

I think I need to realize that you can’t do stuff like this just because you’re lonely. Because you can even be lonely with a family, or you’ll find yourself wishing you could be alone.

Loneliness is a poor long term decision maker because it focuses on today’s discomfort instead of tomorrow’s reality.

Anyone else ever been through this? That you think “yeah, maybe I can do it. I don’t have many options anyways” and then you catch yourself and think “nope, not gonna do that”.

Edit: I’m also in therapy, have hobbies, etc. sometimes my brain just gets the best of me. That’s all!

Also I live alone and LOVE it! 💜

Edit 2: I have no intentions on giving birth yall lol

That does not mean I don’t think addicts don’t deserve love. But an addict cannot have a normal relationship.

It will infest every corner of your life guaranteed. Yes, even when you’re trying to help. Shit will be ruined down the road at some point.

If I typed out everything that led up to this post, yall would be here reading all day.

Thankfully we don’t have kids and live separately. But because my ex thought it was more important to get high off of legal vape shop drugs, she’s on her way to being homeless because paying bills and being a functional adult with no kids, cheap rent, cheap bills, etc is just way too hard.

She’s burned every bridge with her family as they won’t give her money anymore.

She’s also a 35 year old grown adult. I know addiction does NOT discriminate. But at some point you have to buckle down and figure shit out.

I’ve helped all I can do. Taking her to detox, paying bills for her but making sure I get paid back. Bailed her out of jail, and yes, got paid back. She still owes me a tv after breaking one of mine.

She’s no longer welcomed to my home. She goes through withdrawals and gets dangerous, physical, etc. Every time she got dangerous and I tried to kick her out, she refused to leave. Last time getting her to leave after her getting visibly angry and about to get physical, I had to call a friend for help and she finally left. I’m so thankful for my friend.

She will NOT take responsibility for making everyone else’s life hard and a living hell whatsoever. Plays victim and overall needs help in all areas of her life.

It sucks because we had good times. But she’s in no position to be with anyone.

I want a stable partner financially, emotionally and overall just trying to lead a productive life with emotional maturity.

I’m so over this. I’m burnt out. 2 years only, but I’m tired. I’m not even crying over ending things. I can’t save her. I hope she figures things out. Because outside of her addictions, she’s a good person.

I hate how drugs destroy the ppl we love.

But love is not enough.

To say I’m completely healed 2 years later is a lie.

Am I still living life and doing the best I can?

Yes, but I lost so much during a divorce that I’m sure left me with trauma.

I lost a house, a vehicle, a job, friend groups, etc.

During all of this time I was trying to find a job and thankfully found one, trying to survive by eating out of the garbage because I was struggling that bad, feed my 3 cats who obviously didn’t know what was going on (they’re still with me and thriving), lost a cat due to being an elderly animal (thankfully I have her ashes), fix my credit, save money and much more.

All these moments left serious impacts on my life and despite making it out, I’m still healing. But with scars.

I don’t think refusing to live with anyone else, get married, being stingy with money sometimes and a few other things are as massive as scars as the other lingering effects on my life.

But I’m still in flight or flight mode to be life being flipped upside down at any moment because of a lack of control.

I understand I have more control of my life than I did 2 years ago.

But all I’m saying is please get therapy and help. Even if u feel like you don’t need it and even if you “aren’t ready”.

There’s never a “perfect” time to make massive changes in your life. Sometimes you just have to do it.

We’ve all felt like we weren’t gonna make it without the other person. That’s normal to feel like that. It’s also normal to wanna lay down and not deal with what’s going on. It’s also normal to feel alone. But I promise you aren’t.

If you need help? Please seek it.

If you aren’t sure where to start? We will do our best to help each other and uplift each other.

It doesn’t matter if u were the one to leave first or they left you.

You deserve to not feel alone during this process. 💜

Is it government benefits as well?

No shame to people who use them. Even tho I’m slightly jealous cuz you gotta be dirt ass poor if u don’t have them or have a shit ton of kids to even get them.

But anyways, how?

I live alone and make over $50K a year in a cheap ass state and I’m not struggling, but obviously wish I was doing a little better. I save as much as I can and take other budgeting routes. I can also feed myself. So I guess I’m not doing TERRIBLE.

But I guess it’s the dual income a lot of parents get?

I just know if I had kids right now, I’d be absolutely struggling. Even if it’s dual income. Or borderline struggling.

I know at the end of the day ethnicity shouldn’t matter. But let’s be honest, we face different challenges a lot of the time. That definitely does not mean ethnicity personally matters to be at work at all.

But here it goes:

I’m a Black cop and I’ve been thinking about some of the stuff that comes with the job that people don’t really talk about.

A lot of people assume being a Black officer means you automatically think a certain way or should have certain opinions.

I’ve had people act surprised that I became a cop in the first place. Sometimes it feels like you’re caught in the middle. Some people see the badge before they see you, and others see your race before they see the badge.

Everyday I just try to do my job, treat people fairly, and go home at the end of my shift. But I’d be lying if I said there weren’t times where it felt like I was getting judged before I even opened my mouth.

That said, I’ve also had some really positive interactions because of it. There have been people who seemed more willing to talk to me or open up because they felt like I could relate to them.

I’m curious what other Black officers have experienced. What challenges have you run into? What are some things people outside of law enforcement don’t understand about being a Black cop?