u/FancifulCat

So I've read a lot about pwBPD getting supply in real life. In my observations, I also noticed my pwBPD spending almost every evening on online spaces. For example:

In a billion different Discord servers and VCs where they would create a false persona to lure in online friends to trauma dump onto. They would claim they are close to these friends and then trash talk them later on to me. It was crazy how far they would lie, like claiming they know they famous or intelligent people, that they go on elaborate holidays or trying to generally show off their knowledge for validation. Essentially framing themselves in a grandiose way.

Hours scrolling tiktok even in front of you when you're meant to be having a good time.

Starting arguments or provoking other people to their limits in chats even with friends they met in real life. Then blocking or ghosting when friends defend themselves to they don't have to listen to any logical rebuttal.

For all of them: Blocking and unblocking people online in sequence as a form of control and traumatizing people that grew attached to them. They would talk about those online friends as if they were soul tied BFFs, initially I thought they knew them in real so when I would ask to meet them they would clam up and say they never met them.

Like what? Oh, it's an online friend thousands of miles away who you've chatted to for 6 months and doesn't know the real you.

I have been on that sub for half a year now, and honestly, whilst I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and patience with people, I am shocked at the levels of toxicity, dichotomous thinking, lack of empathy and downright invalidation and/or misogyny towards women and their experiences. Like on the whole, I can't say that sub is welcoming, and some users do not really act with genuine Christian love and gentleness towards others.

I don't want to descend too much into insults, but the lack of reading comprehension kinda scares me too. For example, I will write 4 paragraphs explaining myself and my experiences, being genuine, and it seems like so many users just skim over all of what was written, blame me for my experiences and derail into adjacent themes that were never what I was intending to address. Like there's lack of logical flow from OP/commenters to the replies. It's like every conversation is driven away from real current issues that people face in real life and into abstract like discussions of official rules irregardless of the context and complexity.

It's like getting blood out of a stone to have an actual back and forth civil and polite discussion.

And genuinely, there's just some really hateful stuff over there that I am disgusted to read. I don't know if they are bots.

Is this just my personal experience? Like it seems to be a hub for heavy heavy traditionals and mostly men who seem to dislike women? I have left the sub because I find it just icky and not helpful for my faith. And if I am honest, it has led me thinking to leave the Catholic denomination, though I know the users are NOT representative.

TW: SH/suicide. This is pasted from another women centered sub but I was referred here by another user for support because I am wavering on leaving.

This one is a rant. I go onto these subs because I wanted to explore more about faith. When I chat to Christian women in person, they are usually very lovely and open to modern non-traditional views (childfree, not marrying, focusing on our own journey outside of men). I do not see how being childfree or wanting not to marry affects anyones faith with God.

Reddit is know for attracting controvesy and annoying commenters who invalidate/inflame arguments, I expect that, but this blew my mind.

I made a post asking SPECIFICALLY women who are childfree and Christian how they live their life, the reasons why (mine was trauma and health concerns), and how they navigate that. It immediately got brigaded by men downvoting the post and judging me for being childfree. They had the audacity to comment on a post that was nothing to do with them. They wanted me to elaborate. I said I had previous experiences with narcissistic abusive men who wear a mask until they tie down a woman. For Catholics, it's very tricky to get an annulment. So imagine being tied for life with a man who is covertly abusive with kids and being unable to prove it.

What shocked me, is I mentioned my previous trauma experiences with men led me to almost suicide, and I hated seeing my own mother get reduced to self-sacrifice of childrearing, and homemaking. She died miserable. That got immediately downvoted, some defensive comments from men that I will change my mind, and that being child-free is "anti-life". Wow. Of course they are personally offended that fellow Chrisitian women are out there refusing to bear their kids.

I never asked men to comment, I never asked for their opinion, I DIRECTED that post for women and they just can't leave us alone.

I have been on edge with my faith because it is well known it attracts misogynistic and patriarchal men sadly by its very structure - I ackowledge that. Those downvotes signal to me that a woman exercising her autonomy over her body and life trigger religious men so much. It's like a woman is not allowed to have her own fears, and is expected to push through and self-sacrifice for this traditional life route even if it goes against what she wants out of life (edit: to even the detriment of her own health). There is nothing in the Catholic faith that dictates a woman must be married and have kids. I confirmed that with our priest.

This sort of attitude is what is driving women away from religion, edit: sorry it wasn't clear, I am heavily debating leaving because of these patterns I am noticing.

Another weird habit I never saw in anyone before is they would buy expensive new items. E.g., clothes, shoes, bed sheets, tech, even plates and if they needed cleaning or easily repairable, they would just throw it out and buy new. E.g., I've seen clothes worn only ONCE to be tossed in the trash, like 40 dollars worth.

Is this just laziness, financial impulsivity or like a deeper way they can't look after their "objects" and rather get a new shiny one rather than repairing/cleaning the object? I'm thinking in parallel to the way they sometimes jump from person to person and can objectify/discard people.

Filipino family (I am born and raised in states moved to PH for a year), wanted to visit. Agreed on 2PM. I am in my home at 2PM. 2:30 comes nothing, no text, no update. I give them the benefit of the doubt traffic. 3pm nothing. 5PM Nothing.

I got angry and impatient that I just wated half my day for these fools. So i went out to do something else to enjoy my day. I get a call at 8PM THAT THEY ARE AT MY GATE WAITING FOR ME.

WHAT THE FUCK? do they seriously think I am a sitting duck wasting my life away for their convenience?

I say no, I'm out, they get angry that they wasted their time coming to my home. I said do you not know the difference between 2pm and 8pm? This didn't land nicely and now its passive aggressive being ignored by my own family. Yay.

Anyone here experienced the complete cold, emotionless switch up in their attitude towards you when you left them? I'm talking in less than 10 minutes to a day.

I believe as reasonable human beings, if we tried a million times to make them see how they are hurting us and we decide to call it quits, we should expect even a tiny amount of remorse, regret or sorrow in their eyes. Any realization from them that they fucked up.

I did not even get this, they switched up to me as cold, distant, like a stranger, then went into rage, accusations, smear campaign, yelling at me like I was the problem.

They complained I should have waited longer for them to come back from a split to leave. That was their DARVO, make me leaving the problem and frame me as inconsiderate.

It strikes me as coming from someone who exhausted their use out of me, saw me as someone that they couldn't control.

Whilst I understand the pain of a breakup, they sure had a way of objectifying me by their emotional, unempathetic emotionless discard response. Used toy, defective.

Weird post, I don't know if this is a more NPD trait. My male pwBPD used to take pictures of themselves naked, or naked pictures in the mirror. Would set up the lighting to be sultry like a strip club. (TMI. boner on show too and even holding his dang) He would keep these pictures in his gallery like a weird archive. I dont know if he sent those to other women.

I don't know why I remembered this but it struck me as weird and grandiose.

One day it looks quite short, then I find out the next week it's actually really long (same style, not straightened) and needs to be trimmed.

I swear I wake up and be like wow it really grew out?! I swear hair growth can't be linear it's unpredictable for me 😂 I dont know if I'm the only one?

I heard someone describe that being with a pwBPD can sometimes feel like sticking your head in a washing machine on a high cycle that’s full of lsd and spiders. (Doesn't apply to all, but applied to the abuse I personally got). I found this relateable to my experience and was the only fun way (sometimes light humor is needed to heal) I could articulate the manipulation and gaslighting I went through to my friends and therapist.

Weird post - not sure if I am going slightly crazy or PTSD coming back. I was kind of sitting by myself yesterday, and I remembered out the blue, I had a dream about this pwBPD situation a few years ago, but more related to the places we went and their face before. Like I am sure I dreamed of their face and walking with them and where I broke up with them in this dream before I even met them in reality. I consider myself quite grounded and I am not spiritual.

Is my brain accidentally stitching their face on vague dream memories? I feel like the trauma is like punishing me by saying "you should have known, this was inevitable, you were warned" kind of thing.

Mods please don't delete this post. I need to warn other ladies about this sub for their own good and welfare. You need to be very careful about discussing gendered type abuse you got from men in your life on that sub, it can be damaging if you're in a sensitive mental state. Not only is it commonly brigaded by men pretending to be women (with female avatars) saying covertly manipulative statements to invalidate OP, some of the mods are male. I can't say the male moderation presence is in good faith of the sub, and many women have made complaints about it, with their posts and comments removed despite breaking no rules. It's not a safe space, if you are making a post there complaining about how you were treated or abused by men in your life, expect that you will be invalidated by men, blame shifted, DARVO'd etc in this sub or your post/comment even removed by some of the male moderators.

Please use that sub at your own risk, don't argue with comments that are trying to blame you for how you were treated by a man. They are malicious lurkers who get a hit out of emotional responses from women online.

or "you're making me feel suicidal", "it's your fault I feel..." etc for the threats to be abusive. These are clearly emotional abuse and I'd argue easier to see off the bat. I'm making this long ass post because I saw the topic come up today and I wanted to be clear so others don't get trapped in this psychological terror.

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM AND SUICIDE POST do not read if this would traumatize you.

The problem is, almost every time you google advice about manipulation and suicide, they mostly talk only about these very obvious "if you leave me I will unalive myself" statements. Advice is to call emergency services and bow out the conversation. But in many cases it's never that simple to detect.

An abuser can consistently use threats of self harm seemingly out of nowhere to elicit control. It does not need to be tied to a conditional statement right away to consistute emotional abuse. For example, if in their mind they start fearing abandonment because you are busy, you may notice that night or next morning that they start talking about feeling depressed and suicidal. This slowly conditions you to be less busy and in their eyes means you passed a covert test that you won't leave them. Sometimes you don't even notice the connection.

They might split after a small argument and engage in self-destructive and self-harm behaviors that force you to reassure them.

Other examples that I have read or discussed from people's genuine expeirences with their pwBPD:

Delayed text response from you: "maybe everyone would be better off without me"

You make plans with family or friends: They suddenly become extremely depressed or mention suicidal ideation the night before or day of, creating a pattern where you cancel plans to prove you won't abandon them.

You set boundaries like wanting to sleep at 10 PM: They start making parasuicidal threats over text at 1 AM that you have to stay awake to handle.

Discussing the future of the relationship and handling minor disagreements: A few hours later they start talking about depression and suicide so you won't bring up the disagreement again. Especially if you state that you want to step back and have time to think to yourself.

Celebration party/birthday where the attention isn't on them: Suicide/self harm statements to postpone the celebration (your success is their abandonment).

The illness/bad day/have to look after someone else: You can't provide your usual level of emotional support, and they respond by having a "worse" crisis involving self harm threats, reclaiming your attention.

Triangulation: When you decide to leave the relationship and they talk publically about self-harm/suicide with mutuals to garner sympathy and frame you as the bad one who left someone in a mental health crisis.

Factitious disorder: They might show you photos of self-harm that are old or stage scenes (like a phone call claiming they're holding pills) knowing you can't verify the truth in real time. They may even do a "light" self harm attempt that doesn't do severe damage to make them the victim in a conflict whilst having genuine evidence that they followed through with an attempt and "isn't manipulation or a game".

The reason I am making this post is because it can be harder to detect these patterns unless you literally write a timeline of events in your relationship. Because the trigger can be very small, you may feel like the suicide threats do indeed come out of their depression rather than any perceived trigger from you, so you address them with genuine compassion and love.

Over time, this becomes the trap, you never connect your normal, healthy behaviors (being busy, sleeping, seeing friends, setting boundaries) to their suicide crises because the threats can be delayed by hours or even days. You genuinely believe you're supporting them through mental illness, when in reality you're being covertly conditioned to eliminate your autonomy.

Whilst some pwBPD are genuinely suicidal, you need to be careful if you are witnessing persistent empty threats. By keeping the trigger subtle and the threat delayed, they maintain plausible deniability while steadily eroding your independence and training you to prioritize their emotional needs above everything else, including your own safety, sleep, career, relationships, and mental health.

This IS abuse, this is coercive control even if they also need therapy to address their ideation and maladapative methods of getting their needs met.

Do not be shocked if they act with rage, vitriol, anger if you actually tell others to look out for them or call 911. Manipulative people using suicide threats do NOT like being exposed about what they are really doing.

Also, in some places this is punishable under domestic abuse laws. Keep your evidence clear if you need to. Don't make rash decisions to delete messages/screenshots.

I came out of being with an emotionally and verbally man who would threaten suicide and self harm. For example, say I was the reason he was alive/wouldn't commit suicide or when he was held accountable/stressed, tell me explicit methods he would use to harm himself, including threatening to overdose. He would also threaten to hit things in front of me. It ended with me crying and fainting because I almost dialed 999. I was heavily trauma bonded and later diagnosed with PTSD (even suggested CPTSD by therapist) and took 2.5 months off my job because I was physically shaking with panic attacks.

He is blocked and no further contact after leaving. He has made no contact with me since. I was told by friends and my therapist that I should consider reporting this under domestic violence/coercive control. From a non-legal perspective, I am psychologically healed (after therapy) so I try not to think about it. From a moral perspective, my family and friends are worried about him going forward to abuse and psychologically traumatise other women. They think that even if no conviction was made from my case, the police could potentially have a profile that would support other women in the future should they file.

A few months later I discovered through mutuals he is still threatening self harm to other people.

I am still on edge of presenting evidence/screenshots to the police because I am uncertain about the outcome of these cases. For example, what level of coercive control leads to what level of punishment. I know I should be seeking professional counsel in person for this very specific case, but I am wondering if a kind soul here who went through similar cases could guide me towards potential realistic outcomes.

Thank you

It's been around 1.7 years. When I look back at old screenshots I genuinely feel like I was not in that version of reality, it did not happen to me, and I never actually interacted or met pwBPD. I am not able to conjure up a visceral reaction of anger, disgust or limerance. Nothing. I can not remember their last name or what they look like.

Yet I know from my logical data bank - I was diagnosed CTPSD, suicidal ideation, severe rumination and cognitive dissonance, panic attacks you name it. They had a significant negative impact onto my psyche and my perception of human nature.

They must have constructed so many versions of themselves that my brain shut down trying to even conceive of them as a whole person. All I hold is fragmented bastardized realities, colliding stories and honestly, psychological vomit.

The human brain has such a wonderful way of protecting us by supressing trauma and abuse from our mind to the point it ceases to even be a formative memory.

I think those 2 years of my life were completely erased. I think I'm blessed? I think I'm grateful my nervous system doesn't jolt when I even scroll back through texts, or scroll on abuse subs like this or talk to mutuals.

Haven't seen them comment here in a while. I kind of miss their witty remarks every now and then. Hope he/she is okay

I had a memory come back to me way before we even dated. I remember he used to make fun of many people being autistic, send insulting reels about autism and say its you, and generally horrible content to trigger friends. He would boast about targetting mentally ill people to play with and keep him company or potentially date because they were easy to lovebomb.

I cracked one day because he went too far and I genuinely got angry, said something I regretted (so mods please understand I don't intend to make fun here). I posed an inquisitive sarcastic question to him saying, "imagine the matter-antimatter splitting implosion if you dated someone else with BPD, is that why you said to me you can't date someone else with BPD?" and he split on me instantly and ignored me for a day. He couldn't take it. I think he was aware he fucked up but never brought it up or even defended himself.It did not stop him from insulting other people's mental health later though.

Yup I don't know why I proceeded to date him, I forgot completely about this under idealization and I had terrible taste in who I dated.

So there's a few social media and news posts going around about how men really desire to be a father. But then if that truly was the case, surely we would see thousands of single men adopting and/or fostering kids? Why are we not seeing news posts about men "jumping" to adopt? Yes it takes a lot of long preparation, some countries do have a gender bias, but it's possible so as long as they can prove they have the resources.

What some of them basically want, is to have the status and stability uplift of being a father whilst having a woman do the majority of unpaid work of raising a kid with little to no change to their lifestyle. For a single man to adopt or foster, he must sign up for 100% of the labor, being awake treating 3 AM fevers, handling a kid's temper tantrums, cleaning their vomit, dealing with their school work etc without the support of a female partner. Of course that's not attractive to them. Many truly want the package deal of a wife and kids, with the wife as a buffer for all this unpaid labor.