u/Lovely_Flowers_

I have such a hard time making myself do my vest. I’ll literally just sit there and stare at it. I know I need to do it and I know how important it is, but for some reason actually starting feels impossible.

It feels like it’s gotten harder as I’ve gotten older too. I’ll think “I need to do my vest” over and over and still just not do it.

I’ve heard the advice about watching a show or YouTube, coloring, or doing something to distract yourself while you do it, but even that can feel like too much sometimes. I can’t even get myself to put the vest on.

My lungs are actually hurting right now and I’ve been wheezing more than usual, so I know I really need to be doing my treatments. I just feel kind of numb to it at this point, even though I know my lungs need it.

I’ve also been dealing with depression lately, which has made taking care of myself in general harder.

For people who have dealt with this, how did you get past that mental block? I’m not looking for someone to tell me that I need to do my treatments. I know. I just want to know what actually helped you get yourself to start when you knew you needed to but couldn’t.

I am tired.

I am so tired.

I feel like it's hard to breathe. I don't know if that's my anxiety or my cystic fibrosis making it hard to breathe. My mind is just constantly running. I've been staying up really late and sleeping through a big portion of my day. My head hurts. I feel like there's this pain in my heart, and part of me wonders if it's physical. I don't know if it's anxiety, if it's pain in my lungs, or if it's something else entirely. I just know I don't feel okay.

I have a neuropsych evaluation tomorrow because I don't know if I have OCD or something else going on. I've been depressed. I've been anxious. My brain just won't stop.

And underneath all of that, I feel like I don't have purpose or meaning anymore.

I grew up Christian, but I just feel so alone. I don't know how to believe in God right now anymore. At the same time, I feel like I need to believe in God because I don't know where else meaning comes from. I don't know what to do.

When I try to consider that maybe there's something I'm missing, I still end up feeling like I'm getting everything wrong.

I tried so hard to fit in. I tried to make things better. I tried to please God. I tried to fix myself. And I just feel like none of it worked.

Before my freshman year of college, I was pretty severely depressed. I had suicidal ideation. I had self-harm attempts. And through all of that, I just felt like God left me alone.

Now I just feel upset and angry. Like I can't do anything right.

I feel like my body isn't right. I need to fix it. I need to make it pretty, as if somehow being a pretty girl would finally give me meaning.

I don't have a boyfriend. I have friends, and I'm grateful for them, but even then I still feel lonely.

I don't know how to make life feel worth anything. I don't know how to find meaning or purpose without immediately falling into this existential dread of, "What is the point of living at all?"

I don't want to die, and I'm not going to kill myself. But I don't know what to do with the pain I'm feeling right now.

I need an answer.

I need something to fix this.

I'm tired of feeling like my whole life is just one mindless compulsion. Like I'm constantly chasing something that I can never reach. Like I have no meaning. Like everything is so difficult all the time.

I can't even escape the feeling because I just feel numb.

I'm about to go back to college for my second year, and I don't want things to go to shit like they did last time. I'm stepping down from leadership in my Christian club because I don't know where I'm at with God anymore, and I'm scared that I'm losing my community too.

I don't want to feel so alone.

I just don't understand how people can live happy lives or genuinely feel like God is with them, because all I feel is this emptiness.

I want to believe that I'm part of something bigger. I want to believe that life has meaning. I want to believe that I don't have to live in a world where I'm inherently sinful and broken, where blood has to pay a price, where people have to bleed and suffer at all.

Why?

Why do we live in this world?

I just want to understand.

I am tired.

I am so tired.

I feel like it's hard to breathe. I don't know if that's my anxiety or my cystic fibrosis making it hard to breathe. My mind is just constantly running. I've been staying up really late and sleeping through a big portion of my day. My head hurts. I feel like there's this pain in my heart, and part of me wonders if it's physical. I don't know if it's anxiety, if it's pain in my lungs, or if it's something else entirely. I just know I don't feel okay.

I have a neuropsych evaluation tomorrow because I don't know if I have OCD or something else going on. I've been depressed. I've been anxious. My brain just won't stop.

And underneath all of that, I feel like I don't have purpose or meaning anymore.

I grew up Christian, but I just feel so alone. I don't know how to believe in God right now anymore. At the same time, I feel like I need to believe in God because I don't know where else meaning comes from. I don't know what to do.

When I try to consider that maybe there's something I'm missing, I still end up feeling like I'm getting everything wrong.

I tried so hard to fit in. I tried to make things better. I tried to please God. I tried to fix myself. And I just feel like none of it worked.

Before my freshman year of college, I was pretty severely depressed. I had suicidal ideation. I had self-harm attempts. And through all of that, I just felt like God left me alone.

Now I just feel upset and angry. Like I can't do anything right.

I feel like my body isn't right. I need to fix it. I need to make it pretty, as if somehow being a pretty girl would finally give me meaning.

I don't have a boyfriend. I have friends, and I'm grateful for them, but even then I still feel lonely.

I don't know how to make life feel worth anything. I don't know how to find meaning or purpose without immediately falling into this existential dread of, "What is the point of living at all?"

I don't want to die, and I'm not going to kill myself. But I don't know what to do with the pain I'm feeling right now.

I need an answer.

I need something to fix this.

I'm tired of feeling like my whole life is just one mindless compulsion. Like I'm constantly chasing something that I can never reach. Like I have no meaning. Like everything is so difficult all the time.

I can't even escape the feeling because I just feel numb.

I'm about to go back to college for my second year, and I don't want things to go to shit like they did last time. I'm stepping down from leadership in my Christian club because I don't know where I'm at with God anymore, and I'm scared that I'm losing my community too.

I don't want to feel so alone.

I just don't understand how people can live happy lives or genuinely feel like God is with them, because all I feel is this emptiness.

I want to believe that I'm part of something bigger. I want to believe that life has meaning. I want to believe that I don't have to live in a world where I'm inherently sinful and broken, where blood has to pay a price, where people have to bleed and suffer at all.

Why?

Why do we live in this world?

I just want to understand.

I am tired.

I am so tired.

I feel like it's hard to breathe. I don't know if that's my anxiety or my cystic fibrosis making it hard to breathe. My mind is just constantly running. I've been staying up really late and sleeping through a big portion of my day. My head hurts. I feel like there's this pain in my heart, and part of me wonders if it's physical. I don't know if it's anxiety, if it's pain in my lungs, or if it's something else entirely. I just know I don't feel okay.

I have a neuropsych evaluation tomorrow because I don't know if I have OCD or something else going on. I've been depressed. I've been anxious. My brain just won't stop.

And underneath all of that, I feel like I don't have purpose or meaning anymore.

I grew up Christian, but I just feel so alone. I don't know how to believe in God right now anymore. At the same time, I feel like I need to believe in God because I don't know where else meaning comes from. I don't know what to do.

When I try to consider that maybe there's something I'm missing, I still end up feeling like I'm getting everything wrong.

I tried so hard to fit in. I tried to make things better. I tried to please God. I tried to fix myself. And I just feel like none of it worked.

Before my freshman year of college, I was pretty severely depressed. I had suicidal ideation. I had self-harm attempts. And through all of that, I just felt like God left me alone.

Now I just feel upset and angry. Like I can't do anything right.

I feel like my body isn't right. I need to fix it. I need to make it pretty, as if somehow being a pretty girl would finally give me meaning.

I don't have a boyfriend. I have friends, and I'm grateful for them, but even then I still feel lonely.

I don't know how to make life feel worth anything. I don't know how to find meaning or purpose without immediately falling into this existential dread of, "What is the point of living at all?"

I don't want to die, and I'm not going to kill myself. But I don't know what to do with the pain I'm feeling right now.

I need an answer.

I need something to fix this.

I'm tired of feeling like my whole life is just one mindless compulsion. Like I'm constantly chasing something that I can never reach. Like I have no meaning. Like everything is so difficult all the time.

I can't even escape the feeling because I just feel numb.

I'm about to go back to college for my second year, and I don't want things to go to shit like they did last time. I'm stepping down from leadership in my Christian club because I don't know where I'm at with God anymore, and I'm scared that I'm losing my community too.

I don't want to feel so alone.

I just don't understand how people can live happy lives or genuinely feel like God is with them, because all I feel is this emptiness.

I want to believe that I'm part of something bigger. I want to believe that life has meaning. I want to believe that I don't have to live in a world where I'm inherently sinful and broken, where blood has to pay a price, where people have to bleed and suffer at all.

Why?

Why do we live in this world?

I just want to understand.

I am tired.

I am so tired.

I feel like it's hard to breathe. I don't know if that's my anxiety or my cystic fibrosis making it hard to breathe. My mind is just constantly running. I've been staying up really late and sleeping through a big portion of my day. My head hurts. I feel like there's this pain in my heart, and part of me wonders if it's physical. I don't know if it's anxiety, if it's pain in my lungs, or if it's something else entirely. I just know I don't feel okay.

I have a neuropsych evaluation tomorrow because I don't know if I have OCD or something else going on. I've been depressed. I've been anxious. My brain just won't stop.

And underneath all of that, I feel like I don't have purpose or meaning anymore.

I grew up Christian, but I just feel so alone. I don't know how to believe in God right now anymore. At the same time, I feel like I need to believe in God because I don't know where else meaning comes from. I don't know what to do.

When I try to consider that maybe there's something I'm missing, I still end up feeling like I'm getting everything wrong.

I tried so hard to fit in. I tried to make things better. I tried to please God. I tried to fix myself. And I just feel like none of it worked.

Before my freshman year of college, I was pretty severely depressed. I had suicidal ideation. I had self-harm attempts. And through all of that, I just felt like God left me alone.

Now I just feel upset and angry. Like I can't do anything right.

I feel like my body isn't right. I need to fix it. I need to make it pretty, as if somehow being a pretty girl would finally give me meaning.

I don't have a boyfriend. I have friends, and I'm grateful for them, but even then I still feel lonely.

I don't know how to make life feel worth anything. I don't know how to find meaning or purpose without immediately falling into this existential dread of, "What is the point of living at all?"

I don't want to die, and I'm not going to kill myself. But I don't know what to do with the pain I'm feeling right now.

I need an answer.

I need something to fix this.

I'm tired of feeling like my whole life is just one mindless compulsion. Like I'm constantly chasing something that I can never reach. Like I have no meaning. Like everything is so difficult all the time.

I can't even escape the feeling because I just feel numb.

I'm about to go back to college for my second year, and I don't want things to go bad like they did last time. I'm stepping down from leadership in my Christian club because I don't know where I'm at with God anymore, and I'm scared that I'm losing my community too.

I don't want to feel so alone.

I just don't understand how people can live happy lives or genuinely feel like God is with them, because all I feel is this emptiness.

I want to believe that I'm part of something bigger. I want to believe that life has meaning. I want to believe that I don't have to live in a world where I'm inherently sinful and broken, where blood has to pay a price, where people have to bleed and suffer at all.

Why?

Why do we live in this world?

I just want to understand.

I am tired.

I am so tired.

I feel like it's hard to breathe. I don't know if that's my anxiety or my cystic fibrosis making it hard to breathe. My mind is just constantly running. I've been staying up really late and sleeping through a big portion of my day. My head hurts. I feel like there's this pain in my heart, and part of me wonders if it's physical. I don't know if it's anxiety, if it's pain in my lungs, or if it's something else entirely. I just know I don't feel okay.

I have a neuropsych evaluation tomorrow because I don't know if I have OCD or something else going on. I've been depressed. I've been anxious. My brain just won't stop.

And underneath all of that, I feel like I don't have purpose or meaning anymore.

I grew up Christian, but I just feel so alone. I don't know how to believe in God right now anymore. At the same time, I feel like I need to believe in God because I don't know where else meaning comes from. I don't know what to do.

When I try to consider that maybe there's something I'm missing, I still end up feeling like I'm getting everything wrong.

I tried so hard to fit in. I tried to make things better. I tried to please God. I tried to fix myself. And I just feel like none of it worked.

Before my freshman year of college, I was pretty severely depressed. I had suicidal ideation. I had self-harm attempts. And through all of that, I just felt like God left me alone.

Now I just feel upset and angry. Like I can't do anything right.

I feel like my body isn't right. I need to fix it. I need to make it pretty, as if somehow being a pretty girl would finally give me meaning.

I don't have a boyfriend. I have friends, and I'm grateful for them, but even then I still feel lonely.

I don't know how to make life feel worth anything. I don't know how to find meaning or purpose without immediately falling into this existential dread of, "What is the point of living at all?"

I don't want to die, and I'm not going to kill myself. But I don't know what to do with the pain I'm feeling right now.

I need an answer.

I need something to fix this.

I'm tired of feeling like my whole life is just one mindless compulsion. Like I'm constantly chasing something that I can never reach. Like I have no meaning. Like everything is so difficult all the time.

I can't even escape the feeling because I just feel numb.

I'm about to go back to college for my second year, and I don't want things to go to shit like they did last time. I'm stepping down from leadership in my Christian club because I don't know where I'm at with God anymore, and I'm scared that I'm losing my community too.

I don't want to feel so alone.

I just don't understand how people can live happy lives or genuinely feel like God is with them, because all I feel is this emptiness.

I want to believe that I'm part of something bigger. I want to believe that life has meaning. I want to believe that I don't have to live in a world where I'm inherently sinful and broken, where blood has to pay a price, where people have to bleed and suffer at all.

Why?

Why do we live in this world?

I just want to understand.

Tw: depression, self harm, suicidal ideation, religion

I am tired.

I am so tired.

I feel like it's hard to breathe. I don't know if that's my anxiety or my cystic fibrosis making it hard to breathe. My mind is just constantly running. I've been staying up really late and sleeping through a big portion of my day. My head hurts. I feel like there's this pain in my heart, and part of me wonders if it's physical. I don't know if it's anxiety, if it's pain in my lungs, or if it's something else entirely. I just know I don't feel okay.

I have a neuropsych evaluation tomorrow because I don't know if I have OCD or something else going on. I've been depressed. I've been anxious. My brain just won't stop.

And underneath all of that, I feel like I don't have purpose or meaning anymore.

I grew up Christian, but I just feel so alone. I don't know how to believe in God right now anymore. At the same time, I feel like I need to believe in God because I don't know where else meaning comes from. I don't know what to do.

When I try to consider that maybe there's something I'm missing, I still end up feeling like I'm getting everything wrong.

I tried so hard to fit in. I tried to make things better. I tried to please God. I tried to fix myself. And I just feel like none of it worked.

Before my freshman year of college, I was pretty severely depressed. I had suicidal ideation. I had self-harm attempts. And through all of that, I just felt like God left me alone.

Now I just feel upset and angry. Like I can't do anything right.

I feel like my body isn't right. I need to fix it. I need to make it pretty, as if somehow being a pretty girl would finally give me meaning.

I don't have a boyfriend. I have friends, and I'm grateful for them, but even then I still feel lonely.

I don't know how to make life feel worth anything. I don't know how to find meaning or purpose without immediately falling into this existential dread of, "What is the point of living at all?"

I don't want to die, and I'm not going to kill myself. But I don't know what to do with the pain I'm feeling right now.

I need an answer.

I need something to fix this.

I'm tired of feeling like my whole life is just one mindless compulsion. Like I'm constantly chasing something that I can never reach. Like I have no meaning. Like everything is so difficult all the time.

I can't even escape the feeling because I just feel numb.

I'm about to go back to college for my second year, and I don't want things to go to shit like they did last time. I'm stepping down from leadership in my Christian club because I don't know where I'm at with God anymore, and I'm scared that I'm losing my community too.

I don't want to feel so alone.

I just don't understand how people can live happy lives or genuinely feel like God is with them, because all I feel is this emptiness.

I want to believe that I'm part of something bigger. I want to believe that life has meaning. I want to believe that I don't have to live in a world where I'm inherently sinful and broken, where blood has to pay a price, where people have to bleed and suffer at all.

Why?

Why do we live in this world?

I just want to understand.

I am tired.

I am so tired.

I feel like it's hard to breathe. I don't know if that's my anxiety or my cystic fibrosis making it hard to breathe. My mind is just constantly running. I've been staying up really late and sleeping through a big portion of my day. My head hurts. I feel like there's this pain in my heart, and part of me wonders if it's physical. I don't know if it's anxiety, if it's pain in my lungs, or if it's something else entirely. I just know I don't feel okay.

I have a neuropsych evaluation tomorrow because I don't know if I have OCD or something else going on. I've been depressed. I've been anxious. My brain just won't stop.

And underneath all of that, I feel like I don't have purpose or meaning anymore.

I grew up Christian, but I just feel so alone. I don't know how to believe in God right now anymore. At the same time, I feel like I need to believe in God because I don't know where else meaning comes from. I don't know what to do.

When I try to consider that maybe there's something I'm missing, I still end up feeling like I'm getting everything wrong.

I tried so hard to fit in. I tried to make things better. I tried to please God. I tried to fix myself. And I just feel like none of it worked.

Before my freshman year of college, I was pretty severely depressed. I had suicidal ideation. I had self-harm attempts. And through all of that, I just felt like God left me alone.

Now I just feel upset and angry. Like I can't do anything right.

I feel like my body isn't right. I need to fix it. I need to make it pretty, as if somehow being a pretty girl would finally give me meaning.

I don't have a boyfriend. I have friends, and I'm grateful for them, but even then I still feel lonely.

I don't know how to make life feel worth anything. I don't know how to find meaning or purpose without immediately falling into this existential dread of, "What is the point of living at all?"

I don't want to die, and I'm not going to kill myself. But I don't know what to do with the pain I'm feeling right now.

I need an answer.

I need something to fix this.

I'm tired of feeling like my whole life is just one mindless compulsion. Like I'm constantly chasing something that I can never reach. Like I have no meaning. Like everything is so difficult all the time.

I can't even escape the feeling because I just feel numb.

I'm about to go back to college for my second year, and I don't want things to go to shit like they did last time. I'm stepping down from leadership in my Christian club because I don't know where I'm at with God anymore, and I'm scared that I'm losing my community too.

I don't want to feel so alone.

I just don't understand how people can live happy lives or genuinely feel like God is with them, because all I feel is this emptiness.

I want to believe that I'm part of something bigger. I want to believe that life has meaning. I want to believe that I don't have to live in a world where I'm inherently sinful and broken, where blood has to pay a price, where people have to bleed and suffer at all.

Why?

Why do we live in this world?

I just want to understand.

TW: Suicidal ideation, self-harm thoughts, depression, possible OCD/scrupulosity.

I'm not really sure where I stand with my faith anymore, and I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

I'm currently getting a neuropsych evaluation because my therapist thinks I might have OCD, and my sister (who has OCD) thinks I may have religious OCD/scrupulosity too. Looking back, I'm starting to wonder if what I thought was being "on fire for God" was actually anxiety.

God became my whole personality. Every decision felt like it determined if I was a good Christian. I felt guilty listening to secular music, not reading my Bible enough, not praying enough, or enjoying things that weren't about God. Everything felt heavy, and instead of bringing me closer to God, it left me feeling lonely and depressed.

A few months ago, I think I finally let myself be angry at God. Since then, I've had an aversion to almost anything Christian. Reading the Bible, praying, Christian music it all just feels heavy now.

The hardest part is that when I was at my lowest, dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm thoughts, I begged God to show up. I wanted Him to, and it felt like He never did. I still feel hurt by that.

Now I'm trying to figure out who I am outside of all this. I've stopped obsessing over whether everything I do is "Christian enough," and honestly, I feel more like myself. But it also makes me wonder where God fits into that, if at all.

Has anyone else gone through this? Especially if you've struggled with scrupulosity or OCD around faith? How did you approach God without falling back into fear, guilt, or rituals? Or where did your journey take you?

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

TW: Suicidal ideation, self-harm thoughts, depression, possible OCD/scrupulosity.

I'm not really sure where I stand with my faith anymore, and I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

I'm currently getting a neuropsych evaluation because my therapist thinks I might have OCD, and my sister (who has OCD) thinks I may have religious OCD/scrupulosity too. Looking back, I'm starting to wonder if what I thought was being "on fire for God" was actually anxiety.

God became my whole personality. Every decision felt like it determined if I was a good Christian. I felt guilty listening to secular music, not reading my Bible enough, not praying enough, or enjoying things that weren't about God. Everything felt heavy, and instead of bringing me closer to God, it left me feeling lonely and depressed.

A few months ago, I think I finally let myself be angry at God. Since then, I've had an aversion to almost anything Christian. Reading the Bible, praying, Christian music it all just feels heavy now.

The hardest part is that when I was at my lowest, dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm thoughts, I begged God to show up. I wanted Him to, and it felt like He never did. I still feel hurt by that.

Now I'm trying to figure out who I am outside of all this. I've stopped obsessing over whether everything I do is "Christian enough," and honestly, I feel more like myself. But it also makes me wonder where God fits into that, if at all.

Has anyone else gone through this? Especially if you've struggled with scrupulosity or OCD around faith? How did you approach God without falling back into fear, guilt, or rituals? Or where did your journey take you?

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

TW: Suicidal ideation, self-harm thoughts, depression, possible OCD/scrupulosity.

I'm not really sure where I stand with my faith anymore, and I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

I'm currently getting a neuropsych evaluation because my therapist thinks I might have OCD, and my sister (who has OCD) thinks I may have religious OCD/scrupulosity too. Looking back, I'm starting to wonder if what I thought was being "on fire for God" was actually anxiety.

God became my whole personality. Every decision felt like it determined if I was a good Christian. I felt guilty listening to secular music, not reading my Bible enough, not praying enough, or enjoying things that weren't about God. Everything felt heavy, and instead of bringing me closer to God, it left me feeling lonely and depressed.

A few months ago, I think I finally let myself be angry at God. Since then, I've had an aversion to almost anything Christian. Reading the Bible, praying, Christian music it all just feels heavy now.

The hardest part is that when I was at my lowest, dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm thoughts, I begged God to show up. I wanted Him to, and it felt like He never did. I still feel hurt by that.

Now I'm trying to figure out who I am outside of all this. I've stopped obsessing over whether everything I do is "Christian enough," and honestly, I feel more like myself. But it also makes me wonder where God fits into that, if at all.

Has anyone else gone through this? Especially if you've struggled with scrupulosity or OCD around faith? How did you approach God without falling back into fear, guilt, or rituals? Or where did your journey take you?

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

TW: Suicidal ideation, self-harm thoughts, depression, possible OCD/scrupulosity.

I'm not really sure where I stand with my faith anymore, and I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

I'm currently getting a neuropsych evaluation because my therapist thinks I might have OCD, and my sister (who has OCD) thinks I may have religious OCD/scrupulosity too. Looking back, I'm starting to wonder if what I thought was being "on fire for God" was actually anxiety.

God became my whole personality. Every decision felt like it determined if I was a good Christian. I felt guilty listening to secular music, not reading my Bible enough, not praying enough, or enjoying things that weren't about God. Everything felt heavy, and instead of bringing me closer to God, it left me feeling lonely and depressed.

A few months ago, I think I finally let myself be angry at God. Since then, I've had an aversion to almost anything Christian. Reading the Bible, praying, Christian music it all just feels heavy now.

The hardest part is that when I was at my lowest, dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm thoughts, I begged God to show up. I wanted Him to, and it felt like He never did. I still feel hurt by that.

Now I'm trying to figure out who I am outside of all this. I've stopped obsessing over whether everything I do is "Christian enough," and honestly, I feel more like myself. But it also makes me wonder where God fits into that, if at all.

Has anyone else gone through this? Especially if you've struggled with scrupulosity or OCD around faith? How did you approach God without falling back into fear, guilt, or rituals? Or where did your journey take you?

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

TW: Suicidal ideation, self-harm thoughts, depression, possible OCD/scrupulosity.

I'm not really sure where I stand with my faith anymore, and I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

I'm currently getting a neuropsych evaluation because my therapist thinks I might have OCD, and my sister (who has OCD) thinks I may have religious OCD/scrupulosity too. Looking back, I'm starting to wonder if what I thought was being "on fire for God" was actually anxiety.

God became my whole personality. Every decision felt like it determined if I was a good Christian. I felt guilty listening to secular music, not reading my Bible enough, not praying enough, or enjoying things that weren't about God. Everything felt heavy, and instead of bringing me closer to God, it left me feeling lonely and depressed.

A few months ago, I think I finally let myself be angry at God. Since then, I've had an aversion to almost anything Christian. Reading the Bible, praying, Christian music it all just feels heavy now.

The hardest part is that when I was at my lowest, dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm thoughts, I begged God to show up. I wanted Him to, and it felt like He never did. I still feel hurt by that.

Now I'm trying to figure out who I am outside of all this. I've stopped obsessing over whether everything I do is "Christian enough," and honestly, I feel more like myself. But it also makes me wonder where God fits into that, if at all.

Has anyone else gone through this? Especially if you've struggled with scrupulosity or OCD around faith? How did you approach God without falling back into fear, guilt, or rituals? Or where did your journey take you?

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

TW: Suicidal ideation, self-harm thoughts, depression, possible OCD/scrupulosity.

I'm not really sure where I stand with my faith anymore, and I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

I'm currently getting a neuropsych evaluation because my therapist thinks I might have OCD, and my sister (who has OCD) thinks I may have religious OCD/scrupulosity too. Looking back, I'm starting to wonder if what I thought was being "on fire for God" was actually anxiety.

God became my whole personality. Every decision felt like it determined if I was a good Christian. I felt guilty listening to secular music, not reading my Bible enough, not praying enough, or enjoying things that weren't about God. Everything felt heavy, and instead of bringing me closer to God, it left me feeling lonely and depressed.

A few months ago, I think I finally let myself be angry at God. Since then, I've had an aversion to almost anything Christian. Reading the Bible, praying, Christian music it all just feels heavy now.

The hardest part is that when I was at my lowest, dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm thoughts, I begged God to show up. I wanted Him to, and it felt like He never did. I still feel hurt by that.

Now I'm trying to figure out who I am outside of all this. I've stopped obsessing over whether everything I do is "Christian enough," and honestly, I feel more like myself. But it also makes me wonder where God fits into that, if at all.

Has anyone else gone through this? Especially if you've struggled with scrupulosity or OCD around faith? How did you approach God without falling back into fear, guilt, or rituals? Or where did your journey take you?

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

Is it possible to like not like your body want to loose weight and tone up and not have an ed from someone who has struggled with ed thoughts and behaviors in the past?

I've been a Christian for my whole life, but for the past few months I've been feeling distant from God. I think I might have religious OCD or something. I keep questioning God, or wondering if I even want Him, and it's been really confusing.

I feel like I've had good parents and a good family, but I have such a hard time feeling like God loves me, or feeling like I'm loved, or that I can be loved by a Father.

Recently I heard a poem about the motherly love of God, and it really touched me as a female. From my understanding, God doesn't have a gender, so why have we only called Him in the masculine form? Why not call God "Mother" or "she," especially since there are multiple times in the Bible where God is described with motherly imagery? At the same time, Jesus told us to call God Father, so I feel conflicted.

How do you actually feel loved, comforted, and assured by God? To me, loving comfort feels natural with a mother, but when I think of God as Father, I just feel anxiety. I feel afraid I'm going to mess up. I feel like I'm not loved, and I'm worried I'm going to get condemned to hell.

I've been a Christian for my whole life, but for the past few months I've been feeling distant from God. I think I might have religious OCD or something. I keep questioning God, or wondering if I even want Him, and it's been really confusing.

I feel like I've had good parents and a good family, but I have such a hard time feeling like God loves me, or feeling like I'm loved, or that I can be loved by a Father.

Recently I heard a poem about the motherly love of God, and it really touched me as a female. From my understanding, God doesn't have a gender, so why have we only called Him in the masculine form? Why not call God "Mother" or "she," especially since there are multiple times in the Bible where God is described with motherly imagery? At the same time, Jesus told us to call God Father, so I feel conflicted.

How do you actually feel loved, comforted, and assured by God? To me, loving comfort feels natural with a mother, but when I think of God as Father, I just feel anxiety. I feel afraid I'm going to mess up. I feel like I'm not loved, and I'm worried I'm going to get condemned to hell.

I've been a Christian for my whole life, but for the past few months I've been feeling distant from God. I think I might have religious OCD or something. I keep questioning God, or wondering if I even want Him, and it's been really confusing.

I feel like I've had good parents and a good family, but I have such a hard time feeling like God loves me, or feeling like I'm loved, or that I can be loved by a Father.

Recently I heard a poem about the motherly love of God, and it really touched me as a female. From my understanding, God doesn't have a gender, so why have we only called Him in the masculine form? Why not call God "Mother" or "she," especially since there are multiple times in the Bible where God is described with motherly imagery? At the same time, Jesus told us to call God Father, so I feel conflicted.

How do you actually feel loved, comforted, and assured by God? To me, loving comfort feels natural with a mother, but when I think of God as Father, I just feel anxiety. I feel afraid I'm going to mess up. I feel like I'm not loved, and I'm worried I'm going to get condemned to hell.