u/Ok_Sir_4584

I want to preface this by saying my mom is a wonderful grandmother and I trust her implicitly. My LO is almost 5 weeks and I’m a single mom. My mom doesn’t want to stay at my house as I’m in a one bedroom and she prefers her own space and surroundings. Twice now, I’ve let my mom keep my baby over night so I could catch up on sleep. I really appreciated her doing that. But every time she brought baby back home, baby was extra fussy and didn’t sleep even more than the usual and I felt awful that baby just wanted snuggles. Like she knew she was away from me and that was hard on her. It was hard on me too. It didn’t feel natural to be without my newborn. But I knew I was dangerously sleep deprived. Now every time I even mention that we didn’t sleep great or that LO is having a hard day, my mom says, “well I’ll just come take her for the day so you can rest.” Which is very thoughtful. But I’ve tried saying things like, “maybe you can just sit with us for the day?” Or, “why don’t you come over and help me with x & x” and she responds how she would prefer to just have baby at her house. I can’t really rest at my moms as she’s got 3 cats and 3 dogs and a lot going on lol. I also have my own dog at home. I also found out she took LO to meet an elderly neighbor of hers and didn’t tell me. I found out through my aunt. And my mom also mentioned letting my baby sleep on her stomach “supervised.” It just feels like she’s not telling me important things when she does keep her. And I miss my baby so much when she’s gone. Even when I am sleep deprived. I guess I don’t know if I’m wrong for feeling this way. Or if I should just take the help I’m offered.

First off, I LOVE my baby. I adore everything about her. The smell of her head is like crack. Her little nose and beautiful eyes are just perfect. These last four weeks with her have been magic in so many ways. That’s not what this is about.
This is about how everything I ever wanted to do or be as a mother, just isn’t happening. And it hurts my soul. I knew being a mom would be hard. I knew being a single mom would be even harder. But it feels like everything I do is wrong or doesn’t work out.
It started the day I went into labor. I have (had?) diagnosed tokophobia. Labor was a HUGE deal for me. I spent months in therapy to cope with the inevitable. And then when it happened, I discovered I COULD do it and I was so proud of myself. I found out in L&D triage that I had labored to 5cm on my own. That was amazing to me as I had previously thought that by the first contraction, I’d be out the door on my way to an epidural. So the fact I made it that far with no interventions really felt good. But then it was discovered my baby was breech. They said they would try to flip her. I agreed. Well, before they could even start, my baby’s heart dropped to 40. They waited it out for a moment and it went even lower. So we were taken to surgery immediately. I was so, so sad. I thought for sure I was going to labor naturally as the beginning went SO well? I know that sounds selfish. I’m so thankful my baby is okay. But it was a difficult labor situation to accept. So then after labor I decided to try and breastfeed. My baby had other plans. She refused to latch and every time I tried she would become inconsolable. LC’s couldn’t get her to latch but one time for about a minute. They basically told me to “keep trying….or don’t, that’s okay too!” I ended up going exclusively pumping. All was great until the end of week one. I wasn’t making enough milk for her and I had to supplement formula. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that decision. Because the onslaught of problems it has given my baby are awful. Colic. Reflux. Gastro distress. I’m horrifically allergic to dairy and so is my mother. So it’s likely babe inherited the allergy as well. Which is why I so desperately wanted to breastfeed. Every formula bottle she gets makes her uncomfortable and cry and whine. When she drinks the little breast milk I do manage to make, she seems so much better. It’s heartbreaking to know I’m giving her something that hurts her. And yes, I’ve tried about 8 different formulas, they all make her uncomfortable. I pump and pump and pump and never make enough milk. I’ve done all the supplements, power pumping, pumping every two hours, pumping with wearables near constantly, buying a spectra, hiring two different LC’s, literally tried it all. And I tried for a month to deal with all the things by myself, recover from a c section by myself, without asking for my parents help. They are close by. But I so badly wanted to be the mother that had it all together and enjoyed every single moment of motherhood. I finally reached a breaking point and ended up sobbing on my kitchen floor. My mom came over and took my baby to her house for the night. And to my surprise, baby slept like a champ. Was only mildly fussy, slept a 4 hour stretch, and apparently “smiled.” Even though I have yet to see her do that. I guess she smiled at my mom. My mom brought her back the next morning after I had some sleep. The entire next day my baby wouldn’t settle, sleep, kept pushing the bottle away, fighting every nap, wouldn’t go down in her swing that loves, and there were definitely no “smiles.” Why does my baby not like being with me?? And it doesn’t feel like she even cares that I’m her mom because she will snuggle with just about anybody that holds her. But she only fusses with me.
A lot of the day I find myself being silent and not talking to my baby much. I know I should talk more. But sometimes I just need the momentary silence between cries and whines to recoup some of my battery. I know I should be playing with my baby more and singing songs and reveling in every single moment with her because she will only be this little once. And I try to. But I’m tired. Tired of not being good enough. Tired of not making enough milk for her. Tired of seeing her in pain from formula. Tired of pumping. Tired of sleeping in 1.5 hour increments. Tired of needing to take 1000 pictures a day and journal our days and track and log everything so I don’t miss anything or forget anything she did or how cute she looks or how precious she is. Tired of feeling like the days are slipping by and I’m not keeping up. Tired of feeling this never ending anxiety. Tired of being tired.

That’s all.

First off, I LOVE my baby. I adore everything about her. The smell of her head is like crack. Her little nose and beautiful eyes are just perfect. These last four weeks with her have been magic in so many ways. That’s not what this is about.
This is about how everything I ever wanted to do or be as a mother, just isn’t happening. And it hurts my soul. I knew being a mom would be hard. I knew being a single mom would be even harder. But it feels like everything I do is wrong or doesn’t work out.
It started the day I went into labor. I have (had?) diagnosed tokophobia. Labor was a HUGE deal for me. I spent months in therapy to cope with the inevitable. And then when it happened, I discovered I COULD do it and I was so proud of myself. I found out in L&D triage that I had labored to 5cm on my own. That was amazing to me as I had previously thought that by the first contraction, I’d be out the door on my way to an epidural. So the fact I made it that far with no interventions really felt good. But then it was discovered my baby was breech. They said they would try to flip her. I agreed. Well, before they could even start, my baby’s heart dropped to 40. They waited it out for a moment and it went even lower. So we were taken to surgery immediately. I was so, so sad. I thought for sure I was going to labor naturally as the beginning went SO well? I know that sounds selfish. I’m so thankful my baby is okay. But it was a difficult labor situation to accept. So then after labor I decided to try and breastfeed. My baby had other plans. She refused to latch and every time I tried she would become inconsolable. LC’s couldn’t get her to latch but one time for about a minute. They basically told me to “keep trying….or don’t, that’s okay too!” I ended up going exclusively pumping. All was great until the end of week one. I wasn’t making enough milk for her and I had to supplement formula. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that decision. Because the onslaught of problems it has given my baby are awful. Colic. Reflux. Gastro distress. I’m horrifically allergic to dairy and so is my mother. So it’s likely babe inherited the allergy as well. Which is why I so desperately wanted to breastfeed. Every formula bottle she gets makes her uncomfortable and cry and whine. When she drinks the little breast milk I do manage to make, she seems so much better. It’s heartbreaking to know I’m giving her something that hurts her. And yes, I’ve tried about 8 different formulas, they all make her uncomfortable. I pump and pump and pump and never make enough milk. I’ve done all the supplements, power pumping, pumping every two hours, pumping with wearables near constantly, buying a spectra, hiring two different LC’s, literally tried it all. And I tried for a month to deal with all the things by myself, recover from a c section by myself, without asking for my parents help. They are close by. But I so badly wanted to be the mother that had it all together and enjoyed every single moment of motherhood. I finally reached a breaking point and ended up sobbing on my kitchen floor. My mom came over and took my baby to her house for the night. And to my surprise, baby slept like a champ. Was only mildly fussy, slept a 4 hour stretch, and apparently “smiled.” Even though I have yet to see her do that. I guess she smiled at my mom. My mom brought her back the next morning after I had some sleep. The entire next day my baby wouldn’t settle, sleep, kept pushing the bottle away, fighting every nap, wouldn’t go down in her swing that loves, and there were definitely no “smiles.” Why does my baby not like being with me?? And it doesn’t feel like she even cares that I’m her mom because she will snuggle with just about anybody that holds her. But she only fusses with me.
A lot of the day I find myself being silent and not talking to my baby much. I know I should talk more. But sometimes I just need the momentary silence between cries and whines to recoup some of my battery. I know I should be playing with my baby more and singing songs and reveling in every single moment with her because she will only be this little once. And I try to. But I’m tired. Tired of not being good enough. Tired of not making enough milk for her. Tired of seeing her in pain from formula. Tired of pumping. Tired of sleeping in 1.5 hour increments. Tired of needing to take 1000 pictures a day and journal our days and track and log everything so I don’t miss anything or forget anything she did or how cute she looks or how precious she is. Tired of feeling like the days are slipping by and I’m not keeping up. Tired of feeling this never ending anxiety. Tired of being tired.

That’s all.

My daughter is 4 weeks old today. I’m a FTM and single mom. She’s had a LOT of big poops in the last 24 hours. Like filling a diaper 10x in the last 24 hours. Now this last poop was soaked into the diaper, clearly diarrhea. I checked her temp at she’s 99.5 when normally she’s around 98.2. She’s combo fed and has been refusing more of the formula the last 2 days. I called her pediatrician, and her doctor isn’t in today so they suggested I take her in to an urgent care to see if she’s dehydrated. I’m post c section with postpartum preeclampsia and haven’t been cleared to drive on my own yet. I called my mom about all of this and to potentially take us to the urgent care and she told me I’m overreacting and should let my daughter have a chance to fight this on her own before taking her around more sick people in an urgent care or ER setting. She also said that 99.5 isn’t considered a fever in a newborn even though it’s higher than my daughter’s normal. I understand where she’s coming from. But I just don’t know the right thing to do. My daughter is acting a bit more fussy than normal, cries when she poops, and overall more tired than the normal. But her soft spot isn’t sunken in, she’s eating, although not her normal amounts, and she’s still peeing. So what do I do? I understand yall aren’t medical experts but I can’t talk to her pediatrician directly, and I’m worried.

I have a 4 week old baby that absolutely refuses to sleep in longer than two hour stretches at night. It’s confusing because during the day, she’ll go 3-4 hours when napping. Whether it’s on me, in her swing, in the bassinet, doesn’t matter - she sleeps. She’s great during the day. But at night? Totally different kid. And we do the same routine every night. Bath. Snuggles. Kisses. Lay her down and she’s out like a light immediately. But is up again in 1.5-2 hours. She eats well. Will take 2.5-3oz at each wake up before pushing the bottle away, and then still wakes up 2 hours later almost on the dot grunting and eating her hands and wanting more. And if I don’t attend near immediately, she’s crying. I’ve tried swaddling. White noise. Snoo. Extra bottle before bed. Forcing a little more in her (within reason). She’s combo fed, and I’m a single first time mom. Not sure if any or all of those factors play in here. But I’m exhausted and getting so discouraged reading about other month old baby’s sleeping in 3-4 hour stretches.

I have a 4 week old baby girl and it seems my family is constantly undermining everything I want. My baby’s dad isn’t around physically atm, so my parents and extended family are a bit more involved than I would assume is the normal. A few days ago I reached a breaking point with having nothing but 3-4 hours of broken sleep through the night since she was born and my mom offered to take her for an evening. My mom won’t stay at my house for, reasons. So she took my baby to her house. I’ve said multiple times I do NOT want people who aren’t family around my baby yet. And I don’t even want some of my family around her because two of them work at an infectious disease clinic, and several others choose to be unvaccinated. (The irony of all of that is not lost on me. Trust me…But anyways..) Yesterday we went to visit my grandma (baby’s great grandma) and I overhear my mom saying, “yeah I took the baby to see (insert her neighbor’s name here) when I had her the other night.” I turned around and said, “you didn’t tell me you took her there.” And she goes, “oh. Well she only saw her at the car. We didn’t go in the house.” I didn’t say much, because like I said, my mom has been super involved and supportive. She also paid to have the baby’s nursery done. So I felt I couldn’t really put my foot down with her. But I had specifically mentioned at one point not wanting this neighbor around my baby as she’s a pretty sickly person and has had covid and various other things just in the last year. Well, then I was sitting there burping my baby after feeding her and my mom comes over and grabs her and goes, “give me that baby.” And I said, “um I was kinda busy with her.” And she goes, “yeah but I want to burp her.” At that point I overhear my grandma’s husband (she remarried in her 70’s. He’s not bio related) talking horrible things about minorities. My daughter is half Hispanic. I’ve made it known to my mother that I don’t want him involved with my daughter. And while holding my daughter she goes to him, “want to hold her?” He immediately declined, I only assume due to his racial bias based on what he had said, and we’ve been to their house several times now and he has refused to even acknowledge my daughter and will ignore any conversation about her. So I really wish my mom wouldn’t have even offered to him to hold my baby. After that my mom put my baby down on the couch and my grandmas dog came over to the couch barking and scaring her standing right at face height with her laying on the couch. I kept saying I didn’t want him around the baby as he’s been known to nip people (herding breed). Everyone was like, “oh he’s not mean. He won’t do anything.” How do you know? I don’t even let my dog I’ve had for a decade near my baby’s face. And my grandmas dog did nip my cousins toddler last year. So I picked up my baby and we walked to the other room. Now today, I’m at home at 5PM after a very difficult day with LO and I get a text from my mom saying, “your aunt is on the way to drop stuff off to you. Have the house ready. She wants to see the baby.” Like, why can’t my aunt reach out to me herself? I’m a 31 year old woman. We could have planned this together. Also, why am I expected to jump and get my house “ready?” Ahh. I don’t know how much of this is valid and how much of it is just postpartum anxiety. I want to be thankful for all their help, but I’m really getting frustrated. 😩

I know this is stupid AF. But anyways. Here goes. I recently went to the hospital to have my first baby. I have really bad SA trauma and other mental “things.” So I brought my childhood blanket. Washed OFC. But admittedly, it looked kinda ratty. But it brought me a lot of comfort. Especially since I ended up having an emergency c section and almost losing my baby. My mom kept complaining the entire hospital stay that I brought my “nasty” blanket and every time a doctor or nurse would come in, she would take it and hide it in the closet. The day I discharged I begged her to please not forget my blanket. She threw it in a pillow case to further hide it and swore she took it to the car. A month later we still haven’t found it and she finally admitted that “maybe” she forgot it at the hospital. She has zero cares about it and basically said I’m better off without it. I’m so upset. I loved that blanket so much. I shouldn’t have taken it to the hospital. So that’s on me. But also, she’s the same way with things I really care about in my home. Like my plants. She swears they’re “dirty” and just “breed mold” but I don’t overwater them and some of them I’ve had all through my 20’s. She keeps telling me to get rid of them now that I have a baby. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. Last week she came over to clean and placed an ottoman on top of the leaves of one of them crushing the leaves and pulling some of the roots out. (Monstera plant). I just wish she cared about the things I care about on the same level. I know it’s silly. But eh. Just needed a place to put this because PP is hitting hard today and it’s upsetting me more today than normal.

I’m a FTM and a single mom. My three week old barely sleeps 1-2 hour stretches through the night. And during the day, may give me 3 hour stretches. She’s a good girl. Doesn’t cry much unless she’s poopy, hungry, or is put down. So, we mostly just have issues with sleep. At home, she won’t sleep in her bassinet, her crib, or her pack n play. I went 2.5 weeks with only about 3-4 hours of broken sleep a night. After much consternation, I finally agreed to let my mom take my daughter for a night so I could sleep. My mom doesn’t want to stay at my place because I have a one bedroom, and a hyperactive (very sweet but energetic) dog. My mom also has several health issues that cause her to have chronic pain, so she really just likes to sleep in her own bed. I get it. But anyways. She took my daughter last night and I checked the app I log everything in and to my amazement, the kid slept 4 hours straight, twice!! I called my mom when they were on their way back to my place this morning and asked her about it and she said, “yeah idk. She’s pretty easy. Just change her. Feed her. Let her sleep. She went to sleep in the pack n play, no problem.” This is the second time she’s watched my daughter and my daughter slept great. What the hell am I doing wrong? My daughter has been home since early this morning and has gone back to only sleeping in 1 hour increments, and hating to be put down. Today she’s only giving me 20-40 minute naps. I’m so discouraged. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I’m a FTM and my baby is 3 weeks old. Her dad isn’t around. I don’t have siblings. But I do have a very supportive mother. I had a difficult birth that resulted in an emergency c section. 5 days after we got home, I hadn’t slept at all since the night before I went into labor and I was literally starting to hear things. My mom convinced me it was in my best interest for her to take my baby to her house for the night so I could rest. As I live in a one bedroom and there isn’t much room for her to stay with us and it still be conducive for me to rest. My dog also constantly barks when company is over. The guilt over me agreeing to that and allowing myself to miss an entire night of my newborn’s life, has absolutely killed me ever since. I think about it every day. Well now she is 3 weeks and I still haven’t had but maybe 3-4 broken hours of sleep a night. She will sleep in two hour increments sometimes but she is somewhat of a Velcro baby and has had latch issues that make feeding difficult even with a bottle, and results in frequent wake ups, especially at night. And by the time I change her, feed her, get her settled, pump, and fall asleep myself, I’m only catching an hour to 45 minutes at a time at best. I’m thoroughly exhausted and my body hurts. My c section incision aches so bad and I get horrible nerve “zings”. I’m forgetting simple things like logging her oz’s at each meal, or remembering to turn on the dishwasher. Poor dog got fed 2 hours late last night. I almost fell asleep just sitting down to pee yesterday. Sorry for the TMI lol. My house is a wreck. I’m a wreck. And even when my baby sleeps during the day, I can’t sleep because I’m on such high alert waiting for her to wake up. I’m also exclusively pumping due to her latch issues so my pump schedule doesn’t leave me much time to rest even when she is. My mom keeps urging me to let her take the baby for a day or night and saying she’s worried for our safety because I’m so sleep deprived. But the idea still breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do. I know I need rest but I don’t want my baby away from me. And although my baby wakes up at least every 2 hours through the night, I feel we have somewhat of a schedule together and I’m scared letting someone else watch her will change that.

I’m a FTM and my baby is 3 weeks old. Dad isn’t around. I don’t have siblings. But I do have a very supportive mother. I had a difficult birth that resulted in an emergency c section. 5 days after we got home, I hadn’t slept at all since the night before I went into labor and I was literally starting to hear things. My mom convinced me it was in my best interest for her to take my baby to her house for the night so I could rest. As I live in a one bedroom and there isn’t much room for her to stay with us and it still be conducive for me to rest. The guilt over me agreeing to that and allowing myself to miss an entire night of my newborn’s life, has absolutely killed me ever since. I think about it every day. Well now she is 3 weeks and I still haven’t had but maybe 3 broken hours of sleep a night. She’s somewhat of a Velcro baby and has had latch issues that make feeding difficult and results in frequent wake ups, especially at night. I’m thoroughly exhausted and my body hurts. I’m forgetting simple things like logging her oz’s at each meal, or remembering to turn on the dishwasher. Poor dog got fed 2 hours late last night. I almost fell asleep just sitting down to pee yesterday. Sorry for the TMI lol. My house is a wreck. I’m a wreck. And even when my baby sleeps during the day, I can’t sleep because I’m on such high alert waiting for her to wake up. I’m also exclusively pumping due to her latch issues so my pump schedule doesn’t leave me much time to rest even when she is. My mom keeps urging me to let her take the baby for a day or night and saying she’s worried for our safety because I’m so sleep deprived. But the idea still breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do. I know I need rest but I don’t want my baby away from me.

I’m a FTM and my baby is two weeks today. We’ve had a rough go with BFing. At the hospital I had a very traumatic birth where we almost lost my baby and I was in and out of consciousness for several hours. So we didn’t latch right away. She got colostrum I pumped and then by the time the lactation consultant came around she had needed a few oz’s of formula. We only got her to latch once at the hospital and it was quite aggressive the way the consultant did it. She basically took my baby’s head and shoved her to the nipple and held her there even when my baby was screaming and pushing away and looking like she couldn’t breathe. I found out at her first peds appointment that she had a significant lip and tongue tie. So I continued to pump and supplement formula because every time I got her to the breast she would meltdown before I even attempted the latch. I hired a new LC and she’s been wonderful. We finally got my baby to latch and we had 4 successful feeds. I took my baby to a cranial therapist and a chiropractor who both emphasized the need for my baby to be breastfed for the “bonding” and “secure attachment.” Also telling me how her health will suffer without her having that breastfeeding attachment to me. So I kept trucking on. My baby had her ties released two days ago and has gone back to refusing to latch. She stiffens up, turns red, screams, and pushes away if I even try to get her in position to feed. And she melts down even more if I attempt to bring her to the nipple. I feel so awful. It doesn’t matter what position I hold her in. I’ve tried the “bait and switch,” method, I’ve tried dripping the milk into her mouth, I’ve tried the breast hamburger hold, holding baby cross cradle, football, you name it- I’ve tried it. Im about to give up and go exclusive with pumping. But every doctor I’ve taken her to keeps telling me how crucial it is to BF her. My LC is expensive and i cant keep paying her to come to the house. Im just so sad my baby hates my boobs 🥺

I’m a first time and single mom, and my baby is two weeks today. We’ve had a rough go with BFing. At the hospital I had a very traumatic birth where we almost lost my baby and I was in and out of consciousness for several hours. So we didn’t latch right away. She got colostrum I pumped and then by the time the lactation consultant came around she had needed a few oz’s of formula. We only got her to latch once at the hospital and it was quite aggressive the way the consultant did it. She basically took my baby’s head and shoved her to the nipple and held her there even when my baby was screaming and pushing away and looking like she couldn’t breathe. I found out at her first peds appointment that she had a significant lip and tongue tie. So I continued to pump and supplement formula because every time I got her to the breast she would meltdown before I even attempted the latch. I hired a new LC and she’s been wonderful. We finally got my baby to latch and we had 4 successful feeds. I took my baby to a cranial therapist and a chiropractor who both emphasized the need for my baby to be breastfed for the “bonding” and “secure attachment.” Also telling me how her health will suffer without her having that breastfeeding attachment to me. So I kept trucking on. My baby had her ties released two days ago and has gone back to refusing to latch. She stiffens up, turns red, screams, and pushes away. I feel so awful. It doesn’t matter what position I hold her in, I’ve tried “bait and switch,” I’ve tried dropping the milk into her mouth, I’ve tried the breast hamburger hold, holding baby cross cradle, football, you name it- I’ve tried it. LC keeps telling me to just “keep trying” but it’s honestly to the point where my baby melts down even seeing me get the boppy out. It’s SO sad 🥺 and Im about to give up and go exclusive with pumping. But every doctor I’ve taken her to keeps telling me how crucial it is to BF her. I just feel defeated. Is there really any difference in bonding between BF and exclusively bottle fed (with breast milk) babies?

My baby is 11 days old. I’m a single mom and completely by myself. Like the typical newborn, babe only wants to sleep on me. I’ve tried her bassinet every day since we came home and the longest stretch she’s gone is 20 minutes. But now, she’s gotten to where she screams as soon as I lay her in it. However, I have a lounger that she loves. She will sleep 3-4 hour stretches in it and wake up happy and cooing. But I know I can’t let her do that. I know they aren’t meant for sleeping. But I’m losing my freaking mind. I need sleep. I’m falling asleep sitting on the toilet for 30 seconds to pee. It feels like it’s entering a dangerous phase with the lack of sleep and I’m terrified I’ll make a mistake while this tired and accidentally hurt my baby or something. I don’t know what to do.

My baby is 10 days old and met “the family” today. I brought her lounger, which is the only thing she’ll sleep on. When I wasn’t paying attention my grandma took to lounger and washed it with scented concentrated detergent and spray n wash. I asked where it was and she had it in the dryer with dryer sheets by the time I discovered where it was. Now the lounger reeks of whatever the hell she used and it’s so strong my whole car smells like it. It’s awful. We have newborn pics early in the morning and now at 9 PM I have to try and wash this lounger and get the smell out before bed tonight. Also, I was not prepared for just how little I would see my baby all day. She was passed around all day and every time I’d ask for her back someone would say, “you’re not gonna let me see that baby?” I went into a spare bedroom with her to pump and my grandma’s border collie kept coming in and barking and scaring the baby. I got angry after the first 4 times and kicked him out of the room. My mom came in and saw me crying and told me to “pull it together.” Then grabbed the baby and tried to feed her. My little cousin asked to hold the baby and I said “wash your hands and no kisses.” She rinsed her hands in water and then said, “okay I’m done.” And I said, “nope used soap and warm water for several seconds please.” For context: this kid just got back two hours before this happening from an overnight stay with 9 other teenage girls at a softball event. Then my grandma kept telling me I need to put lotion on my baby because of her skin. I told her it’s normal and to take please leave it alone and not put anything on her because the drying is normal. So she sat there trying to peel and pick the flaking skin off my baby. I finally just grabbed my baby back. I know my postpartum anxiety is probably the root of all of this bothering me. But I’m a single mom and exhausted and today really wore me tf out.

My baby is 10 days old. She’s a fantastic baby and only cries if she’s hungry, or poops. She really doesn’t even cry when she wakes up, but she will grunt and stretch for a few minutes and if I don’t tend to her during her grunts she will then start to cry. I’ve learned how long I have between grunts and her crying. I really couldn’t ask for a better babe. I’m a single mom and my mom has been over to help us a lot. She keeps making comments that I don’t “let” my baby cry enough. She keeps saying, “she won’t die if you don’t go to her right away.” And, “she never cries because you don’t LET her,” in kind of a snide way. For context: yesterday we were in the baby’s nursery (baby stays in my room, but we had to finish hanging some photos in her room so i laid babe in her crib for the first time so she could be with us) and baby started grunting and squealing. I went to get baby and my mom said, “now just give her a paci and go sit down.” I told her I knew that wouldn’t work and she mentioned letting baby “self soothe.” I told her I’m not comfortable with it and sure enough, about 2 minutes later baby started actually crying. So I went and picked her up and comforted her. Today I keep hearing how I never let her cry long enough to learn to self soothe. But she’s literally not even 2 weeks old yet. Am I doing her a disservice by immediately tending to her??

I just needed a place to tell my birth story. It’s taken so much processing on my end. I’m SO thankful to have my girl here and safe, but it was such a difficult journey getting here her.

At every appointment from 30 weeks to 39 weeks, I was told my baby was head down and engaged. I was told to prepare for an early birth. Well, at 39+6 I still hadn’t gone into labor. On my due date I woke up with back pain that wouldn’t let up and a weird “sensation” I truly did not believe were contractions lol. I kept gaslighting myself that it wasn’t labor. Well, the “sensations” got stronger and I decided to call my mom. I wouldn’t describe them as period pains, nor would I describe them as a true, “start, peak, come down, break,” as contractions are usually described. My mom came about 2 hours later and I was in a decent amount of pain but mostly in my back. The whole way to L&D I kept crying saying I was afraid they would send me home and tell me I wasn’t in labor! Lol. In triage they checked me and I was at 4-5 with bulging waters, and I was SHOCKED! But SO excited I had labored that far on my own. Then, the bad news came. It was discovered my baby was frank breech and I was about to lose my waters. They wheeled me to a labor room and told me we could try to flip her, otherwise we were going to C-section. I asked them to try and flip her. They wanted me to have the epidural first in case the flipping didn’t work and we had to go to surgery. The epidural was by far the most painful part of it all for me. They went directly into a nerve which caused horrible nerve pain to shoot down my back into my right leg. My right leg instantly went numb and I lost control over it. My leg shot up in the air and made my whole body jerk. When that happened, the anesthesiologist accidentally pushed the needle in farther and went into a “bad” space. She started yelling at me and saying it was my fault and I needed to “try harder.” I told her I literally had no feeling in my leg or control when it happened. She had to start all over and it took about 15 minutes of what felt like digging in my back for her to find the place. Then it was near instant relief and I laid on my side and had a blissful 10 minute nap lol. They came in to flip my baby and right before they started, her heart rate decelled to almost nothing. 8 people came rushing in and got me on me hands and knees and said we were going to surgery, now. We got to the operating room and they laid me flat and I started to pass out. I remember asking for my mom and then everything got blurry. I don’t really remember much after that. I woke up to them saying “your baby is almost out. Hang on.” And a moment later seeing a wet, but alive and well, smushed up little baby being held over the curtain. I passed out again and woke up again to someone saying, “hey. Look she’s coming to see you.” And my mom brought her over to me. My baby literally reached her hand out and laid it on my face 🥹 after that they stitched me up and next thing I remember I was in recovery being handed my baby to do skin to skin. The next 2 hours after that were the most blissful 🥹♥️ the doctor came in and talked to me and said my baby appeared as if she had been breech for “some time.” I told her that confused me as several different practitioners at the office told me she was head down all the way up to the appointment I had 3 days before I went into labor. I guess I’ll never know what truly happened, or why. But I’m so thankful she is here ♥️

I’m a former fence sitter that got pregnant very unexpectedly. I almost didn’t keep my pregnancy and actually had an appointment made that I canceled. My baby’s father also left halfway through the pregnancy. It was a difficult pregnancy journey that left me feeling like my life was surely ending. But I just had my baby 5 days ago, and I’ve honestly never been happier. I had a very traumatic birth, and even with that, I could not be more thrilled. The joy this little baby brings me is unparalleled to anything I ever held dear before. Yes, it’s hard losing your freedom almost immediately. But truly, at this point, I don’t really even miss it. And when I do miss it, it’s a fleeting, “wow, I’m exhausted” thought, right before, “but I wouldn’t change anything this for anything at all.” Just wanted to say that there is hope on the other side for any fence sitting, or currently pregnant and terrified women. ♥️

FTM. I’m 39+5. And ever since 39 almost on the dot, I’ve been so miserable. My pelvis hurts so bad. Every time I stand up or roll over in bed or go pee, I have super intense cramps for a few minutes. Then they go away and I’m left with this insane pressure in my lower half. My back aches constantly. I’ve been losing my mucous plug over several days and it’s so nasty. My baby moving has become so uncomfortable it irritates me and I feel terrible at how much it makes me cringe. I feel claustrophobic in my own body 😩. My crotch feels like it’s going to fall out. I’m still sleeping decently at night, so I guess I have that going for me. But I don’t know how much longer I can do this 😩 just needed a place to complain lol.

My BD self deported back in September. I went with him to help him get settled and make sure he was safe on the journey. We found out the morning I flew home that I was pregnant. He promised a lot of things like, to buy her a crib, clothes, diapers, to send money for some doctor’s bills. None of it ever happened. He called me one day about the money he was supposed to send and said, “I tried to send it but they want twice as much to send it as what I’m trying to send…so I can’t.” I tried to be understanding because I know money is hard to make where he is. So I even gave him some money for gas and groceries and paid for a couple of the attorneys. We had stayed really close and I thought, loved each other very much. He was actively working on getting back here. Would send me messages or call me saying, “I’m so in love with you.” And “I can’t wait to hear our daughters voice. I hope she sounds like you. I love your voice.” “I just want you.” “Let’s just get married.” But then, the last two months or so, he’s been quieter, doesn’t call as much, hasn’t updated me about the attorneys, hasn’t asked much about the baby. Will say he’s going to call and then doesn’t. Few times when we were talking he kept saying things like, “is there any possible way to get the baby here? She can stay with my sister. My sister always wanted a baby and I know things are hard for you..” or “just send the baby here. I told you my sister will care for her.” I told him multiple times to stop suggesting that and he kept doing it anyways. Then Wednesday, I found out he’s been sleeping with his first BM and giving her money. Well…he wasn’t totally outright with it. I asked him point blank and he said, “why.” I said, “because i need to know. This is killing me.” He replied, “I don’t want to talk about it. I just hurt you.” I asked him if that’s where all his money is going and he said, “Well I mean…she can’t work…who would watch the kids.” Like, he doesn’t care that I’m still working at 38 weeks pregnant???? Then said, “I don’t know why you want to talk about this. I don’t understand.” So I asked him “okay if I was standing right there watching you, would the things you’re doing with her make me upset or sad?” He said, “Yeah. Probably. You’re not stupid.” Then he also admitted to me that he lied to her and told her he doesn’t even talk to me anymore and has been hiding MY calls from HER. This woman also said horrible things about our baby that I found out about on Facebook, and that this woman wished my baby and myself “unalived.” I lost my mind and pressed him about how he could lay with someone who said those things about one of his kids. He just said, “I’m sorry.” In the heat of that moment, I sent one final message telling him to just stay there and not come back and then I blocked him. Now I’m struggling with if I made the right decision or not. I just don’t know how we got here from where we started. I thought we were the two most in love people on the planet. Everybody makes mistakes but this one felt unforgivable in my opinion. But now I know that I cut off my daughter’s father and as I’m about 2 weeks from birth, I’m starting to panic about what I did. I so wish he could have given me the closure of being forthright and honest and just said, “yeah I screwed around with her.” The ambiguity and confusion and admittance by omission is horrible to wrap my head around.

My BD self deported back in September. I went with him to help him get settled and make sure he was safe on the journey. We found out the morning I flew home that I was pregnant. He promised a lot of things like, to buy her a crib, clothes, diapers, to send money for some doctor’s bills. None of it ever happened. He called me one day about the money he was supposed to send and said, “I tried to send it but they want twice as much to send it as what I’m trying to send…so I can’t.” I tried to be understanding because I know money is hard to make where he is. So I even gave him some money for gas and groceries and paid for a couple of the attorneys. We had stayed really close and I thought, loved each other very much. He was actively working on getting back here. Would send me messages saying, “I’m so in love with you.” And “I can’t wait to hear our daughters voice. I hope she sounds like you. I love your voice.” “I just want you.” “Let’s just get married.” But then, the last two months or so, he’s been quieter, doesn’t call as much, hasn’t updated me about the attorneys, hasn’t asked much about the baby. Will say he’s going to call and then doesn’t. Few times when we were talking he kept saying things like, “is there any possible way to get the baby here? She can stay with my sister. My sister always wanted a baby and I know things are hard for you..” or “just send the baby here. I told you my sister wants her.” I told him multiple times to stop suggesting that and he kept doing it anyways. Then Wednesday, I found out he’s been sleeping with his first BM and giving her money. Well…he wasn’t totally outright with it. I asked him point blank and he said, “why.” I said, “because i need to know. This is killing me.” He replied, “I don’t want to talk about it. I just hurt you.” I asked him if that’s where all his money is going and he said, “Well I mean…she can’t work…who would watch the kids.” Like, he doesn’t care that I’m still working at 38 weeks pregnant???? Then said, “I don’t know why you want to talk about this. I don’t understand.” So I asked him “okay if I was standing right there watching you, would the things you’re doing with her make me upset or sad?” He said, “Yeah. Probably. You’re not stupid.” Then he also admitted to me that he lied to her and told her he doesn’t even talk to me anymore and has been hiding MY calls from HER. This woman also said horrible things about our baby that I found out about on Facebook, and that this woman wished my baby and myself “unalived.” I lost my mind and pressed him about how he could lay with someone who said those things about one of his kids. He just said, “I’m sorry.” In the heat of that moment, I blocked him. Now I’m struggling with if I made the right decision or not. I just don’t know how we got here from where we started. I thought we were the two most in love people on the planet. Everybody makes mistakes but this one felt unforgivable in my opinion. But now I know that I cut off my daughter’s father and as I’m about 2 weeks from birth, I’m starting to panic about what I did. I so wish he could have given me the closure of being forthright and honest and just said, “yeah I screwed around with her.” The ambiguity and confusion and admittance by omission is horrible to wrap my head around.