u/Own-Blueberry9734

almost every OCD therapist and patient says that OCD-specific recovery requires ERP. my main theme (or the one that hinders my life the most) is contamination. the only thing is, majority of my contaminations don’t come from believing i’ll get ill.

because most themes change tone over time based on various things, i have in fact had times when i thought i was being infected or infecting others, but now that that’s no longer an issue to me and my brain is over it, my OCD is ofc latching onto something new as a major issue …

lately, my brain keeps feeling as though there’s a film of dust or germs or whatever on my things (mainly door handles, light switches, my electronics, etc—for some reason it’s only ever my own spaces and not the public despite frequent examples/misconceptions lol), and it makes me feel so disgusting even though i know that nothing will spread. i’ve tried to dissect it and i think it’s partially because i convince myself -other people- can see it the same way my brain does and they’ll find me dirty. like, if my phone is slightly dusty or has finger prints and i wipe it on my top instead of sanitizing, i feel like people can see it or that i’m spreading dust everywhere, even though i’m not worried about getting ill by it or anything. i can never tell if my fears are genuine or not because it seems as though i can always convince myself that normal people do them too, which is true (like sanitizing your phone), but i can never perform them in moderation without panic in between.

i keep trying to perform ERP in the way it’s helped other fears of mine, but it doesn’t seem to be helping the same because there’s nothing to ‘prove’? i just keeping spiraling with the anxiety and having panic attacks.
for example, from 2023-2025, one of the biggest fears i had was touching door handles at my parents house because i convinced myself i would contract something for whatever reason—but i challenged myself one day in oct. and kept doing it, and nothing ever happening trained my brain that it was alright and i was safe. i can’t do that with my current fear because i’m not afraid of anything physically happening - i’m just uncomfortable.

how are non-provable compulsions fixed? how do i train my brain to know i’m safe if idk what i’m fearing so badly?

lately i’ve been trying to stop sanitizing because it’s a compulsion i’ve suffered with for years. i always convince myself it’s enough but then something will trigger me again and i’ll feel like all the door handles, switches, cords/my phone and laptop are infected with a film of dirt or tears or sweat or whatever i feel like is contaminating it that moment.
the guilt i feel when i don’t sanitize is tremendous; i’m very curated with my image/aesthetic and it always triggers me and makes me feel as though people can see/feel the film of dirt/etc on my door knobs. it just makes me feel so gross and contaminated.
it’s been so bad lately and has been making me suicidal because i’ve never sanitized as much as i have the last few days - it’s just over and over and over, and i always convince myself this will be the last time. then, to challenge myself, i’ve been only sanitizing my phone and nothing else, but then it feels uneven and i feel like people can ‘see’ the uneveness and i won’t look put together and my space will look gross. i can’t even explain in but i just feel like i’m spreading stuff.
i also feel extremely guilty because sometimes i’m more lenient with my parents’ house doorknobs and stuff because it’s not my space, but then i feel responsible for spreading the “film of whatever” to them and caring less/exposing them.

i don’t know what to do at this point and i just feel like i won’t feel satisfied until i perform all the compulsions again, just once more but perfect this time and make sure to do every single light switch/handle/etc so that nothing spreads or is uneven. i can’t decide what to do but i’m so fucking tired. i don’t wanna have to sanitize everything tonight and be meticulous and stressed for hours while doing so, but i also am so tired of feeling ruled by this.

the guilt is just too much and i feel actually sick from guilt and disgust right now.

i keep watching videos on tiktok of normal people sanitizing their knobs and phone to convince myself it’s normal and that i SHOULD keep doing it - i feel triggered because even normal people do that sometimes, so shouldn’t i? idk what to do and i’m panicking with guilt

that’s something i really need to remind myself sometimes, so i’m writing it here for anyone who needs it 🥲

something that gets mentioned a lot in response to anti-natalism is that mental or physical illness makes your experiences less valuable or worthy of consideration … a lot of people tend to have this mindset of sort of believing that because you struggle you no longer experience the world normally and therefore can’t speak for those that do (meaning you shouldn’t prevent their potential ‘good life experience’ from happening), but that isn’t true - however you experience things IS your normal, even if other people live with significantly less turmoil. it’s still happening to somebody.

you’re still valid & deserve to have a voice !!! no one deserves to be taught that they exist at the expense of people who are healthy/content/better off 🤍🤗

does anyone else have a complete lack of trust with themselves? it’s so weird/sad because my ocd peaked when i was around 16 and i’m now 20, so it’s very strange looking back at my younger years (like middle school to 15 years old) and feeling like i was more confident/older then; i feel like a child and it’s really degrading to my self esteem and trust with myself. i constantly feel like i’m doing day to day tasks wrong and will compulsively ask friends or family members for help (it’s especially bad with things like cooking, cleaning, chemicals/cross-contamination)… i try to build trust with myself by doing things without asking for reassurance but the worry doesn’t go away. an example of this might be me asking over and over to confirm steps in the process of making food or asking if certain chemicals are ok to go on certain items.

it’s stressing me out and i’m just at a point where i really really miss my life before my ocd got as bad as it is and i was so much more sure of myself. i miss my confidence and the freedom in just being able to do shit without worrying about contamination or illness. i didn’t used to THINK so much - i’m so jealous of people that aren’t constantly second guessing

i always have false memory after dreaming and it kind of goes hand in hand with contamination as a theme, especially if the dream/nightmare was sexual or uncomfortable or intrusive. it’s always worse when i’m stressed or sick (the nightmares), but i’m stressed and sick a lot so it’s hard.

anyway, i only have false memory for a few situations in my life from real life moments, but i frequently get nightmares or bad dreams where afterwards, unlike a normal person who can brush it off throughout the day, always convince myself it happened and i’ll get really anxious because of whatever happened, and feel physically exhausted due to to it too. how do i manage this?

i feel prettier, hornier, and i wanna die slightly less (my mood is UPPPPPPP)
ugh
being a woman is so confusing, wdym my mood is based on what point in my cycle i’m on 😭

this sounds insane to someone without ocd but i am seriously so proud like i could cry-
i was so tempted to get rid of things that i associated bad feelings towards but i’m keeping themmmmm 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 hopefully this shit doesn’t backfire and manifest something bad LOL, goodness

!!!!!! eeeeeeee

pretty much since the age of thirteen i feel like restricting is the only thing that gives me purpose. my eating disorder definitely stems from a few things (obviously wanting to stay skinny forever), but i 1000% believe that my anxiety/mental health is responsible; giving myself goals, even if they’re bad for me, always seems to make me wanna die a little less :/ it doesn’t even make sense because anorexia itself can kill you