u/babybratzdolI

i mean at some point you feel like okay, this friendship has run its course and you should let them go. cause the more they’re in your life the more uncomfortable it gets. that’s why i cut most my friends off since i didn’t feel we’re close anymore. some of them i just never felt comfortable next to, and i didn’t like them either. some of them didn’t reciprocate my feelings and effort i put into our friendship. the others were just so distant and one of them barely replied back when i said happy birthday to her and idk. maybe i make a big deal outta everything but it just didn’t feel right to keep them in my life as things were getting ugly. i feel like my behaviors are due to the fact that i am mentally struggling and i can’t even have a fixed image of myself, let alone of other people. so tell me i am not the only one who feels this way..

Like, lemme give you a quick summary of what’s going on. I’ve been in three relationships, and all of them were so random. I didn’t even like these guys; they didn’t have any qualities that would make me fall in love with them or even genuinely like them. Yet somehow, I chose these freaks as my partners, and they all ended up hurting and abusing me, while dismissing what they did.
The previous one was even worse than the rest. He made me do things I didn’t want to do, and he was abusive toward me both physically and emotionally.
I’m in a safe place now, and I’ve been to therapy. I’m also taking my meds to help me cope with distress and mood swings. So, idk, I still have regrets about the mistakes I made. I wish I had known the things I know now back then. Maybe then I would have stood up for myself and not let any of those things happen.
I’m not okay, tbh.

i mean if you have learned to cope with trauma and all that but due to your experience you don’t have a good image of your body and relationships.. is it possible you ever fully recover from that and be able to have sex again???

like i had a really bad experience because of that and i was always the only one who was oversharing and elaborating on things that happened in my personal life or in my relationships, i really feel a bit awkward when i am reminded i literally shared every single thing without actually knowing these people and most of them weren’t even my true friends so idk if i am ever able to open up to someone again or nah.

like i had a really bad experience because of that and i was always the only one who was oversharing and elaborating on things that happened in my personal life or in my relationships, i really feel a bit awkward when i am reminded i literally shared every single thing without actually knowing these people and most of them weren’t even my true friends so idk if i am ever able to open up to someone again or nah.

am i the only one who after surviving an abusive relationship kinda afraid of intimacy and getting close to opposite gender ? like i am terrified tf outta my mind of even thinking about that I could never be with someone or get close to cause i am emotionally unavailable and physically disgusted to do anything i feel like even if the sex is mutual or i do something i will always regret it no matter what…
and i am not sure why, like i even try to have a fantasy in my brain of myself having sex w someone.. it automatically gives off a negative feeling like i can’t even enjoy in my mind let alone to have this in reality, and i am not sure it’s only because of the sa or sth deeper :( help me

basically i was venting to my “close friends” and suddenly one of them lashes out at me to say i can’t get over SA that happened to me and it happens to everyone so i should not be talking about it or mention it all the time cause nothing would change and it would only hurt me, she was also saying that there are more important problems in life than this which i don’t freaking believe cause what i am going through and how i cope is obviously different from others and no one can tell me if what i am feeling is worth paying attention to or nah, i also know the root cause of the issue that happened to me was due to my lack of self love and identity so imma be working on that too, but i will never talk about my problems to anyone and genuinely i gave up on making friends and relationships as well.
i feel alone and left out i wish i could off myself tbh, i have no one in my life and only family, i will never trust anyone ever again.

it’s been 3-4 months that i am finally free from that abusive ex and he SA’d me and i realized that when i left, i am still going to therapy and striving to get to know myself more and knowing how come i let certain things happen and i know healing doesn’t happen overnight however sometimes the depth of my self hatred is too much to bear and i give up momentarily when hate waves keep coming back so please tell me if you have experienced something similar or what can i do when i am filled w rage against myself, thanks for reading <3

okay this idea may kinda sound dump and not always right but if you look at things w different perspective you would understand that some stuff are inevitable and they would happen eventually, but the thing is how you recover from it and how you let it make you a different person in a good way is truly game changing and amazing, because of what happened to me i suffered a lot i was always giving 100% of myself to people and everyone then it took me to a place i was left being abused and depressed so what happened to me in that toxic relationship was a wakeup call for me to improve my flaws and start loving myself for the very first time, i learned so much about myself, the things i never thought existed and i got to know myself because of what happened to me, it changed me, it truly changed me and i am grateful for that, but the pain is still there, and i am not trying to run away from it.
so basically if something happens it’s not your fault but it’s up to you how to heal and what to learn from it.
and i know it may not be something truly groundbreaking but based on my on experience i
felt like i should share this.

okay this idea may kinda sound dump and not always right but if you look at things w different perspective you would understand that some stuff are inevitable and they would happen eventually, but the thing is how you recover from it and how you let it make you a different person in a good way is truly game changing and amazing, because of what happened to me i suffered a lot i was always giving 100% of myself to people and everyone then it took me to a place i was left being abused and depressed so what happened to me in that toxic relationship was a wakeup call for me to improve my flaws and start loving myself for the very first time, i learned so much about myself, the things i never thought existed and i got to know myself because of what happened to me, it changed me, it truly changed me and i am grateful for that, but the pain is still there, and i am not trying to run away from it.
so basically if something happens it’s not your fault but it’s up to you how to heal and what to learn from it.
and i know it may not be something truly groundbreaking but based on my on experience i
felt like i should share this.

ever since i broke up w you and left you for good i haven’t been really doing good, i was suffering and sobbing all the time cause when i left i just realized what you did put me through and it made me feel even worse, you did so many horrible things to me and i did not deserve that even if i made a mistake you still couldn’t forgive me you should’ve left instead of staying and break me to pieces, i was so hurt that i would wish death upon you or cursing you when it all ended with me being abused, hurt and manipulated.. i don’t know if there’s any karma but i hope you get what you gave! but thanks to you mf i was able to become stronger version of myself and i am taking my time to heal .. but i know for a fact you’ll be the same loser who hurt me and that’s a win i guess.

am i the only one who is always beating myself up over past choices i made cause i entered 3 relationships and i didn’t love any of these guys i dated i just wanted to feel loved and less alone, i wanted to be like other ppl and having a partner without knowing things doesn’t work that way, i didn’t have any experience or knowledge over how i should make sure if someone is a good match or how to identify red flags.. also i didn’t love myself and i was a ppl pleaser i would do anything for these mf to love me especially the last loser i dated.. and these 3 relationships happened over few years and till this day i regret everything i did, i wish i didn’t put myself through so much abuse and didn’t lower my standards.. but i didn’t even have any standards you know.. i feel bad for the little girl inside me that went through all this, but i can’t blame myself, i can only learn and move on but sometimes i have flashbacks of those times and it kinda saddens me.
i guess it’s the price you pay for not loving yourself:)
cuz i was traumatized and abused when i left the last loser… and i still suffer from it sometimes…