u/butwhywouldyou-

I love the band my chemical romance ( if you couldn't already tell from my pfp and bio and everything else)

But it's not just love, it's an actual hyperfixation. And it gets so bad I become nauseous and dizzy and sweaty and breathless. Obviously I'm not going to cut them out of my life because they're such an integral part of me and they helped me discover myself. I do have to frequently take breaks from their material or fan base though, because it gets really bad

And this is nothing new for me, but I think lately it's been getting worse, because I've been getting genuinely so distressed meeting other people who like the band and actually know more of their music beyond just the most popular tracks.. it feels like my identity is being stolen? I know it's a very popular band and they don't belong to me. Mcr is not my property, but it's so special to me.. like, it's my thing, y'know?

I know all the lore, all the songs, the most obscure facts, anything and everything concerning this band. And it gets worse because they're performing here in November this year, and I couldn't even get tickets. And I'm broke, and my parents are crazy about second hand online transactions so getting a reseller ticket is out of the question. Whenever I see someone gushing about going to the show I get so unbelievably upset, like my heart is being ripped apart. And I tell myself I'm over it and don't care, but when I think I'm okay, I suddenly get reminded all over again and it tears me up inside.

I feel like a fake fan? Not worthy enough or not hyperfixated enough. Again I know they're super popular so obviously in a sea of autistic fans with an mcr hyperfixation, there's bound to be someone with knowledge more extensive than my own. Still... I feel so jealous and upset

It should have been me. I should be at their concert. Me. Who knows all their songs, including the ones literally shoved away in nooks and crannies, who knows the most niche facts. Like an Alexandria library of just mcr knowledge. I feel my heart inflating like a balloon when I'm engaging with anything mcr.

I keep thinking that if someone else likes mcr, then nothing defines me anymore. If I'm not "the MCR girl", who am I? ( Yes people have referred to me that way and I love it)

It's been getting so bad that I've been feeling hollow, alongside other reasons, and have done things to myself or had thoughts I'm not happy about

What the fuck is wrong with me oh my Gerard I'm a horrible fucking person

Using the help/ serious tag because I just really need to vent or get help on how to stop feeling so worthless over this thing

I have a keloid on my shoulder from a nasty fall when I was 8. I bruised my knees and arms too, but those scars didn't become keloids

My I'm concerned because I got my cartilage piercings 5 months ago and recently noticed something like a keloid. could be a keloid, but treating it like an infection first and oh my god I'm so worried 😭 I really want tattoos someday 😭

I love piercings and tattoos so much and I really hope I can get tattoos someday, but I've recently noticed a bump near my cartilage piercing.. and I already have a keloid on my shoulder from when I had a nasty injury at 8 years old 😭

I went to the doctor last week and she said to treat it like an infection first. So I took antibiotics for 5 days, and I've been applying an ointment 3 times every day

Then I went to another doctor for a second opinion and he removed my stud and found some dried up puss. I also told him that my bump had decreased in size since last week, but I'm honestly not that confident it's an infection anymore 😭

I'm so sad because now I feel like there's no way I can enjoy any more piercings or tattoos 😭 I just wanted to vent

Y'know that door in the forest caverns? When you help the hair tousle teen? I've never known how to get past that damn door 😭 how do you do it 😭

I'm a broke bitch, but if I won the lottery today you'd probably notice a danger days boxset AND Prom Knight jacket in my room

The danger days watch by Tokyo Flash is also so cool I don't wear watches but I'd get it so fast if I could

Jokes I'm pretty sure in a world of some 8 billion people, there's bound to be people who understand this. Sorry if it's silly or whatever :/

I have an extreme hyperfixation on the rock band My Chemical Romance. I love everything about them, spend ( or, spent) hours reading and doing my own deep dives, I desperately want to see them in concert but unfortunately they sold out so fast I could never get them, and even if someone would buy or sell me them, I don't have the means to pay so there's that!

Anyway that was just some context, the real meat of this post is here: I sometimes get so hyper around my interests, especially mcr, that I end up avoiding them completely. Mcr makes me so excited and breathless and giddy and nauseous with love that I have to be picky with when I interact with their music or the fandom. I'm actually listening to three cheers for sweet revenge, for the first time in a while right as I type this

This is so stupid, but my avoidance makes me feel like such an impostor in the community; like I'm a fake fan 😭

But this band is the whole world to me. Really everything. They were there for me when I needed it the most, and quite literally saved my life. Everyone I've ever met just knows me as "the MCR girl", and DARE I SAY, I'm their biggest fan at least in my country. Like if there were an mcr Olympics or something here, I'd win so quick

But I don't know, I can't even bear to read a short post on them, because it gets me all hyper and makes it harder to breathe, and then I get stuck in this loop of thinking I'm so fake and not actually a fan 😭😭😭

Yea that's about it. In June I decided that I wanted to commit to farming for 6000 candles, and I'm at 801, and so happy about it... But also I've been waiting for the spinning Mentor and now she's coming back but I'm so deep into my CRs and getting richer that I suddenly don't want to spend, BUT I DO WANT TO SPEND!! 😭😭😭 I want that cape but I also don't and I'm serious about hitting my goal so I'm thinking be strategic and only buy capes for outfits I'm sure I'll make and like

💀💀💀

So far, I'm really enjoying my course. It wasn't exactly my first option, but it's super close to what I wanted and I find my work very meaningful. I wouldn't have it any other way

But I can't ignore the social issues that have come with joining a polytechnic. I knew this would happen as I've never exactly been a social butterfly, but somehow I guess I didn't expect it to be this bad. I also feel the need to mention I'm on level 1 of the autism spectrum, and have ADHD. I'm on a totally different playing field when it comes to my brain make-up and how I perceive this world, and I have to say this because I feel it's a really big part of why I'm so socially isolated.

It's been 4 months and I'm still mostly alone. A classmate started texting me a few weeks ago and she's very sweet; I appreciate her willingly asking to sit next to me, texting me, running up to me to chat on the way to the front gate. It really makes my day. But I'm not really attached to any groups so I'm still essentially alone. My course doesn't require me to attend on site lessons that much, so thankfully I don't have to face my classmates everyday and remember what a loner I am, but group work is a different beast...

Only one project for the fundamental modules seems to be going well, and I find we're able to communicate smoothly and compromise which I'm happy about. But I'm really struggling with one of the core modules. I had a particular outcome I'd envisioned when this project had begun, and I understand that I need to welcome new perspectives, which I really don't have a problem with.

My problem is when my groupmates don't seem to even know the most basic terminology in child observation. When I try to gently correct them and show them our lecture slides, they brush me off. Our background information and context are still all wrong

My problem is when our inferences are barely scraping the surface, and I really try to help but to no avail. My problem is when my groupmates use a developmental FRAMEWORK as an adjective to describe a child. This is not a label, it's an abstract concept to help YOU, the educator, better cater to the needs of the different children under your care. You've probably guessed which course I'm from by now. I keep trying to explain and explain, as softly and calmly as possible. I try to use humour to diffuse any tension, I try to hear others out, I try to understand. Why do I try. You won't take me seriously.

My ex therapist told me I had a victim complex, and perhaps this is my victim complex coming out, but I really don't want to walk into everything with an "oh woe is me!" attitude. Still, what else can I really do anymore? I try to help, no one listens. I don't help, suddenly all our work is wrong ( said by our tutor who reviewed our consolidation slides today). The one time I give up and never step in, it's completely off, but you still just don't want to entertain anything I say?

I was also told by a group member that it was disrespectful of me to delete somebody else's work without first consulting them about why I thought it was wrong. I'm not used to things working that way, which is why I went ahead and deleted, but I was willing to accept that maybe some people really don't like it and at least want to know if you're going to remove or alter something they worked on. So I was willing to admit fault and it's okay

But today I looked at our inference summary, and an entire paragraph I'd written was just... Gone. I was never once told of this??? Why do your rules only apply to me? Why?? And you didn't reply to my texts when I explained why something we were doing was wrong. I get you don't like my attitude, and I don't like you all that much either, but I still want to communicate for this project. Why do you ghost me?

I'm tired and I don't care what becomes of my gpa

I suppose my other classmates probably don't like me much either. Maybe it's all in my head but I feel a burden.

Just 2 weeks ago we had some roleplay activity for us to practice respectful communication. One of the scenarios was something like : John said something controversial during a class discussion..the teacher told him to be respectful, but this made him feel his opinion would have him antagonized and he shouldn't share anymore. How could they have communicated better?

So a classmate asked our teacher for more context as to what controversial thing he said, and she quoted Amos Yee and said "pedophilia is just another kind of love" ( HYPOTHETICALLY)

I was to roleplay the teacher and communicate respectfully. But like.. I kept trying to explain "pedophilia is not love, it is a mental illness that has become demonized and stigmatized. People who struggle with these thoughts are human beings deserving of help, but that doesn't make them safe to be around children, and pedophilia is not "another kind of love ". This is objectively true."

When I explained, I was in fact, roleplaying and saying what I found an appropriate response for an educator. I work with young children and I have an instinct to protect them. As a child of abuse and sexual assault myself, one of my biggest fears is my children ending up in the care of the wrong people, feeling unsafe. I cannot begin to fathom the justification of predatory behavior.

But my group kept sighing and asking me to "get in character". I said I was in character and acting as if I were the teacher. They said I had to be more understanding and respectful. But genuinely how can you "respect " someone who tries to justify predatory feelings? I believe you can respectfully tell someone they are wrong. I believe respect does not always have to mean agreement and compliance. But my groupmates didn't like it and kept asking me to roleplay properly.

Then one of them fake cried and the other pitifully patted her on the back . I felt like such a burden and like I was overcomplicating things for everyone around me. It was a nasty feeling

I just don't get it. I really don't. If I'm the problem I will accept it, but right now I really feel very lost and like no one cares to understand me except that one person in class. I wonder what my problem is y'know

Edit to add: I didn't make this post to demonize or bash anybody, and I think we're all just trying our best. I also want to try my best. This post is for me to let off steam and maybe gain some insight as to why I'm struggling and what I could do on my part to work more professionally. Any advice is appreciated

And how many candles did you gain after you finally pressed the candle icon?

Asking because I'm thinking of trying this but I need to know it'll be worth it 💀

I admit I wasn't expecting much, but I was pleasantly surprised when I went through the first quest.

I like the gameplay style this time round. Well, gameplay style for lack of a better word. Reminds me of Moominvalley where you can explore as a butterfly. I think it was so awesome literally entering Mr. Van Gogh's sketchbook. I don't think anything could have prepared me for that. It was so beautiful. The shading, the texture, all of it. Looked just like a real sketch coming to life; I wonder how long this must have taken TGC to make! I know nothing about game development so I'm curious.

I also have to say I appreciate how they portrayed Van Gogh. I think most of us mainly know him for Starry Night, and for being "the mentally unstable man who cut his own ear off". To be honest my own knowledge of this man was very scant, and limited up until this season. I like that he isn't just portrayed as a mentally struggling man, but as a real person who had hopes, dreams, passion, and family who loved him and had his back DESPITE his inner anguish. I finally know more about him, and he feels more human to me now. I don't think anyone deserves to be watered down to the tragic life they lived or how they died. Everyone has a story to tell that we may or may not have seen yet, and thus far I enjoy how Mr. Van Gogh's story is being told.

I haven't started with the other quests, so I'm still keeping my mind open, I wanna see how they portray his state of mind that led to the tragedy of him self mutilating. I do know that TGC is using crows to represent depression; I like the symbolism. I'm excited!

Side note: I do see some people upset about the cosmetic prices, and given TGC's history of not exactly being budget friendly or considerate of its users, I find it hard to blame these people.

But also, I was mainly upset at first because I thought this season was going to be a lazy cash grab, but now I think it's a genuine effort to appreciate Van Gogh and bring attention to the life he lived. Again, I don't know how much money you need to fund a game or whatever the word is, but TGC also is human run and those people do have to fill their pockets. The detail of this season is crazy, I can't imagine how much time must have gone into it. I think we can cut tgc some slack this time, but of course, you're entitled to your own opinion :3 <3

Logged on today after updating my game for Dear Van Gogh, and all looks fine... Except the daily quest spirits aren't chilling at grandma's bakery!! I can't find them. I'm guessing it's a bug but yea is it or did they move somewhere else?

THERE IS NOTHING THAT SETS IT APART FROM ANY OF THE OTHER REALMS????

They literally drained my forest of all its charm. The gloomy atmosphere was such a breath of fresh air especially after exploring daylight prairie. Now it's just bleh. What the fuck tgc??? All for one person, jenova? I hope you're fucking happy.

There was this kids' show I remember loving, where there were these blue furry creatures??? A mum, a dad and their son. The son had a .. pinkish red? friend?

I think there was a supermarket episode and a sleepover episode or something? 2D animation I can't remember what this was called to save my life help me out please 💀

Thank you

I love my course so much and everyday feels so fun and fulfilling thus far, but oh my Gerard I LOATHE these fundamental modules dude I feel so directionless I DON'T CARE!!! ABOUT SUSTAINABILITY!!! I AM TIIIIIREDDDD OF FOOD SECURITY!!!!

My group hasn't even gotten past our problem statement and I think that's also making research harder for us 😭😭😭😭 I don't like this module 😭😭😭 I even failed the very first individual assignment but I am hellbent on passing this because I desperately want to avoid retaking 💀

Please... Make it stop 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Like usually you can begin quests by finding the guide spirits right? Eg season of abyss, season of enchantment, season of remembrance

How do you begin the belonging quests though?

Before getting into this proper, I want to admit that I'm far from perfect or even decent. I can be rude, snappy, and short tempered. And it gets better or worse depending on my mood and whether my depression is flaring up again. I think I'm naturally like this but my mood definitely contributes, and lately I've been more and more irritable according to others and myself. And it's not an excuse, and I hope I can get better at being assertive while being respectful

I'm really reaching my wit's end here. I'm in ecde and part of a group project for an anecdotal record for child observation. To be honest I don't really understand. Like I get how those records work, but it's kinda confusing to me how to write valid inferences especially when we're working with multiple different instances and focusing on almost all developmental domains

But now it gets worse. I think I'm about to cry and I don't know whose fault it is or whether it is anyone's fault to begin with. I'm not sure if my groupmates understand the work... They have been nice to me, and I don't want to personally insult or criticize them but I'm so scared that by staying quiet I'm jeopardizing the group and sacrificing a good grade

I noticed they don't seem to remember the difference between background information and context in child observation. I pointed it out in our group chat and showed them the definition from our lecture, and was told to focus on our inference first; okay, fair. We could target the bulk of the work first, I understand.

I feel bad, I deleted what my groupmate wrote without asking. I'm so used to my groups working like that I somehow didn't realize how disrespectful it was. Moving forward I want to at least ask and check in with my team before altering anything or deleting anything. Our group leader called me to say I shouldn't have, and I need to level with them, they're right. Point taken. I did something bitchy I should be called out.

I'm really trying to put some effort forth. My peers seem like hardworking and motivated individuals compared to me, with my tendency to procrastinate. But my strong suit is attention to detail and specifics. I try to be very particular and specific in all of my work. What's scaring me is that right now when I read my group's inferences, it sounds like these interpretations are not so much "making meaning based off of an objective observation" , but rather "rephrase the observation". I also dreadfully brought it up in the group chat but I feel like such an overbearing, pedantic little jerk. I'm really trying to be as objective and respectful as possible, but it's so hard for me to do it without sounding like I think I'm better and smarter than everyone else.

And to tell the truth, I'm excruciatingly self aware. Like I can nitpick and explain all my little flaws and bad qualities... And I just know that I have a crippling superiority complex. I don't tell people, I don't want them to know. But it's so hard watching these guys put out work that doesn't feel specific, that feels half-hearted. I've been pausing a lot while working, and I've been hesitant to contribute, but I promise, I'm genuinely trying to do my best. I just don't want to rush things especially when we have over 2 weeks before submission. I told my group leader I'd get my part started in the evening, but was asked if I could possibly start earlier, so I decided I would, to avoid conflict. But I don't know... Seeing the quality of work just... Took away some of my motivation

Why pull my weight when it won't matter in the long run?

I think I'm being really self centered and rude right now. I think my groupmates rightfully don't really want to reply to my texts in the group chat, but I don't know what else to do. I'm at a loss. I also don't have the soft skills to be assertive while being respectful. My mental health is in shambles and my mood is going on a downwards spiral

Any advice? Anything at all ...?

Seriously..this is the last fucking straw. I'm in my sustainability module right now. ABOUT HELPING THE FUCKING ENVIRONMENT!!!!!! AND WE'RE BEING ASKED TO USE AI. I'm so disheartened and upset I refuse to participate. Even my other modules encourage AI usage, and get us to generate things for activities that can be completed without AI. Like just the other week we had to generate a children's toy that promotes cognitive development. WHY???? YOU CAN GET SO MANY GOOD RESOURCES ONLINE OR THROUGH MONTESSORI WEBSITES!!! WHY???

And my country is super pro AI so I'm afraid I'll have to chop my wings off and go down with everyone else and risk being unemployed. Not that I plan to live here much longer, but I know it's not that simple and I may have to work here a while before moving away

I fucking hate how AI has been integrated into education because it's like our own teachers are encouraging us to stop thinking for ourselves. I hate how "AI art" competitions are a real thing

It feels so fucking dystopian. Make it stop.