u/cebolaaroxa

For context, Im 21 years old and autistic. The problem is that my mother wants to have 100% control over my choices. I know I have my limitations, but it’s reaching an unbearable level. I’m not allowed to go anywhere by myself without being given a huge questionnaire so she can decid whether I should go or not, which often makes me give up on going out The few times Ive managed to go out without getting a lecture, Ive had to use an app that tracks my location. I think this contributes to me having a lot of difficulty communicating and practically no friends.

Whenever I say something, I feel like she just listens and responds automatically, and then continues doing everything the way she wants without actually taking anything I said into consideration. She also says that I dont need to work, so I shuld basically stay at home all the time. I know this might sound like a privileged problem because I have someone who takes care of me and worries about me, but it still bothers me a lot, and I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like Im always doing something wrong because it seems like her way of doing things is always considered better than mine.

Just to give an example, this week it was election day in my country. I said I was going to vote by myself because the place is close to home, and she agreed. But then, out of nowhere, she showed up at the place because I was taking too long. I dont even know how she found out where I was. She brought me water and asked if I wanted to sit down or eat something.I know it’s nice to have someone who cares about me and wants to take care of me. I just start to feel like an object that needs to be monitored and can break at any time, in the day I told her it was very strange and she treated me like i was going make a mistake always, like im a idiot

Bom...minha família diz que sou estranha, e algumas pessoas já chegaram a me dizer que sou fria.

No geral, tenho consciência de que não consigo agir como as outras pessoas. Milhares de vezes já me disseram que meus olhos são estranhos. Lembro de uma situação específica em que uma professora da faculdade olhou para mim e arregalou os olhos, fazendo um gesto com o dedo. Naquele momento, eu nem raciocinei sobre o que estava acontecendo, mas depois cheguei à conclusão de que provavelmente estava encarando ela por tempo demais. Isso ficou na minha cabeça. Será que uma pessoa normal olharia para alguém durante tanto tempo? Eu também costumo mudar constantemente o lugar para onde estou olhando.

Em casa não é muito diferente. Por algum motivo que não consigo descrever bem, eu sorrio muito. Meu irmão sempre diz que estou fazendo um “sorriso de louco”. Para mim, isso é inconsciente e não chega a me incomodar, mas às vezes me pego olhando no espelho e treinando sorrisos de propósito, tentando me encaixar melhor.

Não sei lidar muito bem com sentimentos. Se alguém próximo começa a chorar do meu lado, sinto como se estivesse com uma pedra no sapato. Não sei como reagir e, sinceramente, nem sinto vontade de reagir, mas, ao mesmo tempo, sinto que deveria fazer alguma coisa para não prejudicar meu convívio com aquela pessoa.

Vou ser sincera: a última coisa em que penso é no que a pessoa está sentindo. Sei que isso é socialmente errado porque já me disseram isso, mas, quando minha mãe parece triste, por exemplo, eu tento não piorar a situação para continuar tendo acesso ao que ela pode me oferecer. Não quero que nada de ruim aconteça com ela, mas acho que, se acontecesse, eu não conseguiria me importar da maneira que as outras pessoas parecem se importar.

Recentemente, uma tia minha faleceu. Todos estavam chorando, então eu também chorei. Mas, no fundo, eu sentia como se estivesse faltando alguma coisa. Era como se meu corpo fosse capaz de reagir, mas meu cérebro não acompanhasse aquela reação.

Esse sentimento de vazio parece existir em praticamente todas as situações. É como se faltasse alguma coisa e, quando estou em um círculo de pessoas, eu sentisse que não consigo me encaixar. Por mais que eu diga isso, ainda sinto algumas coisas, mas acho que sinto de uma forma incomum. Um exemplo bom é quando me masturbo: chega a ser frustrante, porque sempre parece faltar algo, não importa o quão bem o meu corpo se sinta.

Às vezes surgem pensamentos relacionados aos meus próprios benefícios. No caso da morte da minha tia, enquanto meu corpo parecia realmente estar sentindo tristeza, meu cérebro ficava pensando: “Quem vai ficar com o dinheiro dela? Será que eu consigo uma parte?”. Eu sei que esse tipo de pensamento parece estranho, principalmente naquele contexto, mas ele simplesmente apareceu.

Não sei explicar direito. É como se faltasse uma peça em mim.

Também acontece algo estranho com a dor. Quando sinto uma dor muito forte na barriga, às vezes eu avanço naquilo que está causando a dor. De certa forma, acho interessante sentir a dor, em vez de simplesmente tentar fazer com que ela pare.

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My family says I’m strange, and some people have already told me that I’m cold.

In general, I’m aware that I can’t seem to behave like other people. I’ve been told thousands of times that my eyes are strange. I remember one specific situation where a professor at college looked at me and widened her eyes while making a gesture with her finger. At the time, I didn’t even process what was happening, but afterward I came to the conclusion that I was probably staring at her for too long. That stayed in my head. Would a normal person look at someone for that long? I also tend to constantly change where I’m looking.

Things aren’t much different at home. For some reason I can’t really describe, I smile a lot. My brother always tells me that I’m making a “crazy smile.” To me, it’s unconscious and it doesn’t really bother me, but sometimes I catch myself looking in the mirror and practicing smiles on purpose, trying to fit in better.

I don’t know how to deal with feelings very well. If someone close to me starts crying next to me, I feel as if I have a stone in my shoe. I don’t know how to react and, honestly, I don’t even feel like reacting, but at the same time, I feel that I should do something so that it doesn’t negatively affect my relationship with that person.

I’ll be honest: the last thing I think about is what the other person is feeling. I know this is socially wrong because I’ve been told that, but when my mother seems sad, for example, I try not to make the situation worse so that I can continue having access to what she can provide for me. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her, but I think that if something did happen, I wouldn’t be able to care in the way other people seem to.

Recently, one of my aunts died. Everyone was crying, so I cried too. But deep down, I felt as if something was missing. It was as if my body was capable of reacting, but my brain wasn’t keeping up with that reaction.

This feeling of emptiness seems to exist in practically every situation. It feels as if something is missing, and when I’m in a group of people, I feel like I can’t fit in. Even though I say that, I still feel things, but I think I experience them in an unusual way. A good example is when I masturbate. It can be frustrating because it always seems like something is missing, no matter how good my body feels.

Sometimes thoughts related to my own benefits come up. In the case of my aunt’s death, while my body seemed to genuinely be feeling sadness, my brain was thinking, “Who is going to get her money? Could I get a share?” I know that kind of thought sounds strange, especially in that context, but it simply appeared.

I don’t really know how to explain it. It feels as if there’s a piece of me missing.

Something strange also happens with pain. When I feel very strong stomach pain, sometimes I lean into whatever is causing the pain. In a way, I find it interesting to feel the pain instead of simply trying to make it stop.

I'm aware that there's something wrong with me, and I don't know how to fix it. I feel a deep emptiness. When I think about emotions, I feel like I can't really describe them, but it seems like something is wrong, like something is missing. It feels like I don't experience emotions the way other people do. Sometimes I even find myself thinking, "Is that all there is?"

Sometimes I catch myself thinking about religion. My whole family is very religious and Catholic, but I think I lean more toward agnosticism. Lately, this has been causing me some kind of distress. It feels like this emptiness is getting bigger and bigger.

I used to believe that I should do good in order to go to heaven, but now that I doubt heaven even exists, I don't see a reason to do good. Why shouldn't I just do whatever I want? I know there are laws and that I could go to prison, but even then, that doesn't stop bad people from doing terrible things and getting away with it.

When I say "do bad things," I'm referring to listening to my intrusive thoughts. Why shouldn't I just shove rocks into the mouth of someone who never stops talking?

I'm not saying that I don't feel anything. I feel fear, anxiety, and guilt. I just don't know if that's enough to stop me from doing something terrible. It feels like something is missing I don't know what to do.

Tenho noção de que há algo de errado comigo e não sei como consertar. Sinto um grande vazio. Quando penso em emoções, sinto que não sei dizer ao certo, mas parece que tem algo errado, algo que falta. Parece que não sinto como as outras pessoas, até mesmo um sentimento de "é só isso?". Às vezes me pego pensando em religiões. Toda a minha família é bem religiosa, voltada para o catolicismo, mas acho que me inclino mais para o lado agnóstico. Esses dias isso tem me dado algum tipo de angústia; parece que esse vazio está cada vez maior. Antigamente eu entendia que deveria fazer o bem para ir para o céu, mas agora que duvido da existência do céu, não vejo motivos para fazer o bem. Por que simplesmente não faço o que eu quiser? Sei que existem regras da sociedade e que posso ser presa, mas, ainda assim, isso não impede pessoas ruins de fazerem o mal e se safarem. Quando eu digo fazer o mal, me refiro a escutar meus pensamentos intrusivos. Por que eu simplesmente não deveria cortar a língua de uma pessoa que nunca se cala? Quero gritar sem razão, quero ser superior e temido.

Não estou dizendo que não sinto nada. Sinto medo, angústia e culpa. Só não sei se isso é o suficiente para me impedir de fazer algo ruim. Parece que falta algo.

Eu gostaria de ser inteira. Não sei o que fazer

I'm aware that there's something wrong with me, and I don't know how to fix it. I feel a deep emptiness. When I think about emotions, I feel like I can't really describe them, but it seems like something is wrong, like something is missing. It feels like I don't experience emotions the way other people do. Sometimes I even find myself thinking, "Is that all there is?"

Sometimes I catch myself thinking about religion. My whole family is very religious and Catholic, but I think I lean more toward agnosticism. Lately, this has been causing me some kind of distress. It feels like this emptiness is getting bigger and bigger.

I used to believe that I should do good in order to go to heaven, but now that I doubt heaven even exists, I don't see a reason to do good. Why shouldn't I just do whatever I want? I know there are laws and that I could go to prison, but even then, that doesn't stop bad people from doing terrible things and getting away with it.

When I say "do bad things," I'm referring to listening to my intrusive thoughts. Why shouldn't I just cut the tongue of someone who never stops talking?

I'm not saying that I don't feel anything. I feel fear, anxiety, and guilt. I just don't know if that's enough to stop me from doing something terrible. It feels like something is missing I don't know what to do.