i love the brightline, not service wise but machinery wise. i applied for a serving job onboard around a month ago but cant get in contact with anyone in the company. does anyone have any info?
i recently moved into a room with a male landlord and when i did not reciprocate his advances he began setting odd boundaries and expecting me to tell him where i am at all times. need out asap.
23 year old girl who is involved in treatment center work. i work on call at a center and have another opportunity on the way for the weekends. i do not drink, smoke, have not placed a substance in my body for two years. no one would be coming over. i am very respectful and never ever want to get in anyones way. you set a boundary ill follow. i have my own goal set im working on in regards to schooling and as long as i have a roof over my head to do that im fine. i am often out of the house as i do not like staying inside and am very involved in community work.
my budget is 1k and i have a small kitten id like to take with me. looking to stay near delray.
thank you for any leads or information you may grant me.
i recently moved into a room with a male landlord and when i did not reciprocate his advances he began setting odd boundaries and expecting me to tell him where i am at all times. need out asap.
23 year old girl who is involved in treatment center work. i work on call at a center and have another opportunity on the way for the weekends. i do not drink, smoke, have not placed a substance in my body for two years. no one would be coming over. i am very respectful and never ever want to get in anyones way. you set a boundary ill follow. i have my own goal set im working on in regards to schooling and as long as i have a roof over my head to do that im fine. i am often out of the house as i do not like staying inside and am very involved in community work.
my budget is 1k and i have a small kitten id like to take with me. looking to stay near delray.
thank you for any leads or information you may grant me.
since i left rehab at a year sober ive always found myself caught in some situation. 2 years soon.
i decided to start a relationship with a very insecure man in the program who constricted me and my ambitions. he became very push pull when he was not able to control me. threats to housing, threats to life, uncertainty and cruel words were his normal reactions, and i developed the mindset that he was right i made him act this way. he convinced me i was horrible and all of this therapy speak. when i told him something about myself he decided it was too much and threw me out as though we hadnt built a relationship for the last 8 months. he told me he couldnt wait for karma to get me. i genuinely loved and continue to love him but finally understand it must be done from a distance.
the scramble for housing was chaotic and i ended up in a room with a 60yo disabled male landlord. he had his own honeymoon phase with me of sorts, and began to scrutinize my behavior when i began spending more time out of the house, including my cat and i mean im really not sure, my schedule i guess, whether i slept in the house that night or not. i have paid my rent on time. he had made a very disgusting sexual joke at me thats made me want to sleep elsewhere and ive been crashing at other peoples houses and such. this morning he tells me hes done with me and i let my mother know and he decides to call him. she completely sided with him and has told me she will not help me with finances any further.
early this month i lose my job after i told the AA guy who hired me that i wasnt looking to hook him up with any of my friends in the rooms. ive somewhat secured a position and am waiting for server work to come in season again.
again with the scrambling. i genuinely felt more stability in use. im losing everything. the common denominator is me and i am afraid this has something to do with my character. i am afraid this is my karma. i look at it all as a challenge but am afraid to slip into the mindset that something is telling me to give up.
i recently moved into a room with a male landlord and when i did not reciprocate his advances he began setting odd boundaries and expecting me to tell him where i am at all times. need out asap.
23 year old girl who is involved in treatment center work. i work on call at a center and have another opportunity on the way for the weekends. i do not drink, smoke, have not placed a substance in my body for two years. no one would be coming over. i am very respectful and never ever want to get in anyones way. you set a boundary ill follow. i have my own goal set im working on in regards to schooling and as long as i have a roof over my head to do that im fine. i am often out of the house as i do not like staying inside and am very involved in community work.
my budget is 1k and i have a small kitten id like to take with me. litterbox can be kept in room.
thank you for any leads or information you may grant me.
i recently moved into a room with a male landlord and when i did not reciprocate his advances he began setting odd boundaries and expecting me to tell him where i am at all times. need out asap.
23 year old girl who is involved in treatment center work. i work on call at a center and have another opportunity on the way for the weekends. i do not drink, smoke, have not placed a substance in my body for two years. no one would be coming over. i am very respectful and never ever want to get in anyones way. you set a boundary ill follow. i have my own goal set im working on in regards to schooling and as long as i have a roof over my head to do that im fine. i am often out of the house as i do not like staying inside and am very involved in community work.
my budget is 1k and i have a small kitten id like to take with me.
thank you for any leads or information you may grant me.
it would be nice to understand what exactly is happening here. i spoke to our couples therapist today, he has completely cut her off, she has had conversations with him in the past and when i explained the rest of the story after the eviction she did not hesitate to tell me i was abused.
the thing is i used to play victim constantly to absolve myself from any responsibility in my teens, because of the lost time due to that period i am deathly afraid to ever consider myself an injured party. he is very adamant that i made him a monster. when i told him my supports pinpointed his control/insecurity, i was told i spun the story to my favor, so i am very afraid to leave details out. he came in hard, telling me he's never loved anyone like this from the start. that all of his exes were cheaters and evil. i was constantly told i was the perpetrator as there were many incidents that were deemed microcheating/disloyalty that made him justify acting out, breaking up with me 5 times a week, threatening the roof over my head. i go to recovery support groups and was always told i was looking for another man, and stopped. these instances included having a best friend who used to like me i had to drop, texting hearts to an influencer, texting others including men about housing when i was certain his housing threats were real. in one instance i explicitly lied about texting a mutual about a person i used to use with and get physical with, asking if he had ODed. there were so many others things that were heavily scrutinized, my language and any male names popping up on my phone, whether i was happy that day or not, etc. i would have to regulate him with s** as he wanted to feel "yearned for". if i didnt want s** daily he told me i didnt love him. very early on i began to believe him, that i do in fact "make" him talk to me this way, push/pull constantly, that i should cut anyone he was uncomfortable with off, that i was a narcissistic manipulative cheater, that i didnt behave correctly, that i had to atone. it is difficult for me to shake the feeling of immense guilt.
by month 5 i genuinely couldnt take it, i went no where to soothe his fears, cut everyone off that he has issue with, was broken up with 3 times a week. it was always about my lack of accountability but he needed reassurance daily and i could never do it right. i ended up leaving in feburary to create physical space. he had told me he meant everything during his splits and then begged me to leave for 3 days while i begged for him to stop. i couldnt convince him i wanted him. i couldnt take it. he of course spun it to tell himself he was abandoned, he filled up with rage, threatened to kill me, i left during our 2nd abortion and without a job. 2 months i begged to be seen and helped, begged him to understand why i left. i asked him for help and he refused, asking me instead to come over to be paid for s**. i couldnt understand how he could ask me to do something like that. in a final act of desperation, i did something non penetrative for bread which i regret deeply. knowing the reaction that would ensue i kept it hidden for 6 weeks after he allowed me back in. coming to him with my guilt only confirmed his narrative. i tried finding housing elsewhere for 4 weeks while he hung an eviction over my head, during that time the cycle kept being perpetuated. would ask me for s**, get warm and acknowledge his inhumaneness, i would speak about my feelings and he'd blow up and verbally attack me again. the last time i saw him he had yelled so hard i felt his spit on my face, after which he came into the room soft after 30 seconds, at that point i successfully fought the urge to hold the poor thing and told him to get away from me. i left in july, won the eviction case as he didnt show to court.
i saw his ex before me post from inside of his car. he told me he was "helping her out with a ride". i cant believe he could help someone he told me he despised before he asked me if i was alright. he bought a car and got 9 tattoos in the first week of the breakup. hes blowing all of his money on designer he then posts online. it both gives me the ick and makes me feel insane over him. it is evident to me that it was a lack of misunderstanding on both parts, where i hurt him unintentionally and he retaliated intentionally. i still believe if i convince him that he had played a part we could be together again. i never entertained the thought of another man or leaving him. i know he is hurting, i know he is coping, i know this perpetuates his narrative that he can never be loved and is destined to be alone, and i wanted to prove otherwise. i feel so bad for him. he has me thoroughly convinced that i ruined us and no one else will be capable of loving me or accepting me. i feel dazed and hopeless.
he reposts content about how in this world youre lucky if you have a girlfriend that hasnt been touched by anyone since youve met, bible verses about kindness, stuff about all women being ****, how he wants me to *, mixed with things about missing me and how sudden and beautiful it was to have met under the circumstances that we did. it all riddles me with grief about how i lost him to his mindset and algorithm. i genuinely thought coming to him with the truth would make it easier to forgive me.
i cant leave him alone, he festers in my mind and i think that if i just help him see his part in why i left, we could be together again. he has mindsets i used to carry, about being doomed to be alone, about everyone and everything being out to get him, i really wanted to show him he didnt have to be alone.
i understand completely how the final act hurt him. by his logic, where i triggered him into call me horrible names and push/pull me around constantly, certain circumstances aligned to where i believed what i did was my only option. i just need help understanding. i am so weak.
i need some help and connections. 23f, will have 2 years in september. In use i was doing what most girls were doing in use for their drug cash. got out of rehab a year ago, and since then i got myself wrapped up in being financially dependant on a boy in the program. we went on a break due to extreme push and pull behavior from his end and i left without a job. when i begged him for help he refused and i went back to non penetrative sw to pay my rent. after 2 months of death threats and lack of acknowledgement as to why i left in the first place he allowed me back in. i only told him about what i had done 6 weeks into our rekindling, knowing what reaction would ensue but feeling extremely guilty. he evicted me in june, and ive been on my own since the start of july.
he was very adamant that "karma would get me" and ive lost both my jobs since i left, which makes me extremely worried that he was right about me being the cause of the fall of the relationship. I have nothing to my name despite my time. My mother has spent her entire retirement on my treatment and i do not want to ask her for anything anymore. i am very scared but thankfully have friends who are connecting me to work. but most of them are men and i lost my last job when i told the guy i wouldnt hook him up with my program friends, no joke. i dont want to rely on anyone anymore.
i dont want to be given fish anymore, i dont want to rely on anyone providing me fish, i dont want fish knowing its never truly mine and can be ripped away at any second, i just want to learn to fish myself. Returning to what i was doing is on my mind constantly but the fact that ive already tried it out in sobriety and it left me a wreck is enough to stay away. But i am very scared that i am fated to pay rent through selling myself my entire life as this last man has told me. i am looking to speak to some women who have made it out of financial dependence and catch their own fish, can offer advice on how i can get to that point myself.
ive gone through life, addiction, recovery, decently naive. i thought i would be able to receive help from others without them expecting anything in return.
wrong.
men in the program were always offering help, rides, job, connections, and i was eager to receive it as someone who held and still holds essentially nothing to my name or time (2yr). it all falls apart. every opportunity i have received from a man in any 12 step program crumbled when their expectations of me were not met.
>ill help you with rides and such and offer connections and job opportunities but by the third ride ill be sticking money in your pocket and grazing my fingers across your arm. 10 years. my part was believing in free help.
>ill help you get out of believing you need to sell yourself to get by, but ill withdraw my help adn tell you to head to the nearest motel 6 whenever you make me feel insecure or unworthy, ill rip it away and youll be left with less than you started with. 1.5 years of sobriety and constant god talk. my part was not using the help to actually progress anywhere, i became cushioned.
>ill help you out with a job but as soon as you let me know this isnt getting me any sex or you wont hook me up with any of your 12 step friends ill withdraw my help despite my goal to help the next alcoholic. 3 years and heavily emphasizes service. my part was believing in free help.
>ill offer you connections and support but show my true intentions when i somehow try to convince you physical touch is very important to me and i touch all of my female friends like this. i told this kid if smoking crack was important to me would you smoke crack with me. 5 years. my part was believing in free help.
i am desperate to learn how to fish. i dont want fish from anyone. i dont want to have to touch someone for my fish. i want to procure my own fish so no one will ever be able to threaten taking what i thought was free fish away.
i just got out of a relationship with another alcoholic that has left me completely breathless, emotionally scarred, and vindictive. he makes a lot of money and is caught up in the designer fast car lifestyle and it completely sets my ego awry. he has told me prior i would never survive without selling myself. the pain is so severe i want to mold it into power.
i lost my job as mentioned in one of the examples above. ive been told this is a god moment and to finally look into treatment work. i reach out to many. i am in the palm beach area so it might not be too difficult to achieve.
i dont yearn for much. ive come to understand that nothing i procure is kept when i am gone, however any butterfly effect i may have on others will prevail for eternity. i just want to afford my rent and a car so badly. use that to hold down a job i find meaningful. i have this dream car this old piece of junk 1990s mercedes three box taped to my wall and i just keep writhing and yearning imagining riding around and being able to play my own music with the windows down.
2 years in. have done mostly NA. circumstances made me turn to AA for a faster approach. id like to channel the feelings that come with these steps sooner rather than later. id rather not risk using over something i could have reflected on in the steps.
issue is i put myself in a relationship a year into recovery and it completely fucked my synapses. addict/alcoholic, worked the steps apparently completed in 30 days, loves church and god. when i met him he was so honed in on making money that the program disappeared. when his defects presented themselves to me i asked him to consider a sponsor and meetings. he talked to another man for around a month, but was so afraid to look weak that he wouldnt tell him anything happening in the relationship. his excuse was also that if he let someone else know theyd tell him to leave, because apparently i was so horrible. this kid ended up becoming so fearful that id leave or cheat that he would threaten the roof over my head, break up with me every 4 days, told me to go back into prostitution, would use that as part of my past constantly against me, hurled horrible insults at me, closed me off from every support in the rooms, was paranoid that i would find someone else at meetings that i started weaning off heavily, and had me so thoroughly convinced that i "made him" do all of it. when i came to him and told him i wanted to use so badly over the emotions that came from his behavior he dismissed me. the relationship is over. he ended it after an instance of grey area sex work i did to survive rent payments during a period of time we werent together and he threatened my life and refused to help me.
isnt the most basic of teachings of any 12 step is that we are responsible for our own actions? that i didnt make him open his mouth and use his vocal cords to say such horrible things to me? that we are responsible for our own emotions? i found his fourth step on me earlier on and the only part of his he acknowledged was him loving too hard and trusting people too much.
does this mean when i do the 4th next week and write some bullshit my sponsor will completely cosign me? i absolutely understand what i have done but do not understand how it could make someone treat me this way. i have absolutely no sense of self respect so i am still caught up that this pain is all self-inflicted. i do not want to become like him and i am so upset and sad that he didnt recieve from the stepwork what i received in the first month of treatment. i see successful couples in the room constantly and wonder why he wasnt helped so we could be together. very upset, because i love him dearly and he has many self constructed narratives i have prevailed against and thought i could show him he can be loved and doesnt have to go through it alone as he is convinced of. i am so upset.
in 2024 i reached a low point in my life where i began selling myself to fund dr-g addiction. i began counting clean time 2 years ago and never blamed myself for it as i was in complete insanity and was under the guise that it was all i was worth and had no other means to make income. i justified it by doing it somewhat safely, testing people, never meeting up without a picture of ID, making sure someone always knew where i was. it was not enjoyable to me in the slightest, everything was play pretend for the sum of cash afterwards. the goal was my dr-g and rent.
when i got out of rehab i was very afraid as to how id make money and kept up an OF to rake in some passive income. i met a man who was also in recovery who seemed to accept my past, and told me he would pay my rent and help me get on my feet. the online work stopped when he answered the "what are we" question. when my past began to understandably come into my present due to me being so early into recovery, in the form of cashapp requests from clients trying to reconnect or mentions of it in passing (wanting to connect to another addict, i guess, who told me he had done sexual acts for his drugs as well), the acceptance fell apart. i was shamed and ridiculed and told to make my way to the nearest motel 6 anytime we'd fight. he became self loathing whenever i wouldnt want to have sex and would express envy for clients who i did anything for. he freaked out often about a prophesied event in the future where pictures or videos would apparently leak. i didnt know how to help him with things that did not happen.
he told me he wanted to be yearned for and touched. he "needed" sex daily or he wouldnt regulate. i often regulated him with blowjobs and such. he'd be kind again afterwards if i was lucky, or he'd bring up something he thought about during the act and we'd fight all over again.
it didnt stop at sex work, from the jump i was made suspect due to male friends. i was in a space where i did not interact with many women yet. i began to lie about small things id do to preserve the emotional recoil afterwards. the insecurity and threats of housing became so severe that i left despite not wanting to, i was itching to get high, he ignored blatant cries for help and begging for him to stop with the verbal attacks. so i left. he became very very angry afterwards. i still had hope for us and was under the impression that i was in fact the catalyst for every issue in the relationship due to past and present behavior with men. i begged and clawed at him and he (was so hurt to the point of?) replied with nothing but defamation and threats to my life.
i left without a job and asked him for help with finances once. he rejected it, believing i was trying to finance a date with someone. at some point he began inviting me over but only for transactional sex. he wanted me to be his personal prostitute. i refused to break that disgusting barrier with someone i loved. i ended up going back to non penetrative sex work to pay rent that month. i felt disgusting and thankfully found a job a few days after.
three weeks later he suddenly wants me again and im back at his house. i know what i did would end us so i held on for 6 weeks until i broke down out of guilt and told him. he called me a liar and cheater, wh-re of course. he tried self help evicting me before the cops arrived. in between hatred he'd ask me for transactional sex again. id comply in genuine desire for him, funnily enough he'd always discuss the breakup which created another fight and i'd never get my end of the transaction. the eviction hung over my name until i left the 1st of the month, and i was able to dismiss the case last week as he didnt show to court.
by no means will i ever make him understand that i begged him to give me a different option before i went back out. by no means will i convince him that no, someone elses dna doesnt stay in someone's mouth for 6 months holy shit. by no means will he see his part in berating me and pleading me to leave in the first place. i wish he and other men who i see berating girls with my past constantly understood that some of us never want to get to that place. it took everything in me not to wince and berate the men during the act. in use i took drugs to make it easier. i never enjoyed any part of it and it carries the same weight as the sexual abuse i experienced in my life.
i only discovered orgasm with him, which renders the whole situation worse. my brain uses it as a tactic to try convincing me he is the one. i used to be eager to cum at least a couple times a week but i cannot stand the thought of touching myself. i cannot stand the thought of someone looking at me sexually or touching me ever again. i unfortunately carry fond memories of him and i during sex, he told me sweet things that by the end of it made their home only in bed, he did contain himself to help me finish. im crying typing this because i dont know why i can look at him fondly in any way, and i resent myself for missing the good parts of him.
i genuinely tried working with him. it was debilitating the repercussions of not reassuring him correctly. i am so confused by everything after the break as every reassurance was a lie.
he technically reached out monday as my laptop didnt block him. he started off with love bombing and then fired off with humbling once i replied. telling me that i will never make rent without selling myself and that i will be accepted by no one due to this. that a self respecting man will put a woman in her place for sucking dick for money. it has been getting to me daily and i cant stop crying. my entire perception of self is ruined.
today someone i was in rehab with offered me an opportunity for a job and i was very excited, up until he began telling me that he'd expect me to "take care of him" on the side. i tried to maintain my composure with him to somehow manipulate the situation in my favor until i broke down with the realization that i truly am alone. that no man will ever genuinely do anything out of the kindness of their heart. i will never have anyone try to teach me to fish, they will only try handing me fish.
i do not want to fall completely into victim mentality about either situation. perhaps i keep running into the same type of man as i am the common denominator. i am yet to realize out of stubbornness or desperation for the opposite to be true that i in fact am on my own and cannot play the system without having to go through the torture of someone else touching me.
i dont know what type of reply or advice i am asking for.
i’m itching to send screenshots. i think about it constantly. i have his mother’s number and his sisters instagram.
the more time passes and the more comments i get under these posts the more i realize how disgustingly i was treated and i can’t stand it i can’t take it. the last few images are from this week. he reached out lovingly and regressed into more insults. telling me he has no hate for me anymore but telling me i’ll never be able to afford rent without selling myself. that he’ll spite fuck his ex tonight. he’s posting on his story for me, evidently, posting his designer and sniding me saying he has “too much love in his heart”.
i go through the day with my heart beating out of my chest, i can’t calm down. my head is in complete shambles. i somehow still think he is the one. he's convinced me i am unlovable and tarnished to the point where i will never be wanted by anyone else. ive come to believe it all and i cant shake it.
today i told my mother he was trying to push this idea that he’ll pay me for sex that she ended up texting him. coincidentally right after she texted him he texted me saying he'll help me with cash without any transaction. then a minute later calls me disgusting for spinning the story to my mother. he berated her and told her to stop trusting me. has threatened to “bully her” in the past. i almost threw up thinking about him trying to pin my own mother against me.
he genuinely thinks he is in the right. i have hundreds of screenshots like these. despite following the narc abuse cycle to a T i have “made him act this way”. he has told me he is just a poor boy who tried to love a girl and i hurt him to the point of this abuse.
i dont see why it wouldnt be unfair to send these to the girls in his life who know nothing about it. he doesnt know where i am now nor does he have the balls to try anything, so im not afraid of retaliation.
i think i was the target of a trauma bonded relationship with a very abusive partner but i cannot shake his allegations of me playing victim whenever i tell the story and the feeling of wanting to understand the situation completely before coming to conclusions. i am not innocent as i have hurt him. therefore the story is long as i want to include every detail he claims i leave out. he was kind up until i made him feel replaceable. id appreciate it being read through because i messed up as well. everything italicized is extra that doesnt really need reading. ill genuinely pay someone to break it down for me HONESTLY, i am desperate to understand.
(23f) meet a guy (25m) he tells me all of his exes did him wrong prior. very obsessive/marriage talk from the start. i have a history of sw during active addiction and he didnt like it. when i met him i was just out of rehab year sober i was still doing of but he helped me financially to get out of it. i start what in his mind is microcheating; kept around a friend who used to like me and said no when there was anything between us believing that to mean "have you ever been together/been physical", he went through my phone saw me rejecting him years ago, was deemed a liar. sent heart emojis to a gay influencer. when i understood his reactions i lied about contacting a mutual friend about someone i was physical in active addiction with asking if he had died yet. by the end of it i was accused, followed, broken up with constantly, roof threatened over my head, last mistake i made was contacting other people including men about housing thinking the ex was being genuine with his threats. he saw that = more evidence i was trying to "lilypad".
he would tell me he was jealous of past clients because they could have me however they wanted and he had to work for it. there was an incident where i told him to make sure to use rubbers and he entered me again after sex and i just let it happen. afterwards i was upset and told him he made me feel like i was with a client and he got very upset. i had to apologize that night for not taking accountability. another incident of waking him up at 2am, hes suddenly telling me theres "no one who knows your body more than me" and other things i felt i couldnt say no to, but i changed my mind in the middle and was told to leave the room and sleep elsewhere and had to apologize for waking him up with kisses.
he always wanted to be "yearned for". he always wanted to be touched. he would tell me he couldnt function without sex daily, so we had sex daily, and when i wasnt in the mood it was because i didnt want him anymore. i was upset that he watched porn of other women when he took care of himself so i often just said yes. he was able to be regulated after splits with blowjobs. by the end of it he labeled himself as a loser who had a girl who didnt wanna bang him, that i didnt initiate because i wasnt attracted to him, but in actuality the emotional rollercoaster was killing my insides and my libido kind of tarnished.
all 5-6 of my mistakes were to be atoned for, and i couldnt seem to apologize and take accountability correctly so his resentment followed me. i tried my hardest to research and understand, i really do struggle with empathy when it comes to misunderstood intentions and was not capable of realizing that all of the mistakes involving men hurt him when he brought it up, so i often got defensive when he brought it up. i figured i knew my intentions so i argued those and tried to make him understand that my mistakes do not mean what he thinks but it never worked. he would talk to me in the room for hours trying to make me understand and i would get so confused and uncertain that id just shut up. but in the end of every argument i never understood what happened and nothing was ever cleared up. i think this is my fault for wanting to defend my intentions moreso than the impact i caused.
one night he gets upset over notifications from landlords as we were searching for a place together, thinking i was cheating. i had made him dinner and he wouldnt calm down and i asked him if we could not do that right now. blew up, harsh words thrown at my face, im never having a daughter lest she end up like you, did you really think i wanted to live with you, w word, etc. i started moving my stuff from his room during a business call he had and i feel really bad for that. 3 days of me texting him trying to reconcile, 3 days of him texting insults of character and telling me to get out of his life.
at that point i wanted to get high from the push and pull, cut everyone off, did not benefit from the relationship in the slightest other than being financially taken care of, so i left. not without leaving letters and trying to get it though to him that we should take distance. he took it as abandonment, was hurt, which channeled into rage. threatened my life knowing i knew he bought a gun, saw no part in why i left, told me i was a liar a cheater. i kept begging him to understand. invited me over once most likely needing a nut, did that in me no protection as he always told me it felt better, i thought we were good again and was relieved, two hours after i leave he tells me he doesnt forgive me and to leave him alone. i left without a job, going through his kids abrtion, found a job that did not cover any living expenses. i asked him for help and he thought i was asking to help finance a date with another guy. mother ended up in the hospital and i decided to pay rent that month by going back to non penetrative sw. i felt disgusted with myself and thankfully landed a second job shortly after.
in april he decides he wants me again. i was overjoyed, he finally understands again i want him and no one but him. i apologize for leaving and he apologizes for threatening my life. tells me the only thing thatll break us up is whatever i did during our "no contact". i never considered it that, rather a break, as his behavior was indicative of wanting nothing to do with me.
i already knew how he'd take the truth of what i did, and i knew he'd never understand. i thought i'd be able to carry it to the grave, but i came to him in tears telling him i couldnt live with the guilt and told him. night and day, beforehand he was fantasizing about a marriage and 2 days later i have an eviction on my name. told me i brought out his deepest trauma of a girl doing stuff to someone else and coming home and kissing him. i ask him to understand that we werent together and that i tried asking for his help beforehand but he refuses. 3 weeks i sat in his house looking for housing elsewhere, every 4-5 days he'd get soft and tell me he understands why i did it, that he gets no play and knows he will never find someone like me again, that hes sorry he wasnt there for me, but no acknowledgement of why i left in the first place. he'd invite me to his room for sx and id fold. then he'd mention how hurt he is and we'd fight. the last interaction we had, he invited me upstairs for another transaction, but we started talking and he blew up to the point of feeling his spit in my face. i left to my room and he came down after 30 seconds but at that point i was so torn up that i told him to get out. i never tell him to get out. i left last week.
since the breakup hes been posting his lavish purchases, got a new car posting about it constantly, got eight tattoos. its as though he is taunting me to make money the way im used to, i am very financially insecure. i cant stop obsessing and check his story through some website every 3-4 hours. he saw the ex he mentioned in the screenshots last week and i got so sick finding out that i emailed him. he responded saying he was just helping her with a ride and i felt so sick. why didnt he help me when i needed it? he's not asking me how im doing in the new room. i barely have anything to my name now and i lost one of my jobs.
from three months in, the entirety of the relationship revolved around how well i could prove i want him. my intentions were never to replace him. i stuck around him like a dog, cut off everyone he had an issue with or thought would fuck me if given the chance, sacrificed my connections to ease him. he told me i didnt know how to take accountability and told me my mistakes imply more than i believed they did. i was told id pursue the person from use i lied about, and he began mentioning him more than i ever thought about him. i didnt know how to admit to something that wasnt true and was told he never got validation or closure for my mistakes. and despite me staying through his worst moments, through trouble at work and bad checks and his yelling and insults he always thought hed be replaced. i thought i could fix his deepest traumas.
the biggest gripe i have is that when i hurt him unintentionally he did everything in his power to hurt me back purposefully, including plotting with his landlord to get my things out of the house before the cops arrived to be spin the narrative that i never lived there, the cruel words and defamation, the "we're never having sex again" and not allowing me to kiss him, and so on. i never tried to hurt him intentionally or pin his insecurities against him up until the very end where he could tell me lovely things despite evicting me.
i just wanna know if its all my fault as he says. i fucked up, i did things for money like he feared i would and made him feel replaceable in the beginning. but i tried so hard to keep him close i really did. i just wanted him to understand that someone could love him despite all of it.
i included the ss for some more visibility but they really dont matter, i do think he is just afraid and hurting. these are months old so they wouldnt hold up in court.
the more time passes and the more comments i get under these posts the more i realize how disgustingly i was treated and i can’t stand it i can’t take it. this week he reached out lovingly telling me he'll never get over me that he hasnt moved on after i saw his ex posting a video from his car. after months of apologizing for his delusions that id lillypad to mine who live 1000s of miles away. then regressed into insults telling me he has no hate for me anymore but telling me i’ll never be able to afford rent without selling myself. that he’ll spite fuck the ex tonight. he’s posting on his story for me, bible quotes and designer and "ive got too much love to hate".
i go through the day with my heart beating out of my chest, i can’t calm down. my head is in complete shambles. his words echo in my head constantly and i feel woorthless. he convinced me no one will ever love or accept me and after this i genuinely believe he's right.
i told my mother he was trying to push this idea that he’ll pay me for sex since i told him i was struggling, she ended up texting him in anger. he berated her and told her to stop trusting me. has threatened to “bully her” in the past. i almost threw up thinking about him trying to pin my own mother against me.
he genuinely thinks he is in the right. i have hundreds of screenshots like these. despite following the narc abuse cycle to a T i have “made him act this way”. he has told me he is just a poor boy who tried to love a girl and i hurt him to the point of this abuse.
i dont see why it wouldnt be unfair to send these to the girls in his life who know nothing about it.
