u/Anxious-Mechanic-249

So a lot of us felt there should be a main host, they should learn to live the life almost like a singlet, of course with our support, but we were encouraged them to develop as a person and improve their skills whilst giving suggestions.

They initially were incredibly self destructive, they’d engage in multiple maladaptive behaviors. We are over 1 1/2 years sober (they were the main alter engaging in the non sobriety) and free from self harm by a few years.

They were a symptom holder and most unstable alter.

They developed some plans for what they want in life.
They had always had a desire to be host.
A lot of us don’t.
They have a hard time always understanding things and following directions compared to the rest of us (we’re not fantastic at it but they are worse)

I think they’re overwhelmed.

Idk a weird occurrence happened last night
Most of us are confused on what happened.
They said something about hearing voices
Is it possible for only one alter to hear voices? (We’re schizoaffective but usually only get delusions)
So now they’re upset internally.

We do have therapy later they’re considering coming out for that but they want me to promise to come back after.

Idk like I get they deserve a break but that feels ineffective, idk maybe we’re trying too hard ti be “normal”

It just makes life confusing we’ve had bad experiences where providers insisted on only talking to them or kicking us out of program bc they were host and we were not so that kind of scarred us.

Ik we can function without them, they’ve been host the most but I also used to be host for about a year.

Just the alters that know a lot and a good amount of us want us to work on ourselfs, them to be independent, and them to be more functional.

We’ve tried multiple approaches with them.

What are your thoughts on this?

Edit: our DID therapist is very supportive of us all and I believe the rest of our team is as well (they’re newer)

I just got told by this girl I was considering dating that she didn’t think she’d be able to deal with DID dating wise and I just feel hurt. Like I appreciate her honesty but like idk I wish it were easier. Like I get it’s a lot but still.

So idk how soon do I mention it to people I meet on the apps?

I don’t want to keep getting hurt.
She told me this today and my ex broke up with me a few years ago cuz of my trauma.
(I’ve worked on things since then)

What are your guys thoughts?

We’re both nonbinary, I’m 23 they’re 20, we’ve been talking a lot, I knew from their insta bio that they were a furry but I wasn’t sure how I felt about it or what it meant.

My family is very right leaning, I am not. So the things they say identify with that. They would say the whole oh kids are using litter boxes in schools thing. Which idk if that’s true anywhere but yeah and them thinking furries are freaks and very clearly not understanding.

I hate that I’m thinking about this in this way but I’m like what will other people thing and how will I deal with that. They have a furry head, they haven’t worn it out rlly but they made one and it looks pretty cool. And it’s not like I’m a stereotype or anything, I’m not a girl, I’ve had split dyes and shaved my head a few times. So i idk I like to think I don’t care but it’s hard.
I’m at a weird spot with my family they’re judgmental (called me a freak for wanting to dye my hair again and for cutting it short again) and I hit a breaking point living here so I’m trying to move out in the relative future.

I just don’t want to put them through my family. They’re nonbinary my ex was nonbinary as well and nobody respected that in my family plus they have a more non gender conforming name and they’re a furry. So I can’t even imagine who this could go down if we date.

I just don’t know and I want to understand being a furry more.

They said they’d like to wear it out at some point (the head) but not by themselves.

I’m worried of people’s reactions. Simply because I don’t want to deal with it. Maybe some other reasons too but that’s the main one.

Idk I’m not too too bothered by the whole furry thing but parts of this make me wonder if it’s something I can handle in my life. Depending on the extent of this and what it actually means

I’m in a very transitional phase.

I went back to work after ed treatment, got an additional job that will be starting soon, and I do something else a few times a year for income.

I’m taking time off from school to save to move out, I’m working on feeling comfortable enough to drive on my own and becoming more independent.

Right now I owe money to 2 people (I paid one person today after getting paid) and I won’t have money to see an eye dr and get my prescription updated and see a OBGYN which I’ve been putting off until 2-4 weeks and then get a refresher course by July the latest in driving because my family doesn’t help and potentially buying another car if my mom won’t transfer the car I was gifted into my name.

So now I just exist with everything and nothing and I’m just waiting

And I’m trying to make the most of now because I know once my other job starts I’ll be busier and all this is temporary and I can always quit if it becomes too much but I need to try to stick with it, prioritize getting the nutrition I need and my mental health and wellbeing and doing things for me

I’m just in a weird spot right now and I’ll probably figure this out in therapy but that’s pretty far away and waiting sucks.

Hi it is the Littles, we are writting because the adults are scared to and think they are bad in a way.

We think we should post some of this in a different place but we can not because we are little and we know we sound little so we will ask it all here and we hope you will have nice things to say to us.

The adults who hide and help are here because of the things that everyone said is bad to call it but is real that happened two days ago where it got selected and they thought they had to go bye byes

M can help tomorrow but we do not know if they is the most important thing since he thinks he might be okay until the body is 70. We are very far from 70. The adults have a lot to talk about with M. M is our talking person. We would also like to talk to her if there is time since we have questions about God and Mama.

We also wish us Littles had more people to talk to. Z and E talk to us but sometimes they are busy. We like talking to them.

The adults get scared to do anything at all. They like yoga and we like it to. Heather used to do it with us before she went away. They also like to meditate. Heather liked that too. In the organization we had to do bad meditation things with drugs and blood and candles and scary things. They aren’t afraid anymore of it but sometimes it feels scary so they are afraid. M said to try one yoga pose but they think that is stupid since they want to do a whole routine.
Maybe us Littles should do it instead to show the adults it is not scary.
I don’t know if that would be allowed.

They need to do inside work and help some inside friends. The ones with the food problems need help. Especially the mean one. She does not like that we said that but she is very mean sometimes. The girl who was kidnapped and tortured also needs help. But there is a lot going on so I don’t know if anyone knows where they should start.
They need to do inside work or it gets really bad scary and not good.
The other hidden adults told them that but they got very scared avoided it then wanted to die talked to a person on text then someone else came out and asked M how she could help us and said that the bad people had a lot of power. I think he will get upset with me for saying this but I think they do not because they are very not nice and not good and we should not let their words control us and we know M can help us heal.
We had dreams about bad sex stuff last night I don’t know if we should tell M.
I do not like him (the bad person. I do not want to say who he is in case he finds us)

I want us to heal and be very pretty and good.

They have a lot of good plans.

We want to drive our car and move out of mommies house and do adult things like see the dentist and get our eyes changed. I think it would be very cool and nice to have our own place even though I would miss the kitties a lot. But I would FaceTime them and visit them and say hello a lot.

Mommy could not be very mean if we were away and we could play more. And maybe they’d have swings!

But if they do not do the inside things they will be very not good and the hidden adults keep telling them that because the longer they wait the worse it gets and I am too little to help them.

And they need to do fun things because now they have 3 jobs and if they do not do fun things everyday after work they will be very upset and not good because working so much will make them very sad.

I don’t know where to go about this for a lot of reasons but I’m really hoping this is a safe space because it is seeming like there aren’t a lot left for people who have been through what I’ve been through. I’m just worried this post will get taken down but I read all the rules before this just to make sure it was okay and I don’t see anything wrong with this.

I was that person who freaked out probably a year ago in the DID reddit and managed to get permanently banned from it and a few subreddits and temporarily from this one.

I am aware saying that might stir up some things but I wanted to be honest.

A couple things happened last night.

I messaged the DID mods asking if I could be let back in because it had been a year and I felt I made progress.

They told me no, that I had not changed, and that I was apparently offensive.
When I tried to say I didn’t understand how it was offensive and asked if they could provide sources they muted me.

I feel really hurt because I swear I’ve bettered myself. I know me better than they do and I want to understand why it’s wrong. I looked up both terms and looked into it a little bit last night but I don’t understand. I couldn’t find anything bad about them or why they weren’t appropriate and I don’t understand why posts discussing these topics or entire subreddits about them get removed.
If it really is no longer the proper term there has to be one because it can’t be nothing.
I went through it and I know it’s something.

It’s about RAMCOA and programing.
They mentioned other terms and didn’t tell me what they were but if I’m being honest I hardly remember all of went down last year. I just know it wasn’t good.
And if any of you remember it I cut off the person I was talking to and have my own new memories of events that prove what she hinted at did actually occur. It was just an odd way of finding out. But I really do not want to talk about her or my trauma.

I’ve seen from some digging last night that RAMCOA might be called OEA now? I don’t know or understand why though.
And apparently programing is bad.

I’m a psych major and ik conditioning but I refer to what I went through as programing bc of the extent of it, I truly believe it’s more than conditioning, and if I can’t call it programing than what am I supposed to call it because I don’t think it’s conditioning.

I was in a cult I believe nearly all of what RAMCOA stands for applies.

I was told it was antisemitic, I think racist, and something about lizard people? I don’t know I’m honestly so confused.

The mods told me I was spamming about conspiracy theories but I’m not. And I didn’t know. And I honest to god do not remember what I said last year. I had someone come at me claiming all these horrible things about me because I said I went through RAMCOA.

Also they said something about it being satanic but with how that cult was I wouldn’t be surprised.

I just want to know what to call what I went through and I want to know that there’s a place where I can get support around these things inbetween therapy or when my therapist doesn’t understand because as much as I love her she doesn’t always understand.

I see M twice a week for my DID and as of today D once a week for my ed and my dietitian C once a week.

Yes I have an extensive team and not to be like oh poor me but I had said to my therapist the other week how I felt I had more severe DID than most people and she agreed.

It just hurts knowing that I can’t likely ever be allowed in the DID space knowing that that is what I have and I know DID and OSDD are so so so so so similar but still.

Plus I have a dream of making more reliable accessible resources for DID and OSDD when I’m a therapist and I’d love to post or have someone post about them on these subreddits when I’m a therapist one day.

Also as for the programing or whatever I’m supposed to call it that went off yesterday, I had my session with M. She did not have enough time for hypnotherapy today but we meet again Thursday. Last night one of the alters tried to make us pick when we’d die and we picked 70. We don’t want that to happen then either but still. He’s very confused about how to proceed but we found those comments on our post last night incredibly helpful and we’d like to thank you all for your help and support when we really needed it.

Also I hope you can see me changed I (Av) have been a symptom holder since we discovered we’re a system. I essentially concored my alcoholism (over 1.5 yrs sober) and we as a whole are the same lengths over from weed and even longer from self harm. I learned to not hate my headmates and to front.
They pushed me hard. They were gentle and tough all when I needed and they put me through hell at times. But I learned to deal with persecutors without (Iv) and she is permanently blocked and will never be in our life again.
We need hard near impossible things we never thought we’d do.
We have a really amazing treatment team and are working to break the ed relapse cycle.
We have made plans to become more independent and are working ourselves everyday.
We are working hard and very proud.

I hope you can see how we’ve changed and help to better educate us.
Thank you.

We are a programed system I know that but I also know that this little broke a rule trying to explain something to our friend. She tried referring to us as inside friends and that particular little is not allowed to do that.

I am a protector I have kept the body safe since being discharged from res.

We have kept the innerworld hidden for the time being as the host adjusts.

Now she (the little) is being tortured internally and it is impossible to ignore her screams

So we have to kill ourselves because she told people about us even though the person she told already knows us our alters and also has alters.

I know this doesn’t make sense but it is the rule. I did not set it but it has to be followed.

The person who used to help us turned out to be a jerk and is blocked after being insanely rude to us all and insulting us over and over etc.

We do not know how to undo programing.

Our therapist does but we do not see her until 3pm tomorrow. We have 3 appointments before her.

We need to die tonight.

There is no way around it.

This is my last resort.

Maybe somebody will have something helpful.

The host was on with a suicide hotline for different reasons via text

This person seems to not understand DID

they are usually okay with it

The little who took over when the host went away got frustrated with this person and started talking to our friend which led to this whole thing.

I am not fond of this person either.

So despite being told 3 jobs is a bad idea I now have 3 jobs… worked the last 3 days at petco. I start my other job in a week or so. And my third job is a few times a year.

So that being said I am aware of how incredibly important it is to make time for myself everyday so I stay sane.

The issue is I struggle with a lot with fear.

Fear of something bad happening if I do things I like.

I fear if I play a video game it’s wasting my time and I’ll feel unfulfilled and idk so I have not played one in awhile.

I’m afraid if I watch something it’s essentially the same thing as video games bc idk it’s not “productive enough” or something.

I like yoga and meditation.
However due to trauma in childhood where I was put in a negative “meditative” thing and such I have those memories and fear that those people will come after me get me and make me do bad things even though we’ve had no contact for probably a decade.

I love meditation and yoga and would love to teach it in the future.
Clearly I’d need to practice it more first.

I’d love to do art but I’m afraid and just have so many ideas and get overwhelmed.

I like being outside but I just I don’t know I can’t it’s too much I get scared

Physical activity is limited to yoga and walks rn due to being in ed recovery but I have plans to return to running as appropriate.

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I’m so fearful.

I just know I won’t be okay with 3 jobs and trying to get my life together (getting more independent and working on eventually moving out) if I am not taking care of myself and doing things for me.

I just don’t know how to get past this.

In 2020 when I was 17 I got into meditation and yoga after a teacher recommended it.
At 18 I did yoga a few times a week at a treatment center.
I feel in love with it
At 19 I realized I had DID
at 22 I realized I had trauma around meditation type stuff.
As a child in a cult we would sit in circles with candles speak a different language and such.
For a solid year I had to stop meditating.
I started both meditation and yoga again recently.
I want to get my 200hr in a few years and teach yoga one day.
It’s just now I get scared to meditate and do yoga because I worry it’ll somehow happen again or something bad will happen.
I worked a long shift today and I need to do yoga before bed so I have something for me and feel okay with all the hours I’m working.
It’s 2:30 am I’m getting up at 8:30 to prepare some Mother’s Day stuff and I have work 3-8
Not ideal
How do I not be scared?
Is it just slow exposures?
I don’t want to be scared anymore

Edit - I can imagine ways in which I want to do a yoga flow or move my body in my mind and I honestly don’t know if it’s me or an alter but im worried I won’t be able to do it tonight yet Ik I need to

Edit 2 - they put me in paralysis bc im too afraid to do it. I think im just going to go to sleep now I’m only sleeping for 5 1/2 hrs i usually sleep 8

I applied to customer service associate at Walgreens awhile back and got my offer letter today.
I already have a job at Petco and plan to keep it but I needed more so I applied for an additional job.
I start in 1-2 weeks.
I scrolled on this subreddit and yall seem to hate your jobs…
Does anyone not hate it?
Idk you guys are making me kind of nervous

I keep seeing posts from people on here who are really unwell. As in in mania or psychosis.
I had both recently but they never get “that bad”.
I’ve heard of people experiencing psychosis symptoms long term.
And that scares me.
I have a lot of goals in life.
I can’t be in psychosis forever.
I’ve had it like 3-4 times this year but I managed to stay out of the hospital since February 2025.
Longest since being diagnosed. I used to go back every 3-6 months.
I’ve gone through almost every antipsychotic
I’ve been told my schizoaffective is treatment resistant
I’m afraid I’ll go insane and not be able to live the life I want or achieve my goals

I’ve been struggling with this and I’m just wondering what helped others

I made this gorgeous smoothie bowl I’ve had this recipe in smoothies before I should’ve known I didn’t like the ginger but I added it and when I went to eat it it was burning my throat and I couldn’t finish it and now I just want to cry bc I don’t have it in me to get something else for breakfast. That was so much effort and I was so excited over it

I’m 23, I’ve had mental health issues I’ve been in and out of ed treatment since 18.
I decided I want to move out and that means I need more money.
I work at petco 1-4 days a week.
I’m applying for an additional job (I’m afraid to quit Petco because I know I can keep that job if I need to go on leave) and I realized most part time jobs are 3-4 days 6-8 hours a day.
This leaves hardly any time for therapy and my dietitian and psychiatrist.
I am not stable in my ed recovery by any means.
Low key should still be in treatment but I am running out of money.
I also don’t drive.
I am saving up to take a 6hr refresher course and be able to afford my own car insurance so my mom will let me drive.
I also need eye insurance because prescription isn’t right
I just don’t know what to do

They wanted to take all the medicine and die and I know that is very bad and not good and it would hurt and be bad and God would not be happy about that.

The talking person asked us to stay safe but didn’t say how long to stay safe so they think they are not breaking a promise. I texted her about it.

I do not know what to do they want to die almost everyday and they are very not happy.

Mommy does not help. She makes things not good. She told them they are not allowed to drive because they take medicine. They are running out of money. All their friends are busy or live far. They have not seen friends in a long time. Only two friends call us sometimes. They are very not happy in life and our medicine stoped worked but we saw the brain doctor today and we take the new amount in a little bit but now I have to take it because they are gone and the brain medicine scares me plus they did not put it on the container so I have to take it from the bottle.

I do not know what to do.
How do I help?

Please please please don’t judge me.

I’ve had this issue my whole life where I obsesses over and attach to people I admire, fine attractive, or like. I honestly think it’s my BPD but tbh I don’t fully understand how that works and I’m not trying to say oh because I have BPD it’s fine I’m just saying I think that’s why I do it but idk.

I have an Ed I’ve been in recovery for awhile. I worked with this dietitian K for awhile (we parted ways bc I needed someone that would also work with different alters since I have DID and she didn’t feel she could do that). She was one of the best dietitians I’ve ever had.

This is where it gets weird.
So she has a public Instagram she’s low key an influencer in a way while being a dietitian.
I found it when I looked her up I think to schedule initially.
Awhile back I asked if I was allowed to follow it via email she didn’t respond to that part of the email so I did not follow it in case she did not want me following her Instagram.

However sometimes I’ll just stalk her Instagram. And Ik that’s bad. But idk I get bored and I look up to her. She seems to live this perfect life. (Some of these things Ik from PHP and outpatient so keep that in mind) she recovered from her ed, is good at cooking, has a bf, teaches I it’s either Pilates or yoga or both idrk but I think that’s super cool. Idk she just seems to have the perfect life and I want to be able to achieve that too. I’ve also always been into mindfulness and cooking and have had a food Instagram long before I met her. I want to get my 200hr and teach yoga and mindfulness sometime in the future bc I enjoy it. Idk I just want to have a happy fulfilling life like her.

Ik this is so odd and not good and I need to stop but I can’t.

I also think she is like the prettiest person I’ve seen

My therapist M knows I as she said had a crush on K. She doesn’t know the extent of this. I’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit any of this. But M has said nothing surprises her bc people are capable of anything.

Idk how do I go about this? Has anyone been in a similar position? What do I do?

I’m worried this disorder will ruin my life. I’m medication resistant schizoaffective there’s I think one antipsychotic that I haven’t tried. I have ways to go with how much my current one can be up but I’ve only been diagnosed for 4 years with this so that’s not long. I have big plans and dreams for my life. I’m worried this disorder will take me, my dreams, plans, and ruin them.