u/Aromatic_Educator_87

Hi everyone,

I was in an extremely challenging, abusive relationship for 10 years. Looking back, I’m convinced my ex was a narcissist with occasional sadistic tendencies. I won't detail everything he did to me here because it would be a very long post, but it left deep scars and almost cost my life.

Fast forward to today: I have been in a new relationship for 5 years. My current boyfriend is not abusive, but he doesn't understand the extent of my trauma - which is probably understandable. We’ve talked about it many times, but he still can’t fully grasp my reactions.

I’m talking about the moments when I completely flip into "fight-or-flight" mode. So many everyday situations trigger this. When it happens, my mind completely disconnects from rational thinking, everything goes dark, and I start seeing things in a terrifyingly catastrophic way. I become like a cornered dog - terrified, but ready to bite.

When I'm in this state, I completely lose control over what I’m saying. I start defending myself in a totally disproportionate way, and sometimes I even use profanity or lash out verbally. Please believe me, I am not the narcissist, even though it might sound like it right now. It is pure, uncontrolled panic.

For example, yesterday he asked me if I could wash his shirts. I filled the washing machine and automatically turned the dial to the left and started it, assuming it would run the last used standard program. I didn't notice it was set to an Eco mode that takes 2.5 hours and ranges between 40–60°C.
After two hours, my boyfriend noticed it. It wasn't a big deal to him, he justed wanted me to apologize and to promise to be more careful next time.
But my brain went into full-blown panic. The fight-or-flight response kicked in, I started shaking, and my mind instantly decided that I had ruined the shirts, that I deserved to be punished, and that this was a break-up worthy offense. I genuinely believed that from now on, he would watch me like a hawk every time I loaded the washing machine.

In these moments, I regress into a childlike state. Yesterday, I ended up curling up in the closet, hiding my head under some jackets. In the past, I used to literally leave the apartment and wander the streets for hours (I’m trying hard to control that part now).

In fact, every time this happens, my boyfriend asks me why I’m doing this, saying that it’s definitely not normal. He tells me he doesn't understand why I’m even with him if I keep portraying him as some kind of tyrant.

Has anyone else experienced this level of trauma response? Did anything actually help you overcome it or soothe the nervous system?

Thank you so much for reading.

What procedures or cosmetic changes have you undergone because of body dysmorphia, and how much money did it cost you in total?

Me:
Breast implants — about $2,800 - Now I see them as small because of my BD and I don’t even like them anymore. They make me huge.
Chin liposuction — about $1,150 - Completely unnecessary. The doctor removed basically a teaspoon of fat because there wasn’t more to remove, yet I still see my chin as a huge saggy pouch.
"Jolie jawline” fillers — about $900 - Not the right procedure for me at all. Total waste of money. Had it removed.
Hair extensions — probably around $2,200 over my lifetime, I wear them in a ponytail because I see my hair as limp and lifeless
Cheek fillers — about $780 - I don't see any difference
Masseter Botox + Nefertiti lift — about $430 - Didn’t work for me, so also wasted money.

Lip fillers are the only thing I still view 100 % positively, and I get them done regularly.

It’s crazy because before every procedure, I’d think, 'This is the one, I'll finally be satisfied.' But it never happened. I always just find a new flaw to obsess over.

My brother basically ghosted me, even though I never did anything to him - if anything, it was the opposite (F32, M25).

He was always a bit different, almost autistic in some ways, but when he was younger he was actually pretty communicative and fun. We used to do sports together, talk about TV shows, joke around, etc.

Over time though, he became more and more distant and strange. He started doing weird “jokes” that psychologically tormented our mother - for example imitating her abusive ex, pretending that the ex was standing outside the apartment building, faking seizures and collapsing to the ground, scaring her in masks in the dark, things like that.

With me, however, he still acted normally for a long time. He once told me he could never forgive our mother for staying with such a man and forcing him to be part of that environment. But by then they had already been separated for 5 years, and my mother herself had been a victim in that relationship. She apologized countless times and tried to make up for it however she could - letting him live at home rent-free, no responsibilities, giving him money even when she barely had any herself, cooking for him, helping him, apologizing over and over. Nothing was ever enough, and he remained cold and cruel toward her.

Then he got his first girlfriend, whom he’s been with for about 2 years now (our mom even let them live in her small apartment rent-free and without the need to do any house chores - for a year until they moved out), and that’s when things fully escalated. He changed drastically and I started feeling a huge emotional distance from him too.

He basically stopped communicating altogether. Became even more emotionally flat and lacking empathy. He hurt me pretty badly at one point too, but I let it go. The strange thing is that he seems attentive and cheerful with his girlfriend.

I completely understand people changing, having different interests, wanting space, etc. But he doesn’t even reply to messages anymore — just complete silence. It genuinely feels like he despises me as a person. And it’s not like I was spamming him. I would text maybe once every 2–3 months, no guilt-tripping, no drama, just normal messages. He never contacts me first.
So I eventually decided to stop reaching out and just accept that this relationship is over.

I also know he only contacts the rest of the family when he needs something - money, favors, rides, help arranging things, etc. So it’s not just me.

**TL;DR**
**Why does this happen? Has anyone else experienced something similarly confusing and painful with a family member or someone close to them?**

**My brother basically ghosted me, even though I never did anything to him - if anything, it was the opposite (F32, M25).**

He was always a bit different, almost autistic in some ways, but when he was younger he was actually pretty communicative and fun. We used to do sports together, talk about TV shows, joke around, etc.

Over time though, he became more and more distant and strange. He started doing weird “jokes” that psychologically tormented our mother - for example imitating her abusive ex, pretending that the ex was standing outside the apartment building, faking seizures and collapsing to the ground, scaring her in masks in the dark, things like that.

With me, however, he still acted normally for a long time. He once told me he could never forgive our mother for staying with such a man and forcing him to be part of that environment. But by then they had already been separated for 5 years, and my mother herself had been a victim in that relationship. She apologized countless times and tried to make up for it however she could - letting him live at home rent-free, no responsibilities, giving him money even when she barely had any herself, cooking for him, helping him, apologizing over and over. Nothing was ever enough, and he remained cold and cruel toward her.

Then he got his first girlfriend, whom he’s been with for about 2 years now (our mom even let them live in her small apartment rent-free and without the need to do any house chores - for a year until they moved out), and that’s when things fully escalated. He changed drastically and I started feeling a huge emotional distance from him too.

He basically stopped communicating altogether. Became even more emotionally flat and lacking empathy. He hurt me pretty badly at one point too, but I let it go. The strange thing is that he seems attentive and cheerful with his girlfriend.

I completely understand people changing, having different interests, wanting space, etc. But he doesn’t even reply to messages anymore — just complete silence. It genuinely feels like he despises me as a person. And it’s not like I was spamming him. I would text maybe once every 2–3 months, no guilt-tripping, no drama, just normal messages. He never contacts me first.
So I eventually decided to stop reaching out and just accept that this relationship is over.

I also know he only contacts the rest of the family when he needs something - money, favors, rides, help arranging things, etc. So it’s not just me.

**TL;DR**
**Why does this happen? Has anyone else experienced something similarly confusing and painful with a family member or someone close to them?**

**My brother basically ghosted me, even though I never did anything to him - if anything, it was the opposite (F32, M25).**

He was always a bit different, almost autistic in some ways, but when he was younger he was actually pretty communicative and fun. We used to do sports together, talk about TV shows, joke around, etc.

Over time though, he became more and more distant and strange. He started doing weird “jokes” that psychologically tormented our mother - for example imitating her abusive ex, pretending that the ex was standing outside the apartment building, faking seizures and collapsing to the ground, scaring her in masks in the dark, things like that.

With me, however, he still acted normally for a long time. He once told me he could never forgive our mother for staying with such a man and forcing him to be part of that environment. But by then they had already been separated for 5 years, and my mother herself had been a victim in that relationship. She apologized countless times and tried to make up for it however she could - letting him live at home rent-free, no responsibilities, giving him money even when she barely had any herself, cooking for him, helping him, apologizing over and over. Nothing was ever enough, and he remained cold and cruel toward her.

Then he got his first girlfriend, whom he’s been with for about 2 years now (our mom even let them live in her small apartment rent-free and without the need to do any house chores - for a year until they moved out), and that’s when things fully escalated. He changed drastically and I started feeling a huge emotional distance from him too.

He basically stopped communicating altogether. Became even more emotionally flat and lacking empathy. He hurt me pretty badly at one point too, but I let it go. The strange thing is that he seems attentive and cheerful with his girlfriend.

I completely understand people changing, having different interests, wanting space, etc. But he doesn’t even reply to messages anymore — just complete silence. It genuinely feels like he despises me as a person. And it’s not like I was spamming him. I would text maybe once every 2–3 months, no guilt-tripping, no drama, just normal messages. He never contacts me first.
So I eventually decided to stop reaching out and just accept that this relationship is over.

I also know he only contacts the rest of the family when he needs something - money, favors, rides, help arranging things, etc. So it’s not just me.

**TL;DR**
**Why does this happen? Has anyone else experienced something similarly confusing and painful with a family member or someone close to them?**

My brother basically ghosted me, even though I never did anything to him - if anything, it was the opposite (F32, M25).

He was always a bit different, almost autistic in some ways, but when he was younger he was actually pretty communicative and fun. We used to do sports together, talk about TV shows, joke around, etc.

Over time though, he became more and more distant and strange. He started doing weird “jokes” that psychologically tormented our mother - for example imitating her abusive ex, pretending that the ex was standing outside the apartment building, faking seizures and collapsing to the ground, scaring her in masks in the dark, things like that.

With me, however, he still acted normally for a long time. He once told me he could never forgive our mother for staying with such a man and forcing him to be part of that environment. But by then they had already been separated for 5 years, and my mother herself had been a victim in that relationship. She apologized countless times and tried to make up for it however she could - letting him live at home rent-free, no responsibilities, giving him money even when she barely had any herself, cooking for him, helping him, apologizing over and over. Nothing was ever enough, and he remained cold and cruel toward her.

Then he got his first girlfriend, whom he’s been with for about 2 years now (our mom even let them live in her small apartment rent-free and without the need to do any house chores - for a year until they moved out), and that’s when things fully escalated. He changed drastically and I started feeling a huge emotional distance from him too.

He basically stopped communicating altogether. Became even more emotionally flat and lacking empathy. He hurt me pretty badly at one point too, but I let it go. The strange thing is that he seems attentive and cheerful with his girlfriend.

I completely understand people changing, having different interests, wanting space, etc. But he doesn’t even reply to messages anymore — just complete silence. It genuinely feels like he despises me as a person. And it’s not like I was spamming him. I would text maybe once every 2–3 months, no guilt-tripping, no drama, just normal messages. He never contacts me first.
So I eventually decided to stop reaching out and just accept that this relationship is over.

I also know he only contacts the rest of the family when he needs something - money, favors, rides, help arranging things, etc. So it’s not just me.

**TL;DR**
Why does this happen? Has anyone else experienced something similarly confusing and painful with a family member or someone close to them?

Mě prostě ghostnul můj bratr, přitom jsem mu nikdy nic neudělala, spíš naopak (F32, M25).

Byl vždy jiný, až celkem autistický, ale jako mladší byl celkem komunikativní, samá sranda, chodili jsme spolu sportovat, řešili jsme seriály... Postupem času ale začínal být víc a víc odměřený a zvláštní, začal třeba dělat zvláštní žerty, kterými psychicky trýznil naší matku - např. napodoboval jejího tyranského ex, dělal žerty, že ten ex stojí dole pod domem, dělal, že má nějaký záchvat a kácel se k zemi, lekal ji v různých maskách ve tmě, apod.

Se mnou však komunikoval normálně.. svěřil se, že nemůže matce odpustit, že žila s takovým chlapem a on toho musel být součástí. Jenže už to bylo tou dobou 5 let od rozchodu a matka v tom byla oběť a tisíckrát se revanšovala - azyl doma, žádné povinnosti, peníze ač sama neměla pro sebe, jídlo, omluvy. Nic nepřijal a byl dál krutý.

Pak si našel svojí první holku, se kterou je cca 2 roky - matka je dokonce nechala rok žít zdarma ve svém malém bytě a sama spala v obýváku, nemuseli nic platit ani pomáhat doma, pak se odstěhovali a nechali zdemolovanou místnost s dirama ve zdi - a to už je jen vyvrcholení, kdy se diametrálně změnil a začala jsem z něj cítit velký distanc i vůči mně.

No prostě přestal komunikovat, začal být ještě víc emočně tupý, neempatický. I mi před nějakým časem poměrně něčím ublížil, ale přešla jsem to. Ke své přítelkyni je však pozorný a v dobré náladě.
Chápu jiné zájmy a plně je respektuju, ale on už ani neodepisuje na zprávy, čistý ignor. Jakoby prostě doslova pohrdal mou osobou. Nejedná se o žádné spamy z mé strany, napsala jsem jednou za 2-3 měsíce, žádné výčitky, prostě normální zprávy. On mně nikdy.
Tak jsem se rozhodla, že už ho nebudu kontaktovat a budu to brát jako uzavřené.
Taky vím, ze zbytku rodiny se ozývá jen, když něco potřebuje - peníze, zařídit různé služby, odvoz, apod., takže se nejedná jen o mě.

Proč se tohle děje a stalo se vám taky něco takhle nepochopitelného v rodině nebo u někoho blízkého?

I’ve been doing pole dance/pole sport since September 2025. I take classes once a week (+ exotic choreo once a weak), and I also have my own pole at my mom’s house because I can’t install one in my apartment. I only get to practice there about once a month though.

The weird thing is - I was actually progressing pretty well. I could do Butterfly, Scorpio, Gemini, one-leg hangs, Jade, Hip Hold, etc.

But suddenly, for the last 3 weeks, I can do NOTHING. Seriously. I can barely even hold a basic Goddess anymore. I feel weak, unstable, and like I’m going to fall. Butterfly suddenly feels terrifying and genuinely unsafe for me.

The more stressed I get about it, the worse it becomes.

I’ve also noticed that my whole body feels extremely stiff lately, even though I stretch regularly and also do stretching at the gym. I used to have both front splits and middle splits (“pancake/straddle”), and now I suddenly feel like a stiff bug that can’t do anything properly.

I go to the gym around 2x a week when I can.

What is happening to me? Has this happened to anyone else? I’m honestly starting to panic a little because it feels like I lost all my progress overnight.

I feel like I’m watching myself decay in real time and nobody around me understands how horrifying it feels.

I’m 31 and I used to be attractive. Not delusional - I genuinely was considered attractive (mostly at 20-28).
I worked out for years, took care of myself, felt feminine, confident, alive inside my body.
Now I look in the mirror and feel disgust. Pure disgust.
My body feels swollen, stiff, heavier, uglier, older, and is weaker. My face looks wrong to me. My Apple FaceID doesn't recognize me anymore. My posture changed. My energy is gone. I feel like something inside me broke and never came back.
Sometimes I go to the gym, pay for entry, then hide in the locker room in the dark because I can’t handle people seeing me. I sit there frozen, scrolling on my phone, trying not to cry, because the thought of walking out onto the gym floor makes me feel physically sick.
When I do work out, I hide in corners or face walls. I feel hyper aware of every person around me. Every glance feels humiliating. I know I probably look nervous and weird which makes it even worse.
People say “it’s all in your head” but it doesn’t FEEL in my head. It feels physical. It feels visible. I SEE THEM WATCHING. It feels like my body is betraying me and everyone can see it except me.
The worst part is that I remember what it felt like before. I remember moving through the world without shame. I remember feeling pretty without obsessing over every angle of my face and body.
Now I genuinely relate to Demi Moore in The Substance in a way that scares me. That movie felt less like fiction and more like watching my own brain on screen. The self hatred, the disgust, the panic over aging, the feeling that your value as a woman is rotting away in front of you.
And before anyone says “just love yourself” - I’ve been trying everyday but my body betrays me. At some point it stops feeling like self esteem issues and starts feeling like grief.
I don’t know how to accept becoming someone I hate looking at.