I’m a 36M dating a 38F doctor for about 5 months. She’s kind intelligent family oriented and we’ve been getting along well in most areas.

However, we’ve discovered a major difference in our expectations of marriage.

She believes a husband should naturally be the provider and has said that’s what she expects from marriage. She’d like to eventually stop working or significantly scale back, and sees providing as the husband’s role. She says she would contribute through love, care and raising a family.

My view is different. I want a teammate. I have no issue working hard, providing for my family or supporting my wife, but I’m not comfortable with a long-term single-income household when both partners are capable of working. I envision us building our life together, sharing financial responsibility in whatever way makes sense at different stages of life.
This isn’t about splitting every coffee or keeping score. It’s about our underlying philosophy of marriage.

Am I overthinking this, or is this a genuine compatibility issue? Has anyone been in a similar situation where one partner expected a traditional provider model and the other wanted a more egalitarian partnership? Did you find common ground, or was it ultimately a deal-breaker?

My wife and I have been married for 5 years, with 2 kids (4 and 3). It's been a long 5 years and we've argued about this topic at different points during that time. Here is a summary of how we split responsibilities/tasks.

Financial responsibilities/work

For the past 5 years I have made about 75% of the income and pay about 75% of the bills. We live in a HCOL area.

I pay for: 1) mortgage 2) utilities 3) insurance 4) both cars 5) vacations 6) big ticket items (appliances/furniture) 7) retirement funds/529 for the kids

She pays for: 1) groceries + food 2) day to day supplies for kids and house 3) childcare (she helps support her parents who in turn watch the kids during the week) 4) kids insurance through her workplace

I paid for the entire down payment on the house and to fully furnish the house when we moved in.

I own my own business and she is a salaried employee. In order to help out with the kids, I work on-site 3 days out of the week and stay home 4 days out of the week. 2 days out of the week I watch one of the kids on my own while the younger child stays with grandparents. I'll work from home during the days I stay home with the kids.

Wife works 40 hours a week M-F. During the weekends she and I stay home with the kids.

Household chores/Childcare responsibilities

She definitely does more than half of the chores but I try to pull my weight. Main tasks are laundry that gets done once a week, and we'll clean bathrooms and floors once a week. We just do the dishes as they get used. If I had to guess how these tasks are split, I would say I do most of our laundry while wife does most of kids laundry. She'll do the bathrooms and floors three times for every time I do it. The issue with this is that I want to get a cleaner to come once a month to take care of the cleaning but my wife doesn't like letting strangers into the house since she is OCD about germs. So she has decided to take on a bigger role since I'd rather pay for extra free time which she disagrees with.

Neither one of us does too much cooking. I'll meal prep for my work lunches and I'll make breakfast during the weekdays for me and the older child. She'll make a few meals during the weekends and we fill in the other meals with takeout or eating at grandparents house.

Our main disagreements stem from childcare responsibilities. She spends so much time and energy to do tasks that I don't believe need to be done. She still believes that she needs to handfeed the kids who are ages 3 and 4 (5 in a few months). This is a big source of frustration as the kids can be picky eaters who take a long time to finish meals and she'll spend her work lunch to come home to feed the kids. When I'm feeding the kids I give them their meals and tell them they have x amount of minutes to finish the food. I'll clear their plates when time is up whether they finished it or not. She feels the need to make sure they get fed no matter what. Also, I pushed for daycare and we tried it for 6 months with the older child. She decided to pull him from daycare and wanted the kids to stay with her parents during the week (with their support). I didn't have strong feelings about it one way or another so I went along. This is when I switched to a 3 day workweek so I can help watch the kids during the week while she continued to work a fulltime schedule.

She also gets poor sleep at night. We sleep in different rooms (her choice) since she co-slept with our younger child. Now basically both kids sleep in the same bed as her. I told her it's time for each kid to sleep on their own and for us to share a bed again but she disagrees. We sleep trained the first child and I think she has guilt about it. She complains about being tired but won't change their sleep routine. It's not a stretch to say she will probably sleep with the younger child for at least another year or two.

So no kids in daycare have obviously stretched us all pretty thin. We have no work/life/social balance to speak of and we're just feeling very tired emotionally/spiritually/physically. I have tried to suggest changing some of our habits to make life easier but she insists on doing things her way since she believes that is what's best for the kids.

Moving forward

We are both so burnt out right now. My business is declining (like many others) and it's getting more difficult to keep doing most of the heavy lifting. She has stayed at the same company for 10 years and she's gotten 2 raises in the last 6 years, neither of which has really kept up with inflation. Her job is familiar and close to home so I haven't pressured her to find another job. As long as she is content I'll keep doing what I can on my end. However, the problem is that she thinks it's the "man's" job to provide for the family which means paying the mortgage, etc. If that's the case, what is the "woman's" job? Should I expect a hot meal on the table every night? Are all modern relationships like this where the man is still expected to be the primary earner but all other responsibilities are split? When I point out this issue her default answer is "well this is the kind of marriage all of my friends have." I have no problem being the breadwinner for my family but I am starting to feel resentment that it's expected and not appreciated, especially while I am doing my best to do my part for raising our kids.

Our oldest child is about to start school in a few months and it should feel like a good opportunity to transition into the next chapter of our lives where we can achieve better balance. But in all honesty it feels so bleak right now. I know it's a common feeling but it just feels like we're roommates living in the same house who are co-parenting. For those of you who have been in our shoes, how did you move forward? Did life become easier once the kids went to school? Did divorce improve your quality of life? What are some blind spots for me that is keeping me from understanding where my wife is coming from?

I am 32F. Never got married, probably don't intend to anymore unless it's a once-in-a-lifetime love story, which is maybe more movie than real.

I see so many posts here talking about how the relationship dynamics between them and their in-laws or spouse and parents cause them continual anxiety that spills into their everyday life. Add to the mix of bad in-laws, less-than-understanding parents, and an incompetent husband, a kid almost always ruins their mental health further.

For those who are stuck in these situations, my heart truly goes out to you. I see my married friends struggle, and the constant stress of being performative alone would've done it for me.

But to those who are young and navigating multiple relationships, just stop. I was engaged to the LOML at 28 after being together for years. I got a taste of how my in-laws were in the initial days of our engagement, and I noped out so fast. They were controlling, overbearing, and cared about what society thought about them more than either of our happiness. I saw the setup and immediately cut myself off from there. Did it hurt? Hell yes. Did I cause drama? No, I have more self respect than that. Our relationship ended not in tears and misery but with love and respect, and we still are great platonic friends who wish the best for each other.

Anyone in my life who made me feel bad about the decision was immediately let go. Anyone who gives me pain about finding a husband is meted out the same treatment. Today, I own my own house (it's the fcking cutest), travel for 6 out of 12 months a year, have great friends, a valuable support network, lots of interesting hobbies, and a family that loves me immensely. I go on dates around the world, meet fun people, but love, marriage, and men have been entirely decentered from my life for 4 years now. And I see a lot of badass women all around me who are much happier than any of those suffering married friends.

My point is no, ending the relationship is not the end of the world. But choosing a marriage that won't give you immense peace is. You don't have to live in constant anxiety. Get stronger girls. The lack of self-worth and sense of self-preservation I see here on the sub makes me sad. Take your stand and stick with it. Life's not about following one set path for everyone. There are many journeys to choose from and you never know which one would prove to be more fulfulling for you.

At 28 I wanted a husband, one kid maybe, the whole shebang. After 4 years of building everything from the ground up, I am childfree, manfree, and just want to travel the world, one music fest at a time.

This one time, my ndad threw a whole ass fit while searching his car for a small plastic container of homemade guacamole. He insisted that he had left it there, and wouldn't just let it go.

Eventually, he found it, but damn! All that tantrum over guacamole? I'd have a better time understanding his frustration if it's over lost keys, lost phone, or lost wallet. But even then, he has to take better care of his belongings, including his guacamole.

Trigger Warning: This post discusses psychological manipulation, gaslighting, identity theft, and systematic abuse tactics. Please read with caution.

I had someone in my life who I later discovered was a malignant narcissist. They did everything these predators do, and in the process, I lost all trust in the people around me who I thought I could count on. It was painful, but I eventually had to cut contact not just with them but with many of the people in that social circle who became their weapons against me. Now I'm slowly preparing for my future and healing from what I went through.

What I Learned About Their Psychology and Tactics

After going through this systematically destructive experience, I spent time researching and analyzing their behavior patterns. What I discovered wasn't just someone being difficult—this was calculated psychological warfare designed to steal my identity and destroy my reality.

The Identity Theft That Shocked Me Most The most devastating thing they did was something called "pathological projective identification." They dumped ALL their toxic traits onto me—their shame, anger, instability, and manipulativeness—while simultaneously stealing ALL my positive qualities as if they owned them. My creativity became their brilliant ideas. My empathy became their emotional intelligence. My achievements became accomplishments they took credit for.

What shocked me most was watching them get praised by others for the very qualities they'd stolen from me, while I was being criticized for the negative traits they'd projected onto me. I was being punished for their flaws while they were celebrated for my strengths. It was like watching someone wear my identity like a costume while I was left holding all their psychological garbage.

How They Made Me Question My Sanity: DARVO They used a manipulation pattern called DARVO—Deny what happened ("That never happened"), Attack my credibility ("You're mentally unstable"), and Reverse victim-offender roles ("I'm the real victim here"). I lived through this cycle repeatedly until I started questioning my own memory and perception. Research shows this actually causes brain changes that weaken your ability to process reality.

The Isolation Campaign Perhaps the most painful part was watching them systematically turn my support network against me through smear campaigns. People I trusted became "flying monkeys" who unknowingly carried out their agenda. My friends and family started believing I was the problem, leaving me completely alone. The betrayal wasn't just from the narcissist—it was from an entire network of people I thought cared about me.

How They Contaminated Hope Itself One thing that angered me most was how they weaponized hope. They'd give false promises of change during "hoovering" attempts, then mock hope itself when their lies crumbled. "See? Hope is pointless," they'd say. They wanted me to become as cynical and hopeless as they were internally.

Why I Had to Walk Away Completely

The hardest decision was cutting contact not just with them, but with many people in that social circle. When your own support network has been weaponized against you, sometimes complete withdrawal is the only path to sanity. It wasn't antisocial behavior—it was a survival strategy born from recognizing that staying connected to a contaminated network meant continued exposure to manipulation and retraumatization.

My Journey to Understanding

Now I'm slowly rebuilding my life and preparing for my future. Fortunately, I'm someone who actually enjoys solitude, so I don't feel lonely—which I consider a real blessing in this situation. I've spent a long time alone, processing what happened to me, analyzing their tactics and psychology, and putting it all into writing.

Initially, I had no idea what malignant narcissism was. I couldn't even put into words what had been done to me. When I tried therapy, I couldn't properly explain what I'd experienced. The therapists just diagnosed me with severe depression and said I was "overly sensitive" or "too anxious." It was frustrating because I knew something much more specific and calculated had happened to me, but I lacked the language to describe it.

It took a long journey of research and self-reflection to finally understand that what I experienced was systematic psychological abuse designed to steal my identity and destroy my reality. Learning about malignant narcissism gave me the vocabulary I desperately needed.

I should mention that AI has been incredibly helpful in allowing me to express all of this in language that I can now articulate clearly. Being able to process and organize these complex psychological concepts has been crucial to my healing.

I'm sharing this here because I discovered this community exists, and I hope my experience might help someone else who's going through something similar and struggling to find the words for what happened to them.