Wife just said she wants kids after a long time of being unsure.
Let me preface this by saying im still undecided and if i choose no then im being told it wont end my marriage.
My wife and i have been talking about this for many years and my window to being open to having kids is coming in 2 years. I 32m do not want to have any kids past 35. Im assuming that ill be alive past the childs 18th bday, and i want to actually be able to keep up with a child before they turn 18, and im guessing that i wont be able to when im in my 50’s. Im sure being a parent to a toddler wont be easy in my 40’s but thats something id have to figure out.
In my opinion, there are 0 pros to having a child, only negatives, i understand that people find meaning and hope in having kids, and it brings them joy but i dont understand how. My parents were divorced and my mom wanst there so during my times with her i had to take care of/raise my sister. Shes about 10 years younger than me so i remember a lot of the work taking care of a kid took. Im not sayin that i wouldnt enjoy having a kid, or that i wouldnt care about them, i know that i would love my child and give them every opportunity to succeed and thrive. Id do everything that i could to make their life fun and enjoyable. just dont understand the point to having one.
When weve talked about this previously my opinion has always been “i dont care, if you want one lets have one. Itll be fine”. After talking with her thats not the answer she wants, she wants a definitive yes or no. There are moments when i feel like its a yes, and im like absolutely lets do this, then when i hear a baby screaming, or a toddler throwing a tantrum i wonder why would i wanna put myself through that. Once we have one, its a finality, theres no “i changed my mind”, no redo’s, its forever.
I tell my wife that i want what she wants because i dont want to stop her from experiencing things in life she wants to but she worries that id resent her or the child for having to sacrifice my freedom and time until theyre older. I have 0 trust in her family or my own to take care of a baby and would rather die than let them anywhere near our imaginary child, and she agrees. Wed more or less be alone with raising it except for sitters, nanny’s etc etc. theres also so much more that i want to see in life and we dont get any time back, and life would have to be put on hold while we raise the baby. But i also want my wife to feel fulfilled in her life as well and idk if it would cause her regret staying with me and not having a baby later in life.
I also worry about if something would happen to her with ppd, or complications during pregnancy or birth, my world is her and i dont want anything to happen to her. I also just want her to be happy and would sacrifice most things im my life to make sure shes happy and taken care of. Ive also been debating about telling her yes because i think itll make her happy, but i need to actually decide if i should or not. Im sure id be happy with it, and im sure id treat the baby well, im sure id do everything i could to take care of it, im sure id be happy watching them grow up and get into the things they like to do, but im scared ill lose my own identity in the process and regret not doing the things i wanna do and going to the places i wanna go. How should i approach this.
Edit: i should also mention that ive been checked out and should have no problem on my end conceiving, and shes gunna talk to her ob and see what they can do to check her out