u/Iov_shifter

As a transman, I'm still pre-t, and only out to some of my friends. I'm not out to the others because I know that they might react badly (there's a high chance they're transphobic).

I'm tired of being seen as a girl by the people around me, tired of introducing myself as my deadname to new people 'cause I'm too cowardly to accept myself as I am. That I'm afraid of people in my school or my friends to know that I'm trans.

I want to change that. Maybe starting with little stuff, because I don't think doing my coming out directly would be a good idea. For example I want to change my pronouns on insta from nothing to "he/him". That sounds like nothing but for me it would still be a little step.

But I'm also afraid that some people in my family will notice it. I don't know how they would react. I'll be 18 in three months. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to embrace myself as I am. I want to be me and just don't give a damn about people's opinions.

What can I do to stop being afraid?

NSFW because it can maybe trigger someone to read this so... English isn't my first language so there's maybe some mistakes.

I am 17, and I really need to see a therapist. I bottled everything inside me for years, I tried to avoid the fact that I'm not okay at all, but I just can't anymore. I feel like I'm breaking. I just can't keep up like this. I'm so exhausted, it makes me sick (without really being sick, it happens just when I'm not okay mentally so...). I tried to be optimistic, I really tried, but whatever I do, I feel like it's not working anymore. I'm afraid. I don't think I could do something I shouldn't, I'm probably too afraid to do it, but I'm not even sure about this when I realize how badly things are going downhill. I can't ask my parents for help because they are literally the biggest problem in my life, nor can I ask my family. I know there's people at school (don't remember the name of it) that could maybe help me, but if I really talk about the problem, they will probably call the child protection, which I don't want to because it would make things a lot worse, and if I talk about my feeling in afraid they might send me in an hospital. And I probably wouldn't even have the money for a therapist. I don't know what to do. I just know it can't last much longer like this.

Alright so I'm gonna write a lot because if I've a lot to say about my doubts, about my life, and about my gender identity.

I am a transman. Well, I think so. But there's still doubt, and I'm gonna tell you why by starting to talk about my life from the very beginning. I think that some of my trauma may help so TW: alcoholic & violent emotionally/physically parent, absent parent, mental health maybe, and addiction?

Since my birth, my mom has been an alcoholic, still is. Since my childhood, I've been afraid of her every day. I'm always on my guard, always stressed, never at peace at home except when she's working, something she never used to do until two years ago (she finally found a job). She was physically violent with me, but just hard slaps or she was pulling my hair, but it's been a while since she's stopped and it's really hard that she slaps me now. But she's still emotionally abusive, she always yells at me for nothing, always says it's my fault, insults me, tries to manipulate me by making me feel crazy, etc. And my dad is mostly absent in my life, I never see him, or I do one time every 2/3 years maximum. So I always grow up trying to survive.

When I was a kid I always had been a tomboy, hated girls stuff, hated my names, preferred to hangout with boys than girls because I felt more myself, I was extraverted (I'm not anymore, probably due to traumas), and and I've told my mother a few times that I hope my breasts never get bigger like other girls, and that they always stay flat.

I think I never thought about gender identity because of my mind who was trying to deal with all of this. The first time I questioned my gender was after I discovered people talking about it on the internet, so I'm afraid that I was being "manipulated" (don't remember the word for) by social media etc. Also I forgot but my mom and my uncle believe in conspiracy stuff and so are against lgbtq+, and think they're brain washed by the government etc... so that may be why I'm kinda afraid of that too lol.

I came out to my friends for the first time as gender fluid because I was searching myself when I was 12y, then as a transman at 13y, when I told my family about it, they reacted very badly and so I detransitioned socially. I tried to forget everything about being transgender and never thought about it until months ago, at 17y. Meanwhile, between 13 and and 15, I become addict to character.ai (I'm ashamed of it), and I was always roleplaying as a guy, and mostly it was just me roleplaying about my traumas and my life, that was kinda a sort of therapy (I don't recommend it at all), and then at 15 I discovered a thing that I can't really talk about, but basically I was always thinking about being a man in an another life.

So I thought almost everyday: "doesn't matter if I'm not a man here, I'm gonna be one in another life so yeah, im not trans haha"

It's been two years, and it's hard to not being able to live as a man. But the things is I'm not even sure I feel like a man internally, yes I want to be one, but sometimes I feel feminine as fuck and I hate it.

Anyways I started to reconsider the fact that I could be trans after a friend told me he is trans, and since then it never left me. I now have dysphoria when, in my daily life, I don't think I had dysphoria before, I don't know. So I'm kinda lost. Am I really trans? Or am I being manipulated or maybe I'm just losing my mind.

I won't say I loved being a girl, but I don't think it bothered me, and I was a really pretty girl, so maybe it's that too. But now I don't know. Being called by my, let's say " feminine name", or called ma'am just feel so uncomfortable.

I know I should see a therapist, but I can't right now, and I don't think I can't wait that long. I probably need help with my mental health too. Yeah.

I don't know who I am. But I think I'm a guy. And maybe I'm just overthinking stuff too much and should just accept myself as I am. That's a possibility.

I want to know how y'all experience with gender euphoria. People live this differently so yeah, I guess I'm just curious if any of y'all share some stuff in common. It can be in your daily life, random moments, whatever.

Gonna share mine too as a pre-t:

- Leaning against a wall/desk

- Wearing hood

- When a man I don't know nods at me or we share a handshake

- Eating a lot (depends but sometimes)

- Giving up my seat on the subway (discovered this could be gender euphoria af when I got to Paris)

- Messy hair in the morning

- Drinking coffee while watching the sunset in my kitchen

And more but I forgot

I am 17, pre-t. This weekend I went to Paris with my mom. The bus driver asked my mother if I was her son, because we looked very much alike, and everyone was gendering me correctly, some called me "young man", etc and I've never felt so much euphoria. I never knew I passed so well and I'm happy I do

I don't even know if a religion exists for this, but I don't know where else I could ask.

How is it called when someone believes that everything exists and doesn't exist simultaneously? I believe that everything exists and doesn't exist at the same time because I believe in the multiverse, that there's an infinity of realities (and multiverse), where things can happen in one, and other things can happen in another.

For example, I believe that every religion exists, in a reality (and/or multiverse), Christianity would be the truth, and an another one it wouldn't and the truth would be pagan religion, and in an another reality there's no religion that is true.

I tagged this post NSFW because I don't know if it can trigger someone, it may contain dysphoria topic so... I prefer to warn y'all.

I might explain myself very badly because i don't know how to phrase it and english isn't my first language either.

Alright, so i don't know if it's a sort of dysphoria, if it's something maybe common or not but am I the only one who sometimes, when I think about my gender (or not, it depends) I feel feminine? It's like I feel that I have a feminine energy, and I hate it, I don't know if it's because of my body, I'm not sure about that, but it makes me so uncomfortable, and I just wish I could not feel that way. Then, when I feel more "masculine" again, I feel myself, I feel more than okay with it and I've gender euphoria.

I wrote this around 1 a.m., and English is not my native language, so there may be some mistakes.

Waking up, every day.

Repeating the same pattern, again.

Take a look in the mirror.

But it isn't your reflection.

Only a stranger —

Who tries to lock up a memory.

A m̶e̶m̶o̶r̶y̶, who's driving away slowly.

It fights the shadow and the mist,

Screams its name, succumbs.

Bury him, yet he cannot perish.

An immortal being, he suffocates.

Live and die again.

People want to bury him forever.

This angel: so full of life, so hopeful,

But poor creature, his wings were torn off.

Born this way, called a fallen angel...

But he never has been one.

So he nails down his own wings.

He struggles to fly; his compeers notices it.

They rejected him, so the angel went away.

He became human.

Something's wrong.

There are these scars, on his back.

He doesn't remember it,

But his mind cannot forget.

Deep feeling in his chest; his mind is torn off.

Chained, in his head, his wings were.

He dreams, clings to the hope,

That, one day, he'll be able to free them.

A promise, he made.

Feathers fall from the sky,

He finally flies.

Well the question is literally in the title. I am a trans person, and it's only recently that I've finally managed to admit it to myself. My family, who are rather strong believers in "conspiracy" things, think that obviously being transgender (or being LGBTQ) is wrong, a manipulation etc. Since this subject affects me personally, what they say about it also affects me a lot, and I'm afraid that they're right. But I've never felt more myself and happy since I finally accepted that I am transgender. So, in spirituality, is it wrong?