u/LiFRiz

I have been working out of the country during the summer for 6 years with no issue until I accidentally called my boss with my second sim card. He put two and two together and told me to return before I get caught and to ask for permission next time. The next time I asked for permission HR denied it and said it's against company policy.

I know that getting caught now would be putting my job at risk. If I install a VPN and get a second phone for my other sim card is there any way they can find out?

Growing up I was always addicted to video games specifically grinding ranked. I derived immense pleasure and self value from climbing the ranks. Most of my teenage & college years were self isolation playing 8 hours a day.

After starting my career that leaves me at a computer all day I shifted from gaming to physical activities. The thing that concerns me is I get into these hypomanic bursts where I perfectly optimize my day so that I'm productive every waking moment then when I crash realize a lot of my activities feel more like keeping busy instead of having fun.

Here is my standard day outside of work.

Roller skating lessons - Monday

Rock Climbing - Tuesday & Thursday

Lifting - Wednesday, Friday, & Sunday

Vocal Lessons - Monday (also practice 30 minutes a day)

Guitar Lessons - Sunday (also practice 30 minutes a day)

This schedule keeps me intensively busy to the point that I can't have a moment alone with my thoughts. How do I know what I actually enjoy vs what I do for social validation? I think lifting, vocals, and guitar fall in that category.

I've realized I can never truly be happy until I am able to fix this. I've quit porn & masturbation entirely which have been going well. Can I have a healthy FWB or should I quit that as well?

I have been working for 6 years as a software engineer. I truly hate my job but am too burned out to study/apply for new jobs. I have nobody dependent on me and have citizenship in my parents home country. I used to work there 2 months every summer until my job caught on and said I can't anymore. I'm still young at 28 and can't imagine putting a single second longer at my company.

Would I be stupid to just quit, move there, and grind LeetCode/SDA until I find something new in Europe? I have saved enough to keep me unemployed for 5 years in cash especially with the lower cost of living over there. Either way it is my ultimate goal to move there as I am no longer happy in the states.

Everything on paper is perfect. I have friends & family, a successful career, own a home, and have physically active hobbies. I have not felt happy since 2023. I tell myself the only thing that I'm missing is a relationship but even when I get one where everything is checked it's not enough. I suspect anhedonia. All of my friends feel surface level to the point that I can't get more than 3 people to show up to a birthday party. My career has taken a nosedive with AI and my day feels like I fill it to keep myself busy to avoid my thoughts. My hobbies feel like a distraction more than something I enjoy. I'm tired.

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/cscareerquestions/s/lgzVu74gmq

The very PR i talked about in this post broke an API that users use. It's almost like 6,000 additions and 3,000 removals can't be reviewed in 4 days before deploying to Prod! Will anything change? Nope just more criticism over reviewing carefully. Is there any way to actually facilitate change or do I kick my feet back?

- introduction

For some context I'm a 28 year old man. I've only been in 2 romantic relationships and they have both followed the same nosedive. I originally blamed the first one on being younger at 19, but now that it's happened again I've realized it's a pattern I need to unlearn. I've struggled with mental health for most of my life but have zero discipline or impulse control leading to me quitting anything as soon as it gets too hard. The following analysis is a comprehensive summary of all the reflecting I have done over the years combined with the principles I've learned watching content online.

- my single life ("low arousal state" / anxious attachment / low ego)

The last 14 years of my life have been a hedonistic existence where I fill every waking moment with video games, doom scrolling, porn, alcohol, dating apps, sex, and drugs. I've become painfully aware that I never learned how to regulate my emotions but rather avoid any feeling that might pop in my head. While single I am in a "low arousal state" and exhibit traits of anxious attachment because I'm lonely and have low self-esteem. This leads me to wanting a relationship purely to escape myself and live vicariously through someone else.

- getting to know someone ("optimal zone" / fearful avoidant attachment / medium ego)

Once I've met someone who reciprocates romantic interest in me everything is amazing as I enter the "optimal zone" while starting to exhibit traits of fearful avoidance. These fearful tendencies seem to be rooted in my inability to regulate my emotions regardless of whether they are positive or negative. I convince myself I need to withhold any emotional connection until I am truly sure that this is the right person for me which is just a form of procrastination and protecting myself from being hurt. This doesn't stop me from believing that my partner has fixed my issues leading to becoming dependent on their attention driving me to quitting therapy and discarding the emotional support of friends. I resonated with the concept of "limerence" where I get infatuated extremely fast with someone and they become my soul source of validation and emotional support.

- entering a relationship ("high arousal state" / dismissive avoidant attachment / high ego / manic behavior)

Once an official label is established my negative tendencies begin where we enter a vicious cycle of my partner trying to strengthen our connection which triggers my anxiety leading to me indulging in more video games and porn to numb my feelings pushing them further away. This is where I switch to a "high arousal state" due to the stress of not being unable to meet my partner's needs. An example of this is I can recall multiple moments where I truly felt so happy and loved that it hurt me physically causing me to instinctively to look away or ignore the moment. Instead of reciprocating any affection my partner gives me I instead internalize it to feed my ego and leave them feeling dismissed. I also strangely get obsessed with my work and hobbies which could be due to the elevated ego baseline or a fear of complacency and needing to be the best version of myself before settling down. In this stage I also tend to indulge in "micro-cheating as a defense mechanism of keeping my options open in the event it doesn't work instead of actually sorting out the underlying issues. A part of this could be attributed to my "limerence" I previously mentioned where I start to think my perfect person wouldn't keep coming to tell me they're unhappy when I'm happy so maybe they aren't my person? It's strange to explain but this stage truly feels like an out-of-body manic episode where I'm know I'm messing things up but unable to slow my mind down enough to think critically. Any communication between my partner and I becomes a one-way conversation of me dumping every thought in my head ignoring any attempt at them to respond.

- breakup ("optimal zone" / secure attachment / medium ego)

Finally, the relationship reaches a critical point where I can't avoid my partner's expectations and feelings anymore. They are confronting me about being unhappy with increasing frequency and intensity leaving me feeling backed into a corner. Once I've ran out of ways to avoid the situation the only trick left up my sleeve to relieve my anxiety is break up with them on the spot. This is the ultimate relief where I can finally run away from the "high arousal state" and just focus on my career and hobbies with my new baseline ego that I internalized from my partner's affection. I think a part of me also thinks that because of how badly they fought to make things work that I can easily come back whenever I want resetting the relationship back to the beginning with no deep emotional expectations. This is evident by the fact that I never actually delete their contact, messages, or pictures as I enter a state of denial of what I've actually done.

- breaking no contact to test access ("low arousal state" / anxious attachment / low ego)

This temporary escape doesn't last long as no longer receiving emotional labor from my partner returns me to the "low arousal state" which in turn brings back all of my feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem. Once I can no longer regulate the feelings of insecurity I reach out trying to get back together with the person I just dumped not even sure whether I'm truly ready to make it work or just wanting another hit of the ego boost. While I was in denial of what I've done they've already had time to process the breakup and actually purged me from their lives leading to a rejection of getting back together. The final rejection ultimately leads to me begging, love bombing, and future faking as much as I can to try and reenter the relationship while still not addressing any of the issues we had.

- conclusion

My main reason for documenting this cycle I repeat is to organize my thoughts for my therapist but also to hear more about other's experiences. Like I mentioned I attributed this behavior to being young and dumb after my first relationship but now that I can no longer use that excuse I realize it is probably due to my inability to regulate my emotions and racing intrusive thoughts. My current plan is to cut all shot-term dopamine activities out of my life and slowly develop some healthier habbits. Has anyone else experienced this kind of relationship lifecycle? Is it possible to have a form of bipolar disorder where you only enter manic episodes when in a loving relationship?

I've been bullet journaling on and off since 2022 and I've come to realize I think it does more harm than good for me. Something about keeping a journal with to-do lists and habit trackers with me wherever I go seems to just stress me out more and gives me another chore to maintain as if there aren't enough. Does anyone else feel this way or is this a skill issue?

I wonder if this would have any lasting improvements.

I feel like it would help explain your experience and choices.

I'm a software engineer in America making decent money but I hate every waking moment I'm awake. I'm fully remote and spent 3 months working in Europe this year and it was bliss until my manager found out and told me to return. I came back but regretted not just quitting on the spot. Does anyone else feel this way or am I stupid?

I work at a Fortune 500 company and every PR is 7,000 additions and 3,000 removals. I haven't reviewed PR in the last year and just auto approve everything. Is this sustainable? Am I losing the race with AI?

I bought all of the following recently on sale at Sun and Ski and it was still a lot more than I was expecting it to be. Wanted to see if other people also splurged for higher quality gear or if you saved out.

• Total: $1410.56
  • Board: Kazu Kokubo ($490)
  • Bindings: Union STR ($140)
  • Boots: Ride Lasso's ($266)
  • Helmet: Salomon Driver Prime Sigma Plus ($315)
  • Bag: Dakine Tour ($92)

I definitely could have saved on the helmet but I liked the fact that it had the built in goggles. Would it have been better to get used gear or am I better off for getting quality gear I like? Been having second thoughts over how much I spent.

- introduction

For some context I'm a 28 year old man. I've only been in 2 romantic relationships and they have both followed the same nosedive. I originally blamed the first one on being younger at 19, but now that it's happened again I've realized it's a pattern I need to unlearn. I've struggled with mental health for most of my life but have zero discipline or impulse control leading to me quitting anything as soon as it gets too hard. The following analysis is a comprehensive summary of all the reflecting I have done over the years combined with the principles I've learned watching content online.

- my single life ("low arousal state" / anxious attachment / low ego)

The last 14 years of my life have been a hedonistic existence where I fill every waking moment with video games, doom scrolling, porn, alcohol, dating apps, sex, and drugs. I've become painfully aware that I never learned how to regulate my emotions but rather avoid any feeling that might pop in my head. While single I am in a "low arousal state" and exhibit traits of anxious attachment because I'm lonely and have low self-esteem. This leads me to wanting a relationship purely to escape myself and live vicariously through someone else.

- getting to know someone ("optimal zone" / fearful avoidant attachment / medium ego)

Once I've met someone who reciprocates romantic interest in me everything is amazing as I enter the "optimal zone" while starting to exhibit traits of fearful avoidance. These fearful tendencies seem to be rooted in my inability to regulate my emotions regardless of whether they are positive or negative. I convince myself I need to withhold any emotional connection until I am truly sure that this is the right person for me which is just a form of procrastination and protecting myself from being hurt. This doesn't stop me from believing that my partner has fixed my issues leading to becoming dependent on their attention driving me to quitting therapy and discarding the emotional support of friends. During this time my mind also plays tricks on me nitpicking every detail about my partner I once found charming and I begin letting my gaze wander to other women probably due to being used to discarding women once I've gotten what I want out of them.

- entering a relationship ("high arousal state" / dismissive avoidant attachment / high ego / manic behavior)

Once an official label is established my negative tendencies begin where we enter a vicious cycle of my partner trying to strengthen our connection which triggers my anxiety leading to me indulging in more video games and porn to numb my feelings pushing them further away. This is where I switch to a "high arousal state" due to the stress of not being unable to meet my partner's needs. An example of this is I can recall multiple moments where I truly felt so happy and loved that it hurt me physically causing me to instinctively to look away or ignore the moment. Instead of reciprocating any affection my partner gives me I instead internalize it to feed my ego and leave them feeling dismissed. I also strangely get obsessed with my work and hobbies which could be due to the elevated ego baseline or a fear of complacency and needing to be the best version of myself before settling down. In this stage I also tend to indulge in "micro-cheating as a defense mechanism of keeping my options open in the event it doesn't work instead of actually sorting out the underlying issues. It's strange to explain but this stage truly feels like an out-of-body manic episode where I'm know I'm messing things up but unable to slow my mind down enough to think critically. Any communication between my partner and I becomes a one-way conversation of me dumping every thought in my head ignoring any attempt at them to respond.

- breakup ("optimal zone" / secure attachment / medium ego)

Finally, the relationship reaches a critical point where I can't avoid my partner's expectations and feelings anymore. They are confronting me about being unhappy with increasing frequency and intensity leaving me feeling backed into a corner. Once I've ran out of ways to avoid the situation the only trick left up my sleeve to relieve my anxiety is break up with them on the spot. This is the ultimate relief where I can finally run away from the "high arousal state" and just focus on my career and hobbies with my new baseline ego that I internalized from my partner's affection. I think a part of me also thinks that because of how badly they fought to make things work that I can easily come back whenever I want resetting the relationship back to the beginning with no deep emotional expectations. This is evident by the fact that I never actually delete their contact, messages, or pictures as I enter a state of denial of what I've actually done.

- breaking no contact to test access ("low arousal state" / anxious attachment / low ego)

This temporary escape doesn't last long as no longer receiving emotional labor from my partner returns me to the "low arousal state" which in turn brings back all of my feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem. Once I can no longer regulate the feelings of insecurity I reach out trying to get back together with the person I just dumped not even sure whether I'm truly ready to make it work or just wanting another hit of the ego boost. While I was in denial of what I've done they've already had time to process the breakup and actually purged me from their lives leading to a rejection of getting back together. The final rejection ultimately leads to me begging, love bombing, and future faking as much as I can to try and reenter the relationship while still not addressing any of the issues we had.

- conclusion

My main reason for documenting this cycle I repeat is to organize my thoughts for my therapist but also to hear more about other's experiences. Like I mentioned I attributed this behavior to being young and dumb after my first relationship but now that I can no longer use that excuse I realize it is probably due to my inability to regulate my emotions. My current plan is to cut all shot-term dopamine activities out of my life and slowly develop a regulated emotional system. Has anyone else experienced this kind of relationship lifecycle? Is it possible to have a form of bipolar disorder where you only enter manic episodes when in a loving relationship?

I've already decided to quit porn and it's going well so far. Should I also quit casual hookups as they're still unhealthy in terms of a lack of emotional intimacy? My ultimate goal is to learn to be a more emotionally available partner.

In the Witcher 1 you can import saves to Withcher 2. if i play Withcer 1 remaster will is till be able to import into Witcher 2?

My addiction has led to severe depression in addition to ruining every romantic relationship I've had by leaving me emotionally numb. I have decided that I'll never be happy until I can kick this but wondering if it'll take months, years, or even a decade to finally start seeing improvement.

I know a lot of people say to practice gratitude but if I only discuss my positive I'll just be avoiding processing my emotions.

On the other hand if I let myself dwell too much on the negatives I'll only be spiraling emotionally.