u/Waste-Reality7356

I unfortunately became afraid of communicating with people.

Are they nice to me on the phone because on the phone I speak fluent german?

I just cancelled an doctors appointment because I was so afraid of whom would be working there, although the staff was friendly on the phone.

I'm not doing well and I have struggles to outreach to someone or schedule an appointment.

I feel like all the energy I spend with trying to fill out online formulars is wasted. I need to do something but somehow I'm not able to write and apply or ask for help.

I really wonder what I could do and small events make me sad like loosing something worth $1. I see it as a proof that Im only doing mistakes.

Right now Im so distanced from my family and have no friends.

I don t know where to start.

I was complety thrown off earlier because it reminded me of a massive boundary violation of a white couple.

Im dealing with other violations too and tbh I do not know how I can defend myself. I feel so lost.

Maybe Im traumatised by all the racism and Id need help dealing with that. I just want my old self back. I used to be so powerful.

I think men have it easier in dating. And I think marriage can be can be like a huge win for them.

Where as a woman I think:

Ok, I'm expected to have sex after the first date.

And all the stories come into my mind of unhappy relationships, articles I've read about boyfriends attempting to kill their former girlfriend.

Blackmailing with nudes.

Or the question of a woman on a forum for legal advice " My ex punched me in the face, but I don't wanna sue him"

Or the story of a friend whose mom was divorced for a 20 year old by her husband.

Then I think about the justice systeme. How protected offenders are.

And how unprotected women are. It doesn't matter if pretty or ugly.

I see men vent online. Women talking about how they are getting bullied by other women.

And by the time a man approachs me or looks at me I'm really exhausted.

I think in the 1920es therapy was for people who were perceived as mentally extremely disabled.

I think where I'm from people have called it for people being "crazy" and out of touch.

Cant find a proper translation.

I also often find that therapy and medicine has been kind of... misogynistic?

Think of victims of abuse, who were met with made up syndromes just to gaslight them to say what they experienced hasn't been real.

Often times women were accused of being "emotional" or labeled "hysterical" when they really just had a normal reaction.

Why also don't we talk about how psychology was tested for bad reasons, finding ways how to effectly manipulating people?

I just feel that the public is missing something about therapy, but I cannot name it yet.

I believed that "I'm ill".

That I had their misdiagnosis and therefor needed to do therapy.

But the therapists I found were unprofessional and often lacked depth.

It's not only the public health industry. Where I'm from there are thousands of registered clubs who say they offer social support.

One "support" I got was to ask them for help. She interviewed me. Said she would get back in 3 months. After 8 months I wrote her an mail.

She said " I can't recall our call. Schedule another appointment. I'm not able to answer when we'd get back"

When I call crisis hotline they tell me to see a therapist.

They question me. Say " I wouldn't want to wait for 6 months"

then I say " waiting 6 months would be fine. But they do not get back after a year". Or say directly they won't help me.

Why? Maybe because everyone is told to seek therapy and realises they might profit from it, so therapists now can select their clients.

I'm also unfortunately have a bad insurance (Europe). Maybe things would change if I pay therapists without insurance covering the costs.

Anyways, because I was searching for help within the framework of the systeme, I completely neglected my private life.

Now I do not have a private life anymore.

Now I really would need help. But there is nothing I can rely on.

Therapy.

Yes, but what is when the doctor labeled your thoughts on suicide as not severe enough?

What is when the therapists you got to know couldn't help you?

They just sit there with their sheet of paper making notes.

What is when u reach out and they put you on a waiting list and never get back?

What is when they offer 1 get to know appointment and then fire you?

What is when also other agencies didn't help?

There are tons of organisation who say they offer assistance but all they do is make me relive my trauma by having to tell it over and over again for them to decide if its "severe enough".

Just for them to say " We are sorry. We do not deal with your case. You are (Reason), we don't help with (reason). Go to (insert other organisation)"

What is when YOU also aren't able to trust those agencies anymore because the staff working there PRETENDS to be nice, but is unreliable af and never REALLY holds your back?

Just says " Visit therapy" and offers solution within the systeme but the options of the systeme don't alter anything and just create data.

I feel stupid for saying so. or even doing so. But after having so many negative experiences ... I just stopped responding to one of them.

I was in a laundry store and she kinda berated me for taking all the laundry baskets. She just entered and I was the only one there. I was about to give them back, but she already said something... I didn't talk back.

After a while she took place behind me. She looked at my clothes, while I was already about to go and she asked me "What kind of flower is that?"

I was going to gift someone a flower, so I brought it with me. It is one of my favorite flowers. But I didn't tell her its name.

I ignored her.

I'm sorry.

edit: damn, I didn't wanna be a b****

after I got out of the laundry, I returned and told her the name of the flower

Honestly I feel alienated from this sub.
The hoarding advices do not help me. The 'ordinary' decluttering doesn't help.

It's also weirdly imbalanced, cos I have no food at home atm except pastas, but piles of stuff, I'd want to throw away, but cant. Not because I like them so much, but because I'm living in an abusive environment, where I'm afraid to go outside.

I feel so help and hopeless.

I do not know how to deal with the crushing loneliness I' feeling.

I cannot relate to anyone here, because atleast you have something going in your life.

A job, even when it's not paying well.

A relationship, a boyfriend, a girlfriend.

Or a family.

Sometimes people post pictures of their home and I always admire how tidy it is.

I do not even think it's because of autism.

I'm so isolated and cannot even engage in my interests.

It also sucks to live in a place with no infrastructure and hospitals being far away.

Evertything is a pain where I live and how I live.

I notice that I'm during a conversation always extremely stressed. I have to be hyperalert due various reason.

I'm actually never relaxed when I speak to someone which leads to me dismissing myself.

" Is what I say good enough?" ? Is what I share a benefit to someone?" " will I be misunderstood?"

That leads to the fact that after the stress (people) are gone I'm able to actually think of what I'd like to have said.

I also notice that common folks tend to be quick and confident to grab an opportunity, while I'm always considering if I'm able to do so. That leads often to the fact that loud people will take the lead, but not neccessary good or skilled people.

I'm not sure what to say. I'd just like to talk to someone. I have no friends anymore and my morning is already starting bad.

I took part in the night at an online meeting and it has been targeted by people (young men) who want to disturb online meetings and I guess it just makes me feel sad.

Does Aspergers also come with delayed emotional processing?

because I have no friends and cannot talk with anyone.

It makes my negative selftalk louder and I'm feeling depressed because of it.

I also feel lonely because of the "patriarchy"

And I cannot even talk with someone about it.

I'm feeling so fucking lost because there is no one who cares about me. No one I could ask for advice. All what is left seems to be reddit. people from far away. people who might leave a comment but then also disappear like everyone else

How to deal with the guilt. I wish someone had an answer

I usually am able to reply here but I've lost all agency. My mental health is eroding and I got no help. I'm trying to do something but in the past it made everything worse. I'm afraid to take action now

I was called by two different men " aggressive".

In one instance it had been of a group of people and in one another instance it was when I was buying something.

I wasn't being aggressive at all.

I'm not even sure how to flair this.

In the group setting the group of men had been intimidating me as they blocked my way.

And in the other instance I also wasn't aggressive. I've heard women being called aggressive and I think it's just another form of " You are too emotional" but I feel very irritated because they had been the one being aggressive.

I wish I could take with someone about what has happened and I hate spamming this sub with my vents.

Update:

I'm no longer searching for someone to talk as I do not wanna overwhelm someone and I think this time involving a third neutral party is neccessary. Thank you for all who wanted to help out.

OP:

I was attacked and gaslighted by security staff. I remember that there is an organisation for helping PoC in Berlin, but I do not remember the name

I can't disclose everything what happened but I'd be happy if I could talk to someone my age (30) and gender as it has also been a sexistic attack.

During the past years I experienced the following:

• being honest will lead to information being used against you
• asking for what you need will lead to being perceived as 'difficult' and punishment
• trusting people will lead to abuse
• saying no will be viewed as a personal attack and will backfire
• I do not wanna answer phonecalls. There is a reason for not wanting something to be written and the information often times was just wrong, when I had made a call

For me interacting with humans became a warzone.

Currenrly I'm unmedicated and in severe emotional pain. I'm unemployed and have no access to mobility (public transport not working). Despite having lots of time I always miss opportunities which could be actually helpful. But often times I'm just dissociated, trying desperately to grab for help. I'm not getting help through the MH field. No Family. No Friends.

I'm living in a village where two women started lying about me to the point I've become afraid to go outside. On top of that I have zero motivation. I tried to reach out, ask for help, be vuonerable and it was used against me. I need help and can't live like this anymore but to get out of this, I'd need to write mails and schedule appointments which I'm not able to because I'm convinced everything I do, is wrong.

To make things worse my IT isn't working properly, which makes it hard to do necessary communication and I'm living so far away from the city that I cannot use public infrastructure.

I think what is crushing me is the repeated experiences to have put trust in the wrong people. And also the loss of energy and agency.

On top of that I just find it hard to live as a woman, because your struggles are constantly dismissed and belittled, without ever being allowed to talk about what is happening.

Might delete.

someone suggested me to reach out to someone who would help me get an assessment.

But I'm afraid and I'm feeling very incapable. It's just that I need help but am very limited.

I also wished a forler friend from highschool happy birthday and she just replied with " thanks".

Her birthday is one after mine and she didn't wish me happy birthday.

My apartment is very cluttered and so much is going wrong. I do not know where to start because everywhere is clutter and I cannot go outside because outside doesn't feel safe either

I'm sad because I tried to help at an event. I really had that in mind but when the organisor told me " yeah u can come, but I dont know if I will have work for you" that kicked me so off that I just tried to go home but I couldn't get home because I was so stressed by being outside in public and the noise of the city.

Its almost 8 pm here... and Again I wasnt able to do anything meaningful. I truely hate my life

I guess I'm just looking for some kind of support because I'm feeling sad and extremely misunderstood.

Unfortunately I developed a hoarding pattern.

I wasn't always like that, but it happened over time. I know the reasons behind that disorder or rather how I think a symptom of something deeper.

I feel very alone in this pattern and I also feel lost.

There is so much clutter. I'm constantly getting distracted. I think that how your apartment or housing looks says a lot about your inner world and I guess I'm surprised and shocked what has happened.

She cancelled an appointment We scheduled 4-6 months ago, and the secretary just called me to tell me, they'd decline the appointment. No rescheduling, the doctor would be "sick".

I actually had a bad gut feeling about it the whole time but I didn't want to cancel it because of the want to be "responsible".

Anyhow the psychiatrist who ditched me hide a diagnosis from me yrs ago. She told me "she didn't wanna make things worse" But it would have been the opposite of course.

I stayed with her out of "conveniance" but I've letters here where I wrote her how much it hurt me that she hide for years a dx from me. I'm not even sure if I should ask for a prescription for meds again.

I was actually have been waiting for months for that appointment. And I cancelled an appointment for assessment of ASD in May because I felt I couldn't handle two appointments.

I feel hurt but at the same time I think I should have known it better.

She also looked disgusted at me the last time I enterer her room so idk what has happened.

I need support 🥺

update:

I made it to a beautiful spot. I can breathe here.

Hello,

I enjoy the discussions of this sub, but at the same I do not find the solution I'm hoping for.

Where to find community? Where to find a healthy relationship? How to deal with your past?

I'm absolutely isolated and overwhelmed.

I reached out. I asked for help. And in 99% of the time this led to further punishment by the MH field.

Where are we outcasts supposed to go? I don't find an answer to that.

I wish therapy had worked.

I do not know how I'm supposed to pull myself out of a rut and the way relationships are primarly formed is hurtful.

I hate it, when you finally have the energy to decluter and throw stuff away.

Everyone encourages you to just let go amd forces you to go through the pain of letting go and throwing stuff away, but no one is there for you when you fucking need a thing you threw away.

I'm searching for a bill. I do not even need it. But having it handy would have helped me as there were contact informations I had to google when I could have just looked at the bill.

I know its nothing serious. But still it's a pain. I do not wanna go go the bin amd search for the bill. Yet it feels like I could "save" something I needed earlier.

It happens everytime I decluter that I will need an item right after it and it makes me so angry.