u/foreverand2025

I spent most of my life in an unhealthy marriage. Getting into online dating was exciting at first as I had more luck than I expected and went on a number of first and second dates with a lot of different types of women.

However even the two women I had a couple month relationship, I could tell something was off. At least the chemistry was good. But it often felt like an effort or that I had to be “on” to keep things working. I felt valued by these women (and I’ll clarify that I dated them at separate times), but one the moment I needed a couple days to myself and couldn’t keep up with texts, calls etc they took issue with me. The other basically let me show all the initiative and wanted to talk about themselves a lot - at least I got the space and they did nice things for me. But I could tell there were a few other red flags I won’t mention here and both times it sort of felt like more work than an early relationship would be.

Now I’m not saying the person I’m dating now is perfect or even that things will work out long term, though I hope they do. But my god it is SO nice to date a healthy functional adult! Someone who communicates clearly. Carries there end of a conversation without having to try. Is understanding of needing space at times and has their own lives. And talks and behaves like a functional adult. Honestly part of me had to very briefly grieve for a moment that I didn’t spend my life surrounded by people like this, but, I am really happy to have found one now.

Late 30s male dating a woman just slightly younger. Two great dates with a third planned. And lots of good long texting conversations in between. We haven’t kissed yet but snuggled some, we’re both chatty but I think a bit shy or just embracing the slow burn with the physicality. Our next planned date is more intimate.

I’m divorced but waited an adequate time, did counseling, and had a rebound period. I mention this to reference the fact I’ve been out of the game most my adult life. I also was in a marriage that the last few years were pretty void of love and affection on her end, which may color how I perceive things now.

So, after the first date, I’ve been getting good morning texts each morning. It’s actually quite nice to know someone is thinking of me when they wake up. At one point I did think, as this woman is very attractive and a great conversationalist, is she texting good morning to multiple men? Not that I have a problem with that - we haven’t had any talk about being exclusive. But then on our second date she brought up that she isn’t seeing anyone else.

I dated another woman, one date, who also said good morning every day to me. However we had too many logistical challenges and distance so wound up breaking that off. Another woman I went on one date with asked me if I could text her every day - however she wasn’t really my type so I politely told her no.

I’m just very not used to this. Is everyone into it? She wakes up before me and I’ve made a point to initiate texting first in the evening. I’ve also planned all our dates which is genuinely fine as I like picking out stuff to do and know the restaurant scene. So I don’t think it’s too lopsided? But is there some unexpected rule that I’m supposed to get a good morning text in early sometimes, as in going first?

Also is there any implication about things maybe being more likely to get serious behind this? Or should I not over think it?

Let’s say this is a hypothetical situation.

Me: male, 30s, divorced from someone who withheld affection (did counseling and took time and already had a rebound relationship), kids (50/50 split), no real problem getting dates and interested only in women my age who also want a LTR.

Let’s say there are two women, Amy and Bell.

Amy has no kids, a very small social circle, but also admits her preference was to find someone without kids and she never wanted kids. But she’s open to someone with kids and had a LTR with a single dad before and even was involved in the kids life. She has a very care free spirit but works a reliable job and has her own place. An at least moderate amount of emotional baggage which isn’t her fault (tough upbringing, past relationships with losers), and doesn’t trauma dump but does undoubtably carry some of that baggage.

On paper, Amy is probably not someone I’d think of as an obviously right for me. And I’m also not her type. But our time together has been really, really fun, lots of outdoor adventure, cuddling, easy flowing conversation. We don’t necessarily share interests but have an easy time talking about anything and nothing. The chemistry is quite obviously mutually there (no sex yet but close - I told her let’s wait because I don’t want to rush).

Bell, on the other hand, is someone who seems like a really great match on paper. We have had really stimulating intellectual conversations. We both have crazy ex’s and had a quick understanding of what each other have been through and I feel are able to handle each other with care (so to speak) as a result. One thing really admirable about Bell is she has been through a very difficult marriage like me, and seems to have clearly come out as a strong, independent person. In that realm, she’s not quirky like Amy and is overall just a sharp, relatable person. There is chemistry but it’s more of a slow burn thing, she’s also more shy overall. There isn’t the same sort of rush of excitement but the emotional connection is something I feel can grow over time and I really like how intelligent she is.

There’s less spark with Bell but we’ve also spent less time together and have snuggled a little but not kissed yet.

Both women are very attractive so looks isn’t a factor. Amy is a little bit more my type but looks isn’t even important to me, and I’d like them both even if they weren’t so good looking.

My questions:

1. How many dates or time until you feel you know someone is good for a LTR?

2. Do you decide based on who you feel more chemistry with and have a more fun connection? Or objectively have a moment saying “what’s really making sense here”?

Also, one last thing. I’m open about the fact I’m not exclusive and won’t sleep with anyone until I am. Both women have told me they’re still on the apps but not meeting anyone, but both also told me the other dates they went on fell totally flat and they don’t feel like online dating has been that easy for them. I could see how Amy’s sort of eccentric personality could lead to that but I’m a bit shocked both women aren’t dating a lot more as they’re both very good looking and a blast to talk to and hang out with. In all honesty it worries me a touch if they’re really into me because they feel like I’m the only good option. For whatever reason I haven’t really had issues getting dates, maybe some luck involved, but after several first dates these are definitely the two women where things clicked.

Thanks for any input and advice. Also from my experience here let me just say I did take time after my divorce, I didn’t do anything terrible in my past marriage, I am not a player, and generally please don’t roast me for no reason if you can help it.

I'm a guy, 30s, was married give or take 15 years, have kids, long separation then divorce, I already had a "rebound period" and took a break and now back to dating with the intent of finding a LTR. I am a regular guy, have not had a problem getting dates, and match women my age of all different kinds of backgrounds.

So I have had 3 dates now where I get to know a woman over chat for a week and we meet for something low key. I always tell people ask me whatever you want over chat and try to do a quick phone call before we meet to make sure people are real (you never know in 2026 lol) and there is a little bit of a vibe.

And on these dates, like literally within 10 minutes of meeting in person, they want to know all about my failed marriage. Just to be clear, I never did anything terrible (cheat, aggressive, withdraw love, etc) in my marriage. Wasn't perfect, but pretty overtly was my ex who wanted to go live the life of a single person, and despite trying for the kids' sake, nothing I could do to change her mind. Like anyone else who learned to develop self-respect and regardless had no choice but to move on, I did move on and do not want her back and also am not bitter. Did counseling, took time before dating, all the things.

Problem is, these women want basically a deep dive into the mechanics of my marriage, typically at a crowded restaurant or coffee place. But then when the question is flipped later on them, they don't want to talk about their past relationships. For the record I've had as many normal dates where ex's don't come up as well. I just find talking about the details of my failed marriage very early on a first date to not be the best way to get to know someone, though I've been forthcoming because I don't want to withhold info and I do understand they want to know I guess if I cheated, am not serious about relationships, or something...

I just find it something more appropriate to either ask about before we meet, or at least where we have privacy to talk, and maybe after a first date. I'm not really into being nosy about this stuff on a first date but 2 of the women after I spilled all my tea at their request (because I'd rather not spend so much of a first date talking about my ex), I asked why they got divorced, and it's literally a 2 sentence answer that it was the guy's fault and they change the subject. Like at that point, why are you grilling me?

Anyway does this happen to anyone else?

This is not a nihilistic post but a genuine question. For example, match.com you can search your are and age and see like 500 profiles. Let’s say I send 100 likes and 10 messages. A week later if nothing lead anywhere, is there a point in continuing to try?

Feels like match has a lot more paid members. I am way more comfortable texting a girl if she likes me back (or first). I also don’t really want to spend a bunch of time coming up with some cheesy/witty text for a girl that didn’t like me first and may not even reply.

But even though I’m getting some action on the website, as I’m sure most guys experience, the odds are really against us. I’m in a sort of smaller city (though not a small town) and feel a little uncomfortable messaging people who don’t like me back first. However I’m also unsure if maybe some can’t see my likes and I should just shoot my shot?

What have your guys experiences been and what do you think?

I remember this website from way back and you could basically message whoever you wanted. Now you can't see likes unless you pay, but if you pay, are you able to send more than 1 message a day? Or is the 1 message a day a limitation for new accounts or what?

This discussion has come up a few times with friends who are neither white nor Jewish. For context, I’m Jewish and live in America. Do you consider us as a minority? Obviously statistically we are (everywhere but Israel), but I’ve had two friends argue because we look like “regular white people” we are not a minority.

It’s not something I take too seriously but I’m off the opinion we are a minority in a sociological way as well as ethically. But opinions seem to differ. I’m not on a soap box or expecting any special treatment. It’s more of a discussion for the sake of discussion I’m trying for here.

By real friend I mean someone you see at least somewhat consistently in person and could trust to watch your kids/pet/house sit for you (or something equivocal to that). Do not include blood relatives or romantic partners. Include your gender in your reply please.

Guys I really need a break from all this bougie “it’s the spot!” for breakfast places. I need a certain type of diner. Where the same old timers meet on Tuesdays and the waitress smokes cigarettes outside and everything is delicious and greasy. Who knows, maybe even cash only. Anyone know a spot?

If you’re sick and likely need to be admitted, but assume you can get to any hospital safely, which one would you go to? Which would you avoid at all costs? And why?

I can appreciate Claude’s positivity. I use it primarily to build excel sheets for work and some other busy work. Occasionally for mundane non-work things as well.

Occasionally after completing a big project, Claude tells me to take a break. Or that I earned something. I’m not sure it understands work in a particular chat was spread over a week or not either.

Anyway, I’ve used it for some smoothie recipes. I ran out of bananas so I sent it what I had because I’m too lazy to google smoothie recipes. I did this once before and got a gross recipe but this time Claude was sure so I went for it.

And the smoothie came out halfway decent. I told Claude it was okay.

I recognized the same banter from my work project chats when Claude told me afterwards:

“Enjoy it — you earned this one.”

Thanks Claude. I sure did.

Is anyone interested in doing some volunteer wo.rk together? Not trash pickup (too hot, but Ty those who do this) but volunteering for some established cause as a small group or just a couple of us?

I posted a while ago about what opportunities are out there so I could draw from that (or google) for some potential ideas. Anything would be fine really. Let me know if anyone is interested. For me personally, weekends or evenings (or weekend evenings) is the easiest time to do so.

Male, 30s, on/off the apps for a while. Thought I would share my "success story" to give other guys hope out there. 

I had been talking to a girl a few years older than me over the course of a week. Twice she mentioned how she hates being flaked on if we meet up. I told her I felt the same way and not to worry because I'm not a flaky person. I don't like dinner dates in case the vibe is off so we agree to meet for coffee at an outside patio. She also let me know she doesn't like people being late. Okay, the girl is cute and seems nice just sort of OCD about this one thing, I figured maybe she's been ghosted and just has a low tolerance for BS. Fair enough.

Get there five minutes early, text, no reply. At the meeting time I text again and she is running a couple minutes late. Okay, no big deal, I grab a coffee and sit outside. Across from me is another guy on his phone at a table. 

The girl shows up and I recognize her and she gives this "oh shit" expression. I turn and look at the other guy. Turns out, she had arranged a date with BOTH of us (unbeknownst to us). She later claimed she got times mixed up but honestly I'm not sure I believe her. As you can imagine, me and bro are in this awkward situation, we kind of do a look exchange like what's gonna happen here.

I tell him to go for it, I really was over it at this point, the audacity of the situation shattered whatever attraction I had going for this girl, and she was not even as cute irl anyway (not to sound shallow, just keeping it real here). The guy looks at her and back at me and tells me nah, go ahead man, I'm not feeling this either. At this point the girl is just sitting there dumbfounded, I guess waiting to see if we were gonna fight to the death to buy her a coffee or some shit?

So next me and the guy both get up to leave. We both tell her we are no longer interested in the coffee date. I live in a fairly large city and the coffee place is just outside of downtown and the other guy and I both got street parking about two blocks over. So inevitably we wind up walking a couple blocks together. Turns out we're both into Warhammer and we both are actually watching the same old TV series which we'd never seen before (Fargo, though I was a season ahead). We exchanged numbers and wound up hanging out a few times and since have become pretty decent friends.

So don't give up, fellow single men. You too could wind up as lucky as me one day.

I will be thoroughly honest here but won’t reply any facts that would dox myself or my ex. As a teenage adult I fell in love with a woman about a decade older than me. We were together just over 20 years. Went from codependent to being a victim of extreme coercive control. I don’t like the word victim but I use it here because it’s the most accurate way to describe things. After much counseling and divorce I now consider myself healthy and in a good place. AMA.