I have lived a very isolated life, withdrawn from everything
I’ve been thinking about something about myself and the way I’ve lived my life.
As long as I can remember, I’ve been a very quiet and withdrawn person. In school, I was the weird, quiet kid. I didn’t really talk to people or have friends, and I never participated much in class. I would often just look at the clock, stare somewhere, think about random things, and wait for the class to end so I could go home.
Even outside school, I didn’t really do much. Most children would go outside and play or develop hobbies, but I never really did any of that. I didn’t draw, play a sport, or have anything I was particularly interested in. At home, there were often fights, so I mostly stayed by myself. I think I’ve lived a very isolated life for a long time, and eventually I became used to it.
What bothers me now is that I never really questioned any of this. I never stopped and thought, “Why can’t I focus in class?” or “Why am I not talking to people?” or “Why am I not developing any interests?” I just accepted it as the way I was.
The same thing continued throughout college. I never developed a habit of studying consistently. I would mostly study right before exams and get average or sometimes bad grades. I couldn’t concentrate on someone speaking for an hour because I had never really developed that ability. I also struggled with communication and socializing, but instead of actively trying to improve, I mostly avoided situations where I had to do those things.
I think I’ve developed a very strong habit of avoiding effort.
And I’m realizing that this has affected almost every area of my life. I haven’t consistently worked on my English. I haven’t kept myself updated with what’s happening in the world. I haven’t developed many hobbies. I haven’t really explored what I like or what I’m capable of. There are so many things I don’t know simply because I never made an effort to learn them.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve become empty-headed because of this. I don’t mean that I literally have nothing in my head. I mean that I haven’t built up the knowledge, experiences, interests, skills, or confidence that I see in other people my age.
And now I’m 25, and I’m becoming painfully aware of the gap.
I also feel like I’ve spent a lot of my life just letting things happen to me instead of actively participating in my own life. I’ve had setbacks and difficult experiences, but I also know that I’ve used avoidance as a way of dealing with things. I’ve become so used to doing nothing that even when I have time and genuinely want to change, I struggle to make myself do anything consistently.
That is what scares me the most.
It’s not that I don’t know what I should be doing. I know. I’ve known for a long time. I’ve told myself these things hundreds of times. I know I should study, read, improve my English, develop hobbies, socialize, stay informed, and actually make use of my time.
But knowing hasn’t changed my behaviour.
I’ve had the last eleven months with a lot of free time, and I keep thinking about how much I could have done during this period. I could have learned so much, developed skills, read books, explored hobbies, improved my English, or simply become more engaged with life. Instead, I’ve spent a lot of that time doing very little and scrolling.
So I think the real problem isn’t that I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m very aware of it.
The problem is that I’ve spent so many years living passively that effort, consistency, curiosity, and participation don’t come naturally to me anymore.
And now I’m realizing that if I keep living this way, I’m going to keep getting older while nothing fundamentally changes.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being the person who stays quiet, avoids things, waits for life to pass, and then regrets not having participated in it.
I think I need to learn how to actually participate in my own life.
I used chatgpt to frame my words properly :/