u/sage-on-fire

I love that song so much. Beautiful poetry.

After being abused and bullied, it just means so much to me.

I love this man 🫶

I just cannot stop. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It is horrific.

Months of this and I had psychosis. I was doing better. Now I’m trapped in these spirals.

It’s so exhausting.

and that is scary…

I was bullied heavily, into such a terrible state of mind. I’ve had psychosis, delusions, hallucinations, and depression so bad I would lay in the fetal position all day and night. I didn’t get treatment for a long time. Was abused as a child, being bullied ruined the peace I had made with that. I’ll get there again ….

but ugh this is a happy post!!! I had lost myself and now I’m coming back :) chills during music is a beautiful thing.

Anyone experience similar?

I was bullied heavily, into such a terrible state of mind. I’ve had psychosis, delusions, hallucinations, and depression so bad I would lay in the fetal position all day and night. Was abused as a child, being bullied ruined the peace I had made with that. I’ll get there again ….

but ugh this is a happy post!!! I had lost myself and now I’m coming back :) chills during music is a beautiful thing.

Anyone experience similar?

Nightmares, no energy, poor work performance, until they remember me. Sigils, cursing, Lilith and anyone who wants to help. Piss and tacks. Names first and last. Sealed with wax.

I got bullied for my physical appearance and many other things. Please believe me it was terrible. I now know I didn’t deserve it. One thing was … I compulsively vented to my bully that I had a crush on a manager (while we were both in relationships), this lead to profound bullying, embarrassment, and shame. Embarrassment and shame. I started to starve myself because of the whole mess (which got me even more criticism). This woman would not leave me alone.
I stop working there. Am haunted by trauma for several years. Heal a bit. Do my curse, time passes, and then….. I’m on my phone and Ariana Grande just had an affair with Ethan Slater, a married man with a child and is clearing starving or similar… I was like HOLY FUCK. I KNOW THESE BITCHES THOUGHT OF ME!!!!!!!! I KNOW IT!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU LILITH THANK YOU ALL WHO HELPED.

Nightmares, no energy, poor work performance, until they remember me. Sigils, cursing, Lilith and \\\\\\\*anyone who wants to help\\\\\\\*. Piss and tacks. Names first and last. Sealed with wax.

I got bullied for my physical appearance and many other things. Please believe me it was terrible. I now know I didn’t deserve it. One thing was … I compulsively vented to my bully that I had a crush on a manager (while we were both in relationships), this lead to profound bullying, embarrassment, and shame. Embarrassment and shame. I started to starve myself because of the whole mess (which got me even more criticism). This woman would not leave me alone.
I stop working there. Am haunted by trauma for several years. Heal a bit. Do my curse, time passes, and then….. I’m on my phone and Ariana Grande just had an affair with Ethan Slater, a married man with a child and is clearing starving or similar… I was like HOLY F. I KNOW THESE BITCHES THOUGHT OF ME!!!!!!!! I KNOW IT!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU LILITH THANK YOU ALL WHO HELPED.

Thoughts?

Nightmares, no energy, poor work performance, until they remember me. Sigils, cursing, Lilith and \\\*anyone who wants to help\\\*. Piss and tacks. Names first and last. Sealed with wax.

I got bullied for my physical appearance and many other things. Please believe me it was terrible. I now know I didn’t deserve it. One thing was … I compulsively vented to my bully that I had a crush on a manager (while we were both in relationships), this lead to profound bullying, embarrassment, and shame. Embarrassment and shame. I started to starve myself because of the whole mess (which got me even more criticism). This woman would not leave me alone.
I stop working there. Am haunted by trauma for several years. Heal a bit. Do my curse, time passes, and then….. I’m on my phone and Ariana Grande just had an affair with Ethan Slater, a married man with a child and is clearing starving or similar… I was like HOLY FUCK. I KNOW THESE BITCHES THOUGHT OF ME!!!!!!!! I KNOW IT!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU LILITH THANK YOU ALL WHO HELPED.

I’m just so fucking tired

I hope I can post here, the ED reddits claim it’s too triggering.

But at my worst, I was restricting water. For me it was the self punishment and self control. I have a lot of trauma, parental abuse and bullying and I’m telling you…restricting made that all quiet for a bit.

I’d go days without eating.

I had digestive problems and developed chronic diarrhea, making things worse.

I got to be so freaking tiny.

I miss it sometimes. Especially when I see celebrities like Ariana Grande.

Then I miss the control always. Always.

My boyfriend didn’t like my sick body though. Said my bones were painful during sex. Enjoys my booty coming back…I guess that parts cool with me.

But sometimes I fantasize about living alone and engaging in any behavior I want to…

And I have to do two doubles at work before then😵‍💫
Pray for me… any survival tips?

3 years clean though.

I just want to do “baby cuts”

I’m really struggling with ED thoughts too. Was a form of self harm for me.

My psych currently thinks I’m bipolar 1, and just every day is a struggle.

So I’m taking sertraline, Olanzapine, and bupropion, with a history of severe and lengthy psychosis, and then on May 20th am told I’m bipolar 1 (thanks for allowing me here, my post so far would be banned on the other bipolar sub) and that Lamotrigine will be amazing for me, and that sertraline is probably doing nothing for me and to stop that (at 25mg).

I feel great! Better than I have in so long, I see my old self coming back, wanting to joke around and even skip around. Start my new job, things are awesome! Then May 30th…..my period hit and my mood takes a horrible nose dive. I’m so angry and irritable, get into a fight with my boyfriend, and just feel off. Bad like I haven’t in a long time.

Work normal shifts at work, celebrate my anniversary early June. Work some more.

THEN Mood at point goes from irritability to sad and exhausted. I suddenly have no energy to complete any task. I’ve just been bed rotting and sleeping every few hours. I stayed up until 6 AM ruminating about past trauma. My ED thoughts became so triggered by just the mention of a celebrity (who is bone thin). I’ve had thoughts of starving and restricting…even avoiding water at my worst. I fantasized about living alone to engage in these activities, also self harm. Then my energy is zapped so getting food is harder and I’m feeling this way, so I’m been leaning into my low energy and choosing to not eat. Though I have been, which is good, but I don’t feel great about it. (my post on ED subs get removed for being too triggering, thanks again)

Thoughts of cutting.

Then last night, I stayed up until 10 AM, I just didn’t feel tired. Then I wake up at almost 5 PM, feeling a bit better and rested…but just this underlying funk that I don’t know if it’s going to go away or not….

I just want to feel tiny, and empty, and clean. Safe. IN CONTROL. I want to feel bones. There’s so many celebrities with them now.

At this point, I’m only recovered because my boyfriend wants me to be. He didn’t find my sick body attractive.

At first it was self empowering, I miss that.

Now I fantasize about living alone and being able to engage in whatever behavior I want. Look how I want.

It hurts that it’s such a fantasy…I got to the point where my sweat smelled like ass and bites of food were giving me brain zaps. It became scary.

I feel like a drug addict craving a high I can never get again.

How are you guys managing with sooo many celebrities being so thin?

It’s like, if my mind could create all this crazy stuff, how could anything be real?

I saw and felt all these fake signs. Thought I had powers from God at a point.

Sucks.

This was said, extremely angrily/rudely, all in my face, in response to me telling my bf of 7 years that I was feeling triggered to self harm (3 years clean).

He just can’t tolerate the idea of me self harming, to the point he doesn’t provide me any support and accidentally “throws daggers” my way, leaving me double triggered dealing with it all my self (I literally have not a single friend, I only don’t die of loneliness because I have several siblings but I don’t like to talk SH to them unless it’s positive) and quite frankly I do not get it. Why can’t I say I’m feeling triggered? Why can’t I say that everyday at work, I just wish I could be invisible (horrible social anxiety my whole life) but I can’t and it HURTS and it makes me want to scream and hurt myself in ALL THE WAYS. Urges to hit, slap, scratch, and c*t all the damn time. Then there’s urged for other reasons too. That’s just my life.

I hate when people act like being a “self harmers loved one” is harder than being a self harmer.

and all you have is a degree in mental illness suffering. I want to cry over this but I can’t even.

Bullied over my physical appearance, my body hair, my beliefs, my personality and my sexuality and gender identity were questioned in a harassing way. I was asked if I had syndromes, like Turner or Fetal Alcohol. Asked if I was intersex. Was told “the worst thing that probably happened to me was being told to clean my room”. Saying my self harm scars looked like drug marks.

This was at a store. I even had someone come up and shake my cart organized to go out to the floor, very vigorously and rudely.

I lost mind at one point. One day I said “I wish I could kill you” to the main bully. Not the best thing to say, but I don’t blame a younger, traumatized me. She then claimed this was a terroristic threat. I came into work and I was the only one in the clock in area…she told me everyone is gone because they’re afraid what I’ll do. No management said anything formal to me, but I believed at the time I really was this feared.

I shut down. I got home and I just laid in bed, staring at the wall, in the fetal position. I spent months like that.

I obsessed over the comments said about me and how I was treated. How no one really cared how I was treated. I spent hours and hours replaying memories. Then at some point, reality became blurred and imagined all sorts of horrible things. I had terrible psychosis for months.

Paranoid I was being watched from windows, vents, and thinking my mirror was secretly a two way mirror.

I had a delusion that I was really intersex and that I had a penis in my vagina. I reimagined my first sexual encounter with this as a factor. It only lasted an hour or so, it was one of my first episodes. One of my worst though. Others went on for muuuch longer though. (Hope I don’t weird anyone out, mental health is so complicated, I’m just ill).

I think I had the genetics and environmental factors to just….mentally explode.

This disorder sucks ass.

Trigger warning: SA, r\*pe, (these episodes seriously disturb people, even professionals)

• Long compelling epic plot sagas with celebrities, people from the workplace I was bullied, and people from high school. Unable to engage in life when sagas are “playing”. My eyes often cross and mental imagery takes over my visual field. Disconnected from reality when occurring. Feeling of realness last hours to months. I used to get in cycles of asking my boyfriend if these weird things happened or not. Sometimes I talked to myself during these episodes and he noticed. Time spent eating, using the bathroom, etc. during these times is unaccounted for. I just know my brain showed me things like a movie against my will for hours and hours and hours. Some of the events are:

• that I landed a plane on god alone (why people think I have powers and celebrities/people from high school/international people/terrorist organization start coming to my work)

• that I’m the goddess “hermaphrodite” and I have a penis inside of my vagina. Physically felt fullness inside. Was asked if I was intersex, I believe that was a trigger. “Came down” from a sense of “highness” within an hour. Believed I was a man’s dreams and a goddess and was disappointed to not be one. One of my first episodes.

• One of the worst is the prettiest girl in school getting r worded by her father in front of everyone, they’re trying to convince everyone it’s normal to do. Eventually, my bf’s little cousin and her family falls for brain washing its “good for girls” and starts to rape her.

• Me being raped by my step brother in my old bedroom. Was drugged. Ended up being pregnant and not knowing it, give birth to baby and then cutting up baby (similar to how I used to self harm) in a dissociative fog. I cut its eyes even. Stepdad and mother come and take the baby. In elaborate cult plot, they find out and I’m 24 at the time and happy to have a child, who is blind from my actions. Alternate where I give birth to parasite and worms.

• that I’m walking home from work and step on/kill a lizard, but when I look, nothing is there, feel stuck, sad, keep having to check my shoe.

• that my bladder OCD (where I push and wipe excessively, have heart palpitations from strain) stops my heart and I’m half-dead in my room and bugs come all over and in my body — can smell chemically, bug smell. My highscool ex pranks in the bathroom and it scares the life out of me. I start praying silently like a witch and one of his friends is Caribbean and starts praying to papa Legba, whom I see as a spirit praying for me.

• part of why I’m half dead is that I push out my pelvic organs/nervous system because I couldn’t stop the void-pushing sensation.

• that I’m Jewish and eat something non kosher so my grandfather reaches down my throat and starts doing it compulsively and pulls out my throat and nervous system and feel a burning sensation and have the perspective of being the nervous system on the ground.

• that I walk to work naked, feel dehydrated

• \\\[Student who’s mother died of breast cancer\\\] eating his mother’s ashes, came to me during epic saga (was one of many people coming to me) — still felt need to reach out to him. Sent him a weird message.

• a girl who “wants to be like me” tries to mimic my bladder problem by eating TP. I see the girl tunneling through the walls, eating & shitting a TP trail. (Kinda like the movie The Boy) Made me paranoid around the time being afraid of mirrors.

• afraid Al-Queda would get me — afraid of window and vents in house. Also afraid mirror is secretly a two way mirror and im being watched.

• thought broadcasting to celeb. cult. - each person would say their name and say “checking in” - like a radio. My thoughts had no privacy. Still struggle with that feeling sometimes.

• seeing a wet door handle = poison, causing anxiety, vision black, loss of reality, and hallucinating a person infront of me as former bully and screaming.

• watch Mike Tyson vs. Jake Paul and feel like it’s a part of the celebrity cult and that they’re watching me from the window - I show “them” my SH scars as an offering of how serious and genuine I am - think they’re looking at every move I make. Doing a vulgar dance to tease them and please the devil. Do a blood gang dance thinking it would magically help Mike win.

• celebrity cult thinks I have powers.

• getting a thought that the next car outside is the celebrity cult coming to take me away, so I rush outside and when I realize it isn’t the cult, say, with my eyes rolling, “Do you believe in our Lord & Saviour Jesus Christ?”

• celebrity cult & people from work went through phone — deep feeling of no privacy, total exposure

• feeling like my house was haunted and being too afraid to go inside

• seeing black foggy figures floating around, yelling at them to get out the door with my rosary

• hallucinating a plane landing in the sky and that Ariana grande was on it, that the celebrity cult wanted us to be together (to recover).

• Grimacing and thinking I was cursed, when I nurse tried to take off my clothes I thought she was pulling a curse out of my vagina and physically felt that sensation. Feeling like a portal was opened behind me.

• hallucinated Ariana grande in the hospital with me. She’s so stressed she’s pulling out her hair.

• delusion I look like Ariana grande - see it in pictures.

• Ariana grande gets so much plastic surgery that her family recognizes me and other “look alikes” instead of her and kills some of them off. One infront of my apartment.

• sometimes thoughts and things I say in the sagas rhyme and feel “zappy” or magnetic and perfect. Same with events. Feelings of connection.

• 2 or so periods of not sleeping for 2-3 days, but not working at the time

• small periods of time (days) of feeling “wired” or energized.

• wanting to go by a different name and feeling reborn.

• thinking if I bought merch or asked family to buy me merch it would cause AG or others to contact me

• Was cleaning on 10/22 and 3 songs reminded me of something from the past and I heard a voice say “3 songs? Praise me” (goddess/deity) and I said who? And got no reply. Started to “worship” spirit by dancing vulgarly, similar to on the Jake Paul vs. Mike Tyson fight.

• 11/9 afraid to have a negative thought about Ariana Grande - feel like my thoughts are policed/not alone. If I think something bad about her, she might hear it directly or “feel it” and our “connection” will be over.

• feeling a dark presence in room for months.

If you managed to read this all, thank you. I hope you aren’t disturbed by me. And this ain’t even all of it !!!