u/sashaskii

This might sound weird. I struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I’ve been having an especially hard time lately. The attacks are hard to recover from which leaves me in a sort of dissociated state. However, I’ve heard that sour candies could help ground people in panic attacks, so I’m hoping it could work for me too.
I’ve tried sour skittles and warheads but they don’t pack as much of a punch as I’d like.
What are some truly extreme sour candies?

I have PTSD. I’ve been struggling more with it lately especially with the panic attacks and I’ve heard that sour candied candies can help ground you during an episode. I’ve tried sour skittles and warheads before but they don’t pack as much of an intense punch as I’d like.

What are some truly extreme sour candies?

How frequently do you guys find your mood cycling? Any prominent triggers or patterns? Or just anything you find to be different from that of other bipolar friends?

I feel like I don’t often see a lot of ultra rapid cycling or “ultradian” discussion here. My doctor diagnosed me a while ago but I never heard from someone with the same cycling tendencies so I was curious to hear it from your own personal experiences.

I’ve been using How We Feel and it’s great for pinpointing what I’m feeling but the visualization of trends isn’t the most helpful when looking at “ups” and “downs”. Anybody got better suggestions?

Edit: There’s so little of them on the App Store 🥲

EDIT: I was able to be more direct and have a really awesome conversation with them. I guess I was just really scared by he was more than willing to make accommodations and actually was going to check in and ask me what I needed anyways. He didn’t want me to worry and was more concerned about us all being able to hang out rather than whatever he wanted to originally do. We made a great breakfast (cooked his favorite… blueberry pancakes), took it slow, and we have a good day planned ahead (flare-friendly!)
:)

I’m trying to communicate these things to my in-laws.

I can’t do x, y, z….
I have major dietary restrictions, I can’t be out in the sun and heat for prolonged periods of time, I can’t stand for prolonged periods of time, I have to avoid major exposures and risks for certain illnesses that can bring a whole host of other issues.

Tomorrow, I’ll be riding in the back of an SUV nearly all day, touring one of America’s eastern coastal states during a hot, sunny summer day. I’ll be sitting with a large dog who loves to bark at every chance he gets. I get migraines and already took my allotted amount of abortive medication. My partner’s dad wants to either have a picnic for lunch or get takeout… I tried offering options that would be best for me but it kind of turned into a “we’ll figure something out tomorrow”. I hate not planning. It’s the bane of my existence. He also wants to go out onto overgrown rural property where tick-season is at its height. It’s one of the biggest states for cases of Lyme disease— a disease in which under NO circumstances can I afford to contract due to some really shit genetics that almost killed my brother. They offered tick spray and hairnets as solutions. Which I really do appreciate, but it feels like the gravity of the consequences is going unnoticed.

This is becoming a vent post. I know I could maybe be advocating for myself better. I tried to do it in the most respectful way I could. I asked and mentioned multiple times about their pets being on tick and flea medication (the dog is… the cats are not). I’ve spoken on dietary issues. I’ve vocalized issues I have with the heat and sun, which can send my health spiraling for weeks and has been a huge reason for moving from my home state.

I don’t want to put myself in another flare but I also don’t want to say “I’m not going to go with you guys. Im so sorry. Go have fun” and have to have any sort of pushback even if it’s meant with kindness. Solutions are always offered. It’s just tiring and uncomfortable to keep standing up for myself. But unfortunately necessary a lot of the time. And it sucks cause I’ve been appearing to be extra functional lately.

And they’re so nice about my health issues— but still seem so ignorant. I feel like I’m still missing out on tricks or something… things I can do that would communicate things so much better. As if there’s some golden nugget of advocation I’m still missing. Something I’m doing wrong even.

I hate having disabilities visible, yet so invisible, to family.

I recently got put on a medication with drowsy side effects, but it feels like the fatigue and drowsiness is far beyond what the intensity that the side effect should be. I end up feeling all stiff, barely able to keep my eyes open, feel like I’m walking through thicker concrete, and end up losing my balance, collapsing when I walk, and slurring my speech, saying incongruent things because I’m so fatigued I can barely think straight. It feels almost like I’m sleep walking sometimes. Have you guys had any experiences like this?

What are movies that don’t stereotype bipolar 1. Or ones that show a more realistic, even milder version like bipolar 2 or cyclothymia. It would be nice to have some realism instead of romanticism and dramatizing this disorder.

I was thinking about the onset of my own sleep issues and was curious about your guys’. How’d it develop and how has it affected you over the years? What are your triggers and how do you manage them?

Correction: Technically she’s a nurse practitioner who prescribes psych meds at a therapy clinic.

TLDR: please help me. I don’t think I have a psychiatrist who knows how to handle Bipolar.

This is my first time being properly medicated as an adult with Bipolar. Went through all sorts of mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, SSRIs, SNRIs as a kid. Diagnoses being thrown around. Blah blah. The details aren’t important except for that this is the first opportunity I’ve had to be properly evaluated for Bipolar and (hopefully) properly medicated.

My intake with her was pretty good. I told her I have a long psychiatric history and several doctors throughout my life have thought I might be bipolar. I’ve had gaps in my care but there’s been several hospitalizations and episodes of instability. Mood dysfunction, all the works. And I told her that my last team doctors wanted me to continue the discussion of possible bipolar disorder.

She was like “Okie dokie. I see you’re on Lamotragine. You’re also on a stimulant for ADHD and Clonazepam for PTSD attacks… I really think Vraylar would be a good medication for you. You might have to jump through some hoops to get it discounted and filled, but this should help with the depression. But you’re gonna need to take a drug test since you take a stimulant. And because you use cannabis for chronic pain, you’re gonna need to stop smoking or else that report will look bad on me.”

Which was kinda weird.
But also YES PLEASE. I have been feeling SOOOO desperate to come out of an extremely severe depression that I kind of had a crisis moment with. It made me so happy hearing how enthusiastic she was. It was a few ups and downs trying to get this medication but I became super determined and I ended up making it through. The drive to the pharmacy was pure bliss.

So anyways I’ve been taking the medication for a week and I’ve had a huge increase in my mood even the day before taking it. And I’m not dumb. I know placebo is a thing. And I’m sure it was just be being really excited for this potential breakthrough dreamy name-brand-only medication she’s talking about… but holy hell. Now that the rush has passed me a bit, I can recognize my excitement kind of fucked me up.

I didn’t make the best decisions this past week. And today I’m actually realizing how unrealistic it was for me to idk anyways whatever. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now but I’m starting to get angry because I had my follow up with her yesterday and all she did was ask me a bunch of scale questions. I tried to tell her I didn’t feel right or I didn’t feel comfortable (not with her, just as a feeling I was experiencing), that I was finally recognizing the restlessness and joy was too much, that I was questioning what I was experiencing and starting to feel uneasy.

She just said “I mean yeah there’s placebo effect, that could be it. We’ll see how you feel over the next two weeks. Bye”.

I’m sorry I’m trying not to be needy or anything but that felt way too short and way too casual for being a completely new patient on a completely new drug navigating his diagnosis, whether or not she’ll keep exploring it. I’m so frustrated and hopeful but now not hopeful and pissed. Maybe it’s not worth it. I’m so tired of this shit.

I usually play piano when I can’t sleep and I’m having an especially hard time mentally tonight. So if anyone wants to interrupt me with some scattered chats or just take up more of my brain space, message me.

Usually I feel like I’m living in a fantasy or dream where nothings ever the same, things are one way at one time and a completely different way at another time, I have no answers cause it’s always changing… I actually feel like I can read reality like a proper book, line by line. Instead of scrambled paragraphs and words. I can just see a little clearer and it’s making me feel miserable. I don’t want to be this way. I especially don’t want to go back to an imaginary place.

Genuinely need someone’s input on this.

Edit: *Just want to clarify that I’m not abusing or using large amounts. Typically 2mg - 10mg.

Maybe I’m reading too much into it but I feel like I react to weed differently than other people. My brain just can’t connect with my environment, almost like I’m dissociating. I just don’t feel clear at all. And the thought spirals I go down are a bit much. Lots of intense existentialism that turns into spiritual thoughts (I’m an atheist) and they leave me kinda disturbed but curious. Like drawn in. In almost feels like how people describe mushrooms (never had them) and maybe ego death, but without the visual disturbances.

Anyways, my brain has been like that for the past few years since trying weed for the first time. I mean I had symptoms of my illness far before I ever tried weed but since then, it’s happened a lot more and sometimes is always around but varies in intensity.

I’m agoraphobic. I’m working up the courage to leave my house in about half an hour like I had planned to do. I wanted to go on a walk but I’m starting to talk myself out of it.
I used to love walking / hiking and now it feels terrifying at times.

TL;DR: I feel so much fucking relief but maybe I'm delusional.

Stay with me here. I know its long.
Also *Correction: Future mother-in-law...

3 days ago, I cried in her kitchen while cooking alone. I've been in a really severe depressive episode. Non-stop crying even when theres nothing to cry about, isolation, guilt, suicidal ideations, you get the picture. So yeah, I was bawling my eyes out looking like Mike Tyson beat the shit out of me with how puffy my face was.

I usually keep my emotions on lockdown, hiding in my bedroom, isolating. But I just couldn't keep it in anymore after crying all day for 3 days straight. So I went down to the kitchen and made myself some soup. I heard her coming down the stairs, panicked, wiped my tears and snot to no avail.

She apologized and asked if she was interrupting me. I shook my head no.
She asked if I was okay. I buried my face in my hands and shook my head no.
She asked if I needed a hug. I started bawling again, nodding my head yes.

She hugged me for a good long while, in silence. I've never showed negative emotions in front of his parents before, let alone cry. But I felt SO much relief. Fear, but also relief. We had a heart-to-heart, without talking too much about it. Just conversation trailing off into family, empathy from our shared experiences, the opportunity to be in a new place, start fresh, heal.

But within that conversation, I finally told her I'm bipolar.

She honestly didn't have much of a reaction. She just said she hopes I feel comfortable to be myself. I was so scared she was going to feel differently about me, see me differently, worry over my ability to be a good partner to her child. But no. We just moved on.

Not knowing how she feels about my diagnosis makes everything a bit more scary, but I keep trying to reassure myself after how nice she's been to me. She offers leftover food to us a lot. I love it, her cooking is so comforting. The day after I cried in the kitchen, she offered spaghetti for dinner. The day after that, she offered garlic bread. Then today, I woke up a text that theres leftover breakfast. Which tbh was kinda sus cause I woke up at 2 PM (I had a long night of more crying, more ideations, blah blah blah). And now she's offering to order pizza for dinner.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it and its pure coincidence cause she does this a lot. But its happened every day now. I'm just wondering if its related to the kitchen thing. She even sent me a heartwarming quote she found. Paraphrasing here, but something along the lines of "the hardest battle to fight is the battle to be yourself in a world which is doing its best to make you like everybody else."

Idk, am I overthinking it? It just made me feel so much better. I really appreciate her kindness, regardless if any bit of that was intended for me.

I always read the posts on this subreddit and it kinda makes me feel super alone. I don’t know if I’m even right in my feeling of isolation and difference so tell me if I’m wrong…
But I feel like my “version” and experience of bipolar doesn’t look alike.

I don’t have reckless binges. I don’t party or go on a sex spree or drain my entire bank account. I don’t stay up all night creating a thousand different things, whether art, music, business ideas. I don’t have this super high energy power grid inside me.

I make stupid decisions, yeah. I’ll do needless things, I’ll become somewhat paranoid, I’ll become extremely agitated, volatile over literally nothing, I’ll wonder what’s real and what’s not, I’ll feel weird. Sometimes it feels like a violent, confusing energy, and other times it’s like a swell of potential enlightenment and I come up with stupid ideas. And when I express those feelings or exhibit those behaviors, I’m told I’m not thinking clearly or I have it wrong. As if my decisions and my perception of reality aren’t quite right. Like I’m living in a different world. And I know that’s generally true for anyone that experiences mania. But for some reason it just seems different. It really feels like a different world from everyone else. In real life, but also makes me sometimes struggle to relate to posts on here.

I never have clarity and it feels like everyone’s living apart from me. Even when I’m in a deep depression, it’s like my version of events aren’t the same as everyone else’s. But even so, it’s mostly in the “deluded” or “manic” states that I experience it the most. I’ll still wonder if anything’s real, if I’m already dead, if everything’s a simulation, if there’s some sign in the universe that’s trying to communicate with me, if I need to finally take the leap and delve into this other-worldly-ness. “Break the matrix” or whatever. But I don’t do anything about it besides obsessive thoughts experiments, researching, reading, testing things out in real life. Even if it’s not in a magical way, I’ll still think I have the answers of how to be a better person, how to think about my life, how to change it for the better. Whether it’s syntonic or dystonic, it’s all the same.

I just want to hop into someone else’s eyes and see what they see.

I have a partner and his family and I’m so scared of them one day seeing how different I am. How disturbing it must be to see how I live and how I think.

Please tell me I’m not alone. Please tell me something. I’m tired of not having answers and not knowing.

I’m talking about the core focus being such an intimate relationship. Not necessarily “enemies to lovers”, but anything with the same intensity, detail, and drawn out scenes as Heated Rivalry.