u/sashaskii

I don’t want cops. I don’t want EMT/EMS. Maybe I can voluntarily go to the hospital. But I can’t do emergency services. I’ve had too much trauma with them. I can’t do it. I can’t even follow through on my feelings of not wanting to be here anymore. I have a plan. i have the plan in my hand. Physically. Literally. But I can’t push myself to do it quite yet. But it feels like everything is coming to a natural end.

Edit: I’m beginning to think I should just go inpatient. I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on with me and why I’m feeling this way. I’ve made posts about it on other subreddits but I have gotten zero responses and I feel pretty desperate right now.

I have complex PTSD. (This is context I’m not just dumping). OCD, and some (still trying to identify) mood issues. My mental health has always been pretty severe, starting back when I was about 7 or so. That’s when shit really hit the fan. I hate that expression.
But anyways, I’ve been having nightmares and night terrors nearly every night. I’m waking up in the early hours of the morning, I’ve been going out on long walks not caring where I’m going or how long I’ll be out, I can’t stop spending money even though I’m in a tight financial spot. I just don’t feel good. I’m feeling like I want to hurt myself, like I don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like the worst burden to my partner and his family. I’m a mess, I’m a drain, I’m a loose cannon always ready to blow. I don’t lash out I just get “unwell”. I don’t know how else to describe it.

God I wish so bad for a crystal ball that could tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. I don’t wanna shower but I wanna get my shit together. Like find my community, get my sense of style back. I’ve been pacing and doing stuff in the morning but by the evening and night, I’m nearly catatonic. Something is so wrong with me. Nothing satiates me but I can’t stop eating and then it switches to I have zero appetite and want absolutely nothing. I’m talking about in the same week. I feel like I’m gonna throw up.

I want to die. I just want to die so bad but every time I start a plan, I can never follow through. Is that the right expression? I don’t know I took medicine to help me feel different. But I’m so woozy and off balance and shaky. I only do this when I get like this. Every time it’s the same thing. And god I was doing so well before all of this. There’s been too much change in my life for the past 6 months and I came out of a loooonng depressive episode 6 months ago just for me to feel up and down again. I’m doing good. I’m not doing good. Im doing good. I’m not doing good. And I can get so angry but it’s an angry sad. But other times I feel so content and full of love and sunshine. I care about a lot of things.

I don’t know where this is going but maybe I can call a hotline that DOESNT call emergency services. I just called my psych and psychiatrist and cancelled all my appointments. I don’t know what wrong with me. I keep doing stuff or wanting to do stuff that’s making things so difficult. Destructive? But I’m really not trying to be. I’m just. Idk. I’m just “doing” it. It feels like the right thing to do even though I’m very aware of the consequences.

Please somebody help.

Somebody please help. I don’t know what I’m going through. It’s happened so many times in my life and I still don’t understand.

TW for non-graphic SI.

I have complex PTSD. (This is context I’m not just dumping). OCD, and some (still trying to identify) mood issues. My mental health has always been pretty severe, starting back when I was about 7 or so. That’s when shit really hit the fan.

I’ve been having nightmares and night terrors nearly every night. I’m waking up in the early hours of the morning, I’ve been going out on long walks not caring where I’m going or how long I’ll be out, I can’t stop spending money even though I’m in a tight financial spot. I just don’t feel good. I’m feeling like I want to hurt myself, like I don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like the worst burden to my partner and his family. I’m a mess, I’m a drain, I’m a loose cannon always ready to blow. I don’t lash out, I just get “unwell”. I don’t know how else to describe it.

God I wish so bad for a crystal ball that could tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. I don’t wanna shower but I wanna get my shit together. Like find my community, get my sense of style back. I’ve been pacing and doing stuff in the morning but by the evening and night, I’m nearly catatonic. Something is so wrong with me. Nothing satiates me but I can’t stop eating and then it switches to I have zero appetite and want absolutely nothing. I’m talking about in the same week. I feel like I’m gonna throw up.

I want to die. I just want to die so bad but every time I start a plan, I can never follow through. Every time it’s the same thing. And god I was doing so well before all of this. There’s been too much change in my life for the past 6 months and I came out of a loooonng depressive episode 6 months ago just for me to feel up and down again. I’m doing good. I’m not doing good. Im doing good. I’m not doing good. And I can get so angry but it’s an angry sad. But other times I feel so content and full of love and sunshine. I care about a lot of things.

I don’t know where this is going but maybe I can call a hotline that DOESNT call emergency services. I just called my psych and psychiatrist and cancelled all my appointments. I don’t know what wrong with me. I keep doing stuff or wanting to do stuff that’s making things so difficult. Destructive? But I’m really not trying to be. I’m just. Idk. I’m just “doing” it. It feels like the right thing to do even though I’m very aware of the consequences.

I’m concerned I might have to go inpatient. I’m really trying to take the proper steps to keep me safe but I feel so awful right now.

I recently found this brand at Sephora and I can’t decide if I’m in love with it or not. I was only able to sample a fraction of the scents, but without buying the discovery sets, I wanted to know if anyone else has tried the brand and how you like it. I ended up finding one scent called “Warm Air” and it smells exactly like that toxoplasmosis, powdery, musky, animalistic smell that cats give off. Literally smelled EXACTLY like my cat. So I bought it lol. But how are the other scents?

How long did it take to experience your first hypomanic / manic episode after starting SSRIs / SNRIs? I heard some people say a month or a week, but what were your guys’ experiences? What happened and did it happen gradually or more acutely?

I’m taking a shot to see what happens cause I know it’s not easy being friends with someone who’s chronically ill and I appreciate it even if you’re simply taking the time to read this post. I want to be upfront and see what happens.

I'm in pain most of the time. On my best days, I can leave the house for limited amounts of time. On my worst days, I’m bed-bound and can barely talk. It stops me from going to school, having a job, taking care of myself. I don't have a lot of social connections since my health usually keeps me at home. But I love talking with people and meeting new friends, even if it's just to pass the time while I'm hurting.

I try my best to respond. I'm generally a talkative person but there might be times where I have to step away and rest. I swear I'm not bored or ghosting, I just don't want to over-exert myself then need to go to the hospital. It sounds dramatic but it’s true. My mitochondria are not, in fact, a good powerhouse.

I like to talk about almost anything. I especially like to learn about the people I meet: your interests, hobbies, professions. I’m a learner and a listener.

I spend my time playing games (Skyrim, Oblivion, BG3, puzzle games), watching movies, reading. I’ll draw or write every now and then. I love spooky things. Halloween is my favorite holiday (I wish it was a 365 day celebration) and I’m super excited for the fall to roll around. I love to cook and I’m slowly learning to bake.

Anyways, my DMs are open if you’re interested in chatting. Hope you guys are having a good Friday night!

I understand it’s definitionally the drive to have sex but what does that actually mean? How do you experience that? What does it feel like?

Edit: I’ve been in the discovery process of my own sexuality and learning about asexuality. Sexuality is something I never fully had the chance to explore due to sexual abuse and exposure as a kid. I always had a weird relationship with sex and I’m just trying to figure out how other people see it.

So what is this thing I keep hearing about gabapentin increasing the risk of dementia?? I understand it can’t “cause” dementia and I understand that research is complex and requires more time and resources and won’t always be accurate. But nonstop I keep hearing this stuff about dementia and I never seem to find a clear answer on what is actually going on.

I want to know what it actually looks like in practice… not in a book or diagnostic manual.

So besides diagnostic criteria, what are observable differences you’ve seen in patients with these three disorders? What are details that have contributed to your differentials?

I’m talking about things like the way the mood swings or emotional liability behave. Bipolar, BPD, and depression all have irritability. They all can have aggression. They can be cyclical. How about rapid cycling Bipolar vs. Borderline?

Or what about the way it affects interpersonal relationships? Mood can affect the way we interact with people, so what does true Borderline splitting and interpersonal disturbances look like vs. in Bipolar vs. in irritable depression?

I have a ton of questions but can’t list them all here (I can barely come up with how to ask them in the first place). So any other tangential details would be appreciated.

I want to know what it actually looks like in practice… not in a book or diagnostic manual.

So besides diagnostic criteria, what are observable differences you’ve seen in patients with these three disorders? What are details that have contributed to your differentials?

I’m talking about things like the way the mood swings or emotional liability behave. Bipolar, BPD, and depression all have irritability. They all can have aggression. They can be cyclical. How about rapid cycling Bipolar vs. Borderline?

Or what about the way it affects interpersonal relationships? Mood can affect the way we interact with people, so what does true Borderline splitting and interpersonal disturbances look like vs. in Bipolar vs. in irritable depression?

I have a ton of questions but can’t list them all here (I can barely come up with how to ask them in the first place). So any other tangential details would be appreciated.

I’m trying to figure out how to prevent hypomanic / manic episodes as well as how to recognize mixed episodes.

TW: brief objective mention of suicidality.

I’m doing better now that I’m medicated but obviously episodes still happen and I want to do my best in managing this disorder. So I’m creating a masterdoc for myself that has everything I need for prevention, recognition, and management.

So that brings me to my questions.

1. What are things you avoid that might risk putting you into a hypomanic / manic episode? What are some environmental factors? Any relevant stories?
2. How do you recognize when you’re having mixed symptoms / episode? This one always throws me off until it’s over with and I can say in retrospect “that was definitely a mixed episode”.

…For example, I’m currently feeling off. I can’t pinpoint it. Just “off”. I went from feeling a lot of anhedonia and avolition to now being able to bake bread (never baked bread before), wanting to go out and be more sociable, daydreaming about revenge on an old abuser, and finally wanting to use my sugar scrub and self care items again… yet I’m feeling suicidal urges. They feel a bit sudden, sometimes random, sometimes reactive. But I just don’t get it. I regained some drive and confidence but still feel weird. Maybe it’s just lingering depression? Maybe I’m euthymic and struggling with something else? Or is it actually mixed symptoms? These are just my internal questions but for general episode recognition, it would be helpful to hear what you guys experience.

I have vestibular migraines and they seem to be a bit treatment resistant. Abortive work but never as much as they feel like they should. Zero pain medications work (only when I happened to need opioids for a surgery did they ever work). And the nausea is just straight up insufferable. Room-spinning vomit-inducing sensation. Literally nothing helps. Having my eyes open hurts but closing them just makes everything wobble and spin. Ive had more “standard” migraines before but they always felt so much easier to manage than the vestibular stuff. Is this normal?

Is there some secret answer I’m missing? I just want to cope easier.

My amazing PCP already answered a lot of questions for me but I figured I’d ask you guys personally— what should I be prepared for? I’m so excited but so anxious at the same time. I’m not the biggest fan of needles but I wanted to do SubQ anyways (gel just isn’t a good fit for me).

Stories? Personal experiences? Advice? Unexpected surprises? Anything really

This might sound weird. I struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I’ve been having an especially hard time lately. The attacks are hard to recover from which leaves me in a sort of dissociated state. However, I’ve heard that sour candies could help ground people in panic attacks, so I’m hoping it could work for me too.
I’ve tried sour skittles and warheads but they don’t pack as much of a punch as I’d like.
What are some truly extreme sour candies?

I have PTSD. I’ve been struggling with it a bit more than usual lately. Im trying all the tools I have but I’m exploring additional techniques as well. I’ve heard that sour candies can help ground you during panic attacks so I figured maybe it would work for myself. I’ve tried sour skittles and warheads before but they don’t pack as much of an intense punch as I’d like.

What are some truly extreme sour candies?

Edit: Typos

How frequently do you guys find your mood cycling? Any prominent triggers or patterns? Or just anything you find to be different from that of other bipolar friends?

I feel like I don’t often see a lot of ultra rapid cycling or “ultradian” discussion here. My doctor diagnosed me a while ago but I never heard from someone with the same cycling tendencies so I was curious to hear it from your own personal experiences.