u/thefifthmountain5

(LONG POST)

We are from the same country but met online back in September and been maintaining long distance. I'm finishing my degree abroad while he's working back in our country. Because of the distance and the limited financial means as well as time pressing us, we made those meetings happen and there was kind of a "push" to be intimate while at it, to spend as much time together as possible, and to get to know each other within those limited days we had available. We met for the first time in real life in January, and ever since, we've been flying to each other, whether for a weekend, for a week, just spend time together. The thing is, I'm kind of a "slow-moving boat", and I do not like being rushed into anything. I had been celibate for 3-4 years now, and I did not seek sexual encounters nor instant gratification. Never got the hype. Him on the other hand, he's much more sexually experienced and "liberated", and he also tends to rush. He's neurodivergent with ADHD, he gets easily excitable and cannot contain himself. It could be due to our age gap, but I felt like there was a gap between us, which I felt like I could potentially not live up to when it comes to sexual experience and also life experience in general. I wanted to take things slow, learn about the person. I wanted to have an idea of who I have in front of me, what to expect, connect first before we jump into anything intimate. And this is something I would not rush that quick, I had never done so my entire life, and I was most definitely not intending to do so now.... Long story short, we were intimate very early on during the January visit. And the trip was great. We seemed to click a lot in person, even though there were some things that I kind of didn't like when it comes to him getting overly excitable and almost like he doesn't listen at times because he gets so excited that everything around him just blurs out.

I've always had and still do have a problem with retroactive jealousy and when it comes to the past, be it, you know, hotter girlfriends or just boasting about how good the sex was or just overall the concept of someone who means so much to me talking in third person about someone else just makes me sick to my stomach to say the very least. I've always had this problem ever since I was a child and it stems from trauma which was related to me not feeling chosen or that there was always someone better they would choose and leave me behind. Same thing also applied to friendships, like when my closest friends who I viewed as family talked so nicely about how much they admire another person and how great of a friend they are or how blessed they are to have them in their lives. It would always trigger this wound in me that I wouldn't be chosen and I would be abandoned at any given chance because this is what the majority of my life experience has been. In addition, I took the matter of virginity and intimacy very seriously (not because of religion or culture) but I had a childhood love whom we grew up together and it was so beautiful and innocent and genuine that we had agreed we'd proceed when we're older and it was someone I loved deeply, grew up side by side with and who truly felt like home... I had attached intimacy and sharing closeness to this person only... Tbh, anyone that came after him was very hard to beat... feelings, excitement, depth wise... but that's a different story... It took me years to romantically get over my childhood love and the person I met after him... hence I never rushed into sex or seeking validation. Despite my heartbreak, need for warmth and a human presence next to me after being alone for so long, my hormones being out of control during ovulation and whatnot I respected myself and still chose to abstain and wait for someone that would match me...

He's the type of person to not filter things very much when he talks. He talks a lot, a lot of rambling nonsense about anything and everything. He didn't even realise how all of this was hurting me, he just casually makes references about the past same way he'd talk about what he saw on the news... He lets things out without processing much. Throughout the course of those 8 months he gave me a bit of an idea of things he was doing in the past, and even though I did not like what I heard, I just, I was like, OK, whatever, it's in the past, but he did not get into details. He just mentioned about past relationships and how he wasn't the greatest man out there. But I did not pay much attention to it.

So, fast forward to our current trip, he came over and we went to another city for a road trip in nature. We had our disagreements and we could not arrange our schedules well and he was taking too long to get ready, I was getting irritable, we couldn't decide where we're gonna go for a coffee, we couldn't get our asses going and just flow with our day and everything. And this becomes ultra annoying when you're in a huge urban city and half your day is gone because we can't get organised. Anyway so one time we had a really, really bad fight and we almost split. I was about to pack my stuff and leave. It was like on the third day of the trip. And then after things calmed down a little bit, we spent the entire night talking, we didn't sleep, laying there talking about life in general. And then out of fucking nowhere, he starts making these revelations about his past and how within the span of like, I don't know, six years, what he has done and all these things disturbed me to my core. I was sweating the entire time while listening to it. We were in the laying in the dark together and I could feel my blood going cold. I was sick to my stomach. I didn't get up to go for breakfast that morning at the hotel. He was getting into excessive detail about stuff that I had absolutely no idea about, including like criminal record and disturbing details about his relationships. And I'm not even gonna go there as to how bad the sexual details he was describing were disturbing and triggering me. Yet it was not so much about what he did. What bothered me the most was that all these actions and the way of thinking pointed to something deeper, what kind of person he is. And sure we've had had similar fights in the past where he would reveal to me that he used to cheat and all these things. And I was like, who the hell do I have in front of me? I have no fucking idea who this is. And then he kept blaming me. He was like, "you don't believe in redemption, you're judgemental af" "you don't believe people can be saved" "i've done so much to fight my demons, change my life and be reborn again, I have values" "I absolutely adore you, I find what we have sacred".

No matter what version of him I had sitting in from of me, after what I heard, the things he did were evil. You could blame it on youth stupidity and naivety but damn... It's not that he hurt someone in an irreversible way, but the mentality and the plotting and the scheming, all of this just, it did not indicate a pure person to me. And even though, yes, it's kind of a step forward to know something about their past, but it disturbed me so much to my core. I went numb and wanted to vomit. It ruined my trip entirely. I wanted to get up and leave, block him, not talk to him again ever. I could not view him sexually anymore. I did not feel anything besides disappointment and disgust. And I only then realized what a mistake it was to rush this fast with intimacy with a total stranger which was was a boundary crossing for me because it was something I would have never done on my own if I wasn't pressed into it. And I felt disgusted. I felt like I betrayed myself.

I've always had a problem with body count and "lots of experiences" but not in a red pill way, it was more so in the realm of "if you've done all these things with all these people, did you actually manage to form genuine bonds with each and every single one of them? how are you even expected to bond and you say you view me seriously, you want to build a life and start a family and you wanna be genuine and you've left the past behind, now you're trying to purify yourself. I just... I still don't have the full picture on whether he's been a lifelong scumbag cuz it's something he has in him or whether it was due to heartbreak and circumstances...

I literally feel like what happened between us on that trip was, without exaggeration, the drama with Zendaya and Robert Pattinson movie to the T. But in this case, I was Robert Pattinson. That shit kept haunting me to the extent of paranoia almost... I don't know if it's because I have BPD or due to my past traumas... I honestly don't think I can see past it. It's been a week since we've returned from the trip and we're back home. I feel like I have a ton of massive stones between my chest and my stomach. I'd get panic attacks, I could barely breathe, focus or be productive. I haven't been able to move past it... From all the graphic details about sex to his mentality to the things he was plotting to how desensitized and cruel he was... I was like, there's no way I'm actually taking this person seriously. There's no way this is the person I've been envisioning my life with for the past year almost... And also, I don't want anyone reading this to get offended, but you might think in your head that, you know, you're seeking salvation and you wanna change the course of your life and you wanna meet a new person and start anew. But are you aware how such thing would impact your partner if they found out? Like, let's say someone is hyper-religious and, they're looking for someone who's had it the same way in terms of outlook on life and values all along...Now imagine they just have an insanely high body count or, I don't know, they just did some pretty bad things that are hardcore line crossings and dealbreakers to the other person. You might think in your head you're doing a U-turn but is it truly like that?

He didn't understand why all of this was such a big deal to me and once he understood the damage it had caused me he wouldn't stop reassuring me about his genuine intentions and he was crying the entire trip nonstop after venting to the point he nearly had a heart attack from the emotional intensity of it all... But honestly what am I supposed to do now? I'm really really uncomfortable and after everything I've learned it's like I have voices in my ear putting doubts about the distance, his sincerity, my ability to trust him and whatnot... Idk if that's the kind of person he is or if it was just teenage stupidity...

Looking back at my life, I barely remember or relate to most of my experiences, mentalities, cliques of people I had around me, or even my own looks in pictures... it's not that I did any insane heinous acts, I just dont feel any connection to past eras of my life... he has told me many times that everything has been erased for him when we met, he is no longer that person, he recalls it as a faraway distant memory but has absolutely no attachment to any of it whatsoever... Do I keep on moving in good faith and see from there or do I drop it since it bothers me so much?

(LONG POST)

We are from the same country but met online back in September and been maintaining long distance. I'm finishing my degree abroad while he's working back in our country. Because of the distance and the limited financial means as well as time pressing us, we made those meetings happen and there was kind of a "push" to be intimate while at it, to spend as much time together as possible, and to get to know each other within those limited days we had available. We met for the first time in real life in January, and ever since, we've been flying to each other, whether for a weekend, for a week, just spend time together. The thing is, I'm kind of a "slow-moving boat", and I do not like being rushed into anything. I had been celibate for 3-4 years now, and I did not seek sexual encounters nor instant gratification. Never got the hype. Him on the other hand, he's much more sexually experienced and "liberated", and he also tends to rush. He's neurodivergent with ADHD, he gets easily excitable and cannot contain himself. It could be due to our age gap, but I felt like there was a gap between us, which I felt like I could potentially not live up to when it comes to sexual experience and also life experience in general. I wanted to take things slow, learn about the person. I wanted to have an idea of who I have in front of me, what to expect, connect first before we jump into anything intimate. And this is something I would not rush that quick, I had never done so my entire life, and I was most definitely not intending to do so now.... Long story short, we were intimate very early on during the January visit. And the trip was great. We seemed to click a lot in person, even though there were some things that I kind of didn't like when it comes to him getting overly excitable and almost like he doesn't listen at times because he gets so excited that everything around him just blurs out.

I've always had and still do have a problem with retroactive jealousy and when it comes to the past, be it, you know, hotter girlfriends or just boasting about how good the sex was or just overall the concept of someone who means so much to me talking in third person about someone else just makes me sick to my stomach to say the very least. I've always had this problem ever since I was a child and it stems from trauma which was related to me not feeling chosen or that there was always someone better they would choose and leave me behind. Same thing also applied to friendships, like when my closest friends who I viewed as family talked so nicely about how much they admire another person and how great of a friend they are or how blessed they are to have them in their lives. It would always trigger this wound in me that I wouldn't be chosen and I would be abandoned at any given chance because this is what the majority of my life experience has been. In addition, I took the matter of virginity and intimacy very seriously (not because of religion or culture) but I had a childhood love whom we grew up together and it was so beautiful and innocent and genuine that we had agreed we'd proceed when we're older and it was someone I loved deeply, grew up side by side with and who truly felt like home... I had attached intimacy and sharing closeness to this person only... Tbh, anyone that came after him was very hard to beat... feelings, excitement, depth wise... but that's a different story... It took me years to romantically get over my childhood love and the person I met after him... hence I never rushed into sex or seeking validation. Despite my heartbreak, need for warmth and a human presence next to me after being alone for so long, my hormones being out of control during ovulation and whatnot I respected myself and still chose to abstain and wait for someone that would match me...

He's the type of person to not filter things very much when he talks. He talks a lot, a lot of rambling nonsense about anything and everything. He didn't even realise how all of this was hurting me, he just casually makes references about the past same way he'd talk about what he saw on the news... He lets things out without processing much. Throughout the course of those 8 months he gave me a bit of an idea of things he was doing in the past, and even though I did not like what I heard, I just, I was like, OK, whatever, it's in the past, but he did not get into details. He just mentioned about past relationships and how he wasn't the greatest man out there. But I did not pay much attention to it.

So, fast forward to our current trip, he came over and we went to another city for a road trip in nature. We had our disagreements and we could not arrange our schedules well and he was taking too long to get ready, I was getting irritable, we couldn't decide where we're gonna go for a coffee, we couldn't get our asses going and just flow with our day and everything. And this becomes ultra annoying when you're in a huge urban city and half your day is gone because we can't get organised. Anyway so one time we had a really, really bad fight and we almost split. I was about to pack my stuff and leave. It was like on the third day of the trip. And then after things calmed down a little bit, we spent the entire night talking, we didn't sleep, laying there talking about life in general. And then out of fucking nowhere, he starts making these revelations about his past and how within the span of like, I don't know, six years, what he has done and all these things disturbed me to my core. I was sweating the entire time while listening to it. We were in the laying in the dark together and I could feel my blood going cold. I was sick to my stomach. I didn't get up to go for breakfast that morning at the hotel. He was getting into excessive detail about stuff that I had absolutely no idea about, including like criminal record and disturbing details about his relationships. And I'm not even gonna go there as to how bad the sexual details he was describing were disturbing and triggering me. Yet it was not so much about what he did. What bothered me the most was that all these actions and the way of thinking pointed to something deeper, what kind of person he is. And sure we've had had similar fights in the past where he would reveal to me that he used to cheat and all these things. And I was like, who the hell do I have in front of me? I have no fucking idea who this is. And then he kept blaming me. He was like, "you don't believe in redemption, you're judgemental af" "you don't believe people can be saved" "i've done so much to fight my demons, change my life and be reborn again, I have values" "I absolutely adore you, I find what we have sacred".

No matter what version of him I had sitting in from of me, after what I heard, the things he did were evil. You could blame it on youth stupidity and naivety but damn... It's not that he hurt someone in an irreversible way, but the mentality and the plotting and the scheming, all of this just, it did not indicate a pure person to me. And even though, yes, it's kind of a step forward to know something about their past, but it disturbed me so much to my core. I went numb and wanted to vomit. It ruined my trip entirely. I wanted to get up and leave, block him, not talk to him again ever. I could not view him sexually anymore. I did not feel anything besides disappointment and disgust. And I only then realized what a mistake it was to rush this fast with intimacy with a total stranger which was was a boundary crossing for me because it was something I would have never done on my own if I wasn't pressed into it. And I felt disgusted. I felt like I betrayed myself.

I've always had a problem with body count and "lots of experiences" but not in a red pill way, it was more so in the realm of "if you've done all these things with all these people, did you actually manage to form genuine bonds with each and every single one of them? how are you even expected to bond and you say you view me seriously, you want to build a life and start a family and you wanna be genuine and you've left the past behind, now you're trying to purify yourself. I just... I still don't have the full picture on whether he's been a lifelong scumbag cuz it's something he has in him or whether it was due to heartbreak and circumstances...

I literally feel like what happened between us on that trip was, without exaggeration, the drama with Zendaya and Robert Pattinson movie to the T. But in this case, I was Robert Pattinson. That shit kept haunting me to the extent of paranoia almost... I don't know if it's because I have BPD or due to my past traumas... I honestly don't think I can see past it. It's been a week since we've returned from the trip and we're back home. I feel like I have a ton of massive stones between my chest and my stomach. I'd get panic attacks, I could barely breathe, focus or be productive. I haven't been able to move past it... From all the graphic details about sex to his mentality to the things he was plotting to how desensitized and cruel he was... I was like, there's no way I'm actually taking this person seriously. There's no way this is the person I've been envisioning my life with for the past year almost... And also, I don't want anyone reading this to get offended, but you might think in your head that, you know, you're seeking salvation and you wanna change the course of your life and you wanna meet a new person and start anew. But are you aware how such thing would impact your partner if they found out? Like, let's say someone is hyper-religious and, they're looking for someone who's had it the same way in terms of outlook on life and values all along...Now imagine they just have an insanely high body count or, I don't know, they just did some pretty bad things that are hardcore line crossings and dealbreakers to the other person. You might think in your head you're doing a U-turn but is it truly like that?

He didn't understand why all of this was such a big deal to me and once he understood the damage it had caused me he wouldn't stop reassuring me about his genuine intentions and he was crying the entire trip nonstop after venting to the point he nearly had a heart attack from the emotional intensity of it all... But honestly what am I supposed to do now? I'm really really uncomfortable and after everything I've learned it's like I have voices in my ear putting doubts about the distance, his sincerity, my ability to trust him and whatnot... Idk if that's the kind of person he is or if it was just teenage stupidity...

Looking back at my life, I barely remember or relate to most of my experiences, mentalities, cliques of people I had around me, or even my own looks in pictures... it's not that I did any insane heinous acts, I just dont feel any connection to past eras of my life... he has told me many times that everything has been erased for him when we met, he is no longer that person, he recalls it as a faraway distant memory but has absolutely no attachment to any of it whatsoever... Do I keep on moving in good faith and see from there or do I drop it since it bothers me so much?

(LONG POST)

We are from the same country but met online back in September and been maintaining long distance. I'm finishing my degree abroad while he's working back in our country. Because of the distance and the limited financial means as well as time pressing us, we made those meetings happen and there was kind of a "push" to be intimate while at it, to spend as much time together as possible, and to get to know each other within those limited days we had available. We met for the first time in real life in January, and ever since, we've been flying to each other, whether for a weekend, for a week, just spend time together. The thing is, I'm kind of a "slow-moving boat", and I do not like being rushed into anything. I had been celibate for 3-4 years now, and I did not seek sexual encounters nor instant gratification. Never got the hype. Him on the other hand, he's much more sexually experienced and "liberated", and he also tends to rush. He's neurodivergent with ADHD, he gets easily excitable and cannot contain himself. It could be due to our age gap, but I felt like there was a gap between us, which I felt like I could potentially not live up to when it comes to sexual experience and also life experience in general. I wanted to take things slow, learn about the person. I wanted to have an idea of who I have in front of me, what to expect, connect first before we jump into anything intimate. And this is something I would not rush that quick, I had never done so my entire life, and I was most definitely not intending to do so now.... Long story short, we were intimate very early on during the January visit. And the trip was great. We seemed to click a lot in person, even though there were some things that I kind of didn't like when it comes to him getting overly excitable and almost like he doesn't listen at times because he gets so excited that everything around him just blurs out.

I've always had and still do have a problem with retroactive jealousy and when it comes to the past, be it, you know, hotter girlfriends or just boasting about how good the sex was or just overall the concept of someone who means so much to me talking in third person about someone else just makes me sick to my stomach to say the very least. I've always had this problem ever since I was a child and it stems from trauma which was related to me not feeling chosen or that there was always someone better they would choose and leave me behind. Same thing also applied to friendships, like when my closest friends who I viewed as family talked so nicely about how much they admire another person and how great of a friend they are or how blessed they are to have them in their lives. It would always trigger this wound in me that I wouldn't be chosen and I would be abandoned at any given chance because this is what the majority of my life experience has been. In addition, I took the matter of virginity and intimacy very seriously (not because of religion or culture) but I had a childhood love whom we grew up together and it was so beautiful and innocent and genuine that we had agreed we'd proceed when we're older and it was someone I loved deeply, grew up side by side with and who truly felt like home... I had attached intimacy and sharing closeness to this person only... Tbh, anyone that came after him was very hard to beat... feelings, excitement, depth wise... but that's a different story... It took me years to romantically get over my childhood love and the person I met after him... hence I never rushed into sex or seeking validation. Despite my heartbreak, need for warmth and a human presence next to me after being alone for so long, my hormones being out of control during ovulation and whatnot I respected myself and still chose to abstain and wait for someone that would match me...

He's the type of person to not filter things very much when he talks. He talks a lot, a lot of rambling nonsense about anything and everything. He didn't even realise how all of this was hurting me, he just casually makes references about the past same way he'd talk about what he saw on the news... He lets things out without processing much. Throughout the course of those 8 months he gave me a bit of an idea of things he was doing in the past, and even though I did not like what I heard, I just, I was like, OK, whatever, it's in the past, but he did not get into details. He just mentioned about past relationships and how he wasn't the greatest man out there. But I did not pay much attention to it.

So, fast forward to our current trip, he came over and we went to another city for a road trip in nature. We had our disagreements and we could not arrange our schedules well and he was taking too long to get ready, I was getting irritable, we couldn't decide where we're gonna go for a coffee, we couldn't get our asses going and just flow with our day and everything. And this becomes ultra annoying when you're in a huge urban city and half your day is gone because we can't get organised. Anyway so one time we had a really, really bad fight and we almost split. I was about to pack my stuff and leave. It was like on the third day of the trip. And then after things calmed down a little bit, we spent the entire night talking, we didn't sleep, laying there talking about life in general. And then out of fucking nowhere, he starts making these revelations about his past and how within the span of like, I don't know, six years, what he has done and all these things disturbed me to my core. I was sweating the entire time while listening to it. We were in the laying in the dark together and I could feel my blood going cold. I was sick to my stomach. I didn't get up to go for breakfast that morning at the hotel. He was getting into excessive detail about stuff that I had absolutely no idea about, including like criminal record and disturbing details about his relationships. And I'm not even gonna go there as to how bad the sexual details he was describing were disturbing and triggering me. Yet it was not so much about what he did. What bothered me the most was that all these actions and the way of thinking pointed to something deeper, what kind of person he is. And sure we've had had similar fights in the past where he would reveal to me that he used to cheat and all these things. And I was like, who the hell do I have in front of me? I have no fucking idea who this is. And then he kept blaming me. He was like, "you don't believe in redemption, you're judgemental af" "you don't believe people can be saved" "i've done so much to fight my demons, change my life and be reborn again, I have values" "I absolutely adore you, I find what we have sacred".

No matter what version of him I had sitting in from of me, after what I heard, the things he did were evil. You could blame it on youth stupidity and naivety but damn... It's not that he hurt someone in an irreversible way, but the mentality and the plotting and the scheming, all of this just, it did not indicate a pure person to me. And even though, yes, it's kind of a step forward to know something about their past, but it disturbed me so much to my core. I went numb and wanted to vomit. It ruined my trip entirely. I wanted to get up and leave, block him, not talk to him again ever. I could not view him sexually anymore. I did not feel anything besides disappointment and disgust. And I only then realized what a mistake it was to rush this fast with intimacy with a total stranger which was was a boundary crossing for me because it was something I would have never done on my own if I wasn't pressed into it. And I felt disgusted. I felt like I betrayed myself.

I've always had a problem with body count and "lots of experiences" but not in a red pill way, it was more so in the realm of "if you've done all these things with all these people, did you actually manage to form genuine bonds with each and every single one of them? how are you even expected to bond and you say you view me seriously, you want to build a life and start a family and you wanna be genuine and you've left the past behind, now you're trying to purify yourself. I just... I still don't have the full picture on whether he's been a lifelong scumbag cuz it's something he has in him or whether it was due to heartbreak and circumstances...

I literally feel like what happened between us on that trip was, without exaggeration, the drama with Zendaya and Robert Pattinson movie to the T. But in this case, I was Robert Pattinson. That shit kept haunting me to the extent of paranoia almost... I don't know if it's because I have BPD or due to my past traumas... I honestly don't think I can see past it. It's been a week since we've returned from the trip and we're back home. I feel like I have a ton of massive stones between my chest and my stomach. I'd get panic attacks, I could barely breathe, focus or be productive. I haven't been able to move past it... From all the graphic details about sex to his mentality to the things he was plotting to how desensitized and cruel he was... I was like, there's no way I'm actually taking this person seriously. There's no way this is the person I've been envisioning my life with for the past year almost... And also, I don't want anyone reading this to get offended, but you might think in your head that, you know, you're seeking salvation and you wanna change the course of your life and you wanna meet a new person and start anew. But are you aware how such thing would impact your partner if they found out? Like, let's say someone is hyper-religious and, they're looking for someone who's had it the same way in terms of outlook on life and values all along...Now imagine they just have an insanely high body count or, I don't know, they just did some pretty bad things that are hardcore line crossings and dealbreakers to the other person. You might think in your head you're doing a U-turn but is it truly like that?

He didn't understand why all of this was such a big deal to me and once he understood the damage it had caused me he wouldn't stop reassuring me about his genuine intentions and he was crying the entire trip nonstop after venting to the point he nearly had a heart attack from the emotional intensity of it all... I'm really really uncomfortable and after everything I've learned it's like I have voices in my ear putting doubts about the distance, his sincerity, my ability to trust him and whatnot... Idk if that's the kind of person he is or if it was just teenage stupidity...

Looking back at my life, I barely remember or relate to most of my experiences, mentalities, cliques of people I had around me, or even my own looks in pictures... it's not that I did any insane heinous acts, I just dont feel any connection to past eras of my life... he has told me many times that everything has been erased for him when we met, he is no longer that person, he recalls it as a faraway distant memory but has absolutely no attachment to any of it whatsoever...

(LONG POST)

We are from the same country but met online back in September and been maintaining long distance. I'm finishing my degree abroad while he's working back in our country. Because of the distance and the limited financial means as well as time pressing us, we made those meetings happen and there was kind of a "push" to be intimate while at it, to spend as much time together as possible, and to get to know each other within those limited days we had available. We met for the first time in real life in January, and ever since, we've been flying to each other, whether for a weekend, for a week, just spend time together. The thing is, I'm kind of a "slow-moving boat", and I do not like being rushed into anything. I had been celibate for 3-4 years now, and I did not seek sexual encounters nor instant gratification. Never got the hype. Him on the other hand, he's much more sexually experienced and "liberated", and he also tends to rush. He's neurodivergent with ADHD, he gets easily excitable and cannot contain himself. It could be due to our age gap, but I felt like there was a gap between us, which I felt like I could potentially not live up to when it comes to sexual experience and also life experience in general. I wanted to take things slow, learn about the person. I wanted to have an idea of who I have in front of me, what to expect, connect first before we jump into anything intimate. And this is something I would not rush that quick, I had never done so my entire life, and I was most definitely not intending to do so now.... Long story short, we were intimate very early on during the January visit. And the trip was great. We seemed to click a lot in person, even though there were some things that I kind of didn't like when it comes to him getting overly excitable and almost like he doesn't listen at times because he gets so excited that everything around him just blurs out.

I've always had and still do have a problem with retroactive jealousy and when it comes to the past, be it, you know, hotter girlfriends or just boasting about how good the sex was or just overall the concept of someone who means so much to me talking in third person about someone else just makes me sick to my stomach to say the very least. I've always had this problem ever since I was a child and it stems from trauma which was related to me not feeling chosen or that there was always someone better they would choose and leave me behind. Same thing also applied to friendships, like when my closest friends who I viewed as family talked so nicely about how much they admire another person and how great of a friend they are or how blessed they are to have them in their lives. It would always trigger this wound in me that I wouldn't be chosen and I would be abandoned at any given chance because this is what the majority of my life experience has been. In addition, I took the matter of virginity and intimacy very seriously (not because of religion or culture) but I had a childhood love whom we grew up together and it was so beautiful and innocent and genuine that we had agreed we'd proceed when we're older and it was someone I loved deeply, grew up side by side with and who truly felt like home... I had attached intimacy and sharing closeness to this person only... Tbh, anyone that came after him was very hard to beat... feelings, excitement, depth wise... but that's a different story... It took me years to romantically get over my childhood love and the person I met after him... hence I never rushed into sex or seeking validation. Despite my heartbreak, need for warmth and a human presence next to me after being alone for so long, my hormones being out of control during ovulation and whatnot I respected myself and still chose to abstain and wait for someone that would match me...

He's the type of person to not filter things very much when he talks. He talks a lot, a lot of rambling nonsense about anything and everything. He didn't even realise how all of this was hurting me, he just casually makes references about the past same way he'd talk about what he saw on the news... He lets things out without processing much. Throughout the course of those 8 months he gave me a bit of an idea of things he was doing in the past, and even though I did not like what I heard, I just, I was like, OK, whatever, it's in the past, but he did not get into details. He just mentioned about past relationships and how he wasn't the greatest man out there. But I did not pay much attention to it.

So, fast forward to our current trip, he came over and we went to another city for a road trip in nature. We had our disagreements and we could not arrange our schedules well and he was taking too long to get ready, I was getting irritable, we couldn't decide where we're gonna go for a coffee, we couldn't get our asses going and just flow with our day and everything. And this becomes ultra annoying when you're in a huge urban city and half your day is gone because we can't get organised. Anyway so one time we had a really, really bad fight and we almost split. I was about to pack my stuff and leave. It was like on the third day of the trip. And then after things calmed down a little bit, we spent the entire night talking, we didn't sleep, laying there talking about life in general. And then out of fucking nowhere, he starts making these revelations about his past and how within the span of like, I don't know, six years, what he has done and all these things disturbed me to my core. I was sweating the entire time while listening to it. We were in the laying in the dark together and I could feel my blood going cold. I was sick to my stomach. I didn't get up to go for breakfast that morning at the hotel. He was getting into excessive detail about stuff that I had absolutely no idea about, including like criminal record and disturbing details about his relationships. And I'm not even gonna go there as to how bad the sexual details he was describing were disturbing and triggering me. Yet it was not so much about what he did. What bothered me the most was that all these actions and the way of thinking pointed to something deeper, what kind of person he is. And sure we've had had similar fights in the past where he would reveal to me that he used to cheat and all these things. And I was like, who the hell do I have in front of me? I have no fucking idea who this is. And then he kept blaming me. He was like, "you don't believe in redemption, you're judgemental af" "you don't believe people can be saved" "i've done so much to fight my demons, change my life and be reborn again, I have values" "I absolutely adore you, I find what we have sacred".

No matter what version of him I had sitting in from of me, after what I heard, the things he did were evil. You could blame it on youth stupidity and naivety but damn... It's not that he hurt someone in an irreversible way, but the mentality and the plotting and the scheming, all of this just, it did not indicate a pure person to me. And even though, yes, it's kind of a step forward to know something about their past, but it disturbed me so much to my core. I went numb and wanted to vomit. It ruined my trip entirely. I wanted to get up and leave, block him, not talk to him again ever. I could not view him sexually anymore. I did not feel anything besides disappointment and disgust. And I only then realized what a mistake it was to rush this fast with intimacy with a total stranger which was was a boundary crossing for me because it was something I would have never done on my own if I wasn't pressed into it. And I felt disgusted. I felt like I betrayed myself.

I've always had a problem with body count and "lots of experiences" but not in a red pill way, it was more so in the realm of "if you've done all these things with all these people, did you actually manage to form genuine bonds with each and every single one of them? how are you even expected to bond and you say you view me seriously, you want to build a life and start a family and you wanna be genuine and you've left the past behind, now you're trying to purify yourself. I just... I still don't have the full picture on whether he's been a lifelong scumbag cuz it's something he has in him or whether it was due to heartbreak and circumstances...

I literally feel like what happened between us on that trip was, without exaggeration, the drama with Zendaya and Robert Pattinson movie to the T. But in this case, I was Robert Pattinson. That shit kept haunting me to the extent of paranoia almost... I don't know if it's because I have BPD or due to my past traumas... I honestly don't think I can see past it. It's been a week since we've returned from the trip and we're back home. I feel like I have a ton of massive stones between my chest and my stomach. I'd get panic attacks, I could barely breathe, focus or be productive. I haven't been able to move past it... From all the graphic details about sex to his mentality to the things he was plotting to how desensitized and cruel he was... I was like, there's no way I'm actually taking this person seriously. There's no way this is the person I've been envisioning my life with for the past year almost... And also, I don't want anyone reading this to get offended, but you might think in your head that, you know, you're seeking salvation and you wanna change the course of your life and you wanna meet a new person and start anew. But are you aware how such thing would impact your partner if they found out? Like, let's say someone is hyper-religious and, they're looking for someone who's had it the same way in terms of outlook on life and values all along...Now imagine they just have an insanely high body count or, I don't know, they just did some pretty bad things that are hardcore line crossings and dealbreakers to the other person. You might think in your head you're doing a U-turn but is it truly like that?

He didn't understand why all of this was such a big deal to me and once he understood the damage it had caused me he wouldn't stop reassuring me about his genuine intentions and he was crying the entire trip nonstop after venting to the point he nearly had a heart attack from the emotional intensity of it all... But honestly what am I supposed to do now? I'm really really uncomfortable and after everything I've learned it's like I have voices in my ear putting doubts about the distance, his sincerity, my ability to trust him and whatnot... Idk if that's the kind of person he is or if it was just teenage stupidity...

Looking back at my life, I barely remember or relate to most of my experiences, mentalities, cliques of people I had around me, or even my own looks in pictures... it's not that I did any insane heinous acts, I just dont feel any connection to past eras of my life... he has told me many times that everything has been erased for him when we met, he is no longer that person, he recalls it as a faraway distant memory but has absolutely no attachment to any of it whatsoever... Do I keep on moving in good faith and see from there or do I drop it since it bothers me so much?

My (24F) boyfriend (29M) has ADHD and idk if it's due to neurodivergence, but it comes across like he doesn't listen or respect basic things, including boundaries. I've also noticed similar patterns with other diagnosed people I've interacted with, mostly males.

Like it may take him 1h 20mins to shower and get ready in the bathroom cuz he likes to sing, take his time, shave and all, and even though I don't push or ruin it for him, I wait til he's ready. When he's all done with his little rituals and is ready to go downstairs he is rushing me like crazy. I told him to wait at the parking lot and I'll be downstairs in 10 minutes cuz i wanted to wash my face and put some sunscreen on... within those 10 minutes he called me twice all impatient and fidgety telling me to hurry up cuz he can't stand the sun... During intimacy I always respect if he's uncomfortable with something or if he got a cramp or just wants time to breathe cuz he has heart problems. When he says no it's a no and there's no way around it... but when I need more time to adjust cuz maybe we've been fighting a lot and just need more time to warm up and get into it again he starts being moody, saying he feels Im losing interest in him or even during the act he won't listen when i tell him to do/not do something... idk but i feel there's always double standards in terms of understanding and respect for boundaries/ compromise...

Idk if it's ignorance, him not caring or if it's the severe ADHD... he may suggest 80 different ideas on the spot about what we should do later and then he'll spend the whole day doing other things getting distracted, plus the time he'll spend in the bathroom for his daily rituals and then get all mad that the day is gone... similar people with ADHD ive met also tend to do the same including interrupting, ragebaiting and overall not listening... plus they take stuff I mean seriously way too lightly and omit it, including what bothers me or what constitutes a line crossing... and even though I can tell its not malicious aka they dont intend to purposely hurt me, they genuinely operate like this and it comes across as massive disrespect... they dont realise that they're doing it in the moment, only when i lash out and express how much it bothered me... I'd like more insights on this please

My (24F) boyfriend (29M) has ADHD and idk if it's due to neurodivergence, but it comes across like he doesn't listen or respect basic things, including boundaries. I've also noticed similar patterns with other diagnosed people I've interacted with, mostly males.

Like it may take him 1h 20mins to shower and get ready in the bathroom cuz he likes to sing, take his time, shave and all, and even though I don't push or ruin it for him, I wait til he's ready. When he's all done with his little rituals and is ready to go downstairs he is rushing me like crazy. I told him to wait at the parking lot and I'll be downstairs in 10 minutes cuz i wanted to wash my face and put some sunscreen on... within those 10 minutes he called me twice all impatient and fidgety telling me to hurry up cuz he can't stand the sun... During intimacy I always respect if he's uncomfortable with something or if he got a cramp or just wants time to breathe cuz he has heart problems. When he says no it's a no and there's no way around it... but when I need more time to adjust cuz maybe we've been fighting a lot and just need more time to warm up and get into it again he starts being moody, saying he feels Im losing interest in him or even during the act he won't listen when i tell him to do/not do something... idk but i feel there's always double standards in terms of understanding and respect for boundaries/ compromise...

Idk if it's ignorance, him not caring or if it's the severe ADHD... he may suggest 80 different ideas on the spot about what we should do later and then he'll spend the whole day doing other things getting distracted, plus the time he'll spend in the bathroom for his daily rituals and then get all mad that the day is gone... similar people with ADHD ive met also tend to do the same including interrupting, ragebaiting and overall not listening... plus they take stuff I mean seriously way too lightly and omit it, including what bothers me or what constitutes a line crossing... and even though I can tell its not malicious aka they dont intend to purposely hurt me, they genuinely operate like this and it comes across as massive disrespect... they dont realise that they're doing it in the moment, only when i lash out and express how much it bothered me... I'd like more insights on this please

My (24F) boyfriend (29M) has ADHD and idk if it's due to neurodivergence, but it comes across like he doesn't listen or respect basic things, including boundaries. I've also noticed similar patterns with other diagnosed people I've interacted with, mostly males.

Like it may take him 1h 20mins to shower and get ready in the bathroom cuz he likes to sing, take his time, shave and all, and even though I don't push or ruin it for him, I wait til he's ready. When he's all done with his little rituals and is ready to go downstairs he is rushing me like crazy. I told him to wait at the parking lot and I'll be downstairs in 10 minutes cuz i wanted to wash my face and put some sunscreen on... within those 10 minutes he called me twice all impatient and fidgety telling me to hurry up cuz he can't stand the sun... During intimacy I always respect if he's uncomfortable with something or if he got a cramp or just wants time to breathe cuz he has heart problems. When he says no it's a no and there's no way around it... but when I need more time to adjust cuz maybe we've been fighting a lot and just need more time to warm up and get into it again he starts being moody, saying he feels Im losing interest in him or even during the act he won't listen when i tell him to do/not do something... idk but i feel there's always double standards in terms of understanding and respect for boundaries/ compromise...

Idk if it's ignorance, him not caring or if it's the severe ADHD... he may suggest 80 different ideas on the spot about what we should do later and then he'll spend the whole day doing other things getting distracted, plus the time he'll spend in the bathroom for his daily rituals and then get all mad that the day is gone... similar people with ADHD ive met also tend to do the same including interrupting, ragebaiting and overall not listening... plus they take stuff I mean seriously way too lightly and omit it, including what bothers me or what constitutes a line crossing... and even though I can tell its not malicious aka they dont intend to purposely hurt me, they genuinely operate like this and it comes across as massive disrespect... they dont realise that they're doing it in the moment, only when i lash out and express how much it bothered me... I'd like more insights on this please

My (24F) boyfriend (29M) has ADHD and idk if it's due to neurodivergence, but it comes across like he doesn't listen or respect basic things, including boundaries. I've also noticed similar patterns with other diagnosed people I've interacted with, mostly males.

Like it may take him 1h 20mins to shower and get ready in the bathroom cuz he likes to sing, take his time, shave and all, and even though I don't push or ruin it for him, I wait til he's ready. When he's all done with his little rituals and is ready to go downstairs he is rushing me like crazy. I told him to wait at the parking lot and I'll be downstairs in 10 minutes cuz i wanted to wash my face and put some sunscreen on... within those 10 minutes he called me twice all impatient and fidgety telling me to hurry up cuz he can't stand the sun... During intimacy I always respect if he's uncomfortable with something or if he got a cramp or just wants time to breathe cuz he has heart problems. When he says no it's a no and there's no way around it... but when I need more time to adjust cuz maybe we've been fighting a lot and just need more time to warm up and get into it again he starts being moody, saying he feels Im losing interest in him or even during the act he won't listen when i tell him to do/not do something... idk but i feel there's always double standards in terms of understanding and respect for boundaries/ compromise...

Idk if it's ignorance, him not caring or if it's the severe ADHD... he may suggest 80 different ideas on the spot about what we should do later and then he'll spend the whole day doing other things getting distracted, plus the time he'll spend in the bathroom for his daily rituals and then get all mad that the day is gone... similar people with ADHD ive met also tend to do the same including interrupting, ragebaiting and overall not listening... plus they take stuff I mean seriously way too lightly and omit it, including what bothers me or what constitutes a line crossing... and even though I can tell its not malicious aka they dont intend to purposely hurt me, they genuinely operate like this and it comes across as massive disrespect... they dont realise that they're doing it in the moment, only when i lash out and express how much it bothered me... I'd like more insights on this please

(LONG VENTING POST)

We met online late September, hit it off pretty quick. Super engaged and excited, texting, expressing interest and intention, eventually booked tickets to make a meeting happen within 3 months (it was what was financially possible for both of us at the time), kept trying to balance studies, work, taking care of elderly parents as the only source of income and caretaker, saving aside for his next steps etc. He viewed what we have very seriously (and still does I believe) and although he is financially struggling he never let it stop him from trying.

He came to my city, we met irl, had an amazing time together, we were intimate, and then about a month later I went to his city (we are from the same country but I live abroad atm for uni). We spent more time there, restaurants, motorbike rides, showing me where he grew up, his daily routine, places he goes to etc and felt the happiest that I was there. Had a lovely time.

About a month later his parents received a high amount of money in compensation for something. The very second that happened he started treating work like it's completely optional. Maybe it was a breath of fresh air allowing him to relax a bit while living his entire life on survival mode. On top of that, the army called him that he has to serve this summer. It's like he felt so thrown off by all the obstacles that will get in the way until we'll be able to move in together (we were talking about doing so down the line, eventually, once we're ready). As it stands right now, we're talking about at least 1.5 year or more of not seeing each other and staying apart. He fell into depression, didn't work, didn't study for his exams, didn't do anything. Slept for days and started his days at 4pm... He says he misses me tremendously and it has affected his day to day life across every domain. At times, due to the distance and some insecurities or misunderstandings surfacing over the phone we'd have some petty fights and not talk for 2-3 days, he says it poisons him and he needs days to recover after that... He came over to my city again now and we spent another week together.

I tried bringing it up sideways and politely that all of these shifts concern me, I tried asking if something was happening at home or with friends, if he starts questioning our relationship due to distance/circumstances, if there's anything else i should know and he said absolutely not he was stunned that i even asked such thing. He was like "do you feel a shift on my part towards you?" We'd have a bit of teasing and spicy talk to keep the momentum, but after it was done in person and we returned back home he minimised it and almost stopped initiating or asking for it. It made me wonder whether I did something wrong, whether he's no longer attracted to me or whether he satisfies his needs ... in other ways... He said that after we bonded so well together in real life going back to his daily schedule is so difficult because his mind isnt there and he cant enjoy anything... Including the intimacy part, he says even if we do what we used to do via distance he gets incredibly sad after cuz he's laying in an empty bed ... In real life when we're together he's perfectly normal as always, super energetic and caring and talkative and happy overall. I'm not trying to make it about me, I'm just trying to understand and see what can be done.

It gets better.... Last week we were together in my city and even though we had some good times most of it was shit... petty fights, misunderstandings, getting on each other's nerves over stupid stuff like car rentals, waiting for one another to get ready, him being all sexual in person right upon seeing me while not respecting I needed some time to recover emotionally from all this emotional distance between us.... We didn't have sex again all this week despite not having seen each other for 4 months... I wanted to pack my stuff and leave because I found myself crying in the bathroom every night cuz of all the emotional turmoil over nothing... I decided not to do it however and thought I'd give it a chance... He had already spent so much money into making this trip happen with money that he didnt have. The night we had the most intense fight we didn't sleep at all and were in bed talking in the dark about life stories and stuff in general... He started letting loose and telling me stories of things I had never heard before which made me genuinely lose my shit... I wont get into details but it was relevant to his past, including exes, criminal record, cheating and stuff that personally disturbed me and made me sick to my stomach.... He doesnt mind talking these things but hearing about them makes me deeply uncomfortable... In general I have it as a rule that I don't ever mention exes or past because I respect the person I am with now, but often times he'd do that and I just wanted to vomit... The thing is, it's not so much about what he did but more so what kind of person he is... It made my guard go up immediately. Sexually I now feel blocked and unable to do anything. I was moody most of the time after that conversation and I simply could not hide how bad it wrecked me and ruined my holiday... He says our relationship is salvation to him and he views it as sacred, a U-turn from his previous fucked up life choices.

It's not that I don't believe in salvation, but I don't know context neither what this person is made of. I'm now meeting the supposed "changed" version of someone who, from what I heard from his own mouth, was pretty shitty and horrible in the past. I don't know if that's something he has in him or whether circumstances, youth stupidity/naivety pushed him in that direction, but something in me has been locked. I don't know how to feel. In addition, spending more time together irl made us even more attached, and now I feel my judgement is blurred by emotions, sadness over distance, crying full of brain fog at the airport and so much confusion... He's been super transparent with me all along, he's the type to never hide his dissatisfaction with something be it attraction to me, uncomfortable truths, stuff that bothers him... he always voices whatever is on his mind very unfiltered and unapollogetically... I don't feel that he's the type to drag something long distance if he doesnt see a future due to the army, financial issues, his parents, time spent apart, finding someone else etc... I am deeply bothered that we proceeded sexually so quick while I never normally move like this. I'm very slow, want to get to know the person, see what I'm dealing with, see if we connect well and then naturally get into intimacy with time... Here, due to long distance it's like it was a "push" to be intimate due to limited time... I now find out about stuff that has really disturbed me (despite being things from the past) which would be an insane red flag to me. A lot of the times I felt violated in terms of boundaries, maybe because he is overly enthusiastic and acts on the spot without thinking, and seems to zone out and not listen at all... For sure neurodivergence has something to do with it, but it's made me uncomfortable... Even when i've tried explaining stuff that bothers me he doesn't seem to get it, jumps in mid-convo changing 18674 different topics, losing his train of thought, is very chaotic and mostly blaming my moodiness and that he thinks I've changed my mind or lost interest in him...

Idk how else to explain that Im annoyed that he doesnt listen and some stuff affects me much deeper than i let on... It has nothing to do with me losing attraction, was never about that... I asked him upon leaving whether he thinks we are compatible and whether we are on the same page and want to continue our relationship he said even if we don't always agree on everything, he doesn't view any of this as a dealbreaker because he doesn't sense malice from me... he said sure you can be moody and get overwhelmed at times when you dont feel safe but we can definitely work on it..

I honestly need some time to gather my thoughts and think clearly without emotions in the way... A lot of things bothered me on that trip, including that I'm a huge planner while he acts on the spot and doesn't think or plan anything ahead. Like sure I recognise he always finds solutions in the end and we've never gotten in trouble, but I don't feel secure with someone who's this laid back about everything... he takes about 2 hours to get ready, shower get dressed before we leave and I wait for him on the bed without saying anything... after I tell him to pick up the car from the parking lot and I'll be downstairs in 10 minutes he will call me twice to tell me to hurry up that he gets all fidgety and cant stand the sun... he is chaotic and gets impatient easily.. the thing about his past also deeply disturbed me and I don't know if i can truly get past it. I find he's rational and self-serving. Not necessarily in a bad way, we all are in some way shape or form be it emotionally or materially... but it's just how I perceive it. Like sure he has done so many things for me and our relationship, he goes the extra mile despite not having the luxury to do so, but he's not doing these because he's a cutie loving me unconditionally, he sees benefit in such relationship. I can't help but feel like he'd drop me like a washcloth on the floor the second he loses interest despite saying he wants me by his side to build a future long-term, get married, have children etc... or it could be that what I heard about his past that poisoned me... We sure all have a past and we shouldn't be crucified for it but honestly? I feel sick... I certainly won't rush anything towards big commitments soon, I need time to fully make sure this is what I want...

What would you do in my position?

Considering you never know in life and anything can happen. I'm not necessarily talking about financial stuff, even though it surely does play a big role. But should you separate your love and emotions for a person from a very much realistic scenario that anything can end, people change, fall out of love, cheat, pass away and whatnot... And if you must always be a bit detached, how will genuine bonding between two people ever form?

(LONG VENTING POST)

We met online late September, hit it off pretty quick. Super engaged and excited, texting, expressing interest and intention, eventually booked tickets to make a meeting happen within 3 months (it was what was financially possible for both of us at the time), kept trying to balance studies, work, taking care of elderly parents as the only source of income and caretaker, saving aside for his next steps etc. He viewed what we have very seriously (and still does I believe) and although he is financially struggling he never let it stop him from trying.

He came to my city, we met irl, had an amazing time together, we were intimate, and then about a month later I went to his city (we are from the same country but I live abroad atm for uni). We spent more time there, restaurants, motorbike rides, showing me where he grew up, his daily routine, places he goes to etc and felt the happiest that I was there. Had a lovely time.

About a month later his parents received a high amount of money in compensation for something. The very second that happened he started treating work like it's completely optional. Maybe it was a breath of fresh air allowing him to relax a bit while living his entire life on survival mode. On top of that, the army called him that he has to serve this summer. It's like he felt so thrown off by all the obstacles that will get in the way until we'll be able to move in together (we were talking about doing so down the line, eventually, once we're ready). As it stands right now, we're talking about at least 1.5 year or more of not seeing each other and staying apart. He fell into depression, didn't work, didn't study for his exams, didn't do anything. Slept for days and started his days at 4pm... He says he misses me tremendously and it has affected his day to day life across every domain. At times, due to the distance and some insecurities or misunderstandings surfacing over the phone we'd have some petty fights and not talk for 2-3 days, he says it poisons him and he needs days to recover after that... He came over to my city again now and we spent another week together.

I tried bringing it up sideways and politely that all of these shifts concern me, I tried asking if something was happening at home or with friends, if he starts questioning our relationship due to distance/circumstances, if there's anything else i should know and he said absolutely not he was stunned that i even asked such thing. He was like "do you feel a shift on my part towards you?" We'd have a bit of teasing and spicy talk to keep the momentum, but after it was done in person and we returned back home he minimised it and almost stopped initiating or asking for it. It made me wonder whether I did something wrong, whether he's no longer attracted to me or whether he satisfies his needs ... in other ways... He said that after we bonded so well together in real life going back to his daily schedule is so difficult because his mind isnt there and he cant enjoy anything... Including the intimacy part, he says even if we do what we used to do via distance he gets incredibly sad after cuz he's laying in an empty bed ... In real life when we're together he's perfectly normal as always, super energetic and caring and talkative and happy overall. I'm not trying to make it about me, I'm just trying to understand and see what can be done.

It gets better.... Last week we were together in my city and even though we had some good times most of it was shit... petty fights, misunderstandings, getting on each other's nerves over stupid stuff like car rentals, waiting for one another to get ready, him being all sexual in person right upon seeing me while not respecting I needed some time to recover emotionally from all this emotional distance between us.... We didn't have sex again all this week despite not having seen each other for 4 months... I wanted to pack my stuff and leave because I found myself crying in the bathroom every night cuz of all the emotional turmoil over nothing... I decided not to do it however and thought I'd give it a chance... He had already spent so much money into making this trip happen with money that he didnt have. The night we had the most intense fight we didn't sleep at all and were in bed talking in the dark about life stories and stuff in general... He started letting loose and telling me stories of things I had never heard before which made me genuinely lose my shit... I wont get into details but it was relevant to his past, including exes, criminal record, cheating and stuff that personally disturbed me and made me sick to my stomach.... He doesnt mind talking these things but hearing about them makes me deeply uncomfortable... In general I have it as a rule that I don't ever mention exes or past because I respect the person I am with now, but often times he'd do that and I just wanted to vomit... The thing is, it's not so much about what he did but more so what kind of person he is... It made my guard go up immediately. Sexually I now feel blocked and unable to do anything. I was moody most of the time after that conversation and I simply could not hide how bad it wrecked me and ruined my holiday... He says our relationship is salvation to him and he views it as sacred, a U-turn from his previous fucked up life choices.

It's not that I don't believe in salvation, but I don't know context neither what this person is made of. I'm now meeting the supposed "changed" version of someone who, from what I heard from his own mouth, was pretty shitty and horrible in the past. I don't know if that's something he has in him or whether circumstances, youth stupidity/naivety pushed him in that direction, but something in me has been locked. I don't know how to feel. In addition, spending more time together irl made us even more attached, and now I feel my judgement is blurred by emotions, sadness over distance, crying full of brain fog at the airport and so much confusion... He's been super transparent with me all along, he's the type to never hide his dissatisfaction with something be it attraction to me, uncomfortable truths, stuff that bothers him... he always voices whatever is on his mind very unfiltered and unapollogetically... I don't feel that he's the type to drag something long distance if he doesnt see a future due to the army, financial issues, his parents, time spent apart, finding someone else etc... I am deeply bothered that we proceeded sexually so quick while I never normally move like this. I'm very slow, want to get to know the person, see what I'm dealing with, see if we connect well and then naturally get into intimacy with time... Here, due to long distance it's like it was a "push" to be intimate due to limited time... I now find out about stuff that has really disturbed me (despite being things from the past) which would be an insane red flag to me. A lot of the times I felt violated in terms of boundaries, maybe because he is overly enthusiastic and acts on the spot without thinking, and seems to zone out and not listen at all... For sure neurodivergence has something to do with it, but it's made me uncomfortable... Even when i've tried explaining stuff that bothers me he doesn't seem to get it, jumps in mid-convo changing 18674 different topics, losing his train of thought, is very chaotic and mostly blaming my moodiness and that he thinks I've changed my mind or lost interest in him...

Idk how else to explain that Im annoyed that he doesnt listen and some stuff affects me much deeper than i let on... It has nothing to do with me losing attraction, was never about that... I asked him upon leaving whether he thinks we are compatible and whether we are on the same page and want to continue our relationship he said even if we don't always agree on everything, he doesn't view any of this as a dealbreaker because he doesn't sense malice from me... he said sure you can be moody and get overwhelmed at times when you dont feel safe but we can definitely work on it..

I honestly need some time to gather my thoughts and think clearly without emotions in the way... A lot of things bothered me on that trip, including that I'm a huge planner while he acts on the spot and doesn't think or plan anything ahead. Like sure I recognise he always finds solutions in the end and we've never gotten in trouble, but I don't feel secure with someone who's this laid back about everything... he takes about 2 hours to get ready, shower get dressed before we leave and I wait for him on the bed without saying anything... after I tell him to pick up the car from the parking lot and I'll be downstairs in 10 minutes he will call me twice to tell me to hurry up that he gets all fidgety and cant stand the sun... he is chaotic and gets impatient easily.. the thing about his past also deeply disturbed me and I don't know if i can truly get past it. I find he's rational and self-serving. Not necessarily in a bad way, we all are in some way shape or form be it emotionally or materially... but it's just how I perceive it. Like sure he has done so many things for me and our relationship, he goes the extra mile despite not having the luxury to do so, but he's not doing these because he's a cutie loving me unconditionally, he sees benefit in such relationship. I can't help but feel like he'd drop me like a washcloth on the floor the second he loses interest despite saying he wants me by his side to build a future long-term, get married, have children etc... or it could be that what I heard about his past that poisoned me... We sure all have a past and we shouldn't be crucified for it but honestly? I feel sick... I certainly won't rush anything towards big commitments soon, I need time to fully make sure this is what I want...

What would you suggest?

(LONG VENTING POST)

We met online late September, hit it off pretty quick. Super engaged and excited, texting, expressing interest and intention, eventually booked tickets to make a meeting happen within 3 months (it was what was financially possible for both of us at the time), kept trying to balance studies, work, taking care of elderly parents as the only source of income and caretaker, saving aside for his next steps etc. He viewed what we have very seriously (and still does I believe) and although he is financially struggling he never let it stop him from trying.

He came to my city, we met irl, had an amazing time together, we were intimate, and then about a month later I went to his city (we are from the same country but I live abroad atm for uni). We spent more time there, restaurants, motorbike rides, showing me where he grew up, his daily routine, places he goes to etc and felt the happiest that I was there. Had a lovely time.

About a month later his parents received a high amount of money in compensation for something. The very second that happened he started treating work like it's completely optional. Maybe it was a breath of fresh air allowing him to relax a bit while living his entire life on survival mode. On top of that, the army called him that he has to serve this summer. It's like he felt so thrown off by all the obstacles that will get in the way until we'll be able to move in together (we were talking about doing so down the line, eventually, once we're ready). As it stands right now, we're talking about at least 1.5 year or more of not seeing each other and staying apart. He fell into depression, didn't work, didn't study for his exams, didn't do anything. Slept for days and started his days at 4pm... He says he misses me tremendously and it has affected his day to day life across every domain. At times, due to the distance and some insecurities or misunderstandings surfacing over the phone we'd have some petty fights and not talk for 2-3 days, he says it poisons him and he needs days to recover after that... He came over to my city again now and we spent another week together.

I tried bringing it up sideways and politely that all of these shifts concern me, I tried asking if something was happening at home or with friends, if he starts questioning our relationship due to distance/circumstances, if there's anything else i should know and he said absolutely not he was stunned that i even asked such thing. He was like "do you feel a shift on my part towards you?" We'd have a bit of teasing and spicy talk to keep the momentum, but after it was done in person and we returned back home he minimised it and almost stopped initiating or asking for it. It made me wonder whether I did something wrong, whether he's no longer attracted to me or whether he satisfies his needs ... in other ways... He said that after we bonded so well together in real life going back to his daily schedule is so difficult because his mind isnt there and he cant enjoy anything... Including the intimacy part, he says even if we do what we used to do via distance he gets incredibly sad after cuz he's laying in an empty bed ... In real life when we're together he's perfectly normal as always, super energetic and caring and talkative and happy overall. I'm not trying to make it about me, I'm just trying to understand and see what can be done.

It gets better.... Last week we were together in my city and even though we had some good times most of it was shit... petty fights, misunderstandings, getting on each other's nerves over stupid stuff like car rentals, waiting for one another to get ready, him being all sexual in person right upon seeing me while not respecting I needed some time to recover emotionally from all this emotional distance between us.... We didn't have sex again all this week despite not having seen each other for 4 months... I wanted to pack my stuff and leave because I found myself crying in the bathroom every night cuz of all the emotional turmoil over nothing... I decided not to do it however and thought I'd give it a chance... He had already spent so much money into making this trip happen with money that he didnt have. The night we had the most intense fight we didn't sleep at all and were in bed talking in the dark about life stories and stuff in general... He started letting loose and telling me stories of things I had never heard before which made me genuinely lose my shit... I wont get into details but it was relevant to his past, including exes, criminal record, cheating and stuff that personally disturbed me and made me sick to my stomach.... He doesnt mind talking these things but hearing about them makes me deeply uncomfortable... In general I have it as a rule that I don't ever mention exes or past because I respect the person I am with now, but often times he'd do that and I just wanted to vomit... The thing is, it's not so much about what he did but more so what kind of person he is... It made my guard go up immediately. Sexually I now feel blocked and unable to do anything. I was moody most of the time after that conversation and I simply could not hide how bad it wrecked me and ruined my holiday... He says our relationship is salvation to him and he views it as sacred, a U-turn from his previous fucked up life choices.

It's not that I don't believe in salvation, but I don't know context neither what this person is made of. I'm now meeting the supposed "changed" version of someone who, from what I heard from his own mouth, was pretty shitty and horrible in the past. I don't know if that's something he has in him or whether circumstances, youth stupidity/naivety pushed him in that direction, but something in me has been locked. I don't know how to feel. In addition, spending more time together irl made us even more attached, and now I feel my judgement is blurred by emotions, sadness over distance, crying full of brain fog at the airport and so much confusion... He's been super transparent with me all along, he's the type to never hide his dissatisfaction with something be it attraction to me, uncomfortable truths, stuff that bothers him... he always voices whatever is on his mind very unfiltered and unapollogetically... I don't feel that he's the type to drag something long distance if he doesnt see a future due to the army, financial issues, his parents, time spent apart, finding someone else etc... I am deeply bothered that we proceeded sexually so quick while I never normally move like this. I'm very slow, want to get to know the person, see what I'm dealing with, see if we connect well and then naturally get into intimacy with time... Here, due to long distance it's like it was a "push" to be intimate due to limited time... I now find out about stuff that has really disturbed me (despite being things from the past) which would be an insane red flag to me. A lot of the times I felt violated in terms of boundaries, maybe because he is overly enthusiastic and acts on the spot without thinking, and seems to zone out and not listen at all... For sure neurodivergence has something to do with it, but it's made me uncomfortable... Even when i've tried explaining stuff that bothers me he doesn't seem to get it, jumps in mid-convo changing 18674 different topics, losing his train of thought, is very chaotic and mostly blaming my moodiness and that he thinks I've changed my mind or lost interest in him...

Idk how else to explain that Im annoyed that he doesnt listen and some stuff affects me much deeper than i let on... It has nothing to do with me losing attraction, was never about that... I asked him upon leaving whether he thinks we are compatible and whether we are on the same page and want to continue our relationship he said even if we don't always agree on everything, he doesn't view any of this as a dealbreaker because he doesn't sense malice from me... he said sure you can be moody and get overwhelmed at times when you dont feel safe but we can definitely work on it..

I honestly need some time to gather my thoughts and think clearly without emotions in the way... A lot of things bothered me on that trip, including that I'm a huge planner while he acts on the spot and doesn't think or plan anything ahead. Like sure I recognise he always finds solutions in the end and we've never gotten in trouble, but I don't feel secure with someone who's this laid back about everything... he takes about 2 hours to get ready, shower get dressed before we leave and I wait for him on the bed without saying anything... after I tell him to pick up the car from the parking lot and I'll be downstairs in 10 minutes he will call me twice to tell me to hurry up that he gets all fidgety and cant stand the sun... he is chaotic and gets impatient easily.. the thing about his past also deeply disturbed me and I don't know if i can truly get past it. I find he's rational and self-serving. Not necessarily in a bad way, we all are in some way shape or form be it emotionally or materially... but it's just how I perceive it. Like sure he has done so many things for me and our relationship, he goes the extra mile despite not having the luxury to do so, but he's not doing these because he's a cutie loving me unconditionally, he sees benefit in such relationship. I can't help but feel like he'd drop me like a washcloth on the floor the second he loses interest despite saying he wants me by his side to build a future long-term, get married, have children etc... or it could be that what I heard about his past that poisoned me... We sure all have a past and we shouldn't be crucified for it but honestly? I feel sick... I certainly won't rush anything towards big commitments soon, I need time to fully make sure this is what I want...

What would you suggest?

(LONG VENTING POST)

We met online late September, hit it off pretty quick. Super engaged and excited, texting, expressing interest and intention, eventually booked tickets to make a meeting happen within 3 months (it was what was financially possible for both of us at the time), kept trying to balance studies, work, taking care of elderly parents as the only source of income and caretaker, saving aside for his next steps etc. He viewed what we have very seriously (and still does I believe) and although he is financially struggling he never let it stop him from trying.

He came to my city, we met irl, had an amazing time together, we were intimate, and then about a month later I went to his city (we are from the same country but I live abroad atm for uni). We spent more time there, restaurants, motorbike rides, showing me where he grew up, his daily routine, places he goes to etc and felt the happiest that I was there. Had a lovely time.

About a month later his parents received a high amount of money in compensation for something. The very second that happened he started treating work like it's completely optional. Maybe it was a breath of fresh air allowing him to relax a bit while living his entire life on survival mode. On top of that, the army called him that he has to serve this summer. It's like he felt so thrown off by all the obstacles that will get in the way until we'll be able to move in together (we were talking about doing so down the line, eventually, once we're ready). As it stands right now, we're talking about at least 1.5 year or more of not seeing each other and staying apart. He fell into depression, didn't work, didn't study for his exams, didn't do anything. Slept for days and started his days at 4pm... He says he misses me tremendously and it has affected his day to day life across every domain. At times, due to the distance and some insecurities or misunderstandings surfacing over the phone we'd have some petty fights and not talk for 2-3 days, he says it poisons him and he needs days to recover after that... He came over to my city again now and we spent another week together.

I tried bringing it up sideways and politely that all of these shifts concern me, I tried asking if something was happening at home or with friends, if he starts questioning our relationship due to distance/circumstances, if there's anything else i should know and he said absolutely not he was stunned that i even asked such thing. He was like "do you feel a shift on my part towards you?" We'd have a bit of teasing and spicy talk to keep the momentum, but after it was done in person and we returned back home he minimised it and almost stopped initiating or asking for it. It made me wonder whether I did something wrong, whether he's no longer attracted to me or whether he satisfies his needs ... in other ways... He said that after we bonded so well together in real life going back to his daily schedule is so difficult because his mind isnt there and he cant enjoy anything... Including the intimacy part, he says even if we do what we used to do via distance he gets incredibly sad after cuz he's laying in an empty bed ... In real life when we're together he's perfectly normal as always, super energetic and caring and talkative and happy overall. I'm not trying to make it about me, I'm just trying to understand and see what can be done.

It gets better.... Last week we were together in my city and even though we had some good times most of it was shit... petty fights, misunderstandings, getting on each other's nerves over stupid stuff like car rentals, waiting for one another to get ready, him being all sexual in person right upon seeing me while not respecting I needed some time to recover emotionally from all this emotional distance between us.... We didn't have sex again all this week despite not having seen each other for 4 months... I wanted to pack my stuff and leave because I found myself crying in the bathroom every night cuz of all the emotional turmoil over nothing... I decided not to do it however and thought I'd give it a chance... He had already spent so much money into making this trip happen with money that he didnt have. The night we had the most intense fight we didn't sleep at all and were in bed talking in the dark about life stories and stuff in general... He started letting loose and telling me stories of things I had never heard before which made me genuinely lose my shit... I wont get into details but it was relevant to his past, including exes, criminal record, cheating and stuff that personally disturbed me and made me sick to my stomach.... He doesnt mind talking these things but hearing about them makes me deeply uncomfortable... In general I have it as a rule that I don't ever mention exes or past because I respect the person I am with now, but often times he'd do that and I just wanted to vomit... The thing is, it's not so much about what he did but more so what kind of person he is... It made my guard go up immediately. Sexually I now feel blocked and unable to do anything. I was moody most of the time after that conversation and I simply could not hide how bad it wrecked me and ruined my holiday... He says our relationship is salvation to him and he views it as sacred, a U-turn from his previous fucked up life choices.

It's not that I don't believe in salvation, but I don't know context neither what this person is made of. I'm now meeting the supposed "changed" version of someone who, from what I heard from his own mouth, was pretty shitty and horrible in the past. I don't know if that's something he has in him or whether circumstances, youth stupidity/naivety pushed him in that direction, but something in me has been locked. I don't know how to feel. In addition, spending more time together irl made us even more attached, and now I feel my judgement is blurred by emotions, sadness over distance, crying full of brain fog at the airport and so much confusion... He's been super transparent with me all along, he's the type to never hide his dissatisfaction with something be it attraction to me, uncomfortable truths, stuff that bothers him... he always voices whatever is on his mind very unfiltered and unapollogetically... I don't feel that he's the type to drag something long distance if he doesnt see a future due to the army, financial issues, his parents, time spent apart, finding someone else etc... I am deeply bothered that we proceeded sexually so quick while I never normally move like this. I'm very slow, want to get to know the person, see what I'm dealing with, see if we connect well and then naturally get into intimacy with time... Here, due to long distance it's like it was a "push" to be intimate due to limited time... I now find out about stuff that has really disturbed me (despite being things from the past) which would be an insane red flag to me. A lot of the times I felt violated in terms of boundaries, maybe because he is overly enthusiastic and acts on the spot without thinking, and seems to zone out and not listen at all... For sure neurodivergence has something to do with it, but it's made me uncomfortable... Even when i've tried explaining stuff that bothers me he doesn't seem to get it, jumps in mid-convo changing 18674 different topics, losing his train of thought, is very chaotic and mostly blaming my moodiness and that he thinks I've changed my mind or lost interest in him...

Idk how else to explain that Im annoyed that he doesnt listen and some stuff affects me much deeper than i let on... It has nothing to do with me losing attraction, was never about that... I asked him upon leaving whether he thinks we are compatible and whether we are on the same page and want to continue our relationship he said even if we don't always agree on everything, he doesn't view any of this as a dealbreaker because he doesn't sense malice from me... he said sure you can be moody and get overwhelmed at times when you dont feel safe but we can definitely work on it..

I honestly need some time to gather my thoughts and think clearly without emotions in the way... A lot of things bothered me on that trip, including that I'm a huge planner while he acts on the spot and doesn't think or plan anything ahead. Like sure I recognise he always finds solutions in the end and we've never gotten in trouble, but I don't feel secure with someone who's this laid back about everything... he takes about 2 hours to get ready, shower get dressed before we leave and I wait for him on the bed without saying anything... after I tell him to pick up the car from the parking lot and I'll be downstairs in 10 minutes he will call me twice to tell me to hurry up that he gets all fidgety and cant stand the sun... he is chaotic and gets impatient easily.. the thing about his past also deeply disturbed me and I don't know if i can truly get past it. I find he's rational and self-serving. Not necessarily in a bad way, we all are in some way shape or form be it emotionally or materially... but it's just how I perceive it. Like sure he has done so many things for me and our relationship, he goes the extra mile despite not having the luxury to do so, but he's not doing these because he's a cutie loving me unconditionally, he sees benefit in such relationship. I can't help but feel like he'd drop me like a washcloth on the floor the second he loses interest despite saying he wants me by his side to build a future long-term, get married, have children etc... or it could be that what I heard about his past that poisoned me... We sure all have a past and we shouldn't be crucified for it but honestly? I feel sick... I certainly won't rush anything towards big commitments soon, I need time to fully make sure this is what I want...

(LONG VENTING POST)

We met online late September, hit it off pretty quick. Super engaged and excited, texting, expressing interest and intention, eventually booked tickets to make a meeting happen within 3 months (it was what was financially possible for both of us at the time), kept trying to balance studies, work, taking care of elderly parents as the only source of income and caretaker, saving aside for his next steps etc. He viewed what we have very seriously (and still does I believe) and although he is financially struggling he never let it stop him from trying.

He came to my city, we met irl, had an amazing time together, we were intimate, and then about a month later I went to his city (we are from the same country but I live abroad atm for uni). We spent more time there, restaurants, motorbike rides, showing me where he grew up, his daily routine, places he goes to etc and felt the happiest that I was there. Had a lovely time.

About a month later his parents received a high amount of money in compensation for something. The very second that happened he started treating work like it's completely optional. Maybe it was a breath of fresh air allowing him to relax a bit while living his entire life on survival mode. On top of that, the army called him that he has to serve this summer. It's like he felt so thrown off by all the obstacles that will get in the way until we'll be able to move in together (we were talking about doing so down the line, eventually, once we're ready). As it stands right now, we're talking about at least 1.5 year or more of not seeing each other and staying apart. He fell into depression, didn't work, didn't study for his exams, didn't do anything. Slept for days and started his days at 4pm... He says he misses me tremendously and it has affected his day to day life across every domain. At times, due to the distance and some insecurities or misunderstandings surfacing over the phone we'd have some petty fights and not talk for 2-3 days, he says it poisons him and he needs days to recover after that... He came over to my city again now and we spent another week together.

I tried bringing it up sideways and politely that all of these shifts concern me, I tried asking if something was happening at home or with friends, if he starts questioning our relationship due to distance/circumstances, if there's anything else i should know and he said absolutely not he was stunned that i even asked such thing. He was like "do you feel a shift on my part towards you?" We'd have a bit of teasing and spicy talk to keep the momentum, but after it was done in person and we returned back home he minimised it and almost stopped initiating or asking for it. It made me wonder whether I did something wrong, whether he's no longer attracted to me or whether he satisfies his needs ... in other ways... He said that after we bonded so well together in real life going back to his daily schedule is so difficult because his mind isnt there and he cant enjoy anything... Including the intimacy part, he says even if we do what we used to do via distance he gets incredibly sad after cuz he's laying in an empty bed ... In real life when we're together he's perfectly normal as always, super energetic and caring and talkative and happy overall. I'm not trying to make it about me, I'm just trying to understand and see what can be done.

It gets better.... Last week we were together in my city and even though we had some good times most of it was shit... petty fights, misunderstandings, getting on each other's nerves over stupid stuff like car rentals, waiting for one another to get ready, him being all sexual in person right upon seeing me while not respecting I needed some time to recover emotionally from all this emotional distance between us.... We didn't have sex again all this week despite not having seen each other for 4 months... I wanted to pack my stuff and leave because I found myself crying in the bathroom every night cuz of all the emotional turmoil over nothing... I decided not to do it however and thought I'd give it a chance... He had already spent so much money into making this trip happen with money that he didnt have. The night we had the most intense fight we didn't sleep at all and were in bed talking in the dark about life stories and stuff in general... He started letting loose and telling me stories of things I had never heard before which made me genuinely lose my shit... I wont get into details but it was relevant to his past, including exes, criminal record, cheating and stuff that personally disturbed me and made me sick to my stomach.... He doesnt mind talking these things but hearing about them makes me deeply uncomfortable... In general I have it as a rule that I don't ever mention exes or past because I respect the person I am with now, but often times he'd do that and I just wanted to vomit... The thing is, it's not so much about what he did but more so what kind of person he is... It made my guard go up immediately. Sexually I now feel blocked and unable to do anything. I was moody most of the time after that conversation and I simply could not hide how bad it wrecked me and ruined my holiday... He says our relationship is salvation to him and he views it as sacred, a U-turn from his previous fucked up life choices.

It's not that I don't believe in salvation, but I don't know context neither what this person is made of. I'm now meeting the supposed "changed" version of someone who, from what I heard from his own mouth, was pretty shitty and horrible in the past. I don't know if that's something he has in him or whether circumstances, youth stupidity/naivety pushed him in that direction, but something in me has been locked. I don't know how to feel. In addition, spending more time together irl made us even more attached, and now I feel my judgement is blurred by emotions, sadness over distance, crying full of brain fog at the airport and so much confusion... He's been super transparent with me all along, he's the type to never hide his dissatisfaction with something be it attraction to me, uncomfortable truths, stuff that bothers him... he always voices whatever is on his mind very unfiltered and unapollogetically... I don't feel that he's the type to drag something long distance if he doesnt see a future due to the army, financial issues, his parents, time spent apart, finding someone else etc... I am deeply bothered that we proceeded sexually so quick while I never normally move like this. I'm very slow, want to get to know the person, see what I'm dealing with, see if we connect well and then naturally get into intimacy with time... Here, due to long distance it's like it was a "push" to be intimate due to limited time... I now find out about stuff that has really disturbed me (despite being things from the past) which would be an insane red flag to me. A lot of the times I felt violated in terms of boundaries, maybe because he is overly enthusiastic and acts on the spot without thinking, and seems to zone out and not listen at all... For sure neurodivergence has something to do with it, but it's made me uncomfortable... Even when i've tried explaining stuff that bothers me he doesn't seem to get it, jumps in mid-convo changing 18674 different topics, losing his train of thought, is very chaotic and mostly blaming my moodiness and that he thinks I've changed my mind or lost interest in him...

Idk how else to explain that Im annoyed that he doesnt listen and some stuff affects me much deeper than i let on... It has nothing to do with me losing attraction, was never about that... I asked him upon leaving whether he thinks we are compatible and whether we are on the same page and want to continue our relationship he said even if we don't always agree on everything, he doesn't view any of this as a dealbreaker because he doesn't sense malice from me... he said sure you can be moody and get overwhelmed at times when you dont feel safe but we can definitely work on it..

I honestly need some time to gather my thoughts and think clearly without emotions in the way... A lot of things bothered me on that trip, including that I'm a huge planner while he acts on the spot and doesn't think or plan anything ahead. Like sure I recognise he always finds solutions in the end and we've never gotten in trouble, but I don't feel secure with someone who's this laid back about everything... he takes about 2 hours to get ready, shower get dressed before we leave and I wait for him on the bed without saying anything... after I tell him to pick up the car from the parking lot and I'll be downstairs in 10 minutes he will call me twice to tell me to hurry up that he gets all fidgety and cant stand the sun... he is chaotic and gets impatient easily.. the thing about his past also deeply disturbed me and I don't know if i can truly get past it. I find he's rational and self-serving. Not necessarily in a bad way, we all are in some way shape or form be it emotionally or materially... but it's just how I perceive it. Like sure he has done so many things for me and our relationship, he goes the extra mile despite not having the luxury to do so, but he's not doing these because he's a cutie loving me unconditionally, he sees benefit in such relationship. I can't help but feel like he'd drop me like a washcloth on the floor the second he loses interest despite saying he wants me by his side to build a future long-term, get married, have children etc... or it could be that what I heard about his past that poisoned me... We sure all have a past and we shouldn't be crucified for it but honestly? I feel sick... I certainly won't rush anything towards big commitments soon, I need time to fully make sure this is what I want...

What would you suggest?

(LONG VENTING POST)

We met online late September, hit it off pretty quick. Super engaged and excited, texting, expressing interest and intention, eventually booked tickets to make a meeting happen within 3 months (it was what was financially possible for both of us at the time), kept trying to balance studies, work, taking care of elderly parents as the only source of income and caretaker, saving aside for his next steps etc. He viewed what we have very seriously (and still does I believe) and although he is financially struggling he never let it stop him from trying.

He came to my city, we met irl, had an amazing time together, we were intimate, and then about a month later I went to his city (we are from the same country but I live abroad atm for uni). We spent more time there, restaurants, motorbike rides, showing me where he grew up, his daily routine, places he goes to etc and felt the happiest that I was there. Had a lovely time.

About a month later his parents received a high amount of money in compensation for something. The very second that happened he started treating work like it's completely optional. Maybe it was a breath of fresh air allowing him to relax a bit while living his entire life on survival mode. On top of that, the army called him that he has to serve this summer. It's like he felt so thrown off by all the obstacles that will get in the way until we'll be able to move in together (we were talking about doing so down the line, eventually, once we're ready). As it stands right now, we're talking about at least 1.5 year or more of not seeing each other and staying apart. He fell into depression, didn't work, didn't study for his exams, didn't do anything. Slept for days and started his days at 4pm... He says he misses me tremendously and it has affected his day to day life across every domain. At times, due to the distance and some insecurities or misunderstandings surfacing over the phone we'd have some petty fights and not talk for 2-3 days, he says it poisons him and he needs days to recover after that... He came over to my city again now and we spent another week together.

I tried bringing it up sideways and politely that all of these shifts concern me, I tried asking if something was happening at home or with friends, if he starts questioning our relationship due to distance/circumstances, if there's anything else i should know and he said absolutely not he was stunned that i even asked such thing. He was like "do you feel a shift on my part towards you?" We'd have a bit of teasing and spicy talk to keep the momentum, but after it was done in person and we returned back home he minimised it and almost stopped initiating or asking for it. It made me wonder whether I did something wrong, whether he's no longer attracted to me or whether he satisfies his needs ... in other ways... He said that after we bonded so well together in real life going back to his daily schedule is so difficult because his mind isnt there and he cant enjoy anything... Including the intimacy part, he says even if we do what we used to do via distance he gets incredibly sad after cuz he's laying in an empty bed ... In real life when we're together he's perfectly normal as always, super energetic and caring and talkative and happy overall. I'm not trying to make it about me, I'm just trying to understand and see what can be done.

It gets better.... Last week we were together in my city and even though we had some good times most of it was shit... petty fights, misunderstandings, getting on each other's nerves over stupid stuff like car rentals, waiting for one another to get ready, him being all sexual in person right upon seeing me while not respecting I needed some time to recover emotionally from all this emotional distance between us.... We didn't have sex again all this week despite not having seen each other for 4 months... I wanted to pack my stuff and leave because I found myself crying in the bathroom every night cuz of all the emotional turmoil over nothing... I decided not to do it however and thought I'd give it a chance... He had already spent so much money into making this trip happen with money that he didnt have. The night we had the most intense fight we didn't sleep at all and were in bed talking in the dark about life stories and stuff in general... He started letting loose and telling me stories of things I had never heard before which made me genuinely lose my shit... I wont get into details but it was relevant to his past, including exes, criminal record, cheating and stuff that personally disturbed me and made me sick to my stomach.... He doesnt mind talking these things but hearing about them makes me deeply uncomfortable... In general I have it as a rule that I don't ever mention exes or past because I respect the person I am with now, but often times he'd do that and I just wanted to vomit... The thing is, it's not so much about what he did but more so what kind of person he is... It made my guard go up immediately. Sexually I now feel blocked and unable to do anything. I was moody most of the time after that conversation and I simply could not hide how bad it wrecked me and ruined my holiday... He says our relationship is salvation to him and he views it as sacred, a U-turn from his previous fucked up life choices.

It's not that I don't believe in salvation, but I don't know context neither what this person is made of. I'm now meeting the supposed "changed" version of someone who, from what I heard from his own mouth, was pretty shitty and horrible in the past. I don't know if that's something he has in him or whether circumstances, youth stupidity/naivety pushed him in that direction, but something in me has been locked. I don't know how to feel. In addition, spending more time together irl made us even more attached, and now I feel my judgement is blurred by emotions, sadness over distance, crying full of brain fog at the airport and so much confusion... He's been super transparent with me all along, he's the type to never hide his dissatisfaction with something be it attraction to me, uncomfortable truths, stuff that bothers him... he always voices whatever is on his mind very unfiltered and unapollogetically... I don't feel that he's the type to drag something long distance if he doesnt see a future due to the army, financial issues, his parents, time spent apart, finding someone else etc... I am deeply bothered that we proceeded sexually so quick while I never normally move like this. I'm very slow, want to get to know the person, see what I'm dealing with, see if we connect well and then naturally get into intimacy with time... Here, due to long distance it's like it was a "push" to be intimate due to limited time... I now find out about stuff that has really disturbed me (despite being things from the past) which would be an insane red flag to me. A lot of the times I felt violated in terms of boundaries, maybe because he is overly enthusiastic and acts on the spot without thinking, and seems to zone out and not listen at all... For sure neurodivergence has something to do with it, but it's made me uncomfortable... Even when i've tried explaining stuff that bothers me he doesn't seem to get it, jumps in mid-convo changing 18674 different topics, losing his train of thought, is very chaotic and mostly blaming my moodiness and that he thinks I've changed my mind or lost interest in him...

Idk how else to explain that Im annoyed that he doesnt listen and some stuff affects me much deeper than i let on... It has nothing to do with me losing attraction, was never about that... I asked him upon leaving whether he thinks we are compatible and whether we are on the same page and want to continue our relationship he said even if we don't always agree on everything, he doesn't view any of this as a dealbreaker because he doesn't sense malice from me... he said sure you can be moody and get overwhelmed at times when you dont feel safe but we can definitely work on it..

I honestly need some time to gather my thoughts and think clearly without emotions in the way... A lot of things bothered me on that trip, including that I'm a huge planner while he acts on the spot and doesn't think or plan anything ahead. Like sure I recognise he always finds solutions in the end and we've never gotten in trouble, but I don't feel secure with someone who's this laid back about everything... he takes about 2 hours to get ready, shower get dressed before we leave and I wait for him on the bed without saying anything... after I tell him to pick up the car from the parking lot and I'll be downstairs in 10 minutes he will call me twice to tell me to hurry up that he gets all fidgety and cant stand the sun... he is chaotic and gets impatient easily.. the thing about his past also deeply disturbed me and I don't know if i can truly get past it. I find he's rational and self-serving. Not necessarily in a bad way, we all are in some way shape or form be it emotionally or materially... but it's just how I perceive it. Like sure he has done so many things for me and our relationship, he goes the extra mile despite not having the luxury to do so, but he's not doing these because he's a cutie loving me unconditionally, he sees benefit in such relationship. I can't help but feel like he'd drop me like a washcloth on the floor the second he loses interest despite saying he wants me by his side to build a future long-term, get married, have children etc... or it could be that what I heard about his past that poisoned me... We sure all have a past and we shouldn't be crucified for it but honestly? I feel sick... I certainly won't rush anything towards big commitments soon, I need time to fully make sure this is what I want...

What would you suggest?

Not just in regards to our relationship, but also in most areas of his life in general, and this is something that worries me.

We met online in September, he is neurodivergent and was super motivated to make things work between us at first. Super engaged and excited, texting, expressing interest and intention, eventually booked tickets to make a meeting happen within 3 months (it was what was financially possible for both of us at the time), kept trying to balance studies, work, taking care of elderly parents, saving aside for his next step etc. He viewed what we have very seriously (and still does I believe) and although he is financially struggling he never let it stop him from trying.

He came to my city, we met, had an amazing time together, we were intimate, and then about a month later I went to his city (we are from the same country but I live abroad atm for uni). We spent more time there, restaurants, motorbike rides, showing me where he grew up, his daily routine, places he goes to etc and felt the happiest that I was there. Had a lovely time.

About a month later his parents received a high amount of money in compensation for something. The very second that happened he started treating work like it's completely optional. On top of that, the army called him that he has to serve this summer. It's like he felt so thrown off by all the obstacles that will get in the way until we'll be able to move in together. He fell into depression, didn't work, didn't study for his exams, didn't do anything. Slept for days and started his days at 4pm... He says he misses me tremendously and it has affected his day to day life. At times, due to the distance and some insecurities or misunderstandings over the phone we'd have some petty fights and not talk for 2-3 days, he says it poisons him and he needs days to recover after that... He is coming over again soon in a couple of days...he booked it in advance and secured tickets cuz its gonna be a busy season, but I seriously don't know how to feel...

I tried bringing it up sideways and politely that all of these shifts concern me, I tried asking if something was happening at home or with friends, if he starts questioning our relationship due to distance, if there's anything else i should know and he said absolutely not he was stunned that i even asked such thing. He was like "do you feel a shift on my part towards you?" We'd have a bit of teasing and spicy talk to keep the momentum, but after it was done in person and we returned back home he minimised it and almost stopped initiating or asking for it. It made me wonder whether I did something wrong, whether he's no longer attracted to me or whether he satisfies his needs ... in other ways... He said that after we bonded so well together in real life going back to his daily schedule is so difficult because his mind isnt there and he cant enjoy anything... Including the intimacy part, he says even if we do what we used to do via distance he gets incredibly sad after cuz he's laying in an empty bed ... In real life when we're together he's perfectly normal as always, super energetic and caring and talkative and happy overall. I'm not trying to make it about me, I'm just trying to understand and see what can be done.

It just makes me question... Do neurodivergent people only function based off what is new and excites them in the moment? Like a new goal that must be achieved, a new challenge and then nothing? Have I become familiar to him to the point I'm not intriguing anymore for his ADHD brain? He says he is the happiest with me, we are planning to move in together and get married eventually, but based off what im seeing in his behavior in various areas of his life, what if securing that in his head is the end of him having to try? I don't mean to sound offensive, but all of these things together make me question...

Not just in regards to our relationship, but also in most areas of his life in general, and this is something that worries me.

We met online in September, he is neurodivergent and was super motivated to make things work between us at first. Super engaged and excited, texting, expressing interest and intention, eventually booked tickets to make a meeting happen within 3 months (it was what was financially possible for both of us at the time), kept trying to balance studies, work, taking care of elderly parents, saving aside for his next step etc. He viewed what we have very seriously (and still does I believe) and although he is financially struggling he never let it stop him from trying.

He came to my city, we met, had an amazing time together, we were intimate, and then about a month later I went to his city (we are from the same country but I live abroad atm for uni). We spent more time there, restaurants, motorbike rides, showing me where he grew up, his daily routine, places he goes to etc and felt the happiest that I was there. Had a lovely time.

About a month later his parents received a high amount of money in compensation for something. The very second that happened he started treating work like it's completely optional. On top of that, the army called him that he has to serve this summer. It's like he felt so thrown off by all the obstacles that will get in the way until we'll be able to move in together. He fell into depression, didn't work, didn't study for his exams, didn't do anything. Slept for days and started his days at 4pm... He says he misses me tremendously and it has affected his day to day life. At times, due to the distance and some insecurities or misunderstandings over the phone we'd have some petty fights and not talk for 2-3 days, he says it poisons him and he needs days to recover after that... He is coming over again soon in a couple of days...he booked it in advance and secured tickets cuz its gonna be a busy season, but I seriously don't know how to feel...

I tried bringing it up sideways and politely that all of these shifts concern me, I tried asking if something was happening at home or with friends, if he starts questioning our relationship due to distance, if there's anything else i should know and he said absolutely not he was stunned that i even asked such thing. He was like "do you feel a shift on my part towards you?" We'd have a bit of teasing and spicy talk to keep the momentum, but after it was done in person and we returned back home he minimised it and almost stopped initiating or asking for it. It made me wonder whether I did something wrong, whether he's no longer attracted to me or whether he satisfies his needs ... in other ways... He said that after we bonded so well together in real life going back to his daily schedule is so difficult because his mind isnt there and he cant enjoy anything... Including the intimacy part, he says even if we do what we used to do via distance he gets incredibly sad after cuz he's laying in an empty bed ... In real life when we're together he's perfectly normal as always, super energetic and caring and talkative and happy overall. I'm not trying to make it about me, I'm just trying to understand and see what can be done.

It just makes me question... Do neurodivergent people only function based off what is new and excites them in the moment? Like a new goal that must be achieved, a new challenge and then nothing? Have I become too familiar to him to the point I'm no longer intriguing anymore for his ADHD brain? He says he is the happiest with me, we are planning to move in together and get married eventually, but based off what im seeing in his behavior in various areas of his life, what if securing that in his head is the end of him having to try? I don't mean to sound offensive, but all of these things together make me question...