u/xaroanon

A bit about me: I only really pay attention to the thing semantically significant to me, I don't ever really join "Fandoms" Or emotionally connect to things, I see everything as an experiment, something to learn from or something to overcome, I mostly take interest in abstract media or things involving numbers or concepts such as country building games, ideological philosophy, bowling and game shows. It seems like I have a very exponential learning curve where I will take a while to learn the basic concepts and suddenly get very good at it, for example despite hating math and not on the surface level understanding it I have never gotten less than a B- grade. I have never been able to understand regular human emotions or conventions and can appear unsettling, robotic, awkward or incomprehensible to people in conversations and I have never been interested in romance, my mind is constantly full of thoughts, even random gibberish repeating constantly in my subconscious internal monolog, I will often get random slightly related thoughts that connect to other thoughts and often go down google search/wiki rabbitholes or form completely new theories from out of the blue. I love having people around me but I often clash with people, I love all things to do with light and optimism, however not the emotional sort of optimism, moreso tech-optimism, progress optimism and functionalist optimism. I often find myself writing very similar but different paragraphs because I am so extremally focused on the things that are semantically significant and cannot seem to do it any other way, I only write within my own mind, for myself. I only pay attention to the human and abstract structural elements of buildings and despise trees and plants, when I look at a complex system to my surface level mind it looks like nonsense, but when my abstract mind reviews the memory of it, it seems ordered in a way I cannot quite describe.

I've suspected it of doing this for a while, but now I finally caught it

I've been "off" My entire life, never properly learned human emotions or behavior so mine became "mutated", I have never been good at making friends and never really understood people and their behaviors, I am mostly motivated by the prospect of power, creating functional systems and novelty, getting things done to change things and disassembling the past to use its raw materials to create the future.

My entire life has been very "Liminal" In a sense and I have always been more attached to abstract forms, spatial geometry, concepts, architecture, systems and symbology than people, emotions, time or conventions and have always had the philosophy of "Everyone is selfish, even if they don't want to admit it".

I'm not inherently cruel or evil but am often seen that way, my interactions with people are often awkward because I seem to not be able to personally attach myself to things like shows, movies or video games, not becoming part of the "Fandom" And I often leave on a sour note to people because I like to speak only of things blunt and functional rather than lighthearted small-talk and often offend them, causing them to leave.

My only friends have been online, and there have only been 3 of them, all of them had something wrong as well, all three had me as an only friend or one of their only friends, some had either abusive/neglectful parents or an inability to feel regular human emotions, all three of them are gone now, two disappeared after fights with parents and one after I talked to his enemy.

I have adapted an aesthetic and worldview that is also very odd to people, prioritizing functionalism, systems and power, closest to Precisionism, I have a disgust of plants and green things and associate them with death, disease and the darkness and pain of the past and absolutely cannot stand them, I see the world as systems of chaos reorganizing into order and order decaying into chaos

My main goal in everything is to have power and autonomy, build my own systems free from bureaucracy and corporate greenist culture and architecture pure and functionalist, also to free my own mind from the oppressions of biology and experiment with everything up to the universe itself

We seriously need to start banning these people