u/Effective-Affect-918

So I'm 31 NB, AMAB. I recently came out as non-binary. It's a long story, but I'm really struggling right now to feel valid in it. I present pretty typically masculine. Not overly so, but my actual outward appearance I'm kind of comfortable in - beard, etc.

I also do not dress up all that much. I'm pretty into athleisure on my day-to-day. That's kind of what I mix and match, and I have a lot of ballcaps and stuff. But I wear a lot of black, stretchy athletic shorts, etc.

I don't really know what I'm going for at the moment, but I'm not really trying to overly swing the pendulum in the feminine direction. I don't have a lot of interest in even, like, painting my nails or doing makeup. I'd be interested in some general help like skincare and I want to look more cute, but I'm struggling I guess finding a middle ground as an AMAB person.

I've begun to explore a very, very small amount but am still a little insecure in it. For example, I got a hat with a floral print on it. I bought a pair of sandals that are unisex, but lean slightly feminine (Gizeh Birks if it helps). And that kind of stuff has made feel so elated....sort of like a flash of color, a little more subtle, but still kind of within the lines of masculine, but teetering somewhere in the middle with openness to trying more feminine items. Like I guess one example is I really love those baggy yoga pants women wear (harem pants I think?), but I don't know if I could pull it off.

I'm just wondering, like, would there be any advise to small, subtle things I can change in my appearance that can help? I guess it's hard when I wear mostly black and mostly athletic clothing. But if I could even slightly tweak that and maybe a couple accessories, I'd feel a little better? I don't know. Again, any advice is helpful. I'm pretty insecure as a person and am just sort of taking this slowly but sadly feeling invalid along the way lol. Or even like mannerisms and behaviors to pick up or consider are also helpful. Just, idk lol.

I'm 31 AMAB. For the longest time, I've struggled with gender identity and my relationship to masculinity and femininity. I grew up in a really toxic space where my father would call every single one of my interests "gay." As a result, I just grew up being really insecure about opening up about my interests - there's this constant fear of being judged, which has made me closed off.

Growing up, I have not vibed with men at all. Straight, gay, anything....I feel like I'm constantly masking. There's discomfort. I think a lot of it is internalized toxic masculinity, which I'm sure is part of it, but for the longest time I thought that was the entirety of it. My consensus was always: I hate men because of my toxic relationship with my father and because I'm a man, I'm self-loathing and feel out of place. I also don't know if it matters or not, but I'm not sexually attracted to men of any kind. I am attracted to all women, femme presenting non binary people, etc. I'm attracted to femininity, but don't know what to call it?

But as time has gone on, I've reflected on masculinity as a concept and have come to realize I also don't identify with any of it. I don't have a desire to appear masculine. I don't really have any traits or qualities that make me especially masculine one way or the other. I don't see men on tv or on radio or on podcasts that I see myself in. My girlfriend has always told me that she never considered me to be hyper-masculine or anything, and she always thought of me as just myself. I toyed around with a he/they pronoun on a Zoom call once and felt elated. Had no idea what it meant, but I felt so much lighter. She was actually overjoyed when I came out, as she recently came out to me as a queer person and I guess she kind of prefers me as NB than a man. Or at least she's excited for me.

That's kind of where I began exploring all of this. I know labels aren't for everyone and you shouldn't rush into something, but categorization of any type helps me. I just feel sort of invalid still. Like maybe I am just a man who finds it easy to shed the toxic masculinity and express themselves more fully by not identifying as a man. But as I've separated from he/him into he/they, I've found myself having a hard time being referred to in a masculine context. My mom will sometimes email me and my brother with "hello men" and I kind of curl up. Some of my girlfriend's friends refer to me as the boyfriend or come to me to get a "man's" opinion on something and this new discomfort with gendered terms is kind of accelerating. I don't know if that makes any sense. Even typing how I'm a "man" here really, really isn't sitting right and I don't know why.

Meanwhile, I'm pretty masc presenting. I have a beard, anyone who saw me on the street and had to assume my gender, all answers would be that I'm a man. I don't really desire to be overtly feminine either. I'm actually very excited to maybe teeter on the line a bit between masculine and feminine, but I don't want to go overboard. When I came out to my partner, she was supportive, but did ask if this was more of a transgender thing where I want to wear more feminine clothes like dresses, and I just don't. I don't really want to paint my nails or present entirely differently. I honestly mostly wear athleisure anyways. I'd be so open to some cute stuff like some new types of joggers or sandals that are slightly more feminine, but IDK, I'm mostly okay as myself. I've bought a few small things like a "men's" hat with some flowers on it and a hoodie with a cute small pink mascot on it, but that's been about it.

And then once again, I feel invalid. I feel invalid because I truly don't know if I'm non-binary (feels good to say) vs a man running from that identity to more comfortably explore femininity / androgyny. And because I don't present really in another way, am I queer enough or whatever to fit into queer spaces. I just see accounts on IG or YouTube for non-binary folks and, I don't totally feel like I fit in or belong with them either. I hope none of this comes across poorly or if I've said anything insensitive, I just am really struggling to feel valid as a non-binary person because how I present is still kind of the same and I am aware that I concurrently have some stuff to unpack from my childhood.

This was more of a rant, I guess I'm just wondering if any of this is relatable or normal for someone just unpacking a lot of this. I don't want to use being non-binary as a way to feel safer expressing myself because I feel less safe as a "man" or whatever. And I don't feel like I should go to queer spaces or....I don't know. I'm upset today and struggling with words and emotions.

Also unrelated, but if there are very small things I can do to maybe teeter a little more androgynous / feminine, I'm super open to it, I just have felt most of the advise is to start make up or paint your nails, and that just doesn't resonate either.

So, I just started therapy. Much needed. I'm 31 and male/non-binary. I have a lot to work on - burnout, stress, familial trauma, and now exploring my gender identity. Referring to myself as non-binary is new, so LGBTQIA+ affirming care is kind of pretty important.

A few months ago, I started a somatic and talk therapy - I've always liked the wellness sort of stuff to be incorporated because I have issues with mind-body connection. I found a space nearby and on their website it said that they were LGBT affirming. So far, the therapist has been nice. Sessions have been good, but I found the business owner on IG and was looking at what she was following. I try to do a lot of due diligence upfront, but didn't think much of it after looking through their website.

Turns out, she follows things like Newsmax, white nationalists, the Trumps, etc. I looked for my actual therapist too to see what she follows, but her account was private. I kind of left it there. But my therapist did send me some somatic meditations on YouTube and the woman who leads those also is following all kinds of the same people, which sucked lol.

I guess I'm just wondering if it's okay to bail and look elsehwhere. I just....I don't know, now I don't know if I feel safe talking about my identity, potential queerness, etc. Like, I'm very masc presenting and all of this is new to me. But now I kind of feel weird in terms of being authentic. But I don't really want to confront them about it. I've thought of finding an explicitly queer therapist or a more affirming space, but because I still haven't figured myself out, I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

Would it make sense to just move on? Can I essentially "quiet quit" this therapist? Am I overreacting? I just suddenly don't feel like it's a space I can support even if some of their other therapists there seem great. Something about the biz owner kind of being an alt-right woo woo person makes me feel horrible

I realize this is vague and kind of niche. Recently, I've really been into somatic / mindfulness-based therapy. I see a psychotherapist maybe 30-40 minutes outside of the city and the work has resonated. I've come to find out the business owner is pretty right-wing. My therapist also recently suggested some additional resources (e.g., meditations) from right-wing creators. I don't know if it was intentional as I don't really have a grasp on her politics (and this content creator is EVERYWHERE), but I've been a bit uncomfortable.

I'm not here to start a "dialogue" but I've recently come to terms with my queerness as a non-binary person. My partner is queer, lots of our friends are, and I'm uncomfortable doing a lot of this unpacking work with someone / a business I feel I can't be 100% authentic in. Along this journey, I've come to realize how political these wellness spaces are. I don't know why it's like that, but I'm frustrated.

I don't need these spaces to be feverishly political, but I just would rather not give my money to people who run these businesses that do not validate my existence. I'm around the Wicker Park area and am wondering if anyone can recommend maybe some somatic therapy spaces, yoga studios, breathwork classes, etc. that just might be more affirming? I kind of need community anyways and love this work, so I'm just not sure if anyone might have any suggestions. So if there's anyone who also likes this stuff (or needs friends!!), please feel free to reach out.

I'm 31 AMAB and recently came out to my partner (F bisexual) as non-binary. At first she was a little thrown off, but has been largely supportive. There haven't really been many changes in our day to day because I've changed next to nothing.

As is, I'm pretty masc presenting. I think I appear to most as cis. I'm kind of conflicted because I am not looking to really change up how I look, but I also wouldn't mind exploring subtle changes to bring some femininity into my appearance.

I'm wondering if anyone would have small, subtle ways to start exploring more options, I guess? Like, a lot of finally coming to terms with my gender identity was a huge relief. I feel so much less weight on my shoulders to "appear" masculine. But I also dress pretty modest (hoodies, shorts, sweatpants, beard, etc.) and don't often love attention. I don't want to go overly feminine like painting my nails, but just smaller things I guess.

It's a dumb example, but I bought my first pair of sandals a week or so ago (something I'd never wear earlier, just Arizona Birks) and feel just totally elated. So I'm trying to see if there are other things to do or try that aren't overly feminine, but kind of a subtle change to dip my toe in the water, I guess if that makes sense.

I don't think I'm into things like makeup or nail painting, but idk, I'd like to explore this part of me more in small ways but am not sure where to begin.

Edit: The title should've been "Subtle ways to explore femininity now that I've come out as non-binary." I put this title out kind of fast and realize my title as is doesn't make sense because being NB can be anything.

I've done it. I've caved. No more flip flops, I bought my first pair of Arizona Birkenstocks last week for the summer and they look so much better and are so much more comfortable for me. I got them on a sale and they are the birko flor brand (which I've heard bad things about here...so if you do have good experiences, make me feel better! 😭). I actually didn't even know the difference and went with the cheaper price. They all look the same to a newbie.

Since them I've worn them a decent amount. But I have a gnarly blister now under my foot. Kind of right around the left met area. Upper half of the foot, not exactly midfoot, the best term I found was left met. I try to limit to 20 mins or so a day on walks, but there have been two times where I was out longer than expected and they started hurting.

Anyways, I've now got two blisters in the same area on both feet. I did check the sub a bit before posting this to avoid redundancy, and I know there isn't an issue with the shoe being too tight or something with the straps. I think it's just my foot adjusting? I've never really worn open toed shoes before this. When I walk now, I just feel this ball under my foot and it's so uncomfortable.

I kind of want to wear these a lot before summers out (how long do you wear these into the year?), but definitely need breaks between outings, which is a bummer because its warm this year in the Midwest. Any advice on just dealing with breaking them in, what's happening, how to help? And also, does anyone not hate the birko flor lol.

So, I recently started some somatic therapy and really resonate with the work. I know it's not for everyone, but as someone who has a complete mind-body disconnect....it helps. My therapist recommended doing somatic meditation / body scan work. I really struggle without a guide.

She recommended Wendy Jones to me (probably because she's all over Youtube), and while I like her work....unfortunately, I have reservations. As someone who is newly out as queer and working through a lot of processing of thoughts / emotions / etc., I came to discover that Wendy is very right-wing.

I can typically separate art from the artist, but as I'm working through a lot, I don't necessarily feel comfortable or welcome in her space. Politics aren't everything, but to know out of the gate that a lot of people she follows outwardly hates queer people....I just can't find any ease. I also have a weird suspicion that there's a lot of AI use.

I'm just wondering if there are people who do similar guided meditations, body scans, etc. on YouTube or other means that are maybe more welcoming, diverse, but having similar types of content available..

I know this is a touchy topic for some and I'm not trying to create a huge dialogue, I'm really just looking for recommendations.

I've dated my partner for about five years now and it's largely fine and steady. We're good partners to each other, we get along, there's not really any drama. But to be upfront, sex has been pretty unspoken for a while now. Over two years probably. Physical affection (cuddling, etc.) has also kind of decreased as time has gone on.

There's a lot that contributed to this. One was a pregnancy scare. Early on in our relationship, we'd be together a lot. I am her first and she was one of my first. We had a lot of fun I thought having sex with each other. She grew up in a very religious upbringing. She's not religious now, but a lot of it is kind of stuck with her. She's a little more prudish to sex than most. But there was a point we were having sex multiple times a week, she was very late for a period, and there was a lot of intense anxiety and I think it sort of shocked both our systems for a bit (neither of us want kids).

Another is just a health thing. I've become really sedentary over the years due to a very demanding job and that impacted my sex drive. I'm kind of starting to chip away at it now, but just a lot of body dysmorphia, discomfort in my body, weight gain, etc. It's only 10-15lbs and she has never once said or implied I wasn't attractive to her. But I feel it in my body and feel less interested to undress, etc. I'm starting to try to address this now by walking more and starting a fitness class.

Anyways, this has been completely unspoken for a long time now. I didn't really envision that it'd be a forever thing. But we were both at low points, she has a lot of trauma to work through, and, I don't know. I just don't know how to ever bring it up because it will at this point kind of be jarring. I know sometimes relationships lose some passion over time and I wouldn't expect to be having sex all the time, but we don't cuddle a ton and even small things kind of bother me. She has her routine at night to wind down, and just seems less into physical touch than she once did. She's bi (new) and I'm non-binary (new) if it matters at all.

I just kind of really cherish physical touch and am a little bummed it's been so long now. We're otherwise solid, but I'm not one to confront and as the "man" or whatever, I don't ever want to come across as pressuring. Is there a way to maybe slowly reintroduce physical intimacy into the relationship? Or sex at all? I just kind of feel like it's taboo now and it was never discussed. I think we both decided it at the time, I just don't know if it's ever been given more thought. Her new friend group talks about sex all the time, I honestly wonder if I ever come up. It was fun when we did it. When she is physical with me, it's usually when she's distressed. Like, if she's had a hard day or is really upset, she'll cuddle for comfort or something, but it's usually on her terms and she can be kind of sensitive to touch.

TLDR; partner and I have a pretty solid, communicative relationship, but sex has been off the table for years and she isn't as affectionate as I thought. Is there any way to slowly reintroduce any of this without causing a scene?

I'll preface by saying I know that nobody can define me as NB one way or the other. I know it's not something you are diagnosed with. I'm just wondering if my experience resembles one of a non-binary person, or if I sound like I'm struggling with internalized toxic masculinity.

I'm 31 AMAB. I'm typically cisgender male presenting. Beard, buzzcut, what I wear is generally plain (athleisure, plain t's and hoodies), etc. And I'm only attracted to femininity (cis women, trans women, non-binary femme presenting, etc.). I struggle with men. I don't feel safe to be myself in male-dominated spaces. I'm perpetually masking to appear like a "normal guy," and I can do that really well, but I'm very tired after the fact.

I've never desired to be "one of the guys." When I was younger, I hated the rough housing my dad would do. I don't have much of a connection to masculinity - it's not something I aspire for. "Being a man" has never felt meaningful to me. I don't feel I relate to or want to feel connected to mainstream men in news/sports/pop culture, etc. If anything, the entire concept feels suffocating.

My father was very conservative. He instilled in me at a young age, "if you do anything outside of traditional gender norms, than you're a ***!" This led to me not really becoming that adventurous of a person. It'd be anything - video games with female leads, using a straw, wearing open-toed shoes, you name it. As a result, I'm extremely guarded.

But lately, I've just been up a lot more at night thinking about my identity and how much I hate what toxic masculinity has done to me. Masculinity means nothing to me and I feel like it's robbed me of security of exploring non-traditionally masculine things. For example, I love yoga but feel weird going into classes because it's typically a more female-populated space. I love all my plushies, but feel so weird being "a man" who owns them. I'd love to do spa days, pedicures, etc. I'm often really jealous of all of the fashion women have available to them compared to men. My partner and I were sandal shopping last weekend (a huge step for me lol) and hers are so cute/summery and mine are just these boring bulky flip flops. I've also felt attached to my hair. It's the longest I've had it grown out and ahead of a business trip, I'm going for my usual buzz cut this week to "look more professional." I keep postponing it out of dread. I don't feel I identify as a woman either, but I definitely feel like I keep a feminine part of me locked behind a lot of doors. Sometimes my partner has her girl friends over and all I want to say is "I LOVE your boots/outfit/hair", but it's just something that'd never come out of my mouth. I want to cry during sappy movies, but I physically can not let tears out lol. I love women and being in the company of women, and feel very much the opposite with men.

I don't know why this has been bothering me so much. It might also be in part because my partner recently came out as bi. And when we were out drinking one night last month, she was asking about my identity/sexuality. As a preface, when we first started dating, I put that I was pansexual on a dating app (not fully knowing what it meant when I was younger, but not feeling comfortable putting straight). She said that confused her because I come across as a straight cis male to her. I told her that I'm attracted to women and femme presenting non-binary folks, and her response was, "oh, so you are queer!" I'm not really sure if that's true and we were both drinking, but when I heard someone say I was queer out loud, I felt SUCH a relief. I don't know what it was, just nobody had ever categorized me that way before. I have always felt safer in queer places, yet I feel like an interloper because of how I look and act. We haven't really discussed since, although since coming out as bi, she was saying, in a hypothetical sense that if I was ever trans, she'd be cool with it. It was kind of out of nowhere, I don't think she's picking up on anything about me (she's not super perceptive), she's just sort of exploring her own identity

The most recent thing I've done in private is use he/they pronouns. I don't feel offended being referred to as "he" since it's what I've gone by my entire life. But I am becoming a little less comfortable with it and don't love the label. At an event this weekend, my partner said that I looked masculine, and it made me squirm on the inside. I don't like "handsome" but don't mind "pretty" or neutral compliments. The barber I'm going to this week is at a "gentleman's salon" sort of space, which I'm also feeling uncomfortable with. When I changed the pronouns on a Zoom call and used he/they, it was just a similar weight off my shoulders. Part of me felt so relieved that I wanted to just be they/them. But I don't feel like I deserve it because I don't know if I'm a non-binary person or a man who's uncomfortable doing feminine things because of unresolved trauma.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trans, but I don't really feel this need or deep desire to be a woman either. I've read about some people's transgender realization experiences online, and I don't think I relate to a lot of it (crossdressing at a young age, painting nails, etc.). I don't really want to do this entire 180 on how I present today. I kind of just feel weighed down by gender roles, but also would love to just feel more comfortable doing feminine things. I feel like I can be more feminine if I'm non-binary without as much restriction. It also helps that I'm just infinitely more comfortable around women. I've always wanted a "girl group" and to go to more feminine things, but kind of just look like myself. Or maybe see if I could be a touch more feminine without much of a change - cuter shoes, exploring some beauty products, I think that's the extent of it. I just don't know.

I know this is a wall of text and I ping-ponged all over the place. For anyone who read through, thank you. I apologize if I was disorganized. I just...have nobody to talk to about this. And I want to have a little more clarity before opening up to my partner about it. I also don't really know what to say to her about it because I don't think it will lead to a huge change....just like, maybe more comfort and openness to do more feminine things with her? But what would even be an example? Idk. Any kind of response to any of this would just really mean a lot.

I'll preface by saying I know that nobody can define me as NB one way or the other. I know it's not something you are diagnosed with. I'm just wondering if my experience resembles one of a queer / non-binary person, or if I sound like I'm struggling with internalized toxic masculinity.

I'm 31 AMAB. I'm typically cisgender male presenting. Beard, buzzcut, what I wear is generally plain (athleisure, plain t's and hoodies), etc. And I'm only attracted to femininity (cis women, trans women, non-binary femme presenting, etc.). I struggle with men. I don't feel safe to be myself in male-dominated spaces. I'm perpetually masking to appear like a "normal guy," and I can do that really well, but I'm very tired after the fact.

I've never desired to be "one of the guys." When I was younger, I hated the rough housing my dad would do. I don't have much of a connection to masculinity - it's not something I aspire for. "Being a man" has never felt meaningful to me. I don't feel I relate to or want to feel connected to mainstream men in news/sports/pop culture, etc. If anything, the entire concept feels suffocating.

My father was very conservative. He instilled in me at a young age, "if you do anything outside of traditional gender norms, than you're a ***!" This led to me not really becoming that adventurous of a person. It'd be anything - video games with female leads, using a straw, wearing open-toed shoes, you name it. As a result, I'm extremely guarded.

But lately, I've just been up a lot more at night thinking about my identity and how much I hate what toxic masculinity has done to me. Masculinity means nothing to me and I feel like it's robbed me of security of exploring non-traditionally masculine things. For example, I love yoga but feel weird going into classes because it's typically a more female-populated space. I love all my plushies, but feel so weird being "a man" who owns them. I'd love to do spa days, pedicures, etc. I'm often really jealous of all of the fashion women have available to them compared to men. My partner and I were sandal shopping last weekend (a huge step for me lol) and hers are so cute/summery and mine are just these boring bulky flip flops. I've also felt attached to my hair. It's the longest I've had it grown out and ahead of a business trip, I'm going for my usual buzz cut this week to "look more professional." I keep postponing it out of dread. I don't feel I identify as a woman either, but I definitely feel like I keep a feminine part of me locked behind a lot of doors. Sometimes my partner has her girl friends over and all I want to say is "I LOVE your boots/outfit/hair", but it's just something that'd never come out of my mouth. I want to cry during sappy movies, but I physically can not let tears out lol.

I don't know why this has been bothering me so much. It might also be in part because my partner recently came out as bi. And when we were out drinking one night last month, she was asking about my identity/sexuality. As a preface, when we first started dating, I put that I was pansexual on a dating app (not fully knowing what it meant when I was younger, but not feeling comfortable putting straight). She said that confused her because I come across as a straight cis male to her. I told her that I'm attracted to women and femme presenting non-binary folks, and her response was, "oh, so you are queer!" I'm not really sure if that's true and we were both drinking, but when I heard someone say I was queer out loud, I felt SUCH a relief. I don't know what it was, just nobody had ever categorized me that way before. I have always felt safer in queer places, yet I feel like an interloper because of how I look and act. I was invited to a breathwork group that was queer inclusive and never went because I didn't feel like I was queer...or queer enough? We haven't really discussed since, although since coming out as bi, she was saying, in a hypothetical sense that if I was ever trans, she'd be cool with it. It was kind of out of nowhere, I don't think she's picking up on anything about me (she's not super perceptive), she's just sort of exploring her own identity

The most recent thing I've done in private is use he/they pronouns. I don't feel offended being referred to as "he" since it's what I've gone by my entire life. But I am becoming a little less comfortable with it and don't love the label. At an event this weekend, my partner said that I looked masculine, and it made me squirm on the inside. The barber I'm going to this week is at a "gentleman's salon" sort of space, which I'm also feeling uncomfortable with. When I changed the pronouns on a Zoom call and used he/they, it was just a similar weight off my shoulders. Part of me felt so relieved that I wanted to just be they/them. But I don't feel like I deserve it because I don't know if I'm a non-binary person or a man who's uncomfortable doing feminine things because of unresolved trauma.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trans, but I don't really feel this need or deep desire to be a woman either. I've read about some people's transgender realization experiences online, and I don't think I relate to a lot of it (crossdressing at a young age, painting nails, etc.). I don't really want to do this entire 180 on how I present today. I kind of just feel weighed down by gender roles, but also would love to just feel more comfortable doing feminine things. I feel like I can be more feminine if I'm non-binary without as much restriction. It also helps that I'm just infinitely more comfortable around women. I've always wanted a "girl group" and to go to more feminine things, but kind of just look like myself. Or maybe see if I could be a touch more feminine without much of a change - cuter shoes, exploring some beauty products, I think that's the extent of it. I just don't know. What really holds me back on a lot of my difficulty with labels is my complete indifference towards men/concepts of masculinity. Like....if I was queer, wouldn't I be attracted to them? Idk.

I know this is a wall of text and I ping-ponged all over the place. For anyone who read through, thank you. I apologize if I was disorganized. I just...have nobody to talk to about this. And I want to have a little more clarity before opening up to my partner about it. I also don't really know what to say to her about it because I don't think it will lead to a huge change....just like, maybe more comfort and openness to do more feminine things with her? But what would even be an example? Idk. Any kind of response to any of this would just really mean a lot.

I'll preface by saying I know that nobody can define me as NB one way or the other. I know it's not something you are diagnosed with. I'm just wondering if my experience resembles one of a queer / non-binary person, or if I sound like I'm struggling with internalized toxic masculinity.

I'm 31 AMAB. I'm typically cisgender male presenting. Beard, buzzcut, what I wear is generally plain (athleisure, plain t's and hoodies), etc. And I'm only attracted to femininity (cis women, trans women, non-binary femme presenting, etc.). I struggle with men. I don't feel safe to be myself in male-dominated spaces. I'm perpetually masking to appear like a "normal guy," and I can do that really well, but I'm very tired after the fact.

I've never desired to be "one of the guys." When I was younger, I hated the rough housing my dad would do. I don't have much of a connection to masculinity - it's not something I aspire for. "Being a man" has never felt meaningful to me. I don't feel I relate to or want to feel connected to mainstream men in news/sports/pop culture, etc. If anything, the entire concept feels suffocating.

My father was very conservative. He instilled in me at a young age, "if you do anything outside of traditional gender norms, than you're a ***!" This led to me not really becoming that adventurous of a person. It'd be anything - video games with female leads, using a straw, wearing open-toed shoes, you name it. As a result, I'm extremely guarded.

But lately, I've just been up a lot more at night thinking about my identity and how much I hate what toxic masculinity has done to me. Masculinity means nothing to me and I feel like it's robbed me of security of exploring non-traditionally masculine things. For example, I love yoga but feel weird going into classes because it's typically a more female-populated space. I love all my plushies, but feel so weird being "a man" who owns them. I'd love to do spa days, pedicures, etc. I'm often really jealous of all of the fashion women have available to them compared to men. My partner and I were sandal shopping last weekend (a huge step for me lol) and hers are so cute/summery and mine are just these boring bulky flip flops. I've also felt attached to my hair. It's the longest I've had it grown out and ahead of a business trip, I'm going for my usual buzz cut this week to "look more professional." I keep postponing it out of dread. I don't feel I identify as a woman either, but I definitely feel like I keep a feminine part of me locked behind a lot of doors. Sometimes my partner has her girl friends over and all I want to say is "I LOVE your boots/outfit/hair", but it's just something that'd never come out of my mouth. I want to cry during sappy movies, but I physically can not let tears out lol.

I don't know why this has been bothering me so much. It might also be in part because my partner recently came out as bi. And when we were out drinking one night last month, she was asking about my identity/sexuality. As a preface, when we first started dating, I put that I was pansexual on a dating app (not fully knowing what it meant when I was younger, but not feeling comfortable putting straight). She said that confused her because I come across as a straight cis male to her. I told her that I'm attracted to women and femme presenting non-binary folks, and her response was, "oh, so you are queer!" I'm not really sure if that's true and we were both drinking, but when I heard someone say I was queer out loud, I felt SUCH a relief. I don't know what it was, just nobody had ever categorized me that way before. I have always felt safer in queer places, yet I feel like an interloper because of how I look and act. I was invited to a breathwork group that was queer inclusive and never went because I didn't feel like I was queer...or queer enough? We haven't really discussed since, although since coming out as bi, she was saying, in a hypothetical sense that if I was ever trans, she'd be cool with it. It was kind of out of nowhere, I don't think she's picking up on anything about me (she's not super perceptive), she's just sort of exploring her own identity

The most recent thing I've done in private is use he/they pronouns. I don't feel offended being referred to as "he" since it's what I've gone by my entire life. But I am becoming a little less comfortable with it and don't love the label. At an event this weekend, my partner said that I looked masculine, and it made me squirm on the inside. The barber I'm going to this week is at a "gentleman's salon" sort of space, which I'm also feeling uncomfortable with. When I changed the pronouns on a Zoom call and used he/they, it was just a similar weight off my shoulders. Part of me felt so relieved that I wanted to just be they/them. But I don't feel like I deserve it because I don't know if I'm a non-binary person or a man who's uncomfortable doing feminine things because of unresolved trauma.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trans, but I don't really feel this need or deep desire to be a woman either. I've read about some people's transgender realization experiences online, and I don't think I relate to a lot of it (crossdressing at a young age, painting nails, etc.). I don't really want to do this entire 180 on how I present today. I kind of just feel weighed down by gender roles, but also would love to just feel more comfortable doing feminine things. I feel like I can be more feminine if I'm non-binary without as much restriction. It also helps that I'm just infinitely more comfortable around women. I've always wanted a "girl group" and to go to more feminine things, but kind of just look like myself. Or maybe see if I could be a touch more feminine without much of a change - cuter shoes, exploring some beauty products, I think that's the extent of it. I just don't know. What really holds me back on a lot of my difficulty with labels is my complete indifference towards men/concepts of masculinity. Like....if I was queer, wouldn't I be attracted to them? Idk.

I know this is a wall of text and I ping-ponged all over the place. For anyone who read through, thank you. I apologize if I was disorganized. I just...have nobody to talk to about this. And I want to have a little more clarity before opening up to my partner about it. I also don't really know what to say to her about it because I don't think it will lead to a huge change....just like, maybe more comfort and openness to do more feminine things with her? But what would even be an example? Idk. Any kind of response to any of this would just really mean a lot.

I'll preface by saying I know that nobody can define me as NB one way or the other. I know it's not something you are diagnosed with. I'm just wondering if my experience resembles one of a non-binary person, or if I sound like I'm struggling with internalized toxic masculinity.

I'm 31 AMAB. I'm typically cisgender male presenting. Beard, buzzcut, what I wear is generally plain (athleisure, plain t's and hoodies), etc. And I'm only attracted to femininity (cis women, trans women, non-binary femme presenting, etc.). I struggle with men. I don't feel safe to be myself in male-dominated spaces. I'm perpetually masking to appear like a "normal guy," and I can do that really well, but I'm very tired after the fact.

I've never desired to be "one of the guys." When I was younger, I hated the rough housing my dad would do. I don't have much of a connection to masculinity - it's not something I aspire for. "Being a man" has never felt meaningful to me. I don't feel I relate to or want to feel connected to mainstream men in news/sports/pop culture, etc. If anything, the entire concept feels suffocating.

My father was very conservative. He instilled in me at a young age, "if you do anything outside of traditional gender norms, than you're a ***!" This led to me not really becoming that adventurous of a person. It'd be anything - video games with female leads, using a straw, wearing open-toed shoes, you name it. As a result, I'm extremely guarded.

But lately, I've just been up a lot more at night thinking about my identity and how much I hate what toxic masculinity has done to me. Masculinity means nothing to me and I feel like it's robbed me of security of exploring non-traditionally masculine things. For example, I love yoga but feel weird going into classes because it's typically a more female-populated space. I love all my plushies, but feel so weird being "a man" who owns them. I'd love to do spa days, pedicures, etc. I'm often really jealous of all of the fashion women have available to them compared to men. My partner and I were sandal shopping last weekend (a huge step for me lol) and hers are so cute/summery and mine are just these boring bulky flip flops. I've also felt attached to my hair. It's the longest I've had it grown out and ahead of a business trip, I'm going for my usual buzz cut this week to "look more professional." I keep postponing it out of dread. I don't feel I identify as a woman either, but I definitely feel like I keep a feminine part of me locked behind a lot of doors. Sometimes my partner has her girl friends over and all I want to say is "I LOVE your boots/outfit/hair", but it's just something that'd never come out of my mouth. I want to cry during sappy movies, but I physically can not let tears out lol.

I don't know why this has been bothering me so much. It might also be in part because my partner recently came out as bi. And when we were out drinking one night last month, she was asking about my identity/sexuality. As a preface, when we first started dating, I put that I was pansexual on a dating app (not fully knowing what it meant when I was younger, but not feeling comfortable putting straight). She said that confused her because I come across as a straight cis male to her. I told her that I'm attracted to women and femme presenting non-binary folks, and her response was, "oh, so you are queer!" I'm not really sure if that's true and we were both drinking, but when I heard someone say I was queer out loud, I felt SUCH a relief. I don't know what it was, just nobody had ever categorized me that way before. I have always felt safer in queer places, yet I feel like an interloper because of how I look and act. We haven't really discussed since, although since coming out as bi, she was saying, in a hypothetical sense that if I was ever trans, she'd be cool with it. It was kind of out of nowhere, I don't think she's picking up on anything about me (she's not super perceptive), she's just sort of exploring her own identity

The most recent thing I've done in private is use he/they pronouns. I don't feel offended being referred to as "he" since it's what I've gone by my entire life. But I am becoming a little less comfortable with it and don't love the label. At an event this weekend, my partner said that I looked masculine, and it made me squirm on the inside. The barber I'm going to this week is at a "gentleman's salon" sort of space, which I'm also feeling uncomfortable with. When I changed the pronouns on a Zoom call and used he/they, it was just a similar weight off my shoulders. Part of me felt so relieved that I wanted to just be they/them. But I don't feel like I deserve it because I don't know if I'm a non-binary person or a man who's uncomfortable doing feminine things because of unresolved trauma.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trans, but I don't really feel this need or deep desire to be a woman either. I've read about some people's transgender realization experiences online, and I don't think I relate to a lot of it (crossdressing at a young age, painting nails, etc.). I don't really want to do this entire 180 on how I present today. I kind of just feel weighed down by gender roles, but also would love to just feel more comfortable doing feminine things. I feel like I can be more feminine if I'm non-binary without as much restriction. It also helps that I'm just infinitely more comfortable around women. I've always wanted a "girl group" and to go to more feminine things, but kind of just look like myself. Or maybe see if I could be a touch more feminine without much of a change - cuter shoes, exploring some beauty products, I think that's the extent of it. I just don't know.

I know this is a wall of text and I ping-ponged all over the place. For anyone who read through, thank you. I apologize if I was disorganized. I just...have nobody to talk to about this. And I want to have a little more clarity before opening up to my partner about it. I also don't really know what to say to her about it because I don't think it will lead to a huge change....just like, maybe more comfort and openness to do more feminine things with her? But what would even be an example? Idk. Any kind of response to any of this would just really mean a lot.

I'll preface by saying I know that nobody can define me as NB one way or the other. I know it's not something you are diagnosed with. I'm just wondering if my experience resembles one of a non-binary person, or if I sound like I'm struggling with internalized toxic masculinity.

I'm 31 AMAB. I'm typically cisgender male presenting. Beard, buzzcut, what I wear is generally plain (athleisure, plain t's and hoodies), etc. And I'm only attracted to femininity (cis women, trans women, non-binary femme presenting, etc.). I struggle with men. I don't feel safe to be myself in male-dominated spaces. I'm perpetually masking to appear like a "normal guy," and I can do that really well, but I'm very tired after the fact.

I've never desired to be "one of the guys." When I was younger, I hated the rough housing my dad would do. I don't have much of a connection to masculinity - it's not something I aspire for. "Being a man" has never felt meaningful to me. I don't feel I relate to or want to feel connected to mainstream men in news/sports/pop culture, etc. If anything, the entire concept feels suffocating.

My father was very conservative. He instilled in me at a young age, "if you do anything outside of traditional gender norms, than you're a ***!" This led to me not really becoming that adventurous of a person. It'd be anything - video games with female leads, using a straw, wearing open-toed shoes, you name it. As a result, I'm extremely guarded.

But lately, I've just been up a lot more at night thinking about my identity and how much I hate what toxic masculinity has done to me. Masculinity means nothing to me and I feel like it's robbed me of security of exploring non-traditionally masculine things. For example, I love yoga but feel weird going into classes because it's typically a more female-populated space. I love all my plushies, but feel so weird being "a man" who owns them. I'd love to do spa days, pedicures, etc. I'm often really jealous of all of the fashion women have available to them compared to men. My partner and I were sandal shopping last weekend (a huge step for me lol) and hers are so cute/summery and mine are just these boring bulky flip flops. I've also felt attached to my hair. It's the longest I've had it grown out and ahead of a business trip, I'm going for my usual buzz cut this week to "look more professional." I keep postponing it out of dread. I don't feel I identify as a woman either, but I definitely feel like I keep a feminine part of me locked behind a lot of doors. Sometimes my partner has her girl friends over and all I want to say is "I LOVE your boots/outfit/hair", but it's just something that'd never come out of my mouth. I want to cry during sappy movies, but I physically can not let tears out lol.

I don't know why this has been bothering me so much. It might also be in part because my partner recently came out as bi. And when we were out drinking one night last month, she was asking about my identity/sexuality. As a preface, when we first started dating, I put that I was pansexual on a dating app (not fully knowing what it meant when I was younger, but not feeling comfortable putting straight). She said that confused her because I come across as a straight cis male to her. I told her that I'm attracted to women and femme presenting non-binary folks, and her response was, "oh, so you are queer!" I'm not really sure if that's true and we were both drinking, but when I heard someone say I was queer out loud, I felt SUCH a relief. I don't know what it was, just nobody had ever categorized me that way before. I have always felt safer in queer places, yet I feel like an interloper because of how I look and act. We haven't really discussed since, although since coming out as bi, she was saying, in a hypothetical sense that if I was ever trans, she'd be cool with it. It was kind of out of nowhere, I don't think she's picking up on anything about me (she's not super perceptive), she's just sort of exploring her own identity

The most recent thing I've done in private is use he/they pronouns. I don't feel offended being referred to as "he" since it's what I've gone by my entire life. But I am becoming a little less comfortable with it and don't love the label. At an event this weekend, my partner said that I looked masculine, and it made me squirm on the inside. I don't like "handsome" but don't mind "pretty" or neutral compliments. The barber I'm going to this week is at a "gentleman's salon" sort of space, which I'm also feeling uncomfortable with. When I changed the pronouns on a Zoom call and used he/they, it was just a similar weight off my shoulders. Part of me felt so relieved that I wanted to just be they/them. But I don't feel like I deserve it because I don't know if I'm a non-binary person or a man who's uncomfortable doing feminine things because of unresolved trauma.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trans, but I don't really feel this need or deep desire to be a woman either. I've read about some people's transgender realization experiences online, and I don't think I relate to a lot of it (crossdressing at a young age, painting nails, etc.). I don't really want to do this entire 180 on how I present today. I kind of just feel weighed down by gender roles, but also would love to just feel more comfortable doing feminine things. I feel like I can be more feminine if I'm non-binary without as much restriction. It also helps that I'm just infinitely more comfortable around women. I've always wanted a "girl group" and to go to more feminine things, but kind of just look like myself. Or maybe see if I could be a touch more feminine without much of a change - cuter shoes, exploring some beauty products, I think that's the extent of it. I just don't know.

I know this is a wall of text and I ping-ponged all over the place. For anyone who read through, thank you. I apologize if I was disorganized. I just...have nobody to talk to about this. And I want to have a little more clarity before opening up to my partner about it. I also don't really know what to say to her about it because I don't think it will lead to a huge change....just like, maybe more comfort and openness to do more feminine things with her? But what would even be an example? Idk. Any kind of response to any of this would just really mean a lot.

31 M/NB. I'm in okay shape. I've never really loved open-toed shoes, I was always told growing up that they're for girls only (even though I feel non-binary these days). I usually just always wear sneakers, but the heat this year in the midwest has been a bit more brutal than normal.

My feet are in pretty decent shape because I'm almost only in socks. I'm a little nervous to even get a pair because I feel so weird not being in closed-toed shoes. But I think I just need something at this point for walking the dog, trips to the grocery store, and for casual plans.

I don't dress too outlandish. In the summer, I usually just have 6-9 inch shorts (athletic or linen) and usually some sort of layer on my torso (it's for comfort and body dysmorphia - light hoodie, windbreaker, sometimes just a t). Not a ton of colors, I usually wear black or earth tones.

I guess I'm just wondering, what's an acceptable open-toed shoe for men that's stylish? I know open-toe usually isn't stylish, especially for men, I just don't want to look like an old man or really be off-putting to my partner. Preferably something versatile. I'm really on and off about flip flops with the thong, and I also feel like they can look kinda trashy, but I'm open to suggestions.

31 M/NB. I'm in okay shape. I've never really loved open-toed shoes, I was always told growing up that they're for girls only (even though I feel non-binary these days). I usually just always wear sneakers, but the heat this year in the midwest has been a bit more brutal than normal.

My feet are in pretty decent shape because I'm almost only in socks. I'm a little nervous to even get a pair because I feel so weird not being in closed-toed shoes. But I think I just need something at this point for walking the dog, trips to the grocery store, and for casual plans.

I don't dress too outlandish. In the summer, I usually just have 6-9 inch shorts (athletic or linen) and usually some sort of layer on my torso (it's for comfort and body dysmorphia - light hoodie, windbreaker, sometimes just a t). Not a ton of colors, I usually wear black or earth tones.

I guess I'm just wondering, what's an acceptable open-toed shoe for men that's stylish? I know open-toe usually isn't stylish, especially for men, I just don't want to look like an old man or really be off-putting to my partner. Preferably something versatile. I'm really on and off about flip flops with the thong, and I also feel like they can look kinda trashy, but I'm open to suggestions.

We've been together over five years now. I we've really just gotten into a comfort zone that I'm becoming uncomfortable in.

When we first started dating, there was a lot more physical intimacy. More cuddling, more sex, I felt like she really thought highly of me. A lot of it has just kind of lessened in my eyes.

I think we're good partners for each other, but I miss physical intimacy. We've both been through a lot over the years - loss, illness, a cross-country move, family fallouts, etc. For me, I have a lot of body dysmorphia that's gotten worse after having a very sedentary job. And she grew up in a very religious upbringing, so there's a lot of inherent trauma about sex (she's no longer religious, but she's probably a little more prude-ish than not). And the last time we had sex was maybe 2.5 years ago, and we had a pregnancy scare. I think it kind of was a jolt for both of us and sex has been all but unspoken of since.

It's just like...an effort to get her to cuddle on the couch or something with me. Every night she's tired and so am I. She'll smoke and play video games all night. We'll sit there on the couch, but not really be together. Which is cool, but like, there's NEVER more. I really only receive physical intimacy when she's stressed. If she's not feeling well, she'll come to me for comfort. If I ask for anything, I feel bad for pulling her away from her relax time. We've always slept separately just out of personal preference. We'd share the same bed for sex or hanging out in mornings, but I'm sure that also kind of is a contributor.

I'm trying to work on myself again to feel like I'm in better shape. I'm working on a lot of things through therapy and want to get into a place where I'm comfortable doing a lot of these things again. I just don't know if she'll be on board. I know she loves me, but I feel like I have to work for compliments, acknowledgement, etc. She'll say she loves me and hold my arm sometimes when we're out together....but I don't know. Sometimes I feel like she's with me for the convenience. Not always, but our bills are split 70/30 because I make more than her and I'm happy to do that because I can afford to. But we usually split things like groceries 50/50 and I know she sometimes doesn't do that split evenly. aka, she does kind of just overcharge sometimes because she's having a rough week or whatever. It's not often or a ton, but she sometimes pockets money. I don't think she's "stealing" from me, but sometimes I wish she'd be more forthcoming about how much things cost. I don't know.

And the last thing is kind of painful, I just don't know if she'd make sacrifices for me that I have for her. She's been in a lot of financial trouble in our entire relationship. I've stopped doing a lot of things (like therapy) because I couldn't afford to support her so much otherwise. I'm very career driven and she isn't, which is okay. But I just would never leave her wanting or going without. If she's sad or not feeling well or needs extra support, I'll work some OT or do a payment plan on something or just, I don't know, I'll accommodate everything she needs. She works maybe 25-30 hours and I think she'd let me go without. If I have to give up therapy or a gym membership, I don't think she'd work extra for me. I think she'd just say "it is what it is." There's so much pressure on me financially in the relationship because I want to provide a nice life for all of us. She's kind of okay just where she's at. By no means is that bad or something, I just am continuously left wondering. I'd just rather work more to make things better and she's just more accepting of being in the same place.

I love her, I really do. But I think after this long, maybe some thoughts are coming up. I'd love a way to re-vitalize this or something, but I just don't really know where to begin. We've tried dedicated date nights, but we're so tired during the week and she's out with her friends almost every weekend. She'll invite me out to things and say "you can come" vs "I want you there," and it always makes me feel weird. It feels like a pity invite. I'd feel more inclined to go if she expressed a true desire for me to be there vs just saying I can do whatever I want. I think she loves me too, we've been at this a long time and life hasn't been super kind. I just kind of miss earlier times and feeling more emotionally loved. I tell her every day she's pretty, I thank her for all she does, that she's my favorite person. I don't get a ton back. It just seems as she's settled in she's not as "feely" as the start. That's kind of my read. And I'd just like a little mor ebut don't know how to get there or if it's possible.

TLDR; Been with partner for a long time and we've been lacking a lot of physical intimacy and I've been feeling unimportant as of late. Is there anything I can do to resolve or help?

I'll preface, I don't really identify as a "man", I'm more non-binary. But I'm pretty masculine presenting and don't really know where to ask. But basically, it's mid-July and the heat where I live in the Midwest has been overbearing.

I'm not really a high-fashion person - I probably own six pairs of shoes. Different types of sneakers, a clog suede Birkenstock for taking the trash out (which are too hot this summer), a pair of boots and some dress shoes.

I've never really loved open-toed shoes. I think 90% of men look rough in them because their feet are typically unkempt and it's kind of nasty. Flip flops always sort of agitated me or made me feel really unfashionable, and I've always hated the boat shoes look. My dad would always just say they are "gay" and that men just shouldn't have their feet out.

But I'm kind of at the point that it's just so hot and I feel sort of jealous of my partner or others who wear sandals and don't have to deal with the judgement. Every time I Google if men should wear open-toed shoes, it's usually women saying that they shouldn't wear them, people saying to put the toes away, etc. It's kind of dispiriting and feels like consensus lol.

I'm kind of just wondering - can / should men/male presenting people wear them or just find a more airy sneaker or something? I wouldn't wear them with pants or anything - just like linen shorts or activewear shorts or something. I'm kind of more of an athleisure person by default to begin with.

I've debated the Arizona Birkenstock but don't want to like, repulse my partner or something. My feet, nails, skin are pretty well kept for the most part. I don't have an excessive routine, but am almost always in socks, so at worst there's some dryness. But I kind of want to look good and not like a dork, especially to women. Any suggestions on something that might work, or should men just not wear them at all except for the beach? I kind of get the negative stigma around them, but wish I felt a bit more free to just wear what I want. And if there's advice for self care so wearing open toed shoes is more acceptable, I'm open to tips.

I'm new to skincare to be honest. I am male / non-binary and have been fortunate enough to have good skin for the most part. But I recently turned 31 and just kind of want to know a very basic, very simple routine to keep skin healthy. Again, I'm a total novice and read through the guides a bit, but am honestly kind of overwhelmed. Really all I do is body wash / conditioner / shampoo in the shower and use my partner's brand (Redken). Are there just a couple things I can buy that are a high quality and will keep skin looking okay as I begin to age? My skin is pretty sensitive and can run on the dry side if it matters. I kind of just want to keep skin healthy, take care of hands/feet, deal with the tired eyes I have, and try to stay looking a little more youthful.

I find when there's a million things to buy and tons of routines throughout the day, I won't do it. I kind of just want to dip my toes in the water, try a few things and build from there.

I'll start by saying I'm a long-time dog owner. I've had dogs my entire life and care for them deeply. I don't have kids and don't plan to, so this is kind of where my heart is.

My "soul dog" so to speak passed 2 years ago and we rescued a new one. He's incredibly sweet, but we just aren't bonded much. He prefers my girlfriend, and it makes me feel lousy. I know this comes across as petty and the dog doesn't understand the concept of money - but I provide everything for him. Vet, grooming, bowls, food, preventative medications, emergency ER trips. And I've just never had a dog who kind of didn't reciprocate love.

I think he likes me in his own way. But we have a weird relationship. It's not really hard to put 2 and 2 together. I work 60-70 hours a week (WFH). My partner works 30. So she does the walks and a lot of the play. I'm pretty burnt out and join on walks when I can, but I sort of feel like a financial backer and that's it. He doesn't really cuddle with me like he does with her, when I'm working at home, he's often in the other room. He's not really clingy as a dog, but he is always excited when my girlfriend comes home. He's always excited to eat food when she prepares it. When he runs to get a toy he always chooses her.

I'm kind of just venting because...I get it. They do the fun stuff together, while I completely burn out at work supporting them both. There was one other incident as well. For a couple of weeks, our dog would not eat. He wasn't sick, but he refused. So I did yell, which he is sensitive to. Not even at him. I just approached him with food, he kept turning his head, and I yelled "F#CK" in my bedroom because he was losing weight and nothing I put in the food would entice him. He caught a bad vibe. I get it. But I was scared and anxious and our vet wasn't working with me on it. So now he won't even eat when it's just us two at home, he waits for her and she can be gone all night.

Once again, I'm not dense to the fact that I lost my cool one time and only out of love for this dog. And I get I'm not super present. It just all kind of stings because I work so tirelessly and know he'll never recognize that. I'm just trying to see if maybe there's something I can do to enhance our relationship. He's not totally averse to me. He's excited to see me when I get home from work trips, but I'm almost always home. He doesn't avoid me, but sometimes I do get the vibe he doesn't want to interact. I can't really change my schedule a whole lot, but if I can make it better even in small ways, I'd try it.

I know sometimes this sub can come down on dog owners and I'm sure I deserve criticism for not being super present and for getting visibly frustrated one time. I'm just sad. He won't take meals from me, I know I'm just the secondary person in his life, and as much as I love him, I just wish we were closer. I've just never run into this, I've always been so close with my dogs. It's new to me, I guess.

Sorry in advance for the book....I'm in my early 30s and (I guess!) am a male. Something that's been keeping me up over the last few months is my identity and trying to come to grips with it.

I present myself in a way that most would assume I'm straight. I dress plain and am okay with it. I deal with some body dysmorphia, which is a whole separate issue and limits what I wear. But overall, nothing I'm looking to explore or change too much. But I am often jealous of clothing options women have.

As a whole, I have zero interest in men. I can talk to them, but it's draining. Straight, gay, etc., it doesn't matter. I feel like I'm putting up a facade and saying what a man "should" say. I grew up with a father who was very toxic. If I ever wanted to do anything he deemed as "gay," he'd let me know it. Spoiler, it was everything. It'd be as simple as playing a video game where a woman is the lead. As a result, I became really insecure in my interests. It's hard for me to branch out and explore things that are not "manly."

I honestly just hate the concept of masculinity. It feels like a noose, it makes me feel trapped. It's also never resonated with me. I've never wanted to "be a man," nor do I identify at all with men today. I present as one and I have some interests that are "traditionally" masculine, but I just want to be myself. I've never been "one of the boys" or ever aspired to be. Usually men just kind of have always given me an ick. When I'm grouped in with men, I usually feel visceral disgust.

I don't think I'm a woman. But if I had to choose between the two, I'd choose to be a woman no question. Especially in the summer - I envy what they can wear. As someone who presents as a male, I feel like I don't go into spaces that are traditionally female because I'm invading a safe space. I love yoga, I've always wanted to do pilates, get a pedicure, but if you're a man who does those things, you're "gay." It's 100 degrees out and all I want to do is buy some more flowy/lighter clothes and Birkenstocks or something, but all I ever read online is how men shouldn't wear those things or do those things.

The more I separate from masculinity, the more free I feel. I've started therapy lately and just put he/they as pronouns instead of he/him and feel relief. I don't inherently mind being referred to as "he" because I have my whole life and it just is what it is, but I kind of prefer just being "they" when I sit with it...but I don't even fully know what it means. When I remove myself from masculinity, I feel the suffocation loosen. It's just hard to break from it because I'm afraid of judgement from others. If I could just be a woman tomorrow, I would. If I could just not be a man tomorrow, I would.

If it matters, sexually, I am only attracted to feminine-presenting people. Cis women, trans women, femme non-binary people. I don't know if that makes a difference. I know sexuality and gender are different, but I'm still confused on my label.

I'm just confused. I don't know if I'm a man who just hates men and that's it, or if I'm just something different. I would rather be nothing. Maybe I'm trans and don't want to accept that? Maybe I'm NB? I don't know. It's tearing me apart because I can't find the label or category where I fit. I dress male, I don't feel overly feminine or masculine, but I do often envy women. I haven't communicated much of this to my partner and don't have a social circle at all, and my family is very traditional.

I wish there was just a way I could be told yes/no what I am, but it's more complicated than that obviously. As a man, I feel so much pressure. I don't feel free. If I'm just....me, I guess, no societal pressures, I'd be more inclined to dress differently and pursue different interests. I'd dress different, go to different things, feel more comfortable in my interests. I don't know. It's a Saturday afternoon and I'm stressed out of my mind.