u/Massive_Juice_9083

guys I'm really fucking tired.

I realized that in order to study for some reason - I have go to cafes. The same with journaling and creative work, for some reason my brain likes working around others. I'm in a new city and dont have family or friends around me.

the thing is the sounds in the cafe sends me into a deep spiral. I wear 35 db ear plugs and somehow it still feels like the world is speaking at volume 200!

I laughed when I tried the popular Sony ANC headphones because everything was still so loud. Now I'm thinking to pull out the big guns and use ear muffs + ear plugs + white noise?

This just seems like a project.

Edit: Hi guys so I know software Engineering and computer Engineering arent the same. In my university - they literally said in intro that we are going to follow electronic/electrical engineering classes and software engineering (I looked at the curriculum- it’s literally the same classes mixed together. In my country the computer engineering degree is literally translated to “Software and electronics” - engineering (before switching name to CE.)

The reason why i used the software engineering example was because I had CS classes first! Again we follow around 40-50% of software engineering courses!

—

First of all, I want to say that I’m extremely new to tech! I’m more of a history, psychology person, but I felt bored as I know a lot and wanted to challenge myself, so I decided to challenge myself and enroll in a technical university in Northern Europe at 23. It's probably important to say it's a Bachelor of Science.

I do have autism/ADHD (and anxiety/OCD), which essentially means my brain is wired completely differently, and I look at things very critically and objectively and even analyze things maybe way too much. Yes, I’m the stereotypical “perfectionist” OCD type of autistic person (and yes, it is hell).

Anyways, the more objectively I look at my degree plan for Computer Engineering the more nonsensical it seems. Especially for someone who has never written code, has to get used to stuff like VS Code, and all of that.

None of the courses feel naturally well connected at all. I don’t understand how it is possible to study about 4-6 different tracks of different tech/stem fields at the same time. My first semester I’m supposed to both learn the software track, which just randomly ends after the first semester. It only introduces you to basic problem solving programming. Then it just stops there. Also, there is too much ambiguity in the course names and the objectives. I have to ask someone in the 4th semester in a software class, "DO YOU LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT BACKEND?" and they said no. Mind you, I barely know anything myself. They didn't even tell us what a documentation site is, or anything like that. Also, it was super weird that we were studying two languages at the same time. It doesn't touch on how to build applications, how backend works, or real life applications. This makes no sense.

And then my hardware track in the same semester. We were just not even the slightest introduced to the basics of it. Just expected to know logic and all of the basic principles?. Then there are a lot of heavy math courses, which really, in my opinion, cannot be studied in 4 months on top of that, and heavy theoretical courses such as algorithms with no final "real life" projects. And let’s not forget the general courses such as physics and chemistry popping up in random places stressing you out.

My biggest criticism is how it touches on some very important, interesting, but complex topics but keeps them vague and only for one semester, with no final project to actually build something valuable, or there is one, but it is so rushed you barely even actually learn something. When I look at the importance, there are a lot of fundamental, important things, insights, and skills that shouldn't be rushed, especially as a new learner in tech. All of the interesting stuff or the basic stuff I feel like I should learn -I had to dig deep and literally search for it. Mind you, this takes time because there is a huge range of terminology and functions across the broad spectrum of computer engineering.

Sometimes the classes have no parallel correlation sometimes, and sometimes one class is needed to understand the next, but it's introduced later or were introduced to early?

There is one conclusion I came to, which is that in order to actually get something valuable out of my degree, I heavily have to do A LOT of self studying and project organizing because of either the lack of it or the rush of it (I don't understand anything because it goes by too fast). There is no practical, realistic project - I have to create them myself, which also takes time. I literally had to create a fake project to get through my first programming class because there was none.

I don’t know. I’m terribly confused as a very neurodivergent person about how this is actually possible to learn.

I’m actually really interested in the world of electronics, but the way my university introduces and teaches the subjects seems beyond miserable.

edit: guys i know software Engineering and computer Engineering arent the dsme i just used the example from my cs focused class.

Is anyone else university like this??? I don't understand. Ours seems like a mix between math, hardware, software, electrical engineering and then a bunch of stem courses: physics, chem, biology. At 5th and 6th semester is super random with AI and electives ....

last edit:

Thank you so much for your responses. I’m reading all of them!

After sleeping on it, I realized that if I could choose a new major, I probably would’ve picked something more specific and less broad so I could really specialize. A huge part of any technical engineering degree is math, so something that would’ve been “easier” for my brain might’ve been mathematical engineering, since I’d be building on my math skills within engineering. Or maybe even pure math at another university.

I can also imagine I would’ve run into the same problem in other degrees like software engineering or biomedical engineering. Anyway, I was a bit ignorant about how technical degrees actually work.

Thank you all for the comments!

Your mind isn’t even you. You are outside of it. It’s happening to you. Life is like a movie playing in front of your eyes. Tricking you to think it’s real but it’s not. You are alone. It’s just you, your mind and your conscious. interpreting, projecting and collecting memories.

Literally, I’m done shaming myself and molding myself for others. I don’t feel lonely, Yes I wish there were max 50 people in my entire city, I can spend days without talking and I’m genuinely happy! The social interaction through work is more than enough.

Today I saw my coworker at a bus stop and I literally just went “nope” and avoided that by turning around. Usually I would judge myself on my behavior but today I felt proud for sticking to what I want. I don’t want to awkwardly small talk for 5 mins and sit in the same bus when I planned to wear my headphones and vibe.

I grocery shop early in the morning or go shopping as early as possible, and I fucking love the ambience of it.

my parents HATED my behavior and called me weird all my life but I just don’t have the need for others. I’m not saying I’m better and saying that’s who I am.

I’m on my no talking for 3 day break 😆

Man I wish I was the bubbly hardworking autistic women… I’m the I don’t want to speak for 3 days straight while I wear my noise canceling headphones 24/7 type woman. I need my rest and sleep too. In the past I was able to fake conversation but lately I’m over it lol. I don’t know why I just stop masking and I never went back to it. I think bc of years of people pleasing and trying to fit in… but I gained nothing from that.

Don’t bother me with none sense. Lately people talking and conversation has been pissing me off. Especially when it’s a whole lot of none sense small talk. I hate it at work when someone takes years to get to the point like just tell me do xyz to fix the problem instead of talking about the problem.

I’m not an interesting person, I keep to myself most time, I have my special interest and ADHD brain to entertain me but I know most people find me boring asf bc I don’t have relationships drama or keep up with trends or news lol.

Anyways I feel more free and like myself. How I was as a kid. But i swear the world is not build for montone low empath unbothered autistic women

One thing about me is that if I make a mistake or I’m untidy, messy, or sloppy about something, I 100% own up to it, even before it’s acknowledged. I’m so aware of my own flaws that I don’t feel threatened when someone calls me out. But what I don’t have respect for is people who are sloppy but will never own up to it. Or even worse, people who pretend they’re perfect or “hard working.” I hate it when people feel threatened when you point out their mistakes. Like, do you want to stay unaware?

hi girlies okay let me get straight into it. I’m thinking about my future so there is no future husband in the moment I’m 25 and I moved and finally escaped my abusive and emotionally neglected family. There was a lot of trauma growing up with physical abuse that even today has led me with a lot marks such as severe anxiety and trust issue.
good part is that I finally escapes. I want to emphasize my parents do not care for me and never have! They didn’t even bother helping me moving, furniture, help with paying nothing! The simply aren’t what parents should be.

To my knowledge I always thought you needed your father in the nikkah process. I have gone zero contact with my family. it was hard but my heart is finally healing and my depression and anxiety has reduced. It’s to painful being in contact with them. Now im wondering if any Muslim man would even bother marrying me. I’m compeltely on my own. I’m incouraged to finish my degree and start working asap but ofc the thought of marriage and kids pop up. Ofc everything is qadr but I still want to know what to do if he - my future husband shows up.

I feel like it’s a major red flag to be a woman who doesnt have contact with her family and I’m terrible scared of the judgement. further more I never want to contact my father again! I’m too hurt and resentful about everything and staying away is the best way to keep me sane and not fall into negativity!

What does a woman do in such situation? Anyone been through the same?

I'm not looking for a debate about Islam or whether I'm sinful. I'm looking for other Muslim women who have experienced these feelings Please, no judgment. I barely have any Muslim friends in real life because of personal issues, and I want to talk about something serious.

The older I get, the more concerned I become. I also find myself building resentment towards my religion and my relationship with Allah. Please do not comment, "Everything is in Allah's timing." I know people mean well, but it does not help me right now. Why is nobody talking about sex, lack of intimacy, and the struggle with dating, and how it affects your mental health, especially as a Muslim woman? I'm convinced 99% of my issue is because of lack of emotional and physical intimacy, please hear me out.

Unfortunately, I was born into parents who did not care about me. There was a lot of physical abuse and emotional neglect. I was the middle child out of four siblings, and my parents never made sure I felt safe or helped me build friendships. They divorced when I was around 12 years old. This left me with anxiety, social anxiety, and other mental instabilities.

I am no longer in contact with them because the relationship was too painful. I moved out two years ago and now have my own place. For the first time in my life, I actually feel at peace with myself. The only thing missing is closeness with another human being.

I would describe myself as someone who naturally has a lot of modesty despite struggling with my relationship with Allah. It is not something I am trying to brag about. I also struggle with severe social anxiety. One positive is that I have never felt the need to show off my looks or seek attention on social media. When I was 16, people even told me I should model. I am 5'9", and I have been told I am attractive. My parents said they would disown me if I modeled anyway, but honestly my anxiety would never have allowed me to do it.

There is something I am deeply embarrassed about, and that is that I have never dated. The younger girls at my old job even indirectly bullied me because of it. One girl was only 17 and had already started dating while wearing hijab. She met him through family. The reason why I mention my height and attractiveness is because all of them couldnt believe I've never been on a date. Some woman said: "You have never even hold a man hand" mockinly to me and laughing. I acted like I didn't care but honestly it hurt a lot.

I grew up in a small city, went to a very small high school, and no respectful man has ever approached me. A lot people were participating in hook up culture but that never seem interesting to me. I have also been through several university degrees (never graduated but thats another story) because I changed courses a few times, and still nobody approached me there either. It has led me to believe that either men simply do not approach women anymore, or my social anxiety makes me seem unapproachable. I spend most of my time at home unless I am at work or school.

I also went through a bit of a crisis and took my hijab on and off between the ages of 16 and 25 because I felt even more invisible. I did get a little more attention without it, but my social anxiety was still there, so nothing ever happened. I'm 25 currently.

Looking back now, I truly see the value of the hijab. I am still in a strange place where I am trying to figure out whether to wear it again. I appreciate it, maybe more philosophically than religiously right now. However, the biggest struggle for me is dating and that's why i feel like I cant commit to the hijab. Because of my social anxiety, I cannot rely on meeting sisters and hoping they introduce me to someone's brother or friend. I also have no friends, so that is not an option. I have finally accepted that online dating apps are probably my only option.

I would never feel comfortable using Hinge while wearing hijab, but what are you supposed to do when you do not have a father or family who will help you find someone? You have to take some action yourself. At the same time, I am terrified of using apps like Muzz or Salams in meeting relative etc. Also the whole stigma and that you should hide your profile as a woman seems stupid to me.

The truth is that all this emotional neglect has taken a huge toll on me. Since I turned 22, I have felt the pressure getting worse every year, and I feel like nobody understands.

I know some of my brain fog comes from constantly repressing my feelings. I want intimacy. I want sex. I want to feel loved and desired. I feel like nobody talks about this from a woman's perspective, and I have no Muslim sisters I can be open with about it.

I have no friends, no support system, and I am trying to navigate life alone in a new city while dealing with social anxiety. I want to move forward with my life, and having a relationship is a normal part of adulthood that I have never experienced. I cannot keep pretending this does not affect me.

Please, sisters, do not tell me to just fast or be patient. I know those are well meaning suggestions, but I have been struggling with this for years. It has affected my studies, my concentration, and my mental health. I feel so behind compared to other sisters who have supportive families or large social circles that helped them meet their future husbands.

Has anyone else experienced this? If so, how did you cope?

Sometimes I feel like the only thing I have going for me is my looks, and even that has not helped me meet anyone because now men are terrified in approaching women + my anxiety.

I am just so tired of waiting when nothing seems to be happening. Everywhere online people say dating has changed. Everything is on apps now, or you have to be extremely social. I feel so conflicted.

Please do not shame me. I am just a woman with no support system trying to figure everything out.

I’m literally 25, but the thought of ever putting myself out there gives me a panic attack. First, there is the vulnerability aspect, and second, I genuinely feel like nobody taught me anything. Too scared and too emotionally "cold" to do it. At the same time I feel like I'm waiting for something that's not going to happen.

My parents never said "I love you" to me or showed me physical affection. I was always overlooked and never really seen. This is something I’ve been thinking about more and more as I’ve reached my mid twenties. Everyone else seems to have started relationships or at least begun putting themselves out there pretty early.

For example, one of my friends lost her virginity at 18, which is considered late here in Europe. The guy turned out to have used her, and although she was hurt, she was able to move on. About two months later, she met her now boyfriend, who she has been with ever since, and I’m sure they’ll get engaged.

Meanwhile, I’m over here freaking out that I’m going to get hurt before I’ve even tried. The thought of both emotional intimacy and physical intimacy scares me, even though it’s something I want. I’m starting to believe that I literally won’t ever feel ready.

I think what scares me the most is that I never had a healthy example of love or emotional closeness growing up.

Anyone else with emotional neglect feel this way?

I’m completely lost on what to do. I need to hear about someone else experience because nobody irl is struggling the way I am.
My story: 5 years, no degree, only a handful of classes finished across different degrees, and I’m fighting for my life. I’m starting to think maybe I’m not built for university????

Started med school -> stopped -> started one engineering degree -> stopped -> switched to another engineering degree.

And now I’m struggling to finish ONE fucking course in my engineering degree.

I was able to write down everything I’ve struggled with all these years, and it seems like NOBODY in real life has these same struggles as me. I don’t get it:

* University moves too fast, and it triggers my anxiety so badly that even just being on campus makes me dizzy and overwhelmed.

* The classes that you take (which are 4 classes or SEMESTER) are such broad subjects that you have no way of actually learning. This triggers my autism and OCD A LOT. I once finished a class and didn’t even feel like I had studied or learned the topics, and it sent me into a spiral.

* The assignments and being bombarded with deadlines trigger my anxiety. Even when I start in good time, because I don’t understand the topic well enough, I fucking struggle.

* The really crowded spaces trigger both my anxiety and my autism and ADHD. I get so overwhelmed by all the people and taking general courses where there are 200+ students.

The different platforms and layouts. I fucking hate how all the professors do everything differently. Some have their own website, and some use our university platform. LIKE WHY CAN’T THEY ALL JUST CHOOSE ONE??? Every semester is a battle finding out where material is.

The requirement of staying organized while being thrown so many documents is insane.

The social atmosphere and the FOMO you get from being around everyone and not being able to experience what they are doing because you’re overwhelmed, tired, and not able to connect as fast.

I can’t see how all of this is healthy for the nervous system for 4+ years. In my case, I took breaks in between my switches, but I just wanted to ask if anyone with anxiety or ADHD might be able to relate. THINGS GO BY WAY TOO FAST???

And then there are the courses that are non-related.

All of this is coming from someone who graduated from a small high school in Europe with the highest GPA.

Has anyone experienced this? I’m in limbo hell with university. I have only finished one engineering class, and I still have to take so many advanced math classes while my peers are already onto the software/hardware part..

Wtf I’m just so confused on how everyone just finishes a degree. It’s a puzzle and a battle for me.

Started med school -> stopped -> started one engineering degree -> stopped -> switched to another engineering degree.

I was able to write down everything I’ve struggled with over the years, and it seems like NOBODY in real life has these same struggles as me. I don’t get it.

• University moves too fast, and it triggers my anxiety so badly that even just being on campus makes me dizzy and overwhelmed.

• The classes that you take (which are 4 classes) are such broad subjects that you have no way of actually learning. This triggers my autism and OCD A LOT. I once finished a class and didn’t even feel like I had studied or learned the topics, and it sent me into a spiral.

• The assignments and being bombarded with deadlines trigger my anxiety. Even when I start in good time, because I don’t understand the topic well enough, I fucking struggle.

• The really crowded spaces trigger both my anxiety and my autism and ADHD. I get so overwhelmed by all the people and taking general courses where there are 200+ students.

• The different platforms and layouts. I fucking hate how all the professors do everything differently. Some have their own website, and some use our university platform. LIKE WHY CAN’T THEY ALL JUST CHOOSE ONE???

• The requirement of staying organized while being thrown so many documents is insane.

• The social atmosphere and the FOMO you get from being around everyone and not being able to experience what they are doing because you’re overwhelmed, tired, and not able to connect as fast.

• THINGS GO BY WAY TOO FAST??? And then there are the courses that are non-related.

I can’t see how all of this is healthy for the nervous system for 4+ years. In my case, I took breaks in between switching degrees, but I just wanted to ask if anyone with anxiety, ADHD, OCD, or autism can relate.

All of this is coming from someone who graduated from a small high school in Europe with the highest GPA.

Has anyone experienced this? I’m stuck in limbo hell, and it seems like everyone just manages but I don’t. It’s like after first semester it clicks for other people and that never happens to me?

im struggling finishing the basic math courses to my engineering degree while everyone is already of to working with the software or hardware side of my engineering degree. I’m fucking lost at like… what to do.

I was able to write down everything I’ve struggled with over the years, and it seems like NOBODY in real life has these same struggles as me. I don’t get it.

• University moves too fast, and it triggers my anxiety so badly that even just being on campus makes me dizzy and overwhelmed.

• The classes that you take (which are 4 classes pr sem) are such broad subjects that you have no way of actually learning. This triggers my autism and OCD A LOT. I once finished a class and didn’t even feel like I had studied or learned the topics, and it sent me into a spiral.

• The assignments and being bombarded with deadlines trigger my anxiety. Even when I start in good time, because I don’t understand the topic well enough, I fucking struggle.

• The really crowded spaces trigger both my anxiety and my autism and ADHD. I get so overwhelmed by all the people and taking general courses where there are 200+ students.

• The different platforms and layouts. I fucking hate how all the professors do everything differently. Some have their own website, and some use our university platform. LIKE WHY CAN’T THEY ALL JUST CHOOSE ONE???

• The requirement of staying organized while being thrown so many documents is insane.

• The social atmosphere and the FOMO you get from being around everyone and not being able to experience what they are doing because you’re overwhelmed, tired, and not able to connect as fast.

• THINGS GO BY WAY TOO FAST??? And then there are the courses that are non-related.

I can’t see how all of this is healthy for the nervous system for 4+ years. In my case, I took breaks in between switching degrees, but I just wanted to ask if anyone with anxiety, ADHD, OCD, or autism can relate.

All of this is coming from someone who graduated from a small high school in Europe with the highest GPA.

Has anyone experienced this?

So it seems my family have no respect in ”I don’t want to ever talk to you again”.
Both keep showing up where I live and today at my part time job (mom, siblings) 😆

So now I’m thinking to actually go down to the police station and file a report so I can get help when they keep showing up unannounced. Also even sending them proof that I’m serious because they think I’m “all talk“….

I can‘t believe the lack of respect and boundaries, the immature behavior. who just shows up at someones place and work knwoing they are blocked and don’t want to be in contact.

Yes I’ve been very clear since LAST year about my intention and action and I never said I wanted to talk! I explicitly said ” I don’t want to ever see you or speak to you again.”

I wanna hear what y’all are doing because I feel like I’m losing touch with my age group lol.

My story: I’m from 2001. I entered med school too early at 20, realized it wasn’t for me, completely crashed out, switched majors, found out I have ADHD, and now I have no idea what I’m gonna do career-wise. 😭 So no real job, I feel like my twenties have just been one long plot twist. No partner, no kids lmao.

I swear it feels like my own age group just… isn’t in real life anymore. I just don’t encounter y’all anymore.

Ever since I moved in 2023, everyone I meet is either born in 1999, 2003, or 2005. I genuinely haven’t met a single person born in 2000 IN 3 YEARS???? Even at work! The last time I regularly met people born in 2000 or 2001 was in high school and med school (around 2020-2021).

I’m genuinely curious what y’all are up to. Are you getting into relationships, marrying? Are you starting a new job. How old are your friends? i keep friending the older gen like 1998 or too young like 2004. its like what? WHERE MY OWN AGE AT ??

Even in my group therapy, the youngest person besides me is 27.

edit: if one more person says they have a kid I’m going to cry lmaooo

I’m fucking furious right now, so please let me just get all of this rage out.

My parents are the biggest clowns ever. Not only did they emotionally neglect all four of their children, but they also physically abuse us from time to time. At age 25, I’m finally realizing that a huge reason for all of my depression and anxiety is because I’ve been comparing myself to people who have a healthy bond with their parents. Unlike me, who grew up with the most unloving useless parents, and then they expected so much from me. Always made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

Ugh. I’m disgusted now that I’m a full adult by the lack of concern, the lack of compassion, and the lack of care. How the fuck do you have four children and not care about them?

I luckily moved out at 22, almost 23, and that’s when the real world began. That’s when I realized how behind I was but also why I was so behind. My parents didn’t teach me to do shit. All they wanted was good grades and for me to get into medical school. Well, don’t they know that if you don’t have good mental health, you’re bound to fail?

When I moved out, I did the entire thing myself. Nothing was set up. I signed everything, paid for everything, got all my furniture myself. Nothing. Dust.

I’m now 25, and for all these years I couldn’t understand why everyone was so much better than me. How were they so sure of themselves. So goal oriented or kind. They were succeeding in social life and school, emotionally stable, and here I was with my mental health hanging on by a thread, and my entire personality was reduced school.

Nobody told me you need to have a hobby. Nobody taught me responsibility or skills. And if I see one more fucking quote about forgiving someone because it’s their first time living life….. 😳, if they are older than you, have been through what you’ve been through, and still don’t help, then fuck them, honestly.

God, I hate my parents. I really do.

I cut all contact with my family in May, and I haven’t been more relief. even though yea it can be lonely. At least no I can break the pattern. It took a while. It was a slow burn. After all the chaos, I’m finally free. And I see all the mistakes and all the fuck ups in the past and it’s because I never had any form of guidance. Safety, love.

I basically have the skills of a 15-year-old, but at least I’m not comparing myself to others anymore. While they had loving, supportive parents making sure they felt loved and safe, I didn’t.

Now I’m onto a new chapter where I have to build everything from scratch, grow, learn, and not be a bitter motherfucker anymore.

Please, if anyone has the money and the possibility of moving away from their family, do it as fast as possible. I’m fucking angry at myself for not moving out at 18 when I could have. I should’ve run and never looked back. Also, couple it with therapy, because if you don’t, you’re going to repeat similar patterns.

Slow down and find your own way. I wish there was an alternative world for everyone who wants to start over in their own pace. Society is moving faster than ever. Covid didn’t help on the situation at all For anyone growing into their adulthood. Now I know understand how important it is to feel stable, safe and secure. To have a vision for yourself and to be somewhat in the process of finding yourself.

If you currently feel like you have no life and no true passion, it’s because you never felt safe enough to explore, you never had support when you had doubts or struggle.or you never had the tools or the money to do so. If you have those things now, then now is the time to begin.

Okay, I need to relax.

I think I just needed to get all of that out.

Picture this: you're out with friends and a woman comes up to you and says,

"Hey, I think you're cute. If you're single, I wanted to hear if I could get your contact somehow."

Tell me honestly, what goes on in your head? What would you respond?

I'm genuinely curious. I grew up pretty conservative, and I had a lot of influence tell me it was stupid for a woman to ask a man out first or show interest because it's a man's job.

Edit: How would you react if it was a woman who not your type did this*

I’m new to Jung and i mostly listened to Marie-Louise about the animus and the shadow.

For context I’m 25 woman and randomly was just going on my silly ”I don’t know what is going on in my life walk” and I found an open playground surrounded by nature. First I sat by the benches but then I saw kids going on this swing ride (where you hop on it and then it swings you in the air for like 30-50 meters. ). when they left I said fuck it and decide to try it.

now I’m obsessed and on my way there after work on a fine summer day 😭

I know this is weird but I’ve never felt more powerful or joyful doing that. 1) it’s silly 2) I get enlightened while this about childhood memories 3) easy straight to the point I don’t have to make a decision, its free, I know where it is and I don’t have to think.

Now I want to ask if it’s weird that I feel powerful doing this. And I wanted to hear if any of you have like things like this. I recently also listen to a video from Marie and she said Carl Jung use to do this thing that was super silly for hours outside (I can’t remember specially). I also can’t make a mistake. It’s the most freeing thing.

I love writing and active imagination, sometimes doing something super ridiculous just does something to my brain. And I learn aomething every time!

A small part of me is like what are you doing ma’am you an adult 😅😅 but I walk away without fail with the biggest grin on myself and literally laugh about the whole thing. 10/10 would recommend.

I feel suddenly enlightened and had a realization. I think it’s related to my animus. I don’t know what it is inside of me. One clear word came up: "masculine intuition".

No more impressive career paths, emotional detachment, calculating every step, feelings of being over powerful. Borderline narcissistic. I’m a woman.

I have no idea what that looks like in real life. I’m not into delusional choices as well. There’s a few times my own intuition comes up and I listen to it, but only when it’s super strong. Also it’s not always connected to a decision making or action based. It’s just there. A feeling. A hint.

But as I said sadly a rarely convert this to action or decision making. it’s quit passive for me. But I often don’t trust this fully or let myself embrace.

Is there a difference between how a man express or experience his intuition and how a woman would?

Men who are more intuitive, how do you experience your intuition. Your thinking, and what makes you feel good? What actions do you gravitate towards. How do you navigate in a world who wants you to behave more stereotypically “masculine” and not intuitively? I’m also curious to know how do finish projects, creative work and stick to your promises? Do you feel successful within yourself? Or do you deep inside resent yourself?

Today's shadow work session led me to a realization. I've been taking things slow because I'm scared of what's inside Pandora's box, aka my shadow. I kept digging at questions about connection and eventually realized that my shadow wasn't the enemy at all.

For the longest time I thought the problem was vulnerability because every time I opened up to someone I would eventually feel disgusted, overwhelmed, regretful, and want to pull away. But now I think those reactions were never the problem. They arrived after I had been vulnerable and were actually defense mechanisms trying to protect me.

The belief underneath all of it seems to be: "I don't believe I can be fully seen. I will always be reduced."

This is something I've experienced again and again growing up as a middle child in an emotionally neglectful family. My parents had a fixed image of me. My siblings had a fixed image of me. Even when I proved them wrong multiple times, nothing changed. I was still the silly younger sibling with all kinds of assumptions attached to me.

I think that's where I learned that people don't see you for who you are, they see what they want to see.

Because of that, I became extremely careful. Never overdressed or underdressed. I spoke when spoken to. If I was around extroverts, I spoke more. I remember writing in my diary when I was 15 that my goal was to seamlessly blend in and never be seen. Being neutral was something I strived for and idealize. Because then people couldn't say "Oh she's religious" or "Oh she is stubborn".

I got really good at figuring out how people saw me. A lot of the time I would feel sad about it, but instead of correcting them or creating friction I would just become that version of myself and keep the real me hidden. If someone saw me a certain way, I would adapt to it even if it wasn't true.

Looking back, I think that's created so much tension inside me. Not keeping promises to myself. Losing myself in other people's perceptions of me. Constantly adapting. Feeling disconnected from who I actually am.

The biggest realization today was that maybe my shadow isn't trying to destroy me. Maybe it's trying to protect me from things I've always been terrified of. Being misunderstood. Being pitied. Being trapped in someone else's perception of me. Being vulnerable and not cared for. Being reduced to one story.

Maybe that's why I react so strongly after emotional intimacy. Not because connection is bad, but because somewhere deep down I still believe that once people see one part of me, that's all they'll ever see.

I'm trying to challenge this thought, but over and over again it seems to happen, and I don't know what to do. People keep seeing me in only one way, and it makes me uncomfortable. It feels like I can't continue to grow, change, or voice my opinions because now I'm trapped in their perception of me. I decided to take the solitude route, and I found that the pressure was gone. I could be childish, emotional, happy, responsible, and everything in between all within myself. But as soon as other people are involved, that's when the trouble starts. As soon as I sense that someone only sees one version of me, I start to feel trapped, suffocated, unstable, and disgusted.

I had the weirdest dream. It was in parts since I woke up and then slept again.

The first part took place in a huge bathroom, the kind you see in schools. Every door was brown and for some reason I was on a tour. I don’t know what we were touring, but it felt normal in the dream.

At some point I saw a really small dog with its owner inside the bathroom. The dog looked anxious and nervous, and I remember making a joke about how it looked like it had ADHD. For some reason this made sense because I think we were at some kind of ADHD facility?

Then this is next part and gets weird:

Now I was with my colleagues from my part-time job. We were all sitting in a white room filled with chairs, like we were having a meeting. But for some reason we were also doing charity work or giving away clothes.

I don’t know why, but I somehow took off my bra without taking off my sweater. The bra was light yellow. I remember admiring it because it was so pretty. One of my male colleagues noticed and said, “Wow.”

Immediately I started wondering what he meant by that. Was he saying wow because of the size of my bra? Or was he saying wow because he suddenly realized I’m actually a woman?

Then I ran into Adam (let’s just call him that), who I apparently hadn’t seen in months. I remember being genuinely excited to see him. Adam is 22. I’m 25 for reference.

“Hi Adam, it’s been so long. Over 2 months.” I remember I said it in a slightly flirty way.

Because he looked different. He had grown a mustache and looked older and more attractive than before. More mature somehow. Then he told me that he was basically a full-time entrepreneur now. He was ready to become a provider?

Then he mentioned that his girlfriend was coming and I was really curious to see her.

Eventually there was a knock on the door and someone asked for Adam. A girl walked in and to my shock she looked about thirteen years old. This was disturbing.

I remember staring at her because something immediately felt weird.

She was beautiful though. Very soft-spoken. She had the smoothest blond hair I had ever seen. She came in with another girl and sat down.

Then suddenly beside me another little girl (also 12-13) appeared next to me and said something like:

“Isn’t this a little weird? Let’s find out more about her.” And I was like, yes, exactly.

The little girl went over to Adams girlfriend and asked her for a tampon. She really did needed the tampon as she was on her period. Then she came back.

I asked if she found anything out.

She said no. “She is nice though and really pretty”

Apparently the tampon investigation didn’t work.

Then there was a change of scenery:

Now I was outside in nature near a swing set. There was a strange black figure standing nearby.

At first it looked like a monkey standing upright. It had a human-shaped body but no face. Just this dark figure standing there.

Someone told me: “Oh, don’t worry. It’s just an animal.”

Everyone seemed completely relaxed about it. But I kept looking at it.

The longer I looked, the more I realized it wasn’t an animal at all.

It was a man pretending to be an animal.

Then I noticed that he was following the little girl who had helped me investigate Adam’s girlfriend.

The girl was walking toward the city and the monkey-man was following behind her. I decided to follow them.

As we got into the city things became creepier.

The girl and another little girl eventually entered a shop. Think like Sephora.

The layout of the shop was strange. You entered through the front and exited through a back door. Like a long rectangular shop. The checkout was all the way at the end.

I went inside briefly and immediately hated the vibe.

The place was completely dark. There was barely any electricity. Right near the entrance stood an older woman who was just standing there doing nothing.

The two girls casually walked inside. I got uncomfortable and left. Instead of going in, I stood outside and watched from a distance.

Then I saw the animal monkey-man enter the shop.

He greeted the older woman and gave her money. Thats when I realized this was some kind of setup.

I remember thinking:

“Oh my God. They’re probably not going to open the door at the end. He’s going to trap them in there.”

I got really nervous.

But instead of interfering, I just kept watching.

Then, to my complete shock, the girls came out.

Nothing had happened.

They had shopping bags. But at the same time they did seem a little unsettled but nothing shocking like crying or anxious.

The monkey-man came out too, carrying his own shopping bags. But he was still following them.

Eventually one of the girls realized he was following them.

I can’t remember exactly what happened next because this part gets blurry.

I think he chased them for long enough and somehow The monkey-man ended up flat on his stomach on the ground In the middle of the street.

Everything he had bought was scattered everywhere.

And then the weirdest thing happened. The girl wasn’t scared at all.

Instead, she seemed completely confident? It’s hard to explain. Suddenly she was wearing a beautiful dress and she was surrounded by a crowd of people.

It wasn’t like she was hiding anymore.

She was getting attention and admiration from everyone around her.

And instead of shrinking away from it, she seemed to own it.

Like she wasn’t afraid of being seen.

I remember thinking that she knew she was beautiful and wasn’t scared of the attention.

Meanwhile the monkey-man was still lying in the background on the ground looking a mess.

The crowd was focused on her.

And that was the end of the dream.

The ending is what confused me in the dream and outside of the dream. I have this girl who I thought would be scared after something like that happened to her, and instead she is flaunting herself, her beauty, and it is admired. It didn’t make sense.

I remember in the dream as an observer being so confused. I kept thinking she should be scared, but she wasn’t. Instead she seemed completely comfortable being seen and receiving attention.

I remember being so confused, and then it just ended.