u/Moist_KoRn_Bizkit

I want to work more on doing my part to help heal Mother Earth. I am forever grateful for the life, food, and water that the great goddess has given me/us living creatures. I am trying to be a bit more conscious about what I do/use, but changing to be completely sustainable is not easy. Because of that, I'm trying to do at least a few things each day that are better for the planet. I'm also trying to find even more things I can do, hence this post.

Some things I currently do are:

• Thrift/buy used whenever I can

• Rinse out all cans so they can be recycled (I recycle whenever I can)

• Keep takeout packaging that can be reused like Tupperware

• Take quick showers and not take a lot of baths

• Don't sit in my car with it running. Turn it off as soon as possible, even if I want to sit in my car for a bit

If I had public transport that was at least semi-decent, I'd use it. If I could walk to the places I go frequently, I would. I just can't. Also, it gets over 110 °F during the summer where I live. If I could use less AC, I would. I still can't afford to live on my own, so my parents obviously get a say in the temperature. Carpooling to work isn't a good option because I don't know if any of my coworkers live near me. Also, I have to mask at work and have issues with my parents, so my alone time in my car is precious to me and vital to my mental health. If I could live closer to the places I frequent, I would, but I can't right now.

Both the books Drawing Down The Moon by Margot Adler and The Spiral Dance by Starhawk are beloved by many pagans. They're some of the most well known books on pagan topics. If someone says they want to learn about paganism (either interested in possibly practicing a pagan religion or just learning about it from a "what do they do?" lense), Drawing Down The Moon is mostly, if not always, recommended. If someone says they want to read a book relating to earth based paganism, eco activism, and/or feminism in paganism, The Spiral Dance is commonly recommended. Both books seem to still be in print.

So I live in Arizona state, USA, and I want to support local/small businesses. I don't want to order online or buy from stores like Barnes & Noble. I was looking for a copy of DDTM, and eventually bought it online. I'm still looking for a copy of TSD.

Here's where I'm confused. I went to 4 different metaphysical shops in my state. None of them had a copy of either. One store even claimed to be a bookstore (but only about 30% of their stock was books). One store even seemed to be a store run by a family who clearly knows their shit and isn't trying to just make a quick buck from gullible folks. I also called a few other metaphysical shops to ask if they had a copy of TSD. None had it. Sedona Arizona is a town known for lots of new-age, hippy, metaphysical, etc. shops, events, and folks. One place was a spiritual bookstore that seemed to have all sorts of religious books. Even they didn't have it. It didn't even seem like any of these shops had any in stock at one point in time and sold out.

Okay, fine, I'll have to buy a copy of TSD online and I'll just have it shipped to someone else's house so my parents don't see. No problem. But I'm still confused and frustrated. I just want to physically go to a store and buy local.

Does anyone have a thought as to why these shops don't have these books?

I started out going to an episcopal church. My family then switched and we started going to vineyard churches. As a young adult I started going to an episcopal church again. I never liked how the vineyard churches I attended didn't make a big deal about communion. They'd have it, but it was just kind of "go up and get your little cup and wafer if you want while we do this other thing." Communion wasn't as big of a ritual as it is at Episcopal churches. With the Episcopal Church, they have a dedicated time for it. You line up, go to the communion rail, kneel on the cushion, and drink and eat when it's your turn.

I personally loved that it was a whole ritual and how it was seen as very important. With communion you're supposed to feel connected to the Christian god. God is there in that space with you. I never felt that. I always struggled to believe in his existence and I would constantly pray for him to reveal himself to me. Never happened. During communion I'd feel a sense of connection with the other humans in the room. I felt like I belonged. I'd imagine Jesus and the disciples in the upper room sharing the meal and the human connection they were having.

Now that I'm a pagan, I've created my own rituals. One ritual is called the Water Sharing ritual. I worship the Earth and the Sun as deities. One part of the ritual involves leaving a clear jar of water in the sun for a few minutes. Another part later in the ritual involves me taking a sip of that water, then pouring the rest on an area of dying grass outside. When I do this, I actually feel connected with Mother Earth and Father Sun. I feel their presence even more than before I take a sip. I end up feeling what I was supposed to feel back when I'd take communion and be in a church service.

So now I go back to the question in the title. What did you feel during communion? Did you feel a connection with Jesus? Was it just a feeling of camaraderie? Did you find the whole thing boring and you felt nothing? Also, if you did feel something and loved the ritual, do you do anything now to replace it?

My grandparents moved down here when was young. From then on, my sibling and I would come stay with them for a month in the summer each year. I'm originally from Seattle Washington. Just before starting high school my family moved down here.

I've definitely grown and changed during this time in my life (because everyone does during these ages). It's hard to say what all would have been different if I would have stayed in Seattle. My high school experience was great because I got to start fresh. People didn't look at me and think "oh, it's that weird kid that used to…". Since college I've made good friends from various clubs and I currently go to a wonderful UU and where I feel truly at home, loved, and respected. I don't know what I'd do without my community. My friends and groups are everything to me. I don't want to leave them whatsoever! Just being able to text or call isn't the same. I don't like that. I like actually going to a place where I can do a specific thing with others. I really am sick of Arizona, though.

I can't handle the summer heat. I feel like I'm going to collapse and die when I step outside for more than a couple minutes, and it doesn't matter how much water I just drank or if I was just in front of a freezing cold fan. The type of housing here is DREADFUL! All these stupid communities of boring homes that look all the same! They have these HOAs that dictate how you can have your house look (which I hate) and there's not much nature! It's mostly concrete, dead grass or AstroTurf, and a soulless/depressing vibe.

When it's really hot out and I can't go outside, I get DEPRESSED! When there's just vacant lots that are really barren, I don't feel that connected to nature (even though it is nature). I want greenery! Mother Earth and the Sun are obviously trying to teach me to appreciate all forms of nature. They're also trying to teach me that humans should not be forcing nature to be how they want. Humans should adapt to how nature is. This area of arizona isn't meant to have a bunch of grass and trees. I've been learning that I'm just not cut out for Arizona. Honestly, I want to live near the Cedar River Watershed education center (a place in Washington that's about 1 hour and 40 minutes East of Seattle). That place is so special to me.

My other struggle is that I can't afford to move out. I like my job but my pay is horrible. I can't just leave it because it's my first full time job. I need to keep it longer to get some good work history on my resume. I'm stuck living with my parents and that's a whole shitty can of worms I won't go into. Of course other places, like Washington, are expensive to live as well. I'd have trouble finding jobs other places as well. Also, I'm trans and disabled. That hinders me. I currently have to hide and mask at work.

Basically the summary here is that I am not made for Arizona. I hate it here and desperately want to leave. Also, there's things I love about Arizona and I don't want to leave that whatsoever.

When I was little I thought teen/college age boys who skateboarded were so cool. I wanted to be them someday. My mom told me that if I was still interested when I got a little older, she would get me one. When I got older, she asked me if I was still interested. I said I was too scared of falling and getting hurt. I have absolutely no pain tolerance whatsoever and get very scared of getting hurt.

I still think skateboarding (no tricks) looks really fun to do, though. So should I go ahead and learn? What's the fall risk? Also, how does it compare to bikes? I also got too scared to learn how to ride a bike for these same fears.

If I do decide to learn, I'd definitely start with a cheap used board.

Context first. I didn't realize that I am transgender until a not long after high school. I have always had so much dysphoria due to my face. Whenever I look into the mirror I get really confused at the female body staring back at me. It just feels so wrong. At some point in my life I started liking some clothes people view as "for girls" as well as the ones labeled as "for boys". By the time middle school hit, I got really into alternative subcultures, especially emo. I loved expressing myself through clothes and accessories. I could at least see something I liked in the mirror. Look at my clothes, not my face, people! So anyways, now that you have the context, I'll get into the exact situation.

For my digital photography class in high school we had to take a selfie EVERY DAY. First thing when we sit down at our computer was to take a selfie. At the end of the year we had to go into Photoshop and do a collage with our favorite selfies (either taken in class or outside of class). I remember being unhappy with having to take a picture every day. I didn't like doing it at all. I've never really liked pictures of me much at all. Sometimes I want one, but usually I don't. I didn't know what my discomfort was, but I knew it was there.

I still have the print out of my collage because I am impressed with the Photoshop skills. I still don't like seeing my face and body.

If someone GENUINELY has decided that their pagan path isn't right for them anymore, that maybe that's not the truth, and that maybe Christianity makes more sense, that's A-OK with me. I have no problem with anyone who truly believes in Christianity themselves (and doesn't force it on others). They find that religion to be true, and have come to that conclusion all on their own (and maybe they feel like they've had an experience with Jesus that gives them personal proof of his existence, kind of like my experience with Mother Earth).

Here's where I get wary, though:

Having grown up going to Christian churches, I know how cult-like they *can* be. Not everything about every type of church is cult-ish, of course. Common Christian messages like:

• "Christianity is the only way!"

• "You need to go out and proselytize and evangelize! Tell everyone about the love of God and pray for them! Tell your friends to come to Youth Group, they need Jesus!"

• "Repent and accept Jesus as your lord and Savior or else you're going to Hell!"

• "Being gay is a sin, but we still love you! Hate the sin, love the sinner! You need conversion therapy!"

and teaching these things to kids starting at a young age all are definitely cult-ish.

Even adults could get suckered in. Some people might be going through a big hardship, like grief, and then find comfort in "They're in heaven now." These vulnerable people could then get sucked into Christianity through cult-like tactics. The love-bombing is such a problem sometimes. Like with my gay example, they constantly say they actually do love you and are doing everything out of love, but then they don't actually treat you lovingly and with respect and dignity.

Unless it's clear that a Christian has researched the religion and made the conscious choice to follow that religion all on their own, I'll be wary and concerned for the person.

Also, there are many people online that will claim to be a former witch now saved by Jesus who are flat-out lying. They were never witches or pagans. They've always been Christians, and they're just trying to get more people to believe what they do.

Also, on a slightly of related note, I have been going to a UU congregation for over a year now. I have found that with Unitarian Universalists, they constantly say they love you, but the love also carries a heavy "everyone has inherent worth and dignity. We are trying to actually show respect and love to everyone in our daily lives. It's hard sometimes, be we strive to be better people. Let us know we we do anything that hurts you and we'll apologize and work on our actions." It's not just false promises of love with hateful actions. It's not love bombing. It's people striving for real love.

I'm currently pet/house sitting for some people I know, which means I'm alone. I can say whatever I want and no one can hear me. This means that I am able to sing pagan songs if I want to. Want to? Boy, do I! Not only do I have some of these chants stuck in my head, but I genuinely love to sing it over and over and over…

If I'm alone and just wanting to stim while I do something, though? The songs need to be energetic to some degree and at least somewhat danceable. Reclaiming's version of We All Come From The Goddess (which includes the Hoof and Horn verses) is just barely good enough for this. I Walk With The Goddess by Kelliana is great for this. Daughters Of Gaia's version of Mother I Feel You is PERFECT! I started singing it and can't stop!

Please go listen to these songs. I'll also put the lyrics here.

Mother I Feel You:

Mother I feel you under my feet,

Mother I feel your heartbeat.

Mother I feel you under my feet,

Mother I feel your heartbeat.

/*Vocables that are similar to what's found in traditional Native American music*.

[Everything repeats].

When I'm feeling worried and can't do anything about it at the moment, I will listen to Healing Chant by Heather Alexander (not deadnaming him, he still leaves his old music under that name) on repeat. If I'm alone, I'll sing it. Songs like this are not for stimming.

If I'm wanting to relax in general I'll listen to or sing The Earth, The Air, The Fire, The Water (the speed and melody of the way Libana does it). We All Come From The Goddess (with just the original lyrics written by Z. Budapest, as Lila sings it) is another for if I'm wanting to relax (but, of course I'll also sing it if I'm worshipping). No stimming here.

As someone who is typically more skeptical and science-seeking, I try to use my stones from that lense. I try to keep myself grounded in reality and not get caught up in "the runes are literally magical and are predicting the future" or whatever. I know that if I give in to that kind of thinking I'll not only be believing in something that isn't true, but I'll be more likely to pull something that will be bad and make me obsessively worry about that.

With that said, however, I have noticed that my pulls have been somewhat accurate to an extent. I'll pull a few stones in a specific way, and there will be at least one part of it that makes me go "YEAH! That's exactly what's going on! Oh shit. How is it this accurate!? Then there will be some other parts that make me go "yeah, what if something ends up like this? What about this perspective? I'll think about it. Maybe it is going like this and my worries are for nothing. Maybe not. Their meanings are just barely broad enough that I'll be able to connect it to my question/issue somehow." With my first big pull, it was telling me that I shouldn't do the thing I asked about, but I was initially like "but no, I really want to do this! Pulling stones is just random, anyways! I'll do what I want. Maybe… yes, I can interpret it as telling me to go ahead and do the thing. Maybe the gods I prayed to about this are speaking to my through the runes but, probably not. The only thing I can say for sure is that the runes are telling me to consider other options and think about it more. I'm glad this is getting me to actually think about the other option." I thought and talked about the situation over the next few days with the other people involved. I then reread my rune spread and notes. I realized that I should NOT do the thing. It would not be the good thing I thought it would be. The actions of the other people were starting to show that to me. I told everyone my decision. Soon after, I realized that I made the right choice. Everything went to complete shit with the other people involved and doing the thing would have gotten me involved with it.

Today I decided to prove that, yes, the runes are like I originally thought. Just a random pull that has happened to be a little bit accurate the few times I've used them. I then said allowed "My question is, will I be pulling the Sowilo rune? I want to." I PULLED THE FUCKING SOWILO RUNE! Only a 1 out of 24 chance! It's still random, I know, but I found that funny. 1/24 is obviously a much better chance than if it was 1/50 or something.

Mods, can we get a "poetry/songs" flair?

This song is a pagan chant that goes:

"I walk with the goddess. The goddess, she walks with me.

I walk with the goddess. The goddess, she walks with me.

She is the clouds up in the clear blue sky, she is the ground beneath my feet.

She is the oceans and the falling rains, she is the spark that lights my way."

As someone who worships Mother Earth, I love this song. I also, however, worship the sun and moon as well. I thought this song could use a second part that's all about the Sun, so I wrote this:

"I walk with the god. The god, he walks with me.

I walk with the god. The god, he walks with me.

He is the sun up in the clear blue sky, he is the warmth surrounding me.

He is the light that rises every morn', He is the spark that lights my way."

I don't think I'll write a part about the moon, but maybe I should. I don't know. Anyways, I do know that this will go with all my other chants in my folder. Feel free to use my words however you want, just remember that Kelliana wrote the initial song. She might not want someone to record her song with extra words and make money off it.

I'll be gone from this Sunday to next Sunday. I usually water my plant once a week, but I check it twice a week because sometimes it needs that. Can I, Sunday morning, just give my plant extra water to make up for being gone? I'd rather do that because I can't move my plant to another room of the house. My parents have a cat, and she loves being in other rooms. Also, I can't have either of my parents go into my room EVER. I'd have to completely take down my elaborate altar and hide a bunch of stuff they'd irrationally get mad at me for.

I don't know if I'll ever buy Paralives, but I would like to someday. I know that if I do buy the game, I will be struggling with not having anything jungle or Mesoamerican themed. Honestly, in The Sims 4, I struggle to build something that doesn't use Jungle Adventure in any way. I'm obsessed with Mesoamerica and jungles. I tried to build a replica of the Huēy Teōcalli (Templo Mayor) in The Sims, but I couldn't go tall enough. It still looks good. If I could build 5 levels tall in Paralives, then I would definitely remake the Huēy Teōcalli. I also build Maya inspired buildings so that I could make the yard a jungle (the Aztecs weren't in the jungle!) I want my hyperfixations to be incorporated in the game.

I have the basic audiobook plan. If I listen to an audiobook chapter that's 1 hour long, but I speed it up to x2, how will it be tracked? Will Spotify say "you've used up one hour of your listening time this month", or will it say I've only used up 30 minutes?

I can sometimes struggle to take someone seriously when they start talking about fantasy creatures being real. I wholeheartedly believe there are no fairies, elves, or dragons. The only elf I've seen is the Christmas movie that I have on DVD. 😆 When in a group ritual, I'll respect other's beliefs. If someone said "don't do this! It'll anger the fairies", I'll not do the thing. I still don't believe in fairies. It's just like when going to a friend's house and their parents say we all need to pray to Jesus before a meal. Of course I'll do it, despite not believing in Jesus. When people start talking about how "as children, we were able to see this hidden folk, but as we grew up, we lost that ability. We need that magic again", I'd fully disagree with them. My response (if I'm asked to give one) would probably be something like "I don't really see it that way. I think kids just do pretend play, nothing more. Imaginary friends and pretend". Then I'd probably ask them what led them to their beliefs and if they've had any experiences they'd want to talk about. I'd learn more about what leads them to their reasoning.

I also think magic/witchcraft is placebo and spicy psychology. I created sigils to go with my incantations. I say my incantation when looking into the mirror, then I repeat it while drawing the sigil on my body with lotion and rubbing it in. These incantations are glorified affirmations. This is using extra fluff to help me focus on my words, and the words are helping me have better self esteem, confidence, joy, etc. The words also center me in reality. Stop. Think. What's really going on in the situation I'm worrying about, and what do I actually need to worry about? Looking in the mirror helps me connect with my physical body more.

But then, despite all this that I believe, I truly believe in deities. The Earth is the mother goddess, the Sun is the father god, and grandmother Moon is a goddess as well. Yes, I'm talking about the literal things in our solar system. The planet we live on, our Sun, and our Moon. I've had my experiences that are clear evidence of this. I've had what I consider to be a miracle from the Sun and Moon. Yes, it's a UPG. Sure. I know science can't verify this. This is what makes me an odd fellow.

For brief context, I'm a young adult who can't afford to move out of my parents house. Yes, I have a job. Both of my parents are conservative Christians. In general, my mom is better than my dad, and she has caused much less trauma than him.

So about a week ago I walk on a neighborhood walk with my mom. Here's essentially what I told my mom at first:

"Obviously with dad, I can't tell him many things because I worry he'll get mad, hate me, call me a nut job, and say I can't be myself in his house. We've already talked about this. With you, it's different. I don't like telling you things sometimes because I don't want to upset you. I know that you're the type to hear something that you find concerning and you get really worried about it and feel the need to either fix it, or at least say your viewpoint (respectfully) and see if there is a way you can help. Even if not, you still get overly concerned. I know you will never get mad and hate me, but I still don't like telling you certain things because I'm trying to be considerate of your mental health."

Well, the next night on another walk she told me that because I said what I said, she started getting really concerned that there's something I'm not telling her. She'd rather know all about me, even if it upsets her. She understands (and wholeheartedly believes) that she can't, and shouldn't, control me or anything. She still doesn't believe that I'm a trans man/I could know myself after telling her a year ago, but that's another story for a different day.

I then felt like I had to tell her about my religious beliefs, because that is the specific thing I didn't want to tell her. I knew it would upset her big time, but I was already upsetting her by not saying anything, so, shouldn't I just say it? A year ago I told her I started attending a UU congregation, and a week after that, she said "that upsets me more than the trans thing". This shows just how much I didn't want to tell her.

I explained how I worship the Earth as a mother goddess, the Sun, and the Moon. If they aren't actually deities, than "Mother Earth" talk and whatnot is a really good metaphor. I didn't use the word Pagan at all. I told her about everything else in this paragraph. At one point I went from 'praying (for the millionth time) that Jesus/the Christian god would give me a clean sign of his existence' to 'praying for either a sign from him if he's real, or a sign from Mother Earth, if the Earth is indeed a goddess'. A few weeks after that prayer (and after forgetting about it), I got my sign from Mother Earth. It was as clear as day. I also told her about how I then started worshipping the Sun and Moon. About a month after I started, I got this random impulse to look directly at the sky. I felt ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Usually, when I look straight up at something taller than 30 feet, I have a full-blown panic attack. At first I thought it might have been a fluke, and maybe the low building that was also in my view helped me. A few days after that, I was at the park and felt the need to lie down and look straight up at the night sky. Yet again, I felt no fear. I actually started sobbing because of how beautiful the sky was, and how grateful I am to suddenly, out of nowhere, not have this fear anymore. I wasn't sure if this lack of fear also now applied to being in really tall buildings or not. The morning before I had to be on the court level of a stadium, I was doing my positive affirmations and praying to not have my fear. That afternoon, I wasn't afraid. I didn't deal with the usual stuff I deal with when under a really high ceiling. I, being the naturally skeptical and science seeking minded person I am, tried to rationalize it with psychology, but couldn't. I genuinely believe it was a divine miracle.

She immediately doubted my claims and thought it was probably my subconscious deciding to let go of my irrational fear because of my religion. She doesn't think it's a divine miracle at all. From what I could tell, it also seems like maybe she thinks that me believing in the Sun and Moon as actual deities is ridiculous. This strikes me as odd, because she is the type of Christian who believes in miracles, gifts of the holy Spirit, and that type of stuff. We both tend to be skeptical of miracle claims unless there's evidence, but even still, she knows that miracles can happen. She has known folks who have had miracles from the Christian god.

When she asked if I was into witchcraft (because of my TV show/movie interests), I explained that I still know that stuff I watch is fake. I told her that, when it comes to what actual witches do, I think it's either placebo effect, or nothing happens. I think it's completely okay for someone to use the placebo effect to their advantage and do witchcraft that way. I didn't tell her that I actually do that type of witchcraft. I didn't tell my mom about my altar.

I now worry that I shouldn't have told my mom my beliefs. Yeah, saying I believe the Sun, Moon, and Earth are alive as beings does sound utterly stupid! Many cultures throughout history have believed this, though. I'm not completely making up something. I'm not delusional. I feel stupid and like I've made my bed and have to lie in it. I can't undo any of this. I'm not going to suddenly lie and say "actually, I was wrong, they aren't deities!" just to hide again. Does she now see me as a woo-woo wacko? I don't know.

I won't ever tell my dad about my beliefs.

Now I'm reflecting on ᛉ (Algiz rune) again, and wondering how it might pertain to my situation. I'm new to rune stone pulling. A few weeks ago I did a rune pull that helped me sort out my feelings on a situation. It helped me realize that, yeah, maybe I shouldn't move into a place with my grandparents. I kinda was already having this feeling that maybe that was true, but I refused to believe it. I really wanted to make moving out work. ᛉ was a part of that pull, so I reflected on it then. Even after all that was done, I still kept thinking about ᛉ. I thought that maybe I needed to reflect on it some more. Maybe it applies to something else going on in my life. Well, now I see that it does.

When initially researching the rune, I learned that:

It relates to protection, a shield, defense, instinct, the strength to guard what's sacred, the boundary between safety and danger, caution, spiritual defense, and heightened awareness. The moose is not aggressive without reason, but it is not helpless either. The power to defend without being consumed by fear. Courage in the face of fear is central, not the absence of fear, because fear may or may not be a warning to us that protection and defensiveness is necessary.

So I think that the ᛉ rune is either trying to tell me that I should not have told my mom all this, or that it's okay that I told her, and I just need to keep believing what I believe, no matter her reaction. As I'm typing this, I'm starting to think that it's the latter, but I don't know.