u/Naivefemale91

I sometimes feel jealous of people who dont seem to get bothered by things like racism, sexism, or appearance based jokes. I also feel jealous of people who dont seem to bother about those things and just get by, so sometimes i feel like a weirdo for getting offended over those things as some of those can be applied to me as im an unattractive poc girl, everything those spaces tend to mock. I feel like a weirdo for being sensitive over this type of stuff.

There is this pretty commentator i came across whose content mainly consist of bullying others, bullying other women especially for their looks and weight, she bullies the women who dont even look medically overweight/obese who just may not be super skinny or have just a tiny bit of belly pudge or cellulite, her content consists of being hateful towards pocs, women, other races, etc but all the comments fixate on how pretty she is or how she is owning all of us "sensitive bitches". IDK, maybe im too sensitive but it makes me lose faith in humanity even more with the hateful content which consists of her cyberbullying other womens looks, making racist content, she would literally say sexist things like how women are good for nothing and all the men under it would be simping for her with how shes such a wifey material and you have ton of people agreeing with her just because she is pretty.

I really couldnt care less about women who are willing throw us under the bus for male validation, do stuff like shame our clothes or looks if we dont meet traditional beauty standards, make excuses for everything a man does in the name of tradition or religion, enable these men who are open for their hatred for women, i couldnt care less those serena joys who are so hell bent on setting us back in time just because their fantasy book says so, i couldnt care less about women who continue defending abrahamic religion, consider us "brainwashed witches" if we dont give into their belief, the same religion that has been used for ages to control women and still is in some parts of the worlds, apparently i offended alot of "religious feminists" (aka chickens for kfc) in the other feminist sub for saying you cant be a feminist and follower of an abrahamic religion at the same time so i actually consider them a threat to feminism.

I dont trust even the ones who claim to follow "progressive" version of it at this point, when we daily get criticised for choosing to not having children, not getting married, not being traditionally submissive or subservient to men by these same pick me women all of these "choice feminists" are silent but as soon as we admit that you could never be for womens rights if you still choose to defend abrahamic religions or as soon as we criticize these tradwives who constantly enforce their lifestyle on us, constantly warn us how we will die alone with cats at age 50 as a sort of threat if we were to take any other path in life and act like how they are superior for it, then all of sudden these choice feminists play the "everyones a feminist until a woman chooses to love her religion or choose to be a housewife/mother" card even though being a housewife/mother is more than common in most parts of the world, its not a rare existence and motherhood constantly get shoved down our throats with its the only way we could get fulfilled in life as women every second of the day already.

I really dont consider religious women part of the feminist movement and idc what others have to say about this because these are the same women willing to throw us under the bus
for their fantasy book, enforce gender roles on us with "we are just built for different things" or this whole pinkwashing "equity over equality" arguments comes, how men should be the head according to their fantasy book and justify everything a man does as long he is the head, shame us for living differently than them, defend male grapists or pedofiles and blame us for it, etc so you know what, you are right im not a 'girls girl", they could go rot it in hell and idgaf if that makes me less of a feminist, why do people expect us to care about women who are against us? Like idgaf if a woman chooses to have children, just dont enforce this that i have to do this as well or make me feel like ive failed womanhood for not doing it. Im not a feminist for these women, idc if they get oppressed or hurt by the very same ideology they keep defending so badly, i have 0 sympathy for them. Im really tired of people trying to make it seem like that women with children are such a rare occurrence on this planet when most of social media fyp literally consists of pregnancy announcements and im tired of people making us feel useless, call us lonely cat ladies if we haven't done it or remind us its the only way to reach fulfillment as a woman.

 

They think literally everything is dangerous for me, i cant even go out for walks just to catch some fresh air without parents making up every excuse "its too hot" "its too sunny" "its too dark" etc, i cant even go to my apartment grocery store just to grab something even if its going to contribute to our home groceries without my parents freaking out "why did you go alone" even though its literally at the fuckin ground floor of our apartment, i live in a safe area, i cant even go to a nearby cafe with my laptop which i see alot of normal adults my age doing,etc. Im fuckin tired, its so fuckin suffocating. They want to do this until i get married off to someone who is just as controlling as them and this is how it is with most women in this culture. And they make me feel like im rebellious when these are just normal things that adults do like going to grocery store, they make it like im sneaking out with boys to do inappropriate things, its only normal innocent stuff which other adults normally dont get interrogated by their mommy and daddy for doing it, even though im at my fuckin late 20s, im not 17. They think im too naive or "innocent" for this world and how people will take advantage of me so they dont trust me with anything. I cant even pick up my delivery orders which is literally delivered right at your doorstop, you dont even have to step one foot outside the home but apparently, they get overprotective over fuckin that as well as they think every men on this planet is out to harm me. Im starting to really despise or resent them. they overly sheltered me like this most of my life and didnt even let me do simple things like cooking and now wonder im so useless at my grown age. Id much rather even deal with negligent parents than overprotective ones cause atleast they are less suffocating. I cant even speak out against that or defend myself without my mother being like "we are your parents, we can control you" or something like that. Even for work transportation since im actual grown ass adult sometimes my staff bus is not available so i can come by myself in taxi since it would make everyone's life easier but no, they dont trust with me with that as well, i cant even go and leave my job alone like normal adults as well.

There is just alot going on in my mind to the point i have trouble felling asleep. Things that are stressing me keep coming to my mind at the time of sleep. Ive been taking some melatonin daily but they make me feel sadder for some reason.

Even though i honestly have mixed feelings on marriage, i do get sad looking at happily married couples and do wish i had a partner to cuddle with every night. I sometimes do regret being closed off, introverted or "individualistic" most my life, the kind of person that prefers to be alone.

There isnt anything i could do to make my neck longer, at best i could only "camouflage" it with hair or clothing which doesnt always work since my neck is unusually short like no neck ed, its one of the most humiliating features to have. My neck is as short as ash trevino who gets clowned for her looks daily, i could never look elegant or feminine because of my short neck, im stuck with it for the rest of my life. It looks like i have no neck at all combined with my already recessed chin giving me warthog appearance, women that are normally considered beautiful like models tend to have long elegant necks. Ive been clowned for my short neck as well, it makes me look cartoonishly weird. Thats why ive never felt comfortable putting my hair up. Having a short neck is also very uncomfortable, im stuck looking "pudgy" forever because of my short neck, it also brings more attention to how big my head is.

To start, i already come from a conservative islamic household where men are designed to be the head of the households, where domestic abuse is justified if the woman doesnt obey her husband, where there is concept of honor killings where a woman gets killed if the family feels like she has done something to ruin their "honor". My father uses that justification of him being "the man of the house" to control me and my mother in every aspect of life. And now i see some westerners praising values like this, there seems to be more push towards gender roles than there was few years back, people saying things like how giving women freedom was a mistake, how the nuclear family is destroyed meanwhile where i come from, women are raised to be obediant and give up their whole identities for their husband and in laws just to see some western misogynists praise this which seems like a big slap in the face, how we are just "brainwashed satanic witches" who need to be burned again like the good old days just because we cant be controlled like lifestock anymore, suddenly its always some evil antisemitic conspiracy which forced us women into workforce meanwhile women from poorer backgrounds have been working for ages doing numerous small jobs to support their families in a third world country, i have female cousins who are from poorer background in my third world country have to work as well due to financial issues, now are yall going to blame the "cia" for making them work as well?

Now you see prominent figures like rachel wilson, candace owens and various tradwife influencers becoming mainstream spewing these conspiracy theories on how all of us are just satanic brainwashed witches who need to be controlled or burned like the good old days and all the comments underneath the posts talk as if we are animals, trying to convince us so badly we would be much happier off popping off 100 babies under the control of our husbands and if we dont do that, then we will die by 100 cats at age 50 even though the latter still seems like a better option to me. I just dont care about giving into my gender role, id much rather die than give into my gender role, i dont give a fuck about your imaginary sky daddy so i dont care if that makes me a "brainwashed witch" so burn me, i dont care. If these western extremist fundie women want to follow their trad life so badly then they should stfu, do it silently in the background like their bible demanded, and give up their political career/grifting. I really hate being born a woman.

Even though im an introvert and not a really huge fan of meeting with people, i sometimes feel regretful over this and over the missed opportunities. Sometimes i feel regetful over rejecting an invitation i have done in the past which may have hurt the person inviting me who did it out of good gesture most of the times because that time will never come back with that person, i may have missed some good oppurtunity, maybe i would have more people who would care about me today if i would've built more connections. Idk but i sometimes feel this way even though i do tend to get energy drained after meeting with people and prefer to be alone most of the times. Ive basically wasted most of my younger years which were supposed to be your "fun time" in your life like this as im approaching 30.

For those who are wondering well yall can use this confirmation that im actually ugly and its not inside my head i guess. Even though i was already aware that i was ugly even before posting on those subs i still was at a point at that time when i was willing to get as much hardcore looksmaxxing advice as possible, even if its just hearing its over for me or maybe even virtually self harm, ik it wont make sense to yall. On amiuglybrutallyhonest, i got very few replies, downvotes, majority of them roasting me, one of them even calling me a drag queen despite being a cis woman even though i posted photo of myself looking as presentable as possible dolled up. On truerateme, i got rated between 2-3, the lowest a person has ever gotten there, the highest rating was 4 and even this was only by 1 or 2 people. On photofeeler,again i got majority no on physical attractiveness by both men and women. For those who may wonder, those posts have been long deleted so you wont find them.

Daily, my mother always find something as stupid like this to get mad over. Like i feel so stupid even just typing this, isnt the whole purpose of the towel to dry yourself so especially right after shower when you dry yourself, the towel becomes wet, right? Its not going to be as dry as sahara desert, my mother complained over this today. Like i seriously dont understand her stupid brain sometimes or im surprised if she even has something up there, you use towel to dry your hands, your face, your body, your long hair,etc after you wash yourself with water, not air so of course its going to be wet, shes just so fuckin stupid and i dont care if this makes me sound disrespectful. My mother has ocd to the point she gets mad over stupid stuff like this daily which drives me crazy. Yesterday i showered so i used the towel right after to dry myself so the towel became wet especially since i used it dry my long wet hair as well, so mother had complains over this today, like even a kindergarten kid has more common sense than her. Also she herself has put a piece of clothe in the bathroom to dry up everything up if the bathroom becomes wet, so if i were to do that which was why it was even put there in the first place, mother also complains about that clothes being too wet even though she expected us to use that clothes to dry up after you are done in the first place which makes no fuckin sense to me at all, i dont understand her dumb ass logic as well, because if i werent to dry up she would bitch and whine about that as well. Also there is this recurring issue with my bathroom pipe leaking for which ive gotten help from the maintenance guy multiple times but since there is always some new issues in our old ass apartment like sometimes there is pipe leakage, sometimes there is elevator issue, sometimes there is electricity issue, sometimes there is roof leakage, broken tiles, numerous mosquitoes, fire alarm that blares 1000 times a day, etc like the old building is literally felling apart so that issue reoccurs again so i really wish she would also stop making that my fuckin issue as well when ive already have gotten help from the maintenance guy multiple times just for the issue to reoccur again in this old ass fraud apartment.

I just need to express my honest feelings since i have no one to talk to in real life about this, so im sorry if this may not be the right sub for this. Im a pakistani woman in her late 20s who was brought up in united arab emirates most of her life. Currently im working a small admin job which is low paying but this was the best i was able to find and im currently applying for more jobs but i have found no success so far and i have studied bachelors in business management, im also living with my parents.

As some of you may know, the country im residing in does not offer permanent visas so whenever you retire, you will eventually move back to your home country even if you were living here for 50+ years. Now i dont have dual citizenship of any other country so i will eventually have to move back to pakistan when my father retires which is after one year or maybe even less than that since so many people are losing jobs here due to current war situation as well so if i still havent managed to find a well paying job with secure contract by then as the job im in is on temporary contract meaning they can kick me out anytime soon as soon as they find a local to replace me in my position so by then i will have to back with my parents to pakistan after retirement. Im honestly not that stoked about going back to pakistan, i dont see any future in that country, my life would become even surpressed there especially as an unmarried woman, its a suffocating place for women to the point ive come across numerous pakistani women who managed to get permanent outside visas admit they would never return back to pakistan since they actually have choice, whatever freedom i had here is going to be gone there, lack of safety especially for a person who is not that religious, the political situation keeps getting worse there as well, lack of resources like for instance there is constantly electricity outage and water resource issues sometimes there,etc. Idk, its going to be very hard for me especially since i grew up in united arab emirates, whatever memories i have from childhood, to schools, to connections ive built, to college, to graduation i spend it here just to leave it one day permanently. For years, my parents tried to get me married to people with outside visas but it never worked out as they rejected me so now my parents consider me a failure for that as well even though i never even got to meet these people.

Now about moving to outside countries for studies or jobs, ive tried applying for masters for it in the past but have only gotten into arguments with my dad over it as he didnt want me to do it and he only discouraged me from it, he didnt even let me do bachelors abroad so ive given up thinking of moving to another country at this point. The only way i could move into another country is through marriage at this point which again, i have found no success with so far obviously. Anyways, my father already talks about sending us back to pakistan from now even though im trying to get settled here atleast for now or maybe he may know more than us due to current situation, idk. For years, whenever me or mother did something to piss him off even if unintentionally, he would threaten to send us back to pakistan as a sort of punishment since he is the sponsor of our visa. Anyways, i cant help but feel sad moving back to pakistan, its just not a good place for women, ive been there multiple times on vacations and i have clearly seen how the environment there is to the point i would come up with work excuse to avoid going there at this point. Like i dont even see the point of the current admin job im doing since its extremely low pay to the point i cant even afford a sharing apartment thats why im living with my parents and temporary contract to the point they can kick me out anytime even though ive been in this company for more than 1 and a half year now.

Lately I’ve been realizing how much I took certain moments with my mother for granted.

For years she would ask me to go with her to family friends’ gatherings and I used to get annoyed, refuse sometimes, or act like it was a chore since i was an introvert. At the time I didn’t understand why she kept insisting.

But now that my parents are preparing to leave this country permanently because my father is retiring, I suddenly keep replaying those memories in my head since this time will never come back.

The painful part is realizing I never really had much of a social life growing up, and I think my mother knew that. Looking back now, I think she was trying to help me feel included, less isolated, and less alone by bringing me around people instead of letting me stay by myself all the time.

Even her friends were genuinely kind to me and I didn’t appreciate it enough back then because I assumed those moments would always exist.

It’s strange how you only realize certain ordinary moments were important after they start disappearing.