u/Naivefemale91

I dont like being born a woman. Just the fact of us wanting to be treated as humans is seen as a joke as people label us as those "annoying feminists" and some of the religious nutcases would even call us demonic witches for it. There is a song going around online called "labour" which talks about systemic oppression women have faced throughout the centuries now it has become a joke on the internet and is being mocked by everyone which only says it all.

People don't see us as humans, if we were to want freedom or don't want to be treated like animals, people see us as brainwashed witches. It's just unfair men get to be the headhold of the house due to their biological advantage and women are just expected to submit to them, gender roles benefit men more then they benefit women. All these conservatives like telling us feminist that "if you're such a feminist, why don't you try getting drafted for war or applying for difficult jobs like construction" as a sort of gotcha but you know what, id rather do all of these things that give into responsibilities if being a woman who is just housebound, giving birth and has to be controlled by their men.

I know most of you will think im being over dramatic or ridiculous since i recently turned 29 which may not be considered granny old but its last year in my 20s and the fact most that im more than a decade into my adulthood, idk i just have a hard time believing. The fact that most of my major young milestones like graduation, college, etc was more than a decade ago sometimes freaks me out when thinking about it. I know that to many, ageing is considered a blessing since there are many people that dont even get to live that long and die younger but sometimes seeing your body become older and weaker feels like painful experience, especially as a woman you are considered "expired".I also have to see my parents become older and weaker and lose some of your older family members as time passes by, its like what is there even left after becoming older when all of your "fun" or prime years have passed. Also people are far more likely to judge you for things like what you do, your mistakes meanwhile people are more likely to be forgiving towards you when you are younger.

Ive dealt with anger issues most of life to the point it has gotten me in alot of trouble throughout my life, ruin relationships, etc in order to cope with anger, I self harm when I get angry instead of harming something else so I don't take it out on others. Even in a professional setting like job where I shouldnt show anger, I struggle. Like if someone were to say something that would piss me off in a time where I shouldnt show anger, i would not be able to come up with articulate or smart answers, I would straight up show them anger.

I mostly bottle up my emotions and tend to be quiet, so all of the negative emotions keep building up inside me until there is one thing that pushes me over the edge and then I just explode. I just suck at hiding anger, even when i try to not look angry you can still clearly see it in my face. I feel ashamed of this.

I just cant take it anymore, ive been working with her for 2 years so now im beginning to lose patience. Based on my previous posts on my boss, she extremely naggy, picky, micromanaging, argumentative, short tempered, etc like she always finds something to complain about, she is never satisfied so now im beginning to lose my professional face. Everything she does pisses me off at this point, i cant leave this job since this was the best i was able to find and where i live, job market is already bad at the moment.

Now whats even worse is this time, i have to sit in her office this year which is making all of this even harder, she tracks my each and every move, if i were to leave only 4 minutes earlier than when my working hours end, she has an issue and doesnt let me leave as i have to leave early to catch my staff bus which i have missed in the past multiple times, if im typing too much in tasks she complains about my typing sound, if i were to message my other coworkers on my other tasks since she isnt the only one im working for she has an issue with me being on my phone meanwhile if i werent to do that, she complains about me why im not catching up with others on tasks, like she drives me crazy. Do there is an issue and if you dont, there is still an issue. She taunts me for each and everything and im getting fuckin sick of this bird faced naggy psycho hag. After doing a huge task, i cant even catch a breath without her giving me another huge tedious task.

After i do the task in the way which she instructed me to do, she will complains why you doing it this way when you literally fuckin instructed to do it this way in the first place and then she denies it and tells me not to argue when i point this fact out. She treats me like slave, she gives me huge amounts of tasks at the time and expects me to finish it quickly, when im focusing on one tasks she complains about why im not prioritizing the other task, and if i were to focus on the other tasks she complains why im not prioritizing on the previous task, im just fuckin fed up at this point as i have been dealing with this for 2 years with so called "temporary contract" so they dont increase my salary which is very low to the point even delivery drivers make more than this. Im losing my professional face with her, i just cant stand to look at that hideous bitter face of hers at this point without getting pissed off. I got fed up so i went off on her today as im already taking a medication prescribed by my neurologists which is worsening my anger issues, i know i wasnt supposed to do that, it wasnt very professional of me, i know no company would tolerate this behavior but i just had it with her.

Now you would expect this type of behavior in places like Afghanistan or Pakistan, but no they were actually filmed in america consisting of a white christian guy going around harrassing women on the streets for not dressing up modestly. Like in some posts, he is literally shirtless himself while harrassing another women for wearing a strapless top and how they are not "wifey" material for doing it, double standards is off the charts which nobody bothered pointing it out. Instead, all of the comments underneath consists of conservative men and some pick me women agreeing with him like as if they want some form of taliban in america as well, it also attracted alot of muslims praising this guy's behavior not surprisingly. I really cant stand this weird rise of conservatism and prude behavior especially among gen zs. Like i really cant stand conservatives, religious fundies at all as soon as they shove their beliefs down our throats like i dont give 2 fucks what your imaginary santa clause demands from us. Most of it was filmed in a beachy hot area, its fine for men to walk shirtless but when a women walk in shorts, all of the sudden its an issue. Just like in every religion, men are free to do whatever they want meanwhile women have stricter rules so fuck all of them, i refuse to respect them.

Im not trolling, i just need to know. Like how do i not constantly wallow in self pity over this ? How do i make peace with being truly ugly to the point even just simple grooming hasnt helped me, im ugly no matter what i do with my looks. Ive gotten alot of mistreatments because of my looks most of my life as well. Ive also have gotten ton of hurtful comments on my looks on tik tok even though i post tik toks as dolled up as possible which normally doesnt happen under the post of someone who is genuinely attractive. Ive had trouble accepting or making peace with this most of my life, in my late 20s im still having trouble with this even though i was expecting by now i would maturely just get over it by now. Also few years back, when i asked for some advice on my looks on subreddits like amiugly, truerateme, etc i got roasted and got rated 2-3.

-your feelings dont matter

-your mental health doesnt matter

-your opinions dont matter

-your preference dont matter

-your issues dont matter

Nothing matters

I know, this was bound to happen one day since it was a public account. I initially created this account years back with my username not being my real name to just video random stuff and then i started posting some relatable deep povs on numerous issues like self esteem issues, cultural issues, family issues, body image issues, mental health, bullying issues, etc with my face present sometimes i would even add a hint of satire to demonstrate these issues as ive seen alot of people doing these povs with their face available but i would do this while looking as presentable as possible, ive seen alot of women treat tik tok as their video dairy with povs on issues alot of people go through so i guess i wanted to be like them and treat this as a sort of coping mechanism even though i know i shouldnt. Besides, most of my tik toks barely got 100s of views and i already blocked most people i know in real life including my mother and most relatives. I already have self esteem issues in general so sometimes i want validation from social media even though i know i shouldn't. However today, apparently some aunt in our circle who i dont even know came across one pov tik tok of mine demonstrating frustrations i have with my mother which recently got 100k views and send it to her.

Now i feel mortified, i dont know whether i should private my account for a while, delete it permanently or just hide myself permanently. I know i shouldn't have done that, ive just seen so many people do those forms of deep pov with their faces on talking about their family issues as well which i know isnt right but it cam be a form of coping mechanism for some, i feel like i wanted to do that as well as a form of coping mechanism since i have no one to talk to in real life. But like i said before, my tik toks are on various topics, not just her. Ive seen alot of people do povs like that with their face in public, my mother thinks im crazy or stupid for doing that even though ive seen alot of people do that so this is where i got inspiration from. I dont even use my real name or location on tik tok, sure there may be safety issue and i know im putting myself at risk for posting myself in public. She is like "what will my relatives think" , i know i shouldnt have posted this but for how much longer am i going to think about what my relatives would think, millions of people post content like daily on tik tok so are they also thinking about what their relatives will think constantly? Like will i always be tied to my relatives? Again i feel bad about my povs on mother and deleted them, i will not talk about her ever again even if i have frustrations with her but i still have povs on other topics. I just feel so mortified and want to disappear. I mean even if i didnt make any posts on my mother, i still didnt want her to find out about my tik tok account and i wouldve been mortified even then as well.

I just never understood pakistani clothing, i wish i was born into a culture where just wearing simple t shirt, pants, skirts, normal dresses was considered normal, some people here dont even consider simple modest t shirts modest enough especially on women. So i tend find shopping for pakistani clothing very boring since i dont seem to like pakistani clothing in general since i never understood traditional clothing. Even for weddings, i just sometimes wish normal dresses and suits wear normalized like it is in western or even some arab weddings as well. Sure some pakistani clothing can be comfortable but that's about it.