u/Naivefemale91

I honestly dont have any interest in traveling atleast for now especially back to pakistan, they are saying for now it will be a 2 weeks trip but i feel like it will turn into a one month trip and they are trying to trap me, they also said i could even leave pakistan earlier alone but i feel like at the time, he will pressure to come back with my mother. I never enjoyed visiting there and if i had choice, i would prefer to never go back there especially as a girl, i especially dont want to travel with my mother since it will just be me and my mother this trip since she is already hard to be around.

My father already talks about sending me back to pakistan even though i dont want to go which makes me resentful sometimes, i do have a job here but unfortunately i have 1 and a half month summer break coming so they want me to go back to pakistan as they are like "what will you do at home?", initially i dont have any objections with going to pakistan this summer especially since its been nearly 3 years but i feel like if i were to agree to go now, my father will want me to visit pakistan every break from now on and will use that "what will you do at home" excuse every break which i dont want it to happen as well especially since i already hear him talking about wanting to send me back to pakistan, he is like go help your mom set up house over there and i feel like he is going to want me to do that every break from now on as well like just because you are retiring, does not mean im retiring as well, just because you have interest of going back to pakistan does not mean everyone does, atleast for now i already have no interest of settling there in the first place especially as a girl as im trying to get settle here as i do already have a job here as well, i just want to leave pakistan option for worst case scenarios like for instance if we lost job or got deported obviously.

Id much rather even rot in boredom here staring at walls then travel to pakistan so im tired of them using this pressure that i will be bored here being convinced this will make me want to go to pakistan. Beside, im also having to deal with certain health issues which will cause me carry alot of medications everywhere not knowing for how long it will last me on trip which is also making hesitant about traveling in general currently. If i dont agree to go now, i will have to deal with emotional manipulation from my parents, they will remain mad over this, they would be like you are always at home or something like that.

This will be a TMI but Ive struggled with digestion issues for which doctors didnt found a cure apart from giving me generic laxatives or miralax most of my life so i have been abusing laxatives most of my life to the point i can go multiple days without going to the bathroom if i dont take laxatives at this point so i have to sort of rely on it at this point. Inititially i was relying on stimulant laxatives like senna and bisocodyl until they stopped working recently so now i have to take huge amounts of osmotic laxative like atleast 27627 mg of magnesiam citrate for instance daily to have satisfying cleansing effect and im constantly anxious my body will get used to it at one point to the point they stop working like my other stimulant laxatives did. Even if i dont have the physical need to take laxatives, i still have the mental need to take it at this point to the point i cant sleep until i havent taken it. I dread traveling because of this, because i dont how much laxatives i will have to carry with me everywhere, how much discomfort i will have to face and for how long it will last me on the trip. I also cannot fell asleep until my medication doesnt start working because there have been many instances in the past where i took certain stimulant laxatives the night before, fell asleep peacefully but nothing happened the next day. I cant even go a day without laxatives at this point without feeling uncomfortably backed up like as if i havent gotten to bathroom for days.

This will be a TMI but Ive struggled with digestion issues for which doctors didnt found a cure apart from giving me generic laxatives or miralax most of my life so i have been abusing laxatives most of my life to the point i can go multiple days without going to the bathroom if i dont take laxatives at this point so i have to sort of rely on it at this point. Inititially i was relying on stimulant laxatives like senna and bisocodyl until they stopped working recently so now i have to take huge amounts of osmotic laxative like atleast 27627 mg of magnesiam citrate for instance daily to have satisfying cleansing effect and im constantly anxious my body will get used to it at one point to the point they stop working like my other stimulant laxatives did. Even if i dont have the physical need to take laxatives, i still have the mental need to take it at this point to the point i cant sleep until i havent taken it. I dread traveling because of this, because i dont how much laxatives i will have to carry with me everywhere, how much discomfort i will have to face and for how long it will last me on the trip. I also cannot fell asleep until my medication doesnt start working because there have been many instances in the past where i took certain stimulant laxatives the night before, fell asleep peacefully but nothing happened the next day. I cant even go a day without laxatives at this point without feeling uncomfortably backed up like as if i havent gotten to bathroom for days.

Apart from the repetitive boring sexual or you like a temu version of an [attractive celebrity], they seem to be having trouble coming up with anything else. Reading some of the comments was major suifuel.

I honestly dont have any interest in traveling atleast for now especially back to pakistan, they are saying for now it will be a 2 weeks trip but i feel like it will turn into a one month trip and they are trying to trap me, they also said i could even leave pakistan earlier alone but i feel like at the time, he will pressure to come back with my mother. I never enjoyed visiting there and if i had choice, i would prefer to never go back there especially as a girl, i especially dont want to travel with my mother since it will just be me and my mother this trip since she is already hard to be around.

My father already talks about sending me back to pakistan even though i dont want to go which makes me resentful sometimes, i do have a job here but unfortunately i have 1 and a half month summer break coming so they want me to go back to pakistan as they are like "what will you do at home?", initially i dont have any objections with going to pakistan this summer especially since its been nearly 3 years but i feel like if i were to agree to go now, my father will want me to visit pakistan every break from now on and will use that "what will you do at home" excuse every break which i dont want it to happen as well especially since i already hear him talking about wanting to send me back to pakistan, he is like go help your mom set up house over there and i feel like he is going to want me to do that every break from now on as well like just because you are retiring, does not mean im retiring as well, just because you have interest of going back to pakistan does not mean everyone does, atleast for now i already have no interest of settling there in the first place especially as a girl as im trying to get settle here as i do already have a job here as well, i just want to leave pakistan option for worst case scenarios like for instance if we lost job or got deported obviously. Id much rather even rot in boredom here staring at walls then travel to pakistan so im tired of them using this pressure that i will be bored here being convinced this will make me want to go to pakistan. Beside, im also having to deal with certain health issues which will cause me carry alot of medications everywhere not knowing for how long it will last me on trip which is also making hesitant about traveling in general currently. If i dont agree to go now, i will have to deal with emotional manipulation from my parents, they will remain mad over this, they would be like you are always at home or something like that.

On top of work stress, after a tiring day i have to come home to deal with my overly negative parents who yell at me over everything and make me feel im useless. Now yall would ask why i havent moved out, im still stuck in this stupid pathetic low paying job who are taking advantage of me and keep playing "temporary contract" game with me for the past nearly 2 years which im already starting to resent which couldnt even gaurantee me a sharing accomadation. I hate living with my parents, im tired of dealing with my mothers constant whining over everything. To start, ive told her multiple times i could iron my work clothes myself she doesnt need to but no, she keeps insisting forcefully i give her my clothes so becomes irritated when i dont give her my clothes like as if its some big fuckin obligation when i dont even want her to iron my clothes in the first place but she insists anyways since she has a habit of babying me and then complain i dont know how to do anything when she never has let me do even simple things around the house. And then later she acts like im forcing her to iron my clothes like its such a big fuckin chore when i literally told her multiple times in the past that i could iron my own clothes, she doesnt need to, i dont like her nasty half hanging ass crack come near my clothes anyways since she couldnt bother wearing a pant or pjs that actually fits around the house so i prefer to iron my own clothes so why does she still keep insisting me even though she'll complain about it later anyways? I can iron my own clothes, im a fuckin adult. Yall are same people that worry about me not knowing basic tasks and worry what my future non existing in laws would think of me meanwhile you dont even let me do simple things like ironing my own clothes. ok so if you insist so badly on wanting to iron my clothes then atleast dont bitch and whine later acting like im forcing her and its such a huge fuckin chore when i didnt even want you to iron my clothes in the first place and then i have to deal with her throwing a bitchfest over stupid stuff like the hanger being too fold which had my pants for instance and then yell me at me more when i get defensive over her yelling over stupid stuff like this by how im always offended over everything when shes the one who chose to throw a bitch fest over stupid stuff in the first place and i was already not in a good mood from work today. Like as fuckin usual, yell at me first create a huge scene and when i react or say something to defend myself then all of the sudden how im the sensitive crazy one. I also constantly have to see my fathers angry face like as if im a burden on him as well. I hate living with my parents, my mental health would be much better if i was living alone even if i was suffering financially if it meant not seeing their negativity just for one day, id much rather have them kick me out at this point. My parents also make me feel like im not capable of surviving without them. My parents have a habit of treating me like a baby most of my life and now complain why i dont know how to do anything, they dont even let me do simple things like standing at the bus stop alone in the morning for the bus and even get angry at me if i were try to insist slight independence. Its almost 0 percent possible being hopeful or even slightly optimistic in this house.

Even though i feel wrong complaining since this was the best i was able to find and i was lucky enough since in the gulf middle eastern country i live in, finding a job is already becoming difficult due to localisation and current geopolitical situation where alot of people have lost their jobs as well but ive been in this company for nearly 2 years and havent reached anywhere which is starting to make me resent my job. In the gulf country i live in, many companies dont even hide the fact that they pay people with western passports more than people with passports from poorer countries for the same jobs as they consider the latter people as low class in order to attract more westerners to their country. So in the company i work in which is a school, there are numerous western teachers that get paid more than teachers with non western passports like south asian for example.

Anyways, i work as an admin in which ive been stuck in the same 3 months temporary contract even though ive been in this company for nearly 2 years, i work as an admin at this school so whenever they could find a local for this position they would replace me immediately since im not a local and im in a generic non technical position which was normally reserved for locals of the country. Anyways in this job, im barely making equivalent to us 800 dollars per month with 0 insurance benefits, im starting to resent it as they give me huge amount of tasks for a low salary like that, and they would keep me under this "temporary contract" so they dont increase my salary even though ive been in this company for nearly 2 years now, i make joke of a salary. I also cant stand my boss at all, she tends to yell at me for other peoples mistakes which im starting to get sick of it.

For instance, once my job as admin is to also update students attendance daily on their system which i normally have to first get verification from the receptionist for that first. In these last few weeks since there are exams happening for high school students since we are nearing summer break, alot of students have been arriving late so the receptionist told me in the last few weeks someone else has been already updating them on the system i dont need to do it so i havent been doing for high school students as per her request. So later today, my boss yelled at me why i havent been doing the attendance for high school even though it was the receptionist that told me in the last few weeks, someone else has been doing them but it turns out, no one has been doing it so my boss started taunting me, i was told by my receptionist whose job was to verify me that someone else was doing them so how was this my fault? My boss has a tendancy of yelling at me for other peoples doing, she would also yell at me over other teachers shit since they are incompetent as fuck when it comes to computer stuff, once one teacher have already entered the attendance of some students which some parents have complains of it and i wasnt aware of it, but the boss yelled at me why did i do it even though it wasnt me, whenever i try to point this out politely the boss just tells me to not argue even though its her who is argueing and i was just trying to explain my straightforward point on the fact that it wasnt me. The internet is also already shit in cheap company so once the internet wasnt working at all, i tried changing my location multiple times in hopes the internet starts working so i wasnt able to complete one task at the time since the internet was not working, my boss threw a huge bitch fest and how this is no excuse over that even though it wasnt my fuckin fault this cheap shit company could barely afford internet.

I really cant stand my short tempered boss at all, i hate this short tempered bitter karen, i hate my incompetent coworkers, i hate everything about it, im so fuckin fed up, i feel so resentful. I would've had a bit more patience if this was my first year but it has been nearly 2 years. They want me to do their huge tasks on their important software, while at the same time wont give me access to their important software since they still want to play "temporary contract" game at the same time since they dont give temporary employees access to their certain important softwares so i have to login into my other receptionist account if i have to work on it.

Also once, during this whole war situation at my country, my school shifted to online at one point but there was still one task my boss wanted me to go to school physically to do it but the security didnt let me enter since i was a "temporary employee" and they were doing some sort of inspection at the time even though ive been here for nearly fuckin 2 years, i had to stand outside 1 hour for them to let me in. Not to mention my boss treats me like im a machine and a slave, she keeps emailing me tasks even after my working hours even though i was already working on it like a machine throughout the whole day. Im not getting paid enough to deal with this bs, im pretty sure even the cleaners make more than me at my school. There are some of my cousins who managed to find higher paying jobs then me in the same country, looking at them makes me feel even more resentful and my mother also makes me feel like if i was "smarter" like them, i wouldve gotten a higher paying job.

Its damaging my mental health. As time passes by and im still unmarried, my mother's taunting on stuff like my looks and small things like how i talk, sit, etc become worse. She like dictating over each and everything like how i do my makeup like for instance if one of the matchmaker woman tells her she doesnt like my eyeliner style, she would make me stop doing it even though before that she had no issues with it to the point she will even become angry over this. Like i dont give a fuck what some overweight matchmaking hag with outdated clown makeup skills has to say about my looks. Like she wants me to give up all of my likes for whatever the matchmaker lady says,She would also put me down for my looks from my face looking too "mature", my skin complexion being too dark, my smile looking too ugly, etc as i get more marriage proposal rejections, as time passes by as i get older, her tauntings get worse and more over micro things like for instance, how i sit, how i talk, etc. Also every once in a while, i would post an innocent pic of myself on my private insta account just for memories, nothing more. My mother would later then see the pic, heavily edit it, whiten my skin to the point i look like ghost and put heavy filters on it and tell me to post that instead, she would also tell me i didnt look good in my original pic. She has always done this everytime i decided to post something on my private insta to the point i had to block her at one point. She would also compare me to other prettier natural looking women by bringing up how all of those plain jane women didnt need to do all that in enhancing their looks and still got multiple marriage proposals unlike me. Anyways as time passes by as i still remain unmarried, her bullying me and dictating me on things like this will become worse. She thinks that by being harsh like this will "train" me into being perfect.

I especially cant stand the rishta culture at all, looking at my parents marriage sometimes makes me not want to get married even more where the man sometimes does not let his wife see her family even when her own father was dying which happened in my parent's case. Im tired of getting judged for and dictated over everything, these overweight matchmaking hags with makeup skills of a clown have some nerve judging younger women for each and every tiny thing for potential rishta, they demand a perfect plain jane submissive pious hijabi beautiful women with a face of emma watson who doesnt talk back while at the same time, discourage us from doing anything that could possibly enhance our looks before marriage as they prefer us being "simple" or plain jane in their words like it makes no sense to me at all. Ive never seen this sort of contradiction in other cultures. You get judged for each and everything as a woman especially from how you look, how you talk, how you do your makeup, how your facial features look, how you smile, how you sit, etc to the point it just becomes suffocating, like you cant have your own identity and likes, you are always expected to give up your likes or identity in according to what the rishta people would like and im sick of it, if you were to do anything outisde of what they expect from you or if you have your own say in something, they see it as you being "rebellious" or stubborn immediately if you dont just blindly follow them in everything. Before marriage, they want to control you and expect you to get married to someone just as controlling and thats considered a huge accomplishment for them, being a pakistani woman feels like a never ending cage. As time passes by as i get older and still remain unmarried, my mother's taunting and bullying me on stuff like this will only get worse.

Sometimes i try to do stuff to distract from my looks or make me help accept it, it still never works. For instance, sometimes i will try getting into a new hobby, try a new haircut, try a new makeup routine, new outfit, etc to help me cope i suppose, but it still never helps. Nothing can help my unfortunate inbred looks, im ugly no matter what i do so i might as well lay down and rot. im tired of normies pretending being ugly is a choice and just simple grooming can help everyone. I get even more depressed when i see how some men speak honestly about women they find ugly anonymously on some forums. My looks have made me miserable most of my life. I get even more triggered when i see the concept of "love at first sight" or how people develop crushes because its just another proof looks are all that matters, you mostly fell in love with someone based on their looks before getting to know them, not their personality. Not even arranged marriages can save me, both the mothers and their sons want someone beautiful, sometimes my face is too harsh masculine, sometimes my skin complexion is too dark, sometimes i look older than my age, sometimes my jawline is too recessed, etc. not even my own mother would want someone ugly for my brother so why would others, my mother constantly comments on other womens' looks whether they are pretty enough for my brother so i could only imagine what others would think of me. My looks have been nothing but a liability in my life.

Nothing will ever help my shit inbred looks due to genetics so please dont give me typical normie "just go to gym, do makeup, get a haircut,etc" advice or how being ugly is a choice, ive tried all of those things and none of those things will help if you are truly unfortunate looking. Ive tried posting my face on subreddits like amiugly in the past asking for advice, i only got ignored with down votesonce again fully confirming my ugliness, like imagine being ugly to the point people immediately want to down vote when they see your face. To start with makeup, ive gotten my makeup done by top professional makeup artists for some events, even then i was just ugly and as inbred looking, ive even gotten you are wearing too much makeup, how its not helping, or even some "lipstick on pig" jokes, meanwhile before i started wearing makeup, i always got told to cover my ugly face with makeup as a joke. For hairstyles, ive tried every hairstyles for women out there and none of them helped due to my shit deformed face shape to the point no matter which hairstyle i had, i was always told to change it. There are people who can put as much effort into their looks through basic grooming and they will still never be conventionally attractive or still be unfortunate looking due to certain unchangeable features due to genetics like skull shape, bones structure, eye distance, etc for instance and its ok to admit that, im one of those people. I dont even have a face that only a mother could love as my mother has been the only one in family brutally honest to admit my looks shortcoming, sometimes a tad too honest. Ive gotten ton of marriage proposal rejections due to my hideous inbred caveman face, both the mothers and their sons want someone beautiful as their wife. There is just 0 reedamable traits in me.

Like i hate everyone equally at this point, i couldnt care less about people, i couldnt care less about politics anymore even if it were to effect me because at the end of the day, people are people everywhere on the planet and objectively ugly women are seen the same everywhere on the planet no matter which race, religion,etc. So why should i care about those who would scoff at me or hate me for being ugly? Ive gotten stared at with disgusted looks, mocked, bullied, ostracised, etc. no matter where i went on the planet so yes, people are the same everywhere. If you are objectively beautiful then you would be considered beautiful everywhere on the planet and if you were objectively ugly, you would be considered ugly everywhere as well.

Because smiling makes my already shitty small deeply sunken sleepy asymmetrical eyes look even more shittier and asymmetrical as smiling just closes them up so i have to try forcefully open my eyes up so they dont close in photos which ends up looking like i smelled something bad instead, makes me look drunk and my face look even more fatter so im tired of getting forced to smile in photos or shamed when i dont smile, i also have a naturally narrow palette and thick fat lips so smiling makes me look even weirder. Im cursed with a naturally resting bitch face so when i dont smile, i look angry all the time instead so i get accused of being in a bad mood all the time even when im not and have been accused of looking unfriendly just because of my rbf mainly because of my extremely low brows and downwards mouth which gives me that permanent grumpy look.

I wish i got terminal illness or something and died cause i cant live miserably in this ugly face anymore and being hated on for it. Ive suffered alot in life because of this. I wish to die so i could possibly reincarnate as a pretty girl in my next life. Nothing can fix my face unless i go through facial restructuring surgery or something, idk. I just cant bear being unwanted and disgusting to men anymore. Its so humiliating being this ugly to the point people end up how did you even end up with messed up genetics especially when both of your parents look normal. Now to the lurking men who are going to accuse me of just having extremely high standards, im willing to be with the most ugliest, shortest, poorest, etc man in the world if only they gave me a chance.

She says everything a man wants to hear, she tends to defend men at all costs to the point she is willing to throw other conservative women under the bus as well who are actually married unlike her and even try justifying men's crimes and cheating as well yet but still no man has picked her. I have a feeling its most likely because she does not look conventionally attractive and feminine even if shes not ugly otherwise she wouldve already have been married with children like these other more conventionally attractive "tradwife" influencers especially with the viewpoints she has and she is nearly 30. Men say she is everything we want yet ive yet to see a man actually pick her. Men are most likely to even pick those raging "feminist untraditional, non virgin, misandrists" or whatever they claim to hate as long as she is pretty over an ugly women who may be traditional, conservative, defend them more, virgin, modest, good mother, etc. I even once saw a poll on this on some lonely mens forum, the question was asking would you rather choose an ugly woman who is very traditional, good mother, good cook, nice, etc or an attractive women who is the complete opposite, vast majority chose the latter.

Ive done so many things in life in past which i regret now, i realized at the point that i was wrong when it was too late. Ive missed so many opportunities, have lost so many connections which i could've build, have wasted so many young years, and have made so many wrong decisions which sort of ruined my life permanently. Now i constantly feel sad even though there is no point of it and time will never move back.

Its like people like us have nowhere to go. Why are people so shocked to see pakistanis being critical of their own country, i mean shouldnt it be obvious based on the way its going, im pretty sure all of them could see that as well. On one hand, since there is no identity outside of islam for pakistan formation, people get shocked to see when not all pakistanis are muslim or think they dont exist so when you are critical of islam as a pakistani, people would even think you are not pakistani like there is no point of being pakistani if you are not muslim. For instance, when i tried pointing out hypocrisy of numerous overseas pakistanis ive come across who want shariah law in pakistan meanwhile they are sitting in secular west, i got accused of being an indian troll like God forbid you are critical of this failed state and its shit culture as a pakistani yourself. On numerous instances, ive tried sharing frustrations i have with this country and its culture online which i have suffered from as well but again i got accused of being an indian troll. Ive seen numerous people outside this sub accuse this sub as well of being full of "indians larping as pakistani" trying to make the country or islam look bad meanwhile for us exmuslim pakistani, this is the only place we have, and we dont even have to do that. Im pretty sure pakistan already does a good job of making itself look bad on its own already.