u/No-Security7188

this is not me trying to victimize myself, if it comes off like that know it wasn't my intention. for context, I've sat with this question of "am I a good or bad person" for as long as I can remember. with every negative situation, it either becomes proof that I am or a court case in my head on whether I'm in the wrong or something/someone else. I don't know why I do this, everything is a court case in my head.

I don't have bad intentions with anything I do, not consciously. it's not about crimes or anything by the way, it's just about other people. I was never someone who could handle a lot of friends, I always had one best friend. someone who I was super close to, it made it easier to put all my energy (that I had no control over) into one person rather then loads of people. I always said as a child, friends and family meant more to me than boyfriends and stuff. I truly did want to just have friends.

throughout the years, and with reflection, I've noticed a common denominator. I am the one who ends up alone. I spend restless nights trying to remember friendship breakups, how they actually ended. a lot of them, I can't remember at all. the ones I can, they were either because I felt insecure, sometimes I was manipulated, I had no boundaries and got tired of being the therapist friend, I got overly irritated at them for reasons I dont know, typical high school things. the point here is, I could get past all this. but im alone, and that means something. I have no one now. I entered a deep depression 2 years ago, and having no one has made it harder.

I guess my question is, is how do you know you're a bad person. I want to be surrounded by people, I want to know if im hurting someone. if I knew, I would change it. every friendship that has ended, I've never been told why. sometimes it was just them pulling away, or a big fight because I felt left out (I was insecure so probably why). when I see tiktoks of people say, "you know someones a bad person when every friendship they've had, has ended them up being alone while the other people have friends". which is true for me. they have friends now, I don't. isn't that saying something?

I'm wondering what is the safest way to backup photos and videos. I have years worth of photos just laying in google photos, but after reading up on peoples experiences with google photos, it's made me anxious. I do have a sandisk (I forget the GB) usb stick, although idk if it's good or reliable. I dont know much about storage in general so thanks!

idk thought this was a bit weird but i was recommending this show to my friend and she just says “i don’t watch things people recommend”. what would u call this, she’s always recommending me stuff so i wanted to return the favour. guess i wont again

i don’t know how to word this, but if you asked the people in my life they’d probably say otherwise which just conflicts me even more. i’ve been in my head for months with this guilt, i analyse everything i do or think and say to the point where i can’t decide what is what anymore.

i’ve been struggling with shit (mentally) all my life, although i’ve never seek help. it’s nauseating to me i don’t know how else to explain it. it’s pathetic i know. i’ve lost countless friends, i’ve had to drop out of college twice, i lost my part time job, i have no one. all these bad things in my life, and my mind just uses it as proof that im a bad person. majority of the friends i lost was due to various reasons, i spend my time trying to understand where i went wrong. maybe what they did wasn’t big, maybe it was my humour (which is a big thing to me that indicates im a bad person, i’ll elaborate in a second), maybe im not unlikeable. because at some point in reflection of friendships specifically, the common denominator is me.

when i deeply think about it, my humour alarms me. people tell me im naturally witty and funny, but at the same time emotionally mature and smart. but in my head, it doesn’t make sense. my humour is just insulting banter, in my country it’s really common idk how else to explain it. when me and my friends “banter”, it’s very surface level insults but nonetheless insults. i’ve just been really reflecting on it, and it makes me a bad person. although i absolutely do not mean to hurt the other person, and the “banter” is received by others “well”?, even so. so when people do something to me that’s bad, i can excuse it because technically i’ve done something bad too. but it’s a joke, but it’s not.

i don’t know if this makes sense lol. i’ve been trying to rattle it in my head for months. i’ve become so dependant on humour as a coping mechanism that i’ll use it to mask if im hurt. i’ll joke about them doing something that hurt me that they did and then cover my tracks with saying i was joking. idk what u call this but it’s a fucking pain.

my self-esteem is destroyed, so that doesn’t help. i just villainise myself to badly, in actuality i don’t think im a bad person, but every bit of proof my brain can find it latches and centres it around me being an awful being. i constantly journal to figure out if i am, i constantly check in with others to see if im hurting them and they shockingly say no. but why. why am i like this. with barely any friends and in a shitty place in my life. i’m going through the worst time in my life, surely there’s a reason for that. and all i can think of is im a bad person. because why else is this happening.

i’m so unbelievably irritable. i feel bad saying this, but even talking to people nowadays pisses me off. it actually aches to say that cause i know it’s horrible but i can’t help it. even if my parents try talk to me, they’re always worried about me nowadays, all i feel is anger. i just wanna be left alone but i also don’t. i’m just so tired idk how to explain it.

i hurt my family by not getting better, i don’t eat much and my sleep is fucked. they tell me i just look sick and awful. i push my friends away because it just never feels like im worthy, that in comparison to how i would do things they don’t. and i read too much into things and get scared of rejection so i project and fight with them.

i’ve been thinking of starting therapy because i pride myself in being aware of my feelings and behaviours but at the same time, im so overwhelmed. so much is wrong. idk where to start and my mind just seems to have it out for me. i just want to be a better person, and i want to stop feeling so conflicted and indecisive about simple things.

I started the promised Neverland about a week ago, the first season literally had a chokehold on me. I absolutely loved it. the pacing, the twists, everything. I was genuinely pinning it as one of the best animes ive watched in a while. and then I started the second season, and I just sat through a lot of it saying "what is even happening". idk what the general consensus is about it so maybe im being dramatic as ive not looked up opinions on it because ive just finished it, but what the hell im so disappointed. it felt insanely rushed, a lot of things were just never brought up again. I was expecting a third season too but somehow was all wrapped up in 11 episodes and one of the episodes being a random recap? and the ending was just a slideshow? im so disappointed

the first season was an absolute masterpiece though.

i love asking these types of questions. i’m currently taking a gap year and have struggled badly the past 2 years feeling as though i’ve missed out of my twenties now. just need a bit of motivation and hard love.

might sound like a silly question because i do know how, but idk how to explain what i want to ask. i grew up being a therapist friend, people always came to me with their problems, and people always complimented me on how good at “being there” and “saying the right things” when someone’s upset.

but this past year i developed my own issues, i also severely got burned out not just emotionally but in every aspect of my life. i had to isolate myself from people because i couldn’t ignore my shit anymore and the idea of “comforting” someone was so daunting and draining. not because it felt like a burden, but because i didn’t know what to say anymore.

but i recently have started socialising again, and ive learned to keep my shit to myself in a journal and the odd time i’ll vent about it and whatever. but the friends i have just go on about it. i feel awful saying this, because i know what it’s like to be suffering and just wanting someone to care and give you a pity talk. but it’s so draining, before i would be able to ignore how burned out i was getting but it’s like i have limits on myself. when it hits that limit, i genuinely get exhausted so quickly and start to fall asleep which makes me feel worse.

it’s not an issue of me not caring about my friends or anyone, it’s an issue of not being able to be there the way they probably are used to me being there. i just get so tired and drained. i don’t even know what to say when someone’s upset now and i feel like an awful person for it.

any recs are welcome!

i adore these two songs so much, i have them on vinyl but still wish he’d release officially. i had hopes for a deluxe for hut but im not sure if he will release one. HUT is definitely up there with my fav albums by him.

tokyo ghoul has one of the most hated anime adaptation for understandable reasons, but my question is, is there any possibility another studio would pick it up and remake it in line with the manga?

example, I am thinking of pushing away from my friend due to many issues I have been debating over the past few months, but ultimately ill end up alone as I have no other friends due to isolation. but often or not, when I do things that are "right" for me, I often feel so much worse then if I just shoved down my emotions and kept doing what I was doing. it makes me think im making the wrong decision