u/Pleasant-Hyena9030

Like sorry that they a complete stranger only get to engage with what I’m saying in the current discussion thread we’re in (that is to be honest the only relevant information they need) and they don’t get to stalk through my whole history to find dirt

Also get anxious about upsetting people so almost seem like a parody of lefty people by adding a lot of content warnings that don’t always need to be there. Now had someone get really angry at me over I guess a badly written post.

He was also really mad at me over me having my post history hidden. I have to accept people are wary of those who choose to hide, but at the same time I like privacy cos I hate when people stalk through my profile to one up me in an argument and there are some very rabid stans in some subreddits I’m in who could get really mad if they find I’ve posted about not liking a YouTuber they like and stuff

I have said ‘I have autism it makes me miscommunicate’ it’s had people say I’m using it as an excuse, or that what I’ve struggled with isn’t really a symptom of autism. To be fair some things probably aren’t all linked to autism. I should read more, it will probably make my writing clearer for instance. Being gen Z and maybe only really knowing a very post post ironic world probably impacts me and I’m not always self aware about it

Idk like a part of me is worrying about who I am as a person, which probably isn’t a good thought pattern to get into cos it almost ruined my life before I started taking citalopram

But idk maybe I can excuse what I was like four years ago cos I did uni over the pandemic, so I had two years of barely interacting with people and lost all the social skills I barely had to begin with and we were all lonely and very reliant on group chats so I’d be quite spammy about my trauma and opinions that I now no longer stand with, or still do but regret dumping them (e.g. I said I think I’m fine with a future that detects autism in foetal development if it’s a personal choice and not mandatory cos some parents cannot cope with having an autistic kid… it’s just such a dicey topic especially seeming as most of my friends from uni were also neurodivergent like me. I do think ppl downplay comorbidities with epilepsy in high needs autism, and depression so it’s not always necessarily a parent being anti different neurotypes and instead maybe thinking ‘can I provide this kid with a good quality of life?’
(Though I have seen posts by people who seem to hate their autistic kids and part of me idk, feels sad about kids born into that)
It’s definitely far too complicated though, there is already a lot of ableist propaganda out there and I guess I’m better at seeing that complexity now that I’m older… albeit maybe just from the consequences of running my mouth too much. The way I approached it was I got very defensive when ppl called me pro eugenics and almost acted like a Kamakazi pilot by going ‘you know what yeah, I don’t like the bulbous nose my dad gave me’, just a stupid and bad thing to say.

That’s only one example of me being worse than a lot of the 22 year olds I’m meeting who tbf I’ve not spent a lot of time with tho. I think part of it is we’re further from the pandemic so they’re not talking in group chats a lot. I didn’t do a master’s degree at their age partly cos I did my undergrad after dropping out of a foundation degree and then being a depressed NEET for over a year. Then I did the Masters after a year or two of looking for work, not really getting anywhere, and happening to be privileged and having parents who said they don’t mind paying for a Master’s that seems to be the degree about exactly what I want to do with life. Took a while to figure out what I want

It does feel like my development is genuinely slower than most people’s and maybe I’m now out of pace with the world as I’ve never been waged (volunteer, which is experience, but yeah)

Maybe of the more eerie and dystopian variety

Like idk why Scientology used that video of that journalist ‘crashing out’ as the kids say to claim they have won and it maybe working for some people. To me I see a journalist who had his buttons pressed

I felt more sorry for ‘big red’ than anything else. And it’s scary how a moment can be a malicious meme until the end of time