u/RandomLifeUnit-05

I'm diagnosed autistic, cPTSD, dissociative identity disorder, social phobia, depression/anxiety, and I get panic attacks.

I'm wondering if AVPD might fit where I'm at right now.

I've had a really rough time of it last 5 years. I struggle to make friendships, and my husband and kids and I moved to a small town for work. But the people here do not welcome outsiders and will never treat us like one of their own.

I shut down, really. I don't have any in-person friends for as long as we've been here. I have a few acquaintances. My husband is good at making friends with people, and even he has struggled.

Anyway, over this time period my social phobia has been so much worse. I feel I've given up, I'm not even trying anymore.

I do struggle in the extreme with my self worth and do relate to the criteria for AVPD.

I could ask my therapist but I don't really want to know. My subconscious will use it as more fuel for the fire to prove how broken I am.

But asking here, I can internally maintain that it's not a professional opinion, therefore less damaging.

I'm diagnosed autistic, cPTSD, dissociative identity disorder, social phobia, depression/anxiety, and I get panic attacks.

I'm wondering if AVPD might fit where I'm at right now.

I've had a really rough time of it last 5 years. I struggle to make friendships, and my husband and kids and I moved to a small town for work. But the people here do not welcome outsiders and will never treat us like one of their own.

I shut down, really. I don't have any in-person friends for as long as we've been here. I have a few acquaintances. My husband is good at making friends with people, and even he has struggled.

Anyway, over this time period my social phobia has been so much worse. I feel I've given up, I'm not even trying anymore.

I do struggle in the extreme with my self worth and do relate to the criteria for AVPD.

I could ask my therapist but I don't really want to know. My subconscious will use it as more fuel for the fire to prove how broken I am.

But asking here, I can internally maintain that it's not a professional opinion, therefore less damaging.

I've found a manufacturer program that brings the cost down to $200 a month, but that's still a big nope from me.

Does anyone know of any other programs for Trintellix?

I essentially do not have insurance-- I have "family planning" Medicaid which does not cover meds.

I'm autistic. When I asked my therapist to be evaluated for ADHD, she had me fill out a questionnaire. I can't remember all the childhood questions, but there were more than a few that my answer was, "I would never have been allowed to do that."

My mother has excommunicated me from her life so she wouldn't be able to answer any of these.

She believed ADHD was nothing more than a lack of discipline and would have beaten any unwanted behaviors out of me.

She also used withholding dinner to force me to do things like finish my math homework for example.

I was told I don't have ADHD. But I have to wonder, can I really truly be accurately evaluated for it if I can't really answer the questions and family members can't chime in?

Someone suggested in a comment that some Christians believe if their child turns away from Christ and refuses to repent, that they should basically turn their back on that child.

Are there some Christians that believe this?

I'm wondering if it would explain why my mom and sister cut me so thoroughly out of their lives-- other than the fact my mother is abusive and didn't like me getting mad about it. And my sister just follows whatever my mother does.

The only verses I can think of that remotely support this are 1 Cor 5 "Hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord. Your boasting is not good. Don’t you know that a little yeast leavens the whole batch of dough? Get rid of the old yeast, so that you may be a new unleavened batch—as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed. (...) 'Expel the wicked person from among you.'"

I'm worried for the guy. Could this go sideways for him? His cousin talked it up to him and Google is making me nervous.

This is a topic I haven't much discussed with her. I try to word it nicely but my inside thoughts about myself are really hateful and rooted in years of childhood verbal abuse.

If I say those things out loud, I worry it will be hard for my therapist to hear.

Are there things we just don't discuss with our therapists?

I'm curious for med suggestions for treatment resistant depression. Please send me to the appropriate sub if this is not it.

44F, 200lbs, autistic, multiple health issues and mental health issues. Tachycardia (on atenolol), migraines (imitrex as needed), hypothyroid and adrenal insufficiency (on replacement meds). Perimenopause, on Covaryx and progesterone.

cPTSD, depression, social phobia, DID.

I'm on Wellbutrin 100mg, but can't go higher because it makes the tachycardia act up. Also on Lamictal, 25mg but any higher and I feel zero motivation for life.

I'm underinsured so I pay for meds out of pocket, this can pose a problem as to what I can reasonably try.

I'm being referred out to a psychiatrist (was seeing an NP psych before), and am just looking for any recommendations for any outside-the-box or off label meds that I could suggest to my next psych, whenever I get set up with someone.

I've tried and failed, due to side effects:

Amitriptyline, Nortriptyline, Celexa, Lexapro, Doxepin, Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Pristiq, Effexor, Viibryd, Abilify, Latuda, Seroquil.

Have tried Buspar for anxiety/panic attacks and it did nothing. Have tried Prazosin for my PTSD but it made the depression worse.

Thoughts welcome.

I'm wondering if this is an autistic thing or a trauma thing for me.

My husband has been gone 10 days on vacation. He's due back Sunday.

I'm at the point of the absence where my brain decides the person is not coming back and just learns to get along without them in my life.

When my husband returns, I'll be anxious and feel disconnected from him, and have to work out how to re-integrate him (emotionally/psychologically) into my life.

He's had lots of times of being gone long stretches in our 18 year marriage, like when he used to do long haul trucking.

If I'm mostly depressed due to my life situation and I can't change it, can antidepressants even help that?

I have a theory that they don't, because I've tried so many and they don't do much at all for me.

For me I had preexisting trauma I didn't know about, so there is that. I was also undiagnosed and still heavily masking when my kids were babies.

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I was extremely unsupported as well, no family around to help, husband was a poor support and claimed the babies just wanted me because he didn't know what to do with them. He also refused to change poopy diapers. So I basically did everything while being undiagnosed for autism AND cPTSD.

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My kids are now 10, 13 and 16 and you could not *pay* me to do baby years over again. Even now, if I hear a random baby cry in a store, I get an instant anxiety response.

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I lost something of myself in those years and I'm not sure I ever recovered.

Or at least, so it seems to me. Could Pandorans somehow subconsciously value looks when seeking out leadership?

Is there a way to make peace with not feeling like I'll ever be able to heal?

I feel like I often need to let go of the idea of healing. I want to fix my broken inner self, but perhaps I should learn to let it go. Even my therapist has commented on how driven I am. I think she's trying to tell me to chill a bit on it, without actually coming out and saying it.

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I have to make peace with the idea that I may never be what I wish I could be, vibrant and energetic, happy, outgoing. I may always be like this and maybe I have to let go of some more dreams.

I'm in therapy. Have been for a long time.

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A lot of my issues are abandonment issues. And I don't know if they can be fixed. I just can't trust anyone deeply enough to be able to heal. It's too risky.

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I also have a lot of issues with religious abuse and progamming. Plus medical trauma.

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I feel like I need to do something, I need to fix this, I'm hurting too much inside. But there never seems to be any fix other than to endure it.

I pulled away from Christianity starting 10+ years ago. 4 years ago I officially became an ex-Christian.

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Now I'm trying to work through religious trauma and face up to the childhood abuse I didn't realize I had.

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Some days, I feel like I should just go back to my old beliefs. Like a dog returns to its vomit, ha ha.

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I feel like this life of trying to deconstruct and trying to fight my way out of cult programming is no better. I don't feel relief or freedom. I don't feel fulfilment or satisfaction.

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I can only guess as to why, but I think it's two things...the other system who is our friend is triggered when we pull away, which we inevitably do when we're triggered or really struggling. We shut down. This feels like abandonment to them.

The other issue I think is that they are growing and healing and we're not. We're stuck with an internal cycle of abuse and no resolution in sight. We're down and out and they are moving up and doing things with their other friends.

I think at this point it's just that there isn't enough benefit for them for the relationship. And I understand that.

It's hard to know for sure if one of mine may have been hurtful to them. I guess I can only ask.

I dunno, mostly just a vent here and trying to figure it out. It's really hard to keep losing friends.

Hello lovelies,

I'm chronically ill, in perimenopause, and I don't have the energy to consider changing my diet. I am overweight, likely due to multiple factors including medications, perimenopause, and multiple endocrine issues.

I feel like every time I look at my body in the mirror, I am grieving the loss of my health and my youth.

My body disgusts me. There's also PTSD, child abuse and medical trauma involved in that feeling. It also feels as if my body has betrayed me when it comes to losses from illness.

Is there any point to even trying to make peace when my body is full of landmines and loss?

I have been deeply indoctrinated from my earliest memories.

I'm no longer a Christian, but I still have so much self loathing and shame due to being autistic, gender-noncomforming, and disabled.

Internally there is still the thought, how do I **know** the principles I was raised on are wrong?

Even if that ideology is abusive and hurtful, who's to say it isn't true? Things don't stop being true just because they hurt. Abuse/oppression is a normal part of humanity, unfortunately, and society supports it as well. So I find it hard to really truly undo the deepest foundations of my beliefs. There's always the thought in the back of my mind...what if it's true?

Logic says it's not, that it's just an abusive form of coercion and control. And I understand that from an intellectual point of view. But I still find it difficult to disprove the part of me that still believes.

Plus, another thought I have is this. Even if coercive control systems are wrong, does that fact really matter if they're in force for the masses? Does might make right?