u/rothmal

Creeper drove up in a pedo van, calling himself CookFoot, demanding to know where one of our elder Rats was slumming. Told him to fuck off! We were about to smoke a joint and get some Joe's Pizza after a long day of slinging Black Tar; I didn't have time for this nerd.

Started walking away when the dude screamed something about his girlfriend and kicked Grid from behind. Told him he fucked up and took out a switchblade and cut him a few times; Skittles started hitting him with a baseball bat. He then gets in the fetal position, and all of Rats kick him like he's a piñata. Fucking loser! All he had on him was $23 and these Headshots. At least we got a free Pizza out of it.

(OOC: In my headcanon, r/henchlife is semi-encrypted. I think it's ridiculous that a bunch of people would openly talk about committing crimes; instead, we're all on r/VacuumCleanersClub, it being an open secret that this is the real r/henchlife amongst goons, rogues, and a few capes. With civilians just seeing another heated debate on which vacuum is the best)

Hi, guys! Let me introduce myself. I am KickFoot, who will clean up East End with my kicks!!!

I was just a normal guy until two weeks ago; this local street gang stole my girlfriend. I mean, she wasn't really my girlfriend, but she would have been once I got the courage to talk to her; she would have been like putty in my hands. This street gang calls themselves The Rats, and they like to do/sell drugs, do graffiti, and listen to punk.

I saw them hanging at the arcade, and one of them was forcing my future girlfriend to do all sorts of depraved acts on him; she was kissing/licking him all over and had her hand on his pants over his no-no parts. I even overheard her tell him all the sexual stuff she was going to do once they got back to her pad. Clearly, they have my princess brainwashed!!!

I got so emotional that I ran a few blocks to clear my head. I wasn't crying, by the way. Fate would have it that I stumbled across this ancient dojo run by Sensei Phil. This must have been destiny, because Sensei Phil told me I had great potential and asked me how much money I had. I told him $26,942.32, saved up from my bar mitzvah money and working summer jobs to save up for medical school.

Turns out that was the exact amount for his most advanced class; there was no way this could have been a coincidence. I wired Sensei Phil the money to one of his offshore accounts, and he taught me how to kick and gave me these kung fu robes. The next day I went back to the dojo, only to find it swarmed by IRS agents. The Rats must have known I was after them because they framed Sensei Phil for tax fraud and made him flee the country. Lucky for me, I feel like Sensei Phil taught me everything he knew in his advanced class.

I vowed that I'd avenge Sensei Phil and save my future girlfriend, who's going to be all over me once she sees my cool kung fu moves. I borrowed my uncle's work van and turned her into my majestic steed that will be called "RatTrap" in my quest to rid the streets of vermin. They're going to be pissing their pants when they face KickFoot!!!

Real estate developer Crawford Chudwell was rushed to the emergency room last night after consuming a dozen Joker Tacos at Pescado Tacos. Crawford Chudwell died this morning in intensive care. Gotham FSIS(Food Safety and Inspection Service) warns non-East End residents to eat Joker fish in moderation until their bodies adapt to the East End water. *Newscaster drinks a translucent glass of water with some black flakes. Refreshing.

In related news, protesters are thrilled as talks of turning an abandoned button factory into luxury apartments have ended. We asked East End residents for their thoughts on the recent set of events.

I think it's great! I live in that factory and would have been out on the streets, not to mention I would have had to find new Heroin a dealer - Roshan Robles

What a bitch! Last week we threw a taco party for some prospective new members, and one of them ended up in a coma. Turns out he was DEA. If you want to know who really is from East End, just take them out for tacos.- Zip(Rat Member)

Yuppie F#&k got what was coming to him. Thinking he could come to the East End and throw his money around like he owns the place. I'm a small business owner who would have been displaced by these apartment buildings. I don't have the kind of girls in my stable for that kind of clientele. I sell services to working people like longshoremen, not fancy folks. - Frankie Galloway

Sam Cola, Head of the East End Department of Water & Power, can be seen drinking a clear, crisp, cool glass of water as he announces the highest East End water quality in 30 years. Treated water discharge into the river viscous flow has also been upgraded from thick molasses to hearty stew.

Residents have been thrilled with the changes.

I feel like one of those rich folks in Gotham Heights, drinking this fancy water. It's so clear that you can see the flavor flakes. - Jimmy Spoon

Can't wait to take my kids swimming in the East End pond; last time it took me 20 minutes to get my little girl unstuck from the water, this water is so much better it barely sticks to you. - Lisa Salt

Best news I've heard since that sick f@#k Nightstriker broke every bone in my husband's body, at least this water will be easier for him to swallow - Fred Bell

My general idea for the sub is that this is going to be a place where you can post pre-purge r/EARTH25 Batman content that's not in the DCU. Form an NPR-like radio station where the hosts unknowingly interview rogues or goofy posts like [r/CapesAndBuns].

Also, I'm playing around with the idea that most of the RP will take place in East End, a gentrifying borough that has a lot of tension as rich yuppies are moving into the area, making it more expensive for the previous people. I feel like there's a lot of RP potential; could role-play as goons, hipsters, street vendors, drunk cops, etc. Maybe someone gets priced out of their apartment because of trust-fund kids moving into the area and has to resort to henching. Or someone could be pissed off because they turned Tony's Gotham Dogs into an overpriced cafe, or a D-list villain asking how to get body odor out of your suit.

It's cool if you want to post content like Star City posts, but it's primarily going to revolve around the borough and the city. A lot of this might change as the sub grows, as we get a better idea of what everyone wants this place to be.

My vision is that this place is going to be where people can build on top of other people's RP, making the place feel more alive. Maybe someone posts in [r/henchlife] how they rammed a bunch of cars trying to flee Batman, and another guy could make a post about losing his Job because he didn't have money to fix his car and had no way to get to work.

I'm also looking for people who want to be mods and am open to any suggestions.

Check it out here: r/GothamEastEnd

He probed me when I was walking home from the bar!!! The monster took me back to his spaceship and did all sorts of things to me that bring me to tears thinking about them. He's also been probing my wife; I keep finding his underwear around the house, and he's been drinking my milk!!!

I heard somewhere that he's weak to lead, so I've been putting the stuff in my milk. It must have pissed him off that he couldn't enjoy my milk after probing my wife, because he took it out on my best friend by poisoning him.

We need to stop this monster!!! I saw on the news he has some lair in the Arctic, probaly were he likes to probe his victims.

(OOC: In my head canon, r/henchlife is semi-encrypted. I think it's ridiculous that a bunch of people would openly talk about committing crimes; instead, we're all on r/VacuumCleanersClub, where it's an open secret that this is the real r/henchlife amongst goons, rogues, and a few capes. With civilians just seeing another heated debate on which vacuum is the best)

I meet up with this dude through my cousin; he's some sort of writer. Wrote a book about the history of condiments or something. He shows me this crazy looking purple pepper and gives me like 200 mini sauce bottles. Tells me to give out a few samples at my spot and see what happens. I gave out like 30 or 40 of them and went out to the club with my boys.

I come back to this massive line; fucking fiends were fighting to give me everything they had. I could have told them to pull out their silver fillings. They even had bidding wars on who was going to get the next bottle. Guys, I made more cash in 30 minutes than I made all of last year. And the best part is that the cops can't do anything about it; all I'm doing is selling hot sauce.

So who's in?

Here's mine: Disney's Punk High School! Now show me yours; I need something to distract me from my shitty wage slave job.

Edit: Fuck, I messed up the meme.

Host: We at CAB-Radio would like to address last week's live caller and the appalling remarks he made to our guest, Mr. Oswald Cobblepot. I was disgusted with your derogatory slur towards our guest, who was born with Phocomelia. That kind of hatred for the disabled will not be tolerated in our community. Now back to our program.

*Smooth Jazz Intro*

Host: On today's segment of Getting to Know Your Citizens, we interview local author Buddy Standler on his new book Herbs, Fermentation, and Jars: An anthropological look at condiments from the discovery of Soy sauce during the Han dynasty to the Worcestershire Bros. It's a pleasure to have you on our show.

Buddy Standler: Thank you, and it makes me so sad that we still live in a world with people as despicable as that caller last week. After all that man's been through and the challenges he overcame, to still be attacked for the way he was born.

Host: It was very regrettable. So tell us about this book and why the focus on condiments?

Buddy Standler: My book is about the history of the condiments different cultures have put on their food, and I feel you can tell a lot about a society with the kinds of food they eat, but what they put atop their food gives you a glimpse into their soul.

Host: And anthropology wasn't your first calling?

Buddy Standler: That's right, my major in Gotham U was applied Mechanical Engineering in Fluid Dynamics, then I went through this phase where I thought I could do stand-up; I was terrible. After that, I got drunk one night after a show and was at this hot dog stand and saw all the different kinds of toppings people were putting on their hot dogs, and something just kind of sparked in me, and since then I've been obsessed with sauces.

Host: And so many interesting accounts in the book; I loved the one about Archduke Heinrich Dijon and his scandalous affair with Frieda Frankfurter. And you brought some homemade sauces with you today.

Buddy Standler: This bottle here is made from a rare pepper that only grows deep in the Amazon forest called a Morado Abyss Fang. Warriors from the obsidian tribe would consume this as a rite of passage; its heat is so intense that it stops the brain from sending signals to the muscles and activates the amygdala, the fear center, making you hallucinate your worst nightmares.

Host: So a bit spicy.

Buddy Standler: Oh, yes. But don't worry, I brought some sauces that might be more to your liking.

*Smooth Jazz Outro*

Host: That was Buddy Standler, author of Herbs, Fermentation, and Jars. You can listen to the rest of the one-hour interview on your favorite streaming services.

Always Rollsaone knows how to write characters who are more grounded in their worlds, like they're the main character, but they're not thee Main character. Sure, they might have a little extra special sauce that sets them apart from everyone else, but unlike other progression fantasies where the MC is fighting the 10,000-year-old demon lord after training for a weekend. His MCs use their OP abilities as a trump card to get out of getting their asses kicked by some local street thugs, and just barely.

In this book, the MC gets resurrected in a new world, and through some fuck ups he manages to get himself some metal magic that makes him into a walking Gold Foundry go Brrrrrr. All he wanted to do was just be old money rich, until some street kids kick his fucking ass and he realizes that, oh fuck I need to learn how to fight or I'm going to get locked up in some dudes basment as his personal piggy bank.

The story is a little slow, but the MC is moving forward with his personal objectives. He's trying to build his own skyship so he can go on adventures, but there are so many steps from getting blueprints, hiring the right people, setting up the infrastructure, dungeon diving for rare resources, and, etc. I think we'll have the ship fully built and leaving the sky island in book three.

But that doesn't mean there's no action; there's a civil war going on in the background and skirmishes from hostile countries that personally affect the MC, but he's not directly involved. The King is not going to ask the MC to single-handedly solve a 500-year war after his village was attacked.

If you're looking for something to get into, then I recommend picking this up.

(OOC: In my head canon, r/henchlife is semi-encrypted. I think it's ridiculous that a bunch of people would openly be talking about committing crimes; instead, we're all on r/VacuumCleanersClub, with it being an open secret that this is the real r/henchlife amongst goons, rogues, and a few capes. With civilians just seeing another heated debate on which vacuum is the best)

Freak put half the Iron Vipers in the ER last night. I was playing pool with my brothers when there was a loud crash outside the clubhouse. I looked outside and saw that a HotDogMobile rammed into our Hogs. Condiment King walks menacingly into the clubhouse, looks at our President, and asks him where is his tribute?

Crud starts laughing and tells him, "I don't know how you managed to take over so much territory so fast, but while you were having a spa day in Arkham, we allied with FireFly. You fucked up coming here, Condom King!" Crud gives me the signal and nods.

I swing my pool cue at the back of his head, but next thing you know I'm slipping on some mustard, and I'm getting hit with my own pool cue, WHACK WHACK WHACK!!! Everything goes fuzzy as I look around the room and see Kechup, mustard, mayo, relish, soy sauce, and everything in the pantry flying everywhere. I hear guns jamming up with caramel, bones breaking, and some of my brothers screaming, "MY EYES!!!" as he squirts Hot Sauce in them.

Crud sounds pissed and tells him, "That strip mall karate ain't going to work on me". Our president is a meta, ever since he got exposed to some proto-Clayface juice when he worked security at a toxic waste dump when he was younger. Guy can't change size or do anything about his ugly mug, but if you stab or shoot him with small firearms, the wounds will just patch up like he's made of playdough. I've even seen him get hit by a car and walk away after a few minutes as if nothing happened. He couldn't cut it as a rogue, but for an outlaw motorcycle club, that shit is fucking overkill.

Condiment King starts spraying him with marshmallow fluff, and Crud is just laughing,"This is just going to spoil my appetite." He pulls out his knife and starts moving towards Condiment King, but each step is more sluggish than the last. Crud is struggling, "What's happening to me!?!?" Condiment says nothing and keeps spraying. Crud is looking more pale by the second as it looks like the marshmallow fluff is getting absorbed into his body.

Crud collapses to the floor and is looking like a Cronenberg Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, "Plesh...nu...mmor, eh beg...,yuuu". Condemint King asks him Who do you work for? "Con..de....mount....kieng", Crud struggles to say. He then pours chili oil on Crud, sets him on fire, and walks away.

Took us 30 minutes to extinguish the fire; the whole club smelled like we were cooking S'mores over a campfire. Crud looked like a burnt, melted marshmallow; we all thought he was a goner, but he whispered to us, "he..lll..up.....me". I got him resting in a soup pot right now and have been feeding him baby food to keep his strength up; we're taking him to a doctor that specializes in metas tomorrow, but I don't think he's ever going to be the same.

Let this be a warning to anyone who's thinking about crossing that abomination to god.