u/DepressedFrenchFri3s

No one wants to be actual friends with me. They interact with me at me school, but they dont seek me outside of that. I hear them making plans with eachother, talking about people I dont know, just talking in general. I very badly want to be apart of their friend group. I want to be in the group chat, I want to get invited to these events, I simply just desire this closeness with them. And I know its not about me being new, they started hanging out with one of the freshmen. (Who is lovely btw, I also get along with her.) BUT STILL.

This has always been an issue in my life. I am never someone's friend. People only interact with me if they are apart of a friend group. Like my brothers friends say Im cool, and the "second most normal family member" outside of mt brother. But they don't interact with me unless my brother is there. The people at my school only interact with me if I follow them around. They never ask me if I want to go on break with them, I simply just noticed theyre about to leave and I follow. And they just let me come along. (Annoying ik, but I only do it once in the morning. I dont constantly follow them around.)

I honestly am considering just isolating myself from them all, because clearly they do not care about me as much as I care for them. And thats okay, I supoose. I was homeschooled for so long, with little to no social interaction. It makes sense id be so desperate for social interaction after being so deprived from it for so long.

Edit: I am not saying I will become mean and cold. I simply just meant I will stop trying to interact with them, and go out of my way. I will still be friendly. But not as outgoing as I tried to be beforehand I suppose. I doubt theyll notice much of a difference.

Its true. I get along great with people, I can talk, have good conversations, and I think I am a pleasant person. No one, at least to my knowledge, has said anything bad about me as a human being. I was really negative(in terms of constantly venting) for a period of time, but I stopped.

But no one wants to be actual friends with me. They interact with me at me school, but they dont seek me outside of that. I hear them making plans with eachother, talking about people I dont know, just talking in general. And it \*hurts\*. I suppose. I very badly want to be apart of their friend group. I want to be in the group chat, I want to get invited to these events, I simply just desire this closeness with them. And I know its not about me being new, they started hanging out with one of the freshmen. (Who is lovely btw, I also get along with her.) BUT STILL.

This has always been an issue in my life. I am never someone's friend. People only interact with me if they are apart of a friend group. Like my brothers friends say Im cool, and the "second most normal family member" outside of mt brother. But they don't interact with me unless my brother is there. The people at my school only interact with me if I follow them around. They never ask me if I want to go on break with them, I simply just noticed theyre about to leave and I follow. And they just let me come along. (Annoying ik, but I only do it once in the morning. I dont constantly follow them around.)

The point is, no one, and I mean no one, has ever shown a true interest in being my friend. And I want to know what is wrong with me. Why? I dont understand. I honestly am considering just isolating myself from them all, because clearly they do not care about me as much as I care for them. And thats okay, I supoose. I was homeschooled for so long, with little to no social interaction. It makes sense id be so desperate for social interaction after being so deprived from it for so long.

I just, am so sad. I often fantasize about what it would be like to be friends with these people. And no one else in my school ever actually interacts with me very often outside of them. (Were friendly, but not as friendly as I am with these people)

Idk. I tried to say it was my age. I joined this school when I was 17, and now I am 18. And its understandable why adults to not want to be friends with a 17 year old, or I guess now freshly 18. But still. They have someone there who is only a year older then me in their friend group, so clearly its not that. Clearly it has something to do with me as a person.

So basically, I am a natural night owl. My favorite sleeping scedule was going to bed at 3 AM and waking up around 11 or 12.

But 7 months ago, I started going to cosmetology school. I live 45 minutes away from my school, so I have to get up around 6:20 AM latest to make it to school on time.

This is Hell. My body wont let me go to sleep early, but now its also accustomed to waking up early too. These days all I get is 4 to 6 hours of sleep. And on my days off, the days I can "sleep" I wake up at 8-9 AM latest. And thats after a few rounds of waking up at 6 AM and forcing myself to go back to sleep.

Im just so tired all the time. Sometimes I take naps during the day. Especially when I get home from school, but in a way it makes it worse because then it further extends my ability to stay up late. But it feels like physically cannot sleep then at the same time. Im just so tired.

So basically, for the past 2 weeks I had been experiencing pain in the left side of my mouth. Sort of like pinching and pressure. Went to the dentist for it, and they said one of my fillings were made too sharp and cut my mouth. Okay. They filed it down, and the pain lessened.

Literally just the next day I was experiencing even worse pain in the right side. This time its pain that is in my lower jaw, that is radiating into the left side of my mouth. It hurts to chew, to open my mouth, and just in general. It feels like intense pressure and pinching. But like 10× worse. I cant even find the "exact spot" it hurts. Just like, general pain in my lower jaw that radiates into my mouth.

But I wasnt experiencing this until the other dentist appointment, and they didnt touch the right side. The pain in the left side is gone, but now its on the right side. But. So. Much. Worse.

I genuinely dont know what to do anymore. I cant go again. I hate going to the dentist, the time I went before my last appointment, I basically got told I was a big baby for going. (Thought it was my wisdom teeth, was just my mollars. But I was 17 at the time, and usually thats the time mollars like the grow in.) And the last time I went, I felt like they didn't even really listen to me at all. Like they were nice and did not directly insult me. But I still felt overall dismissed in my concerns.

Idk. I have health anxiety. I know I do. But this feels like real pain. But I doubt it now because it literally started happening the day after my last dentist appointment.

So in my dream, I noticed blood was starting to bleed through my clothes. So I grabbed a bandaid and went to the bathroom to put it over the wound. But for some reason, the bathroom had a window on it, so you could see inside it. But in my dream, that was normal and I was just gonna do it anyway.

Then my instructor and a fellow student saw what I was doing, and started aggressively demanding to know what I was doing. Staring at me through the window. I get mad, open the door (with my sleeve still rolled up I think) and slammed the door. Blood started to drop out onto the floor, and suddenly it started spitting arounf everywhere. Like when you hit an artery, and it is like a water gun. Creating a huge mess of blood on the floor.

Almost immediately it felt like I was dying. I felt the warm blood gushing out of me and I became lightheaded and nauseous. Like I felt like I was dying. Like if I can imagine what dying through blood loss feels, that was it.

I started begging someone to call 911, and even started directly asking people. I remember I couldnt communicate clearly and I was slurring my words. Everyone seemed put-off, shocked, and disturbed. But I think they were called eventually. They were told to pack my wound with cotton balls and apply pressure or something.

Eventually the bleeding slowed to a slow, but consistent flow. And somehow I was sitting down on the stairs clutching a towel to the wound.

All I remember saying is that, "I cant believe I killed myself"

And another (not the instructor that found me at first) instructor said, "No, your okay. You'll be fine." In like a weirdly comforting tone.

But then they started talking about expelling me from the school, how I traumatized them. How the first instructor that found me had to clean the blood off the floor, and how theyre going through a divorce and I made their mental state worse. Talking about the smell of blood, how metallic and disgusting it was.

Then I woke up. Idk. Im just strangely disturbed by this dream and wanted to tell someone.

Ive been smoking ciggerettes since I was 16, and then switched to vaping at 17. (Almost 18 now) And I can feel the "addiction" perse, if that makes sense. Before when I used to smoke ciggerettes, I wouldnt get withdrawals or anything like that. But its so much easier to vape then smoke. I can vape pretty much anywhere, as it doesnt leave a gross smell. (Obviously not inside stores, or buildings other then my house) Along with the fact that its a faster, and stronger nicotine hit.

But my biggest problem is that I am struggling to go 3+ hours without hitting my vape. Very recently ive starter waking up in the middle of the night to hit my vape and then go back asleep. And Im spending $20-40 bucks twice a month for a new one. For something that doesnt even really make me feel different anymore. The only times it "hits" is when I go too long without vaping and the immediate relief I get when I do vape. But I know its not making me calmer, its just an affect of noctine withdrawal.

I just never thought it could get this bad this fast. I thought I was "safe" when I smoked ciggerettes because I never got withdrawal nor did I ever feel a craving for it unless I was extremely stressed. But then I switched to vaping for convience, and it was almost like an immediate "strong addiction" or something.

Sooo idk. Any tips? I go to cosmetology school, and its very stressful for me. Which is a contributing factor to my increased addiction. And I dont want to go through withdrawal. (Honestly ive never gone through that fully, I just vape whenever I get extremely ansty and irritated. Which stops it)

I also want to avoid anything thatll make me gain even more weight. Part of the reason I started vaping was because it suppresses my appetite. And ik quitting will dramatically increase your hunger cues.

But Im tired of not being able to do exercise. I cant run short distances without wheezing or my chest pounding, nonetheless, the cough thats been starting to happen.

Im a cosmetology student, and for the past 2 days I have gotten clients who want a skin fade. (Mind you Ive never done that before) The first time it was bad, it took me 2 fuckinf hours just for the instructor to come up and fix it. (Basically redoing the entire haircut.)

Today was a lot better, but I still struggled a lot. I know the basics on how to fade, but when the hair is so short it gives me a lot less wiggle room. I end up accidentally just slowly bringing up the zero more in an attempt to fade it. Ive used really short guards with my clippers closed, but the hair will be too short for my guard to even go through that. Then I tried taking off the guard, and closing my clippers. But it wasnt actually doing anything to remove the line.

Nonetheless I have been having an issue with the skin tugging on my clippers. Like the skin moving with the hair, and even when I stretch the skin away from the area Im cutting, it just causes this weird friction thing. Especially when Im trying to rock up my shears, and the HAIR JUST DOESNT CUT.

I was trying to fade a zero into a 1.5 inch guard btw.

I can do fades, ive done quite a few of them. Usually I can just clipper over comb to blend the bulk, then use my texturizers for the fine details. But when the hair is too the short, I literally do not have enough hair to work with. And I either just slowly bring up the hairline or my clippers wont cut the hair.

Im getting frustrated with it, because I would say Im pretty decent at haircutting. Its like the only thing in my program I know I can do with ease and have good timing with. But fades that are really short mess me tf up, especially with skin fades.

So any advice? Useful vidoes? My instructors have shown me how, but for whatever reason its not clicking for me. Even though it looks like Im doing the exact same thing they are.

Im drunk so pl3ase dont mind.

But I hate my life. I go tontherapy 9nce every 2 months. I try.

Why am I so weak? Why? WHY? FUCKING WHY? why cant I brush ahit off?

I need to get up in 5 or 6 hours and Im just drunk and sad. Bu5 I geel better then I did before. I geel better. Being sad is also happy in this state. Because in reality I geel nothing. Nothubg. I want to be NOTHING. I WISH I DREAM KF NTOHING. I want to be emotionless.

I am pathetic and weak. I know. I know. People like me are of the weak in society. Im so sorry.

Okay, so, for reference I KNOW this wasnt good work. I was just getting mad at it + it was the end of the day and I just wanted one last mark off.

I was doing fingerwaves, which is something that I have always struggled with. I got one demo of it while I was a freshman (Which was like 3 months ago I think) and it had been a hot minute since I had done them + I was working on a manikin with too short hair to do this. But I dont have another manikin head that would even work. So it looked like shit. I decided to say "fuck it" and show my instructor and hope they take pity on me. It looked bad, but it wasn't too dissimilar compared to my work before. (In terms of fingerwaves)

She literally looked at them, told me to redo it, and then started laughing at me. Like genuinely laughing at me. She then showed it to the CEO (who was just chilling downstairs) and a couple of other people I think. Bringing a lot of attention to how bad these finger waves were. My classmates looked over. Everyone looked at it. FUCK, even some random client looked over and started laughing at it. Im not even exaggerating. The client literally asked to see it again just to laugh at me.

I was trying to play it cool, and laugh at myself. Because, "haha so funny, I suck at my job."

I eventually got showed how to do it properly by the CEO. And even SHE commented this wasnt a good manikin to do it on + the fact I didnt have enough gel apparently. I was literally just standing there smiling and trying not to cry. Eventually she finished showing me, and I walked to the bathroom to cry + regain my composure. But holy shit. Ive never had something like that happen to me. Yes, I know it was bad work and I should have done better. But in my perspective, theyre FINGERWAVES. I will likely never get the chance to do that on a real client, and if I did I obviously would have done 10× better and likely got help from my instructor.

I ASKED, multiple times, on how to do fingerwaves. The instructors have always been too busy to show me, or show me very quickly and dont explain it.

Im genuinely so mad. Im mad I just stood there smiling, laughing about it. Taking it as if Im not being directly mocked.

Im a cosmetologist student, and Im genuinely having such a hard time with washing my clients hair. Specifically with haircolor. Every. Single. Time. I wash their hair, I end up getting a part of their shirt damp.

No matter what I do, it still happens. I put the chair as close to the bowl, but their nape is still touching the bowl and not the sink. I ask them to turn their head for a clearer view, most do not really do that. (They do it slightly, and its not enough to actually help.) I try to aim the spout away from them, but then it makes it almost impossible to get the correct angle. Or I try to use my hand as a protective barrier against the water, but can't do that when I am massaging the hair out + I have mild nerve damage which causes minor dexterity issues.

The second towel hides the nape in most people's necks, plus the fact their heads are not completely in the bowl most of the time. Like their napes are ontop of the neckpiece. I have to ask them to raise their heads just slightly for the angle. But then its like assured Ill get them wet.

The thing is, I dont think a lot of other students are having this issue. So I dont think its because of the bowls. But I dont know what other method to do. I can only ask my client to readjust so many times before they get annoyed