u/DepressedFrenchFri3s

The main thing I am having a hard time with is trying to explain the way I expirence reality. He doesnt understand me when I talk about it, despite me attempting to for multiple sessions.

Here are some examples:

1. All of my memories are jumbled, and inconsistent. Apparently(from what I've been told from my family) I get mild memory loss in stressful situations. Most of my memories, I for some reason think it happened when I was 12 or 7. But with logic, and timing, I was very obviously not 12 or 7.

(He doesnt have much to say to that, except for saying its likely because they were traumatic years for me, so now my brain is stuck believing everything happened during those years of my life)

2. Most of my memories feels like vague ideas. Only recent things are clear memories for me. And apparently they get jumbled in with the rest after a year or so. Maybe sooner, I am unsure. Like my friend mentioned his birthday coming up, and I was so confused because it felt like we had just celebrated it a couple of months ago. It was last year. Or when he mentions things we did, or I said, I genuinely have no clue until he reminds me in detail every second, then I get a vague idea.

(He just constantly asks for more clarification over and over. It felt like we were going in circles, and it was extremely frustrating and invalidating. That and he said it was normal not to remember things from a year or so ago)

3. I tell him about how I expierence day-to-day life. How it feels like I am completely different people at times, even though I know I am one person. How I have memories, expierences, thoughts, and feelings that sometimes dont feel like me. How I feel so different around other people, and how different it is compared to being alone. Like sometimes it feels like someone else is expierencing my life, and I only get the parts that Im alone.

Quick example:

Once went to a pride event with my friend. I only feel like I truly experienced the ride there, and the ride back. How I just blinked when I got off the train, and suddenly I was on the ride back. And while I have memories of what we did, it didnt feel like my memories. It felt like someone else got to experience it. I remember being a little confused and disoriented.

(He basically just told me its normal to act differently around others vs oneself. He did bring up dissociation, but he didnt seem to understand any of my answers to my question. He would ask me really basic questions, and I wish I could remember some of the specifics. But whenever I would try to clarify, it seemed to confuse him more. And then it kinda just fizzled into nothing.)

4. He doesnt like how inconsistent I can be with my answers. I remember him giving me a test, and I answered a few of them with conflicting information. (Like yk when they ask the same question in different wording) And I honestly told him I am a bad judge when it comes to knowing/telling overall feelings and moods. It changes on the daily, and I forget the specifics on how I feel. I dont have that sense of time, so its difficult for me to be consistent and proper with \\\*how long\\\* Ive been feeling a certain way. All I know is that I feel bad, and have felt bad, for my entire life.

I feel like a part of this problem, is that I honestly have \\\*too much\\\* to talk about. Too many memories, too many bad coping mechanisms, and no focus. I often just get bored or frustrated when he talks about one thing for too long.

So I understand that it can be difficult to get a read on me. Because half of the time, its just me info dumping on him.

All of his advice basically means the same thing. Its always; My thoughts control my feelings, and my feelings control my actions. So obviously if I correct my thoughts, it will improve my feelings. But it helps very little. Emotional feelings feel physical to me. Its this constant, deep, ache in my chest. And sometimes, when I am genuinely upset, it feels like pure hate is vibrating through my veins. It helps in the sense it grounds me to reality, but it doesnt change how I actually feel. So it does help! But only in the situation where I am on the verge of a genuine meltdown.

In most cases, if I am upset with myself, and I think bad thoughts about me. If I correct myself, I will genuinely start to argue back. And its uncomfortable and confusing for me to do that. So I end up just counting for awhile, before trying to distract myself. Because I dont like to argue with myself.

Do you know what I mean? I genuinely cannot tell at this point if I am over complicating myself, or if theres a genuine issue here. Ive been going to him for a year, and it doesnt seem to be helping.

Note: I am not trying to bad-talk my therapist. I am just seeking outsider advice from a non bias standpoint. Hes a good therapist, but I am worried that therapy is somehow making me worse because I am overanalyzing. Or if I need to seek one that specializes in something. God knows what.

I am at 1520 hours. I am a senior, and I am mildly close to graduating. Im too far along to quit.

I just wrote a comprehensive list of what I need to graduate, and I realize I am way more behind then I realized. I knew I was behind, I misunderstood a rule in the project book as a junior, and it wasnt corrected.

I have 103 projects needed to do before I can graduate. THIRTY THERMALS for my end count, fifteen rollersets, and a bunch of other smaller numbers.

I feel like I have a gun to my head. Time is constantly running out, and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to make up for my lost work. They wont book me for services I need, they wont let me do services on other students unless they've been here for 5 days with perfect consistency, and everytime I make posts online I get NOTHING. People ignoring what I said what I needed, and just wanted a haircut. Or saying they do want the service I can provide, but then later saying theyre "too busy."

I AM TRYING. So. So. So. Hard. And it feels like nothing I do helps. Nothing works. I am terrified of going over my hours, and its my reality now. Im so upset. I can't. I honestly dont know what to do.

Basically I really like doing haircolor. Especially vivids. And so far I feel like I have put out good work that makes the client overall happy.

The problem?

It takes me forever to actually do. I am very slow with my haircolor, especially with bleaching. I try to be faster, but its like I literally cannot. I dont want to stop doing vivids or not offer it as a service when I graduate. But it takes me a minimum of 3 hours to foil the hair. I cant take bigger sections or else the bottom won't lighten, and I am struggling on working faster.

At this point, a full bleach out and color has been taking me a minimum of 6 hours to do. And thats with help. I am still a student who has not gotten many colors, but I am near graduating. And my school gets hesitant to scedule me the colors I like to do because it just takes me so long, and they dont like to stay past hours waiting for me to finish.

Its not that I am struggling or dont know what to do. More often then not, my plans turn out really well. But I am just so slow with the actual application process.

I know Ill get faster with time, but I dont know how Ill get that experience to be faster. Booth rent only works if you have a strong clientele and start with decent money, and commission salons expect fast, high quality work. So I know Ill either fuck myself over with booth rent, or Ill get fired(or in trouble) from a commission based salon.

So idk. Does anyone have any tips on being faster with haircolor? I constantly time myself, and try to set realistic goals. But it doesnt make me faster, I constantly exceed the timing with my goals its not even funny.

Today I did a highlight retouch with a blowout. They came in at 9 AM and left around 3:15 PM. I did do a blowout on them, which is something I am not used to doing. So it did add a extra hour. The consult took me till 9:30 + waiting for an instructor to get me colored. Started closer to 9:45. But still. That should not have taken me nearly as long as it did.

Not fun for them. But the work itself was good, and I am overall proud of how it turned out. But my timing sucks. Really bad.

I am graduating from cosmetology school in a few months, and I lowk want to secure a job. There is no receptionist jobs for salons in my area, because I know working as a receptionist to cosmetologist is common.

However, a salon in my town is looking for lisenced cosmetologist/barbers. And I am wondering if it would be unprofessional to pop in the store when its not busy, tell them I am a student hoping to work there in the future. And ask if I could work as a receptionist part time, and then move to a hairstylist position full time when I graduate.

But I dont know if that's unprofessional and would prevent them from hiring me in the future when I do get my lisence. So idk. Thought id ask here for advice on this specific situation, and in general.

Ive been going through a really hard time at home. Ive been trying to find a job so I can move out, and my home life is... not the best well just say.

Ive been really good at not having breakdowns at school, and emotionally controling myself. But as of late, its like any little thing will trigger me.

Today, I started crying because I had a 9 AM color application on my books for tomorrow, and a 1 PM appointment. The 1 PM appointment is for my friends mom, who is going to come in to get me markoffs.

The issue with color application appointments, you basically come in blind to what youre going to deal with. Its either a easy all over color, or a huge color correction that will take all day. And when I asked the receptionist if I could take over other people's appointments(if the books were too full) and have someone else do it. She basically told me no, and that everyone else was a special request.

Which sent me spiraling. I didnt like scream or yell, but I went in my car and had a panic attack. And eventually I just keep building myself up and up to the point where its not even about the appointment. I was basically openly crying(trying not to) infront of everyone and shaking a little bit. I dont think I was actively mean to anyone, but I wasnt nice. I was more agressive and uncoordinated with my movements if that makes sense. Which I know makes others nervous/uncomfortable.

Its incidents like that. So far ive only had 2 or 3 of these incidents. But it used to be like, never happen, to happening once weeks. Since just 2 weeks ago I had to be sent home for a similar reason. I didnt have to be sent home as it was literally the last 15 minutes of school, but still.

I dont know what to do or how to calm myself down. I try to do deep breaths, counting, and rationalizing the situation. Then Ill calm down for a few seconds, but then Im immediately back to panicking. And theres no isolated space to hide in except my car, and I cant run to my car and spend 30 minutes calming myself down every time I feel like this.

I just got put on aderall a few days ago, and I am still genuinely confused about something.

Obviously I know adderall can cause you to forget to eat/not be hungry. Which is fine, I like food and honestly eat it anyhow. And I am at a healthy weight, so I want to maintain that. I like how I look, so even if forgetting does becomes a problem, Ill just set timers and reminders to eat.

What I am wondering is if when you get off of it. I know appetite returns, but like how? Does it come back with a vengeance? Or is it something that will slowly come back and youll eat like how you did before? I know weight gain will happen, but on average what severity? Are we talking about a couple of pounds or 20+?

Another question I have, is in the off chance you do lose weight on Adderall. Will your body be used to eating less? So then your appetite isnt as strong, even when getting off of it? So its a "normal appetite" for the weight youre at and how youve been eating? So if I make sure to not forget to eat, I wont have to worry about that? Or will I have to eat more then I want to gain the weight back?

Idk. Ive tried looking it up, and all it says is that youre appetite returns. But I am confused by that, since outside of chemical reactions not making you hungry. When you eat less and lose weight, youre body wont be used to eating as much.

Hopefully Im making sense! I honestly dont think this will be much of an issue with me. But I do have a past history of disordered thoughts/eating. Like restricting, then binge eating. (Nothing severe, I was never underweight, or really had it become a huge issue in my life) So I am slightly concerned Im just going to maintain my weight, and then get off of it, and then gain a bunch. Or somehow lose weight, and then have to force myself to eat more then comfortable to gain the weight back.

So! If anyone has experiences with being on aderall for a few years, but then had to get off of it, how did affect your appetite?

If its any relevance, I am on extended release. And I plan to stay on that in the far future

A few weeks ago, I cut very deep. And I am starting to br worried I nicked my flexor tendons in my arm, as I remember this searing pain. And then my entire forearm went numb, and now certain parts just hurt. Especially in my wrist/thumb area, like it genuinely really hurts and is always sore to the touch. Moving my hands in certain directions also hurt, or just feels tight.

I cant extend my arm properly without this electric pain. And my scars are just so layered, and constantly uncomfortable. I keep getting ingrown hairs near them, and I cannot pop them/pick at them, because the skin is so tight. And it hurts. Literally no form of touch or pressure outside of my clothes can go on my arm without discomfort. Literally cannot rest my arms or hands on a table without discomfort.

Im a cosmetology student, so my mobility is crucial to my job. And I have a hard time working ergonomically due to this, and I am already starting to develop carpel tunnel syndrome, and I cant even do the proper arm exercises or massages to help it. Since itll literally just hurt.

Does anyone have some sort of advice? Ideas on what I can do. My wrist is honestly 90% scar tissue layered over scars. And I am at a loss. I try to put lotion on it, but I struggle to even do that due to how uncomfortable it feels.

I keep having nightmares where I severely cut myself, and like the next day I try to clean it. And when I do, I somehow reopen a nerve or artery and it starts bleeding so much. And everytime I can feel it too, like physically. Heart rate increases, shortness of breath, impending sense of doom along with being so so tired. The feeling hot blood literally pouring out of you, spurting. And at first you arent too scared, but the feeling hits you quickly. I remember in my dream I tried to stop the bleeding after a second, and I could feel my *pulse.* It was disgusting. And when I realized I couldnt do it, I just gave up. Layed down in the bathtub and watched myself. (Idk I was in the shower in my dream) I remember thinking before I woke up, "this is a peaceful way to die. I dont need to be scared."

Its horrible. Whenever I have those dreams, I have tried to get help. So it is disturbing and almost telling to me how bad its been for me lately. The fact I didnt even try to get up, or call my family for help. I just... let it happen.

I am starting to wonder if I have traumatized myself. I always cut wayy too deep, and yesterday I hit something and my entire arm is numb. But at the same time, I am drunk 90% of the time I cut. So now I am wondering if I have some repressed memory trauma shit going on.

Idk. I keep having nightmares like this, and every time its just as vivid. Like I physically feel myself dying. Not just in a "haha scary dream way" I *feel* it and it doesnt go away until I startle awake. It doesnt hurt, most of the time. Its just like anxiety because you know youre going to die, and you cant do anything about it

I keep having nightmares where I severely cut myself, and like the next day I try to clean it. And when I do, I somehow reopen a nerve or artery and it starts bleeding so much. And everytime I can feel it too, like physically. Heart rate increases, shortness of breath, impending sense of doom along with being so so tired. The feeling hot blood literally pouring out of you, spurting. And at first you arent too scared, but the feeling hits you quickly. I remember in my dream I tried to stop the bleeding after a second, and I could feel my *pulse.* It was disgusting. And when I realized I couldnt do it, I just gave up. Layed down in the bathtub and watched myself. (Idk I was in the shower in my dream) I remember thinking before I woke up, "this is a peaceful way to die. I dont need to be scared."

Its horrible. Whenever I have those dreams, I have tried to get help. So it is disturbing and almost telling to me how bad its been for me lately. The fact I didnt even try to get up, or call my family for help. I just... let it happen.

I am starting to wonder if I have traumatized myself. I always cut wayy too deep, and yesterday I hit something and my entire arm is numb. But at the same time, I am drunk 90% of the time I cut. So now I am wondering if I have some repressed memory trauma shit going on.

Idk. I keep having nightmares like this, and every time its just as vivid. Like I physically feel myself dying. Not just in a "haha scary dream way" I *feel* it and it doesnt go away until I startle awake. It doesnt hurt, most of the time. Its just like anxiety because you know youre going to die, and you cant do anything about it

For real. Fuck thus. Fuck it all. Duck my familt who I love.

All I feel bad for is my dog. Idk. Ill be Alice tomorrow. But the question is fot how long. How long? HOW LONG? how long must I live go realize mt entire like has been shit

Im so drunk. I stile..i.stile. I stole shir from my family to jave the ensureance I wont be drunk. Oh my god. So rarely fo I steal. I just cant stand not beinf blacking out

Until my last breath, I smiled.

Until my last breath, I talked.

I smiled, talked, interacted. People loved me. I loved them. Until my last breath I felt human, a being born into existence and made this wonderful gift called life. I enjoyed the scenery, beautiful lakes and oceans. Trees that spread so far, it was beyond my comprehension.

Until my last breath, I cried.

Until my last breath, I begged.

I cried, begged, cut myself, drank. Destroyed my personality, forcing myself to scrap the parts I hated. They never disappeared but they became less obvious. Hidden in the corner of my mind. I altered myself, pretended, cried, begged, dreamed of being different. Of having a different family, different life prospects. I dreamed of a life id never have.

And eventually, when I sit there on my death bed. Either from me being drunk out of my mind, alone in my bedroom. Or in a nursing home dying from olf age. I will breathe my last breath, and I will cease in this disgusting, horrible, beautiful world.

I post here a lot about myself, but this is somewhat related I guess.

I came home today after a really productive happy day. Wasn't even thinking about alcohol, which is the first time in forever. It was my first real happy day after awhile. I went to school, got tons of markoffs, finally got a hold of braids. Might even be able to level up soon in my program!!!! I even got to hang out with my best friend after school.

It was great.

Then, on the drive home, I did unfortunately speed. I know its bad, but its a 45 minute drive home when Im in down. And I get really. Really. \*tired\*. And I sometimes just want to get home as fast as possible. I was zoning out listening to music. Got pulled over. I deserved it, but still increadibly stressful when youve up up for the past 12 hours with only 4 hours of sleep. But I got pulled over. Luckily just got a warning, but still. I hate getting in trouble.

I get home, tell my mom what happened. I obviously get in trouble, but it wasnt too bad. She basically tells me to stop, and that if I get pulled over again she wont be able to afford the insurance. I apologize, take accountability. And idk, I guess I wanted to see her. Im busy with school all the time, and shes been busy with other stuff. I dont see her often. I just wanted to have a good interaction with her.

She fucking drinks alcohol right infront of me to make me leave. While saying she loves me, as I walk out.

For context: my mother is an alcoholic. She has hit me, vented to me about problems, and had made me severely uncomfortable when shes drunk. I know its not that bad, but still. I get scared to leave my room at night because I know 9/10 shes drunk and I dont want to hear about her talking about my mental health issues, or her venting to me about her own fucking trauma. Its feels worse then it sounds. I dont know. I remember her whole "sober era" where she went to rehab, lasted a week, and called us demanding we pick her up. Where she would be erratic, constant mood changes. Her relapsing because she had a bad day, and spending the entire car ride going home just berating me over every little mistake I made in my life. Her "dry drunk" mood changes.

At least in the past she lied about being sober when she relapsed.

Idk. Im genuinely so fucking upset. I had a GOOD DAY, something that rarely happens to me. A genuinely good day. Just to get pulled over, and then have me mom weaponize her alcoholicism against me so I'll leave her alone.

AND IM A FUCKING ALCOHOLIC. I drink almost every day to every other day. So now I want to drink, but on the otherhand I dont want to be like her. I dont want to be all high and mighty and then proceed to get fucking sloshed myself. But I want to. Im so upset right now. Why would she do that to me? Fine. I get it. Just tell me you want some alone time. You dont have to drink right infront of me to make me leave. She knows what shes done to me while under the influence. Shes a fucking liar. At least I dont lie, pretend I'm sober, make a huge fucking deal about it. And then relapse and not having the shame to not drink infront of her child. Im not mad at her for relapsing, maybe I am a little but I understand its what happens, Im fucking pissed at her for this shit.

Im so done with my life.

I post here a lot about myself, but this is somewhat related I guess.

I came home today after a really productive happy day. Wasn't even thinking about alcohol, which is the first time in forever. It was my first real happy day after awhile. I went to school, got tons of markoffs, finally got a hold of braids. Might even be able to level up soon in my program!!!! I even got to hang out with my best friend after school.

It was great.

Then, on the drive home, I did unfortunately speed. I know its bad, but its a 45 minute drive home when Im in down. And I get really. Really. \*tired\*. And I sometimes just want to get home as fast as possible. I was zoning out listening to music. Got pulled over. I deserved it, but still increadibly stressful when youve up up for the past 12 hours with only 4 hours of sleep. But I got pulled over. Luckily just got a warning, but still. I hate getting in trouble.

I get home, tell my mom what happened. I obviously get in trouble, but it wasnt too bad. She basically tells me to stop, and that if I get pulled over again she wont be able to afford the insurance. I apologize, take accountability. And idk, I guess I wanted to see her. Im busy with school all the time, and shes been busy with other stuff. I dont see her often. I just wanted to have a good interaction with her.

She fucking drinks alcohol right infront of me to make me leave. While saying she loves me, as I walk out.

For context: my mother is an alcoholic. She has hit me, vented to me about problems, and had made me severely uncomfortable when shes drunk. I know its not that bad, but still. I get scared to leave my room at night because I know 9/10 shes drunk and I dont want to hear about her talking about my mental health issues, or her venting to me about her own fucking trauma. Its feels worse then it sounds. I dont know. I remember her whole "sober era" where she went to rehab, lasted a week, and called us demanding we pick her up. Where she would be erratic, constant mood changes. Her relapsing because she had a bad day, and spending the entire car ride going home just berating me over every little mistake I made in my life. Her "dry drunk" mood changes.

At least in the past she lied about being sober when she relapsed.

Idk. Im genuinely so fucking upset. I had a GOOD DAY, something that rarely happens to me. A genuinely good day. Just to get pulled over, and then have me mom weaponize her alcoholicism against me so I'll leave her alone.

AND IM A FUCKING ALCOHOLIC. I drink almost every day to every other day. So now I want to drink, but on the otherhand I dont want to be like her. I dont want to be all high and mighty and then proceed to get fucking sloshed myself. But I want to. Im so upset right now. Why would she do that to me? Fine. I get it. Just tell me you want some alone time. You dont have to drink right infront of me to make me leave. She knows what shes done to me while under the influence. Shes a fucking liar. At least I dont lie, pretend I'm sober, make a huge fucking deal about it. And then relapse and not having the shame to not drink infront of her child. Im not mad at her for relapsing, maybe I am a little but I understand its what happens, Im fucking pissed at her for this shit.

Im so done with my life.

Im so tired of being constantly winded despite the most basic activities its insane. My chest hurts. It just hurts.

Fuck nicotine

Im so tired of being constantly winded despite the most basic activities its insane. My chest hurts. It just hurts.

Fuck nicotine

Like I genuinely have chronic pain and cant feel certain places in my arm. It's normal to me now.

Yet I cant believe I have to live witj this for the rest of my life. Like what??? Im used to it, yet I know to most people they would be concerned