u/FabulousCity9226

This will be a long post but, I have nobody to turn to.

I don't wanna watch a debate videos from Alex O'Connor, Richard Rawlings, Non Stamp Collector, DarkMatter2525 and then boom, watch some apologetics from Jay Dyer, Trent Horn, Mike Winger, Melissa Dougherty.

I sometimes even click on astrology or wicca related videos out of boredom and curiosity, so I can learn more about these differences in mentality and how this stuff works even if I don't want to get involved.

I feel like I stand on the sides of life and yet nothing feels certain

I sometimes rewatch the religious movies I used to love as a child, some of the stuff that I went through has been horrific and even if I might find myself get drawn to religion, I cannot fully believe

Even when I try to pray, I don't truly believe

Yes, reading saint stories is interesting, yes, watching the chosen or listening to a hymn can feel comforting but that's not what the whole faith is all about

I don't want to disrespect anyone here but I feel stuck and exhausted of these patterns, wanting to understand every denomination or religion and yet feeling so miserable because of my memories and the way things are in my life

I don't want to delude myself into believing, I don't want to have some near death experience or some hallucinatios like some of these people in their YouTube testimonies tend to experience

Yes, it's nice to know that some people managed to find something that gives them hope but I can't fool myself into doing it

I sometimes watch videos about the end times, about prayer, the dogma of certain denominations but I also watch videos from ex Jehovah Witnesses, mormons, fundamentalist and how they became atheists.

Maybe I wish that someone out there would look out for me, yes

But I also remember the times when nobody was there when I actually needed help

When I dealt with violence, physical abuse, when people bullied me, stalked me, touched me, mocked or beated me up

Whenever I think of those people that did it, I feel angry and scared as it it just happened some hours ago

It doesn't help that both sides can sound smug and obnoxious sometimes, both atheist and christians and it feels like I cannot be understood by neither of them

Both extremes can seem off putting online

Don't get me started on those prophecy or end time videos or flyers we sometimes get in the mail, it literally sounds like they're experiencing psychosis and are proud about it

I sometimes feel sad that things have come to this, I don't think my grandparents would've wanted me to lose my faith so early in life but I did

I still remember the time when I was 8 years old and prayed that I would die after some older bullies from neighbourhood stole my cap and sticker book then threw a rock on my head after I begged them to leave me alone

These people are happy, don't have any worries, their parents don't know the stuff they did to me and the same goes for the people I met later in life

I'm just sick of this BS

No, it doesn't make me feel less alone or depressed when I try to pray despite everything that happened

Sometimes, I try to pray and confess my sins after

praying in my room, it feels desperate and foolish

Sometimes, the same things that draw me to religion might be the same that repel me

I'm not saying that I want these people to crawl to me and beg for an apology but, I don't want to go through such things ever again, I'm sick of creepy, violent or obsessed people, especially men

I don't believe in miracles or things like that, I don't believe in the so called power of prayer

Can you imagine how terrifying it can be to be contacted or bothered by people that you didn't even want to hear from, more than a decade ago?

For someone to show up around your home even if you never showed them where you live?

Can you imagine how anger inducing it is for someone to simply not leave you alone after you made it clear that you don't want anything to do with them?

Yes, I might be traumatized by the things that happened to me, no I don't have insurance and cannot afford "getting help"

I'm a miserable person but can I least be left alone in peace, in my misery?

I don't wanna hear from some random bully I had in middle school or highschool, I dont wanna hear from someone who had an obsessive crush on me, I don't want to hear from people that hurt me deliberately and showed time and time again, that they hate me and mock me no matter how I try to act

I am tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of watching my mother get more frail and sick every week.

I am tired of crying, I'm tired of being angry, I wish I would receive actual help and guidance but can't afford it

It doesn't help that I started to isolate myself after being abused and bullied for years, to point when I got expelled from highschool, I cannot even afford a tutor and I'm too frail for any trade work, even if I were to try to get one, I'd still be rejected cause I'm not a man and that's just how things are where I live.

I don't wanna be like Job, I don't want to struggle, I already have close to nothing, I don't wanna lose anything or anyone around me

Yes, I wish that a good god would be real but I don't believe in anything, I've been way too hurt by my past to delude myself into believing, even if I'm drawn to it.

I want to see actual changes, I want to be happy, I want something surprising to happen, I want to move up in life, I want to feel protected from anyone who tries to mock me and hurt me.

I don't know what to do.

This will be a long post but, I have nobody to turn to, please bear with me.

I don't wanna watch a debate videos from Alex O'Connor, Richard Rawlings, Non Stamp Collector, DarkMatter2525 and then boom, watch some apologetics from Jay Dyer, Trent Horn, Mike Winger, Melissa Dougherty.

I sometimes even click on astrology or wicca related videos out of boredom and curiosity, so I can learn more about these differences in mentality and how this stuff works even if I don't want to get involved.

I feel like I stand on the sides of life and yet nothing feels certain

I sometimes rewatch the religious movies I used to love as a child, some of the stuff that I went through has been horrific and even if I might find myself get drawn to religion, I cannot fully believe

Even when I try to pray, I don't truly believe

Yes, reading saint stories is interesting, yes, watching the chosen or listening to a hymn can feel comforting but that's not what the whole faith is all about

I don't want to disrespect anyone here but I feel stuck and exhausted of these patterns, wanting to understand every denomination or religion and yet feeling so miserable because of my memories and the way things are in my life

I don't want to delude myself into believing, I don't want to have some near death experience or some hallucinatios like some of these people in their YouTube testimonies tend to experience

Yes, it's nice to know that some people managed to find something that gives them hope but I can't fool myself into doing it

I sometimes watch videos about the end times, about prayer, the dogma of certain denominations but I also watch videos from ex Jehovah Witnesses, mormons, fundamentalist and how they became atheists.

Maybe I wish that someone out there would look out for me, yes

But I also remember the times when nobody was there when I actually needed help

When I dealt with violence, physical abuse, when people bullied me, stalked me, touched me, mocked or beated me up

Whenever I think of those people that did it, I feel angry and scared as it it just happened some hours ago

It doesn't help that both sides can sound smug and obnoxious sometimes, both atheist and christians and it feels like I cannot be understood by neither of them

Both extremes can seem off putting online

Don't get me started on those prophecy or end time videos or flyers we sometimes get in the mail, it literally sounds like they're experiencing psychosis and are proud about it

I sometimes feel sad that things have come to this, I don't think my grandparents would've wanted me to lose my faith so early in life but I did

I still remember the time when I was 8 years old and prayed that I would die after some older bullies from neighbourhood stole my cap and sticker book then threw a rock on my head after I begged them to leave me alone

These people are happy, don't have any worries, their parents don't know the stuff they did to me and the same goes for the people I met later in life

I'm just sick of this BS

No, it doesn't make me feel less alone or depressed when I try to pray despite everything that happened

Sometimes, I try to pray and confess my sins after

praying in my room, it feels desperate and foolish

Sometimes, the same things that draw me to religion might be the same that repel me

I'm not saying that I want these people to crawl to me and beg for an apology but, I don't want to go through such things ever again, I'm sick of creepy, violent or obsessed people, especially men

I don't believe in miracles or things like that, I don't believe in the so called power of prayer

Can you imagine how terrifying it can be to be contacted or bothered by people that you didn't even want to hear from, more than a decade ago?

For someone to show up around your home even if you never showed them where you live?

Can you imagine how anger inducing it is for someone to simply not leave you alone after you made it clear that you don't want anything to do with them?

Yes, I might be traumatized by the things that happened to me, no I don't have insurance and cannot afford "getting help"

I'm a miserable person but can I least be left alone in peace, in my misery?

I don't wanna hear from some random bully I had in middle school or highschool, I dont wanna hear from someone who had an obsessive crush on me, I don't want to hear from people that hurt me deliberately and showed time and time again, that they hate me and mock me no matter how I try to act

I am tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of watching my mother get more frail and sick every week.

I am tired of crying, I'm tired of being angry, I wish I would receive actual help and guidance but can't afford it

It doesn't help that I started to isolate myself after being abused and bullied for years, to point when I got expelled from highschool, I cannot even afford a tutor and I'm too frail for any trade work, even if I were to try to get one, I'd still be rejected cause I'm not a man and that's just how things are where I live.

I don't wanna be like Job, I don't want to struggle, I already have close to nothing, I don't wanna lose anything or anyone around me

Yes, I wish that a good god would be real but I don't believe in anything, I've been way too hurt by my past to delude myself into believing, even if I'm drawn to it.

I want to see actual changes, I want to be happy, I want something surprising to happen, I want to move up in life, I want to feel protected from anyone who tries to mock me and hurt me.

I don't know what to do.

This will be a long post but, I have nobody to turn to, please bear with me

I'm stuck in a loop. I don't wanna watch a debate videos from Alex O'Connor, Richard Rawlings, Non Stamp Collector, DarkMatter2525 and then boom, watch some apologetics from Jay Dyer, Trent Horn, Mike Winger, Melissa Dougherty.

I sometimes even click on astrology or wicca related videos out of boredom and curiosity, so I can learn more about these differences in mentality and how this stuff works even if I don't want to get involved.

I feel like I stand on the sides of life and yet nothing feels certain

I sometimes rewatch the religious movies I used to love as a child, some of the stuff that I went through has been horrific and even if I might find myself get drawn to religion, I cannot fully believe

Even when I try to pray, I don't truly believe

Yes, reading saint stories is interesting, yes, watching the chosen or listening to a hymn can feel comforting but that's not what the whole is all about

I don't want to disrespect anyone here but I feel stuck and exhausted of these patterns, wanting to understand every denomination or religion and yet feeling so miserable because of my memories and the way things are in my life

I don't want to delude myself into believing, I don't want to have some near death experience or some hallucinatios like some of these people in their YouTube testimonies tend to experience

Yes, it's nice to know that some people managed to find something that gives them hope but I can't fool myself into doing it

I sometimes watch videos about the end times, about prayer, the dogma of certain denominations but I also watch videos from ex Jehovah Witnesses, mormons, fundamentalist and how they became atheists.

Maybe I wish that someone out there would look out for me, yes

But I also remember the times when nobody was there when I actually needed help

When I dealt with violence, physical abuse, when people bullied me, stalked me, touched me, mocked or beated me up

Whenever I think of those people that did it, I feel angry and scared as it it just happened some hours ago

It doesn't help that both sides can sound smug and obnoxious sometimes, both atheist and christians and it feels like I cannot be understood by neither of them

Both extremes can seem off putting online

Don't get me started on those prophecy or end time videos or flyers we sometimes get in the mail, it literally sounds like they're experiencing psychosis and are proud about it

I sometimes feel sad that things have come to this, I don't think my grandparents would've wanted me to lose my faith so early in life but I did

I still remember the time when I was 8 years old and prayed that I would die after some older bullies from neighbourhood stole my cap and sticker book then threw a rock on my head after I begged them to leave me alone

These people are happy, don't have any worries, their parents don't know the stuff they did to me and the same goes for the people I met later in life

I'm just sick of this BS

No, it doesn't make me feel less alone or depressed when I try to pray despite everything that happened

Sometimes, I try to pray and confess my sins after

praying in my room, it feels desperate and foolish

Sometimes, the same things that draw me to religion might be the same that repel me

I'm not saying that I want these people to crawl to me and beg for an apology but, I don't want to go through such things ever again, I'm sick of creepy, violent or obsessed people, especially men

I don't believe in miracles or things like that, I don't believe in the so called power of prayer

Can you imagine how terrifying it can be to be contacted or bothered by people that you didn't even want to hear from, more than a decade ago?

For someone to show up around your home even if you never showed them where you live?

Can you imagine how anger inducing it is for someone to simply not leave you alone after you made it clear that you don't want anything to do with them?

Yes, I might be traumatized by the things that happened to me, no I don't have insurance and cannot afford "getting help"

I'm a miserable person but can I least be left alone in peace, in my misery?

I don't wanna hear from some random bully I had in middle school or highschool, I dont wanna hear from someone who had an obsessive crush on me, I don't want to hear from people that hurt me deliberately and showed time and time again, that they hate me and mock me no matter how I try to act

I am tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of watching my mother get more frail and sick every week.

I am tired of crying, I'm tired of being angry, I wish I would receive actual help and guidance but can't afford it

It doesn't help that I started to isolate myself after being abused and bullied for years, to point when I got expelled from highschool, I cannot even afford a tutor and I'm too frail for any trade work, even if I were to try to get one, I'd still be rejected cause I'm not a man and that's just how things are where I live.

I don't wanna be like Job, I don't want to struggle, I already have close to nothing, I don't wanna lose anything or anyone around me

Yes, I wish that a good god would be real but I don't believe in anything, I've been way too hurt by my past to delude myself into believing, even if I'm drawn to it.

I want to see actual changes, I want to be happy, I want something surprising to happen, I want to move up in life, I want to feel protected from anyone who tries to mock me and hurt me.

I don't know what to do.

I'm TIRED of being stuck in this loop

I don't wanna watch a debate videos from Alex O'Connor, Richard Rawlings, Non Stamp Collector, DarkMatter2525 and then boom, watch some apologetics from Jay Dyer, Trent Horn, Mike Winger, Melissa Dougherty.

I sometimes even click on astrology or wicca related videos out of boredom and curiosity, so I can learn more about these differences in mentality and how this stuff works even if I don't want to get involved.

I feel like I stand on the sides of life and yet nothing feels certain

I sometimes rewatch the religious movies I used to love as a child, some of the stuff that I went through has been horrific and even if I might find myself get drawn to religion, I cannot fully believe

Even when I try to pray, I don't truly believe

Yes, reading saint stories is interesting, yes, watching the chosen or listening to a hymn can feel comforting but that's not what the whole is all about

I don't want to disrespect anyone here but I feel stuck and exhausted of these patterns, wanting to understand every denomination or religion and yet feeling so miserable because of my memories and the way things are in my life

I don't want to delude myself into believing, I don't want to have some near death experience or some hallucinatios like some of these people in their YouTube testimonies tend to experience

Yes, it's nice to know that some people managed to find something that gives them hope but I can't fool myself into doing it

I sometimes watch videos about the end times, about prayer, the dogma of certain denominations but I also watch videos from ex Jehovah Witnesses, mormons, fundamentalist and how they became atheists.

Maybe I wish that someone out there would look out for me, yes

But I also remember the times when nobody was there when I actually needed help

When I dealt with violence, physical abuse, when people bullied me, stalked me, touched me, mocked or beated me up

Whenever I think of those people that did it, I feel angry and scared as it it just happened some hours ago

It doesn't help that both sides can sound smug and obnoxious sometimes, both atheist and christians and it feels like I cannot be understood by neither of them

Both extremes can seem off putting online

Don't get me started on those prophecy or end time videos or flyers we sometimes get in the mail, it literally sounds like they're experiencing psychosis and are proud about it

I sometimes feel sad that things have come to this, I don't think my grandparents would've wanted me to lose my faith so early in life but I did

I still remember the time when I was 8 years old and prayed that I would die after some older bullies from neighbourhood stole my cap and sticker book then threw a rock on my head after I begged them to leave me alone

These people are happy, don't have any worries, their parents don't know the stuff they did to me and the same goes for the people I met later in life

I'm just sick of this BS

No, it doesn't make me feel less alone or depressed when I try to pray despite everything that happened

Sometimes, I try to pray and confess my sins after

praying in my room, it feels desperate and foolish

Sometimes, the same things that draw me to religion might be the same that repel me

I'm not saying that I want these people to crawl to me and beg for an apology but, I don't want to go through such things ever again, I'm sick of creepy, violent or obsessed people, especially men

I don't believe in miracles or things like that, I don't believe in the so called power of prayer

Can you imagine how terrifying it can be to be contacted or bothered by people that you didn't even want to hear from, more than a decade ago?

For someone to show up around your home even if you never showed them where you live?

Can you imagine how anger inducing it is for someone to simply not leave you alone after you made it clear that you don't want anything to do with them?

Yes, I might be traumatized by the things that happened to me, no I don't have insurance and cannot afford "getting help"

I'm a miserable person but can I least be left alone in peace, in my misery?

I don't wanna hear from some random bully I had in middle school or highschool, I dont wanna hear from someone who had an obsessive crush on me, I don't want to hear from people that hurt me deliberately and showed time and time again, that they hate me and mock me no matter how I try to act

I am tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of watching my mother get more frail and sick every week.

I am tired of crying, I'm tired of being angry, I wish I would receive actual help and guidance but can't afford it

It doesn't help that I started to isolate myself after being abused and bullied for years, to point when I got expelled from highschool, I cannot even afford a tutor and I'm too frail for any trade work, even if I were to try to get one, I'd still be rejected cause I'm not a man and that's just how things are where I live.

I don't wanna be like Job, I don't want to struggle, I already have close to nothing, I don't wanna lose anything or anyone around me

Yes, I wish that a good god would be real but I don't believe in anything, I've been way too hurt by my past to delude myself into believing, even if I'm drawn to it.

I want to see actual changes, I want to be happy, I want something surprising to happen, I want to move up in life, I want to feel protected from anyone who tries to mock me and hurt me.

I don't know what to do.

I like sporty, girly yet edgy outfits, even if I prioritise comfort

Don't get me wrong, I love grey, brown, black, but I can't dress fully goth in my current environment and those are my favourite colours, I also like muted ones and pastel ones

Like Delicious In the Dungeon

Freieren

Snow White with the Red hair

The saint's power is omnipotent

Bibliophile Princess

Nothing "ecchi" or sexual

I've been drawn to the world of My life reincarnated as a slime, Konosuba, but I heard some questionable stuff

I don't want you guys to fight over this but I need some guidance

I struggled on my walk, I struggled with doubt and even if I am skeptical, even if I went through a lot of struggles and pain, I still feel drawn to this faith.

I simply cannot ignore it, I pray even if I'm skeptical, I even pray for the people that bullied me, stalked me or abused me, so they'll heal and become better people, to stay away from me, to not harm other people.

When I was a child, I used to watch a bunch of christian movies, especially ones about the gospels and exodus.

Later in life, I watched the old Superbook and then the first few seasons of The Chosen, read stories about saints, I watched Breaking In the habit's videos, Pints of Aquinas, Trent Horn, Jay Dyer, Mike Winger, Melissa Dougherty and a ton of apologetics from different denominations.

Now, I'm not denying that I feel lost sometimes, when I was a teen I started to watch a lot of debates and testimonies from different religions.

I still struggle with doubt and everything that I went through, but I cannot suppress my interest.

It felt very special when I found the Chosen because of Father Casey' videos, some years ago, I felt more hope about my life, I don't feel any better nowadays but, I still to back to this no matter what I do.

Last year, I ordered a free bible from free Bible distribution site but, it only contains the New testament and has the Recovery Translation.

This doubt hurts me, even if I might be agnostic, even if I won't become a devout christian, i want to learn more.

I used to be passionate about this when I was child but, after experiencing so much pain, I couldn't continue.

I also learned about christianity in school, my grandmother was very strict but we never owned a bible.

My mother grew up the communistic era of our country, so she prays from me, for health, for us to be happy but, doesn't go to church, she's not necessarily practicing but she is a believer.

What would you do if you were in my case?

I don't know any christians that aren't actually lukewarm, most young people over here just go to church during Easter, to have their food blessed, distribute the holy light amongst themselves, make offerings as a remembrance of their departed family members and for weddings.

Everything feels so contradictory at times when I learn about all these different denominations.

I'm tired of the way it feels, despite the fact that I'm a skeptic, I wish that someone out there would look out for me, I wish a good God would exist.

I don't want to carry all these burdens, I don't want to be hurt by others anymore.

It's one of my passions, from collecting, learning about it and the science behind it, chemistry to the DIY part of putting them together.

Bandori as a franchise means a lot to me, not only did it make me feel more understood after coming out but, the songs from the anime and the game still cheer me up to this day, I don't think there's anything quite like it, it helped me accept who I am, along with the aesthetics I gravitate toward.

I just wanted to put this question here, for the fans of the series instead of a random perfume sub that wouldn't have any idea what the characters are like.

What kind of notes and scent profiles they would like?