u/Professional_Win3910

I just crashed. I’ve been dealing with racing suicidal images thoughts (all intrusive) since the end of January. I have failed over 5+ meds and I am beginning to feel hopeless , I am hopeless. Working out every day, going to work - I have crashed.
I’m laying in bed missing another day of work and my brain just keeps going “I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared”, “I don’t want to die I don’t want to die I don’t want to die”. I LOVE MY FAMILY, I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL BABIES I AM THINKING OF AND I AM HEARTBROKEN that I have fell apart. I feel like a scared animal stuck , frozen in fight or flight. I don’t want to leave this earth, I want to get better. I feel like I can never forgive myself for the horrific thoughts I’ve had (fear or hurting my family, myself , fear of not wanting to be here, fear of going crazy). I feel as if i have lost my mind. I feel like I have a traumatic brain injury that won’t heal. I want my life back. I fear i am too far gone. Is there any way of coming back? I am in tears as I write this, shaking.

I just crashed. I’ve been dealing with racing suicidal images thoughts (all intrusive) since the end of January. I have failed over 5+ meds and I am beginning to feel hopeless , I am hopeless. Working out every day, going to work - I have crashed.
I’m laying in bed missing another day of work and my brain just keeps going “I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared”, “I don’t want to die I don’t want to die I don’t want to die”. I LOVE MY FAMILY, I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL BABIES I AM THINKING OF AND I AM HEARTBROKEN that I have fell apart. I feel like a scared animal stuck , frozen in fight or flight. I don’t want to leave this earth, I want to get better. I feel like I can never forgive myself for the horrific thoughts I’ve had (fear or hurting my family, myself , fear of not wanting to be here, fear of going crazy). I feel as if i have lost my mind. I feel like I have a traumatic brain injury that won’t heal. I want my life back. I fear i am too far gone. Is there any way of coming back? I am in tears as I write this, shaking.

I just crashed. I’ve been dealing with racing suicidal images thoughts (all intrusive) since the end of January. I have failed over 5+ meds and I am beginning to feel hopeless , I am hopeless. Working out every day, going to work - I have crashed.
I’m laying in bed missing another day of work and my brain just keeps going “I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared”, “I don’t want to die I don’t want to die I don’t want to die”. I LOVE MY FAMILY, I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL BABIES I AM THINKING OF AND I AM HEARTBROKEN that I have fell apart. I feel like a scared animal stuck , frozen in fight or flight. I don’t want to leave this earth, I want to get better. I feel like I can never forgive myself for the horrific thoughts I’ve had (fear or hurting my family, myself , fear of not wanting to be here, fear of going crazy). I feel as if i have lost my mind. I feel like I have a traumatic brain injury that won’t heal. I want my life back. I fear i am too far gone. Is there any way of coming back? I am in tears as I write this, shaking.

I am fighting with every ounce of my heart and soul. I love my family so deeply, and I am suffering horribly from suicidal intrusive thoughts- I don’t want to leave this earth I truly don’t - but I am just being plagued by these horrific thoughts and I fear I will never overcome this. Multiple failed meds - therapies - no childhood trauma - only fertility trauma - I truly don’t know why this is happening. Please give me hope.

I am fighting with every ounce of my heart and soul. I love my family so deeply, and I am suffering horribly from suicidal intrusive thoughts- I don’t want to leave this earth I truly don’t - but I am just being plagued by these horrific thoughts and I fear I will never overcome this. Multiple failed meds - therapies - no childhood trauma - only fertility trauma - I truly don’t know why this is happening. Please give me hope.

Mine are more intrusive and scare the living crap out of me. I am 6 months post partum and they are worse than ever and I’m truly reaching my breaking point. I’m scared and I’m desperate.

Has anyone overcome suicidal thoughts? Please tell me it’s possible.

Hello everyone,

Has anyone been hospitalized? If so for how long? Did it help? Did they change meds? I have been dealing with this for years- and it is now 100x worse being 6 months post-partum. Medications have not helped me and I am honestly just scared. I feel HORRIFIC. Between med changes- lack of sleep, I feel worse than burn out. I need help. I do NOT want to hurt myself but I am feeling pretty hopeless that I am not getting any relief. I love my family and babies more than anything in this world, but I am desperate and about to check in tonight.

I don’t seem to be responding to typical antidepressants. I’m getting desperate for relief. I am having intrusive suicidal thoughts and images. These started after two back to back pregnancy losses in 2021. I now have had two healthy pregnancies resulting in my beautiful children who I love. I am currently 6 months post partum. However I just cannot get past these suicidal thoughts. Anyone have success with either ?

Did anyone benefit going in patient? Did it help you get the right meds? I really don’t even know what to do anymore.

Anyone try ketamine therapy? And if so did you have success ?

Mine all stemmed from back to back pregnancy loss. I now have two beautiful babies, I want to move on with my life. 6 months post partum- countless meds, therapies, I exercise every day, eat 95 percent clean, and I still in the darkness. I’m just losing hope, I really am.

When did you feel benefits after starting Caplyta? Weeks? Months?

What is going on with me?

I have lived a great life, I was pretty much always happy and confident and I come from a very supporting and loving family, I have great friends, a loving husband and I was free of any major mental health issues other than untreated adhd. In 2021 I had back-to-back pregnancy losses (one termination and one miscarriage). After that it was as if my body then was in a permanent state of "fight or flight". I started having debilitating anxiety, felt detached from myself, high heart rate, high blood pressure all in which I never had prior to the pregnancy losses. Then I started having suicidal images of myself: scared to cook, scared to sleep on the couch in case I stabbed myself, scared to drive past ACE Hardware in case I brought a rope, making up scenarios in my head "well she just couldn't take it anymore". These images ARE CONSTANT. Fast forward some time, I then pursued IVF in which finally resulted in the birth of my beautiful daughter. When I was pregnant with her I sort of didn't have the constant suicidal images but it was always there. After I had her, I was scared to bath her sometimes in case I would lose control and drown her, but it wasn't debilitating. I also welcomed my 2nd child this past December, a stunning baby boy. All the feelings started combing back the end of January. RACING RACING RACING CONSTANT NON STOP suicidal images/thoughts. I also feel very disconnected from myself again and reality. Am I real? Is life real? What is the point of life? Even though I know I know how life is a blessing. I see images of myself being trapped in a mental hospital to keep myself alive. I never feel safe. I truly do not understand how I am still going. I try so hard to be healthy: I eat pretty clean, I exercise daily, I don't do drugs, I rarely even socially drink anymore. I NEVER feel at peace, not even in my sleep. I constantly feel like I am tweaked out on drugs because I try and keep myself busy. I think about death almost every minute- not wanting to die but how my parents are next, then I will be next. Its almost like I cannot accept we all die. If i do not want to die. Then why am I having suicidal thoughts? My brain feels inflamed, I swear it feels like I have had a brain injury which I never have had. I love my kids, my husband and my family so much- I do not want to leave them. I just desperately need peace, I cannot keep living like this its god damn horrific. I know I am good person, I am confident, I don't hate myself but I HATE my brain for doing this to me. I just cannot believe I am trapped in this state. What is this? I cannot for the life of me get a clear diagnosis from therapists and psychiatrists. Is this OCD? Is this PTSD? Is this GAD? Is this depression? Is this psychosis? Is this untreated ADHD? I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME BUT ALL I KNOW IS I FEEL HORRIFIC AND I WANT MY F*CKING LIFE BACK! I have tried zoloft, abilify, clomipramine, lexapro, lamictal all with NO relief. I just started luvox and caplyta. 

I want to live, I want to feel good again, I want my life back, but I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS FOREVER.

What is going on with me?

I have lived a great life, I was pretty much always happy and confident and I come from a very supporting and loving family, I have great friends, a loving husband and I was free of any major mental health issues other than untreated adhd. In 2021 I had back-to-back pregnancy losses (one termination and one miscarriage). After that it was as if my body then was in a permanent state of "fight or flight". I started having debilitating anxiety, felt detached from myself, high heart rate, high blood pressure all in which I never had prior to the pregnancy losses. Then I started having suicidal images of myself: scared to cook, scared to sleep on the couch in case I stabbed myself, scared to drive past ACE Hardware in case I brought a rope, making up scenarios in my head "well she just couldn't take it anymore". These images ARE CONSTANT. Fast forward some time, I then pursued IVF in which finally resulted in the birth of my beautiful daughter. When I was pregnant with her I sort of didn't have the constant suicidal images but it was always there. After I had her, I was scared to bath her sometimes in case I would lose control and drown her, but it wasn't debilitating. I also welcomed my 2nd child this past December, a stunning baby boy. All the feelings started combing back the end of January. RACING RACING RACING CONSTANT NON STOP suicidal images/thoughts. I also feel very disconnected from myself again and reality. Am I real? Is life real? What is the point of life? Even though I know I know how life is a blessing. I see images of myself being trapped in a mental hospital to keep myself alive. I never feel safe. I truly do not understand how I am still going. I try so hard to be healthy: I eat pretty clean, I exercise daily, I don't do drugs, I rarely even socially drink anymore. I NEVER feel at peace, not even in my sleep. I constantly feel like I am tweaked out on drugs because I try and keep myself busy. I think about death almost every minute- not wanting to die but how my parents are next, then I will be next. Its almost like I cannot accept we all die. If i do not want to die. Then why am I having suicidal thoughts? My brain feels inflamed, I swear it feels like I have had a brain injury which I never have had. I love my kids, my husband and my family so much- I do not want to leave them. I just desperately need peace, I cannot keep living like this its god damn horrific. I know I am good person, I am confident, I don't hate myself but I HATE my brain for doing this to me. I just cannot believe I am trapped in this state. What is this? I cannot for the life of me get a clear diagnosis from therapists and psychiatrists. Is this OCD? Is this PTSD? Is this GAD? Is this depression? Is this psychosis? Is this untreated ADHD? I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME BUT ALL I KNOW IS I FEEL HORRIFIC AND I WANT MY F*CKING LIFE BACK! I have tried zoloft, abilify, clomipramine, lexapro, lamictal all with NO relief. I just started luvox and caplyta. 

I want to live, I want to feel good again, I want my life back, but I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS FOREVER.

I took my first dose (21 MG) last night- and I felt horrific today. I could barely get out of bed- I actually was late to work because I needed more sleep (I never do that), and I feel groggy, disoriented, tired, foggy, my body feels slow too. I am beginning to lose hope with psych meds because none of have helped me thus far- but none also made me feel this crappy. I don't know if I just stop as I only took one dose, or keep on going with this...I feel so bad mentally that I honestly cannot afford to be feeling horrific physically too because I push myself every day to cook , eat clean, and exercise for my mental health. I believe I will fall apart if I feel horrific physically as well.

Anyone have luck with antipsychotic augmentation to their ssri? My doc is now recommending I try Caplyta along with Luvox. I just started Luvox 2 weeks ago- but lexapro and Zoloft unfortunately did not help me. I am so desperate for relief.

Any success stories with caplyta ?

Did ketamine therapy put your suicidal thoughts into remission? Along with therapy and healthy life style (all which I am currently doing other than starting ketamine therapy), did you get your quality of life back? What is it like not having suicidal thoughts ? I feel so guilty for having these thoughts and I’m worried my brain will never adapt to normalcy ever again.

Did ketamine therapy put your suicidal thoughts into remission? Along with therapy and healthy life style (all which I am currently doing other than starting ketamine therapy), did you get your quality of life back? What is it like not having suicidal thoughts ? I feel so guilty for having these thoughts and I’m worried my brain will never adapt to normalcy ever again.