u/blob4life_4ever

I have a child slightly under 2 years old. I have majority but not full custody. My mom and dad help me when I’m working and occasionally otherwise so that I can take care of things or myself (I suffer from depression/anxiety and am in a high-conflict coparenting situation). I know that I’m lucky for this and I’m grateful. I am with my child the majority of the time though when not working.

My parenting time is on weekends and most weekdays** otherwise I wouldn’t be asking or really in the scenario. I try to schedule coffee dates during my lunch break so that it’s a time where my child is already with someone else where I’d be gone anyway but that’s not always possible. Same applies to dinner with friends maybe a 1-2 times per month. So: Is it okay to occasionally have hourish long dates? What about dinner with friends?

Mother has been with the child every day since they were born. Father has not been that involved (substance abuse recovery). He wants 50/50 but the child is not comfortable around him yet. How old is appropriate for overnights, or other ways to say when is appropriate, scientifically speaking?

My ex has an aggressive lawyer who has previously been suspended for lying and submitting false documents. My first lawyer was good but a solo practitioner who couldn’t keep up with her filings, and his $450/hr rate became unaffordable.

My second lawyer is friends with opposing counsel and, according to another attorney, wants to work for him. She keeps pressuring me to change my positions and hasn’t adequately advocated for my priorities regarding custody. She even told me our baby would get used to her father and wouldn’t know the difference if she wore my perfume.
My retainer has now run out. I paid toward the balance just to get confirmation about whether documents/witnesses were timely submitted, but they won’t answer unless I replenish the retainer—even though I’m not asking them to do new legal work.

I’ve been referred to a third attorney, have spoken with him twice, and feel he would represent me better. He’s offering a discount and has a higher retainer but lower hourly rate.

I’m worried switching twice will make me look unstable to the judge, especially since opposing counsel is already using my PPD and SSRI against me. Would the judge view switching twice negatively, or is competent representation more important?

I would have to get another lawyer to fight for 70/30%. But it seems the belief of the court is that both parents deserve equal time.

I don’t think it’s in the best interest of our very young child to be ripped away from her primary caregiver half the time, and given to a father who is an addict recently out of outpatient. However, I am afraid that if I fight I will seem like I’m alienating and then get less.

The judge (and the courts in NJ) favors/favor 50/50. Despite substance abuse concerns and a CPS endangerment report, the courts seem to look positively on his rehab stay even though he’s in early recovery.

Is there a point in fighting for primary cusrody (in which case, I’d need to switch lawyers to one who is more aggressive)? We have an infant and I’ve been her primary caregiver since birth. My current lawyer’s reasoning is the baby will “get used to it” in response to talks about attachment theory. I think this court feels the same. And my ex is trying to say I’m crazy/can’t handle full custody due to my anxiety (and submitted into evidence a text I sent him about wishing I had an abortion during pregnancy, plus pics of my medications). So I’m concerned if I fought, I’d lose.

I just used up my second retainer with this firm and am waiting to get paid. Have always paid on time and promptly but this time I’m broke as a single mom and need more time to pay in full. They are not answering me on basic timely questions (such as what was filed prior to the retainer ending as we were preparing documents for trial, or if I’d be notified were his lawyer to file something while I gather my funds). My previous attorney didn’t do this. He would even tell me long after my retainer expired (which I didn’t know it had) and offered flexibility in paying.

Anyway is this malpractice or unethical or normal?

I’ve had 2 lawyers in my NY high-conflict divorce case. Opposing counsel has made excessive filings and it’s cost me a small fortune.

I just used up my second retainer with this firm and am waiting to get paid. Have always paid on time and promptly but this time I’m broke as a single mom and need more time to pay in full. They are refusing to answer basic questions (such as what was filed prior to the retainer ending as we were preparing documents for trial, or if I’d be notified were his lawyer to file something while I gather my funds). No answer. My previous attorney didn’t do this. He would even tell me long after my retainer expired (which I didn’t know it had) and offered flexibility in paying.

Anyway is this malpractice or unethical or normal?

Finale spoiler alert.

Or did the end imply that she was one now saying to another assistant that they will be her assistant now?

Mediation is coming up during a high-conflict, expensive custody battle with someone who frequently lied (which led to a false CPS report), abused substances (when I found out this I made him leave, which of course makes me some sort of alienating villain to him, his attorney, and enabling family). He is only just getting in person parenting time again and I can’t even look at him, I am so disgusted. Other than the child-related concerns (including CPS) I also discovered some disgusting things he did during our relationship—wouldn’t have continued dating or married him if I knew that he did those things to me.

I am having an anxiety attack thinking about this. We have not discussed anything outside of court and even in court, he hasn’t taken accountability and continues to lie in an attempt to control me/the situation. He is not thinking about what is in our child’s best interest. I just feel so angry.

Advice?

I wish that I never got divorced despite how deeply unhappy I was. My husband was an addict (I thought he was sober for 15 years) and admitted to abusing alcohol/weed secretly before caring for our baby (of course, now he claims it was never before caretaking). He got a pat on the back for going to rehab and was awarded overnights, despite our infant’s nightly routine being with me. It’s been months since she’s seen him other than very recently (and she seems more comfortable with strangers who come up to her in public spaces than him) but in just a few weeks, he is getting overnights. Because he has just as much of a right to custody as I do. No consequences for his actions so that’s great. How can I handle being away from our infant? I won’t be able to sleep knowing a recent addict who has never done an overnight shift who falls asleep way earlier than our baby has her (and of course, he’s blaming my postpartum state on his relapse and making up lies largely for how I treated him). And me raising concerns is twisted to being alienation by him, his family, and attorney. No random drug testing ordered, btw.

Asking for a single mom friend.

I have an infant daughter 11 months and currently have a 70/30 arrangement with my ex. He asked for daily 30 minute FaceTime which I basically said is not possible. Is 3x weekly unreasonable? Court order only says “parent can have FaceTime” but doesn’t specify the frequency. He is gradually re-building parenting time because he hasn’t seen her in months and only had court-ordered FaceTime visitation. I’ve been giving him extra in person time as well to get her used to him again. So it just feels like he’s doing it to establish a “new normal” that’s all about him being with her more than me (I work 9-5 M-Thursday in the summer) or on my days off where I am with her all day.

NJ.

Going through a divorce/custody battle over my infant with a alcohol/opiate/weed addict (when I found out about his secret abuse around the baby, I told him to leave, and he just got out of rehab 2 months ago).My lawyer is friends with opposing counsel (lying, bulldog attorney who aggressively causes conflict). I thought this would help but now I feel like she’s in bed with the other attorney and is being pushed over. Someone in-the-know in family court said this too. My lawyer also isn’t very compassionate to the trauma I’ve went through and my daughter’s well-being.

Are these ethical violations or just being a jerk? Should I get a new attorney? I’d like to ask for my $ back based on these things.

- Pushes me toward a 50/50 parenting schedule, repeatedly saying the father “has rights” and I’d risk losing custody if I didn’t compromise and that I can’t just “focus on what could happen” (ie if something happens to my daughter if he relapses + in general what I believe to be poor safety judgment)

- I told her I wanted a gradual step-up plan with no overnights for a while and she didn’t advocate that in court. Advocated my FUTURE position assuming he maintains sobriety. I was in such distress I did not advocate which I really regret.

- Said that if she wore a wig and my perfume, my baby wouldn’t know the difference and that she’d be able to put her to sleep (in response to me expressing discomfort with overnights bc my daughter has been with me every night).

- Encouraged me to agree to overnights for my infant even though he had only recently completed rehab for child endangerment and was in early recovery.

- Told me “the baby isn’t the boss” and that she’d get used to the change, dismissing her distress and developmental phase (separation anxiety).

- Said that if she represented the father, she’d make the same arguments his attorney was making (e.g., that he could provide childcare instead of paying childcare costs) instead of addressing him violating the court order to pay for childcare

- Made comments about my family that made me feel she had adopted opposing counsel’s narrative.

Wondering if it’s an internet-era thing.

For example: before it was a lot of single-words such as nifty; swell; rad; groovy; fire; lit; sus v.s. now: Skibidi toilet”; “okay ____”; yaasss queen; “no cap”; “it’s giving ___”; “brain rot”; “main character energy”; “tell me you’re (x) without telling me you’re (x)”; “I can’t even”

“Do I look like a hot vacation girl?”

“You look like Ace Ventura, pet detective.”

*Pauses then her eyes light up.*

“Both are sexually viable!”

Long, sorry, and posted this already in another sub.

I have temporary full custody of 10 month old during divorce due to substance abuse concerns and a CPS investigation that led to an order of protection and video-visitation only, suggested by CPS (the investigation was triggered by his rehab stay where he admitted to substance abuse around our baby, which when I found out about I kicked him out, AND him lying about me claiming that I do drugs and threatened to kill our baby, neither of which were true at all). He had saved screenshots on his phone of my texts about me picking up my prescribed oxycodone AFTER MY C-SECTION THAT BROUGHT HIS CHILD INTO THE WORLD as well as a text about wishing that I had an abortion DURING PREGNANCY… so he twisted it into addiction and a threat to kill which is insane.

Anyway, he went to treatment and my lawyer advised to offer in-person parenting time. I did, and he (wealthy/wealthy family) routed to his lawyer several times. It has now been a month of back and forth with hundreds of dollars spent because he will not agree to a gradual reintroduction or having a family member she knows there on his first time with her. He wants 50/50 with overnights starting now—won’t even agree to one of my family members being there for the first 2 hours on his first day seeing her. He has NEVER done an overnight shift. I have put her to bed and been with her at night (she wakes up at least once) since she was born. She has severe separation anxiety (normal for her age) but he doesn’t seem to care. She will cry if someone other than me or my mom or aunt holds her. I am angry because it is clearly not in her best interest for him to just take her for 2 days/nights IMMEDIATELY. She’s going to be traumatized and that’s heart breaking. Also, He just wants to maintain control by getting his way. I literally wrote out a future 60/40 or 70/30 parenting plan but he is pushing for 50/50. Yet he won’t follow my reasonable conditions to go outside of the court order for gradual in-person parenting time.

I hate that I have to go to trial with him, fighting over something in her best interest. He’s also opposing me leaving our HCOL city with her to live with my parents to get back on my feet and then find an apartment there, even though it’s a relatively quick train ride or car ride away, is much safer, and has better schools. Idk. I’m sorry. I just need love right now.

Judge said if he’s making me stay in our HCOL city, he must pay for childcare for our baby and part of the marital home. His lawyer is arguing that because he works 2x weekly, HE can provide childcare rather than pay for it. That seems unfair to me because I have a 9-5 M-F job so that makes it that he basically has full custody when right now he only has visitation rights. What to do in this situation? He’s using this excuse to prevent me from moving 40 mins-an hour away to the suburbs to get back on my feet by living with my parents for a bit (her babysitters). He chose to rent in an area that he knows I cannot afford, even though the schools are terrible here and it’s far less safe than the suburbs.

I need support.

I have temporary full custody of 10 month old during divorce due to substance abuse concerns and a CPS investigation that led to an order of protection and video-visitation only, suggested by CPS (the investigation was triggered by his rehab stay where he admitted to substance abuse around our baby, which when I found out about I kicked him out, AND him lying about me claiming that I do drugs and threatened to kill our baby, neither of which were true at all). He had saved screenshots on his phone of my texts about me picking up my prescribed oxycodone AFTER MY C-SECTION THAT BROUGHT HIS CHILD INTO THE WORLD as well as a text about wishing that I had an abortion DURING PREGNANCY… so he twisted it into addiction and a threat to kill which is insane.

Anyway, he went to treatment and my lawyer advised to offer in-person parenting time. I did, and he (wealthy/wealthy family) routed to his lawyer several times. It has now been a month of back and forth with hundreds of dollars spent because he will not agree to a gradual reintroduction or having a family member she knows there on his first time with her. He wants 50/50 with overnights starting now—won’t even agree to one of my family members being there for the first 2 hours on his first day seeing her. He has NEVER done an overnight shift. I have put her to bed and been with her at night (she wakes up at least once) since she was born. She has severe separation anxiety (normal for her age) but he doesn’t seem to care. She will cry if someone other than me or my mom or aunt holds her. I am angry because it is clearly not in her best interest for him to just take her for 2 days/nights IMMEDIATELY. She’s going to be traumatized and that’s heart breaking. Also, He just wants to maintain control by getting his way. I literally wrote out a future 60/40 or 70/30 parenting plan but he is pushing for 50/50. Yet he won’t follow my reasonable conditions to go outside of the court order for gradual in-person parenting time.

I hate that I have to go to trial with him, fighting over something in her best interest. He’s also opposing me leaving our HCOL city with her to live with my parents to get back on my feet and then find an apartment there, even though it’s a relatively quick train ride or car ride away, is much safer, and has better schools. Idk. I’m sorry. I just need love right now.

Including lies told to a mandated reporter with the knowledge that they’d report it (which is difficult to prove so there are no direct legal consequences). This is truly the most evil trick in the book to get revenge.

Especially when it’s their own child to spite an ex. There is no way they’d know that CPS investigates (sometimes for months) before taking a child so it’s irresponsible. Their child could be taken. What if someone ate a poppy seed bagel or took Benadryl to go to sleep and hot a false positive for a drug? (This didn’t happen to me but hypothetically).

Also, this further strains under-staffed offices, which takes time and resources away from children who are in need or even in danger.