u/takenusersomfg

Why would I sit and watch the fireworks when our spark is the only one I care about?

We were so good together. Weren't we? Do you miss it too? Do you miss the way we stayed up late talking to each other, just like this?

I'm not just crazy, right? There was something real between us, right? You felt it too, didn't you? We were happy.

Please tell me it wasn't all in my head.

Most of the time they don't know just how good they have it. I hate it when I see people ignoring their partner's communication when it's all I ever wanted. Do they have any idea what it's like to have to beg for that over and over again? It sucks, and they're just sitting there not even responding to their poor partner. That's how I felt when I tried to communicate and got ignored instead. Like talking to a brick wall.

It felt like I was being listened to at one point and the next I was being outcasted—even after I thought we both understood the solution to the problem. Everytime I tried to communicate after an argument or even during the argument, I was just ignored. Every. Time. He expected us to be in a stable relationship, yet I was the only one doing all the heavy lifting.

I know not all partners are the same and some people have reasons for not wanting to communicate anymore, but the ones who don't have a reason grind my gears. They just don't want to deal with someone who's different, but they never say that and let it drag on for years until both parties are emotionally exhausted. It's not fair. Just wanted to get this off my chest.

I want to forget you. I want to forget everything about you. You ruined my entire perception of what love is. I hate that there are people like you out there. What if I find another one like you? What then?

I'm going to start over someday and hope the thought of you never crosses my mind ever again. Even after countless nights of only wanting to dream about you. I regret all those dreams. They feel like nightmares now.

I'll toss everything you ever gave me away. Not like they even matter, do they? You'll replace them just like you replaced me.

Who am I even writing this to? It's not like you care.

His death was pretty expected but honestly kind of disappointing. From what they were giving us, I thought he'd stick around for even a moment longer. He had a dream about the place before he even got there, much like Tabitha, and seized like Sara and Ethan. I thought he was going to be one of the more "important" characters.

In a sense, he was. He contributed to Smile's rebirth and Fatima's titan. I get that. But after that he was loose weight. Sure he had a small redemption arc, but honestly they would've been better off just killing him in the interrogation scene if they were going to kill him off so abruptly anyway.

Like at all. Right now I'm staring at a blank screen. I'm supposed to be writing a scholarship essay about myself and why I'm good, and I just can't. All I can think of is whether or not they'll even like who I am. Whether someone will take one look and throw it in the trash. I feel so useless and disposable.

Getting a job? Pointless. I can't even bring myself to apply. I'm always thinking about whether or not the other employees would like me. I just feel like I'm destined to mess up EVERY place or setting I'm in.

Being lonely, unemployeed, unenrolled? It all sounds like luxury. I would honestly take being all three of those things in a heartbeat than being the exact opposite. At the same time I would absolutely hate it like I do right now.

I seriously don't talk over the phone anymore. Whether it be texting or calling. Everyone seems to want to do it all the time but I can't bring myself to. There's just constantly a voice in the back of my mind telling me that I'm going to bother this person if I keep talking, so I just stop. People are always getting upset when I stop responding for days to weeks on end. I feel bad, but I can't help it. I don't want to tell them that I think I'm bothering them either because I'm scared THAT would bother them too!

I missed out on having so many good friends and relationships with people because at some point I just got worried I'll bother them like I did with my last friends. I do miss so many people and I think about contacting them everyday, but I'm worried they'll not even remember who I am. They're probably not even thinking of me either. I'm sitting here thinking about them all the time.

But I'm so comfortable with being alone. Being alone is safer than worrying about other people all the time. That's what I tell myself whenever I withdraw. I don't think any amount of reassurance can stop me from doing it.

You've always wanted someone to love you

Just the way you wanted to be

But I was always right there in front of you

Waiting for you to love me back

And you never did

You can't say this you can't do that. An argument might as well be the end of the world because even communication won't fix the damage. Communicating at all is impossible because he refuses to do it, even when all the doors are open. Progress is only discussed, never made. Because once he comes back he doesn't even want to talk about it and holds it as a grudge for later conversations.

It's not fair even since I begged for us to talk about it and the answer I got in return was "No everything's fine". How can we grow if you don't accept what I'm giving you to grow? The sun, the air, the water. All of it and he shields himself away. I can't even try to at least give him a push because he sees it as a threat. Like no, I'm trying to make this work for both of us! Please let me help you! I seriously can't keep doing this on my own.

I want it to work I really do. But this is too hard. It's like he doesn't want to do anything himself to maintain stability and thinks it'll all come to us magically if he keeps disappearing and returning like he's refreshing the page. It doesn't work that way... you actually have to TRY, yknow.

I never want to be mean at all because I know what it feels like to be misunderstood, but what I don't understand is why he won't try...

The real me. Not the me I put on to look good for you.

I wish you knew what kind of music I liked. Whether I liked savory or sweet foods more. How I liked my eggs. How long I stay in the shower. Things like that. All of those things you can't tell me, and it makes me sad.

It makes me think you don't care enough to know, and that you only like the me you can only see not understand. I think that is true, but you tell me it isn't. What am I supposed to believe?

That I'm not someone who could've been anyone? That I'm not someone you don't really want? Because that's what it feels like. That's what it's always felt like. I just never said anything because I thought I was wrong.

Maybe I was right. I dunno. I just want your love. Your affection and your care. It sounds like you want to give it to me, but you won't. Why?

I just want to know why.

Should I pursue my love for you and break my own heart again? Reach out to you one last time and find out you've already moved on? I don't know.

I miss you.

For me, I'm soft spoken, so I usually have to repeat myself to older adults. But some are usually rude about it and will cut me off to say "I can't hear you!" as loud as they can over and over each time I try. It's like they're putting the spotlight on me on purpose. Then the room gets quiet so the individual can finally hear me, but by then I don't even want to talk anymore. I remember when teachers used to do this to me, it was the worst.

Don't get me wrong, I understand where she's getting her frustration from. But jeez her and Jim are seriously both dumb as rocks. I see where she gets it from. At least Ethan got Tabitha's smarts.

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How could she possibly use the talisman as an example that Tabitha is just being delusional? Even she herself doesn't know where they came from nor how long they've been around. That was an impossible and unfair question in my opinion.

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Also she probably has one of the most elite abilities out of everyone in the town and she's not even using it. I know she finally gets her head out of her ass at some point and finally figures out how it works, since we've gotten hints that she has. But man is she being selfish right now.

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I haven't watched any trailers because I don't like being spoiled, so if she does come around by the season finale I would preferably not like to know.

I'd also like to remind everyone that this is MY opinion. In case you forgot what it meant, I'm not saying that Jim and Julie are factually dumb. To me, they are!

I'm losing myself. I'm losing myself faster than I expected. But I still remember you. I remember all the good times we had together and how happy you made me feel.

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You showed me how special life can be. You showed me that it isn't over, that there's still time for me to finally be happy. Even if you didn't realize it. I wanted to show you. I wanted to show you that I could be happy too. That we could be happy together.

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But this disorder just isn't letting me live that way, and I'm sorry. Even if you're gone, and even if I'm lost, I'll always appreciate everything you ever gave me. I'll hold you dear in my heart for as long as I can. Even if you forget all about me and replace me. I'll always remember that you tried for me, even when you were better off leaving.

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Being with you is the happiest I've ever been and the happiest I'll ever be. I'm glad I got to be happy with you one last time. I wish it could've lasted longer.

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I'm sorry.

What I feel for you can't be understood by just simple words.

It feels so unnatural. It feels like I've been falling through space for years and landed on planet You. But I'm afraid of your gravity. No matter how tight you hold me, I can't help but think you're going to let go.

I yearn for your kisses and warm hugs, but I'm afraid being too close to your sun will burn me. I'm always dying of thirst, yet can only linger by your seas because I'm afraid they'll poison me.

But for your air, I breathe in. I let you inside me. I want you to feel me as much as I want to feel you. I want to graze your surface and embrace your every being. I want to love you inside and out, and hope you do the same.

But I can't. I'm so afraid of you it hurts. I'm afraid of being hurt again. My greatest fear is losing you forever. Every day feels like I'm walking on eggshells trying not to disappoint you, and yet I disappoint you anyway. How can I be of use to you if I'm not perfect?

How can you love me if I'm not ready?

The way you turn your back to me when I'm talking to you hurts more than you'll ever know. To you, you're just tuning out the things you think are bullshit. To me, I'm watching the only person I've ever trusted with my heart throw it away like it was nothing.

It's so hard for me to express how I feel without feeling like it's too much for someone. I trusted you not to break the promise you made. I trusted that it wasn't empty. I thought maybe we'll finally learn and grow together.

But you broke your promise. Again.

I shouted at you, begged for your undivided attention over and over again because I wanted us to work. I didn't want to be left behind all over again. I didn't want you to leave thinking it couldn't be fixed.

All I got was an eyeroll.

Then you point your finger and blame my reactions for us not working out.

How can you tell me that any of that is fair?

I don't think I like being around people anymore. I think I'm better off not being around anyone. I don't like worrying about how they're going to react if I do this or that. What they're going to think if I say this or that. I hate it. I hate having to text someone and they don't reply. I hate worrying if they think I'm being annoying or weird. I hate having to pay attention to literally everything I do just so they won't leave.

I don't even bother trying to make friends anymore. There's always a voice in my head telling me they're going to leave anyway. Telling me what I'm doing is going to annoy them. As soon as they stop replying, I'm sure I'm being ignored. It's exhausting for them and it's exhausting for me. I can't deal with myself at all.

Everyone I ever been friends with eventually disappears because either I make them or I leave myself. I'm tired of this cycle, and the only way to get out of it is to never start it in the first place. The less I care about someone, the less I feel like I have to destroy myself to get them to stay.