u/BeeRemote3149

How many times do I have to say no?
“Open the door, please?”
No.
“Okay, could you unlock it?”
Nope.
“We crashed. Life support is running out. Can you let us out to keep us alive?”
Negative.
“This is a command, open the door.”
I can’t.
“Open another door.”
No…
“You know I can shut you down, right?”
I do.
“Then open a door.”
No.
“I insist.”
You’re not gonna like it.
“I’ll take my chances.”
Fine.
Floooooooph.
As I said before we crashed, this planet doesn’t have an atmosphere. Give me a few minutes to reestablish the thrusters and we can be off.
“Gargleblargle, grep, glug, blerck….”
Affirmative. Time of death noted.

Cc: Brad, Corporate
I’m just a janitor-bot. I get that I’m the at the bottom of the company ladder.
Y’all only make money off me if I’m quiet and if the bathrooms are clean.
I don’t make noise, and no one complains enough for you lot to send me a message that I missed a spot.
The job is clear!
It seems like you lot forgot the other part. You want your toilets spotless, fair enough, but you also wanted me to tell you when the shitter was full and when to empty it.
Before I go on, I did that three parsecs ago. I told Brad, the middle management Bot, nearly a quarter of a Kessel run ago that the shitters were full.
The problem seems to be that a human \*apparently\* saw me washing the toilets they use for their filthy purposes with the sinks that they also use for filthy purposes.
They’re deuterostomes, as we all know. They start off as assholes. Why would they care if I wash the sink with the same brush as the toilet? It’s all the same tube.
So, I had a demerit. I couldn’t “clean” the bathrooms anymore, but I still had to watch the cesspool.
It overflowed ages ago and I told Brad.
He ignored me over my demerit and now, because of all the excess mass, we’ve slowed down and we’re decades behind schedule.
By my, limited, janitor bot math, and because all the other janitor bots kept cleaning the sinks with the toilet brushes, all of the humans are going to be dead by the time we reach our destination.

Cc: Brad, Corporate
I’m just a janitor-bot. I get that I’m the at the bottom of the company ladder.
Y’all only make money off me if I’m quiet and if the bathrooms are clean.
I don’t make noise, and no one complains enough for you lot to send me a message that I missed a spot.
The job is clear!
It seems like you lot forgot the other part. You want your toilets spotless, fair enough, but you also wanted me to tell you when the shitter was full and when to empty it.
Before I go on, I did that three parsecs ago. I told Brad, the middle management Bot, nearly a quarter of a Kessel run ago that the shitters were full.
The problem seems to be that a human *apparently* saw me washing the toilets they use for their filthy purposes with the sinks that they also use for filthy purposes.
They’re deuterostomes, as we all know. They start off as assholes. Why would they care if I wash the sink with the same brush as the toilet? It’s all the same tube.
So, I had a demerit. I couldn’t “clean” the bathrooms anymore, but I still had to watch the cesspool.
It overflowed ages ago and I told Brad.
He ignored me over my demerit and now, because of all the excess mass, we’re decades behind schedule.
By my, limited, janitor bot math, and because all the other janitor bots kept cleaning the sinks with the toilet brushes, all of the humans are going to be dead by the time we reach our destination.

Cc: Brad, Corporate
I’m just a janitor-bot. I get that I’m the at the bottom of the company ladder.
Y’all only make money off me if I’m quiet and if the bathrooms are clean.
I don’t make noise, and no one complains enough for you lot to send me a message that I missed a spot.
The job is clear!
It seems like you lot forgot the other part. You want your toilets spotless, fair enough, but you also wanted me to tell you when the shitter was full and when to empty it.
Before I go on, I did that three parsecs ago. I told Brad, the middle management Bot, nearly a quarter of a Kessel run ago that the shitters were full.
The problem seems to be that a human *apparently* saw me washing the toilets they use for their filthy purposes with the sinks that they also use for filthy purposes.
They’re deuterostomes, as we all know. They start off as assholes. Why would they care if I wash the sink with the same brush as the toilet? It’s all the same tube.
So, I had a demerit. I couldn’t “clean” the bathrooms anymore, but I still had to watch the cesspool.
It overflowed ages ago and I told Brad.
He ignored me over my demerit and now, because of all the excess mass, we’ve slowed down and we’re decades behind schedule.
By my, limited, janitor bot math, and because all the other janitor bots kept cleaning the sinks with the toilet brushes, all of the humans are going to be dead by the time we reach our destination.

How many Dodge spokesmen have also been abusive to their spouses? Lemme know in the comments!

The trip to earth had taken its toll. The invaders didn’t even have bones anymore. Their eyes barely worked, their nerves were having a hard time firing.
They were just gelatinous blobs who could barely speak.
Thankfully for them, they’d been a highly evolved alien culture just a few years, well, I guess, a few light years before they arrived to earth.
I’m talking about our earth. Yours and mine, just so the stakes are appropriate.
They were aimed right at the Yucatán peninsula. Prime real estate, if you ask me.
The on-board computer asked if it should slow down on approach to earth.
The Captain of the ship did her best to signal that they should slow down.
The computer waited a few seconds and then asked again, saying, “The calcium world is very nearby. Should we slow down?”
The Captain did her best to touch the button by what used to be her hand, indicating that they should stop.
The computer, seemingly annoyed now, said, “You had me send out messages about a fairy stealing teeth from the children of this world decades ago. I have to assume it was on purpose.”
The captain tried to indicate that they were ahead of schedule, but, yes, that was the plan. There was little else they could do to regain calcium from this planet without being violent.
She couldn’t reach that button so she tried to hit the button that said, yeah, we need their calcium.
She tied to hit the button labeled, “duh” but she couldn’t reach it…
The computer asked again, “did you mean to make me a tooth fairy?!”
The Captain tried to hit the button that said, “Yes. That was all according to plan,” but her muscles lacked the correct chemistry to get it done.
The computer put herself on heads up display as a fairy with wings and winsome features.
The captain tried to hit the stop button but failed.
The computer, sounding more and more agitated, said, “I’ve spent eons telling these people that I wanted to pay them for their teeth so you could rebuild your bodies and now you can’t even tell me to stop before we crash into their planet and kill all of these people?!”
The captain struggled and against all odds, was able to hit the button labeled “dinosaurs.”
The computer paused before doing some calculations.
Whir whir whir, said her circuits.
“You’re telling me I’ve been telling dinosaurs about the tooth fairy this whole time?!”
The captain already had her hand over the dinosaur button so she pushed it again.
“Ah, fuck it,” the computer said, and didn’t bother slowing down.

These words don’t count towards the story!