u/Prudent-Teaching2881

Basically, I’m autistic. I don’t have great social skills and I’m always questioning myself whether I’m doing something correctly or if I’m being weird. I know there’s a chance my son might be autistic as there is a genetic component to autism. However, I have put a lot of effort into teaching my son social skills appropriate for his age (he’s 9 months).

He’s recently learned how to wave hello and goodbye, so regardless of who it is if I’m saying goodbye or hello I encourage him to do it too. Like I’ll ask him once or twice if he doesn’t do it I just move on, I don’t drag it out for ages until he does it (who’s got the time?)

Is it weird for me to do that?

I find it so weird and borderline creepy. It’s different to just having a passing thought. She keeps sending me reels and tiktoks of what she wants to happen at my son’s wedding. She got to make a decision about a lot of things on my wedding, but she won’t get to when it’s my son’s. It will be up to him and his future wife when and if my son decides to marry. It’s like the idea of my son marrying occupies her brain 24/7. She even sends them into the extended family group chat.

I’m just going to ignore this weird ass behaviour but it’s getting on my nerves.

I don’t know if there is a single mosque in the entire world that follows the Quran alone. However, do you guys take your children to the mosque? Like for whatever reason, if there is a janazah, if there is a khatam, if there is a wedding or just for jummah prayers if you do that?

I don’t want to go to a khatam

My in-laws are very difficult people to be around. They consistently act entitled, overbearing and do not respect our boundaries as a married couple or as parents. They’ve done some wholly inappropriate things to me and some genuinely nasty things too. I won’t get into it in too much detail as it would take up too much time to type out, but I feel extremely hurt and I really don’t like being around them. I feel anxiety for days beforehand when I know there’s an event or something where they will be at. I feel so anxious and stressed out when they visit our home. I hate going to their home because they act like it’s their house so it’s their rules about MY child, but it just doesn’t work that way. Because of how much they override our boundaries and because of their entitled and sometimes just plain disrespectful behaviour I distance myself from them. They do not care about my wellbeing or whether I can manage whatever they expect of me, but if I don’t do it I’m automatically not given any benefit of the doubt.

I never stopped my husband going, but I do not trust them to respect our boundaries around our son when we are not present. I also feel a bit uneasy with sending my husband alone with my son because the women in his family are extremely manipulative to the point where my husband doesn’t realise what’s happened until after it has happened, he doesn’t have his attention solely on our son and then will leave him unsupervised with people who have shown us time and again they cannot be trusted.

A very close relative of my husband’s passed away this time last year. I really do not want to go to their khatam. My entire in-laws will be there. It will be the first time some of them have seen our child in a couple months. He is only 9 months old. A lot of these people are so disrespectful towards me, I don’t want to see them. I also anticipate that they will try to take my son off me despite him not wanting to go with them, that they’ll walk off with him, that they’ll try to feed him food that we’ve said he’s not allowed (like honey, cake, sweets, chocolate etc.) that they’ll give him kisses on the face (which we’ve said not to do, but they can kiss him on the top or back of his head etc.) or that they will try to take photos of him (again, which we’ve said not to do only because they were posting him online, putting him into AI, sending photos to people we did not know. We told them not to do this and the reaction was to bypass our boundary, to swear at us and insult us and to threaten us. We now have an online private photo album where only selected family members have access to our son’s photos.) I’m worried all these things will happen because they have happened before.

Our boundaries are not up for debate. Everyone has the opportunity to do right by their children and these are what we feel is right for ours. Allah will ask us what we did to protect, nurture and teach our children. I am doing what I feel I would be able to answer for in front of Allah.

I don’t want to go, but I’m feeling so conflicted. My husband obviously wants me there. I said I’d go for an hour, but I’m still worried. I’ve had chest pain and palpitations from the anxiety and stress of going. I told my husband that I’d recite Quran and do duas for his relative at home, but that I didn’t want to go. He was quite upset.

Before anyone says ‘why doesn’t your husband do anything about it?’ He has, but they don’t let up. They emotionally blackmail, pressure, guilt etc. and he ignores it, but they don’t let up. They just keep doing it.

I really love Miranda Hart as an actor and genuinely think Chummy would be so nice as a friend, but as a midwife? I think she talks too much and just says a lot of unnecessary stuff and I’d just piss me off so much if I was giving birth and in pain. Same goes for Trixie.

My sister is autistic, epileptic and has developmental delay. She is currently unwell with a cold. When she gets unwell she has more seizures. My mum works and is home by 4pm. Right now they are living temporarily in my grandma’s house as my parents are moving abroad and keeping my sister in assisted living as she is now over 18, but it is not yet in place.

I came back to visit my family with my young son who is 9 months old. I would usually stay over at my parent’s house, but obviously they have sold their home and have made arrangements to move abroad. So I’m staying on a blow up bed in my grandma’s guest room.

Anyway, my mum comes back from work today and is annoyed at me that my sister is upstairs alone and unsupervised. I told her I literally left the room for 20 minutes to put my baby asleep and my sister ran back up to her bedroom. My mum said to me that she wouldn’t leave my child alone if he was ill she would just take them into the same room together. I explained my son finds it hard to settle for a nap if there is other things going on in the background, especially now he is teething. I spend the entire day telling my sister to sit downstairs because I could see she was unwell but obviously my son needed my attention too so at least my grandma could be physically present and notify me if anything happened to her. She kept running upstairs as soon as I left the room. There’s only so much I can do.

My mum expects me to supervise my sister as well as manage everything with my own baby too, plus cleaning up so my grandma doesn’t have to, plus cooking for us, plus doing a food shop for us, plus remembering to give my sister her medication 3 times a day. I also have ADHD myself which I’m currently unmedicated for as I was breastfeeding. My sister has seizures which I don’t know how to deal with because nobody has explained it to me. I have 3 vulnerable people in the house with me (my son, my elderly grandma and my sister). Who am I meant to give my attention to first? What if I’m making my baby’s milk and my sister has a seizure? I’m going to end up getting blamed for something that was out of my hands and not in my control because I’m being given too much responsibility that I never agreed to.

My husband and I have mutually agreed that I won’t be travelling back down to visit my family unless he comes with me and even then it won’t be for a more than a weekend. I just feel really upset because the whole reason I came back was to get a break and relax and spend time with my family.

I have a couple requirements.

I am already planning to put £500 into his savings account, so I don’t want to spend a lot of money into stuff that either don’t serve a purpose, are not going to be long lasting or will just end up as clutter in my home. We have a small home and not a lot of storage.

I’m sure people will buy him toys as presents so I don’t really want to give him anything that someone else will get him either.

Any suggestions are very much appreciated.

Edit: we are having a very small birthday party with just immediate family so I want to give him something on that day. We have plans to go do a day out already, but any suggestions for a nice day out would be good too as we haven’t yet decided where.

Why aren’t they just content with seeing him at our home?

My FIL and mum and MIL pressured me into visiting my FIL’s home 3 days post c-section.

My MIL and FIL keep badgering us to visit their home when we are happy for them to come to ours.

All my husband’s extended relatives keep pressuring us to come to their homes with our son.

He’s 8 months old and all his things are in HIS house. Do they expect us to lug all his things to all their various houses just for their convenience? When they come to our home, he can sleep at his usual time in his usual space, eat in his high chair at his usual time, he has various options for food in the fridge, all his toys are here. He’s a child of routine and it makes all three of our lives easier and simpler to just follow his routine.

I just don’t understand why a visit in OUR home isn’t sufficient.

Literally overnight we have got spiders the size of my fist. Found one upstairs in a bedroom and another in the kitchen. I keep my house so clean because I’m terrified of insects and spiders so I don’t know how this has happened!! Is it the weather?

Edit: I regret asking this now. I won’t get any sleep tonight.

My MIL and I generally get on nowadays, largely due to the fact that we have moved out of her house. She is still overbearing and still intrusive, but my husband’s manages her or I just say things as they are. I prefer communicating via text because I can think about what I want to say and I have proof of our conversation. Anyways, we went over to her house on the weekend, bear in mind we’ve not seen her for exactly 9 days. She starts by giving me (not my husband) a huge lecture on respecting elders, they don’t want anything from you but respect, that they just want your time etc. and then proceeds to tell me that she expects us to come every weekend without fail. She said she understands we are busy in the week, but we should make time for family on the weekend. She then said to my husband that if we don’t come she will get ill. My husband and I just looked at each other like ‘wtf is her problem?’

I already know what I’m going to do: ignore her comments and still do whatever my husband and I want. It’s just so damn frustrating that this woman seems so entitled to our time. WE (my husband, son and I) are a family now. What about OUR family time? My husband and I both work, weekends are our own full days together. We run errands, organise ourselves for the week, maybe even have a family day out to treat our son and make some memories. We also don’t just have her as family. What about making space in our lives for other relatives? What about my own parents? What about friends? It’s just what she wants when she wants it.

I do have my own relatives coming over next weekend. This woman said to me that I need to tell her when they come over so that she can come over and say hello, which I’m sure is just another excuse for her to try and get us to commit to this ‘see me every weekend’ thing she wants. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to have her there too. My family is going to travel 4 hours here and 4 hours back. I have very limited time with them as it is. I don’t want us all to feel on edge because my MIL has randomly planted herself into a gathering that wasn’t for her.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually mind spending time with her, but not THIS much.

I don’t even know how to cope with this anymore. I’m so sick and tired of my 8 month old always hurting me. He’s teething rn so he’s extremely clingy but when I pick him up he’s either pinching me, kicking me, slapping me, pulling my hair. I feel bruised from everywhere. I try to stop him and redirect him. Sometimes I put him on the floor and walk away when I’ve had enough, but I can hear him crying and it just makes me feel worse. He can crawl now so he will just follow me around the house wherever I have gone to sit to take a break. He won’t stay with his dad for very long, but then again his dad does work during the day so I don’t get a lot of help or a proper break. At night time when I put him to sleep, he will thrash around and kick and slap and dig his nails into me. I know he’s tired (not overtired - I use an app to help me track his wake windows and nap times etc.), he’s fully fed, done a full bedtime routine with a bath, a book, a bottle. He kicks my c section wound and it’s actually started to hurt again in the last 3-4 weeks that he’s been getting really aggressive. I feel so, so guilty that I’ve shouted at him a few times because he’s just hurt me so bad. He literally pulled out a huge clump of my hair and now I have a bald patch. I was already struggling with postpartum hair loss and only just got back to somewhat normal.

I do try to redirect him and stop him and tell him ‘kind hands’, but he’s just a baby. He doesn’t understand that yet.

What the heck am I meant to do? How do I stop this?

MIL and FIL divorced when my husband was a baby. FIL was genuinely an asshole to MIL so I sympathise with her not wanting to be around him. They are now both remarried and have children in their current marriages.

I am doing a VERY small bday party for my son. Just MIL/FIL, their spouses and kids. I cba doing a huge party nor can we afford it. My son won’t remember it.

MIL previously spoke to me about having a massive party for my son in a venue, with catering, decor, cake and inviting the entire extended family. I didn’t really engage with the conversation because I had already decided I was going to do the party at home with just our immediate family members.

Anyway, now MIL knows the plan she is refusing to attend and is upset with my husband for the fact that we have invited my FIL and his family over on the same day. I just think this is so immature and childish. They both have a child together and both have a grandchild together, yet because they can’t get a hold of their feelings a whole 25 years later she wants to inconvenience us over it! When it was our wedding she was happy to be in the same room as FIL, she even invited FIL to her house.

I’m not budging on this at all. We are not having a massive party. We are doing it where we feel comfortable and inviting who we feel comfortable with inviting. I think part of why she is upset is because how she envisioned her grandchild’s birthday party happening isn’t how it will happen. She claims she will pay for it, but we worked the numbers and hiring a hall would be £240 alone. She recently told us she doesn’t even have money for her phone bill so how the heck is she going to afford a party? Most likely she will end up borrowing from her husband who we already owe and then will keep badgering us to pay him back even though we already have made arrangements with him to pay him in small instalments, or she will make all the arrangements but expect us to pay for it in the end. We are already in debt, we cannot afford to have a party.

She said she hates her ex-husband’s face and doesn’t want to see him, but either way that isn’t our problem. I’m not about to inconvenience myself by doing two separate days of parties or a massive party how she is suggesting. They can either suck it up or not come.

My son will be 1. He will not remember any of it. We are already strapped for cash after having bought a house recently and then an already well in advance planned trip to visit my parents abroad. My husband wants to have a party. I don’t think it’s sensible. He is already in a lot of debt from borrowing from family to do our house up. I’ve said I’m happy to invite his mum, dad, their respective spouses and my husband’s siblings to our house for cake. But my husband (and his mum) seem to want to hire a hall, order catering, invite the entire extended family, splash a load of cash and just make it into a huge thing. And I know we will either end up borrowing money from my husband’s stepdad to whom we already over £4k to or it will come out from my earnings. If we half arse if my MIL will cause a massive drama and it will not be enjoyable for anyone and if we go all out how her and my husband are expecting it will be too expensive for my husband’s wage alone. My MIL says she will help us pay for it, but it’s not even her own money that she’d be using it’d be my husband’s stepdad and, as I said, we owe him a lot already. Not to mention I won’t be able to invite any of my own family because my MIL would make a massive deal out of this too if she is paying for it because this is exactly what she did on my wedding.

I just don’t think it’s necessary or sensible to have a massive fuck off party for a 1 year old who won’t remember and probably just wants to play with his aunties and uncles rather than be paraded about and passed round like a toy to random extended family members he has never met - a small little get together in our home that we can afford without having to remortgage the house is fine in my view. I hate that I’m being pressured into this when I will likely have to end up dealing with the fallout. I’m the only one considering the actual repercussions and feasibility of having that party. It just feels like a lot of hassle and the one who is meant to be benefiting (my son) won’t have any fun whatsoever. My MIL and husband just want an excuse to show off to their extended family.

Had a friend since high school, we weren’t friends during high school but we were friendly. Then during uni we reconnected and became friends, in fact, there was a whole group of us who reconnected and became close friends during that time. We all graduated, I got married, moved away, had a baby etc. but I still always met my friends and made plans with them as a group and individually too. This one friend, I thought we were pretty close. I invited her to my wedding. She even brought her husband to meet my son. She was at my baby shower. She invited me to her wedding too but I gave birth to my baby the same day so couldn’t attend. I still sent gifts and stuff though. All of us friends are in multiple group chats across multiple platforms. Anyway, a couple months after she got married I noticed that she unadded me on Snapchat. I thought maybe it happened by accident so I requested her. It’s been over 5 months and she hasn’t accepted the request. Then she left a groupchat with me and 3 other girls who were the closest out of the larger group. Her reasoning (after one of the other girls asked) was that she felt that it was better that she left the group as the remaining 4 of us were closer. I sent her Eid wishes and she never replied I thought maybe she is busy with married life. But today I messaged her on Instagram and she has unfollowed me or blocked me. And it’s only me she has unfollowed or blocked because I asked my other friends if she had unfollowed them or still spoke to them. I’m so hurt and confused. I don’t know why she didn’t just say if I had done something to upset her. I’ve been singled out from the entire friend group for no apparent reason.

How often do your in-laws come around to visit? Mine specifically come to see my son, which I completely understand because they love him, but they want to come over CONSTANTLY and it’s becoming exhausting.

The biggest issue for me is that they don’t always properly ask. They’ll just say they’re nearby and want to “pop in”, as though that automatically means they can come over. I’m quite blunt with boundaries, so if it doesn’t suit us I’ll say, “Sorry, we’re busy today, you can come another day.” But then they’ll start asking my husband instead. He does say no, but because he’s their son, they’ll bombard him with texts and calls and keep pushing. And it isn’t even just his mum. It’s his dad and members of his extended family too. Sometimes it feels like everyone is messaging at once.

I also recently had a miscarriage. I’m still in a lot of pain and obviously it has been very distressing. We’ve only told my MIL. She has helped us, which I genuinely appreciate. She watched our son when we had to go into hospital five days ago, and she also cooked some food for me afterwards.
But the day before the miscarriage, I had my FIL, his wife and their kids over. I was already suffering with really bad early-pregnancy symptoms. I felt extremely sick and completely exhausted. I invited them over for 6pm and they stayed until MIDNIGHT. I repeatedly tried to make it obvious that I needed the evening to end. I put my son to bed, started clearing everything away, changed into my pyjamas and literally told them I was tired. They still stayed.
Then yesterday my husband’s cousin had a birthday party and my FIL wanted our son to go. I’m still bleeding, I’m in a lot of pain, and I genuinely need my husband around at the moment. I’m struggling with basic things like cooking, cleaning and even walking up the stairs because I’m in so much pain. The miscarriage has also, for some reason, triggered anxiety disorders I already had which had previously been very well controlled.

Despite all of that, my FIL kept telling my husband to “try” to come to the party. He said I looked fine the last time he saw me and basically suggested that my husband should just leave me at home and bring the baby without me. I found that incredibly frustrating because looking fine does not mean I am fine, and I don’t think anybody else gets to decide how much support I need after having a miscarriage.

Just to put the amount of contact into perspective, in the last week alone my MIL has been to our house FOUR times. She has also had my son by herself for two nights in a row. My FIL, his wife and kids have been to our house once, and then today he wanted to “pop in” again simply because he happened to be in the area. Yesterday he was pushing for us to drop everything and attend the cousin’s birthday party. And now, on top of that, MIL wants to come to our house again today.

And I’m just at the point of thinking: why can’t we be left alone in our own house for a bit? We have our own lives going on too. Not everything can revolve around when the grandparents want to see our son.
We have NOT been withholding him from them. Quite the opposite. We absolutely want our son to have a good relationship with his grandparents. I want him surrounded by people who clearly love him, and I appreciate that they want to spend time with him. I’m not trying to stop that relationship at all.

But surely wanting a relationship with your grandchild doesn’t mean you get unlimited access whenever you feel like it? I can’t constantly be expected to accommodate people, have visitors in my home, change our plans or hand over my son simply because somebody has decided that they want to see him that day.

Sometimes we are busy. Sometimes the house isn’t ready for visitors. Sometimes I don’t want to host anybody. Sometimes we just want to spend time together as our own little family. And right now, five days after a miscarriage while I’m still bleeding, in pain and struggling physically and mentally, I especially don’t want people constantly turning up or pressuring my husband because they want access to our son.

I don’t think asking people to arrange visits with us first is unreasonable. I don’t think saying “not today, another day” means we’re preventing anyone from having a relationship with him. I just want people to understand that he is our child and this is our home. We’re allowed to decide when we’re available, and “no” shouldn’t result in multiple texts, phone calls and attempts to get the other parent to change the answer. Just a rant!

Does anyone have a masoor dhaal recipe that doesn’t use onions? I don’t have any onions on me right now and I’ve never made dhaal before, but I’m craving it a lot. I also don’t have a pressure cooker or anything.

If I had to explain my view to someone I would say I’m a hadith skeptic as I don’t outright reject them - if they align with the Quran I’d accept it as truth because the Quran is the criterion upon everything so if anything said the same thing as the Quran I’d accept that specific thing it said as truth - if that makes sense. I’d also say I follow the Quran alone.

Does it ever scare you that you might be wrong? How do we know we are right when it only makes sense to us? Everyone else seems to have accepted the mainstream way of Islam is correct. We are a minority. What if we are wrong and end up in hell?

Struggling with the feeling that I could be wrong about my views of Islam.

This was not the plan at all. My husband and I didn’t want another child for like another 5 years until our first was in school, so I’m lowkey shitting it. But hey ho.

Does anyone have any good recommendations for double pushchairs that for a 13 month old and a newborn? It needs to be reasonably affordable, I would like if you could attach the car seat onto the frame too, and for the basket to be a reasonable size.