u/green-Bad2099

I was able to sit down and read 100 pages for school in one setting... Waow.

I wanted to do a good deed on Monday (I try to do something nice once a week), but I hadn't had a chance to do it yet.  I was worried about one of my classmates who sat with me, because she didn't attend class 2 sessions in a row (it is a once a week night class, so missing that much is a big deal).  Well, she returned on Monday, so I was very happy to see her.  People at my college always ignore me when I try to talk to them (straight up walk away or just don't respond), and she was the only one who'd genuinely held a conversation with me in the 4 years I've been in college (there must be something wrong with me.  Nobody wants to talk to me).  

I had two dollars in my pocket, and I thought it would be nice to give her one to express that I was glad she was back.  So I wrote a quick note on a receipt (left my notebook at home) saying "Glad to see you're back!  Have a dollar :)" and gave it to her with the dollar folded on top.

When I say she looked at me like I had three heads, I really mean it.  She genuinely looked freaked out and actually almost as if she was disgusted by me.  I don't know what I did wrong.  She started ignoring me when I tried to chat with her during our class break.

I think I'm a freak or something.  I swear I'm not exaggerating when I say everyone ignores me.

I can't stop thinking about the expression on her face.  As if she abhorred me and I'd done the worst thing ever.

What did I do wrong?

I'm nervous bc i have a surgery on Wednesday and I just want to talk to someone :(

Edit: not looking for medical advice

I was just prescribed 50 mg Tramadol hcl for my gastroparesis pain. She prescribed it, because I asked for no opioids (since it affects gastroparesis) and tylenol does nothing. Has anybody had this medicine? I’ve never heard of it.

Does anyone know of any support groups for people w/ gp in Arkansas? I need advice that is specific to this state and I’d just like people to vent to and relate with 😞.

I went to the gastro yesterday and it was a disaster. I made a few posts about it while I was spiraling. I haven’t eaten in two days because of my pain and I have not drank anything either. I do not have anything I can drink right now. I have not been able to sleep because of the pain, hunger, and fear. I did not sleep at all last night. I am not exaggerating.

I think the doctor thought I was lying because I told him all I could drink without throwing up was soda. He said that made no logical sense, because the carbonation would make it worse. I throw up every time I drink anything else, ESPECIALLY water. He said water should be the easiest for me to drink.

After I told him that my pain was spiking randomly, at least once a week, without any specific known trigger (known TO ME), to the point of being bed-ridden with 7+/10 pain, he said that makes no sense too. I consistently have 5/10 pain at all times. My pain does not go down. It just spikes.

I don’t know if I’m lying or not. I have only identified 3 safe foods after years of being diagnosed, with them being fish, crackers, and butter cookies. I only found out butter cookies were safe a few days ago.

Maybe I could survive eating just those three things, maybe my trigger is just eating literally anything else. I don’t know what foods I can eat. Everything hurts.

The problem with only being able to eat those three foods without pain is that I live in a household with 8 people, three being autistic children. Their parents do not… parent… The parents stay upstairs all day and let their children run loose downstairs.

My father does not let us go to the grocery store more than once a month. He does not let us get more than one of each item. He goes out to eat every day, so he does not have to deal with the problems I deal with.

Due to only being able to get one of each item, I usually cannot eat my food before the children get to it. I will tell them not to eat it, and I will write my name on my food, but they eat it anyways and then lie to my face. If I admonish them even in the gentlest or get upset, my older sister (the mother) screams at me and says I could just go to the store and buy my own food and my own fridge. I put my crackers in my room, but I am only allowed to get one box.

I do not have a way to go to the store. I cannot drive. I do not have enough MONEY to go to the store. I make less than $100 a week, because I CANNOT WORK DUE TO MY PAIN.

As such, anytime I eat, I have to eat something that will inevitably harm me. And I get desperate enough to do so.

Sometimes, they don’t harm me… and then they harm me the next time I think it will be a safe food. There is no consistency.

The things I KNOW 100% that I will throw up or suffer extreme pain from are: bananas (the worst food for PAIN, not throwing up), water (the worst drink. It comes up within 10 minutes, no matter what. I threw up in my French class (college) yesterday, because I was so desperate to drink something and I had no soda with me), protein shakes/milkshakes, tea, bread, rice (the worst food for THROWING UP), chicken, beef, pork, literally any drink other than soda, and a lot more. I tried lamb after purchasing it with my money (only $7) and it did not hurt, but I have not had it more than once. I do not know if it would hurt next time.

I explained everything I just wrote and he said he had nothing more to do for me and that he did not believe I needed any more treatment. He did some labs, but he said he wasn’t concerned, because I gained 4 pounds from my last visit. I am now 105 pounds. He said I COULD come back in a few months, but said I didn’t really need to.

I have been diagnosed with severe gastroparesis. Here were my results from a year ago:
1 hour: 87% retained.
2 hours: 71% retained.
4 hours: 39% retained.

He is the one who ordered that test.

The reason he DID order that test was because he didn’t believe my initial results from 2022, which is when I was first diagnosed by a hospital (I was admitted for reaching 78 pounds at 5’4 and had to stay for 2 months, only discharged after I gained 10 pounds. I had an nj feeding tube for 6 months.) He said he doubted I had it because I went from 90 pounds to 98 in a year (from my last visit with him, so 1.5 years ago).

I have had multiple colonoscopies and endoscopies. None of them have shown any other explainable conditions.

I do not know. Does this not sound like a typical experience? Am I making no sense?

I have contacted my PCP to see if she can refer me to a new gastro. She does not seem to care about my pain, so I have no hopes. My father will not allow me to go to any other clinic for my PCP and I do not have the means to go anywhere he won’t drive me to.

I have honestly given up.

I’m apparently well hydrated despite throwing up everything I drink, so why would I need to drink anything? And why would I need medicine if my pain isn’t real? There’s no need for it. I doubt I need any of my psych meds either, so no more of that. No reason to take those. And I don’t need to eat anymore, because he said I gained 4 pounds. Wow, 105 lbs. Why suffer the imaginary pain from eating when your weight is completely normal and healthy now?

I am completely serious that I am doing all of this by the way. Fuck everyone and fuck this piece of shit world that makes me suffer.

The gastro said he cannot help me any further. He said he would not refer me to a pain specialist because he didn’t think it was necessary. He said he wouldn’t recommend surgery because it wasn’t necessary. He said he would do bloodwork and a CT scan, but he doesn’t see much else to be done. He said I was doing good because I gained 4 lbs and am now 105.

I will soon not be in this world. My pain is too severe to handle anymore.

Spoilered bc it mentions suicide

I see the gastro tomorrow… Last time, he said we’ve hit the wall of medicines we can try… I am in severe pain every day and I think he is not going to help…

I asked my PCP for a referral to a pain specialist because it is unbearable… I specifically said I didn’t want opioids (I know they are bad for gastroparesis). All she said was “a referral is not an option.”

I cannot stand the pain… I really cannot. I am spiraling. I cannot work. I cannot eat. I cannot drink. Every moment is pain. If I don’t eat, I’m in pain. If I do, I’m in pain. I cannot stand it…

Will this somehow get him to help? This is my “script”…

I’ll memorize the main points before my appointment. My sister said reading it off your phone makes them less likely to help.

I am unable to eat or drink adequately
My gastroparesis has gotten worse
I cannot drink liquids without throwing up.
The pain is bad enough every day that it makes me cry
The pain is preventing me from functioning normally and I cannot work
The pain is bad enough that I have been getting suicidal thoughts, but I do not plan on acting on them
I am bedridden at least once a week from 7/10+ pain

What other treatments are available?
Is a gastric electrical stimulator an option? Will this help with pain?
What is your plan for treating my pain?

I have severe gastroparesis, to the point I cannot even eat or drink water. The ER did nothing when I was in a severe 10/10 attack. Didn’t even give me tylenol, just fluids and nausea meds. I am in excruciating pain every day. My doctors don’t care. I see the gastro tomorrow. I feel like he will do nothing. I am at the end of my rope. I can’t stand it anymore. He needs to do something. Idk what to do anymore if he does nothing. I don’t know. I hate my life so much. I don’t know what I did to deserve this pain. I am so scared every day. I don’t want this.

I have OCD around the numbers one, two (it turns into three), three, nine (it turns into zero), zero, ten. If I see those numbers in numeric symbols (it is fine spelled out), I have to perform a certain action depending on where or what I see it on. For example, I have to read until the next page if I see one of those numbers in a book (such as page numbers). If I don’t do this, I get extremely bad anxiety.

Today, I decided to try to defy my OCD, because my therapist said exposure therapy is key. She said start with something small (I have many obsessions/compulsions), so I started with not checking doorknobs (my least impacting obsession). That went well. My biggest, and most damaging, compulsion is the numbers. I feel extremely stupid, but I decided to try exposing myself to it and refusing to perform any specific action when I saw the number on a game (clicking on something until the number went away). I tried to play normally without looking at the number or clicking. It became unbearable after a few minutes and I started having a panic attack. I think I shouldn’t have tried exposure with something so big.

I tried to control my panic attack but it didn’t go away, because I didn’t give in. It’s been about an hour and I’m still extremely anxious.

Does anybody have any advice for panic attacks? What about exposure therapy?

:( I have (diagnosed) OCD and anxiety about my pigs paws.