u/Potential_Night_2444

Hi.
It hasn’t been easy.

I’ve been stuck in this app for years. It makes me feel ashamed and horrible. I so desperately want to stop.

I’ve managed once. 3 weeks of no use, until I relapsed, and now after a month, I’m trying again.

I guess I just want to motivate all of you and feel motivated too.

We can do this.

Oi!
Tenho 20 anos e recém me formei na faculdade.

Me formei como atriz, já sabia que seria um mercado muito difícil de trabalhar. Infelizmente é mesmo.
Venho buscando alternativas, usando o teatro ao meu favor. Sou fluente em inglês então me candidatei em uma escola de idiomas pra dar aula pra crianças.

Achei muito legal a ideia de usar a expressão artística pra criar um ambiente de ensino divertido.

Bom, consegui uma conversa pra essa semana.
Estou muito feliz mas muito nervosa também.
Quero muito me sair bem, eu adoraria esse trabalho.

Qualquer dica é bem vinda 🥹

Hi!
I'm 20 years old and just graduated from college.

I graduated as an actress, and I already knew it would be a very tough market to work in. Unfortunately, it really is.
I've been looking for alternatives, using theater to my advantage. I'm fluent in English, so I applied to a language school to teach kids.

I thought it was really cool to use artistic expression to create a fun learning environment.

Well, I have an interview this week.
I'm really happy but very nervous too.
I really want to do well; I would love this job.

Any tips are welcome 🥹

Oi!
Tenho 20 anos e recém me formei na faculdade.

Me formei como atriz, já sabia que seria um mercado muito difícil de trabalhar. Infelizmente é mesmo.
Venho buscando alternativas, usando o teatro ao meu favor. Sou fluente em inglês então me candidatei em uma escola de idiomas pra dar aula pra crianças.

Achei muito legal a ideia de usar a expressão artística pra criar um ambiente de ensino divertido.

Bom, consegui uma conversa pra essa semana.
Estou muito feliz mas muito nervosa também.
Quero muito me sair bem, eu adoraria esse trabalho.

Qualquer dica é bem vinda 🥹

Oi. Tenho 20 anos e isso aconteceu há mais ou menos um mês. O tempo está passando, mas ainda está me afetando e afetando minha saúde mental.

Não vou entrar em muitos detalhes aqui. Basicamente, sou alguém que sonha em encontrar alguém especial, casar e ser mãe. Tenho muitos sonhos românticos. Mas (antes disso tudo) eu não tinha nenhuma experiência romântica.

Conheci um rapaz (22) que parecia perfeito, nos demos bem, ele era gentil, disse que também queria ter filhos. Ele me convidou para sair no parque e eu fiquei muito feliz. Senti que finalmente estava no caminho para encontrar a pessoa perfeita.

Mas o encontro não foi bem. Como eu disse, foi minha primeira experiência. Dei meu primeiro beijo naquele dia.

Mas enquanto eu ainda estava processando todas as minhas primeiras vezes, no piquenique, ele começou a falar muito sobre assuntos sexuais, constantemente levando a conversa para esse tema.

Eu me senti desconfortável porque não queria falar sobre isso no meu primeiro encontro. Mas entrei num estado de congelamento/concordância. Eu só queria que as coisas ficassem bem, então basicamente só assenti e ri de nervoso enquanto ele continuava falando sobre o assunto. E também aconteceram alguns toques muito desconfortáveis.

Novamente, não vou entrar em muitos detalhes, mas saibam que estou bem fisicamente.

Desde que cortei contato com ele, tenho me sentido magoada e confusa.

Me senti suja, usada, triste por perceber que enquanto eu estava esperançosa, ele queria só outra coisa de mim.

Chorei por causa disso, tive dores de cabeça, tive pesadelos.

Sinto como se meu primeiro beijo tivesse sido perdido. Minha primeira esperança de romance também.

E não consegui desabafar direito com ninguém. Contei para minha mãe, amigos e terapeuta, mas com nenhum deles me aprofundei em tudo o que ele disse, porque me sinto suja e tímida para falar sobre isso e o assunto. A vergonha de falar sobre as coisas sexuais me impediram de desabafar por completo.

Está preso dentro de mim e eu simplesmente não consigo me livrar disso.

Embora eu me sinta magoada, também sinto que não mereço me sentir assim. Porque nada de grave aconteceu, mesmo que tenha sido extremamente desconfortável.

Não sei dar nome pro que aconteceu. Não sei como me sentir. E me vejo incapaz de contar a história completa para alguém.

Meu sonho de amor e maternidade parece distante.

Tenho me conectado mais com a minha fé ultimamente e venho aqui desesperada por compreensão.

Porque de algumas pessoas a quem contei o básico do que aconteceu, ouvi coisas como:

"Você deveria ser mais assertiva", "você deveria deixar seu 'não' mais claro", "você deveria se manifestar", "você precisa deixar claro que não quer", "eram apenas duas pessoas em um encontro com expectativas diferentes".

Tudo o que eu preciso é que alguém entenda como me senti naquele momento.

Confusa, perdida, chocada, paralisada. É difícil ser assertiva.

Eu também não quero nenhum sentimento negativo em relação a ele. Sim, ele me magoou, mas não quero magoá-lo de volta. Cheguei a me sentir culpada por me sentir magoada por ele, porque eu gostava muito dele.

Só preciso encontrar uma maneira de superar essa situação. Ela não sai da minha cabeça e está me machucando.

Obrigada por ler.

Hi. I’m 20 years old, and this happened around over a month ago. Time is passing but it’s still affecting me and my mental health.

I won’t go into much detail here. But basically, I am someone who dreams of finding a soulmate, getting married and becoming a mother. I have many romantic dreams. But I (prior to this) had no romantic experience.

I met a man (22) who seemed perfect, we clicked, he was nice, he said he also wanted kids. He asked me on a date at the park and I was so happy. I felt like I was finally on the path to finding the perfect person.

But the date didn’t go well. Like I said, it was my first ever experience. I gave him my first kiss.
But while I was still processing all of my firsts, on the picnic blanket, he started to talk a lot about sexual topics, constantly stirring the conversation to that.

I was uncomfortable because I didn’t want to talk about that on my first date. But I went into freeze/fawn. I just wanted things to be okay, so mostly I nodded and laughed nervously while he kept talking about it. And also some very uncomfortable touches happened.

Again I won’t go into much detail but know I am okay physically.

Ever since I cut contact with him. And I am feeling hurt and confused.

I felt dirty, I felt used, broken that while I was imagining a romantic dream, that was all he wanted from me.
I’ve cried about this, I’ve had headaches, I’ve had nightmares.

It feels like my first kiss was lost. My first ever hope for romance lost, too.

And I haven’t been able to properly vent with full detail to anyone. I’ve told my mom, friends and therapist, but to all of them I haven’t dwelled on everything he said, because I feel dirty and shy talking about it.

It’s stuck inside me and I just can’t get it out.

While I feel hurt, I also feel like I don’t deserve to. Because nothing severe happened, even if it was extremely uncomfortable.
I don’t know if what happened to me counts as assault. I don’t know how to feel. And I find myself unable to tell anyone the full story.

My dream of love and motherhood seems far away.

I’ve been more in touch with my faith lately, and I come here desperate for understanding.
Because from some people I’ve told the basics of what happened, I heard things like
“You should be more assertive” “you should make your no more clear” “you should speak up” “you have to let people know you don’t want it” “that wast just two people on a date with different expectations.”

All I need is someone to understand how I felt in that moment.
Confused, lost, shocked, frozen. It’s difficult to be assertive.

I also don’t want any negativity towards him. Yes, he hurt me, but I don’t want to hurt him back. I’ve even felt so guilty for feeling hurt by him because I liked him so much.

I just need to find a way to get over this situation. It hasn’t left my head, and it’s hurting me.

Thank you for reading.

So, I’ll start with context.
Prior to this I had no romantic experience at all and I’m 20 years old.
When I graduated theater college I posted my graduation pictures, and a guy (22) who’s at the same college saw them and started following me.

He liked some of my stories, when I liked one of his back, he started messaging me, and we started talking.
I thought it was considerate that he waited until I gave a signal back, to message me.

We talked a lot and a week later he invited me to see his college play.
I went there, it was fun, and he actually came out after the play just to hug me which felt really nice.

The only thing that bothered me then, was before we met in person, he messaged saying he couldn’t wait to see me in person and emphasizing my height.
I’m very short and he’s tall, and I was always careful of men focusing on my height because it can feel icky.
But it was just that until that point.

The next part was actually sweet, I told him I wasn’t a party girl and he invited me to go to the park, said he would bring books for us to discuss, we would do a picnic and also see the museum.
i was very excited.

When we were sitting on the blanket and talking, he asked if I had ever kissed someone, I said no, and he asked if I wanted to kiss him.
I said yes, I wanted to.
We kissed, and it was okay, but right by the end of the kiss he touched one of my breasts.

I was caught off guard, he didn’t ask to do it, and it was the first kiss of my life.
I let it slide as the picnic went on but that’s not all.

We went to the museum and it was okay again.
But after the museum, back at the blanket, everything changed.

The first thing odd he did was ask if I was interested in sex. Again I was caught off guard because all I wanted was a romantic date. So I said:
“I don’t know? Maybe. I mean, I’ve never.”

He then proceeded to say like:
“If you want to, of course, when you come to my house, we can do it, I’ll show you how it is.”
I nodded, but that wasn’t a subject I wanted to talk about then.

We kept kissing, and that was something I wanted, so I kept kissing him because again, I wanted to.
Then he pulls back and asked if I was “wet”.
I was shocked and said “no?”

I think he took my shock as me saying I didn’t know what being wet meant.
So he explained like I’m a child
“Girls get wet when they’re aroused you know?”
I nodded.

Then he said like:
“This language isn’t taboo to you, right? You know, we’re both artists…”
I made the mistake of saying no, because I liked him and I just wanted things to be okay.

As we kept kissing he said like:
“You’re lucky to be experiencing this first with me, I’m a carnivore you know.”
And biting my neck, which wasn’t really an issue, but rather the way he was speaking about me.

Then he asked:
“You’re not freaky are you?”
(In the sexual sense)
I said no.

And he said
“Of course not. You’re an angel.”
If he knew I was an angel, I wish he was more careful.

Before anything else happened, he asked like:
“Hey, if anything feels uncomfortable tell me”
But I was already uncomfortable and I said a nervous “okay”.

That phrase haunts me, leaving me feeling guilty for being hurt because after all, he asked one time and checked.

It started to get windy, so I started shaking, from cold but mostly from nervousness.
He noticed I was shaking and asked why.
I said “I’m cold.”
He said “cold or something else?”
With a grin. Implying arousal.
I just chuckled.

Then as we kept kissing, because I kept kissing him, I wanted that part.
He started to travel his hand towards my intimate area through my pants.
That moment I managed to roughly pull back.

But he just grinned said “felt something.”
Again implying arousal.
I managed to say, stuttering, that I wasn’t ready for that.
And he said “okay we stick to kissing”.

Which again, is a part he respected me and made it feel confusing.

More happened.
Because as we kept kissing, again he squeezed my waist and my back area without asking.
And I didn’t stop him.
But I wish he asked.

After we stopped kissing, he still talked.
Because as we were just laying in the blanket he asked again about arousal, and when I gave a vague answer, he said it’s a “nice sensation” and “better when it’s sex”.

It’s so confusing. I went home with a massive headache and feeling sad rather than giddy, what I thought would happen after my first ever date.
I cried the next day. And ever since he never messaged me again. I think he knows he messed up in a way.
But ever since I’ve been feeling weird.

Because I liked him so much, I still care about him in a way and I feel like a jerk for being angry at him.
And I struggle to label the experience because again, nothing severe happened, I wasn’t violated, and we were in a public park when it all was happening.
It feels too mild to call it a trauma and I struggle to be angry at someone I cared so much about.

The day it happened I was trying not to blame him.
I was trying to convince myself that my discomfort was solely because I was having a sexual experience without my mom knowing, which of course played a part, I felt guilty about that too because I tell my mom everything.

But I realized it wasn’t all that.

Still I struggle to understand what happened, and I still wonder if I’m overreacting. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. My mind tries to convince me of it.

So, I’ll start with context
Prior to this I had no romantic experience at all and I’m 20 years old.
When I graduated theater college I posted my graduation pictures, and a guy (22) who’s at the same college saw them and started following me.

He liked some of my stories, when I liked one of his back, he started messaging me, and we started talking.
I thought it was considerate that he waited until I gave a signal back, to message me.

We talked a lot and a week later he invited me to see his college play.
I went there, it was fun, and he actually came out after the play just to hug me which felt really nice.

The only thing that bothered me then, was before we met in person, he messaged saying he couldn’t wait to see me in person and emphasizing my height.
I’m very short and he’s tall, and I was always careful of men focusing on my height because it can feel icky.
But it was just that until that point.

The next part was actually sweet, I told him I wasn’t a party girl and he invited me to go to the park, said he would bring books for us to discuss, we would do a picnic and also see the museum.
i was very excited.

When we were sitting on the blanket and talking, he asked if I had ever kissed someone, I said no, and he asked if I wanted to kiss him.
I said yes, I wanted to.
We kissed, and it was okay, but right by the end of the kiss he touched one of my breasts.

I was caught off guard, he didn’t ask to do it, and it was the first kiss of my life.
I let it slide as the picnic went on but that’s not all.

We went to the museum and it was okay again.
But after the museum, back at the blanket, everything changed.

The first thing odd he did was ask if I was interested in sex. Again I was caught off guard because all I wanted was a romantic date. So I said:
“I don’t know? Maybe. I mean, I’ve never.”

He then proceeded to say like:
“If you want to, of course, when you come to my house, we can do it, I’ll show you how it is.”
I nodded, but that wasn’t a subject I wanted to talk about then.

We kept kissing, and that was something I wanted, so I kept kissing him because again, I wanted to.
Then he pulls back and asked if I was “wet”.
I was shocked and said “no?”

I think he took my shock as me saying I didn’t know what being wet meant.
So he explained like I’m a child
“Girls get wet when they’re aroused you know?”
I nodded.

Then he said like:
“This language isn’t taboo to you, right? You know, we’re both artists…”
I made the mistake of saying no, because I liked him and I just wanted things to be okay.

As we kept kissing he said like:
“You’re lucky to be experiencing this first with me, I’m a carnivore you know.”
And biting my neck, which wasn’t really an issue, but rather the way he was speaking about me.

Then he asked:
“You’re not freaky are you?”
(In the sexual sense)
I said no.

And he said
“Of course not. You’re an angel.”
If he knew I was an angel, I wish he was more careful.

Before anything else happened, he asked like:
“Hey, if anything feels uncomfortable tell me”
But I was already uncomfortable and I said a nervous “okay”.

That phrase haunts me, leaving me feeling guilty for being hurt because after all, he asked one time and checked.

It started to get windy, so I started shaking, from cold but mostly from nervousness.
He noticed I was shaking and asked why.
I said “I’m cold.”
He said “cold or something else?”
With a grin. Implying arousal.
I just chuckled.

Then as we kept kissing, because I kept kissing him, I wanted that part.
He started to travel his hand towards my intimate area through my pants.
That moment I managed to roughly pull back.

But he just grinned said “felt something.”
Again implying arousal.
I managed to say, stuttering, that I wasn’t ready for that.
And he said “okay we stick to kissing”.

Which again, is a part he respected me and made it feel confusing.

More happened.
Because as we kept kissing, again he squeezed my waist and my back area without asking.
And I didn’t stop him.
But I wish he asked.

After we stopped kissing, he still talked.
Because as we were just laying in the blanket he asked again about arousal, and when I gave a vague answer, he said it’s a “nice sensation” and “better when it’s sex”.

It’s so confusing. I went home with a massive headache and feeling sad rather than giddy, what I thought would happen after my first ever date.
I cried the next day. And ever since he never messaged me again. I think he knows he messed up in a way.
But ever since I’ve been feeling weird.

Because I liked him so much, I still care about him in a way and I feel like a jerk for being angry at him.
And I struggle to call it SA because again, nothing severe happened, I wasn’t violated, and we were in a public park when it all was happening.
It feels too mild to call it a trauma and I struggle to be angry at someone I cared so much about.

The day it happened I was trying not to blame him.
I was trying to convince myself that my discomfort was solely because I was having a sexual experience without my mom knowing, which of course played a part, I felt guilty about that too because I tell my mom everything.

But I realized it wasn’t all that.

Still I struggle to understand what happened, and I still wonder if I’m overreacting. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. My mind tries to convince me of it.

Hi. I’m coming to ask here because I’m really desperate.
This yea is being incredibly hard on me. Two loved ones lost, a lot of frustration and hurt, and I can feel my old depressive episodes trying to crawl back in.

Today I had a very scary panic attack, I’m still distressed and shaken up, in that moment it felt like everything would collapse, bad thoughts creeping in.

I guess I’ve been struggling with being hopeful about life. Lately it feels like everything hurts and it will never get better.

Thank you for the attention. I’m desperate.

I have always struggled with intrusive thoughts and rumination. My brain will always try to convince I’m a bad person, socially for doing things I enjoy and it will try to kill my joy.
It will stick to a bad thought and process it through the whole day, non stop, making very anxious.

But for context on what’s happening right now:
I always felt extremely guilty for eating meat/animal products. At the same time, I know it’s not an excuse, but comfort foods are very important for my mental health, and I genuinely struggle with some textures. I think if I changed my diet to be vegan I would be in a lot of distress and torturing myself.
That doesn’t stop me from feeling horrible.

Another thing is my passion for cooking. I love to cook. It’s an art, and I genuinely pour all my love into my recipes, some which I even created. Which also involves animal products.

I’ve been through very hard times, and cooking my comfort foods pulled me back together many times. And I feel so horrible admitting this, but: I don’t want to be vegan.
I try to reduce harm as much as I can. I am vegan in cosmetics, and in my cooking I pour genuine love into every single ingredient and I never waste anything. I get genuinely distressed at the thought of wasting food.
I also have 7 rescue cats.

Well, I will soon start a culinary course. It’s professionalizing, it’s amazing, and I’m so excited to try and build a career on something I’m genuinely passionate about. I’ve been going through terrible times and the prospect of starting the course brings me so much joy.
And my brain has been torturing me for that.

For the last few days, whenever I feel happy, excited about the course, my brain will go:
“How can you? You’ll be building a career on cooking animal products? You’re very, very horrible. How can you be happy about that? Not only you eat it, but now you’ll make a career out of it? And you’re happy about it?”

The thoughts won’t stop. It’s a loop of guilt, when I try to talk back it makes it worse, and it goes on the whole day.
It’s been giving me bad headaches for the past 4 days. It’s been troubling my sleep.

I just wanted them to stop. I swear it’s a loop and they don’t go away. Whenever I try to feel happy about the course.

Please I need advice.

I have always struggled with intrusive thoughts and rumination. My brain will always try to convince I’m a bad person, socially for doing things I enjoy and it will try to kill my joy.
It will stick to a bad thought and process it through the whole day, non stop, making very anxious.

But for context on what’s happening right now:
I always felt extremely guilty for eating meat/animal products. At the same time, I know it’s not an excuse, but comfort foods are very important for my mental health, and I genuinely struggle with some textures. I think if I changed my diet to be vegan I would be in a lot of distress and torturing myself.
That doesn’t stop me from feeling horrible.

Another thing is my passion for cooking. I love to cook. It’s an art, and I genuinely pour all my love into my recipes, some which I even created. Which also involves animal products.

I’ve been through very hard times, and cooking my comfort foods pulled me back together many times. And I feel so horrible admitting this, but: I don’t want to be vegan.
I try to reduce harm as much as I can. I am vegan in cosmetics, and in my cooking I pour genuine love into every single ingredient and I never waste anything. I get genuinely distressed at the thought of wasting food.
I also have 7 rescue cats.

Well, I will soon start a culinary course. It’s professionalizing, it’s amazing, and I’m so excited to try and build a career on something I’m genuinely passionate about. I’ve been going through terrible times and the prospect of starting the course brings me so much joy.
And my brain has been torturing me for that.

For the last few days, whenever I feel happy, excited about the course, my brain will go:
“How can you? You’ll be building a career on cooking animal products? You’re very, very horrible. How can you be happy about that? Not only you eat it, but now you’ll make a career out of it? And you’re happy about it?”

The thoughts won’t stop. It’s a loop of guilt, when I try to talk back it makes it worse, and it goes on the whole day.
It’s been giving me bad headaches for the past 4 days. It’s been troubling my sleep.

I just wanted them to stop. I swear it’s a loop and they don’t go away. Whenever I try to feel happy about the course.

Please I need advice.

Hi. This is difficult to write, because I don’t want to blame my mom, I know she’s suffering too and this is difficult for both of us. But I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

My childhood dog passed away 9 days ago. It’s been incredibly difficult, she was my everything for over 13 years.

We have a big backyard with grass where she loved to play, and her toys were still scattered around. Very dirty.
I noticed my mom picking them up, and hiding them behind her hands so I couldn’t see, then heading to the trash.

But I saw it. I immediately ran after her and begged her not to throw them away. She said they’re old, and too dirty to be cleaned, and we don’t need them to remember her.
I know we don’t. But it’s still important to me you know?

She’s angry at me now. I’m begging her to understand and she’s saying I also need to understand her, because she’s suffering too, and I’m “making things harder”. That phrase hurt a lot.

In the end she let me keep the 2 she used the most, only if I cleaned them, which is exactly what I’m doing.

She’s still upset at me and I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I was unreasonable and I know she’s hurting too but I also am. I didn’t want to make things harder.

Sorry, English not first language.

I’m F20.
My father left the house when I was 10 years old. Me, my mom, and my brother who was 15 at the time.

Back then I was so little and never fully understood what happened. But over time, as I began to understand, I feel incredibly confused.
I over time found out that he left because he “fell in love” with a much younger woman. And I knew her as his new girlfriend, but no, he was with her even before leaving our house.

But like, he didn’t disappear. He talks to me, we hang out sometimes, he was at my graduation. We don’t talk frequently, and it’s not the best relationship.
So because of that I never felt like I had the right to say he abandoned me. Because he’s there.

But I have a lot of self esteem issues, and I started to realize, that I do feel abandoned, even if he didn’t disappear.
I feel unchosen. He chose to live with that woman and didn’t choose his children. Me and my brother.

He chose to go live with her. And even if he talks to me, he chose that over living with me.
It’s incredibly terrifying to realize a parent chose not to be with you.

My mother is the best, and she actually encourages me to be on good terms with him. She says he loves me despite all.

But I did start to realize that 99% of my mental health issues, come from the fact that from the start, I felt abandoned.
Like my mind says: if even our father chose to live with his affair instead of us, what are we worth?

And that’s been in the back of my mind always without me realizing.

And I have no idea how to get better. I think what hurts the most is: my father doesn’t really know me.
I’ve been through so much things that he has no idea of. I have so many interests that he has no idea of.
He’s not gone from my life but he’s completely absent from my day to day. And that hurts so much to realize.

And I think what my inner child screams is: why weren’t him good enough to make him stay?

Hi, I apologize as English isn’t my first language.
This happened three weeks ago today but it’s still affecting me in a way.

I’m a 20 year old girl, and prior to this, I had absolutely no romantic experience. It affected my self esteem. I felt maybe was wrong with me or I wasn’t pretty enough. I felt like I was getting too old and left behind while all of my friends lived things.
I graduated in theater, and when I did, I posted the graduation pictures on my Instagram. A teacher reposted them. A guy who is currently in the college and follows the teacher saw it, and followed me.

Over some time, all he did was like a few stories of mine. I saw in his profile that he was a model, and I found him good looking, but at first I was too shy to like his stories back.
Until one day I did so, and as soon as I did, he replied to one of mine starting a conversation. It wasn’t even flirting yet, just light talk.
I was happy, I was excited. A guy was talking to me for the first time ever.

We talked for days and I was so happy. With time he started flirting and I couldn’t believe I was living all of that. After one week of talking he invited me to see his college play. I went there, and after it ended, he came outside just to hug me.

After about two weeks of talking he asked me to go on a picnic with him. He planned a whole day, asked me to bring a book I liked so we would talk about it, said he was also going to take me to the museum. It felt romantic, thoughtful and sweet.
I went to that park feeling over the moon.

When we arrived, it was all normal. We found a spot for our picnic blanket, we sat down, started eating and talking, I showed the book he asked me to bring.
And then he asked if I had ever kissed anybody, when I said no, he asked if I wanted to kiss him.
I wanted and was expecting that, I said yes. We kissed and it was all okay. Until right by the end of it, he squeezed one of my breasts out of the blue.
I didn’t say or do anything but I admit that when it happened I was caught off guard and a bit uncomfortable. But again, I wasn’t sure how kisses were supposed to go.

After that, we went to the museum that’s in the park, and things were normal again. The museum was pretty, we commented on things. I thought the previous incident was just something that would neve repeat itself.

When we left the museum, we found another spot to continue the picnic, and that’s when everything changed. The park was beginning to get darker and more empty.
We were kissing again and it led to making out, which I was okay with. Until he pulled back and asked: “What about sex? Is that something you’d like to do someday?”
I was again caught off guard and I answered very nervously: “Maybe? I mean, I don’t know, I’ve never.”
He then said that if I came to his house one day he could take my virginity if I wanted to and it would “feel like a hug”. I just nodded.

As we kept kissing he asked if I was “wet”. I was so shocked that I said: “no? I don’t know.” He then proceeds to explain like I’m a child: “girls get wet when they’re aroused.”
Like he assumed my answer meant I didn’t know? I did know. But I wasn’t aroused. Again I just nod.

I’m aware at this point that I should have cut him off, told him to stop talking about that. But I was so confused and uncomfortable that I froze and most of the time I just nodded and gave short answers.

Then it started to get windy, and I start to shake from cold but mostly from anxiety. He asked why I was shaking and I said “I’m cold”. And he said, with a grin: “cold or something else?” Again implying I was aroused.
As we kept kissing (again, I know I should stop the kissing but it was a part I genuinely wanted and I thought maybe the other part would go away), he kept squeezing parts of my body without really asking. And even though I didn’t stop him I just wished he did ask.
But when his went down as to my intimate area, I managed to roughly pull back. But, instead of apologizing or acknowledging my discomfort, he grinned again and said “oh you felt something.” As if again, I moved because I was aroused. I was never aroused.

He also kept saying I was lucky because I fell in the carnivores plate, he asked if I’m “freaky”, and when I said no he said “of course not, you’re an angel.” I feel like if he knew I was an angel he should have been more careful with me.
There’s more details but I won’t dwell on everything. I know that when I came home that day I had a massive headache and I cried the next day.

The worst part is, I stopped reaching him out completely. But instead of reaching me out back to ask what happened, why I disappeared, if I’m okay, he posts stories on his close friends trying to bait my attention, even saying like “it’s for you, I know you’re seeing the stories.”
That was my last straw and I blocked him.

But, now three weeks after, even if I’m doing better, I’m doing better, I feel bad sometimes. I still think: what if he didn’t mean to hurt me? What if I misunderstood and how hurt someone? What if I left him feeling hurt because I understood it all wrong?

All I know is from now on I’m scared to go on dates, I’m skeptical and wary and I’ve been feeling icky with any sexual subjects, even if it’s just a scene in a tv show, the language used instantly reminds me of the things he said and I get icky.

But still. Sometimes I feel like a jerk. I didn’t give him any closure, I just disappeared and blocked, and I regret that.

tl;dr: Blocked the guy who I went on my first date of my life with, after he kept trying to make the situation sexual despite knowing my inexperience. But I also feel bad.

Hi, I apologize as English isn’t my first language.
This happened three weeks ago today but it’s still affecting me in a way.

I’m a 20 year old girl, and prior to this, I had absolutely no romantic experience. It affected my self esteem. I felt maybe was wrong with me or I wasn’t pretty enough. I felt like I was getting too old and left behind while all of my friends lived things.
I graduated in theater, and when I did, I posted the graduation pictures on my Instagram. A teacher reposted them. A guy who is currently in the college and follows the teacher saw it, and followed me.

Over some time, all he did was like a few stories of mine. I saw in his profile that he was a model, and I found him good looking, but at first I was too shy to like his stories back.
Until one day I did so, and as soon as I did, he replied to one of mine starting a conversation. It wasn’t even flirting yet, just light talk.
I was happy, I was excited. A guy was talking to me for the first time ever.

We talked for days and I was so happy. With time he started flirting and I couldn’t believe I was living all of that. After one week of talking he invited me to see his college play. I went there, and after it ended, he came outside just to hug me.

After about two weeks of talking he asked me to go on a picnic with him. He planned a whole day, asked me to bring a book I liked so we would talk about it, said he was also going to take me to the museum. It felt romantic, thoughtful and sweet.
I went to that park feeling over the moon.

When we arrived, it was all normal. We found a spot for our picnic blanket, we sat down, started eating and talking, I showed the book he asked me to bring.
And then he asked if I had ever kissed anybody, when I said no, he asked if I wanted to kiss him.
I wanted and was expecting that, I said yes. We kissed and it was all okay. Until right by the end of it, he squeezed one of my breasts out of the blue.
I didn’t say or do anything but I admit that when it happened I was caught off guard and a bit uncomfortable. But again, I wasn’t sure how kisses were supposed to go.

After that, we went to the museum that’s in the park, and things were normal again. The museum was pretty, we commented on things. I thought the previous incident was just something that would neve repeat itself.

When we left the museum, we found another spot to continue the picnic, and that’s when everything changed. The park was beginning to get darker and more empty.
We were kissing again and it led to making out, which I was okay with. Until he pulled back and asked: “What about sex? Is that something you’d like to do someday?”
I was again caught off guard and I answered very nervously: “Maybe? I mean, I don’t know, I’ve never.”
He then said that if I came to his house one day he could take my virginity if I wanted to and it would “feel like a hug”. I just nodded.

As we kept kissing he asked if I was “wet”. I was so shocked that I said: “no? I don’t know.” He then proceeds to explain like I’m a child: “girls get wet when they’re aroused.”
Like he assumed my answer meant I didn’t know? I did know. But I wasn’t aroused. Again I just nod.

I’m aware at this point that I should have cut him off, told him to stop talking about that. But I was so confused and uncomfortable that I froze and most of the time I just nodded and gave short answers.

Then it started to get windy, and I start to shake from cold but mostly from anxiety. He asked why I was shaking and I said “I’m cold”. And he said, with a grin: “cold or something else?” Again implying I was aroused.
As we kept kissing (again, I know I should stop the kissing but it was a part I genuinely wanted and I thought maybe the other part would go away), he kept squeezing parts of my body without really asking. And even though I didn’t stop him I just wished he did ask.
But when his went down as to my intimate area, I managed to roughly pull back. But, instead of apologizing or acknowledging my discomfort, he grinned again and said “oh you felt something.” As if again, I moved because I was aroused. I was never aroused.

He also kept saying I was lucky because I fell in the carnivores plate, he asked if I’m “freaky”, and when I said no he said “of course not, you’re an angel.” I feel like if he knew I was an angel he should have been more careful with me.
There’s more details but I won’t dwell on everything. I know that when I came home that day I had a massive headache and I cried the next day.

The worst part is, I stopped reaching him out completely. But instead of reaching me out back to ask what happened, why I disappeared, if I’m okay, he posts stories on his close friends trying to bait my attention, even saying like “it’s for you, I know you’re seeing the stories.”
That was my last straw and I blocked him.

But, now three weeks after, I’m still feeling so weird, and sometimes I even have nightmares.

But for some reason, I sometimes also feel bad?
I remember that he also had many moments in which he was sweet to me, and my mind sometimes go like:
What if he didn’t intend to hurt us? What if you’re being extreme? What if he’s left confused and hurt now?

I just hate the prospect of possibly hurting someone even if they hurt me. And I remember the times in which he was so genuinely sweet and feel conflicted.

Hi, I apologize as English isn’t my first language.
This happened three weeks ago today but it’s still affecting me in a way.

I’m a 20 year old girl, and prior to this, I had absolutely no romantic experience. It affected my self esteem. I felt maybe was wrong with me or I wasn’t pretty enough. I felt like I was getting too old and left behind while all of my friends lived things.
I graduated in theater, and when I did, I posted the graduation pictures on my Instagram. A teacher reposted them. A guy who is currently in the college and follows the teacher saw it, and followed me.

Over some time, all he did was like a few stories of mine. I saw in his profile that he was a model, and I found him good looking, but at first I was too shy to like his stories back.
Until one day I did so, and as soon as I did, he replied to one of mine starting a conversation. It wasn’t even flirting yet, just light talk.
I was happy, I was excited. A guy was talking to me for the first time ever.

We talked for days and I was so happy. With time he started flirting and I couldn’t believe I was living all of that. After one week of talking he invited me to see his college play. I went there, and after it ended, he came outside just to hug me.

After about two weeks of talking he asked me to go on a picnic with him. He planned a whole day, asked me to bring a book I liked so we would talk about it, said he was also going to take me to the museum. It felt romantic, thoughtful and sweet.
I went to that park feeling over the moon.

When we arrived, it was all normal. We found a spot for our picnic blanket, we sat down, started eating and talking, I showed the book he asked me to bring.
And then he asked if I had ever kissed anybody, when I said no, he asked if I wanted to kiss him.
I wanted and was expecting that, I said yes. We kissed and it was all okay. Until right by the end of it, he squeezed one of my breasts out of the blue.
I didn’t say or do anything but I admit that when it happened I was caught off guard and a bit uncomfortable. But again, I wasn’t sure how kisses were supposed to go.

After that, we went to the museum that’s in the park, and things were normal again. The museum was pretty, we commented on things. I thought the previous incident was just something that would neve repeat itself.

When we left the museum, we found another spot to continue the picnic, and that’s when everything changed. The park was beginning to get darker and more empty.
We were kissing again and it led to making out, which I was okay with. Until he pulled back and asked: “What about sex? Is that something you’d like to do someday?”
I was again caught off guard and I answered very nervously: “Maybe? I mean, I don’t know, I’ve never.”
He then said that if I came to his house one day he could take my virginity if I wanted to and it would “feel like a hug”. I just nodded.

As we kept kissing he asked if I was “wet”. I was so shocked that I said: “no? I don’t know.” He then proceeds to explain like I’m a child: “girls get wet when they’re aroused.”
Like he assumed my answer meant I didn’t know? I did know. But I wasn’t aroused. Again I just nod.

I’m aware at this point that I should have cut him off, told him to stop talking about that. But I was so confused and uncomfortable that I froze and most of the time I just nodded and gave short answers.

Then it started to get windy, and I start to shake from cold but mostly from excited. He asked why I was shaking and I said “I’m cold”. And he said, with a grin: “cold or something else?” Again implying I was aroused.
As we kept kissing (again, I know I should stop the kissing but it was a part I genuinely wanted and I thought maybe the other part would go away), he kept squeezing parts of my body without really asking. And even though I didn’t stop him I just wished he did ask.
But when his went down as to my intimate area, I managed to roughly pull back. But, instead of apologizing or acknowledging my discomfort, he grinned again and said “oh you felt something.” As if again, I moved because I was aroused. I was never aroused.

He also kept saying I was lucky because I fell in the carnivores plate, he asked if I’m “freaky”, and when I said no he said “of course not, you’re an angel.” I feel like if he knew I was an angel he should have been more careful with me.
There’s more details but I won’t dwell on everything. I know that when I came home that day I had a massive headache and I cried the next day.

The worst part is, I stopped reaching him out completely. But instead of reaching me out back to ask what happened, why I disappeared, if I’m okay, he posts stories on his close friends trying to bait my attention, even saying like “it’s for you, I know you’re seeing the stories.”
That was my last straw and I blocked him.

But, now three weeks after, even I’m doing better, I’m starting to have nightmares. He’s gone from my real life, but every other day I dream he appears and says he won’t let me go.
I don’t know if it’s normal to have those nightmares, and I don’t even know if I can say I was assaulted, because nothing severe happened.

All I know is from now on I’m scared to go on dates, I’m skeptical and wary and I’ve been feeling icky with any sexual subjects, even if it’s just a scene in a tv show, the language used instantly reminds me of the things he said and I get icky.

Will it always feel like this? ☹️