u/SeaSale8436

pretty much yeah

i’m tired of pretending like my physical appearance doesn’t dictate my life. i avoid any social gatherings and stay in my room all day, everyday, fantasizing about the life i could’ve had if only i was born pretty. it breaks my heart seeing a girl id do anything to look like complaining about their looks. i’m not saying they can’t feel that way but id do anything to be in their shoes. i’d actually enjoy my life a lot more if i had my ideal looks. i cant accept any kind of friendship or love anymore, i just can’t, because i refuse to believe anyone would wanna love someone like me. i can barely handle a conversation with anyone let alone a relationship with anyone. never had a boyfriend in my life and its probably staying that way. i’ll continue rotting in my room fantasizing about the life i could’ve had if i only won the genetic lottery, but life’s not fair, right?

whether it’s with my family, or people outside of my family, i hate it. there’s a reason why i only have online friends. less pressure without the stress that usually comes with it. saying anything in general is exhausting. the idea of it is quite nice in my head but when it comes to me actually talking, i realize just how much i hate it. i don’t care for relationships with anyone and if anything i prefer it that way. that’s it

my hairstylist was aware that i had box dye in my mid lengths. she put hicolor all over my hair, resulting in hot roots and dark mid lengths. if im not mistaken, the golden rule is that color cannot lift color. but anyway i showed her my inspo which was a rich chocolate brown color. instead i got a patchy, uneven job and not what i wanted. i’m extremely upset about this because i spent over $250 for this service. not to mention, she didn’t get my hair straight like she was supposed to. i left the salon with blow dried poofy looking hair. i had to retouch it up myself at home and i did a better job. also, she also cut off 4 inches of my hair when i asked for only a 2 inch trim because she said i needed it. not to mention she added a haircut fee (which was over $70, without letting me know!) now my hair is three different colors, still dark (but the roots), and is short. my hair used to be waist length and now it’s mid back length. i keep telling myself it’s just hair and that it’ll grow back. overall not happy with my experience.

i start school soon, and i’m not ready to go back, at all. physically i am, but mentally i am not. the thought of it gave me heart palpitations and a damn near anxiety attack. during the orientation at school, i started crying. i don’t know if it’s because i got overwhelmed or what. i mean, there was music booming and tons of people. i’ve self isolated myself for the whole year, so that could be why. i’m just nervous about going back because i haven’t been in school since january. i transferred to online classes due to other reasons. for this semester, i won’t be going to classes everyday, so i have no reason to be this anxious, right? i don’t know anymore. i’m afraid my thoughts will win over me and ill start crying in front of people when they try talking to me. i have selective mutism so i usually shut down in public. hate talking. i try to not talk at all, if possible. the main problem is the crying. whenever km very overwhelmed, i start crying. and i hate crying in front of people, it’s embarrassing. i just need a way to not cry when someone actually tries talking to me. so i don’t look like a freaking weirdo

i am tired of people claiming otherwise. as someone who was raised by incredibly racist and bigoted people, i beg to differ. to be completely honest, i used to be a bigoted piece of shit, and i fully acknowledge that now. i grew up in an environment entirely devoid of empathy, surrounded by people who lacked any moral compass.

everything shifted when i stumbled upon a comment explaining the psychology behind racism, which completely altered my perspective. i began researching and watching accounts of other people's lived experiences to truly comprehend the systemic realities they face daily. taking that initiative is easily the best decision i have ever made.

while it is true that you are a product of your environment, that does not absolve you of personal agency. we have a wealth of information at our fingertips to help us evolve, meaning there is absolutely no justification for racism. i only adopted those toxic mentalities because of the pervasive influence of the people around me.

i recognize color, and i choose to treat everyone with equal dignity. it is unacceptable to mistreat someone based on inherent traits they have no control over. if you are still harboring those prejudiced beliefs, please do the inner work to evolve and choose empathy instead. it is never too late to change.

i see people on here complaining about the admin abuse every single time. today’s admin abuse was undoubtedly the best one yet! we literally got over 4k in cash and so many eggs and boxes! not to mention the cute cupcakes! if anyone has anything bad to say, you’re simply so spoiled.

i don’t get any satisfaction out of it and at times i don’t even know what to say. i’m just so awkward that it pains me. i’d rather stay quiet forever than having to talk to anyone. even a simple “hi” is too much for me. i enjoy silence. every time i go out, it’s a generous reminder as to why i do. i don’t understand how anyone could enjoy talking for any reason. some people think i come off as rude, cold, or even annoyed and the truth is, i am annoyed!! i don’t want to talk to you, or anyone else at that. why is it so hard to leave others alone? of course if my professor or a partner at school that i had to work with were to talk to me, i have to respond. (it used to be so bad that i’d freeze and just stare at them while awkwardly smiling with teary eyes) but i hate it so much because apparently my voice is quiet and when they tell me to speak up i start tearing up a little and my voice comes out more quiet and now shaky. i just hate talking so much. only with my sister, but that’s about it. no other exceptions. i could go all day without talking

a little context: 18f, i suspect my symptoms align with szpd. i’m fully aware online screenings aren't a substitute for a clinical assessment, but they consistently indicate strong alignment with szpd traits. these symptoms are significantly reducing my quality of life. ever since i turned 18 i’ve noticed it has been more prominent than before. (someone has brought this to my attention, so i went ahead and did some research on it.)

i prefer to be a background character, and i truly want no attention, at all. not even the unwanted attention that comes from people pointing out how quiet i am. i don’t understand why that would even concern you. what part of my desire for silence is not registering? yes, i am fully capable of speaking, but i genuinely prefer not to. small talk is incredibly draining, and forcing me into long conversations leaves me feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed.

doesn’t matter if it’s a doctors appointment, dentist appointment, grabbing groceries, or ordering food. i feel awkward before, during, and after it and it’s all i’ll think about for the remainder of the day. i feel sorry for anyone who has to interact with me because i know how painfully awkward i can be sometimes. school is starting up and i wanted to apply for online classes but i believe the spots were taken. now i have to have real interaction with people. i’m not trying to sound like a loser, but the thought of it made me nearly throw up and i’ve been dizzy and anxious all week because of it. i’m pretty good at hiding it at times, but sometimes i’m so anxious you can hear it in my voice. i stopped going out of my house and completely ghosted my therapist and i switched to delivering everything to my house. it’s more peaceful that way so i don’t mind. i just hate going out. not to mention the fact that it’s summer. i hate the sun. that’s all

i hesitate on saving pins now because my last account i had for years was permanently deleted over a regular pin (hair inspo) i had saved. this was two years ago, now im worried of losing my new account so now i just screenshot pins. its sad what pinterest has become

i have no energy for anything and the bare minimum tasks feel like chores and major achievements. even getting out of bed feels almost impossible. having to push through this heavy burden completely alone makes it so much harder. i lose track of why i even feel this way, but it feels like it doesn't matter anyway. i can't imagine finding joy in life and i would give anything to not be here anymore

i can’t even look at myself in the mirror without hating everything i see. i wish i could completely avoid mirrors if i could. i start college this year and i know it’s gonna make my anxiety worse. my looks take over my mind and i know it’s all ill think about. i’m scared of seeing someone pretty and wanting to disappear even more. i wear baggy clothing because i can’t stand seeing my own body without them. i don’t care for makeup because i look terrible regardless. only difference is i look like a clown. i am fully convinced rhat i would enjoy my life if i had my ideal look. i cant stand myself. every time i look in the mirror its like a try not to cry challenge. it’s so bad that i almost came in peace with the fact that ill never be beautiful and considered suicide. but i’m too afraid to do it, im not brave enough. i’m so cowardly and stupid. i don’t feel beautiful in anything i wear and i hate showing too much skin. i hate styling my hair because again i don’t feel beautiful enough. anything i do is like a humiliation ritual and i look like a bum. on top of my ugly humiliating looks, i can’t seem to do anything right. i just hate my looks so much. no amount of therapy or meds or self acceptance can cover up the hate i have for myself. i still actively try to find ways to get my desired appearance but it’s out of reach. i so wish i could kill myself. i’m such a fucking pathetic loser and a waste of oxygen and space.

i’m quite picky when it comes to my food, but for some reason i love pre packaged food because it’s so simple and easy to prepare rather than having to cook an actual meal most days. for breakfast i like to pop my eggos in the toaster and air fry some hashbrown! i just love simple meal days

i wish i didn’t have a sick brain that rules out my life. i can go from feeling motivated and positive to depressed and wanting to die in an hour. i was just so hopeful that everything will work out and that if i take care of myself and stay positive or try my best to ill be alright. now im spiraling again and i just feel so terrible. god i hate this feeling so much. i would rather be manic than this gut wrenching feeling. i just can’t take it anymore.

i have a tragic past that has shaped me into a miserable person. i was bound to be this way which angers me more. i would rather be dead than having to live this stupid life that i didn’t even ask for. i hate my life and my appearance and everything else. i can’t enjoy my life because i don’t even want to be here. i tried everything in the book to try to enjoy my life but i cannot. it doesn’t feel genuine. many times i feared that id take myself out and thats how my story ends but thats pretty fucking depressing. i never even had a relationship in my life because im convinced it’ll make me more miserable. i’m still young but my mental health affected my face so much to the point that i have health issues now. now im just miserable with extra steps to take in life. i don’t want to be a nurse i don’t want to fund a life i don’t care about and i don’t care or get better. i have to pretend i everything is okay like im not dying inside and i pray everyday i get hit with a terminal illness because there’s just no escape to this feeling especially when i look like this.

it’s like every relationship (non romantic) i involve myself in, im never considered. and im tired of acting like im okay with being treated like crap and having my feelings invalidated. i hardly open up and prob did only to one person ever and they make me feel like shit.

i was having an argument with my friend about something that was totally stupid and i said something pretty dumb (which i regret) and he went on to tell me how he doesn’t feel that way about his gender (admiration) and texted me a lot of rude things and added how his family member had SA’d him. i read everything through my notifications and for some reason, i started crying. a part of me is crying because i felt so uncomfortable, but i also think i was mourning for him, and for the little girl inside me that was also SA’d, but i’ve never told him that out of fear. i was also SA’d at a young age, but i never brought it up to him. i feel terrible for shutting down on him like that and i still haven’t texted him back. i noticed that he unsent those messages as well, but i just feel so guilty and uncomfortable. i always shut down whenever he would bring up his SA, (this is separate) and i think it’s because i was as well but never had the guts to tell him.

update: he just texted me and i can’t bring myself to text him back, like he said he’s not mad anymore but i just can’t i feel terrible and the guilty is eating me alive

my mom randomly decided to invite people over at our house. she had this planned for a good while now and broke the news to me just last night. she said the lady wanted to see the whole family, but i’m not ready. i’m not terrible at socializing, but i’m super awkward and shy and i prefer not to if possible. in general i prefer not having anyone at my house, but it is what it is. i might just hibernate in my room like i always do. i feel so bad, but i’m not even changed or anything and i don’t want to because of that. i don’t mind them having a great time, but i don’t want to be apart of it. anyone else feel the same way?