u/taroicecreamsundae

it makes me so angry lol. i track my calories, do strength training, i walk after meals, its been 2 months of being nothing but hungry, weak, fatigued, i have cut out so many things i love eating lol, i am so tired and can barely get as many reps in anymore and yet ive only lost maybe 4 pounds.

but it feels like the weight is either steadily creeping up or staying the same. what's extremely angering is that because i'm fucking TEN POUNDS heavier this year, i'm now having trouble going up the stairs.

i have never struggled with that in my life , and i am very lucky for that, but i never thought one reason would be because i am too fat.

it is so so frustrating, i am working so damn hard and now i can't just take the subway or work a job requiring me to be on my feet like i used to. every time i need to go out and do something and there's stairs i almost start crying looking at them because it looks like a daunting, astronomical effort whereas before i only got slightly out of breath.

i seriously took being able to use the stairs for granted. it's so ironic too because you need to take the stairs to get more fit lmfao. how am i supposed to do that when my chest and my whole body is in pain and i feel like dying every damn time. it doesn't even get a little easier it seems.

edit: oh right and i have to add fucking KNEE PAIN because my body isn't used to the EXTRA 10-20LB OF FAT. what the FUCK.

yes i follow all the sleep hygiene. even after that, no matter how exhausted i am, like my body can be aching from exhaustion, i still just don't fall asleep.

even now, i was so tired this morning and i actually had the opportunity to sleep in but i cannot.

i know i wont be able to take a nap later. if i could, i wouldn't have insomnia.

i just wish i knew why this happens. it's like the mechanism in my brain required for this basic function to happen is just... broken. stops working. i've gone days just going 3-4 hours at a time sometimes while totally exhausts just because my brain refuses to cooperate with the rest of my body.

it's really frustrating. i try to add protein and vegetables but some days it's really hard for me to meal plan bc of depression and adhd.

i try to eat things i like in moderation so i don't binge later, i know cutting it out won't work for me. i'm trying to get more steps in (2-3k which isn't a lot but more than before)

but every week and a half or so i end up just having a ton of sweets back to back, it's a really frustrating problem.

they say it means you're having too few calories but my TDEE is only 1700. i eat anywhere between 1300 to 1500 in a day. that is only a 200-400 calorie deficit and most days it is 1500.

i don't know what to do, i am tired of craving sweets all the time, thinking about them constantly really takes up my energy and mental space. it's so stressful, i wish i never liked sweets. if i could id just have ice cream and cookies for breakfast lunch and dinner.

i wish i could simply find someone to hook up or cuddle with but i don't seem like a man esp as soon as i open my mouth

i don't expect anyone to see me nor treat me like a man, but esp in a dating context

and i'm living at home (im almost thirty unfortunately), i'm very afraid of starting T around my parents who would notice the changes probably. well, who knows. and i don't expect myself to be able to support my own living any time soon. sigh.

i'm not mentally nor emotionally prepared for transition, im very scared of losing my hair too, im frustrated bc i wish i could just snap my fingers and turn into a man and then turn back around the right people.

it's lonely as hell. i will not be able to live on my own any time soon and just live authentically. dating is like in another dream world for me. all i can do is live vicariously through mlm media and making mlm drawings and writing my mlm novel i guess.

i'm pakistani and was wondering if when i do change my name i should pick a cultural one or take the "chance" to pick a western one (and have an easier time not having to spell my name several times for everyone and maybe get more job interviews!)

also, how do yall pick a name without changing it? i have adhd so i feel like if i do pick a preferred name, im going to change it tomorrow lol.

is "zane" too clocky? does it remind ppl of that otome game "LaDS" or one direction lol?

edit; ok yall NEW question if i named myself after a character but it was japanese or another culture (ie "Sora" like from kingdom hearts) would that be bad?? would ppl even know? thanks!! :D

despite the fact that i can be masculine, that i'm a guy, that like being those things, i feel like im quite aware that people are gonna be wary of those things because, well, that's the world we live in.

i have other privileges. so i try to act in a way that is respectful of people without those privileges. i try to be aware of that privilege and my role in that systemic oppression.

and i also experience other forms of oppression. i am not white. i am from an immigrant family. so like... this leads me to empathize with other oppressed groups. that includes women. (that includes other oppressed groups that overlap with women for that matter that i don't see other immigrants doing btw which is just as crazy to me!)

so like.... i personally i don't fucking care if people don't like masculinity or men. bc how is this different when i became turned off by white ppl and the things associated with them (ie not showering, bland ass food etc) lol if you say this to trans men, they think you're a "radfem". but like yeah queer, fem, trans people are getting murdered rn and there's been over 500 anti trans bills introduced this past year alone (by terfs and, well, the MEN they serve!) so yeah ppl won't like the class associated with the violence they've experienced?? 😭

like why is this such a crazy concept, is it just a white ppl thing to think that dislike towards men and masculinity bc of its associated violence is an issue? or maybe it's not a problem for me bc im a masculine but not overly attached to the masculine gay guy. i genuinely don't understand lol.

i've never really eaten until i'm full, but i recently realized that i do feel unsatisfied when this happens, and this leads to me eating more later.

but when i eat until i'm satisfied, i'm also eating until i'm full.

when i eat until i'm actually full, i feel so satisfied and even calm and peaceful, like i've "finally" eaten enough and my whole head physically feels calm.

so then what does "full" really mean? like when you feel like you can't eat anymore? when your stomach hurts from eating too much (like on thanksgiving or something) ?? or am i actually supposed to only eat but until my stomach still feels a little "empty".

i've been trying the blue lizard one, cetaphil mineral sunscreen, banana boat (stained my clothes)

i'm really frustrated bc i can feel it all stick to my skin whatever the brand, and it seems i cannot even scrub it off fully in the shower sometimes??? after scrubbing like two or three times in a row!

sometimes i wonder if i should just wear upf clothing bc it is so uncomfortable. today i didn't have time to take a whole shower so im in bed now with greasy sunscreeny legs

i'm not even out as a trans man, but i have been trying to seem more "queer" now (so, short hair and not as many feminine clothes), and i noticed there's this weird phenomenon like they kind of complain about men and their husbands and then look at me like they're suffering (you know that weird puppy eye pitiful look that white women give when trying to make you feel bad for them for something you have nothing to do with) as though this obligation to be with men and accommodate them is something that they uniquely suffer and not willingly partake in.

recently i started using "they/them" pronouns as a way to move away from "she/her" and now another white female friend has started telling me how she "also has gender issues". after i pressed her i found out she's not trans at all, she's completely cis and as according to her she "cannot deny her biology" and that she's "just a woman".

and now she brings up that she's a woman all the fucking time to me... cleaning up at a party? "well i'm a WOMAN, i HAVE to CLEAN". girl, i haven't even started transitioning, most ppl here will assume i am a girl, everyone AFAB is subject to misogyny. i am also expected to pick up domestic labor. i will be subjected to misogyny unless one day i pass and even then choose to go stealth at that, and the fact that i need to go undercover so ppl don't know the genitals i was born with means that yes i am still subject to misogyny AND now also transphobia, double whammy! what?

i've only dealt with this twice but i'm already getting real tired of this whole "yes you might be trans but even though i'm a cis white woman, i still have my own problems 🥹" which I ALSO SHARE, I WAS ALSO BORN WITH A FUCKING VAGINA, and I ALSO HAVE THE PROBLEM OF BEING TRANS AND POC ON TOP OF A MILLION OTHER THINGS!! or the vibe of "well since you're queer, you at least have the option of being with a woman, poor me boohoo, i have to be with men" uhhh! no you don't and i will also literally be KILLED as a perceived "woman" with another woman???! did ppl fucking forget what pride is about?!

god the way these women act is like you existing is performing an oppression olympics?? i feel like i haven't even come out as trans nor have i even explicitly said which genders i was attracted to.

edited for brevity/clarity

one of my closer (online) friends recently cut me off and it's really painful. we were friends for months until he developed a crush on me and then we had a thing for a bit but i hurt his feelings somehow and then he decided to just stay friends without him even really trying to work things out.

we were talking and stuff but he was a good emotional support for me but i think i didn't give him enough space. it just felt weird though bc sometimes he was a normal friend and other days he was really distant.

eventually he told me explicitly he doesn't want to be my friend, that i expected too much of him (as did apparently several others?), a bunch of other complaints that i felt could just be talked through?? and then he said he's only doing this to "give me closure", that he appreciated our previous friendship "but that he was clueless" (???) and then he just blocked me.

so obviously he doesn't want to be friends anymore but i'm still just like... how??? it's really hard for me to conceive somebody not wanting to be friends. it's hard for me to find people i click with and i've only ever had to cut off friends if they turned out to be a racist or something serious, because i'd rather have friends than not have any, even if they're not perfect.

idk there's just a part of me that knows i could have won him back before he cut me off completely, perhaps by having given him more space, or been fun in a way that gave value for him to circle back to me, but obviously i was too clingy and needy bc of my anxious attachment style....

maybe if i give it a few months he will want to be my friend again? is it really that possible for people to just cut you off? i feel like you have to be very wealthy with friendships to be able to just cut someone off no matter how they're being.

i know i can't expect people to know my gender from looking at me and i haven't started T or done top surgery. i'm basically soft launching my transness with short hair and more masc clothes.

but it's a little weird ppl are kinda assuming i'm NB. not talking abt using they/them bc im visibly not cisgender, but they don't know what pronouns, but just asking me if im out as nonbinary yet and stuff.

edit: and obviously, there is nothing wrong with being nonbinary. it's just that i'm... binary.

i know they mean well and i *am* that walking pinterest nonbinary aesthetic right now i suppose, and i haven't gone with he/him pronouns yet

but like isn't the point of being aware of gender stuff now that you dont know from looking at the person? you don't know if they're binary or non binary.

i almost feel like bc my personality is softer than most, ppl cant even imagine that i'd be binary trans. however the real reason im not more outspoken is bc i feel so limited by my body and expression and perceived gender.

at the same time i wanna go with he/him and change my name but i rarely pass unless from behind. idk i feel complicated.

edit; had to edit out the dresses part bc that's all yall can focus on and that's not what im looking for here lol. pls address literally anything else i wrote here, there's a lot more than a piece of fabric

most recently i had a friend cut me off telling me they're "not a nice person" and that they don't have it in them to be nice to me, but i find that really strange because you don't accept a friend as they are out of nicety. no i am not "running into bad people", bc these people seem to be able to at least humanize others, and see the value in them despite differences or them not being their cup of tea.

so obviously i don't offer a lot of value to begin with if the average person has to force themselves to see me as a human, or can only accept my presence when i'm pleasant to be around. when someone else is upset it's valid and human, when i'm upset it's like trying to be nice about a dog misbehaving.

i'm just not sure what i can offer people so that i'm less like a pet to keep around and more like a human being. i try to be kind, i listen, i can usually keep a conversation going, i have nice fashion sense, i have a decent range of hobbies, i'm politically active, i'm relatively smart. that's it.

at some point in my life i was so good at listening to ppl's problems and figuring them out (emotionally) that all anyone wanted to do was talk to me about their problems but that was it. and it drove me insane.

edit: i also have to say, i do wish these ppl's complaints were that i were toxic or mean, crazy, etc, but no. it's usually that they just don't even care anymore and that i'm too difficult to understand (and also not worth the effort to talk to)

i was going to dye my hair pink and have fun and make the rest go out with a bang and then this break up happens.

i wish that stupid guy never caught feelings for me, i wish i never engaged

i feel really stupid. my mental health was going in a good direction. i was feeling good about things for the first time in a long time. i don't know why i did this, i seriously set myself backwards.

i only "dated" this guy online for like 3 weeks max (but we were friends months before that)

and then he breaks up with me over ONE thing and then has already moved on like two weeks later with a fucking girl (he's bi but this hurts extra bad for some reason... it would hurt less if it were another man)

i thought i wasn't that attached though so why does this hurt so much? it feels like our friendship isn't the same now either. i think that hurts the worst. i genuinely wish i never entertained his feelings for me.

things would be just fine then.

i never understood breakups but now im really really upset... i didn't take it personally at first but over time as it sinks in im starting to. i dont like this. i'm confused

this was unnecessary. friends are necessary, if a friend breaks up with me, it hurts really bad but you need a social network so it was worth having it.

this is not worth it. i don't need a romantic connection. i don't need to feel something only for it to be severed like this... im very mad.

i gained a lot of weight suddenly. i was hoping it was muscle or water weight, but it's been consistently higher. one day i turned around in the mirror.

the fat was BEHIND ME!!!!

my hips, my BACK, my neck?! my bUTT???? even in my arms, i thought they were skinny as usual but no, there's a huge amount hanging... like UNDER my upper arm (idk what to call that area). jesus christ.

idk what changed as the last time i gained weight, i could SEE it, in my belly and in my face, even my jawline is softer but not particularly round like the last time.

yeah so don't be silly like me and literally look at things surface level lol. i HATE how this looks so if i caught it earlier i might've had more motivation earlier in the weight gain!!

i'm really pissed off, as one of my friends whom i had such awesome conversations with for literal MONTHS just became someone who talks at me one way and doesn't listen to anything i say anymore.

such a huge amount of my friendships which are two way at first become a one way street like this so fucking fast and i find it incredibly hurtful if not infuriating

just bc of autism (which i NEVER asked for) i don't offer any social value to people other than being a "listening ear". so at some point many ppl lose interest in me as a person altogether and start using me just to talk one way

i'm just so angry bc i was having so much fun with this person!!! everything was fine! we were talking mutually to each other! i felt listened to, i listened to him!

but nooo. at some point i lost all value except to be a living wall to talk at.

why the fuck does this happen?? i get so angry bc i feel like a good friendship experience (WHICH IS SO FUCKING RARE FOR ME BTW!!) was ROBBED from me. no idgaf what "kind of person" that is, it is always people with a lot of friends who get on with others just fine. there is no way they're just rambling completely obtusely one way at everyone or they would not have other friends. they're just doing it to me bc im autistic so who gives a fuck about her (and "her" is generous here, i should rlly say "it")

it literally gives me withdrawal too bc i was getting so many happy chemicals from what is finally a two way interaction and then suddenly realize what i really am i guess and just stop fucking. caring.

edit: and can i add how fucking BORING bein autistic is? ???? this person for example is being so fun to be around for everyone but me! the autistic loser who should be happy anyone is talking to her at all!

edit 2: learned my cousin is staying over at my other cousins whom i also used to be friends with just fine and i literally want to pull my hair out. im so angry that i cant just have a normal family relationship, im so tired of people leaving me. if i didn't have autism id have a lot more core relationships today but i lost every single one of them.

anyone can cut you off at any time. it's usually the second you display some negative or unlikable behavior. that's intrinsic to being a human being. unfortunately, we're not given the grace of human beings.

we are as good as furniture or a dog.

so the second you push back (i.e., like "yeah so that tiktok you sent me of the person outright saying autism is an excuse is really ableist!") they react like you're thinking a lot of yourself and are very taken aback. theres no way i would have positive response to this after i made my views on disability before clear (which is that they're disabling).

?????

now at 28, since ive learned what autism is and how allistics think of us, i've had to learn to be like "well, no, silly, i don't like that because i have views and feelings!" to them.

and then i feel like i will get mad ONE time. i will do ONE thing that isnt very nice-- and let me tell you, the vast majority of people are NOT nice 100% of the time. then they act so offended like i never had the right to be mad or upset about anything; and then they never treat me the same ever again.

i feel like i have pressure to be perfect in every single relationship. i just lost my relationship bc i wasn't nice to him one single time. it's not fair. i feel like i have to filter every single thing i say and do bc one wrong move and it's "well i only became friends with you bc you seemed like you needed a friend".

ah, right. so i never offered any value at all.

i made fun of him and got really mad and was really just plain mean. i know he did something to make me feel bad too but i can't help but think there's just no real excuse for my behaviors.

i just assume i can't be being that mean bc (as i read in the dbt workbooks) i feel so hurt in the moment that my response seems reasonable or even mild if im truly biting my tongue. i think im defending myself against this now evil person. even if in the back of my head i try to tell myself to think better, i think no, this person is evil and if i dont say this thing now, then ill regret not defending myself later. the least i can do is get a "little" mad after they did something so huge and horrible.

the way i act with my friendships or ig this romantic type relationship is like im ready to throw it all away. the way i get upset is often so bad the relationship becomes irreparable, even if we're both trying rlly hard to be friendly and Normal again, it won't happen bc i ended up betraying their trust and all they do for me within a single moment of splitting.

i'm so sad bc im realizing way too late that this person was... just fine. they did everything to earn my trust.

i'm feeling so angry and sad and guilty and stupid now. i had a nice thing going with a good guy who was cute and accepted me for who i am (im a trans guy). now that relationship i had is gone and im so sad. i threw it away just bc of my own big emotions.

i keep making this same mistake again and again with a lot of my relationships with others. it's so fucking hard i have to distance myself from ppl whom i value in my life so i don't throw it all away in one moment.

it's really fucking hard when you don't offer any real social value. i know i am disposable and i know i am not very interesting. all i'm really good at is talking about my own interests, people only stay friends with me out of pity.

i cannot fault them because if i do, then i am faulting the world. these people have gone from being my best friend to being the most disrespectful anybody can be, and i don't even get the respect of being treated meanly or with hostility, i just get shoved aside at some point and it's unclear why to me, like i'm a toy who got boring to play with. can you blame anyone for that?

i know this wouldnt happen in this way, if it werent for autism. i know that because as for the other more severely autistic kids i had to be friends with bc i didnt have anyone else, i was friends with them because i felt bad for them. i didn't enjoy my time with them. i felt like i was stuck in a prison when i had to hear them monologue about one thing. i felt like they didn't know what was going on at all and weren't interested in it. it made them boring to engage with other than some niceties. so, i am sure i make others feel the same way.

i think about people who left me and the vast majority of the time, they are not bad people. theyre always people who are really talented, who are cool, who i really admire, but i always see neurotypicals say stuff like "but then they aren't worth your time!!" okay, can i blame them? because that's like the vast majority of people.

interestingly, the only people who don't leave me seem to be the ones who are not good people. they're people who want to have someone to use. they see my value as a tool. and that's it.

today is really nice weather and i want to go to the beach. i don't want to go alone, but i don't have a choice. i do think i deserve much, much better than going alone. i am so tired of people forcing me to be okay with being alone. i don't like it, i have feelings, too, i am also a social animal. i'm fine with my own company, i'm fine with being alone but i'm fucking tired of it, just like how you can get tired of being surrounded by others 24/7.

idk if it's how i look or "how i say things" or the autism but it doesn't seem to matter whether i am in tears or physically in pain or completely emotionless or whatever, i never seem to get the baseline empathy others do for like, any struggle, ever.

it's so so strange honestly. i have experienced this since about eight years old at least. it's like it doesn't fucking matter if i'm going through some huge change in life or dealing with a lot at school or whatever which is what others get empathy for, i in particular always seem to have to suck it up.

i think it's really weird when i see my friends and family empathize with each other all the time but i feel like i can't get even an ounce of it bc it's always something like "huh i don't experience that at all, actually that area of my life is pretty fantastic" (????) or "yeah but that's why you have to work hard/get over it"

and like i'm not even talking about autistic issues like the sensory stuff or being completely and utterly isolated and forever and ever alienated and alone, barred from understanding the human experience by my own brain bc some genes decided not to make room for the human connection synapses in favor of synapses for sonic the hedgehog and now i am forever crippled in that regard

i mean like things like adjusting to a new move (very very common and easy to understand kid problem), a death in the family (something EVERYONE experiences), freezing in the winter bc i am too poor (and i wasn't even talking to rich ppl abt this i was talking to poor ppl)

these arent even situations where i cant show emotions bc of autism, i will *show* them and itll make people even *less* empathetic, like ill get pointedly ignored or made fun of and not even to my face, and then ppl tell me they've never seen me cry. yeah bc it was fucking humiliating every time, it seemed to just give everyone in the world more ammo or hammer it in my head that i'm so disgusting and subhuman even as a 10 year old crying i am incapable of illiciting empathy.

i have no idea what the problem is. do they just want us to not exist anymore?