u/Character_Handle6876

So idk what good or bad traits i have, but why don't you list some bad ones and some to try and foster in your life!

Fyi i do come from a family of a gambler, emotionally abusive siblings towards me, and a siblings with anger issues so any thing to avoid doing that shit would be nice too!

I do have autism/adhd so i might ask a lot of questions lol.

I'm a transdude, and a depressed young witch so no "read the bible" please.I

Btw I'm 17 if that helps...?

I'm 17, 5.3 and i can never get over 93lb, i did have an eating disorder a while back but its basically gone now lol

But I've never been able to gain anyweight! So yeah please help! Im underweight.

Some people mention things like bmp but idk what that is lol

So I'm pretty sure i have OCD, depression and shitty anxiety , and maybe bpd (runs in the family) I'm also neurodivergent but that isn't super important to this

Now i kinda hate the idea of therapy cause i don't want to seem weak but my mental is just getting way to bad to the point i don't think i can do collage or getting a job without making bad discussions...😬

Anywho! The main problems are that i am scared to death all day because of ocd worries and terrifed to go to bed because lowkey I'm scared I'll get murdered (not related to anything just ocd fear and paranoia lmfao) but Ives always kinda had dreams about that stuff but lately its gotten worse where anytime i went to sleep i would wake up at four on the dot from a nightmare where I'm being killed or someone is usually family or just stalkers and I'll have sleep paralysis, I'll wake up like clawing at something or when i wake up I'll hear and see stuff from the dream (like one night all i could hear was scratching in the ceiling from my dream like something was being dragged, might have been mice or just my head) and I'll have a panic attack just lying there being terrified but anytime i watch something with any murder in it it gets a million times worse, and now i have insomnia and i have started taking benadryl everynight so i sleep through it all but thats not working anymore and there coming back, I've tried sleeping with my dog, audiobooks, teas, etc etc nothing stops it and I'm paranoid lol

But I'm also super depressed and suicidal not helped by the fact that i can't sleep, i have classes all this summer i need to get out of my house because some my family is kinda shit to me and i can't transition to a dude, I'm having panic attacks each day,

Im going to tell my mom, she always says she's fine making me a therapy appointment but the last time i told her stuff about my ED she got mad, got super depressed and was monitoring my food too much to where she made it worse and tried to put me in the shitty pyhic ward we have in our area and so i told her i was wrong and i didnt have one but i can't keep doing this with out taking my life, it should horrid i know but i just cannot, ive SH before but i stopped i year back. But if i was naked it would be very noticeable by how deep i went.

I'm also scared about sleep because in the past my sister kept moving me in my sleep (not sexual) so it def made this worse.

WHAT DO I DO? HOW DO I TELL MY MOM I WANT AN APPOINTMENT WITH OUT SAYING ALL THIS BUT JUST THE BARE MINIMUM. :) :) :) i know nobody gives shit which is even more depressing and some my family thinks I'm a lier and stupid so idk what to do, idk idk idk, they think I'm weak and idk. I can't go to sleep tonight.