Ive had this for almost 2 years it randomly came in one christmas snd it was the worse pain ever and after alot of hot water it popped leaking black and red goo its only did that one other time but its just up and down with it sometimes it feels smooth other times its bubbled up and leakint either blood or puss
Image is sorta blurry but
Ive had this for two years its gotten very bad only twic once it popped and leaked nasty black and red goo
Second i went to an Emergency care and it was drained
Those were a year ago and two but its still there it constantly leaks and i use clorox wipes to clean
Sometimes it "goes down" in volume and feels smooths but other it feels bubbled up and leaks
Before u read please understand i dont wanna be like this and im terrified of whats happening
It all starts that i live on a rural road and enjoy smoking and hsnging out on my porch
One day i see girls on scooters ride by and dont think anything
As days go by i see them more and more but i think nothing of it
One day i hear one of the group say "Your blushing so bad" as i roll my trashcan down the road and they scream "SHE WANTS HIS NUMBER" as i walk back
After sometime the next day i see one run beyond them like shes in a hurry and as the ones on scooters arrive they scream "she has a giant crush on you" And it hit me that one of them thinks im cute and i was laughing a bit cause its just silly
But heres the problem im 21 and they look young (i dont know their age but i just assume their below 18 cause ive never seen anyone my age still ride them)
Ive never even said anything back but ive just laughed at it
This is where i get scared because i find myself on my porch in the evening and still listening as they go by because i really wanna hear what they say and it scares me ive been having constant paranoid thoughts that im a pedophile and im sick in the head
Note i feel actually asexual i dont have a strong libido or anything and i simply "do deeds" by myself just to relase the stress and nothing more
But just the thought of these things is driving me nuts to the point ive shaken
I dont understand why i cant just move on I WOULD NEVER HARM A CHILD OR ANYONE THAT WAY
But why do i find myself checking for them i dont have a social life and a part of me thinks if im not sick maybe im just lonely and wish i could have friends like this
Also i csme in today and my father asked if i was talking to them and i was immediatly distressed by the thought of it and what he meant
I really hope im just boref and stir crazy and not a. Monster i pray to God
Im not sure how to start or even where to go with this but this post may be jumbled and i hope you can bare with me
Im 21 years old and ive had a weird time this last couple of years. I left school in 10th grade to do it online and ive spent like 4 years isolated give or take because im really stupid and thought nothing bad would happen i didnt finish school i used it as an excuse to be a lazy idiot and goof off but i
Since this time i think ive done permananent damage to myself i smoked weed and it made me permanetly depersonalized like 2 years ago during that time my mother passed away and i just got lost i scrolled all day played games and just distracted myself over and over to the point i couldnt see the walls crumbling around me and my life falling apart
To give more context i grew up pretty sheltered and coddled but also a bit dysfunctional my mom was an bipolar alchohlic and my dad was a stern man who always had to deal with her issues my brother left at 10 and i was basically alone i had a few friends here and there and still do but i dont think ive had enough social grounding to be a proper person so most of it was spent with unsuprivised internet access and no purpose
Anyways recently i saw that whole singer D4vd i dont know the whole case but i saw alot of info was and how he was homeschooled and isolated and i fear i may be sick like him although I WOULD NEVER HURT ANYONE
In middle school i was the weird edgy kid who was on SSRIs and would do stupid things because i was so angry all the time i felt slighted due to my home life and feeling ostracized the worst i did was show a shock gore video to someone i felt was didnt like me
This was all a long time ago (7 yesrs or so) and IM DISGUSTED WITH WHAT I DID and who i was i had no idea i could be so vile and ive came to realise that i may be a sick monster like d4vd and maybe the social isolation did this to me
But i say all this because i wanna change i wanna make friends and become a healthy person i dont wanna be some horrible person with mental issues
Is it possible to change?? How can i take steps i recently got my drivers liscense and am gonna see about going bsck to recieve my diploma at a learning center
What are other things i could do??
(Im so sorry if my post is all over the place im very frantic and nervous)