u/Sodacat27

Due to both trauma related things and my autism I don't know if I will ever really feel like an adult despite practically being 18, I know that's not very old but I don't even feel like most 18-year-olds i feel like an actual child compared to them.

Firstly I will not be able to drive because I am terrified at the idea of being behind a wheel, I get distracted and dissociate out of stress, I get a lot of intrusive thoughts around it, and overall I just don't think it's really safe for me to drive even with someone there.

Second this might change in the future however as of right now I also struggle with public transportation by myself, this is because I struggle with severe anxiety, memory and dissociative issues, along with emotional regulation issues, once again it feels like a safety issue for me I don't know if I would feel comfortable being that vulnerable in public without anybody there.

Third my mom literally asked my doctor about disability because again as of right now working would be incredibly difficult, I'm genuinely not trying to make excuses or anything I wish I could work a traditional job like people around my age and sure it would be difficult but it wouldn't be as much of a concern as it is now.

On top of housing me and my dad have been having some...issues and have for years now because of my declining mental so that is a concern but my mom did say that I would most likely be able to live with her, I guess on the bright side my younger sister won't be left alone in the house as she grows up...

Then as far as College goes that's most likely out of the question maybe unless I can get accommodations, but even then I think my school history is completely screwed up considering how many issues I had in person and the fact that I'm now online and still struggling to get assignments done.

Meanwhile people like my cousins and stepbrother are the EXACT same age as me (maybe slightly older) have jobs, tattoos, my brother lives plans to move in with mom but plans to get his own place, and I just simply cant relate to them even when I try joking or talking to them we have literally nothing in common wich made me cry last christmas.

For context ive been struggling with severe depression, dissociation, autistic burn out, and ALOT of anger wich was cause by MANY factors moslty related to the fact I dont have the help I need such as a therapist nor psychiatrist.

I started thinking and looked online for ways to make myself cry along with learning how to turn anger into sadness, an actor showing how she cries on demand, ect.

I decided to look up a song I heard alot when I was younger during a not so great time in my life, held my hand to my chest and started slowly breathing as I thought about both the time the song reminded me of, but also the current reason why I was upset and mentally tried naming what I felt and why, along with a bit of fake crying until the tears actually came out.

I started thinking about the fact I was angry because I felt everything was kinda burning down around me because of things I wont fully get into here and the lack of support, I prefer being sad over being angry because I feel alot more like myself when im sad over angry...if that makes any sense.

The issue is that anger is alot weaker of an emotion than sadness, ive been proven that time and time again for YEARS, but id prefer if I could learn being direct over angry.

Obviously not a very controversial take but I have to rant because it's genuinely pissing me off more than usual, it is frustrating, it's making things a million times worse, and I have not been able to get any form of help for it.

So I'm going to talk about my recent Mental Health and even the slightest bit of help that I've gotten thus far.

Firstly I got hospitalized 2 to 3 weeks ago for a Mental Health crisis and needed to be there for a day because I needed medication to help reverse a liver issue I had, which in itself was pretty freaking traumatic.

Then things did not get better for me, after the hospital visit I was severely depressed like not even in a way that's normal for me considering I have clinical depression but no I was completely empty, to the point my dad caught me almost burning my food and after that mistake I wasn't hungry whatsoever and even when my dad tried telling me that it could be fixed I still said I just didn't want to touch it at all.

Then I tried asking my dad for help in regards to my therapy and like practically begging for help and I forgot why but I started having a breakdown and started screaming crying and kicking my own door in basically just repeating that nothing mattered anyways no matter what I did I was never going to get help, so I didn't really care how I acted because it meant absolutely nothing.. and that was very much true when I simply just went back to my room before i ate some cereal and water.

Not too long after that I ended up having yet another breakdown this was because I had issues with one of my friends and felt like I was literally watching every single thing around me completely burned down so I kept throwing my stuff and screaming and had a bit of an attitude, this is slightly unusual because I haven't had meltdowns in a bit and they usually happen later in the day.

Anyways as far as any form of help these are some of the things I got.

My dad's first suggestion was asking if he sent me back to the same therapy place that I literally just got released from, would I ride public transport like taking the bus in order to get there because he can't take me because he has work and things like that, I keep having to say no for safety reasons because I don't really trust myself to be alone.

My dad's other suggestion was going back to taking my Prozac because I haven't been taking it very much recently and it's mostly for my depression, in my opinion the depression is partially being caused because of my lack of support I'm genuinely burnt the hell out trying to scream for help, on top of that I'm way more concerned about everything else going on then the fact that I feel a little empty sometimes.

As for my doctor I had a recent appointment just to do a checkup after the hospitalization, my doctor strongly suggested being outside at least once a week, said that she was sorry that I had spent so long trying to get help and it didn't seem like I was getting it but promised that I would, and I think that was really about it.

Then for example my dad says that I'm not taking anybody's advice and he says that I just do it one time and the side is not working and give up, when that's not the fucking case, they gave me Prozac when I was 14 and I stopped taking it and it was MY choice to try going back on it.

I go outside quite often and I have video evidence that I can show the doctor and everybody else I AM going outside, no I'm not doing it every week because I don't feel like being in public EVERY week especially not with the breakdowns I've been having, and on top of that the one part of me that was usually going on these runs is not currently present so that just screws me up more.

Like seriously I am genuinely so Goddamn tired that it is insane, I've been forcing myself to think about literally anything else, I watch or do whatever thing keep me from thinking about anything at all, I genuinely wish I was not self aware again like when I was 14 to 15 dealing with the things that I was dealing with it was so normalized yet even when there were cracks in that it was just so normal.

Im struggling with something trauma at the moment and its making me very angry and generally upset, but im at my aunts house so I can't do anything about it other than sit in the bathroom and stim by hitting the back of my head with my palm, constantly moving my head, hitting my shoulder ect.

Im expected to function normally on a daily basis while being very clearly mentally ill, but lord forbids I have a meltdown and almost break my bedroom door and scream, because im not getting the appropriate care.

My dad's main thing is going back to the same therapy place that I was just removed from and since he won't be able to take me to my appointments I could just ride public transit by myself... I absolutely do not trust myself alone in public and trying to navigate public transit, I can't even keep from ripping my hair out from stress (I have a very obviously patchy spot near my main pulling point).

So basically for the time being I'm left completely without any actual help and I have to solve my very complex issues completely on my own and will continuously be told to just wait and absolute hell and I also have to prevent myself from thinking about this too much because whenever I start thinking about it I get really angry and when I get angry about it I start wanting to have a meltdown.

I'm struggling with a lot of trauma stuff that I have nobody to talk to about so I genuinely just have to hold deep in my chest and wait for the adrenaline to go down, I hate my life, I have this trauma, I hate that my body is attacking itself from the inside out, I hate that i cant go ONE day without issues it NEVER leaves no matter how much I leave IT, it just follows me everywhere and nobody understands.

I cant even talk to my mom about some of this stuff because last time I just tried explaining basic dissociation and she started asking me questions related to sociopathy, when I asked her to just sit with me in the bathroom while I was crying in the tub about what happened to me it just turned into her story and what she wanted to do to my abuser then when I asked why I had to suffer while everybody else seemed to be normal she told me it was because I was choosing to.

The best way for me to describe it is that im stuck in my own personal hell full of invisible walls, as life is moving on normally for everyone else mine is either moving tormentingly slow or confusingly fast to the point everything can change in the matter of a week, and I just feel like someone's fucked up science experiment for how much stress the human body can possibly go through without using physical torture.

Im genuinely pissed, its null and im currently stuck in front with fredrick one of our persecutors who i genunly hate and wish I could permanently evic (fredrick: Guess that makes two of us).

This genuinely irritates me, but luckily im sure we can mask things in public for the time being, I just really want him away but were stick :/

For a bit of context I'm going through a lot right now like more stress than what I think was ever healthy for the human body, if younger me thought that stress was going to be their downfall, then I've exceeded that limit weeks ago.

I had a lot of social issues regarding my attempt at a friend group that lasted for one to two weeks, within those weeks I went to a hospital for mental health problems overnight, I dealt with hallucinations while in the hospital and then even outside the hospital my brain felt really off like it made me uncomfortable if something was even slightly off, and now I've practically lost the only person who knew about the others and new things about dissociative disorders and was even with me during the hospital visit because we had a...disagreement.

Then on top of that prior to this my fifth therapist ended up terminating me from services because she felt she couldn't help me as much as someone else and insurance reasons since Services were supposed to end in June, only issue is my only backup plan is services that were never set up nor official or anything which means I am left with genuinely nothing.

I tried talking with my doctor and they just keep telling me to hold on and stuff like that meanwhile everyday genuinely feels like a Minefield and I have to force myself to not remember that.

It was so bad that I had a breakdown a day or two ago because me and my dad were discussing therapy stuff I don't fully remember what happened but I do remember me kicking my door, screaming as loud as I can, repeatedly saying it didnt matter what I did anymore, spewing every intrusive thought I had, and even when my dad left the room I just laid on the floor and soon went to my room to eat cereal with my bare hands and drink a jug of water.

Then I think yesterday remember that disagreement I said I had with my friend yeah well that caused another meltdown where I started throwing my stuff at my bedroom closet, screaming, pouring water on my floor, not caring that there were plates and stuff in my room, and being a bit of a prick because of a bad attitude mind you this was im pretty sure either morning or just became afternoon, this type of stuff usally happens at night.

For the past few weeks I've been cycling between severely depressive to the point I didnt care about anything and my tone was significantly flattened and slower way more than normal, then I've been so antsy and angry that I had those multiple breakdowns back to back and truly just wanted to do anything at all for any reason, and then there were rare moments where I actually started crying like in that situation with my friend I went through all of those.

So in conclusion I kind of have to force myself to not think about how I feel nor how I've been just so that I don't keep having breakdowns and stuff along those lines and stop asking questions regarding my help because I'm not going to like the answer, you might think that's a good thing and you know maybe it is but it makes me feel significantly less human like seriously I don't feel like a human being in the slightest.

I feel like a doll, zombie, animal, and all of the above, but nowhere close to human, hince why im sleeping on the floor like an animal...its a bit of a punishment but dont worry i convinced one of the others to use our pillow and blanket so its not horrible, besides im used to sleeping on floors willingly.

I'm not going to lie I have not been taking this very well because I have recently had a friend leave me for reasons that I don't completely want to get into, it was partially my fault and I guess I can understand why they did.

The upsetting part is the fact that they are the only one who knows and understands the others, they would ask about our name and pronouns and what interact with us pretty normally and we could talk a bit about system stuff without having to spend majority of the conversation explaining stuff.

But now we don't have anybody to talk about that stuff with because we have our best friend from middle school but she doesn't know and I really don't feel like explaining, my mom has absolutely no idea and I'm definitely not telling her.ever., my aunt is in the same boat as my mom, and both me and my therapist have told my dad so he kind of knows but I still don't feel comfortable talking about that stuff with them and he doesn't know very much at all.

So basically I have nobody that I can fully vent to because a lot of my issues revolve around dissociation and the others so I end up having to isolate whatever I'm dealing with on its own without mentioning that one thing which makes things a lot worse, for example the reason my weeks have been so shity is because of dissociation mild hallucinations and stuff like that but if I try to explain that stuff my mom is just going to start asking me questions related to schizophrenia.

I know this because last time I tried explaining dissociative and depressive symptoms she started asking me questions related to sociopathy asking if I knew the difference between right and wrong, if i had EVER felt joy, ect ect wich was incredibly uncomfortable and annoying.

I have been having some of the worst weeks of my life and this is coming from somebody who's been struggling for years but didn't get help until they were 12 and even then it just got progressively worse and worse but this has just been the worst few weeks.

I was hospitalized because with Mental Health crisis that resulted because of my own personal issues and the fact that I was having issues with one of my friends that lasted for like 2 weeks.

Oh why don't I talk to my best friend from middle school we've been through a lot together oh she's actually extremely depressed and really not doing well right now to the point that she doesn't even have the energy to really message me back and especially not be able to handle the things I'm dealing with...alright.

Then I someone end up making two more friends only for both of them to have a lot of issues with each other that I didn't know before I came into the dynamic so then I had to spend two weeks back and forth looking at evidence of things that each of them did and being stressed the hell out for like 2 weeks until my hospitalization.

Then I was pushed towards one of them because of some Behavior I didn't quite like and they were the one who I was speaking to while I was in the hospital fucking terrified and they're the only ones who knows about one of my "issues", only for me to then make up with the other person but now the other one doesn't want to talk to me and I'm trying to apologize but I don't know what the fuck to do.

So basically what I'm saying is I have no therapist and I almost have absolutely no friends or support group and it genuinely made me have a slight meltdown not even going to lie I'm actually still in the middle of it but just calm me down so I can type this.

I want to scream I want to break everything in my room I want to cry, I just need to destroy something I can't...

So I got into an argument with this girl online over anime it was really stupid basically it was her saying that anime was really weird, I told her she may have not found an anime that she actually liked and named a few wholesome animes like Pokemon, she told me no she knew anime but she still found it weird and that's okay, and I asked her when did anybody say she couldn't find anime weird?

I then get a random message from her saying to stop faking disorders and to get a struggle which I was really confused about a question who she even was and everything like that.

She told me that she thought I was faking because I used simply plural which was an app used by fakers, Midway through this argument I thought about it and went through my account and I have never posted my simply plural for multiple reasons firstly I don't use it anymore because it's shutting down and second I wouldn't share that much info on my system.

She then sent a screenshot of my account where she showed a post from Emily and a post of Pica showing off the fact that we made picrews, she tried to imply that we were using these as simply plural profile pictures which was based on absolutely nothing because if you look at the post you will see that there is absolutely nothing about simply plural nor profile pictures.

She then tells us that people with DID couldn't make profile pictures and they couldn't just choose their alters which I told her that I absolutely did not choose to have them and I have never ever claimed to have DID nor OSDD, I use system language because it is something that people understand and is the closest to my experience thats it.

But she also started demanding that I tell her how my disability affects me, medical help, accommodations ive gotten, ect just to prove that I'm not faking and I told her multiple times I was not going to show her my diagnosis paper I was not going to give her all of that information because I don't know her and I frankly really didn't want to talk to her.

However at some point I folded and I eventually did give her my diagnosis paper however on the paper I accidentally showed her my dead name because I didn't realize that I was on the top she did promise that she wasn't going to say this but there was a clear reason why I didn't want to do that.

She then told me that she would tell me HER disabilities just to make it fair so I basically just said fine and she told me she had stuff like fetal alcohol syndrome and things like that which I told her... all right but you got early intervention she kind of mentioned that she got early intervention and is still getting professional help for her disabilities.

We also went back and forth on her asking a lot of questions regarding the kind of help and accommodations and treatment I'm receiving and stuff like that and her just repeatedly telling me that I was using excuses and stuff like that whenever I told her that I was not able to get the help that I needed, if you look through my post once and just look up therapy or something you can see all of the posts where I am talking about my lack of support it's not that hard.

Also if she wanted all of that information on my issues and how they affect me this is very clearly event account just go through the posts that you're looking at and you will very much see how all of my disabilities and my mental illnesses majority of them professionally diagnosed by the way affect me.

This is just such an odd interaction and also when I told her that people have not just randomly messaged me to have these kinds of debates and she says that it might be because she's the only one who can see through my BS... which is just weird how she just constantly kept trying to undiagnose me or whatever.

she told me strangers on the internet couldn't diagnose me this by me saying that I never wanted one and was just venting but she is just sitting here are the stranger trying to undiagnose me 😭.

I'm trying really hard I genuinely am, I've done everything that I'm supposed to do but nothing is working and I don't know why, I'm trying to manage my own mental health without any help whatsoever because I just keep being told to wait and wait even when I can feel myself being worse.

I genuinely tried everything I can do day by day, I cleaned my room last night, I exercised a bit, I've been trying to delve more into my hobbies and positive stuff, I've tried not thinking about it, and the depression holders haven't even been close to front, but none of it's working no matter what I do.

I even managed to last night get on better terms with a friend who I got into an argument with for like 2 weeks and I reached out to one of my friends who of course could barely talk to me because she's doing horribly but either way I've tried and it's not working at all.

I guess I'll just be honest and say that I'm incredibly upset and crying and I'm pissed like I am beyond angry, for the past few weeks I've been cycling between apathetic depressive and angry to the point I can't be still, I can't even cry for very long like I really want to and I'm trying to make my voice sound it but I could only get out a few tears that is how long it's been since I've fully.

It feels like nobody is listening to me I'm reaching out both in person and online and it feels like nobody who could even do a hint of something is listening to me, it feels so damn surreal that I'm literally having breakdowns and extreme depressive episodes over not getting help and yet everybody is treating it like it's not a big deal... I feel like I'm going absolutely insane... like this is serious right?

I'm upset about some trauma related stuff that has seeped its way through because I was originally in trauma therapy, five different times but my most recent therapist dropped me again from Services about 2 to 3 weeks ago, so I've just been having to manage everything by myself and then we'll claim that they hold me in the past meanwhile they did not I know from old things that I've posted and venting videos on my laptop and stuff like that no the FUCK they didn't.

They did not and I'm really sick and tired of people pretending like they did because they saw a 13 to 14-year-old showing them their scars, not showing up to school for weeks or months and when they did show up they were either seeing, crying not going to class or with their head down, telling them that they felt like the entire world was fake, straight up having meltdowns, and all of that and all they could do was send truancy after me or imply that I was fucking faking that's not help!

Waiting weeks I was still in truancy to finally get me into virtual schooling is not HELP, continuously telling me to go to school counselors who are telling me that I would go to hell is not HELP, refusing to pick me up from school when there was a threat and everybody was getting picked up is not HELP, they did not help me they waited until I was pretty much already fucking damaged to do anything which by that point it didn't even matter and now I have absolutely nothing.

I cannot be happy I cannot be decent all I'm going to continue to be it's just an angry pile of nothing, I keep getting advice from people telling me that like I'm going to have to take responsibility for my own mental health and stuff how the hell am I supposed to do that completely on my own, yes im 18 but im also a disabled/neurodivergent 18yr old who cant even ride public transport alone without the fear of having a break/meltdown by myself or getting lost.

[Cw: sui and sh mention]

I've been posting about my mental issues very frequently lately because unfortunately my usual mental illness sub is completely down and on top of that I have been struggling severely but genuinely nobody seems to care...

A week or two ago I ended up attempting twice that week but they ended up releasing me with absolutely nothing, no therapist after I just lost my 4th-5th one, no inpatient, NOTHING I don't think they even had me confirm that I wouldn't do it again if they released me, not even time to recover from the fact i had a traumatic hospital visit.

We did have a check up at my main hospital where once again these people are still telling me to just be patient and that they're going to help me which is absolute BS because they've been telling me this for fucking months to a year and it's clearly gotten WORSE, and my mom agrees with them NO I NEEDED HELP YEARS AGO.

It's gotten so bad that I had an angry meltdown and I was hoping that one of the neighbors would hear what was going on and would either launch noise complaints or have a welfare check because of the stuff that I was saying and doing, I was borderline threatening myself and somewhat others (all be it empty threats for the other people).

I've genuinely just been watching myself absolutely deteriorate like I keep describing it like I'm just watching myself rotting away and everybody is just acting normally, what do I have to do in order to get any help do I have to actually be on the brink or like what is the barrier of entry to get HELP?

I keep reaching out in literally every way that I possibly can online because in person there is literally NOTHING I can do, my best friend and I cant really do much because shes struggling really badly mentally as well and ive honestly just been not giving a shit what I say or do...oh I wanna randomly scream sure, I wanna break my wall go ahead, I wanna interact with stuff that pisses me off more sure, I DONT CARE ANYMORE.

Tw: Sh and attempt mentioned

It doesnt have too much to do with my audhd, but im thinking about this because it kinda serious.

I went to the hospital a week or two ago for misusing medication wich resulted in there being an issue with my liver and needing to get medication to reverse the affects.

Near the end of my visit they did a mental check in thing where I told them EVERYTHING including exactly how and when I decided to do it, the fact that it was NOT the first time that week I tried it, the many scars on my arms and legs, ect ect.

I was expecting to either be sent to the mental hospital again OR finally get another psychiatrist or anything...instead they just mentioned the fact I said I wasnt trying to take myself out wich...yeah I wasnt fully intending on going but like...I fully planned the things I did and planned for a harmful outcome.

All they did was suggest was some outpatient place called Charlie's or something and released me right back into the wild...why did I get sent to the mental hospital for scars when I was 14...but this isnt hospital worthy...thats makes absolutely 0 sense why is everybody treating this so damn calmly?

The juxtaposition is really getting to me cause like...even if they dont put me into a pychward I feel like i would still need immediate attention or like a welfare check...I mean I was medically cleared after the medication but like...mentally?

Not in a literal sense but in the fact that my cognitive and general mental stuff is doing horribly at the moment, my friends have been unable to talk to me, a day or two ago I questioned why my sleeping pills werent working...only to find out I never took anything.

last night I have a breakdown of me screaming, kicking in my door, and saying every intrusive harmful thought that came to mind hoping someone might call the police for noise or a welfare check for the stuff i said.

It ended with me grabbing a box of dry cereal and a container of water and just hand feeding myself while watching videos in the middle of the night, now today im really angry so I threw one of my stuffed animals, scratching my blanket, having the urge to scream again, and then cooking and eating alot of food despite having zero interest in eating at all so now im full and hate it.

Then look around my room and see where I am mentally, glass cup of water spilt on the floor, another jug of cold water, my stuffed bear thrown across the room, my clothes either on the floor or hanging out of my drawer, my sketchbooks and pan on the floor, and I dont have the energy to care about ANY of it.

Oh and for some added "fun" as I said I feel like im completely decomposed day by day while everybody else gets to tell me to "be patient" while they continue to live and exist, i don't...I barley exist, i have nothing but to just sit here on my bed, watching whatever the hell and occasionally drawing and pretending like I haven't absolutely lost my mind and any grip on myself that I still have.

You wanna know where my restraint is going? Me not punching the wall is where my restraint is.

I genuinely want help, but it feels like no matter what I do it will not come, it feels like im watching myself mentally rot and people aren't moving fast enough to help, I question how people are just going about their daily lives, telling me to just wait for arbitrary amount of time, and acting like things are normal when for me I feel like im getting worse everyday.

My mental issues feel like an infection that keep spreading, but it feels like im being left behind even if i know thats not fully true, but something just doesnt feel right like at all, something feels severely wrong like SERIOUSLY wrong.

Last night it started with me talking with my dad about something I dont wanna discuss right now, but it led to an argument and I absolutely lost my mind, I started screaming, kicking my bedroom door and the wall, I spewed out alot of my intrusive thoughts, when he threatened to kick me out (did since I was 13) I repeatedly told him to DO IT if he was going to wich ofc he didn't.

Honestly just alot of me screaming for absolutely no reason even when he left I was still freaking out and screaming, because i felt like it didn't matter anymore it wouldnt bring me help any quicker the best I could do is pray one of the neighbors would call the cops to launch a noise or welfare check...Sadly that didnt happen instead the outcome was the same as always.

I laid on the floor slightly out of it, kept kicking my door really rhythmically before getting up and sitting back on my bed and grabbing a jug of water and a whole container of cereal and watching YouTube...because thats genuinely where I am at this point...just an absolute mush who goes between about to have a breakdown but controlled, in the middle of a breakdown, and full on depressive episode where absolutely nothing matters.

I wont lie I've been a massive prick, but im not lying when I genuinely say I NEED HELP, how am I supposed to get better or improve my behavior when I have NOTHING and NOBODY, my friends barley talk to me anymore because there struggling too wich leaves me with virtually NOBODY I feel comfortable talking to about my issues.

Im struggling with ALOT and its affecting me heavily, im dealing with severe dissociation, memory issues, depressive symptoms are really bad, and I feel very alone and like everything around me just wants to torture me...I dont know what im supposed to do nor what I did wrong.

Im upset because I constantly keep getting the energy to atleast somewhat clean my room and it manages to get bad again, the final straw and why im now sitting on the living room couch is because there was a bug...our apartment occasionally has roaches but I could barley see it and im assuming it can fly cause i would blink and it'd be in a completely different spot, whatever point is there either is actually a bug or im losing my fucking mind.

On top of that my dumbass forgot to take the oatmeal I had last night out of my room because I was tired and I dont even know why I ate the oatmeal, I dont know why I keep eating at all when Im not hungry when it feels like anything I eat makes me somewhat wanna vomit and I regret it because I dont like it.

I have nobody and nowhere to vent my issues to, years ago I used to post alot on the mentalillness sub but it seems to be permanently down, so I have to resort to specific subs related to things im dealing with, im just really upset and want everybody and every living thing to just leave me alone and let me sleep for like the next week or three...I haven't even gotten to recover after my hospital trip that was because of a Mental Health crises.

I have nobody to help me, I need help going through and cleaning my room, I need a psychiatrist help me with my issues, ect ect but I just keep being told "Just wait, just wait" ITS BEEN 5 YEARS how much longer am I supposed to wait while I actively have to watch and feel my mind deteriate...it doesnt matter how BAD I get it, it will not bring help any sooner.

I also get annoyed when my dad criticizes me with no actual alternatives, I admitted that sometimes when im not doing well I impulsively cook things when im not really hungry and make myself eat them and just have my dad tell me "Don't waste food like that"...ARE WE GOING TO ADRESS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM OR NOT, is that REALLY your main concern, its NEVER about my wellbeing.

At this point I dont really care if im selfish, ill be the biggest prick around and because nobody cares either way until shit starts affecting THEM, at this point why should I put ANY effort into being decent or managing myself?