u/Sodacat27

Ive been with my aunt and its been very overstimulating for me because she treats me like an actual 5yr old when im 18 and is so fucking loud. Maybe its just my sensory issues being unable to tell background noise from foreground noise but hold fuck its giving me a headache.

Firstly she likes to listen to music wich is fine, but she keeps singing to it and she will try to whisper sing...except I can hear it clear as day including when im trying to sleep, ive had to ask her to turn it down multiple times or watching a video. now I can go into the living room when my uncle is at work...but on days he's not im fucked and i have to wait for her to sleep...then hear her snore.

I am very overstimulated and ive been trying not to be a prick, but there are times it slips through mostly my very straight forwards awnsers, my tone, and heavy groaning that she cant even hear. I keep having the extreme urge to just tell her to shut the hell up and leave me alone.

I want to rip my ears off or bash my head into a fucking wall, im barley joking. I cant focus on my videos, I can barley read, I cant think ANYTHING other than "SHUT THE FUCK UP", "why are Americans so fucking loud", and stuff like that (the second one I think is a stim i picked up from a video or something).

Then as far as treating me like a 5yr old, I can tell you when im hungry, I can get chicken out of the oven, I can go for a walk outside without you, im not going to join a "pact" i dont even have friends in person nor really leave the house at all, i KNOW predators exist yall are WAY too late for that conversation.

All of that compared to my dad's place, my dad works VERY often so he's hardly ever at the house, but even when he is i usally just stay in my own room the whole time, the most annoying thing he does is make me say good morning when im just trying to get my water and leave. We're having issues at the moment wich is why ive been here for the past weeks to a month.

Call me or see me however you want, im not trying to be a prick. I've literally scratched or hit myself because I tried to stay quiet while overstimulated because nobody ever understands what Im saying or misinterpretes my tone.

For example my aunt was telling me something and due to annoyance I just went "Okay." A little faster and snapper than intended but she took it as me being excited/happy...how the fuck? Other times she'll hear me laughing and think im crying (I would never cry in front of her because I dont want to be bothered), and my normal baseline tone as me being depressed or upset.

Before anyone says to wear headphones...i wear headphones 24 hours everyday, unless im sleeping or they need to charge and I only charge them when its quiter or Im going to sleep, I can hear it even when i turn my volume up alot but obviously I can't stay like that because its too much.

Im just turning 18 this month and ive been trying to make money for the things I want, because my family isn't doing the best financially and generally I just dont like asking for money or anything, unfortunately due to my disability and mental health I'm unable to work a normal job like my stepbrother who's the exact same age as me.

I spent majority of yesterday trying to look for ways to make money online, i tried surveys, play to get money, i tried looking and all of them were just about the exact same things making online content, writing articles, just stuff like that...the best one I could find was selling things like braclets, slime, ect.

I went on Etsy and other places to look for bracelet making supplies so I could sell kandi, unfortunately the beads alone costed basically everything I had left, that wasnt accounting for the string, the bubble packaging, if i added freebees like stickers or a business card, and the cost that etsy has for making a listing.

I ended up having to do all of this research and stuff mostly because I primarily just want to do art commissions but for whatever reason I haven't been able to get any Commissioners at all, the only message I've gotten was a scam, ill try promoting my stuff on YouTube but im genuinely close to giving up on art and stuff.

If anybody has advice on art commissions and stuff I would appreciate it.

Tw: drug mention and grooming

So i was groomed when I was 13-16 online, its a very long story just know that my previous irl experiences affected alot of what happened online and I still carry both of those things with me to this day, but other parts of me hold that stuff more than me so im alright as far as that.

There was one particular situation where I was dealing with some REALLY bad people just to put it as lightly as I can, the main one the one who i did alot for would invite random others into chats because that was a thing he was into, weather it was people in my position or the majority men and women in HIS position.

For some reason I keep fixating on this because of a song I heard recently, but this one guy I remember asking if I liked meth/coke and ofc because i was trying to stay in their favor I said yeah despite obviously never even vaping before until recently, but it made them happy.

Recently I became really impulsive for reasons I can't figure out and one thing I wanted to do was "THAT" and i didnt understand it but im my head i was thinking "Well i told him i did this so I should actually do it and prepare for when they ask me to, they would like it if I did it" like similar thoughts but then its like...i haven't interacted with them for YEARS but even now thoes thoughts are in my head.

I dont know what the hell happened to me or why, like seriously I feel like an actor in a sitcom who just became self aware, this just simply isn't me its so weird but its something I realized and wanted to know if anyone else did too. I wont do it cause I dont have nor want access but yk.

I know what they are, basically psudomemories that originate from an interjects source feel free to give me a more in depth explanation but thats all I know for now, but how exactly do they happen how can your mind make memories of things that technically didnt happen (atleast from an outside perspective)?

We did have an alter who identified as a fictionkin of jax from tadc and discovered this because he got source memories about ribbit and others in the circus, but I still dont quite know how that happens aside from knowing that in OUR case they kinda "cover" or are used to explain ourselves and people in our lives.

Like this alter could identify the memories and dynamic he had with ribbit for example to a situation with our friend and they kinda matched up, im really sorry if im rambling or no longer making sense.

Ive had a complicated history with prozac, pre diagnoses at 14 i was given prozac in the mental hospital and given a bottle afterwards, I took about 3 times before giving up because i was dealing with paranoia and severe intrusive thoughts along with just not believing it would work.

Now IM the one who said I wanted to try prozac again about a month or two ago and yet I took it twice and then stopped because something happened and i became so depressed I didnt care about anything at all because everything lost meaning, also adhd doesn't help.

Now im having to restart this whole process, I have taken two so far one yesterday and one today and this time I will try to stay on it atleast until my next doctor's appointment, but dear god taking meds every single day just to MAYBE get something out of it is really messing with my temper, I dont even know what their supposed to do other than "help my depression".

I dont have much faith in them at all because "depression" isn't the full picture, I have PTSD, autism, generalized anxiety, and other stuff, thoes aren't going to be helped with depression meds alone...

i need therapy but people are ALWAYS dragging their feet when it comes to help, im deeply jealous of my fellow mentally unwell friend who has alot of money and has a care team who checks up on him (his issues are more severe, but my point stands).

Luckily my team is sorta trying to help me but I'll be honest they've told me they are going to help me since I was 14 so to be completely honest, I do have faith but im also prepared to have to start begging again, as embarrassing as that was.

Sorry for the worlds longest rant, I always come up with a particular topic and then ramble about vaugly related stuff.

So online there was a situation that has lasted way longer than it truly should have. I had a friendship that was incredibly harmful and toxic. I was often scared to get on his bad side because of things he has said or done to others and the fact that he was a constant liar and volatile and just unpredictable.

As a result I have since completely distance myself from him this means changing a lot of my socials that we interacted on and removing him as a friend. To be honest it feels very Bittersweet but honestly it's something I had to do because interacting with a friend shouldn't feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells or being constantly scared/worried.

I've had multiple people in my life including mental health professionals tell me that this person definitely didn't seem like a good friend and that I should cut them off. I didn't want to because I genuinely care about them like when they aren't being that way it's decent to talk to them but I cant just ignore the genuine harm he's done to others and how he treats me.

So like I said I changed my socials and stuff like that and I'm basically out of the drama. I mean I still have the other person connected to it as a friend but he is actually a very good person and I feel really bad for not believing him at the start. It was because he was really nice to me and I didn't fully understand the situation.

I saw something really disturbing on tiktok and it massively changed things for me. I already had limited social media. however I had to expand because im an artist who post their work online and unfortunately some platforms do better than others. My social medias were supposed to be used primarily for art but it got a chock hold on me i won't lie lol.

Then for twitter im alot more hesitant on now. They added a feature where anyone can just AI your art or whatever wich makes me uncomfortable. So im going to make a new account and just try to interact with artist communities on there.

I think the main ones I'll have will be YouTube, Instagram (friends), discord (friends), reddit (art + community), and twitter (art+community), but other socials are just for keeping up with my favourite artist and things. Im also going to have a stricter limit for how long i can be on some social media. the only one without a limit would be YouTube.

The internet has been helping me cope for YEARS since I was very young for better and for worst. but as ive gotten older (18 lol) i realized maybe its time to go back to journaling and processing things the way I used to.

I will be doing this for 30 days and I will report back here on day 20 about how it went and maybe encourage some other people to adopt this. You dont have to drop social media ENTIRELY unless that's what you want to do. Its just making sure your doing the things you WANT to do.

You know that episode of SpongeBob. I think its called "Born again krabs"? ngl that's how i genuinely feel 😅

I was on tiktok because I have a vent account out there. A few days ago my friend made a video and warned about the "Folk valley" trend to put it bluntly its posting graphic content. I had seen a screenshot of one vid on twitter wich had a filter so it didn't register in my head so I was fine.

I had seen certain content in the past. But not only was that a few years ago but it was also so damn blurry I couldn't make out a single thing and moved before I even had time to process. But I saw a video that seriously caught me off guard and im trying to cry about it nor get massive anxiety.

The video was about a skatepark and it had an audio from the goldish commercial. So I thought it was going to be a funny fail or a cool trick. But no. I heard a sound and I cant tell if it was from the actual video or just the audio but holy fuck its still playing in my head. Im like genuinely not well but im trying to keep myself together.

I dont know what to do. I messaged both of my friends tonight telling them what happened and how i genuinely want to vomit. I seriously dont know what to do after this how am I supposed to exist in a world where THAT exist. Maybe I'm being dramatic but my stomach is really painful and I feel heavily queasy.

Im probably deleting tiktok after that because Im genuinely scared. I was genuinely just trying to find audios to use for my venting videos because my ones on YouTube shorts didn't do so well. I might just go back to YouTube shorts.

Any wholesome content creators or videos or advice like anything?

Im 17-18 and im going to slam my head into a wall if this continues being an issue so. How do I clean all of the dishes, clean the counters, and clean the floors every single day.

No I can't just focus on my own dishes, no I can't just focus on maintaining my own space in a way that would feel more manageable, and no i cant take a break for a day nor a weekend. Im at the house all day because i do virtual schooling.

I have multiple schedules taped to my wall right where I can see them one for daily self care, one for chores, and one for exercise. Just like everything schedule i try to make it completely failed within a week. When my mental health drops i start with missing one day and suddenly I genuinly can't continue because it feels useless.

My dad says hes already lowered the bar for me because a few years ago he wanted me to do the dishes, take out the trash, vacuum/sweep the floors, and clean the counter tops everyday. But now its just washing dishes, cleaning counter tops, and sweeping the floor...i dont know why my brain is this slow and can't even do thoes task everyday thats basic stuff.

I dont have ADHD meds. The only medication I have is depression meds wich...wouldnt you guess I also constantly forget or just straight up dont care about them. If it doesn't help me that day I get fustrated I dont want to be on these things for months only for them not to even work. Thats a waste of time when i could be getting ACTUAL help.

I know im going to be 18 next month. I need to figure this stuff out. My therapist talked about a dual situation where someone would come to the house and help me with like basic stuff and then there would be digital sessions. So that could help.

Thats just my irritation talking. I asked my dad if he could bring them to my aunt's house. Because he won't let me back home due to the chore thing. At this point im convinced he's just glad to get rid of me because I know im difficult. Im trying to fix myself wich is why im here.

I know realistically M is dormant. Meaning he's not died or gone just inaccessible and has been for MONTHS now. We're about to have our 18th birthday soon and he's not even here.

When M went dormant he took everything else with him. Some pretty important memories, sense of self, childhood stuff, emotions, and everything that made us who we are. I dont know who or what we are, who we believe, or anything about ourselves on a fundamental level.

We're genuinely just wearing his skin and interacting with our friends and stuff using our OWN identities as a cover up for the fact we have no clue what we are just being alone. Like something feels wrong in my soul and I dont know how im supposed to fix that without M being here. it feels like theres a massive hole in my heart where something used to be.

He learned about all of this WAY too early. how were we even supposed to prepare for something like this. He was struggling heavily day to day and was scared and tried promising people that he would fix himself. we didnt think this would happen though.

Tw: Sui ideations mentioned with no detail or anything

Everyday I think about it. I have no intention on following through with it or anything along thoes lines for multiple reasons but its in my head so much that i dont even bother to tell people about it.

I made a post saying "I dont know why im still here". To my suprise my friend actually messaged me to ask what was wrong. I didnt expect him to see it and especially wasn't expecting him to actually respond to it. I was even a little embarrassed since for me it was a bit of a throw away thing.

I told him i was fine physically...as far as mentally not so much. I dont want to sugar coat things but I also dont want to worry anyone because generally there's nothing TO worry about. again this is just me everyday I just chose to express it today.

Besides the things making me feel this way probably aren't even real. Maybe I am just a spoiled brat, maybe I am a narcissistic prick hiding behind a mask of being decent, maybe a hypocrite, and maybe everything i know and believe about myself and everything has just been a big lie.

Honestly would any of that even matter anymore. because due to dissociation and related issues its very hard for me to actually think about stuff like if I were asked if i wanted to start therapy again. I'd just say "I mean...might as well try something".

I made a mild mistake. I found some of my family members online and while some of it was really funny...some of it has made me confused along with looking at other things and its made things confusing.

Im sorry if my speaking is weird right now. Im just confused and trying to explain as best as I can. Im not in school anymore, my step cousin is 20-21 and in the air force now, and for my grandmother she has passed and I barley even remember her for real (I've known her since I was an infant).

I dont know whats going on. I dont know WHY this had to happen. genuinely what did I do to deserve not being able to remember massive chunks of my life, not being mentally present for a good chunk of it, and having everything flip on me. Genuinely what did I do?

I dont like this. I know part of trauma healing is learning to integrate your past and present. but i CAN'T. I dont like my present. I don't like my past but especially NOT my present. how am I supposed to accept a reality where I feel like i dont exist, most of what I knew is a lie, ive lost myself, and anything that once grounded me is almost all gone.

I know im another part. But i dont even know if im real. I can interact with things, communicate with people, ect ect. But I dont entirely feel like a real person at times. Thank you for listening, red said we would get notebooks and stuff when we get our debit card delivered so hopefully you won't see many post like these.

I went to check one of my friend's (Jake's) social media as they Usally post things around this time. But i see a rather concerned post saying that they were going to call a faircheck on our other friend (James) wich ofc concerned me so I went to check James socials.

James had a post that seemed slightly concerning so I told Jake in the comments that I would check up on him and see if he's okay. Unfortunately I noticed he removed me as a friend wich concerned me so I asked if he was okay and sent a request back.

He mostly showed me messages from Jake being rather paranoid about him and stuff I dont fully want to get into. He removed me as a friend about 3 times mid conversation. The third time he slightly threatened me and I was confused in what I did and told him if he needed space Im willing to give that but I genuinely dont understand the hostility.

He then told me it was because he kept removing me as a friend and I would make a request back. I apologized and genuinely didn't realize because he kept messaging me back after I did it. Either way I apolgized and haven't messaged him back I dont wanna piss him off anymore than this situation likely has.

I will admit I'm sad because I genuinely wasn't trying to upset him and because i will admit it slightly hurt. But im taking this personally i know why he's upset and I now know what he wants.