u/Western-Sense-31

For the past year, I (19M, ADHD) have been tormented and extremely worried about the fact that I could secretly be a bad person or a narcissist, and the more I look at some of my actions and habits, the more worried I become.
1.) I lie often - like, extremely often. It feels like it’s become second nature to me, and as much as I hate it, I can’t stop. I do it mostly to avoid confrontation or my parents lashing out. I’ve done it from childhood to avoid their warpath. Or to make myself sound cooler than I am, but it even just happens automatically when I’m talking and don’t want to admit something or didn’t do something I’m being asked about; I just lie, and I hate it.
2.) I’m extremely insecure and maybe overly prideful sometimes. I have swings of feeling overly bad about myself, scrutinizing every detail about what I do. I feel sometimes I’m even motivated by competition or trying to be good instead of passion. I constantly feel I am the worst person in the room and want to die for it. I hate myself sometimes, from how I look to my intelligence to a lack of accomplishment. Even when I do accomplish things, it feels like I move the goalpost and just make myself feel worthless and like what I do is not worthy of pride.
I go from this to extreme pride sometimes and feeling like I’m better than certain people, and this confuses me sometimes. I interrupt others in conversation to get my point across, and I realize later. I can also project the overcritical side of myself that I try not to apply to others onto others, and sometimes absolutely insult people in my head. I feel guilty for it and don’t even know if that’s actually what I think or not.
3.) I feel like, in a verbal situation, I lack empathy. Like when I see people suffering, it’s a coin flip whether I feel anything resonate at all. Sometimes I feel bad; sometimes I don’t, and it often feels like if I don’t feel sadness for my own sake, I don’t feel it at all. While I do feel empathy and try earnestly to help people like family, the homeless, friends, etc., sometimes it feels like my empathy and some emotions just disappear.
I also find it hard to really connect with or maintain firm interest in most of my friends beyond just checking in with them. Oftentimes, even texting feels like a game of listen and respond rather than actually feeling deeply engaged or connected to the conversation. I care about my friends, but I sometimes struggle to feel that deeper connection or sustained interest, and that makes me question myself even more.
I feel, though, as if I’m a bad person and a narcissist or stupid, and I have frequently thought about suicide because of these possibilities. What should I do, and what are the telltale signs that I am one of the two?
(I also have maladaptive daydreaming, if that’s a sign.)

I don’t want to be a narcissist the thought of it makes me scared but I need to know

19m
I’ve recently realized that I have a problem that has followed me through high school and college: a lack of confidence and, underneath that, a pretty unstable sense of self-worth.

It’s something that has been noticed by almost everyone in my life, including my friends, parents, and people I’ve worked with. I can come across as nervous or awkward in social situations, look down, have closed-off or unsure body language, and generally give off the impression that I’m insecure. More importantly, it has affected the way I actually live my life. It makes me reluctant to try new things, prevents me from doing things I genuinely want to do, and has majorly contributed to problems in my relationships.
It is apparent to me that a lot of my self-worth is based on external things: my grades, accomplishments, how successful I am, how other people perceive me, etc. When I’m doing well, I feel good about myself. But when I fail at something or see someone who seems much more successful than me, that sense of worth can completely collapse.

I don’t think that’s a sustainable way to live.
At the same time, I don’t really want to solve this by simply repeating affirmations like “I’m amazing” or “I’m good enough” when I don’t actually believe them. So how do you actually build a stable sense of self-worth that comes from within?
What can you base your worth on that is deeper and more concrete than grades, accomplishments, attractiveness, social status, or comparison with other people?
And how do you turn that internal sense of worth into confidence, rather than just acting confident?

19m
I’ve recently realized that I have a problem that has followed me through high school and college: a lack of confidence and, underneath that, a pretty unstable sense of self-worth.

It’s something that has been noticed by almost everyone in my life, including my friends, parents, and people I’ve worked with. I can come across as nervous or awkward in social situations, look down, have closed-off or unsure body language, and generally give off the impression that I’m insecure. More importantly, it has affected the way I actually live my life. It makes me reluctant to try new things, prevents me from doing things I genuinely want to do, and has majorly contributed to problems in my relationships.
It is apparent to me that a lot of my self-worth is based on external things: my grades, accomplishments, how successful I am, how other people perceive me, etc. When I’m doing well, I feel good about myself. But when I fail at something or see someone who seems much more successful than me, that sense of worth can completely collapse.

I don’t think that’s a sustainable way to live.
At the same time, I don’t really want to solve this by simply repeating affirmations like “I’m amazing” or “I’m good enough” when I don’t actually believe them. So how do you actually build a stable sense of self-worth that comes from within?
What can you base your worth on that is deeper and more concrete than grades, accomplishments, attractiveness, social status, or comparison with other people?
And how do you turn that internal sense of worth into confidence, rather than just acting confident?

19m
I’ve recently realized that I have a problem that has followed me through high school and college: a lack of confidence and, underneath that, a pretty unstable sense of self-worth.

It’s something that has been noticed by almost everyone in my life, including my friends, parents, and people I’ve worked with. I can come across as nervous or awkward in social situations, look down, have closed-off or unsure body language, and generally give off the impression that I’m insecure. More importantly, it has affected the way I actually live my life. It makes me reluctant to try new things, prevents me from doing things I genuinely want to do, and has majorly contributed to problems in my relationships.
It is apparent to me that a lot of my self-worth is based on external things: my grades, accomplishments, how successful I am, how other people perceive me, etc. When I’m doing well, I feel good about myself. But when I fail at something or see someone who seems much more successful than me, that sense of worth can completely collapse.

I don’t think that’s a sustainable way to live.
At the same time, I don’t really want to solve this by simply repeating affirmations like “I’m amazing” or “I’m good enough” when I don’t actually believe them. So how do you actually build a stable sense of self-worth that comes from within?
What can you base your worth on that is deeper and more concrete than grades, accomplishments, attractiveness, social status, or comparison with other people?
And how do you turn that internal sense of worth into confidence, rather than just acting confident?

19m
I’ve recently realized that I have a problem that has followed me through high school and college: a lack of confidence and, underneath that, a pretty unstable sense of self-worth.

It’s something that has been noticed by almost everyone in my life, including my friends, parents, and people I’ve worked with. I can come across as nervous or awkward in social situations, look down, have closed-off or unsure body language, and generally give off the impression that I’m insecure. More importantly, it has affected the way I actually live my life. It makes me reluctant to try new things, prevents me from doing things I genuinely want to do, and has majorly contributed to problems in my relationships.
It is apparent to me that a lot of my self-worth is based on external things: my grades, accomplishments, how successful I am, how other people perceive me, etc. When I’m doing well, I feel good about myself. But when I fail at something or see someone who seems much more successful than me, that sense of worth can completely collapse.

I don’t think that’s a sustainable way to live.
At the same time, I don’t really want to solve this by simply repeating affirmations like “I’m amazing” or “I’m good enough” when I don’t actually believe them. So how do you actually build a stable sense of self-worth that comes from within?
What can you base your worth on that is deeper and more concrete than grades, accomplishments, attractiveness, social status, or comparison with other people?
And how do you turn that internal sense of worth into confidence, rather than just acting confident?

19m
I’ve recently realized that I have a problem that has followed me through high school and college: a lack of confidence and, underneath that, a pretty unstable sense of self-worth.

It’s something that has been noticed by almost everyone in my life, including my friends, parents, and people I’ve worked with. I can come across as nervous or awkward in social situations, look down, have closed-off or unsure body language, and generally give off the impression that I’m insecure. More importantly, it has affected the way I actually live my life. It makes me reluctant to try new things, prevents me from doing things I genuinely want to do, and has majorly contributed to problems in my relationships.
It is apparent to me that a lot of my self-worth is based on external things: my grades, accomplishments, how successful I am, how other people perceive me, etc. When I’m doing well, I feel good about myself. But when I fail at something or see someone who seems much more successful than me, that sense of worth can completely collapse.

I don’t think that’s a sustainable way to live.
At the same time, I don’t really want to solve this by simply repeating affirmations like “I’m amazing” or “I’m good enough” when I don’t actually believe them. So how do you actually build a stable sense of self-worth that comes from within?
What can you base your worth on that is deeper and more concrete than grades, accomplishments, attractiveness, social status, or comparison with other people?
And how do you turn that internal sense of worth into confidence, rather than just acting confident?

Sometimes, if I’m being honest, I (19M) really wish I was white, or at least anything but Black.
In the world today, Black people are easily at the rock bottom of society’s totem pole. If there’s one thing most societies have in common, it’s their hatred and disdain for us. In the United States, we’ve been discriminated against and oppressed for years and are still racially attacked in the South. In Europe, anti-immigrant sentiment is on the rise, and Black people are the first ones they start to fearmonger about. In Africa, most countries are exploited by foreign companies and countries, then ravaged by corruption. It’s to the point where I feel like there is no good place to go to escape all of this.
I have dreams of living abroad, away from the U.S., in places like France or the Netherlands, but I know I will never truly assimilate or be French or Dutch.
Even on the interpersonal level, when I try to make friends in college, people just make racial jokes about me. It gets to a point where I don’t want to be blamed for, made fun of, or stereotyped for things I don’t even do, things my family and friends don’t do, simply because I share the same skin color as people who may do bad things. I just feel as if things would be easier if I was white. Of course, I’d still have to put effort into things, but I feel like getting jobs would be easier, finding relationships would be easier, and traveling in most places would be easier. I would not be watched in stores, patronized in school, stared at in public, called slurs online or in person, and so on. Even looking on Instagram, you see people just hating us with every fiber of their beings.
Even in my interests, I feel like I fall short. I love studying history, especially ancient history, but I really don’t know much past the vague notion of Africa, where I am from, and what culture my descendants would have belonged to in ancient times. White people and Asian people can trace their lineage to grand civilizations like ancient China, Greece, Egypt, Assyria, Persia, and India. I know there were many Indian civilizations, but I digress.
Even African immigrants can still see their beautiful cultures, like Ethiopians, Nigerians, etc. But as African Americans, I’m completely divorced from that.
To feel like no matter what I do, no matter how educated I continue to get, no matter how prestigious of a job I have, to many people, especially in this political climate, I’ll just be a monkey holding a diploma.

I know this is nowhere near a healthy way of thinking, but it sometimes just feels true in my daily life. I have no disdain for the Black community and enjoy it. My problem is that the perception of Blackness and Black people is often much more negative than positive, and that racism can and may prevent me from attaining certain things I want, and I'm not sure how to overcome this feeling

Sometimes, if I’m being honest, I (19M) really wish I was white, or at least anything but Black.
In the world today, Black people are easily at the rock bottom of society’s totem pole. If there’s one thing most societies have in common, it’s their hatred and disdain for us. In the United States, we’ve been discriminated against and oppressed for years and are still racially attacked in the South. In Europe, anti-immigrant sentiment is on the rise, and Black people are the first ones they start to fearmonger about. In Africa, most countries are exploited by foreign companies and countries, then ravaged by corruption. It’s to the point where I feel like there is no good place to go to escape all of this.
I have dreams of living abroad, away from the U.S., in places like France or the Netherlands, but I know I will never truly assimilate or be French or Dutch.
Even on the interpersonal level, when I try to make friends in college, people just make racial jokes about me. It gets to a point where I don’t want to be blamed for, made fun of, or stereotyped for things I don’t even do, things my family and friends don’t do, simply because I share the same skin color as people who may do bad things. I just feel as if things would be easier if I was white. Of course, I’d still have to put effort into things, but I feel like getting jobs would be easier, finding relationships would be easier, and traveling in most places would be easier. I would not be watched in stores, patronized in school, stared at in public, called slurs online or in person, and so on. Even looking on Instagram, you see people just hating us with every fiber of their beings.
Even in my interests, I feel like I fall short. I love studying history, especially ancient history, but I really don’t know much past the vague notion of Africa, where I am from, and what culture my descendants would have belonged to in ancient times. White people and Asian people can trace their lineage to grand civilizations like ancient China, Greece, Egypt, Assyria, Persia, and India. I know there were many Indian civilizations, but I digress.
Even African immigrants can still see their beautiful cultures, like Ethiopians, Nigerians, etc. But as African Americans, I’m completely divorced from that.
To feel like no matter what I do, no matter how educated I continue to get, no matter how prestigious of a job I have, to many people, especially in this political climate, I’ll just be a monkey holding a diploma.

I know this is nowhere near a healthy way of thinking, but it sometimes just feels true in my daily life. I have no disdain for the Black community and enjoy it. My problem is that the perception of Blackness and Black people is often much more negative than positive, and that racism can and may prevent me from attaining certain things I want, and I'm not sure how to overcome this feeling

Sometimes, if I’m being honest, I (19M) really wish I were white, or at least anything but Black.

In the world today, Black people are often treated as though they are at the bottom of society’s totem pole. If there is one thing many societies seem to have in common, it is their hatred and disdain for us. In the United States, we have been discriminated against and oppressed for centuries, and we still face racial attacks, particularly in the South. In Europe, anti-immigrant sentiment is on the rise, and Black people are often among the first groups used in fearmongering. In Africa, many countries are exploited by foreign companies and countries and then ravaged by corruption. It has gotten to the point where I feel like there is no good place to go to escape all of this.

I have dreams of living abroad, away from the U.S., in places like France or the Netherlands, but I know I will never truly assimilate or be French or Dutch.

Even on an interpersonal level, when I try to make friends in college, people make racial jokes about me. It gets to a point where I don’t want to be blamed for, made fun of, or stereotyped because of things I don’t do, things my family and friends don’t do, simply because I share the same skin color as people who may have done bad things. I just feel as if things would be easier if I were white. Of course, I would still have to put effort into things, but I feel like getting jobs would be easier, finding relationships would be easier, and traveling to most places would be easier. I would not be watched in stores, patronized in school, stared at in public, called slurs online or in person, and so on. Even looking on Instagram, you see people who seem to hate us with every fiber of their beings.

Even in my interests, I feel like I fall short. I love studying history, especially ancient history, but I really don’t know much beyond the vague notion of Africa’s history. I don’t know where I fit or what cultures my ancestors would have belonged to in ancient times. White and Asian people can often trace their heritage to grand civilizations like ancient China, Greece, Egypt, Assyria, Persia, or India. I know there were many different Indian civilizations, but I digress. Even African immigrants can still see and connect with their beautiful cultures, whether they are Ethiopian, Nigerian, or from elsewhere on the continent. But as an African American, I feel completely divorced from that history.

It makes me feel like, no matter what I do, no matter how educated I become, and no matter how prestigious of a job I have, to many people, especially in this political climate, I’ll still just be a monkey holding a diploma.

Hey I’m 19 and I’m looking
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I’m looking to try and get some high quality gear to reenact a 4th or 5th century ad Roman officer where are some good places to source that?

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