u/Ok-Assistant-9694

I’m 18 and I’ve been homeschooled my whole life, so I never really experienced normal crushes or relationships growing up. For the past 1–2 years I’ve been deeply attached to a guy online and honestly it feels like I’m already emotionally dating him even though we’ve never met.

I think about him constantly, fantasize about him emotionally and sexually sometimes, cry over him sometimes, and even get scared imagining him leaving me. I even imagine being physically intimate with him sometimes, which honestly makes the attachment feel even more real and intense to me.

Part of me feels safer loving someone from a distance because I’m terrified of rejection in real life.

I’m starting university soon and I keep wondering if this is something people eventually grow out of, or if I’m going to stay stuck on this person forever and never want a real relationship.😭🥺💔

I’m 18 and I’ve been homeschooled my whole life, so I never really experienced normal crushes or relationships growing up. For the past 1–2 years I’ve been deeply attached to a guy online and honestly it feels like I’m already emotionally dating him even though we’ve never met.

I think about him constantly, fantasize about him, cry over him sometimes, and even get scared imagining him leaving me. Part of me feels safer loving someone from a distance because I’m terrified of rejection in real life.

I’m starting university soon and I keep wondering if this is something people eventually grow out of, or if I’m going to stay stuck on this person forever and never want a real relationship.😭🥺💔

Is it actually possible for people to collectively gaslight themselves into treating completely made-up bullshit like objective truth? Because when I was 11, my dumbass genuinely believed women just became boring and unattractive after their 30s. No evidence. No life experience. No observation. I basically just went: “young = beautiful” therefore “older = not beautiful” Absolute genius-level stupidity.

The funniest part is I’d literally seen gorgeous women in their 40s and still ignored reality because my brain had already decided the vibe.

That’s why I suspect a lot of “common sense” beliefs probably started the exact same way: somebody confidently pulls an opinion out of their ass, enough people repeat it, and suddenly society treats it like ancient wisdom instead of recycled playground logic.

Like not just the studying part, but also missing out on friends, school activities, relationships, trips with friends, stuff like that?

This is kind of embarrassing but I need to know if anyone else has experienced something like this.

I saw some old footage of Bill Gates in his 20s (70s–80s era) and unexpectedly found him really attractive — like, full-on crush level.

But now knowing more about his later associations (Epstein, etc.), I feel conflicted. Weirdly, my brain keeps separating “his younger self” from “his current self” as if they’re completely different people.

Is it normal to be attracted to a “past version” of someone while disliking who they are now? Or am I just being weird?

(I know this is cringe but I’m still out here daydreaming about his young, nerdy, intense, slightly obsessive self like an idiot...💔💔💔💔🥴🥴✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️🫥🫥🫥🫥🫥✨✨🥴🥴💔✌️🫥😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️😩😩😩✨✨💔👈👉👈👉👈👉👈👉👈👉👈🕳️🕳️🕳️)