u/kinzygrace

It’s just so fucking unfair. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately because I’m having a horrible body image day (worse than usual) and I just want to throw myself a pity party. I had a mental breakdown this morning while getting ready because I’m just so fucking sick of being ugly.

I’m the only ugly woman in my family and it really sucks. It’s almost laughable how badly I lost the genetic lottery- I have a beautiful mother and a beautiful sister but I look nothing like them.

The reason why I’m ugly is because I look exactly like my father. I look like a man and I’m not even exaggerating when I say that my father and I basically have the same face- it was like he had gone into a lab and cloned himself because I inherited every single one of his facial features. His face shape, his eyes, his nose, his mouth, his jaw. I feel like if I had been born male, I’d be decent looking but nature decided to fuck me over and I was born female. My father’s features look horrible on a woman.

I know that this sounds horrible but I remember hating my dad when I was younger because I looked like him- it was because of all of the bullying, mockery and mistreatment I faced in my life because of the facial features he passed down to me. But as I got older I realized that I shouldn’t hate him- I really do love my father and I know for a fact that he’ll be the only man in my life that will ever love me. He just wanted to bring a child into the world to love and nurture.

My mom was recently cleaning out her closet and found a bin of old photos- most of them were taken around the time I was born so she asked if I wanted to look at them. I’m guessing that she thought I’d be interested in seeing my baby pictures, but the thing that caught my eye was how stunning my mother looked back then. She was 29 when she had me and I’m 32 now. She was already married and had two children by the time she was my age, and I’ve never even held hands with a man yet.

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I looked like my mother instead of my father.

This has been something on my mind lately and I realistically I know that isn’t true- I have family and close friends that love me dearly. But lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’m in my 30’s and have never had a serious relationship- I rarely have anyone show interest in me and if it does happen, my anxiety ruins it.

All of my friends are in relationships- one is married, another is engaged, and the other has been in a serious long term relationship for six years now. It just makes me feel like I’m missing out on such a normal and seemingly great experience. I’ve always wanted to share my life with someone but because of my severe social anxiety, I feel like it’s out of the cards for me. I honestly don’t think that I’ll ever find anyone.

I feel like I have too many problems and that I’m too much to handle, no one would want to put up with me. I’m just really frustrated that I’m getting older and my social anxiety is still so disabling to the point where I can’t date. I feel like time is running out for me. It takes me years to be able to talk comfortably around new people. I also feel like I don’t have anything to offer anyone and that I’ll be holding them back in life because of my anxiety so it would be best if I just stay single. I have agoraphobia as well so that also plays a part, however I’m trying my absolute hardest to try overcoming it.

I’m working with my therapist on ways to manage my anxiety and come out of my comfort zone but the progress has been incredibly slow. I just want to be at the point where I’m somewhat comfortable and willing to meet new people and not avoid it at all costs- otherwise I won’t be able to meet new friends, a potential partner, and just generally live the rest of my life.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately ever since my sister came to visit a few weeks ago. She lives in a different state so I don’t get to see her very often- I love her a lot but I’ve always been jealous of her because she doesn’t have SM or social anxiety. She’s very outgoing and a social butterfly and has great social skills. Seeing her interact with people just blows my mind because of how easy and natural it is for her.

She has a really great life- she has a great job, a husband who adores her and a lot of friends. And I… don’t. It’s hard to not compare myself to her and think of where I would be in life if I was like her. This mindset is something I’m working through in therapy though.

Even though I’ve come a long way in my SM recovery journey and can speak to everyone now, I still feel like I’m decades behind everyone else in social development because I wasn’t able to socialize when I was younger. My social skills are abysmal and I’m trying so hard to catch up.

This is such a huge deal for me and I’m so proud of myself!

A little bit of context, for most of my life I’ve struggled with a severe social anxiety disorder called selective mutism. It prevents me from speaking in certain situations that make me extremely anxious, such as meeting new people. I was diagnosed at 5 and am now 31. It’s not as bad as it was when I was younger, but still impacts me and negatively effects my quality of life. I used to go out of my way to avoid any kind of social interaction and now I need to make a change and come out of my comfort zone.

I was at my local craft store a few days ago looking for diamond painting kits and when I found one I liked, I went up to check out and noticed the woman standing in line in front of me- she had gorgeous purple and blue ombré dyed hair that immediately caught my attention. Normally if someone catches my eye and I notice something about them that I like (their hair, their outfit), I keep it to myself. But I really wanted to compliment her and make her day, so I did and I managed to push through the anxiety! The way that she lit up absolutely made my day.

I told her that I really loved her hair and asked if she did it herself, to which she replied that she did. I replied by telling her how talented she was and how the colors she chose really suited her, how I really wanted to dye my hair an unnatural color but didn’t think I could pull it off. We went back and forth about hair dye for a while and then she noticed what I was buying and mentioned she really wanted to try diamond painting some day. That was basically it, and she was so sweet!

I just really wanted to share the little bit of progress that I made.

A few days ago I went out to two stores with my mom- my safe person. Usually when I’m at a store I have to have her either right next to me or be within my field of vision so I don’t panic. This time I decided to push myself out of my comfort zone and browse the clothing racks on my own while my mom wandered around the store doing her own shopping.

Both stores were crowded that day and I successfully pushed through the panic both times and found some shirts that I liked, paid for them and left. This was the first time I was on my own in a store which is such a big breakthrough, my mom was even praising me and telling me how proud she was of me. But I couldn’t feel proud of myself. I still feel so ashamed and pathetic being a 31 year old woman and still needing my mom with me whenever I go out in public because of agoraphobia. I don’t feel like an actual adult because of this condition. But this breakthrough is a step closer to my goal of being independent.

I was housebound for years and being able to go to a crowded store and shop on my own is a big deal. But I just wish I was normal and didn’t have to deal with this. It makes me feel so infantilized and a failure and a burden on my loved ones. I’m so frustrated that I’m not where I want to be in life- I’m improving but its going to take a lot of time, patience and a monumental amount of effort to get there.

I definetely need to learn how to be kinder to myself.