u/kinzygrace

It’s just so fucking unfair. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately because I’m having a horrible body image day (worse than usual) and I just want to throw myself a pity party. I had a mental breakdown this morning while getting ready because I’m just so fucking sick of being ugly.

I’m the only ugly woman in my family and it really sucks. It’s almost laughable how badly I lost the genetic lottery- I have a beautiful mother and a beautiful sister but I look nothing like them.

The reason why I’m ugly is because I look exactly like my father. I look like a man and I’m not even exaggerating when I say that my father and I basically have the same face- it was like he had gone into a lab and cloned himself because I inherited every single one of his facial features. His face shape, his eyes, his nose, his mouth, his jaw. I feel like if I had been born male, I’d be decent looking but nature decided to fuck me over and I was born female. My father’s features look horrible on a woman.

I know that this sounds horrible but I remember hating my dad when I was younger because I looked like him- it was because of all of the bullying, mockery and mistreatment I faced in my life because of the facial features he passed down to me. But as I got older I realized that I shouldn’t hate him- I really do love my father and I know for a fact that he’ll be the only man in my life that will ever love me. He just wanted to bring a child into the world to love and nurture.

My mom was recently cleaning out her closet and found a bin of old photos- most of them were taken around the time I was born so she asked if I wanted to look at them. I’m guessing that she thought I’d be interested in seeing my baby pictures, but the thing that caught my eye was how stunning my mother looked back then. She was 29 when she had me and I’m 32 now. She was already married and had two children by the time she was my age, and I’ve never even held hands with a man yet.

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I looked like my mother instead of my father.

I’m in my early 30’s and have never had a boyfriend. All throughout middle school, high school and college, guys treated me like I was disgusting and because of that, I’ve never even tried to date. I feel like if I show interest in men, it’ll be an insult to them and I’d destroy their self esteem because such an ugly ogre of a woman is interested in them. I’m not good enough or pretty enough to be a girlfriend or wife.

I really miss LO and I wish I wasn’t limerent for him so we could have made a friendship work. We had so much in common and we never ran out of things to talk about. I knew I did the right thing by going no contact and I feel like I’m mostly over my limerence now but I still feel that pang of sadness whenever I think about him. I wish he was still in my life because he genuinely was a good friend to me- I just developed feelings for him and it spiraled out of control from there. I really hope he’s doing well.

I haven’t had a full nights sleep in so long, my appetite and weight fluctuates drastically, I’m getting so many more grey hairs and have hair falling out due to the stress, stress headaches, the knots I constantly feel in my stomach and chest.

I know that this is due to limerence because I wasn’t like this before. I slept well, I had a normal appetite and steady weight, my hair wasn’t as thin and I didn’t have too many greys. The knot in my stomach has been there since things went downhill fast and ended with LO.

I hate that my brain and body are betraying me like this over a stupid boy.

A few days ago I went out to two stores with my mom- my safe person. Usually when I’m at a store I have to have her either right next to me or be within my field of vision so I don’t panic. This time I decided to push myself out of my comfort zone and browse the clothing racks on my own while my mom wandered around the store doing her own shopping.

Both stores were crowded that day and I successfully pushed through the panic both times and found some shirts that I liked, paid for them and left. This was the first time I was on my own in a store which is such a big breakthrough, my mom was even praising me and telling me how proud she was of me. But I couldn’t feel proud of myself. I still feel so ashamed and pathetic being a 32 year old woman and still needing my mom with me whenever I go out in public because of agoraphobia. I don’t feel like an actual adult because of this condition. But this breakthrough is a step closer to my goal of being independent.

I was housebound for years and being able to go to a crowded store and shop on my own is a big deal. But I just wish I was normal and didn’t have to deal with this. It makes me feel so infantilized and a failure and a burden on my loved ones. I’m so frustrated that I’m not where I want to be in life- I’m improving but is going to take a lot of time, patience and a monumental amount of effort to get there.

I definetely need to learn how to be kinder to myself.

I just wanted to share the massive amount of progress I made. I feel like this was a big milestone in my trich recovery journey- I finally have a full head of hair again.

Today I went out to run some errands and I wore my hair down for the first time in so many years. Whenever I went out in public, I always used to wear a hat or part my hair in a certain way to hide my bald patches. But this time I didn’t have any bald patches to cover up and it was such an amazing feeling. I haven’t had this much hair in so many years.

Lately I’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch and would appreciate having someone to talk to. Not looking to trauma dump, just looking for some friendly conversation. I have a habit of isolating myself when I’m not in the best headspace so I want to break out of that. I’m an introvert with social anxiety so it’s pretty difficult to connect with new people irl, so I thought that maybe Reddit was the next best thing.

A little bit about me: I’m a creative introvert who loves cats, arts & crafts, reading, video games, listening to music, and spooky things.

some random facts about me:

• I have 3 cats.
• my favorite crafting projects that I do are called diamond paintings- it’s basically a color by number but with small beads.
• I’ve always been interested in the paranormal ever since I was a child. I was that weird kid who would watch ghost documentaries on the Travel Channel every Saturday morning instead of watching cartoons. Ghosts, cryptids, anything wierd or strange is right up my alley. I’ve explored a few haunted places as well and have some paranormal experiences to share.
• My favorite book is It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini
• My favorite genres are alternative, indie, and synth pop. My favorite band/group is Purity Ring.
• My favorite video games are mostly cozy games, life sims, and puzzle games- Animal Crossing, Stardew Valley, the Sims, Life is Strange, Nancy Drew, Portal, etc.
• My all time favorite TV show is Bob’s Burgers.
• My top two favorite movies of all time are Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and Stand by Me
• I watch a lot of documentaries- mainly true crime, forensics, medical, survival stories, or really anything else that interests me.
• My favorite color is purple, and I’m one of those purple people that has almost everything in purple. If I buy something and it’s available in a shade of purple, I’m buying it.
• If I could eat one food for the rest of my life, it would be sushi. Any roll with tuna or eel in it is my go to.

if you’d like to chat, feel free to send me a message and we’ll see how things go! ❤️

I keep track on the ‘I Am Sober’ app and this is the longest I’ve ever gone- I’m feeling pretty proud of myself. All of LO’s social media accounts are private, so I used to compulsively check his girlfriend’s instagram/tiktok accounts to see if she posted any new pictures or videos of him. I would regret it each time but couldn’t stop.

I recently realized that the millisecond dopamine hit of seeing new pictures of LO just isn’t worth it when I know I’ll end up seeing something on his girlfriend’s profile that will hurt me and set me back. Still feeling like shit mentally, but here’s to progress!!

I honestly don’t know how I managed to make it 30 years living like this, being so invisible, isolated, ignored and alone. I’ve been starved of basic human connection for most of my life. I don’t fit in anywhere. I never have. I’m always that ugly, weird girl who no one wants to be around or interact with and it really fucking hurts. I thought I would have gotten used to it by now but it hasn’t gotten any easier.

I’ve pretty much lived my entire life through escapism. Anything to distract myself from the unbearable loneliness for a while. TV, movies, books, video games, daydreaming, arts and crafts. It used to help a lot but not anymore- the distractions aren’t working. It doesn’t fix my desire for social interaction, my need to connect with others. It’s like putting a bandaid over a bullet hole. It’s a deep, physical pain in my chest that never goes away. I can’t handle being this lonely and alone anymore. The only person that I talk to regularly is my therapist. I have no friends and I’m not close with any of my family- I have no one.

I’ve tried taking my therapist’s advice to meet new people- MeetUps and getting involved with the community but it’s always the same. Still ignored, still invisible, and when people do have to interact with me it never goes beyond surface level. I can tell that most people don’t want to talk to me and they go out of their way to avoid me. It’s humiliating putting myself out there time and time again but still getting the same results thinking that this time it’ll be different. It never is. I’m so close to giving up. I don’t know what else to do anymore.

My therapist is encouraging me to reach out to two of my acquaintances to hang out and I’m so anxious and can’t bring myself to do it yet.

I was in an Intensive Outpatient Program a few months ago and got along well with two other women there- we exchanged numbers on our last day of IOP and we’ve texted a bit back and forth a few times since then- all of which I initiated which I’m proud of myself for. But we haven’t hung out outside of IOP yet, and I really do want to see them again but my anxiety is holding me back.

There’s still that irrational voice in the back of my head saying, “They don’t like you, you’re annoying them, they’re only talking to you out of pity.” And thinking about all of the ways that our hang out might be awkward or go wrong. Because of my social anxiety, I’m still not fully comfortable around them and because of that, I’m also worried that my SM will come back when we hang out because of how anxious I’ll be.

But I know that it will be okay because one of my potential friends actually understands SM- her sister is a speech pathologist who works with kids with SM so she knew what it was when I opened up about SM in IOP.

I’m really trying to use what I learned in IOP to help get me through this- when we were learning about inner conflicts, ‘The Rational Thinker vs. The Emotional Feeler’ really stood out to me and it applies to what I’m going through now. ‘One part relies on logic and analysis- the other part is driven by emotions’.

Logically, I know that they like me because they probably wouldn’t have given me their numbers if they didn’t. Each time I texted them, they said they were happy to hear from me. But my stupid brain just won’t let me believe it, and I’m sure it’s because of past experiences that I’ve had. A lot of my past friendships have been one sided and I guess my brain is trying to protect me from more hurt. I really hope that I’ll get the courage to ask them to hang out soon and actually follow through with the plans.

I just wish this didn’t have to be so hard.

I can’t stop comparing myself to her and it makes me want to scream. I know that being jealous and bitter about it is a bad look on me, but I have to get this off my chest. She and I may as well live on different planets because our life experiences are so different. She’s privileged in every way with beauty, brains, great social skills. She won the genetic lottery in every way possible and I lost the genetic lottery in every way possible. It’s not fair.

I’m mostly jealous of her because she’s enjoying and making the most of her 20’s, getting to experience things that I’ll never experience. She has a bunch of friends and is loved by so many people, is well travelled, gets invited to parties and fun nights out, the man that she is in love with loves her back. He treats her like a princess.

I know that everyone has their struggles, but from an outside perspective, she has an amazing life. I can’t even fathom what it’s like. Being pretty. Having friends. Having a loving boyfriend. Just being loved and cared about. Being accepted. I can’t imagine. She has no idea how lucky she is.

She’ll never know what it’s like to be an outcast, a freak that no one wants to be around. Invisible. Ignored. Unwanted. Completely alone. That’s all I have been and ever will be.

Finding her social media accounts legitimately made me feel suicidal. Especially seeing the cute couple photos she posts on Instagram and the TikToks she makes of her and her boyfriend/my crush together. They’ve been together for over five years now and I know that eventually they’ll get engaged, married, and have a family. (Even if it isn’t with each other, they’ll still get to have those experiences since they aren’t FA.) All of those things that I’ll never experience because of the way my face looks and how my brain works.

The last time I looked at my crush’s social media pages, he was looking at engagement rings on Etsy so I know it’s coming. It’s been months since I’ve looked at either of their social media profiles but the damage is already done- I know too much and I’ve seen too much.

Meeting my crush was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. He was genuinely nice to me so of course I fell for him even though we have no chance of being together, he wouldn’t even want me if he was single. He’s my dream guy and we have so much in common. Interests, hobbies, music taste, world views.

Everything that gave me joy in life now triggers the hell out of me because it reminds me of him. I can’t enjoy my hobbies anymore or listen to my favorite music. I can’t go to my favorite places or indulge in my favorite forms of self care without being reminded of his girlfriend’s social media posts of them together. I’m always on the verge of having a complete mental breakdown. This sucks.