u/Ecstatic-Current8078

An old coworker told me that after I quit, the place fell apart. Nobody realized that I was doing like 3 different jobs and everyone was too burnt out to take any of these jobs on.

Managers had to step up and fill in, especially the one that was the biggest bully!

They have an additional manager now who nobody likes. He doesn’t fix anything, just adds on even more and pressures everyone to work faster.

I was never going to be happy to hear that everyone’s suffering, but I thought that at least knowing that the managers have to do my job/s would make me feel incredible.

Why do I feel so neutral?

An old coworker told me that after I quit, the place fell apart. Nobody realized that I was doing like 3 different jobs and everyone was too burnt out to take any of these jobs on.

Managers had to step up and fill in, especially the one that was the biggest bully!

They have an additional manager now who nobody likes. He doesn’t fix anything, just adds on even more and pressures everyone to work faster.

I was never going to be happy to hear that everyone’s suffering, but I thought that at least knowing that the managers have to do my job/s would make me feel incredible.

Why do I feel so neutral?

An old coworker told me that after I quit, the place fell apart. Nobody realized that I was doing like 3 different jobs and everyone was too burnt out to take any of these jobs on.

Managers had to step up and fill in, especially the one that was the biggest bully!

They have an additional manager now who nobody likes. He doesn’t fix anything, just adds on even more and pressures everyone to work faster.

I was never going to be happy to hear that everyone’s suffering, but I thought that at least knowing that the managers have to do my job/s would make me feel incredible.

Why do I feel so neutral?

It was a classic, toxic workplace.

Screaming boss, unaddressed sexual harassment, scapegoating, high school behavior from people twice your age, toxic office lady that bullied anyone younger than her, the works.

Now I’m in a much quieter place in my life, so sometimes I miss the place. I don’t miss the job itself, nor necessarily the people lol, more like the very few perks, fast pace (SOUNDS good when you’re in a slower stage of life), the familiarity of the place (wonder what it looks like now/if it’s still the same), and even the highs and lows (the trauma bonding). Sometimes, I want to visit.

How do you stop yourself? Is there a simple sentence you remember, one specific incident, or do you just walk yourself through the reality and decide not to? Help.

I’ve been a patron of the LGBT spaces near me (bars, clubs, weekly drag shows) for over 3 years. I spend so much that I found out I’m known for it by the bartenders. I tip the queens well (so many people unfortunately don’t), bring other queer people in, and I’ve been the life of the party too many times to count (mental health was in the drain, so I was partying it up to survive).

Yet every single time that I come (as a fem presenting bisexual), I get stared down by someone new. They think I’m lost.

When I don’t come for long periods of time and revisit, it’s even worse. I find out there are rumors about me from like 6 months ago. I’m the weird straight girl who makes random appearances. Even some of the staff seem to watch me closer.

I’m not even going to get into blatant biphobia I’ve experienced at said spaces (people telling me they’d never date someone bi and then attempting to hook up with me, hosts asking “who’s bi!?!” And then booing at us).

I try my best to recreate old nights, when everyone wanted to be my friend (for the night) because I was so funny and good as a wing woman. But I’m no longer that baby bi who will do anything for validation and practically kiss the ground that drag queens and queer elders walk on. I am too old for that. I just want to get in, have a drink, see some old friends, and keep it moving.

I’m mad because I realize now that it’ll never happen. LGBT spaces aren’t made with bisexuals in mind, especially fem presenting ones.

If so, what happened? If not, have you seen others visit? How was it?

I have a few:

1. Someone crying on my first week about being overworked and getting mad that I didn’t help them (as their job has nothing to do with mine).

2. I had a coworker who, instead of doing their job, performed rituals from other cultures when repeatedly being called out on their laziness.

3. An old boss who mocked anyone half their age for going out on the weekends, saying they need to grow up, all while (publicly) posting thirst traps and buying followers on social media.

4. Being closely monitored because I would spend my lunch breaks outside. I caught someone watching me through the camera.

5. Being stalked and reached out to for several years after quitting a job.

I have a few:

1. Someone crying on my first week about being overworked and getting mad that I didn’t help them (as their job has nothing to do with mine).

2. I had a coworker who, instead of doing their job, performed rituals from other cultures when repeatedly being called out on their laziness.

3. An old boss who mocked anyone half their age for going out on the weekends, saying they need to grow up, all while (publicly) posting thirst traps and buying followers on social media.

4. A manager who would take unscheduled smoke breaks with staff in the middle of very busy days.

5. Being stalked and reached out to for several years after quitting a job.

I can literally make up whole scenarios for why people do bad things and I’m quick to judge myself for judging others.

Yet when it comes to myself, I judge myself based on how I THINK people perceive/judge me.

I’m so tired of ruminating.

Have you ever had a weird feeling or a straight up sign (like an itching ear, a dropped stomach, etc) that stopped you from going somewhere or connecting with someone and then it turned out you were protected from something big? Whether it was physical or emotional damage.

I had a work “mentor” who was kind of the worst.

In a way, we got along because we had a lot in common (queer identities, hard working, introverted at work, similar sense of humor, for starters).

Nevertheless, she treated me like crap. I initially took her mean spirited jokes as just generational humor (she’s older) and even thought she sees me as a younger sibling. I didn’t mind her asking to do a little extra work, seeing as how she was above me, but she ended up offloading a lot of her work. It was a problem when I spoke up (I’ve since moved to another branch).

I know it sounds like I dodged a bullet, and I did, but sometimes I miss our more personal connection. Like when we’d talk about queer culture, bond over our taste in shows, sit around talking about nothing, or just sit together in silence. We spent so much time together, and yet I learned more on my way out, since I had to learn how to protect myself.

Anyone else dealing with this ironic dilemma? I need advice.

When I was a kid, I had this “frenemy.” We were close, but she was kind of my first bully because she was jealous of me. I reached stereotypical milestones first and got really into fitness at a young age and she didn’t like it. She’d body shame and slut shame me for simply having boyfriends in middle and high school. Needless to say, I eventually stopped being friends with her.

Fast forward to now (late 20s), after a long break from that friendship, we reconnected.

I think she feels bad about how she treated me because she’s constantly doing me favors and insisting she pays for things when we go out. It feels nice.

However, sometimes I see the jealousy still creeping in. The funny thing is I’m not a gym rat anymore and I have a more natural look now, but I still take pride in how I look so I dress in a way that suits my body and when I finally do my makeup, I go all out.

Whereas she just follows trends (even when they don’t suit her… just as a lot of trends wouldn’t suit me). So, it seems like every time we go out, she stares me down. She sometimes says “why do you do that???” (How I walk, fix my hair, carry my phone…) it’s like she thinks I’m doing everything as a way to call attention.

At first, I thought about just ending the friendship again. I don’t need someone micromanaging me and killing the vibe, so to speak. She doesn’t like it when I enjoy myself to music, how I like to have spontaneous trips, and she even critiques my sense of humor. However, a part of me loves her (known her for so long) and sees that she’s genuinely struggling. She’s not just judging me from a place of superiority. She’s judging me because she’s overall insecure. It makes me sad to see her so… closed off to the world? She’s very reserved and serious.

How do I break her out of her shell, or at least politely point her to trends that suit her?

They care about my health and safety and financial stability which I am eternally grateful for, but every time we have to spend a whole day together, I just feel like crying in the end.

At this point in my life, there is actually no more yelling or insults. We actually get along. But there is still never room for actual deep heart to heart conversations. They have no idea what’s going on with me internally. And they never will.

Share your success story. What motivated you?

I recently stopped drinking and lost almost 30 pounds (diet) for health reasons and suddenly I feel like glowing up.

I got back into fashion (wearing more expensive clothes that suit my body type), fragrance (I have scents for every occasion), hair care (no more frizz and more styling), and skin care (glass skin from using K Beauty for sensitive skin). I’ve also been doing my makeup in a way that suits my face shape and features more.

I know what I need to do in order to achieve full baddie mode - lose 20 more pounds through the same diet, get back to the gym (weight training again like I did when I was younger).

The problem, however, is that I don’t exactly have the motivation. I see so many baddies online, but I’m like, where are they going? Do they frequently travel? Go to local events? What is all that effort and maintenance for?

I know it’s like, “it’s for yourself,” but I have a hard time amping things up (like making the gym my weekly routine or getting my nails done monthly or considering changing my hair color, etc) if there is no clear purpose for it. I am trying to travel more, but it’s not like a monthly thing for me. I’m happily single, so I’m not motivated by impressing others. I’ve outgrown the clubs and have been to many local events. So, what is it for? I want to be inspired and look my best, but what should be my motivation?

I know that life doesn’t end at 30 lol but I’m just curious what kind of bucket lists people have and if you are over 30, are there any things you’re glad you did in your 20s or wish you did?

Edit: Thanks for the responses on travel! It’s funny cause I actually just started actually doing it, but I’m a roll!

I used to LOVE her pod, but eventually I started getting bored. It went from "let's bash terrible men!" And unhinged (in the best way) conversations surrounding gender to Drew just agreeing with whatever her guests say.

Every time I pop in and out of the pod, it's like there's this theme of "my first year was trash. My content was dumb. I'm doing better now." And I just don't like that. I LOVED the first year! I came for the boldness and drama. I liked the book too. Even though I heard most of what she wrote in her pods, it was nice. Now it's just a bunch of celebrities talking about random stuff and her agreeing with whatever they say.

Thoughts?

The older I get, the more women in my life marry and have children. As a result, I’m finding myself connecting more with men (on a platonic level).

It’s ironic because one of the many reasons I refuse to take a traditional path is because of the way that men are socialized (why would I enroll for double duty? Cook, clean, be the primary caregiver to kids, on top of prioritizing my career) and yet, they’re the ones who are in similar life stages at the same ages. I’m not sure how to feel about this.

Of course I meet women who don’t have husbands and kids, but they’re usually much younger.

As a woman, have you noticed the same ironic pull toward male friendships or have you found childfree circles where you connected with many other women?

The older I get, the more women in my life marry and have children. As a result, I’m finding myself connecting more with men (on a platonic level).

It’s ironic because one of the many reasons I refuse to take a traditional path is because of the way that men are socialized (why would I enroll for double duty? Cook, clean, be the primary caregiver to kids, on top of prioritizing my career) and yet, they’re the ones who are in similar life stages at the same ages. I’m not sure how to feel about this.

Of course I meet women who don’t have husbands and kids, but they’re usually much younger.

As a woman, have you noticed the same ironic pull toward male friendships or have you found childfree circles where you connected with many other women?

I am returning to school at 28 years old.

I am so grateful that I have only a few semesters left to earn my bachelor's, as it turns out that I already took most of the classes I needed after high school while earning my associate's degree.

I don't see anything shameful about coming back at any age; my dilemma is that I'm not sure where I'll fit in. I live a very independent life and now have a lot more free time. I'm single, childfree by choice, and I still like to go out and have fun. But the thought of going out with a much younger crowd makes me feel like a weird imposter.

What do people my age who are in a similar life stage typically do around (or off) campus?

Today I found an old prompted journal that I started in 2021.

It's fun and sweet to look back at my thoughts. I have a few pages left, so everything in me wants to finish it out (2021-2026 or 2027! Imagine that).

The problem is that the prompts feel outdated. I won't get into the details of what kind of journal it is, but it is educational, and let's just say I've learned a ton more about the topic by now, so the questions feel very redundant. The topic is heavy, so I answered the question in one sentence, then moved on to my big news! (Wanting to capture good news in this time capsule of a journal). It's my personal book, yet it felt almost disrespectful. Like, here I am brushing off a serious topic to share something superficial.

It made me pause and ponder how I've simply outgrown the conversation. I still identify with the material, but I'm no longer fascinated by it to the extent that I was. I wouldn't be jumping for joy to discuss it with someone in person anymore, and, imagining meeting someone who is excited, I'd probably come off as disrespectful.

Applying it further in my day-to-day life, I've come to realize that I feel this way about many things (places, groups, etc.). I'm no longer bright-eyed about a lot of things that I was even a few years ago, and maybe, just maybe, that is okay. I don't have to force myself to finish something or to keep entering certain settings just to be annoyed. I don't have to listen to someone who's very excited just to sort of quietly nod or accidentally correct them.

I am excited about the other things that people in my new age group are excited about. Maybe it's time to leave old places behind, even if they can still spark a little bit of magic for a moment. Basically, what I'm learning for myself is that there's no need to hang on to places that feel boring, dead, or small. It's not that I'm too good; I just deserve to feel inspired and happy through new experiences, venues, cities, towns, and communities.