u/Nmp381992

I remember the day we met.
I remember how easy it was
to fall for you
 
under the moon,
the stars,
and the influence.
 
It was a five-star recipe
for a beautiful disaster.
 
How is it that you are just like me,
but only in the ways
that are dangerous to us?

I had something in my hands.
 
that something
turned out to be nothing at all.
 
I am torn apart like the leaves
from the trees in the fall.
 
I cannot trust what I have
or what I’ve seen,
 
when it seems like my head
is playing games with me.  

Your affection; it doesn’t
have to be my reason to breathe.
 
It wouldn’t save my life,
It would be better than the solitude
that I’ve gotten used to.

Clouds like mountains
Hovering over the horizon.
 
White and grey chasms of fluff
Drifting high in the blue zone.
 
Pillows of possibilities
 
of precipitation.

I didn’t ask to be this way,
always looking past the task of the day.

My problems build up so fast
when I need them to go away.
 
These issues were built to last.
 
My solutions are expiring,
while anxiety has me dripping with fear.
 
Dissociation is how I learned
to deal with the way I feel.

The only thing clear is
I don’t know what’s real.
 
I wear my depression with a smile
to be sure your inspection
won’t raise any questions.
 
I’m not in denial
that it’s been here a while
like a fashion trend that has never been in style.
 
Anything that feels like it helps
is bad for my health,
 
and probably closer to
killing myself.

during August is something else.
 
The air is moist enough to turn into sweat on your skin
and heavy enough to make a trip to the car feel like a marathon.
 
The humidity can turn a mild temperature of a late summer day in Johnston
into Lucifer’s fireplace on the coldest day in Hell. 
 
Can you predict a flood in a flash while taking
a ride through Atwood ave beneath the rte 6 bridge?
 
I’ve been here my entiyah life,
and I still haven’t been able to.
 
So I recommend investing in an inflatable boat to keep with you,
at least that way you may be able to paddle home
when your Sedan gets submerged,
then dies.
 
Rhode Island has over 400 miles of coastline.
So, from time to time, you may think it’s a good idea to
take a nice low-key trip to Narragansett
or maybe Jamestown to lay in the sun
and “cool off” with the seaweed and the shahks.
 
When you get theah the sand is hot as fuck,
theah is like a bigilloin people taking up every square inch,
 then some kid gets lost (probably looking for coffee milk)
and they pull everyone out of the water.
So much for cooling off.
 
When you finally had enough you get to take a trip
to Rhode Island’s national fucking pahking lot Route fouah,
wheah people are too busy stuffing their faces
with Iggy’s chowdah to use their damn blinkah.
 
(unless you live theah)
 
Rhode Island is 48 miles north to south and 37 miles east to west.
So, if you do your mathing correct having to drive
20 miles in any direction is wicked friggen fah.

Locked inside my house sitting on a couch
with a television that won’t shut off,
continuously droning on.
 
The blue light washes away
everything that I’ve ever known.
 
The screen is watching
as my life keeps passing by.
 
Commercials breaking into
the space that I hide.
 
Actors always know just what to say,
becoming the voices inside my head.
 
I hate the news because
now I’m scared to leave my house.
 
My life is not a movie,
so why do you want to watch me die?

Locked inside my house sitting on a couch
with a television that won’t shut off,
continuously droning on.
 
The blue light washes away
everything that I’ve ever known.
 
The screen is watching
as my life keeps passing by.
 
Commercials breaking into
the space that I hide.
 
Actors always know just what to say,
becoming the voices inside my head.
 
I hate the news because
now I’m scared to leave my house.
 
My life is not a movie,
so why do you want to watch me die?

at quarter past 12 in the rain.
 
The sound trapped in the downpour
So, if my echo doesn’t hear me
then why would you?
 
I heard you calling my name
at quarter past 12 in the rain.
 
Followed by an echo
of something I once begged for
trapped in the downpour.
 
If you couldn’t hear me then
why would you now?

wasn’t me being unhappy.
 
it was knowing
how much it hurt you

having to watch me unravel,
knowing you couldn’t save me.

I can see you trying so damn hard,
 
but you’re in the same place
you were at the start.
 
You just need some focus.

You’re everywhere but
where you’re supposed to be.
 
You’re not as hopeless
as you think you are.
 
Running in circles
will never bring you far.
 
You need some focus.

You’re nowhere close to
where you want to be.
 
You deserve to get there soon.
Though I don’t know if you will,

because you keep doing
the same shit every day.
 
You need focus.

God, get it together.

I wake up in the morning
with a head full of rocks.
 
Late again.
When am I going to learn
to wake up to the alarm?
 
I brush my teeth,
take a Ritalin,
feed my cats,
then I’m out the door.
 
I’m off to work,
but I just want to get high.
 
I want to roll up some weed.
I got a half ounce, some papers
and I want to roll a big old joint.
 
I don’t mind sharing so
I think we should blow this joint,
and you can smoke weed with me.
 
I don’t want to go to work,
I don’t want to go to school.
 
I just want to make
my head feel alright.  

Can you give back
what you took from me?
 
I know you can’t but I just…
 
but I just wanted to see
what you would say.
 
How could you even
look at me in the face?
 
When you took the only thing
I wasn’t willing to give.
 
How dare you
make me feel this way.
 
You said you’d be there
when things got hard.
 
Now that they are
you are nowhere to be found.
 
The joke’s on me for believing
anything that you told me.

I’m a ghost writing so you can see the world
through the eyes of an abstract thinker.
 
Efficiently unconventional and apparently oblivious
is how you may perceive me, but you can keep
your opinions to yourself. No one asked.
 
I am a ghost writing with ink
made from my soul.
 
I am a broken catalyst who feels
like I have nothing left,
 
but still won’t quit as long as
that thing keeps beating inside
that hole in my chest.

I close my eyes to see people
I lost coming back.
 
I will never trust REM again.
 
It’s so cruel for you to show your faces
after all your voices faded away.
 
What have I done for you to visit me
in my sleep, my distant friends?  

Every day
another bill
I have to pay.
 
I need a break,
but the debt
accumulates.
 
I go to work every day
to get paid a check,
that is gone
in a day.
 
I got a life to live,
mouths to feed.
 
These wars—
they fucking suck.
 
Got a car
need some gas,
but the cost
is rising fast.
 
Got a home
that I pay for
all alone.
 
It eats me up
this kind of life,
it fucking sucks.

in a way I did not know.
 
At a time when I hoped to die,
and I remember you sayin’
that you’d stay a while.

Then I watched you
walk out the door.
 
I promised myself not to ask,
but shit, I gotta know…
why did you have to go?
 
You left me here to face
this catastrophic dream
on my own.
 
Here I am again,
in my self-destructive ways.
 
When I look in the mirror,
there’s a stranger staring
back at me.
 
Now disappointment
is all I see in me.  

they hung me from a tree,
i watched you leave. 
 
the oak has strong branches,
and you couldn’t even look at me.
 
i thought you liked
the colors of the leaves. 
 
you were my favorite sentence. 
 
i felt the fray in the rope.
i felt a snap.
 
i know it’s been a while
since we had any hope…  

that you were ever there?
 
How could you lie like that?
I can’t figure you out.
 
You said you would
catch me if I fell,

then watched me
hit the ground.
 
Now I’ve been pacing
around my house
for days and days.
 
You said you loved me.

Why would you say
something like that,
 
to somebody like me?
 
Why did I believe it?