u/Salty_Challenge5563

I’ve used a Pendulum for over a decade and oftentimes it’s been correct (I’ve even channeled a ghost in a friend’s home and he verified where he was killed, I’d never even heard of the place and lo and behold, it was all true!) But other times it’s been embarrassingly wrong (simply asking where my keys are and it says under the bed when they’re outside, or when I thought I channeled my friend’s mother’s spirit and it said to do something special with her ashes - but it turned out her mother was buried!) I’m curious if others have had luck using one of a particular material like shungite which would block trickster spirits from entering? Before using one I always say a prayer, picture myself in white light, etc.

Thank you!

I’ve used a Pendulum for over a decade and oftentimes it’s been correct (I’ve even channeled a ghost in a friend’s home and he verified where he was killed, I’d never even heard of the place and lo and behold, it was all true!) But other times it’s been embarrassingly wrong (simply asking where my keys are and it says under the bed when they’re outside, or when I thought I channeled my friend’s mother’s spirit and it said to do something special with her ashes - but it turned out her mother was buried!) I’m curious if others have had luck using one of a particular material like shungite which would block trickster spirits from entering? Before using one I always say a prayer, picture myself in white light, etc.

Thank you!

I’ve used a Pendulum for over a decade and oftentimes it’s been correct (I’ve even channeled a ghost in a friend’s home and he verified where he was killed, I’d never even heard of the place and lo and behold, it was all true!) But other times it’s been embarrassingly wrong (simply asking where my keys are and it says under the bed when they’re outside, or when I thought I channeled my friend’s mother’s spirit and it said to do something special with her ashes - but it turned out her mother was buried!) I’m curious if others have had luck using one of a particular material like shungite which would block trickster spirits from entering? Before using one I always say a prayer, picture myself in white light, etc.

Thank you!

I only experience BPD abandonment intensity and toxicity in the context of romantic relationships. I was told I might have quiet BPD (but definitely CPTSD.) For the most part of 13 years I was single and just coming out of a whirlwind few month relationship with a man who I’m pretty sure is BPD and Cptsd too; both our childhood traumas were brutal.

It’s very weird for me because I feel almost normal when I’m not in a relationship (still have identity issues which shows through jumping from country to country and job to job - switching entire industries and not having stable income.) But none of my friends would realise I have BPD. But in the relationship the fear, abandonment trauma etc came out like a dormant volcano. And the most impactful thing was seeing this man’s anger, criticism, intolerance, withdrawal/avoidance, temper and defensiveness when triggered, and realising that I actually have that all within me but just unexpressed. It comes out in little more passive ways on a day to day basis.

Examples of this are getting annoyed with cultural Italian things, expressing my passive aggressiveness on sociological aspects - but because I keep moving everywhere I just channel it through the culture such as when I lived in Australia I hated how I felt the men were so lazy and lacked accountability - which most women would say is true BUT I turned it into a tyrannical sociological discourse, and similarly when I lived in Barcelona and hated how the local women were so harshly masculine in their energy which made the men have a weak and passive energy - and I channeled my anger through that - more societal things.

So through the relationship I realised all of the toxic traits in him that I mentioned, I have within me too and haven’t actively seen it or worked through it.

Anyway, my question is, because I can only witness this inside the context of a relationship, and then I feel pretty much normal again after it ends, how do I pragmatically “remember” and stay with the lessons so I can actively work through them? It’s almost like I go back to reset after it’s done, and I’m afraid of having the memory erased again. I’ve gone to therapists when I was single and totally “forgot” about the fact I ever felt anger, rage, contempt, criticism in the context of a relationship or society. I think also because I intellectualise everything which doesn’t help.

Does anyone else know what I’m talking about? I don’t even know if this is a BPD or CPTSD thing…

Thank you 🙏

Feel free to skip to the very end if you’d like to answer the question with any background** **☺️

A couple of months ago I got into a relationship with a man in France. We don’t even speak the same language, which I know probably sounds crazy. But right from the beginning we were both incredibly patient. We used ChatGPT to communicate, and because it’s so fast it actually worked surprisingly well. Later on I even bought high-quality translation earbuds so we could have much more natural conversations. Somehow, despite the language barrier, we built a really deep connection.

When I first saw his photos, I honestly remember thinking, “Wow.” I didn’t get any sense of trauma. He just seemed like a normal, stable, single dad who genuinely wanted a relationship. I remember thinking, finally.

We matched, had a couple of amazing dates in France, and then I flew back to where I live in Italy. He told me he wanted to see me again, so he drove 12 hours to spend a week with me. I was honestly blown away by the effort.

That week was incredible. No heaviness, no criticism, no negativity. Everything just felt easy. I genuinely thought, “Have I met the one?” He even told me he’d never felt emotions like this before, not even in his 17-year relationship with the mother of his children.

When that week ended, he asked when I’d be able to come back to France. I wasn’t working at the time, so instead of flying back and forth I drove back with him from Milan to Bordeaux and stayed there for about two months.

On the drive, he opened up about his childhood in a way that was incredibly vulnerable. He told me about a lot of really intense trauma, particularly involving his father. He described growing up around intense anger, feeling unsafe, and feeling like his mother hadn’t done enough to leave his father and protect them. It gave me so much empathy for him.

He had his kids one week on, one week off. On the weeks he didn’t have them, I’d stay at his house. On the weeks he did, I’d organise pet sits or Home Exchanges nearby so we could keep building the relationship. He’d recently been made redundant and said he couldn’t really help with flights back and forth, so I thought this was the best solution because I didn’t want to eventually become resentful about always paying the travel costs.

Quite early on he introduced me to his children because they were going to a motorsport event I’d always dreamed of seeing. He knew it was early but said he felt that strongly about me.

As I got to know him better, he became very open about his finances. He told me that after the month he’d come to Italy to see me, he’d spent so much money that he had to borrow from his mother to get through the following month.

He also admitted he wasn’t very good with money and wasn’t organised. I remember asking him what his favourite quality in a woman was, and the very first thing he said was, “Organisation,” because, in his words, he wasn’t organised at all. Then he went on to talk about more feminine qualities.

Looking back, I think that’s when I slowly stepped into doing more and more of the planning. I was organising the pet sits, Home Exchanges, transport and logistics so we could keep seeing each other. I felt like I had to keep everything moving.

Then things started changing.

As life became more stressful, I started noticing more criticism, more defensiveness and what felt like growing resentment towards me. I also started noticing double standards. If he became upset, that was understandable. If I became upset after something he’d done, I often felt like I was criticised for my reaction instead of him trying to understand what had hurt me.

For a long time I kept questioning myself. I kept thinking, “How much of this is actually him, and how much of this is just French culture?”

From what French people had actually told me directly, French culture tends to be very comfortable with conflict. They told me people tend to be very critical because it’s seen as a sign of intelligence. They also described there being a certain heaviness and sadness in the culture, and that it’s kind of the opposite of American culture in that sense.

So I kept thinking, “Okay, Chelsea, just adapt.” I’ve had to adapt my whole life. I moved constantly growing up with my mother, who had BPD, so adapting became second nature to me. There are so many things I genuinely love about French culture, so I kept trying to understand it and wondering whether I simply needed to adapt better.

But over time it became harder and harder to tell where cultural differences ended and where unhealthy relationship dynamics began.

Sometimes it was little comments around the house. The criticism slowly became more frequent, and I found myself second-guessing everything I said and did, trying harder and harder not to upset him.

One example was when we went to a bar one evening. We’d been having a really lovely time, and then for some reason he started talking to the male bartender. For about 15 or 20 minutes he was completely turned away from me. He didn’t even turn around once to acknowledge I was there.

It felt really strange. I didn’t want to tap him on the shoulder because I was worried he’d say something like, “What? There’s no problem,” and I’d just embarrass myself. So I quietly walked away.

When he eventually came looking for me, I was really upset. I asked why he’d done that, and I think he felt criticised by the question. He immediately stormed out of the bar and walked towards the tram stop saying, “It’s over. It’s over. We tried, but we’re obviously not compatible.”

He wasn’t screaming, but he was saying it loudly and intensely enough that a woman nearby got onto the tram with us and kept watching what was happening. I could tell she seemed concerned.

I felt completely humiliated and scared, and my abandonment trauma switched on instantly.

I was diagnosed years ago with complex PTSD from my childhood. From what he shared with me, I suspect he’s carrying significant childhood trauma too, although obviously I can’t diagnose him. If I had to describe our attachment styles, I’d say mine is disorganised and his seems quite avoidant.

My question is specifically about the sexual side of all this.

Even when things became really painful, even when I was crying, feeling criticised, feeling abandoned and constantly activated, I still had this incredibly deep pull towards him sexually.

Not just wanting sex, but this overwhelming desire to be close to him physically, to pleasure him, to reconnect through sex. It almost felt like some part of me believed that if we were physically close again, everything would somehow be okay.

I’ve never experienced anything that intense before.

Logically I could see things weren’t healthy anymore, but emotionally and physically I still felt magnetised towards him.

Around six weeks in, he said maybe we shouldn’t have sex quite as much so we could focus more on the emotional connection. I found that confusing because it happened after the criticism, resentment and defensiveness had already started to appear.

Why?

What is happening psychologically?

Is it attachment? Trauma? My nervous system trying to reconnect? Intermittent reinforcement? Something else?

I feel like if I can understand what was happening psychologically, it’ll help me finally let go instead of feeling so confused about why the sexual attraction stayed so incredibly strong even while the relationship itself became so painful.

For context, about two weeks ago I told him I thought we needed to take a break. I recently wrote him a letter saying that if we were ever going to consider trying again, he’d need to go back to therapy (he used to do EMDR but stopped because he couldn’t afford it), and we’d also need a much more balanced relationship. I couldn’t keep being the one constantly figuring out how we could see each other while he mainly stayed where he was.

I’m not really looking for relationship advice. I’m genuinely trying to understand the psychology behind why the sexual pull stayed so unbelievably strong, even when I no longer felt emotionally safe.

Below is the background, so if you would like to skip to the main question, scroll to the last bit ☺️

A couple of months ago I got into a relationship with a man in France. We don’t even speak the same language, which I know probably sounds crazy. But right from the start we were both incredibly patient. We used AI software to communicate, and because it’s so fast it actually worked surprisingly well. Later on I even bought high-quality translation earbuds so we could have much more natural conversations. Somehow, despite the language barrier, we built a really deep connection.

When I first saw his photos, I honestly remember thinking, “Wow.” I didn’t get any sense of trauma. He just seemed like a normal, stable, single dad who genuinely wanted a relationship. I remember thinking, finally.

We matched, had a couple of amazing dates in France, and then I flew back to where I live in Italy. He told me he wanted to see me again, so he drove 12 hours to spend a week with me. I was honestly blown away by the effort.

That week was incredible. No heaviness, no criticism, no negativity. Everything just felt easy. I genuinely thought, “Have I met the one?” He even told me he’d never felt emotions like this before, not even in his 17-year relationship with the mother of his children.

When that week ended, he asked when I’d be able to come back to France. I wasn’t working at the time, so instead of flying back and forth I drove back with him from Milan to Bordeaux and stayed there for about two months.

On the drive, he opened up about his childhood in a way that was incredibly vulnerable. He told me about a lot of really intense trauma, particularly involving his father. He described growing up around intense anger, feeling unsafe, and feeling like his mother hadn’t done enough to leave his father and protect them. It gave me so much empathy for him.

He had his kids one week on, one week off. On the weeks he didn’t have them, I’d stay at his house. On the weeks he did, I’d organise pet sits or Home Exchanges nearby so we could keep building the relationship. He’d recently been made redundant and said he couldn’t really help with flights back and forth, so I thought this was the best solution because I didn’t want to eventually become resentful about always paying the travel costs.

Quite early on he introduced me to his children because they were going to a motorsport event I’d always dreamed of seeing. He knew it was early but said he felt that strongly about me.

As I got to know him better, he became very open about his finances. He told me that after the month he’d come to Italy to see me, he’d spent so much money that he had to borrow from his mother to get through the following month.

He also admitted he wasn’t very good with money and wasn’t organised. I remember asking him what his favourite quality in a woman was, and the very first thing he said was, “Organisation,” because, in his words, he wasn’t organised at all. Then he went on to talk about more feminine qualities.

Looking back, I think that’s when I slowly stepped into doing more and more of the planning. I was organising the pet sits, Home Exchanges, transport and logistics so we could keep seeing each other. I felt like I had to keep everything moving.

Then things started changing.

As life became more stressful, I started noticing more criticism, more defensiveness and what felt like growing resentment towards me. I also started noticing double standards. If he became upset, that was understandable. If I became upset after something he’d done, I often felt like I was criticised for my reaction instead of him trying to understand what had hurt me.

For a long time I kept questioning myself. I kept thinking, “How much of this is actually him, and how much of this is just French culture?”

From what French people had actually told me directly, French culture tends to be very comfortable with conflict. They told me people tend to be very critical because it’s seen as a sign of intelligence. They also described there being a certain heaviness and sadness in the culture, and that it’s kind of the opposite of American culture in that sense.

So I kept thinking, “Okay, Chelsea, just adapt.” I’ve had to adapt my whole life. I moved constantly growing up with my mother, who had BPD, so adapting became second nature to me. There are so many things I genuinely love about French culture, so I kept trying to understand it and wondering whether I simply needed to adapt better.

But over time it became harder and harder to tell where cultural differences ended and where unhealthy relationship dynamics began.

Sometimes it was little comments around the house. The criticism slowly became more frequent, and I found myself second-guessing everything I said and did, trying harder and harder not to upset him.

One example was when we went to a bar one evening. We’d been having a really lovely time, and then for some reason he started talking to the male bartender. For about 15 or 20 minutes he was completely turned away from me. He didn’t even turn around once to acknowledge I was there.

It felt really strange. I didn’t want to tap him on the shoulder because I was worried he’d say something like, “What? There’s no problem,” and I’d just embarrass myself. So I quietly walked away.

When he eventually came looking for me, I was really upset. I asked why he’d done that, and I think he felt criticised by the question. He immediately stormed out of the bar and walked towards the tram stop saying, “It’s over. It’s over. We tried, but we’re obviously not compatible.”

He wasn’t screaming, but he was saying it loudly and intensely enough that a woman nearby got onto the tram with us and kept watching what was happening. I could tell she seemed concerned.

I felt completely humiliated and scared, and my abandonment trauma switched on instantly.

I was diagnosed years ago with complex PTSD from my childhood. From what he shared with me, I suspect he’s carrying significant childhood trauma too, although obviously I can’t diagnose him. If I had to describe our attachment styles, I’d say mine is disorganised and his seems quite avoidant.

My question is specifically about the sexual side of all this.

Even when things became really painful, even when I was crying, feeling criticised, feeling abandoned and constantly activated, I still had this incredibly deep pull towards him sexually.

Not just wanting sex, but this overwhelming desire to be close to him physically, to pleasure him, to reconnect through sex. It almost felt like some part of me believed that if we were physically close again, everything would somehow be okay.

I’ve never experienced anything that intense before.

Logically I could see things weren’t healthy anymore, but emotionally and physically I still felt magnetised towards him.

Around six weeks in, he said maybe we shouldn’t have sex quite as much so we could focus more on the emotional connection. I found that confusing because it happened after the criticism, resentment and defensiveness had already started to appear.

Why?

What is happening psychologically?

Is it attachment? Trauma? My nervous system trying to reconnect? Intermittent reinforcement? Something else?

I feel like if I can understand what was happening psychologically, it’ll help me finally let go instead of feeling so confused about why the sexual attraction stayed so incredibly strong even while the relationship itself became so painful.

For context, about two weeks ago I told him I thought we needed to take a break. I recently wrote him a letter saying that if we were ever going to consider trying again, he’d need to go back to therapy (he used to do EMDR but stopped because he couldn’t afford it), and we’d also need a much more balanced relationship. I couldn’t keep being the one constantly figuring out how we could see each other while he mainly stayed where he was.

I’m not really looking for relationship advice. I’m genuinely trying to understand the psychology behind why the sexual pull stayed so unbelievably strong, even when I no longer felt emotionally safe.

From a psychology perspective, what is it about two people with significant childhood trauma getting into a relationship that can make the sexual side of it feel so unbelievably intoxicating?

A couple of months ago I got into a relationship with a man in France. We don’t even speak the same language, which I know probably sounds crazy. But right from the beginning we were both incredibly patient. We used ChatGPT to communicate, and because it’s so fast it actually worked surprisingly well. Later on I even bought high-quality translation earbuds so we could have much more natural conversations. Somehow, despite the language barrier, we built a really deep connection.

When I first saw his photos, I honestly remember thinking, “Wow.” I didn’t get any sense of trauma. He just seemed like a normal, stable, single dad who genuinely wanted a relationship. I remember thinking, finally.

We matched, had a couple of amazing dates in France, and then I flew back to where I live in Italy. He told me he wanted to see me again, so he drove 12 hours to spend a week with me. I was honestly blown away by the effort.

That week was incredible. No heaviness, no criticism, no negativity. Everything just felt easy. I genuinely thought, “Have I met the one?” He even told me he’d never felt emotions like this before, not even in his 17-year relationship with the mother of his children.

When that week ended, he asked when I’d be able to come back to France. I wasn’t working at the time, so instead of flying back and forth I drove back with him from Milan to Bordeaux and stayed there for about two months.

On the drive, he opened up about his childhood in a way that was incredibly vulnerable. He told me about a lot of really intense trauma, particularly involving his father. He described growing up around intense anger, feeling unsafe, and feeling like his mother hadn’t done enough to leave his father and protect them. It gave me so much empathy for him.

He had his kids one week on, one week off. On the weeks he didn’t have them, I’d stay at his house. On the weeks he did, I’d organise pet sits or Home Exchanges nearby so we could keep building the relationship. He’d recently been made redundant and said he couldn’t really help with flights back and forth, so I thought this was the best solution because I didn’t want to eventually become resentful about always paying the travel costs.

Quite early on he introduced me to his children because they were going to a motorsport event I’d always dreamed of seeing. He knew it was early but said he felt that strongly about me.

As I got to know him better, he became very open about his finances. He told me that after the month he’d come to Italy to see me, he’d spent so much money that he had to borrow from his mother to get through the following month.

He also admitted he wasn’t very good with money and wasn’t organised. I remember asking him what his favourite quality in a woman was, and the very first thing he said was, “Organisation,” because, in his words, he wasn’t organised at all. Then he went on to talk about more feminine qualities.

Looking back, I think that’s when I slowly stepped into doing more and more of the planning. I was organising the pet sits, Home Exchanges, transport and logistics so we could keep seeing each other. I felt like I had to keep everything moving.

Then things started changing.

As life became more stressful, I started noticing more criticism, more defensiveness and what felt like growing resentment towards me. I also started noticing double standards. If he became upset, that was understandable. If I became upset after something he’d done, I often felt like I was criticised for my reaction instead of him trying to understand what had hurt me.

For a long time I kept questioning myself. I kept thinking, “How much of this is actually him, and how much of this is just French culture?”

From what French people had actually told me directly, French culture tends to be very comfortable with conflict. They told me people tend to be very critical because it’s seen as a sign of intelligence. They also described there being a certain heaviness and sadness in the culture, and that it’s kind of the opposite of American culture in that sense.

So I kept thinking, “Okay, Chelsea, just adapt.” I’ve had to adapt my whole life. I moved constantly growing up with my mother, who had BPD, so adapting became second nature to me. There are so many things I genuinely love about French culture, so I kept trying to understand it and wondering whether I simply needed to adapt better.

But over time it became harder and harder to tell where cultural differences ended and where unhealthy relationship dynamics began.

Sometimes it was little comments around the house. The criticism slowly became more frequent, and I found myself second-guessing everything I said and did, trying harder and harder not to upset him.

One example was when we went to a bar one evening. We’d been having a really lovely time, and then for some reason he started talking to the male bartender. For about 15 or 20 minutes he was completely turned away from me. He didn’t even turn around once to acknowledge I was there.

It felt really strange. I didn’t want to tap him on the shoulder because I was worried he’d say something like, “What? There’s no problem,” and I’d just embarrass myself. So I quietly walked away.

When he eventually came looking for me, I was really upset. I asked why he’d done that, and I think he felt criticised by the question. He immediately stormed out of the bar and walked towards the tram stop saying, “It’s over. It’s over. We tried, but we’re obviously not compatible.”

He wasn’t screaming, but he was saying it loudly and intensely enough that a woman nearby got onto the tram with us and kept watching what was happening. I could tell she seemed concerned.

I felt completely humiliated and scared, and my abandonment trauma switched on instantly.

I was diagnosed years ago with complex PTSD from my childhood. From what he shared with me, I suspect he’s carrying significant childhood trauma too, although obviously I can’t diagnose him. If I had to describe our attachment styles, I’d say mine is disorganised and his seems quite avoidant.

My question is specifically about the sexual side of all this.

Even when things became really painful, even when I was crying, feeling criticised, feeling abandoned and constantly activated, I still had this incredibly deep pull towards him sexually.

Not just wanting sex, but this overwhelming desire to be close to him physically, to pleasure him, to reconnect through sex. It almost felt like some part of me believed that if we were physically close again, everything would somehow be okay.

I’ve never experienced anything that intense before.

Logically I could see things weren’t healthy anymore, but emotionally and physically I still felt magnetised towards him. After 6 weeks, he went on to say maybe we shouldn’t have sex quite as much so we can focus a little more on the emotional connection (which I thought was strange as this was after the point his resentment, criticism, etc started coming out.)

Why?

What is happening psychologically?

Is it attachment? Trauma? My nervous system trying to reconnect? Intermittent reinforcement? Something else?

I feel like if I can understand what’s happening psychologically, it’ll help me finally let go instead of feeling so confused about why the sexual attraction stayed so incredibly strong even while the relationship itself became so painful.

For context, about two weeks ago I told him I thought we needed to take a break. I recently wrote him a letter saying that if we were ever going to consider trying again, he’d need to go back to therapy (he used to do EMDR but stopped because he couldn’t afford it), and we’d also need a much more balanced relationship. I couldn’t keep being the one constantly figuring out how we could see each other while he mainly stayed where he was.

I’m not really looking for relationship advice. I’m genuinely trying to understand the psychology behind why the sexual pull stayed so unbelievably strong, even when I no longer felt emotionally safe.

From a psychology perspective, what is it about two people with significant childhood trauma getting into a relationship that can make the sexual side of it feel so unbelievably intoxicating?

A couple of months ago I got into a relationship with a man in France. We don’t even speak the same language, which I know probably sounds crazy. But right from the beginning we were both incredibly patient. We used ChatGPT to communicate, and because it’s so fast it actually worked surprisingly well. Later on I even bought high-quality translation earbuds so we could have much more natural conversations. Somehow, despite the language barrier, we built a really deep connection.

When I first saw his photos, I honestly remember thinking, “Wow.” I didn’t get any sense of trauma. He just seemed like a normal, stable, single dad who genuinely wanted a relationship. I remember thinking, finally.

We matched, had a couple of amazing dates in France, and then I flew back to where I live in Italy. He told me he wanted to see me again, so he drove 12 hours to spend a week with me. I was honestly blown away by the effort.

That week was incredible. No heaviness, no criticism, no negativity. Everything just felt easy. I genuinely thought, “Have I met the one?” He even told me he’d never felt emotions like this before, not even in his 17-year relationship with the mother of his children.

When that week ended, he asked when I’d be able to come back to France. I wasn’t working at the time, so instead of flying back and forth I drove back with him from Milan to Bordeaux and stayed there for about two months.

On the drive, he opened up about his childhood in a way that was incredibly vulnerable. He told me about a lot of really intense trauma, particularly involving his father. He described growing up around intense anger, feeling unsafe, and feeling like his mother hadn’t done enough to leave his father and protect them. It gave me so much empathy for him.

He had his kids one week on, one week off. On the weeks he didn’t have them, I’d stay at his house. On the weeks he did, I’d organise pet sits or Home Exchanges nearby so we could keep building the relationship. He’d recently been made redundant and said he couldn’t really help with flights back and forth, so I thought this was the best solution because I didn’t want to eventually become resentful about always paying the travel costs.

Quite early on he introduced me to his children because they were going to a motorsport event I’d always dreamed of seeing. He knew it was early but said he felt that strongly about me.

As I got to know him better, he became very open about his finances. He told me that after the month he’d come to Italy to see me, he’d spent so much money that he had to borrow from his mother to get through the following month.

He also admitted he wasn’t very good with money and wasn’t organised. I remember asking him what his favourite quality in a woman was, and the very first thing he said was, “Organisation,” because, in his words, he wasn’t organised at all. Then he went on to talk about more feminine qualities.

Looking back, I think that’s when I slowly stepped into doing more and more of the planning. I was organising the pet sits, Home Exchanges, transport and logistics so we could keep seeing each other. I felt like I had to keep everything moving.

Then things started changing.

As life became more stressful, I started noticing more criticism, more defensiveness and what felt like growing resentment towards me. I also started noticing double standards. If he became upset, that was understandable. If I became upset after something he’d done, I often felt like I was criticised for my reaction instead of him trying to understand what had hurt me.

For a long time I kept questioning myself. I kept thinking, “How much of this is actually him, and how much of this is just French culture?”

From what French people had actually told me directly, French culture tends to be very comfortable with conflict. They told me people tend to be very critical because it’s seen as a sign of intelligence. They also described there being a certain heaviness and sadness in the culture, and that it’s kind of the opposite of American culture in that sense.

So I kept thinking, “Okay, Chelsea, just adapt.” I’ve had to adapt my whole life. I moved constantly growing up with my mother, who had BPD, so adapting became second nature to me. There are so many things I genuinely love about French culture, so I kept trying to understand it and wondering whether I simply needed to adapt better.

But over time it became harder and harder to tell where cultural differences ended and where unhealthy relationship dynamics began.

Sometimes it was little comments around the house. The criticism slowly became more frequent, and I found myself second-guessing everything I said and did, trying harder and harder not to upset him.

One example was when we went to a bar one evening. We’d been having a really lovely time, and then for some reason he started talking to the male bartender. For about 15 or 20 minutes he was completely turned away from me. He didn’t even turn around once to acknowledge I was there.

It felt really strange. I didn’t want to tap him on the shoulder because I was worried he’d say something like, “What? There’s no problem,” and I’d just embarrass myself. So I quietly walked away.

When he eventually came looking for me, I was really upset. I asked why he’d done that, and I think he felt criticised by the question. He immediately stormed out of the bar and walked towards the tram stop saying, “It’s over. It’s over. We tried, but we’re obviously not compatible.”

He wasn’t screaming, but he was saying it loudly and intensely enough that a woman nearby got onto the tram with us and kept watching what was happening. I could tell she seemed concerned.

I felt completely humiliated and scared, and my abandonment trauma switched on instantly.

I was diagnosed years ago with complex PTSD from my childhood. From what he shared with me, I suspect he’s carrying significant childhood trauma too, although obviously I can’t diagnose him. If I had to describe our attachment styles, I’d say mine is disorganised and his seems quite avoidant.

My question is specifically about the sexual side of all this.

Even when things became really painful, even when I was crying, feeling criticised, feeling abandoned and constantly activated, I still had this incredibly deep pull towards him sexually.

Not just wanting sex, but this overwhelming desire to be close to him physically, to pleasure him, to reconnect through sex. It almost felt like some part of me believed that if we were physically close again, everything would somehow be okay.

I’ve never experienced anything that intense before.

Logically I could see things weren’t healthy anymore, but emotionally and physically I still felt magnetised towards him. After 6 weeks, he went on to say maybe we shouldn’t have sex quite as much so we can focus a little more on the emotional connection (which I thought was strange as this was after the point his resentment, criticism, etc started coming out.)

Why?

What is happening psychologically?

Is it attachment? Trauma? My nervous system trying to reconnect? Intermittent reinforcement? Something else?

I feel like if I can understand what’s happening psychologically, it’ll help me finally let go instead of feeling so confused about why the sexual attraction stayed so incredibly strong even while the relationship itself became so painful.

For context, about two weeks ago I told him I thought we needed to take a break. I recently wrote him a letter saying that if we were ever going to consider trying again, he’d need to go back to therapy (he used to do EMDR but stopped because he couldn’t afford it), and we’d also need a much more balanced relationship. I couldn’t keep being the one constantly figuring out how we could see each other while he mainly stayed where he was.

I’m not really looking for relationship advice. I’m genuinely trying to understand the psychology behind why the sexual pull stayed so unbelievably strong, even when I no longer felt emotionally safe.

Hi everyone,
I recently saw a psychiatrist through Doctolib who prescribed me Ritalin 20 mg. I was given two bottles, but I only took three tablets in total.
It definitely made my head feel much clearer, but it also made me feel agitated and tense, which is exactly how Ritalin affected me when I tried it around ten years ago. I have therefore decided not to continue taking it so have two almost full bottles.
I would really like to try Strattera, or the generic version, atomoxetine. I contacted the CReDAH in France, and they explained that they may be able to arrange an appointment for me at the hospital, but I first need a psychiatrist to complete one of their referral forms.
Does anyone know whether a psychiatrist booked through Doctolib would normally be willing to complete this form? I did not have the form before my original appointment, and Doctolib does not seem to allow me to send documents to the psychiatrist directly.

Thank you!

Hi everyone,
I recently saw a psychiatrist through Doctolib who prescribed me Ritalin 20 mg. I was given two bottles, but I only took three tablets in total.

It definitely made my head feel much clearer, but it also made me feel a bit edgy, which is exactly how Ritalin affected me when I tried it around ten years ago. I have therefore decided not to continue taking it and I have two almost full bottles I’m not going to use.

I would really like to try Strattera, or the generic version, atomoxetine. I contacted the CReDAH, and they explained that they may be able to arrange an appointment for me at the hospital, but I first need a psychiatrist to complete one of their referral forms.
Does anyone know whether a psychiatrist booked through Doctolib would normally be willing to complete this form? I did not have the form before my original appointment, and Doctolib does not seem to allow me to send documents to the psychiatrist directly.

Also, does anyone know roughly how long it currently takes to get an appointment with the CReDAH? I have been travelling in and out of France recently, so I am trying to plan when I need to be back.
Thank you so much,
Chelsea

Hi everyone, I’d love to know if anyone else has this placement in here? I feel like I have enough compounded trauma to make up for five lifetimes. my mother had BPD/NPD, father left when she was pregnant with me, she ran through all the money and we were in poverty and couldn’t eat at times, manipulation fraud, lots of abuse. I’m 37 now and I’ve spent so much of my time since leaving America at 24 trying to heal, doing psychedelic therapy, traditional therapy, IFS, spiritual modalities, Yoga Teacher training, Reiki… i’ve helped so many people but still can’t figure how to help myself ultimately or even figure out how to have agency. It doesn’t help that I’m a Pisces sun, Gemini moon, Pisces Venus Gemini rising. I would really love to know how others in my position have found peace and happiness.
Thank you.

I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives because I’m absolutely emotionally exhausted.

I’ve recently taken a pause/break on a relationship with a 46-year-old French man (single dad, with significant childhood trauma that he briefly went to therapy for before stopping). His main astrological placements are:

☀️ Cancer Sun
🌙 Pisces Moon
⬆️ Sagittarius Rising
♀️ Venus in Gemini
🔥 Mars in Virgo

For reference, I’m 37 and my placements are:

☀️ Pisces Sun
🌙 Gemini Moon
⬆️ Gemini Rising
♀️ Venus in Pisces
🔥 Mars in Gemini

I’m not trying to diagnose or excuse anyone’s behaviour. I’m simply curious about what, if anything, might relate to astrology, what might be cultural, and what is simply individual personality.

Some of the positives:

* He was incredibly generous with acts of service, particularly around practical and domestic things. I grew up without much of that kind of care, so it meant a lot to me. He’d happily cook, drive, help around the house, carry heavy things, and generally look for ways to make my life easier.

* He introduced me to his children, family and close friends relatively early, which made me feel like he genuinely saw a future with me and wanted me to be part of his world.

* He could be deeply affectionate, playful and genuinely funny. We laughed a lot together, especially during the first few weeks, and there was a lightness between us that I really cherished…which faded after his financial worries came into play

* He paid attention to small emotional details. For example, if a song came on that reminded me of difficult parts of my childhood, he’d remember and immediately offer to change it without me having to ask.

BUT…

* If something upset him, he would often withdraw rather than tell me directly what was wrong.

* When I brought up concerns calmly, he would often become defensive or outright angry instead of engaging with the issue. At one point I flew to another city for a work conference. I went to bed early, woke up to find his messages had been deleted, and then received the cold shoulder for the next 24 hours. A few days later I was due to fly back to meet his family. He later admitted he’d convinced himself I had probably cheated on him because his ex-wife had cheated on him while attending a conference.

* During disagreements, he twice told me that we were “not compatible” or that the relationship was over. Then the following day he behaved as though nothing had happened and never wanted to revisit or repair the conversation.

* There were times I’d spend hours carefully thinking about how and when to raise something because timing seemed incredibly important to him. But whichever time I chose, it often seemed to be the “wrong” time, and when I asked him to help me understand what would be a better way to approach things in the future, I never really got an answer.

* I often felt like difficult conversations were never fully resolved. We’d move on without really understanding each other or repairing what had happened.

* I experienced what felt like double standards. For example, he expected a high level of understanding and empathy from me for his reactions, but when I expressed hurt or anxiety, I often felt criticised for it rather than understood.

* Over time, the relationship shifted from feeling light, playful and easy to feeling increasingly heavy, tense and emotionally unpredictable. I found myself walking on eggshells and overthinking how to phrase things to avoid triggering another conflict.

* I increasingly felt that I was carrying the emotional labour of trying to understand what had happened, improve our communication, suggest ways we could grow together, and repair the relationship after conflict.

For those of you who know astrology:

* Do any of these patterns remind you of the shadow expression of Cancer Sun, Pisces Moon, Sagittarius Rising or Venus in Gemini?

* Which parts, if any, do you think have nothing to do with astrology?

For those familiar with French culture:

* Are there communication styles or relationship expectations here that might simply be cultural rather than personality?

And for everyone else:

* Looking only at the behaviours I’ve described, what stands out to you? Do these patterns remind you of insecure attachment, unresolved trauma, incompatibility, or something else entirely?

I’m genuinely interested in hearing a range of perspectives rather than having anyone judged or diagnosed. I’ve also posted our States chart as reference. Thank you.

I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives because I’m absolutely emotionally exhausted.

I’ve recently taken a pause/break on a relationship with a 46-year-old French man (single dad, with significant childhood trauma that he briefly went to therapy for before stopping). His main astrological placements are:

☀️ Cancer Sun
🌙 Pisces Moon
⬆️ Sagittarius Rising
♀️ Venus in Gemini
🔥 Mars in Virgo

For reference, I’m 37 and my placements are:

☀️ Pisces Sun
🌙 Gemini Moon
⬆️ Gemini Rising
♀️ Venus in Pisces
🔥 Mars in Gemini

I’m not trying to diagnose or excuse anyone’s behaviour. I’m simply curious about what, if anything, might relate to astrology, what might be cultural, and what is simply individual personality.

Some of the positives:

* He was incredibly generous with acts of service, particularly around practical and domestic things. I grew up without much of that kind of care, so it meant a lot to me. He’d happily cook, drive, help around the house, carry heavy things, and generally look for ways to make my life easier.

* He introduced me to his children, family and close friends relatively early, which made me feel like he genuinely saw a future with me and wanted me to be part of his world.

* He could be deeply affectionate, playful and genuinely funny. We laughed a lot together, especially during the first few weeks, and there was a lightness between us that I really cherished…which faded after his financial worries came into play

* He paid attention to small emotional details. For example, if a song came on that reminded me of difficult parts of my childhood, he’d remember and immediately offer to change it without me having to ask.

BUT…

* If something upset him, he would often withdraw rather than tell me directly what was wrong.

* When I brought up concerns calmly, he would often become defensive or outright angry instead of engaging with the issue. At one point I flew to another city for a work conference. I went to bed early, woke up to find his messages had been deleted, and then received the cold shoulder for the next 24 hours. A few days later I was due to fly back to meet his family. He later admitted he’d convinced himself I had probably cheated on him because his ex-wife had cheated on him while attending a conference.

* During disagreements, he twice told me that we were “not compatible” or that the relationship was over. Then the following day he behaved as though nothing had happened and never wanted to revisit or repair the conversation.

* There were times I’d spend hours carefully thinking about how and when to raise something because timing seemed incredibly important to him. But whichever time I chose, it often seemed to be the “wrong” time, and when I asked him to help me understand what would be a better way to approach things in the future, I never really got an answer.

* I often felt like difficult conversations were never fully resolved. We’d move on without really understanding each other or repairing what had happened.

* I experienced what felt like double standards. For example, he expected a high level of understanding and empathy from me for his reactions, but when I expressed hurt or anxiety, I often felt criticised for it rather than understood.

* Over time, the relationship shifted from feeling light, playful and easy to feeling increasingly heavy, tense and emotionally unpredictable. I found myself walking on eggshells and overthinking how to phrase things to avoid triggering another conflict.

* I increasingly felt that I was carrying the emotional labour of trying to understand what had happened, improve our communication, suggest ways we could grow together, and repair the relationship after conflict.

For those of you who know astrology:

* Do any of these patterns remind you of the shadow expression of Cancer Sun, Pisces Moon, Sagittarius Rising or Venus in Gemini?

* Which parts, if any, do you think have nothing to do with astrology?

For those familiar with French culture:

* Are there communication styles or relationship expectations here that might simply be cultural rather than personality?

And for everyone else:

* Looking only at the behaviours I’ve described, what stands out to you? Do these patterns remind you of insecure attachment, unresolved trauma, incompatibility, or something else entirely?

I’m genuinely interested in hearing a range of perspectives rather than having anyone judged or diagnosed. I’ve also posted our States chart as reference. Thank you.

I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives because I’m absolutely emotionally exhausted.

I’ve recently taken a pause/break on a relationship with a 46-year-old French man (single dad, with significant childhood trauma that he briefly went to therapy for before stopping). His main astrological placements are:

☀️ Cancer Sun
🌙 Pisces Moon
⬆️ Sagittarius Rising
♀️ Venus in Gemini
🔥 Mars in Virgo

For reference, I’m 37 and my placements are:

☀️ Pisces Sun
🌙 Gemini Moon
⬆️ Gemini Rising
♀️ Venus in Pisces
🔥 Mars in Gemini

I’m not trying to diagnose or excuse anyone’s behaviour. I’m simply curious about what, if anything, might relate to astrology, what might be cultural, and what is simply individual personality.

Some of the positives:

* He was incredibly generous with acts of service, particularly around practical and domestic things. I grew up without much of that kind of care, so it meant a lot to me. He’d happily cook, drive, help around the house, carry heavy things, and generally look for ways to make my life easier.

* He introduced me to his children, family and close friends relatively early, which made me feel like he genuinely saw a future with me and wanted me to be part of his world.

* He could be deeply affectionate, playful and genuinely funny. We laughed a lot together, especially during the first few weeks, and there was a lightness between us that I really cherished…which faded after his financial worries came into play

* He paid attention to small emotional details. For example, if a song came on that reminded me of difficult parts of my childhood, he’d remember and immediately offer to change it without me having to ask.

BUT…

* If something upset him, he would often withdraw rather than tell me directly what was wrong.

* When I brought up concerns calmly, he would often become defensive or outright angry instead of engaging with the issue. At one point I flew to another city for a work conference. I went to bed early, woke up to find his messages had been deleted, and then received the cold shoulder for the next 24 hours. A few days later I was due to fly back to meet his family. He later admitted he’d convinced himself I had probably cheated on him because his ex-wife had cheated on him while attending a conference.

* During disagreements, he twice told me that we were “not compatible” or that the relationship was over. Then the following day he behaved as though nothing had happened and never wanted to revisit or repair the conversation.

* There were times I’d spend hours carefully thinking about how and when to raise something because timing seemed incredibly important to him. But whichever time I chose, it often seemed to be the “wrong” time, and when I asked him to help me understand what would be a better way to approach things in the future, I never really got an answer.

* I often felt like difficult conversations were never fully resolved. We’d move on without really understanding each other or repairing what had happened.

* I experienced what felt like double standards. For example, he expected a high level of understanding and empathy from me for his reactions, but when I expressed hurt or anxiety, I often felt criticised for it rather than understood.

* Over time, the relationship shifted from feeling light, playful and easy to feeling increasingly heavy, tense and emotionally unpredictable. I found myself walking on eggshells and overthinking how to phrase things to avoid triggering another conflict.

* I increasingly felt that I was carrying the emotional labour of trying to understand what had happened, improve our communication, suggest ways we could grow together, and repair the relationship after conflict.

For those of you who know astrology:

* Do any of these patterns remind you of the shadow expression of Cancer Sun, Pisces Moon, Sagittarius Rising or Venus in Gemini?

* Which parts, if any, do you think have nothing to do with astrology?

For those familiar with French culture:

* Are there communication styles or relationship expectations here that might simply be cultural rather than personality?

And for everyone else:

* Looking only at the behaviours I’ve described, what stands out to you? Do these patterns remind you of insecure attachment, unresolved trauma, incompatibility, or something else entirely?

I’m genuinely interested in hearing a range of perspectives rather than having anyone judged or diagnosed. I’ve also posted our States chart as reference. Thank you.

I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives.
I’ve recently taken a pause on a relationship with a French man whose main astrological placements are:

☀️ Cancer Sun
🌙 Pisces Moon
⬆️ Sagittarius Rising
♀️ Venus in Gemini

For reference, I am:

☀️ Pisces Sun
🌙 Gemini Moon
⬆️ Gemini Rising
♀️Venus in Pisces

I’m not trying to diagnose or excuse anyone’s behaviour. I’m simply curious about what, if anything, might relate to astrology, what might be cultural, and what is simply individual personality.

Some examples of what I experienced:

The positives
He was incredibly generous with practical help and acts of service.

He introduced me to his children, family and close friends relatively early.

He often drove me places, helped with practical tasks.

He could be deeply affectionate, funny and playful.

I genuinely felt loved during the good periods.

The difficult parts

If something upset him, he often withdrew rather than telling me directly what was wrong.

When I brought up concerns calmly, he would often became defensive or outright angry instead of engaging with the issue. Sometimes his reactions were frankly a bit BPD such as when I flew out for a conference, he texted me at 9 pm, I went to sleep early and woke up to his texts deleted, gave me the cold shoulder for 24 hours afterwards when I was due to fly back in to meet his family a few days later. He later confessed it was because he thought I was out cheating on him because his ex wife cheated on him at a conference.

There were occasions where he said we were “not compatible” or that the relationship was over during arguments, but then later behaved as though everything was normal and didn’t bring it up again. This happened twice.

Problems often felt left unresolved rather than repaired through conversation.

As time went on, I felt the relationship became heavier and more tense, and I found myself walking on eggshells.

I sometimes experienced what felt like double standards - for example, behaviour that was acceptable when he did it but criticised when I did something similar.

I often felt I was carrying the emotional work of trying to understand what had happened, repair the relationship, and improve communication.

For those of you who know astrology:

Do any of these patterns remind you of the shadow expression of Cancer, Pisces Moon, Sagittarius Rising or Venus in Gemini?

Which parts, if any, do you think have nothing to do with astrology?

For those who know French culture:

Are there communication styles or relationship expectations here that might simply be cultural?

Thank you!

Hi everyone,

Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who commented on my previous post comparing the people in Brittany and Bordeaux. I really appreciated all of your insights.

I recently started a relationship with a French man, and I have to admit, it’s been the most tumultuous relationship I’ve ever experienced. Some french friends have dismissed parts of what I’ve explained as cultural (a shouty temper when it comes to being on the road, bouts of pessimism, can be quite critical, not wanting to discuss too much when it comes to resolving emotional conflict…)

I’m in my mid-thirties and have lived in a handful of countries. One thing I’ve always been proud of is my ability to adapt. I genuinely enjoy learning about different cultures and tend to be a bit of a chameleon wherever I live, so I’m trying very hard not to judge this relationship through an Australian/Anglo lens. Instead, I’m trying to work out what’s cultural, what’s due to the language barrier, what’s due to stress, and what’s simply individual personality.

We met while I was travelling in France, and the connection was incredible. My work is location-independent, so I ended up staying because the relationship felt genuinely special. The first month felt almost effortless. We had amazing conversations, shared similar values around family and more traditional relationships, and I felt incredibly connected to him.

One reason I’m trying so hard to understand all of this is because there are so many things about him that I genuinely admire. He’s incredibly affectionate, deeply involved with his children, thoughtful in many ways, and has often gone out of his way for me. He’s driven ten hours just to come and see me, we’ve shared some incredibly deep conversations, and when things are good, they’re honestly wonderful. That’s why I’m trying to understand what’s cultural, what’s stress, and what’s simply incompatibility before jumping to conclusions.

As time has gone on, though, things have become much more complicated.

One obvious challenge is the language barrier. I’m only beginning to learn French, and as he worked in a large French company for many years purely based here, he never really learned English beyond numbers. Almost everything important between us has to be communicated through translating via ChatGPT, timekettle earbuds which I invested in and my beginner French. I know it sounds crazy, but up until recently it’s worked very well and almost allowed us to be more thoughtful with what we said to each other.

He’s also under an enormous amount of pressure. He’s a single father, was recently made redundant after a long corporate career, is trying to build his own business, I believe is also recovering from a tricky divorce three years ago. I know that’s a huge amount for anyone to carry, so I genuinely try to keep that in mind.

The reason I’m posting is because there are a few situations where I’m honestly struggling to tell whether I’m experiencing cultural differences or something more individual.

For example, the other day we went to a bar together. We were having a lovely evening when he started talking to the male bartender. I’m a very social person myself, so I completely understand engaging with people. What surprised me was that he then spent 20 minutes looking away from me to talk emphatically with the bartender without acknowledging me.

Because my French isn’t yet good enough to comfortably join a fast conversation, and he was looking away from me towards the barman, I felt awkward interrupting. I wandered into another room to look around, thinking maybe he just wanted some guy time, but he stayed talking for another ten minutes or so.

Later, he came down with my purse and said alright ready to go. I explained that I’d felt left out, but he genuinely didn’t seem to understand why I was upset. From his perspective, he was simply having an interesting conversation. From mine, it felt as though I’d disappeared.

That disagreement escalated into a huge argument. He stormed off towards the tram stop leaving me far behind, and when I finally caught up he said things like, “It’s over” and “I’ve had enough,” and I honestly thought the relationship had ended. Then when we went back to his house, he behaved almost as though nothing had happened.

One thing that crossed my mind afterwards is whether he simply becomes extremely absorbed in conversations due to being undiagnosed ADHD - some people can become so hyperfocused on the person they’re talking to that they genuinely lose awareness of everything else around them. I have absolutely no idea whether that applies to him, and I’m not trying to diagnose him.

Another recurring difference is how we approach conflict.

My instinct is to sit down afterwards, understand each other’s perspectives, repair things properly, and make sure we’re both okay. This might be an American thing.

His instinct seems to be to move on immediately. If I bring the issue up again, he often feels that I’m criticising him or unnecessarily reopening something that should already be finished.

Sometimes it feels as though simply expressing that something hurt my feelings is heard as criticism, even when my intention is genuinely to understand each other better rather than blame him. That difference alone seems to create a surprising number of misunderstandings.

I’ve had one French friend tell me that this can sometimes be a cultural difference—that some French people prefer not to analyse emotions for long periods and would rather simply move forward. But I don’t know whether that’s actually true, or whether it’s just his personality.

I’ve also noticed what feels to me like more sarcasm, pessimism, internalised tension and a quicker temper than I’m used to. Again, I’m trying very hard not to stereotype. I’m simply trying to understand whether I’m seeing cultural communication differences, the effects of stress, or individual personality traits.

So I’d really love to hear from people—especially expats who are married to or in long-term relationships with French men.

* Have you experienced similar differences?
* Is it common to move on quickly after an argument rather than talking it through?
* Would most French partners think nothing of spending 20 minutes chatting with someone else while out together, even if the partner didn’t speak the language?
* Is raising relationship concerns considered rehashing?
* Which parts of this sound cultural to you, and which simply sound like individual personality?

I’m not looking for validation that either of us is right or wrong. I care about this man very deeply, and I’m genuinely trying to become a better partner in a cross-cultural relationship. My goal is to understand how much of what we’re experiencing is likely to be the normal friction of a French–Anglo relationship, and how much might simply come down to our individual personalities or compatibility. I don’t want to mistake a cultural difference for incompatibility—or vice versa.

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve successfully navigated relationships like this. Thank you!

Hi everyone,

Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who commented on my previous post comparing the people in Brittany and Bordeaux. I really appreciated all of your insights.

I recently started a relationship with a French man, and I have to admit, it’s been the most tumultuous relationship I’ve ever experienced. Some french friends have dismissed parts of what I’ve explained as cultural (a shouty temper when it comes to being on the road, bouts of pessimism, can be quite critical, not wanting to discuss too much when it comes to resolving emotional conflict…)

I’m in my mid-thirties and have lived in a handful of countries. One thing I’ve always been proud of is my ability to adapt. I genuinely enjoy learning about different cultures and tend to be a bit of a chameleon wherever I live, so I’m trying very hard not to judge this relationship through an Australian/Anglo lens. Instead, I’m trying to work out what’s cultural, what’s due to the language barrier, what’s due to stress, and what’s simply individual personality.

We met while I was travelling in France, and the connection was incredible. My work is location-independent, so I ended up staying because the relationship felt genuinely special. The first month felt almost effortless. We had amazing conversations, shared similar values around family and more traditional relationships, and I felt incredibly connected to him.

One reason I’m trying so hard to understand all of this is because there are so many things about him that I genuinely admire. He’s incredibly affectionate, deeply involved with his children, thoughtful in many ways, and has often gone out of his way for me. He’s driven ten hours just to come and see me, we’ve shared some incredibly deep conversations, and when things are good, they’re honestly wonderful. That’s why I’m trying to understand what’s cultural, what’s stress, and what’s simply incompatibility before jumping to conclusions.

As time has gone on, though, things have become much more complicated.

One obvious challenge is the language barrier. I’m only beginning to learn French, and as he worked in a large French company for many years purely based here, he never really learned English beyond numbers. Almost everything important between us has to be communicated through translation apps and my beginner French. I know it sounds crazy, but up until recently it’s worked very well and almost allowed us to be more thoughtful with what we said to each other.

He’s also under an enormous amount of pressure. He’s a single father, was recently made redundant after a long corporate career, is trying to build his own business, I believe is also recovering from a tricky divorce three years ago. I know that’s a huge amount for anyone to carry, so I genuinely try to keep that in mind.

The reason I’m posting is because there are a few situations where I’m honestly struggling to tell whether I’m experiencing cultural differences or something more individual.

For example, the other day we went to a bar together. We were having a lovely evening when he started talking to the male bartender. I’m a very social person myself, so I completely understand engaging with people. What surprised me was that he then spent 20 minutes looking away from me to talk emphatically with the bartender without acknowledging me.

Because my French isn’t yet good enough to comfortably join a fast conversation, and he was looking away from me towards the barman, I felt awkward interrupting. I wandered into another room to look around, thinking maybe he just wanted some guy time, but he stayed talking for another ten minutes or so.

Later, he came down with my purse and said alright ready to go. I explained that I’d felt left out, but he genuinely didn’t seem to understand why I was upset. From his perspective, he was simply having an interesting conversation. From mine, it felt as though I’d disappeared.

That disagreement escalated into a huge argument. He stormed off towards the tram stop leaving me far behind, and when I finally caught up he said things like, “It’s over” and “I’ve had enough,” and I honestly thought the relationship had ended. Then when we went back to his house, he behaved almost as though nothing had happened.

One thing that crossed my mind afterwards is whether he simply becomes extremely absorbed in conversations due to being undiagnosed ADHD - some people can become so hyperfocused on the person they’re talking to that they genuinely lose awareness of everything else around them. I have absolutely no idea whether that applies to him, and I’m not trying to diagnose him.

Another recurring difference is how we approach conflict.

My instinct is to sit down afterwards, understand each other’s perspectives, repair things properly, and make sure we’re both okay. This might be an American thing.

His instinct seems to be to move on immediately. If I bring the issue up again, he often feels that I’m criticising him or unnecessarily reopening something that should already be finished.

Sometimes it feels as though simply expressing that something hurt my feelings is heard as criticism, even when my intention is genuinely to understand each other better rather than blame him. That difference alone seems to create a surprising number of misunderstandings.

I’ve had one French friend tell me that this can sometimes be a cultural difference—that some French people prefer not to analyse emotions for long periods and would rather simply move forward. But I don’t know whether that’s actually true, or whether it’s just his personality.

I’ve also noticed what feels to me like more sarcasm, pessimism, internalised tension and a quicker temper than I’m used to. Again, I’m trying very hard not to stereotype. I’m simply trying to understand whether I’m seeing cultural communication differences, the effects of stress, or individual personality traits.

So I’d really love to hear from people—especially expats who are married to or in long-term relationships with French men.

* Have you experienced similar differences?
* Is it common to move on quickly after an argument rather than talking it through?
* Would most French partners think nothing of spending 20 minutes chatting with someone else while out together, even if the partner didn’t speak the language?
* Is raising relationship concerns considered rehashing?
* Which parts of this sound cultural to you, and which simply sound like individual personality?

I’m not looking for validation that either of us is right or wrong. I care about this man very deeply, and I’m genuinely trying to become a better partner in a cross-cultural relationship. My goal is to understand how much of what we’re experiencing is likely to be the normal friction of a French–Anglo relationship, and how much might simply come down to our individual personalities or compatibility. I don’t want to mistake a cultural difference for incompatibility—or vice versa.

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve successfully navigated relationships like this. Thank you!

** As a preface, would really love to also know why you feel people are friendlier in one place over the other? Sociologically, historically etc. Especially as it seems lots of people say “in the south of France” people are friendlier due to the beaches and weather…so those who like me found people in the north friendlier, is it because of a historical influence? I’m so curious!

Hi everyone,

I’ve been staying in Bordeaux. I have a new relationship which I’ve been pursuing, but I initially came to Normandy and Bordeaux on a trip to see where I would like to live. I’m currently based in Milan, which I’ve been enjoying, but I definitely prefer the more non-urban parts of France.

I’ve been spending lots of time in Bordeaux with this new partner (normally Milan-based) but I’m a little surprised because, despite it being really beautiful, warm, and lovely here in the summertime, I’m finding that, in general—and I know this is just a generalisation—people seem a bit different from what I expected.

I’m the kind of person who talks to everyone, engages with everyone, and is very friendly, open, and warm. My line of work is very much about engaging with and helping other people. People generally describe me as quite vibrant or sparkly. I absolutely don’t expect everyone else to be like that, but, for example, I loved living in West London where, even though British people can be a bit reserved, I always felt like I could make people laugh, have a chat, and they’d usually warm up very quickly.

However, I’m finding in Bordeaux that while some people are incredibly warm, the majority so far feel a little… tense, I suppose. There’s almost a kind of underlying tension or pessimistic energy that I’ve noticed. That really surprised me because I would have expected that more in Paris than in a beautiful, smaller city like Bordeaux.

Again, I’ve only been here for about two months, so I’m completely open to being corrected if people who know the city better feel that’s not an accurate impression. I’d genuinely love to hear other perspectives.

Before coming here, I spent a week in Normandy, staying in Honfleur, Cabourg, Trouville, and Deauville, and I was genuinely blown away by how friendly people seemed there.

I’m also going to be visiting Brittany in about 10 days, so I’d love to hear people’s thoughts on Normandy versus Brittany versus Bordeaux when it comes to the friendliness and openness of the locals.

Thank you so much!